We never mean to hurt you. Seriously. We don’t.
We just have no clue what we’re doing. Well, we know what we’re doing, but we have no clue what we’re doing.
Let me back this train up a bit before it gets rolling. Back in March, I was a panelist in the MadameNoire series, Ask A Black Man. In said series, I made a statement that was easy enough to digest at the time but over the course of time I’ve really thought about why it’s true. What I said was this:
“I’m not a bad buy, but I’ve definitely made some bad guy moves.”
I dont remember what this was in response to but I think that’s the case for a significant portion of us menfolks out here. The truth is, most of us aren’t really bad guys intending to lie, cheat, and be the most inconsiderate people ever. To the contrary rather. I’d wager that most guys want to be stand up people and be viewed favorably by everybody they come across. There is definitely a segment of the male populace that couldn’t give any less f*cks if you stole their soul and sold it to Robert Johnson for a bag of skittles. Those individuals do exist.
But again, that’s not the majority. Most of us want to meet nice women, sleep with most of them, but fall in love with one who we can’t wait to settle down with and hear a little person call “mommy”. Some of it is programming, but a lot of it is our natural desire to procreate and have live in protection-free lovin’.
But the line between single and married is a journey full of pratfalls, bad decisions, and regrets. Especially for men. See, most of us well-intentioned individuals, again, have no clue what we’re doing.
Sure we know how to spit a little game and get second and third dates and bed a lot of women. It’s really not that hard if you have even a little bit of personality and talk to you.
Quick side story: A few years ago, an ex-girlfriend of mine who by this point was a good friend of mine (it can happen), was listening to me talk about my various dating situations and a few involving women who just did not f*ck with me anymore. She listened without saying much, save for a few “mmhmms” and “why did you do that? okay” here and there. After about 10 minutes of the convo she said, “P, you know what your problem is, you have no clue what you’re doing. It’s like you want everybody to like you and you don’t want to hurt anybody so you end up pissing more people off in the process. Is the truth that hard? It can’t be. You’re telling it to me. But at some point you have to realize that sometimes you have to let people hate you. But even before you get there, you’ve got to make better decisions upfront and realize that for every one of these small bad decisions you make there’s another person at the end of it wondering what the hell happened and why? But no, you just fly by the seat of your pants and hope it all works out only to ultimately create enemies out of women who would make valuable friends to you if you’d just been straight up in the first place.”
Well, damn. And ouch. Not that I’m sure they’d all be “real” friends in that I do think that once I entered into a relationship, many would just fall off. But her point wasn’t lost on me.
Back to the lecture at hand. When dating or single according to our FB profiles, many guys will entertain the whims of a lot of women. Not just the ones he’s interested in, but also the ones paying him attention. What’s a little convo going to hurt? Nothing. Except we all forget that time means a lot to women. You give a woman you don’t know an hour of time on the phone she will likely view it as time you could have spent doing something else but you chose to spend it with her. Texting good morning everyday? Yeah, dumb move if you’re not feeling her because many women assume that makes them special. It’s nothing to send that text but they don’t know that you’re not going out of your way to think of them. Again, nothing bad buy about it, its just that we don’t view time and/or attention the same way.
So say we’re doing this with muliple women. They don’t know. Why should they? The right hand doesn’t need to know what the left hand is doing. Both men and women subscribe to this ideology. But instead of ever having a conversation about what’s really going on, we just decide to forego it and see where things go. With everybody. And naturally, one tends to stand out above the rest. She’s usually as poison as she can be…you know the rest.
Now none of this is a problem. Until it becomes one. At some point the women are all going to ask you what’s up and you can give them all the same line but this is when bad decisions come into play. See, not wanting to hurt any of them we find little ways to reassure them that we care and that they’re around for a reason. What’s the reason? Who knows. But we never say that. Why would we? The truth might hurt.
That would suck.
We pretend we care about these other women, except we don’t. Or at least not until its too late. All we care about is not hurting them. That’s not caring, that’s selfish. Instead of being straight up with them we hope 2 things happen: 1) that they’ll just go away on their own if we stop talking to or seeing them as much; and 2) that they never end up having to be hurt by being confronted with the half-truths and lies we’ve told. Some if it isn’t even lies. Some of it is delusion on the part of the women. I will always believe this. But that doesn’t absolve me from providing the clarity needed to temper some of that delusion (all of it isn’t going away…let’s be real).
So instead of handling the situations up front and being clear and fair to all the women we may or may not have been dealing with, we just deal with the aftermath. Women aren’t stupid. They realize eventually and they get pissed and upset because two things women hate more than anything are being ignored and not having full information. The third which ties with them both is believing there’s another woman in the picture which fuels the first two.
Now again, even after all of that, none of this intentional. It’s all done out of hopefully not hurting any particular woman. Except, we do more damage this way than we would by being straight up. And we KNOW this.
We KNOW.
That’s the worst part about it. We know better. Most of us know what we’re doing even if we don’t know what we’re doing. It’s not on purpose but the end result is the same. By attempting to be benevolent through selfishness, contempt and animosity unfold. Sure we’ve got a woman who is probably unaware of all of the drama around her because of him (or in rare cases ends up being apart of it…maybe that’s not so rare) and we’ve decided to be true and real with this one, but how many women did we break on that journey?
We’ve all got pasts and men and women have done things that we’re not proud of to people who didn’t deserve it. But most of it could be prevented on the front end. Some of this is just part of the game. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Hearts get broken all of the time. Again, it’s part of the game. And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But how the hearts get broken is the problem.
You keep trying to play it cool and eventually you turn cold. Hopefully we meet a woman who makes us care enough to straighten up before that. But that doesn’t change the past.
Even if it isn’t on purpose.
You might think that this is a young man problem but there are men of all ages doing this. And women of all ages getting caught up.
If you ever get to a place in life where a sincere apology doesn’t help, you need to re-evalute your life and what made that apology moot. And that assumes you intend to do so. To be fair, there are times when an apology will do more harm than good.
Again, the worst part is that most men going through these things are the good guys. The ones who do care about women and want to get married. But good guys give a damn. And giving a damn means you try not to hurt people. And trying not to hurt people means you don’t be straight up. And not being straight up means you hurt people. And hurting people means you made some bad guy moves.
This is no excuse nor is it a plea to justify the non-sense that many women have dealt with due to many of our issues.
This is my interpretation of the situation.
Damn damn damn James.
Church.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. REALNINJATALKIN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
Hearts will not be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
This is exactly why I never assume I’m the only one, or that we are more than just cool until dude decided to make that clear. Babe got his feelings hurt when I asked if we were together, but I have learned to assume nothing.
That being said, some girls are dumb. And female feelings cause us to want to believe we’re the only one all the time because most likely the man in our life is the only one. Damn oxytocin.
I first heard that quote while watching The Wizard of Oz, very true about our hearts. Easily breakable.
i assume the worst.
As you should. At all times. Until you have proof that it’s better.
Keyword is PROOF.
which is why my standards are so high. you make yourself known to me.
Exactly.
Whoa, always assume the worst? Definitely can’t agree with this.
How about you just assume nothing at all? Assuming a person is the devil incarnate can be just as bad as assuming they’re god’s gift to earth.
People are going to show you their own character, good or bad. It’s our responsibility to be strong enough to handle it, good or bad. If you’re a mature strong person, you won’t need to psych yourself up to prepare for the worst, cause you’ll be strong enough to roll with the punches. Further, you’ll be wise enough to know from the get go, this may not work and this may also be the absolute best there is.
If you’re entering in a relationship “assuming the worst”, you’ll never be prepared to handle the best. Hell, I’d go as far as to say you won’t even be able to recognize the best. I’m not saying where your heart on your sleeve, but you don’t need to build a 10 ft steel wall either.
+1 on assume nothing. Took a while to get there tho.
@Toria
Good quote
Damn, damn, damn James…This is too funny, because when men act this way (deceive, lie, cheat, etc.), and women, in turn, react because they are hurt, this is usually when men pretend to have NO CLUE as to why she (or in this scenario, they) are behaving this way…and say that women are crazy
“When dating or single according to our FB profiles, many guys will entertain the whims of a lot of women.”
This is the moment men begin to hurt the women they are talking to/dating. Instead of giving a whole shot to any girl, y’all give a piece of a shot to a lot of girls.
^^^And BOOM.
went the dynamite…
should males date around?
Sure.
But let the girls you’re dating around with, know you’re dating around. Let them decide if the guy is worth sharing temporarily (for the “lucky” one who gets him) or not.
I agree, to an extent…
I don’t think it’s imperative to let someone know right away that you’re dating around (unless she asks). The first few dates should be just that…dates. I know some folks do not feel comfortable seeing more than one person at a time, but I think that both men and women should be able to date around and see what’s out there.
Boundaries have to be made though; like the difference between dating and dating exclusively.
Do men not like to make boundaries with women?
Do men not like to make boundaries with women?
Depends on how we see (or what we want from) the woman…
How many dates should occur before the decision is made to date vs. date exclusively?? Honestly, I think that’s part of the problem, because it’s different for different people. Some people want to date exclusively after a couple of dates…
Maybe some kind of date threshold should be established….as in you have to go out on at least 5 dates before you can have any expectations for exclusivity.
That’s because they want you to give 100% while their shelling out 20% since their spread so thin…selfish jerks.
#preach
men want it all while giving the bare minimum…or nothing
I don’t think that’s true.
You call us too selfish, but maybe i call y’all too selfless.
First off, i believe that men and women have two completely different scales. What might be 100 to might only be 20 to me, especially depending on where we are in life.
Second, several of the women i’ve known (on whatever level) came in the game ALL IN. Ummm…excuse me miss, but we just met in the student union TWO WEEKS AGO. And let’s be honest. If you choose to give the dude any part of yourself, homeboy ain’t gon turn it down. That’s like offering me steak, and you know I like steak. I’m going to eat the sh!t out of that steak. It’s part nature. Otherwise, men of the nice nature wouldn’t have this issue.
Protect your neck in these streets. A person can only take from you what you offer.
“Protect your neck in these streets. A person can only take from you what you offer.”
#Benediction!!!!
Let the church say Amen!!
Truth to power my friend!
And that’s why WE should too. Never put all you eggs in ONE BASKET straight out the gate because not everyone is 100 upfront about their dating situation, and quite honestly nobody owes anybody ANYTHING until “The Talk” has been had.
Agreed. They should at least know what they’re signing up for, even if they don’t need a complete rundown of the competition.
But isn’t dating a weeding process? I mean honestly, though I always say people should ask questions…why in anyone’s right mind think if they date someone…IT IS JUST THEM ALONE?
I’m a guy. There’s no such thing as ME BEING THE ONLY GUY if I ask a girl on a date, because 30 other guys did the same thing during the week, and 5 of them, including me got a shot.
This is where it gets confusing for me, because that is an extremely harsh assumption, to believe it is just you who is special if someone asks you on a date.
*enters kitchen*
*grabs croutons*
that’s partly what i was getting at.
but, it’s whatever. all the more reason to…
nah, i’m U-chillin.
*exits kitchen*
It’s because people don’t want to seperate Disney logic from reality, and that shyte has no place here. I can’t do it.
They assume because they want to be. Nobody wants to think they aren’t special and if you’re giving them the right attention, it makes them feel special. How does that make you look if she assumes you’re able to make multiple women feel this way simultaneously and she falls for it too?
Dating is a weeding process only if you make it known that you are dating. Some chicks assume you are courting not dating, and that’s a whole ‘nother bag of worms.
That’s the problem. There should be no such thing as “make it be known that you are dating”. You’re dating because you don’t know each other. You’re dating because you still talk to your ex. You’re dating because you have numbers of girls or guys you haven’t spoken to in months, but if they hit you up, it’s ON!
Come on now, at some point, we are too grown to be this clueless.
Completely agree with you. All I’m saying is everyone needs to be clear on the terms of the relationship (in whatever capacity that is) in order for everyone to be on the same page.
This is why I always assume we are just dating and that I’m never the only one. But people believe what they want to and go with the things that make them happy even at the expense of their better judgment.
And that’s why people fall for the trap. It isn’t even hard to look at one’s own life and see we got a lot of unresolved business with people who pop in and out of our lives. Rare is a person who doesn’t have that. So even if you are dating, if one of those people pops up, what do you do then? People forget that stuff.
Sure, but just be up front about it. That’s what will seperate the women from the girls. A grown woman will not only be able to handle it, she will appreciate your honesty. I think a lot of guys lead a woman to believe she’s the “only one” cuz yall are afraid yall won’t get the p*ssy otherwise. You’d be surprised how many woman would still deal with you even if you made it clear that yall aren’t together. Instead yall wanna be Drake, “tellin erry girl she’s the one for me, & I ain’t even plannin to callllll…” Smh lol
tell’em again ice. I don’t think they believing. Sometimes, depending on the woman, the man can’t handle/doesn’t know how to act when they run into a woman playing they own game- throws dude for a loop. he becomes intrigued and shyt. they dont believe in unicorns cause they are so elusive, but they do exist. tell em again.
The problem is with that is a lot of dudes are on their Jerry Sandusky steez even if the chicks are of age, if you get my drift. Men act like there’s a nani depression, and the only known source are immature chickenheads. *smh* I do agree with your statement though.
It’s not even just that. Men & women are both playing the field, assuming information, not asking questions, making bad decisions, and getting mad at each other when they should be getting mad at themselves.
So in the end, I’m trying to figure out where we got to a point where we all put ourselves on a pedestal that screams “I deserve to be treated special” when we do things to prove THAT IS A LIE.
If someone doesn’t explicitly say, we are a couple, will you be my girlfriend, the only safe assumption is that we are not exclusive and we don’t give each other exclusive treatment.
But that’s still dating. Nothing is established except liking the other person.
Honestly, when you meet someone, they got history. So do you. You get no confirmation that their history is relieved of it’s duty unless they say so, and the same goes for you. So that’s why I think it’s stupid to assume anything unless everything is set out on a table as a plan of what happens next.
I totally agree.
This is truth.
+10000
I respect honesty. And that is what is attractive to me. I never assume a man is only dating me because a man is single until the day he gets married. As am I.
Once a man was telling me that he wasnt obligated to no one because he wasnt married. He was paasionate while telling me thins and it sunk in and stays with me. That was a valued lesson I learned.
@Sweet GA Brown
“I never assume a man is only dating me because a man is single until the day he gets married. ”
Women would avoid single motherhood if they took this ideology as gospel
Hi, my name is Mic and I date around, but i’d love to make you a point on my circle.
i mean really though…….
that completely up front ish sounds good in theory…
…til get a drink in your face and a bad rep. And a bad rep means that one is no longer considered a good guy.
can’t be mad at a pirhanna for wanting to be a trout if it means he’ll swim in the fishing pond.
If you say so, ma’ams.
*exits post*
Welp, at least you left the kitchen for somewhere a lil cooler lmfao. I respect that
no. make up your mind and dedicate yourself to a life with one woman.
I agree! But it’s the selection process we’re talking about here.
There’s just SO MANY of y’all to choose from! So much variety! like pokemon or some ish.
For real tho. Do women go through the same thing? I know based on traditional gender roles alot of women wait to be approached, but yall i still got options because women get approached by men everyday. So y’all GOTTA be able to relate. Our perspectives are just different.
I mean at the end of the day, the nice guy procedure might be kinda wack. And nobody’s perfect.
And although we be hurting the ish out of y’all, we do wish all the women we encounter end up with someone who will throw flowers and candy and rub your feet and drink your bath water and take care of you watch basketball wives with you. It’s just hard sometimes to dismiss another person off the island.
lol. i think as a woman the only time ive had to select from several men is when several are interested and i have a decision to make. the ultimate test, the FINAL test is….’this is the life i want.’ i dont think i hurt men but i think measuring up tends to break more than a few. some wont even try. funny thing is though, the few who meet the standards are very off putting…
‘holy sh*t you made it…i have no idea how to handle this…’
but from a males perspective i imagine the selection process is a lot more frivolous because every woman wants to let you dip and dabble on the CHANCE you wanna be with her on some sweet, romantic comedy ish. i imagine men take full advantage as opposed to setting a standard. i imagine they egg women on for pleasure and amusement because a man cant choose a wife when he himself is not prepared to be her husband. dating isnt a selection process its a chess match of carnal desire.
i think depending on where you’re at, the chess match can be fun, but only if the two parties are up to it.
And it’s funny you talk about setting a standard, because i used to be that guy. but honestly, i got to college (an HBCU at that) and i was like, “this noble ish is for the birds. AND i stayed losing, cuz no one was trying to commit then. And i think guys are like that for a while (until like late 20′s).
I think dating is frivolous for men because we don’t always date for marriage. We date for fun, until one day we decide we wanna get married then go and do it. Only exception is when somebody walks into your life that is simply too good to pass up (which happened to me at 22. Talk about dilemma).
And hell, maybe it is a man fail because we’re supposed to lead and be a few steps ahead of yall (which is backwards considered that women are MUCH more mature).
I don’t think we egg women on as much as we just like to have fun and chase yall around. And y’all like it to. The game changes when one person doesn’t wanna play anymore.
And maybe the issue is the fact that for men, love is game until its not.
For women, love is never a game.
lol! @ that noble ish is for the birds. i bet it is with free, delicious a*s just sitting around and being thrown at you, and perhaps this chase/catch thing is enjoyable for some but id rather just plant myself, get caught, and see how we measure against one anothers desires. not for fun. for keeps. decades of bliss and weathered tribulations.
until isht gets real and a dude actually puts ‘for keeps’ to me. then its like heeeey how bout we slow ALL the way down and give me a little room to compute you. and this is always my shortcoming. i am SO shook of just enjoying a man with my heart on my sleeve. even when hes CLEARLY serious i just tell myself hes having fun. and if hes just sport dating theres no reason to even entertain a hope im his one and only. silly.
But you know, i think being shook is part of the thrill. The uncertainty is a rush. I think part of the magic of love is just jumping off a cliff, hoping someone will meet you halfway, and you fall together. Although i went through me chase/catch release phase, i eventually smartened up when the one i couldn’t live without came along. And even though im still learning this thing, at least i’m not in it alone. When we find the one we want (or just get tired of looking), we’ll put a ring on it. The goog thing about good guys is i think they’ll ultimately make good husbands and fathers that are committed to their families. It ties right back aorund into not wanting to see someone hurt, and by this time the selfish part is gone too because part of being a selfish family man includes being selfish on behalf of your family. Their happiness becomes directly tied with ours, and that’s a good thing.
(._.) *genuinely lets that lesson about men set in*
So y’all say.
I actually disagree with this. You have no idea what you’re signing up for in the beginning as a male either. But people are people. At some point, somebody pulls ahead unless you view all women as objects you bone. If you have feelings they can and do develop.
I think that at some point, over time, you do owe a conversation to whoever you’re dealing with though. THAT’s the point where men start to hurt y’all. We tend to hope we don’t have to have those convos.
That’s true.
Exactly. this is about context of maturity. If you get wise enough to see a person as a real, flesh and bone, I-bleed-like-you-bleed human being…then you do learn how to respect someone off the back. But that doesn’t mean they are on the same page at the moment you say “Hello”. So that’s why the game is played, to weed people out. But in doing so, maturity dictates whether you should put shyte on the table from the get-go…or if you’re going to procrastinate, waiting for an easy way to get it done.
“I think that at some point, over time, you do owe a conversation to whoever you’re dealing with though.”
Yup! That was all I ever wanted from that guy. I didn’t open up the conversation myself because I didn’t want to scare him. Plus, I’ve come to find that whenever a woman says she’s confused or that she doesn’t want a relationship, men think she’s either full of BS/it’s game or take that as a challenge to pursue her even if he isn’t into her either. I just wish we would’ve had that conversation instead of him just forgetting I existed. Oh well.
I appreciate this. I can see the depth in your analysis and it is greatly appreciated. Hopefully you’ll inspire someone who is currently lying to a woman in order to not hurt her to be straight up…in order to prevent her from getting hurt. I didn’t agree with the apology section of this. I do think a well timed, heartfelt apology is a priceless tool. The initial apology is just for diffusal purposes. The one that comes a year later.
.once you see the affect your choices have had on this woman can make the difference in her healing. Hurt people, hurt people.it’s a vicious cycle.
true indeed.
Ahhh…the “Drake” apology.
Yea..that’s officially proof that we’ve grown up. At least a little bit.
Now that’s that sh*t I don’t like.
Men stay saying they don’t want to hurt anybody, while hurting somebody. That’s like saying “I don’t want to stab you” while strapping a girl to a board and throwing knives at her.
All this “I don’t wanna hurt you” sh*t is, for all the hemming and hawing, a cop out. You know how you don’t hurt me? By NOT hurting me. How do you not hurt me? Don’t let me think we’re something we’re not.
*huffs and sits in corner muttering about those damned men*
^^Boom TIMES 2!!!!!
Preach on it my young sista with an old soul, PREACH!
Tabernacle!
I always assume there are other women as not to get myself prematurely attached to the mere thought of an “us” occurring.
Should he/I lose interest I will be able to recognize the signs as soon as they appear and make my exit stage left.
Say it, Tes!
Sits, huffs, and mutters in corner with tes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMOKlXfXn50
don’t wanna hurt you sounds better that “I like you and all but not enough to tell these other girls I hate to see them frown but I rather see you smiling, so ima do me and you do you (well not too much because I’m not going to want anything to do with you, double standards and what not), and u know if we both free sometime we should get up. OK Thanks bye.”
Sounds good < honesty.
"You're not feeling me that way? Well damn…okay then." – a Tes response.
The thing of it is, not only are the dudes who do this not being honest they're wasting MY time. By putting me on a team of chicks when I'm clearly a single player, they take up all my energy and time and things I can't get back.
You’re not a single player til you’re a single player.
Tes i got mad love for you but (don’t you just HATE that “but”) it is what it is. Although we’ll all still feel how we feel, the problem is that we don’t want y’all to be hurt at all.
Forgive a ninja for trying to NOT be a dog and still being a dog. WOOF.
I guess we need to learn that you can’t defy nature. The main reason dudes do this is because we don’t wanna be the dog @$$ ninja that intentionally hurts women because they’re selfish. At the end of the day, the law of self-preservation will ALWAYS prevail. A man will pick himself over you, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. Blame us for deceiving you AND ourselves. That guilt and self-loathing for hurting someone you didn’t wanna hurt is a bish all on its own.
Somebody has to be hurt to some degree. Just make sure it ain’t you.
Mad love to you too, homie, but (and yes, I do hate the “but”) “it is what it is” isn’t good enough for me. Especially when I’m the one always ending up hurt.
Then homie, you’re gonna have to grow some claws.
to me, intentions don’t matter in this context. you’re in the same boat as dude who is an ‘intentional’ a-hole. you’re both dishonest. and both of your actions result in hurt.
Well if the word forever ain’t in the context, hurt is inevitable.
And it’s not dishonest. You already know that every dude that approaches is tryin to get in your draws. He damn sure ain’t tryin to cuddle and watch popcorn.
And who ever said anything about dishonest? By omission, maybe. But let’s be honest. That boomerang is gonna hit EVERYBODY. For women it just hit in dating.
And intentions ALWAYS matter. They’re the main reason we go through wahtever means we go through. Dudes ain’t running around breaking hearts for fun.
I agree to a point. Be real here, while there are some guys who will indicate to you that you are way more than you are, there are also women who will make a lot of assumptions about where they stand, and usually very early on.
So let me fix this: “Don’t tell me we’re something we’re not” is a lot more accurate than what you think. I can speak to you once a week and see you one other time that week and there are women (and men) who will inflate that into a true blue courtship.
perhaps the response here is that both sides need to be honest with what’s really happening and act accordingly.
Ding ding ding! That last paragraph FTW!
Uncle PJ, it’s a sore topic for me.
The guy I “dated” two dudes back lead me on for a good six months. After the first week of dates he said “You know, you’re a good girlfriend.” Six months later he said “I didn’t want to you hurt you. You’re a good girl friend.”
Its like I said above, sure the rejection hurts, but all that time he was trying to play house I had other dudes hitting me up like “I dig you, what’s up?” and I’m walking around like Boo-Boo the Fool saying “I’m spoken for” when I wasn’t.
I learned though, so I can agree that intentions need to be stated up front. You may get rejected faster, but at least you can cut you’re “Brokenhearted” time way down.
Yea but guess what?
You did it too. We all do it. We don’t even know when we’re doing it, and doing it well, but we’re doing it.
It’s life. The hope is that someone can smack the sense in us early enough in life that we don’t leave a trail of broken hearts behind us.
I never meant to hurt any of the girls I hurt, even if they hurt me. But I can’t take it back. I can just learn from what I’ve done. I could make excuses and say “well how come she doesn’t ask proper questions instead of just assuming”…but in the end, it’s my life, my choices, my mistakes, my regrets, my memories to reflect on to prevent it from happening again.
that’s all I got.
I’mma tell you a story.
The dude I “dated” two dudes back had a friend. Both of them liked me at the same damn time, but I had made my choice. The second I know the Wingman caught feelings, I took him for a walk and told him he was a nice guy, but not for me. He and I are still friends, while his d*uchetastic best friend is on my Hate list.
Even the rebound guy knew from jump he was a rebound guy. Told him out the gate “We have nothing in common, but if you want to take me on a date, I’ll go.” The next day he wanted to be exclusive. Three days later, he “broke up” with me. *shrugs*
So no, I haven’t done it. Now if a guy likes me and he doesn’t say anything? That’s not my fault. Closed mouths don’t get fed in my house.
Ok Tes. So you’re the exception. But clearly you know on the average, this almost never happens right?
If I had a nickel for every time someone’s said that to me…
But I can see how, on average, it doesn’t end up that way. How does that get fixed though?
It doesn’t.
What Mic said.
Asking humanity itself to be responsible for anything is like asking any of the chicks from Basketball Wives to show their real hair.
It’s not happening.
*sadfaces*
But asking one person to do it is a totally different story.
Hence why we are having this conversation.
Now hug me.
*waits a moment*
*hugs*
Cause I don’t do sh*t on command, but when I want to.
And I just happened to want to so, ha!
Feeling a lil’ conflicted by this post, folk…
The decent, altruistic part of me (80%) is nodding in total agreement and saying, “Yeah…yeah, fam.”
However, the ##### in me (20%) is asking, “PJ, what are you doing? You can’t be revealing all that sh*t, man. In the name of all that is holy, stop snitching…”
I’m a work in progress…sue me.
DG,
You are requested to appear in VSB court on the charges of buffonery by the undersigned.
X__Tes___
Please appear periodically throughout the day as mandated by the Honorable Judge Judy Alex Brown.
He’s not revealing anything a woman with sense already doesn’t know.
aye to the men!
However, the ##### in me (20%) is asking, “PJ, what are you doing? You can’t be revealing all that sh*t, man. In the name of all that is holy, stop snitching…â€
I know right? He all Rat pack ova here! Good post but you lettin em ALL IN PJ! *Points at heart* All UP IN HERE!!
“but you lettin em ALL IN PJ!”
That’s what she said….
LOL. I don’t view this as snitching. It’s more of a “we alll know this” so let me put it writing.
Codification so to speak. Women know this too. Especially the ones who take a step back and evaluate their homeboys and their past relationships.
Nah B…let this happen.
We need these women to get this shyte, because it’s getting old. The consistent fights about miscommunication and assumptions. If it was put on the table, and they at least attempted to hear our side of the story, we might not look like such azz-holes.
Might not. Didn’t say it 100% full proof.
i feel like somewhere, some ninja’s car windows won’t get busted cuz of this.
It took me a long time to figure out but the intent of my actions were only relevant to me because I wasn’t the one getting hurt by the moves I was making. I mean I can justify it and rationalize it however I wanted, but at the end of the day they still over there f*cked up because of it. Those justifications start to assuage your conscience less and less when you really desperately care about the people you’re hurting or intimately know the women getting hurt by other dudes.
*e-hugs*
Oh Malik, with your dark, shining armor…
Don’t make me get the Scarlet Knight suit and joust. I rep my clique proper.
Their new uni’s on fiyah!
The Diet Coke helmets suck, but the uniforms themselves are fine. Flip the Red and the Chrome on the unis, and I think we have a winner there.
Nah, I’m diggin em. Of course they can’t touch Oregon…but, no one can.
I’m a lady who’s always down for a good joust though, so don’t tempt me.
agreed.
Yup yup.
wow! this speaks to my current situation. & its soo damn true. fuck men.
Dang. That’s how u feel, ma? Lmao
Do better than that.
well…date other chicks……
What’s good, VSB’s and VSS’s? Haven’t posted on here in a minute.
All I will say is that I kind of agree with what She Who Reads said above….I was never one for giving a half-assed shot at multiple women. I’d rather give one woman a whole shot….but not in a “putting your eggs in one basket” kind of way, though.
Co-sign. If I’m talking getting into a relationship with a woman, then it’s only one woman. I know what it’s like to be jerked around. It sucks. So why does it make sense to do it to someone else? All it does is add to the cycle. Bad guy plays with innocent woman’s emotions, woman turns bitter, newly bittered woman plays with good guy’s emotions, good guy turns into Stevie J, rinse, repeat.
That last phrase though…LOL
This is true, but you know the resident Male Bashers ain’t trying to go past “Bad Guy palys with innocent Women’s emotions and they get hurt and bitter”….. in Their Ideological Bubble, that’s ALL their is and No Responsibility for what they do After that point
Sad but true. For a few (though thankfully far from the majority) women, every time a man blinks funny at a woman is an excuse to rob, abuse and assault every man in a 4 county radius of their home. Though I’m wondering if they’re looking for an excuse to do stuff that they wanted to do anyway. *smh*
Ok Marshall… I will confess. In my past life I was the not so nice or innocent woman playing with guys emotions. However I didnt do it because I was bitter. It was as Malik said “the intent of my actions were only relevant to me because I wasn’t the one getting hurt by the moves I was making.”
But at least you see fault in it. There are many women out there who are playing men like a fiddle and see nothing wrong until they are about to lose status, and then pull Hail Marys out their ass to keep it, digging in these men even worse.
We already know the same thing happens vice versa, the point is when do we get that we already hurt so many people.
There’s truth there.
I feel you, but I’m more or less talking to the point where you’re even getting there. Maybe you all know right away when you meet a chick that she’s the one. I’d wager that most men don’t.
If you don’t want to hurt, and are genuinely a “good guy”, then why hurt?
Makes no sense at all. If you want to eat buffet style, by all means, go ahead! BUT, let Miss Shrimp, Miss Fried Rice, Miss General Tso, Miss Foong Foong Wa Lobster Tongs, KNOW that they are NOT special. If anything, you are merely sampling the different platters on offer and are not interested in exclusivity.
I strongly believe in, “Do unto others as you would like them to do to you”! How would you like it if she misled you into thinking you are/were the only grain in her rice when there are/were many more?! C’mon!
Miss Foong Foong Wa Lobster Tongs? lmao
Ooh ooh, I wanna be miss crab rangoon! Those are my fave!
lol, IP!!
Miss Crab Rangoon you are.
Wassup with Miss Shrimp, though? She single? Is she into black dudes? Tell her I’m interested. Because I just KNOW she got a mean curve on her. Her name says it all….
Yes. Yes. I’ve heard she likes those with crater inducing abilities….
Oh word? So she’s down with Galactus The Ultimate Destroyher?
She’s been down since forever, ever.
Miss Shrimp? *Sings off key* “Turn on the lights…I’m lookin for her too…I heard she keep her promise and never turn on you
You stay away from my Shrimp!
Mami! I was asking myself the same question!
I like your puppies <3
thanks!! Aren’t they adorable?! Love animos!
“KNOW that they are NOT special”
low standards have redefined the word “special” for far too many…
people want to feel special even if they not….Why girls these days gotta boyfriend, boo, bestie, brother, and twin.
I agree with the point being raised by your question. That’s where the “we dont know what we’re doing comes in”. Which is as destructive as anything. I agree.
We just have to do better in that regard. And until we actually take a step back and look at it (as via posts like this), then we can’t.
It’s never that easy. And you know that.
Look at any young man in your family. Look at the way your family treats him. Listen to how he talks with his friends. Now tell me when he is of dating age, that he will go the world of dating women with a correct set of tools to be kind, gentle, and caring.
He won’t. Do you know why? Because he’s been given so much information about how to make HIM happy. No one else. Just him. But you on the other hand? Or some of the young girls in your family…yall had a totally different set of treatment you were given. And that’s why your expectations are different from a man’s.
Only life really tells us we had it wrong the whole damn time.
This is the equivalent of a woman writing an article apologizing to all the guys who wanted her, but ended up being put in the friend-zone. My response is well, “chalk it up to the game and keep moving”. Rejection is a part of the game and it’s part of life, and it hurts like sitting down on a chair and having your ass drop flat to the ground while the back of your head hits the edge of the seat. Are you just gonna stay on the ground in pain while everyone looks at you pointing fingers laughing hysterically, or are you gonna straighten yourself up, get back on your seat and keep doing what you came to do in the first place?
Men have to worry about rejection in the beginning whereas women have to deal with rejection in the end…”the first shall be the last.” Women have the power to reject a man’s advance, men have the power to reject a woman’s love and commitment. For every guy whose placed his head down in shame, or who has tricked his way to a woman’s friend-zone shield, there’s a woman with a large spoon scooping up Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream, watching some Kathering Heigel flick, just trying to hold on to whatever dignity she has left.
That’s why this Good guy dialogue kind of makes me sick. The game is fair, and it holds no prisoners. I’m sure most women don’t want to hurt guys, but they still do because the guys ain’t got what the woman needs or wants. They might get friendship as consolation prize but hey that’s the way it is man. If you’re a hunter in this game of love and sex, and everytime you are hunting you keep rustling the grass and losing your prey, ain’t nobody going to feel bad for you. You have to go out there and go figure it out or die hungry. That’s this game, nothing is going to change no matter what you say or how much empathy people give you for your failures.
That’s the plight for women as well, the game is “Men want more than one woman, if you want the guy to stay with you and only you, you gotta do stuff that drags him away from the pursuit of other women,” now some women choose not to play this game and take themselves off the market, others decide to be rebellious and just eff whichever guy they want, just like some guys choose to take themselves out of the game, buy sex or strippers, or just go through Jergens like they have Clayton Bigsby skin. You can deny the existence of the game, or view it as some form of conspiracy against your own fantasy, but like Bane said to Batman: “Ah, yes… I was wondering what would break first…Your spirit or your body.”
The game is fair: there are losers and there are winners. Anytime you look at the other side and you’re like damn, they’re losing, you’re ignoring the people on your side who lose and no body gives two f*cks about. No one cares about the fat chick who has vaccum sucking lips but only gets calls or texts after 10:45 PM Thursday-Saturday. Nobody gives a f*ck about the dude who spend 4 hrs talking to his girlfriend about all her male problems while feeling awkward about the hard on he struggles to hide anytime he has this chick on his mind. This isn’t high school where everyone gets a trophy, and the truth is it’s hard out there, and if you want to be on the winning team you gotta stop whining and figure out what you need to do to win that gold medal you crave. When women start giving off sympathetic pu$$y, men should start giving up sympathetic relationships. Until that time, pursue the game or eat the dust…end of story.
moderation
That was some real ish.
Wow…this is some real truth here. Though can I say that with the possible exception of the rebellious chick, all of the above are just giving up on the Game? It’s serious, and it’s sad.
Men have to worry about rejection in the beginning whereas women have to deal with rejection in the end…â€the first shall be the last.†Women have the power to reject a man’s advance, men have the power to reject a woman’s love and commitment.
That hit me like a brick for some reason. Good words.
Boom. There ya go. Let’s stop pretending women have no agency here, that they have no hand in shaping the relationship landscape before them. Men know what they’re doing. And women do too. Man up. Woman up. Or STFU.
o_O!!
I’ll address you on the other side, “STFU”—->no less with a smile…..
+1,000,000 The Herm Edwards version of Explaining Relationships and Emotions
Nope.
First scenario… the guy does things to suggest they find said woman special. That they are the only one he is seeing. That they might actually be in a relationship. That is a lie.
Second. Woman tells guy she is only interested in being his friend. He holds hope for otherwise????????????? No lying involved. She is up front… and gave him respect that she doesn’t see him as anything more than a friend.
GTFOH.
Stop it with all your pro-female propaganda lol.
1st Scenario:
First off, why does the guy try to make the girl feel she’s special – because he wants some ass. Is she gonna give him ass, if he doesn’t make her special? No. Why does he tell the girl she’s the only one he’s seeing – well the alternative is “Hey, I got at least five other women I’m seeing and I want to add you to my list.” Unless you rocking a pimp hat and a Katt Williams suit, that’s probably not gonna work. That they might be in a relationship – well, as was said before, dudes always want more than one, and most women ain’t willing to join a harem and want to be “the one”, so why not lie.
2nd Scenario:
Guy comes by hollas at woman, woman says she only wants to be friends. Fine, good woman. Still the guy has gotten rejected, and women always say “Oh well I was respectful”, “Oh I was honest”, yet they still never go out there and go up to a guy they want and say, “Oh I want you”, nah they wait because they don’t want to be in the same position again. As far as him waiting around and hoping, don’t jumpoffs hope they will one day be girlfriends, then hope from there they will become wives. They might be dumb and delusional but we don’t view them as evil for doing so.
Smh, the game is the game, you just want to have a monopoly on the woe-is-me or woe-is-women position, where men are your oppressors and the cause of all your issues in your love life. Which is fine, just know that when you put the clothes and all the expensive watches in the car and poor gasoline on all of that stuff and light it on fire, unlike Angela Basset, you will see some metal bars by the end of the day.
Don’t bother, Negro Libre. It’s a lost cause. Since her standard for male behavior is so high that even some members of Seal Team 6 who went to get bin Laden aren’t man enough, there’s no way for a mere mortal to compete. Maybe one day, she’ll loosen up her standards, but that’s asking a lot. Unless you’ve been sexually assaulted and tortured in the past year or so, yet still are doing well. Then you just might meet her humble, meager standards.
What is the friend zone? Is it anything more than a man pretending to be a woman’s platonic friend in hope of one day getting in her pants? And this man is a victim? This has always confused me.
It’s more a woman keeping a man around that 1) she sees as nothing more than a friend when 2) she asks him to do boyfriend-like stuff and 3) knows homeboy wants to be her boyfriend.
To flip it around, imagine if I had you cook for me, took you around to meet the friends and fam, knowing good and hell well I just want to smash, and I don’t want you to be the wifey. How would YOU feel?
This happens all the time to women. Go over to Clutch and hear the lamentations.
I would feel like a fool, especially if you told me upfront that’s all you wanted.
Jumpoff = Friend-zone.
It’s that simple. I’ve never meant a jumpoff who didn’t see herself as a victim, when she was with a guy who didn’t want to commit to her. And I’ve never met a dude who was in the friend-zone who didn’t see himself as a victim, and wanted a woman to give it up.
Women get confused because here’s how they view things:
Man wants only sex – He’s a nuissance.
Man wants relationship – Good man
Whereas with men:
Woman wants only sex: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woman wants a relationship: F*CKKKKKK!!!!
When you look at us thru your own eyes only you come to you false conclusions about us, and when we look at you thru our eyes only we do the same.
the difference is whether you tell the person what you want from them. The man in the friend zone is always told. The jump off is never told. because if she is aware and participatsting, she’s not really a jump off.
No, not every man is told he is just a friend. Maybe some women give that courtesy, but quite a few don’t.
Some women go as far as to say “I gave you hints”….but what good is a hint if it wasn’t put out for all to see?
What both you and Sweetsass are doing is you’re redefining terms based on a woman’s perspective, rather than their own independent meaning.
A guy is in the friend-zone, based on what he wants to be not on what the woman declares him to be. The same way a jump-off is a woman who wants to be in a relationship, but only is getting sex out of the guy.
The declaration or telling a woman something is simply the rejection. A woman tells you she only wants to be friends, that’s the rejection. A man tells you he only wants to have sex when you want more that’s the rejection.
What happens afterwards is one party or another relying on hope, that the person they want will change their mind. Whether it happens or not, good luck to them. But just like one person always has a right to reject someone always has the right to pursue even if it leads no where. You’re not evil because you’re dumb, neither are you evil because you want to give something to someone that they don’t want.
“The man in the friend zone is always told.”
Yeeaa, no. We are not. Don’t know where women are getting this from.
Jumpoff =/= friend zone.
The main difference is honest information.
If you are willing to have the courage to tell someone she is a jump off to her face and deal with the consequences… that is the right thing to do. It is not ‘effective’ if your goal is being shady and trying to pull a fast one.
When a guy is told “Let’s just be friends.” That is it. He is being given the option to stick around and get friendship or hit the road.
“Is it anything more than a man pretending to be a woman’s platonic friend in hope of one day getting in her pants?”
No. It’s usually men who genuinely, really value you and want to be in a relationship with you, but just never really given the chance. Meanwhile, the female has him do a bunch of sh*t she knows he’ll do because she knows how he feels about her.
He does know how to say No, right? He’s not a victim.
While that may be true…that’s not exactly fair either.
Any woman who tells a man what to do to get a woman’s attention usually repeats the lines of how to not piss a woman off, but also to be persistant in his pursuit of her.
But when putting that logic to the test, things get murky and it never plays out the way we were told. So we end up making mistakes because we are working on the advice we were given, not realizing it was bad advice.
In short, it’s taking advantage of a his feelings. Gotcha!
The friend zone doesn’t victimize men. I don’t see a problem with the friend zone. I only see a problem when anyone, male or female, puts someone else in this category yet doesn’t respect boundaries. Basically, when you friendzone someone yet use them to do couple things when you can’t find someone to do that with.
Call a jump off, a “jump off” to her face. Show some courage. If she leaves… then that is her right. But LYING… is LYING… and makes you a scum bag. If she stays, well, she is as thirsty as you.
Call a man to his face that is he only a friend. If he sticks around and does things like change your oil… he is a dumb ass. But he a dumb ass who was given the information.
These two scenarios are not at all alike. One person is being given false info, the other one is being given brutally honest info.
And what things does the guy do? According to PJ, simply talking to woman will be interpreted by her as trying to make her feel special. So maybe he’s not lying to her. Maybe she’s just lying to herself. Men and women both know the deal. It’s up to you to recognize it and act accordingly.
yeah, im with Negro Libre here. you’re kind of full of sh*t with this one. don’t pretend like women are all saintly glittered fairies of truth and honesty. it’s not always the case and you know it.
Mmmhmmm. And these women who do that ruin it for other women who don’t partake in said shenanigans. Let’s not pretend here like men have all the power and do all of the effed up things. Women are just as involved and just as guilty. And no, I’m not blaming the victim, but it’s one thing to reject a guy and say “we CAN be friends” (giving him that option) and it’s another thing to reject a guy, friendzone him, and request certain perks from him just because he likes you, which sadly, I see a lot of girls do. Men take advantage. Women take advantage. It’s tough out there!
No, you’re full of sh*t with this one.
Putting someone in the friend zone means sitting down and tell him, “I don’t see you as a romantic partner… just as a friend.” What he chooses to do after that either makes him a dumbass waiting for her to change her mind… or he can cut loose. If he cuts loose… she accepts the consequences he won’t be picking up her dry cleaning no mo.
Being a LYING a$$ however, you are not giving the correct information for the woman you are dealing with to make her own choice to bounce or stick around and not be treated as well as she would like.
LYING is the crux here vs. BRUTAL honesty.
Honesty > lying.
you right. b/c that always happens. EVERY chick who has ever put a ninja in the friend zone has been completely upfront.
get off the bath salts.
a lot of people end up in the situations they are in and realize it. there aint always some upfront convo.
The “friendzone” is a result from being told “Let’s just be friends.”
Prior to that… you are just some dude who knows a woman… who hasn’t slept with you yet.
You aren’t owed shYt. She doesn’t have to be nice to you… she doesn’t have to sleep with you… you aren’t dating… wtf?
So now… you guys are just defining ‘friend zone’ as any women who won’t f&ck you? Really? Wtf?
Friendzone is a myth. It should be renamed… “you are rejected and move on with your life” zone.
I don’t think that is what she said. The assumption is not that all women are “saintly fairies of truth and honesty,” but that in order to be “friendzoned,” at some point a woman had to make the guy aware that he was just a friend. Could the timing make this relevation just as callous as the guy who doesn’t know when to cut off communication? Definitely! But, Negro Libre doesn’t take issue with that. When he plays back the scenarios, he admits that the girl told the guy upfront that she only saw him as a friend. He seems to be upset that the guy will get vilified for holding out hope for a chance with his friend. Which is actually unresponsive to Sweet Sass’s comment which makes the point that lying to some else to get what you want (inducement) is different from lying to yourself about someone who doesn’t want you (delusion). It’s actually not even a gendered argument.
I take too long to post my thoughts.
THANKYOU!
THANKYOU!
THANKYOU!
THANKYOU!
THANKYOU!
THANKYOU!
Exactly. Gender has nothing to do with it. You lie . you’re wrong. Period. End of story.
I’m glad you used the word “seems”, because your conclusion is incomplete and misguided.
If you read my post about how a female jumpoff = a guy in the friend-zone for some more clarity as to what I’m saying. The guy just like the woman is a victim of the game, not of the woman herself: she just rejected him, which I never implied makes women evil (she took it that way, which is typical) because they want something more, but they can’t get it.
She’s mad at guys who fall in the friend-zone because they don’t give women the upper hand to decide the guy’s fate (by with-holding the fact that they want her for sex, she never considers in addition that the guy might actually want to be in a relationship as well with her), in other words for lying. But that’s like men getting mad at jumpoffs who hide the fact that they want to be in relationships, when you’re just f*cking them. It shows an ignorance of a perspective and the ability to dispassionately make judgements about two people’s separate interests and how they collide with one another.
She just wants power over a dude who’s into her, and she’s not willing to admit it so she hides it by victimizing her sex.
Did she say that? Or did she just disagree that friend zone=jumpoff? You’re reaching.
“but that in order to be “friendzoned,†at some point a woman had to make the guy aware that he was just a friend.
This is not always the case. So, no. Us being told, “we’re just friends,” doesn’t happen as frequently as you think it does.
“lying to some else to get what you want (inducement) is different from lying to yourself about someone who doesn’t want you (delusion).”
THIS!!!!
There’s a lot of truth here.
***nodding head***
Listen,
I HATE what you have to say, but it’s the truth
Well gotdamn.
The greatest story never told.
Free Black Man,
You spoke wisely. Carry on free spirit.
Ouch!!!!
leave it up to BM to bring some grown man real shitisim to the convo.
personally i’m tired of the whining.
this is the game people play it or sit the fuhcks down.
we are all selfish a$$ creatures….ALL OF US…. dudes and chicks alike. it’s only when one doesn’t play by our rules do folks get there feelings all touched.
For some reason this post reminds me of Champ’s post about being a nice guy and something about not intensionally leading girls on…..its late and I cant sleep while my hair is being braided so none of this may make sense…
“….braaaaaaaaaaaaaaid my haaaiiiiiiiiir…”
I aint had my hair braided since the 90s.
Honestly I think men and women both do this, however, it does seem like men do it more but that could just be because I’m woman.
I have honestly found the best way to deal with this type of nonsense is to not allow yourself to get attached too quickly (if at all, depending on the guy).
For example, if someone is sending ‘good morning’ text messages, it might not be the best thing to answer back immediately every time with tons of smiley faces and exclamation points and open ended viewpoint questions trying to keep the text convo going throughout the day………that’s just unnecessary and then you put the other person in this awkward situation where he might want to end the convo but doesn’t know how so he just stops responding to your texts & then the girl is left wondering, “did he get it, should I send it again?” And then after sending a duplicate message in a sad attempt to force ole boy to respond, the girl gets her feelings hurt because she thinks he doesn’t want to talk to her anymore. So ultimately was it the guy’s fault for sending the good morning text or was the girl’s fault for caring way too much?
I think its the girl’s because we have to be in control over how much we allow ourselves to get involved, I believe that just shouldn’t be left up to anyone else.
I’ve found that getting to know guys as friends (not entering the friend zone) but really just getting to know them as people and treating them like you would treat anybody else helps to keep emotions and feelings from becoming blinding. So if one of my friends sent me a text saying ‘good morning’ i would probably just say good morning back, maybe put one smiley face because I’m hopelessly enthusiastic and then I would go on about my day and probably never think about that message again because really why would I? Who cares? I think doing the same thing with a guy helps because you realize that’s its just not that deep.
In short don’t read into what men do, just get to know them and then see if they are someone you would even want to be involved with in the first place. If they are then remember it ain’t nothing until y’all actually say hey, we’re in a relationship and you see that he actually means it. That’s my thoughts……
THIS ^^
Agreed, So Sincere!
Great nugget of Truth from this
I don’t answer texts at all. I’ve been accused of being ‘cold blooded’. Oh well. Least I don’t waste time with losers.
Seriously, the Sarcasm you spewing out of your pores to the keyboard is below even a Preschooler’s comprehension. Whatever SOME Guy(s) did to you back in the day, Let. It. Go. Already. Move On and STFU lumping All Males in the Loser, “Ain’t Shyte”, Deadbeat catergories and For Once look in the damn mirror to see what YOU have done in your life
I wasn’t being sarcastic. I was being literal. I don’t have long text convos. If someone has something important to say to me… I expect them to call.
Hi stalker.
What’s Up, Troll………..
All good advice.
Very true. That’s why I don’t take good morning texts seriously.
Awww man!
D*mn Mayans warned me about this lol.
*e-hugs*
“Again, the worst part is that most men going through these things are the good guys.”
I would partially agree. I say partially because I think even the “good guys” know what they’re doing. I’ve seen a lot of good guys, especially on FB, entertain multiple females not out of general interest or feelings that they’re actions are harmless, but because of ego. Knowing that they’ve got numerous women pining after them gives their ego a stroke mighty enough to make pr0n stars jealous.
They enjoy the feeling of getting their ego stroked, and despite knowing the terrible adverse effects their actions have on women, they want that feeling to continue. So they rationalize it by saying as long as they keep it a secret and no one finds out, then no one gets hurt. Problem is, as PJ pointed out, women aren’t stupid. They’ll connect the dots. And they WILL find out. Which leads to a lot of unecessary drama and pain (on the women’s end) that could’ve been avoided if you were just upfront.
TUK, if they were such good guys, they wouldn’t be controlled by their egos.
Not really. Because EVERYONE has fell to their ego at some point in time. This doesn’t make them bad. It makes them human. They could be good guys in the sense that then generally treat women with respect, treat their girlfriends nicely, etc. Being a “good guy” doesn’t mean they have nothing but good qualities. Just that most of their qualities are good.
What seperates the good guys and bad boys here, is that good guys don’t get into FB scenarios LOOKING to hurt women. However, if finding himself in that scenario, he MIGHT drag it along, despite knowing what he’s doing is wrong and feeling guilty about it. He says, “Hey, this is kinda nice,” then drags it along due to self-indulgance.
Bad guys on the otherhand, get into these situations purposely, doesn’t feel guilty about anything, and gives zero f*cks about who he hurts in the process.
^^^ I agree wit this.
Should be “everyone has fallen* to their ego”.
I saw the mistake a long time ago. I tried to ignore it…but it was bugging the sh*t out of me.
Everyone does fall prey to ego. There’s a point though where people can reasonable believe that it isn’t you falling into your ego. That just might be the type of person that you are and that you may sometimes do nice things. Your main descriptor would be whatever falling into your ego entails instead of it being nice.
I agree with this, but I’ll tweak it just a bit.
“That just might be the type of person that you are and that you may sometimes do nice things.
See I would classify this dude as a bad guy anyway, seeing as he only “sometimes” does nice things. That fact that playing with women’s emotions is more character driven than ego driven just exacerbates things, in my opinion. I define a good guy as someone who is overall (read: mostly) nice.
“What seperates the good guys and bad boys here, is that good guys don’t get into FB scenarios LOOKING to hurt women. ”
i do wonder how true this is, though. i mean, if we have to keep stretching the definition of good in order to still be able to fit it, does the word still even apply?
But when did it become stretching? Was this not already a behavior that a “good guy”, i.e, a person who respects women and cherishes them and whatnot, would exhibit?
If your GOAL is to use women, can you really say you were a “good guy” in the first place? I think not.
I agree with you, TUK, but the way you made it sound was like they enjoyed hurting these girls. As long as their egos were stroked it was fair game.
Really? Because that’s not what I was saying. I was saying that they realize what they’re doing is wrong, and they feel guilty about it, but they enjoy the attention so much that they begin trying to rationalize what they’re doing. They don’t enjoy hurting a person, but they do enjoy the attention they’re getting.
“but they enjoy the attention so much that they begin trying to rationalize what they’re doing.”
that’s what led me to think they believed it was fair game. due to their love of the attention. not trying to argue, just explaining why I viewed it the way I did. I don’t know any of these guys personally so don’t like to jump into labeling them.
yeah, we do need to be more upfront. i agree. or at least acknowledge the situatoin as it is when your lives intersect.
This is the real truth behind the truth. The “good guys” would like to use several women to keep that ego pump. I don’t see anything wrong with that. But saying they don’t want to hurt them is kinda be. Because if they cried themselves to sleep and contemplated suicide, but said nothing, the “good guy” would be happy. What he doesnt want is confrontation. And he doesn’t want to tell the truth. Because both things make his life unpleasant.
That’s how I was taking TUK’s comment. Are they really good guys if they are using these women to stroke their egos?
maybe the question is :: when does insecurity turn a good person ugly ?
i agree with some parts of this. especially re: the confrontation. you right about that.
I got into a similar discussion with a guy a few days ago. I told him that men think women are crazy and deluded, however, we only have your actions to go off of since human beings don’t say what they mean all the time. So if you’re spending any kind of time with us, we take that as real interest.
Yet when I get angry after being hurt and unintentionally but knowingly lied to, I’m the crazy bitch. Oh.
It pisses me off when guys do hurtful shit then tell women they should have known better. How am I supposed to know you’re lying to me? Why am I responsible for your behavior? Why aren’t you accountable for your own actions as a human being?
I think P did a good job in approaching the subject and trying to understand his own actions and attempting to understand why women feel the way we do. I don’t know how the fuck we’re supposed to make it as couples when we’re wired in a way that makes it so fucking hard to communicate effectively.
she gets f bombs in and I get moderation for saying “n s***” that’s that bull….but I agree sometimes we’re too smart for our own good, steadily thinking for the other person even they act one way 99.999% of the time tomorrow could be the .001 day so act accordingly
what can I say, the moderator is a motherf*cker.
It pisses me off when guys do hurtful shit then tell women they should have known better. How am I supposed to know you’re lying to me? Why am I responsible for your behavior? Why aren’t you accountable for your own actions as a human being?
I agree with this and you’re right. I have a counterexample that I’m going to use for a post eventually.
Here are two scenarios:
1. Precious-looking woman comes up to a guy chilling with a bunch of his boys at a Sports bar. She sees a man out of the group that she finds very attractive. Having a lot of courage from all the “excuse juice” she’s been drinking she walks up to the guy and says “Hey, you’re so fine, I want to suck your d*ck, so why don’t you pull your pants down?”
2. Lance Gross-looking dude walks up to you while you’re with a group offriends laughing and talking about things in a lounge. While you’re all having a great time, the guy walks up to you and is like, “Hey, yo I just saw your body and I was like damn I gotta eat that pu$$y, why don’t you pull your panties down and let me go to work.”
Where is honesty going to pay off more?
Fact is, the guy in the scenario is probably going to be like yeh, but whisper “Hey, of course, I want some head, lets just do it in private because I don’t want to make a scene.” Probably have the girl go to a unisex bathroom and then tell his boys he has to make a phone call, then go win his grand prize. He’s not going to turn down free head when it’s presented to him on a big ass rocky platter.
On the other hand, you are not just gonna be like, “Oh thank you, Mr. fine-ass-looking dude, who doesn’t have any respect for me, who couldn’t even introduce himself and recognize any of my friends, who has no charisma and doesn’t know how to talk to women…here my panties are down, start munching!!!”, even though, all he wants to do is give you pleasure. See, he has to do the dance, even when the only thing he’s going to gain is the knowledge that he’s giving you pleasure.
When you can accept that this women’s desire to have a mental-script fulfilled is the essence of why men lie to them so much, you begin to realize why men lie to women in the first place and how this is all just a cat and mouse game where everyone is a criminal and a victim at the same time.
“then go win his grand prize”
An STD.
Shyyyyte…it is the truth.
“It pisses me off when guys do hurtful shit then tell women they should have known better. How am I supposed to know you’re lying to me? Why am I responsible for your behavior? Why aren’t you accountable for your own actions as a human being?”
I’M SAYING! And when I do call guys out on their bs when I realize they are lying (I do that often), I am called a judgmental b*tch who never gives a man a real chance and that’s why I am alone, have always been alone, and will always be alone. Then when time passes and he kind of admits I’m right he says that he wouldn’t have lied if I just had faith in him and thus him lying to me was a self-fulfilling prophecy on my part since I never believed him anyway. Eff that.
How are you supposed to know when a man is lying to you?
Before I answer that question…how many times have you lied to a man? How many days have you been approached by men, giving an excuse after excuse so they can leave you alone? Or better yet, how many lies have you told yourself on a daily basis just to keep your spirits up or the illusion that you’re doing better than you actually are? Or how many times in a relationship did you omit information because you were scared what the consequences are? Or how many times have you gone out with a man just to stop thinking another man who you’re not too fond anymore?
The point is….look in the mirror.
It sucks being lied to, but being a liar helps you pick one out. Being an honest person helps even more so. Nobody goes around wearing signs that say “Avoid me, I lie too fawking much”, like Jews before WWII. You spend some time with a person, and if the things they do don’t add up to the things they say, you let them go. Liars are everywhere, from both genders, and they won’t just lie about ways to get in your pants, people can lie about anything for any reason.
So honestly..I feel your anger, cause I said the same shyte about women. But then I learned that people are people, and you can’t stop them from doing what they do. But you can stop them from doing it to YOU.
Man, this post is EVERYTHING.
I’ve always been straight up wit women in regards to my current status. I’ve just neva seen any reason to lie. Whether married, dating, single, or “it’s complicated” i’ve realized that if a woman “wants” you she will have you. Period.
After my divorce, about 9 months later I decided to get back out there but I knew I wasn’t ready for anything serious. I told anybody that was interested in something like that, that I was only “casually dating” with the INTENT on being in a committed relationship…eventually, and if they weren’t ok with that then I wasn’t the guy for them.
No lie, as exhausting (and fun) as it was, I ended up dating three women at the same time (for about 4 months) WHO ALL KNEW ABOUT EACH OTHER and were ok with it. I finally decided I was ready to commit to just one and cut the other’s off. We dated for 6 months exclusively before we went our seperate ways. Such is life.
But tha point is..to me, is that I’ve learned from playing with peoples feelings and having mine played with. It’s a real b*tch…and she’s has a gun. Just don’t do it. And don’t worry about what other’s think. A tiger doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep. If they can’t handle the truth..just keep it movin.
mmmmh, mmmmmh, mmmmmh!
I think it would better serve us [VSS], if you reverted your avi back to a ruler, because I am so highly distracted by the trunks and bare back, I mean swimming pool…it’s not funny! Your words lose [sp?] meaning for they are rendered unreadable with such a gorgeous sight. Don’t mind me oo, I’m just deconstructing your avi.
lol. thanx Mami. My FB profile pic. Figured I’d switch it up…
Good lawd! switch on up you did. May the good Lord protect you through the night, so that you can continue to bless us, mostly me, with nekkidness and FAHN physicaliture for the rest of our VSB lives, AMEN!
Amen!!
Oh, and before someone says it was all about sex, I was only smangin w/one of the three. I chose to be exclusive with the one I saw a long term relationship with…
True. Wise words that should be applied at all times.
Again, reminds me of a situation I just blogged about. I have no idea why men exhibit self-destructive and borderline tendencies towards relationships, but women do the same, so I can’t throw stones at your glass houses. As your homegirl said, PJ, you gotta be honest. Not only with others but above all, with yourself.
I just read your last blogpost Asiyah and it could be my life you are talking about! Damn
Yeah. I know. BTW, this isn’t my situation in life right now for those that think it is. LOL. Just a look back at life via convos I’ve had with my homeboys recently at out Homeboy Roundtable that occurs monthly.
I’m dictating our language.
I meant “you” in a general sense lol. I think you’re a bit more mature at this point and don’t really engage in many self-destructive tendencies. Or so I think…!
I have no idea where this post was going, but since you cater to the wimminz, i am sure they understand it.
I wish when I was 15 someone I trusted told me to be more douche. Intentional or unintentional. Because alot of young women love the tension that comes with a man who doesn’t do what they want him to do.
Now if this is a “older women wanting a “good” guy” issue but she is dealing with men who are not living up to her expectations, that is on her. Plain & simple.
in 2012, when I hear of men (un)intentionally hurting women, being destructive, I am proud of that man. For men like me who refuse to play for the other team, we have to work with the women (& their effed up mentality) we are bestowed with. I think most men who read my verbal flow chart understand where I am coming from.
Mamba out.
SSTTE
Can I say that you’re the poster dude of the bitter man? That’s just some jacka$$ery right there. If your whole M.O. is about hurting chicks in general because one did you dirty, that’s a fvcked up thing to say, no ifs ands or buts about it.
Why not get mad at the girl WHO DID YOU DIRTY instead of being a b1tch a$$ and taking revenge on random women? Or you could, ya know, let go of your pain and live a normal, healthy life. I’m sorry that your self-esteem is so beat down that you feel that you can only walk around as a weak, emotionally crippled dude, but you either need to heal yourself or leave other people alone so they won’t get hurt. This isn’t about being Captain Save-em, but being a decent, non-narcissistic human being.
@Todd
Get off my thread, little man, and stop projecting and face your demons. Stop tryin’ to make me a symbol of your darkside.
that you refuse to acknowledge.
Look, I know you’re off doing thesis research for your PhD from the Ike Turner-Chris Brown Institute for Interpersonal Relations, but I choose not to partake. The dark side only brings pain in the end. All of the revenge in the world is not only not helping, but it’s ultimately destructive.
“know you’re off doing thesis research for your PhD from the Ike Turner-Chris Brown Institute for Interpersonal Relations”
*Slain*
bwahahahaa
Bwahahaha…
I bet he is really frail and weak in rl.
“Can I say that you’re the poster dude of the bitter man?”
LMAO for real he is
Here is my Christmas present to you: You are an EPIC DOUCHE. Congrats.
(Too bad most women still wouldn’t fawk you with Margaret Thatcher’s vajajay.)
But I guess since you ‘play for the other team’ now… it doesn’t much matter does it?
You’re right on him being a douche, but let’s be honest. There is a large subset of women who think that they’ll have the Golden Nani to melt Adonis’ heart, and will throw it at him to their heart’s content. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m not saying it’s just. I’m not even saying it’s wise. I’m just saying that it’s an accurate description of a probable scenario.
@SweetsAss
Appreciate the gift.
Being that you are the radical feminist type, for the twelve days of Christmas, do somethin’ strange for a little change (cause your dumb a$$ would do it for free.) and film it for us. I’ll pay $15 for it, and I promise I won’t bootleg it.
Happy Holidays Suga
Mazel tov on coming out! I hope you find a nice guy to settle down with.
You know whatI agree with Todd. You do come off as real bitter. I have a problem with folks calling other folks anything that sounds like itch, but I think his sentiment is fair. Time to let it go, bruh.
@The ninja that makes you go hmmm.
More projection. The lack of understanding from so called college BM is astounding.
Go play in traffic.
that’s a damn shame that you get pleasure out of the pain of other women.
i feel guilty about chicks i hurt a decade ago. and luckily i’m friends with exes of mine who can help me with the self-evals.
damn homie…
@Panama Jackson
Women have masochistic tendencies. EL James should have made you peep game. Get over it.
And more importantly, get over yourself.
Good day.
who is EL James. and don’t get me fucked up. why you’re in your feelings i’m not sure considering how hard you tend to come on this site.
whats with the sensitivity leveled here? you pull no punches and you expect me too? and i didnt even come at you sideways. yet i need to get over myself? lol. nah b.
so thanks for the advice, it’s good. you should follow it.
50 Shades of Grey author.
IIRC, Adonis mentioned that his mom layeth the smacketh down on him as a kid, and she wasn’t singing along with The Rock, if you get my drift. Hmmmm…
“I wish when I was 15 someone I trusted told me to be more douche. Intentional or unintentional. Because alot of young women love the tension that comes with a man who doesn’t do what they want him to do.”
Not wanting a push over =/= wanting a douche
Once you understand that you will understand where you went wrong in your past. Learn how to have a healthy dating life without sacrificing your desires or being an a$$.
Adonis… Tell the truth… Can you not see how you sound similar to male haters in reverse?
+1000000000000000000
@Kema
Nope
i’m so convinced you’ve never had sex before.
hehe
he does sound like he is backed up quite a bit….
I’ve been saying this from the jump.
He is waaaaay too bitter to ever had any success with women.
Adonis,
How are ya?? Why so much ether? Sooooooooooo overthetopdotcom today. sheeesh.
It’s his way of trying to be the alpha male he isn’t. Thespians call it “overacting.”
@Juiciest Mango
I just speak clearly & honestly with no filter, and it disturbs the very souls of the self-righteous.
You have to ask these jokers what is WRONG with them
Clear you are! HONEST-debatable. What you may deem as honesty, is nothing but YOUR opine of a situation. Filteress you are! I guess, I’m one of those “self righteous souls” who was VERY disturbed, and ANGERED by your commentry today. It just reeked of bitterness. Nothing more nothing less-will not even get into an argument abourr it. Nyhoo, hope you good, AND sho hope you ain’t disturbing the peace on the other side of town.
I can’t rock with that.
I mean, I’m with you on not giving every woman what she wants. I don’t do that fairy tale princess shyte, tell her ass to go to her father for that shyte.
But I’m not with hurting people, crushing dreams, destroying hearts out of either confusion or misguided intentions. You pay for those actions. No matter when, no matter for what reason, or why it came to that reason, YOU WILL PAY FOR THOSE ACTIONS.
If people want to be dycks, let them, that’s their MO, and if it works, awesome. But we all got to pay for our mistakes, and more importantly..SOMEONE ELSE HAS TO PAY FOR THEM TOO.
Say it loud; say it proud!
@Rewind
I have never said anything about ” hurting people, crushing dreams, destroying hearts out of either confusion or misguided intentions.”
I said what I said, every single person on my thread is projecting bullsh*t. I can bring out the sickest fantasies in these ninjas. And the lack of understanding is appalling. You would think women are virtuous & I am the one screwing up, lol.
And Karma is overrrrrated. Ninja put too much stock into it
Nah karma isn’t overrated. You aint been hit with the realness yet homie, trust me on that. I know it’s cliche as hell, but life can always trump anything you think know already. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. But that’s a different discussion.
I’m not saying you don’t have truth to your logic, I’m just saying it aint full proof. You still got many different perspectives to peep and you barely begun really being in the trenches when it comes to how full of shyte people can be. It just gets worse with age, but there’s always something to take out of it.
http://cdnl.complex.com/assets/images/lists/hip-hop-gifs/15-50-Cent-SMH.gif
First of all your friend is a genius. For a second there I was going say this article is straight BULL SHIAT until I got to the We KNOW part. I agree men know what they are doing but we as women also have to learn how to see past those stupid lies. And I think men only lie like that because they know if they were up front about dating (banging) more than one woman we’d run like hell in the opposite direction. No good woman out there wants to be #2, 3, 4, 5, etc. I can understand a man’s desire to want to try on a whole bunch of shoes before making that final purchase but you guys don’t have to wear and tear all the other shoes you don’t intend on keeping….ijs.
YOU ‘GON LEARN TODAY! Msdebbs going in on dem! lol
“I can understand a man’s desire to want to try on a whole bunch of shoes before making that final purchase but you guys don’t have to wear and tear all the other shoes you don’t intend on keeping….ijs.”
Great analogy!!!
Just passing through to 404. Cuz I can.
This post is dripping with a severe lack of integrity, yet trying to explain that it’s okay because you “know” but don’t “know”. Then add a caveat at the end to wrap it all up with a nice pretty bow. That’s the problem with a lot of dudes. Not all, not most, but a lot.
Damn, a 404 drive-by?
yupppp.
Hey Liz,
While you’re here…let’s put u to work.
mind fixing tha little glitch that deletes comments when you refresh? Oh, and a like, dislike thumbs button would be a welcome addition!
No.
Hi.
*waves*
*standing ovation*
I agree with you. Thought I wasn’t tryign to wrap it up with a bow. Could be my conscience.
But you’re right. The only solution here is to do better.As men and as people. Acknowledge what’s being done and stop doign it.
Lizzzzzzzzz!!
*Miss America wave*
no one likes to think they are a bad person, or a bad guy in a relationship or situation. but sometimes, yall just are. no pretty words and feigned ignorance changes it. i know a lot of nice bad guys. and a lot of bad nice guys.
i think maybe when you’re younger, the tide is on women’s side. you’re young and hot and cast off the “unworthy” men left and right. but as people get older and careers are established and men grow taller or wallets grow bigger or wardrobe gets fresher etc, the “advantage” shifts toward men, making women accept things that they’d never when they were in college or early twenties.
sorry this was not supposed to be a reply to Liz.
but heeey. *waves* lol
so wait wait…you all do it when you’re younger and its not as big a deal. but when we’re all grown and established, then it matters that we do it? i mean i guess it aint like any damage gets done in our youth. you right.
i didn’t say it’s not as big a deal. but if i had to, i would say not because women will usually “friend zone” a man very early after meeting. it’s not oh you’re so special and all these words and actions only to decide nevermind months later.
grown, established intelligent men should know better. as people age, you’re supposed to mature. instead, they try to get women back (subconsciously or not0 for all the friend zones they were put in when they were 18.
It’s funny you say that.
Cause dudes are most easily crushed by women from ages 12-18. If any kind of fawkery happens to a dude during those ages, you can bet the next 20 years of action are based on what happened during that time. But everyone always mulls over that shyte like “oh it’s just kids being kids”. No. Nope. Never that.
Men have two factors: good or bad. That grey area in between takes years to fill in. So as young man, if it goes horribly wrong the first or second time, because there’s no special training on what to do with your retarded emotions that make you feel like a child but be expected to act as an adult…we slam shut.
Every dude on VSB probably got played as a simp at least once during the teenage years, and it might have had a HUGE significance on what their early 20s turned into. But that never mattered to ladies, because understandably, young boys are at war to get in your pants by the dozens, so you gotta swat them away like flies. Won’t matter that you might actually crush some dudes in full by doing that…it’s just what must be done to protect yourself right?
So now when it is in reverse, and we are adults, there’s more at stake huh?
We got to understand the beginning of these problems to get to the end. But that requires people to be honest…and a lot of people aren’t ready to do that.
Oh please. Grow up. High school? Really?
Cry me a fricking river. If you are still having issues over that childish shyt that is your problem. All kinds of effed up things happen to EVERYONE in high school. Grown people get OVER IT.
@SweetsAss
That is exactly what I will tell you when niggas don’t want to make you a wife.
I’m not sure how what I said was off in anyway.
For you to to be this just much of an ass-hole now, you had to be an ass-hole to begin with since your teenage years.
See…really simple.
@rewind
Women have this attitude that it is okay to treat men any ole kinda way when the scales are in their favor, but want men to give them affirmative action when the scales are in reverse, FOOH
Agreed. I never really saw it any other way.
On the FIRST day of Christmas….
Lol! Whatchu doing up this late?
Getting my hair braided…only started at 7….
Damn. You must be getting micros.
I know what that’s like. 12+hours in a chair for one bomb arse hair do.
No Breezy its Twerkmas!
Most of the time men doesn’t realise many of the things they do, they just simply do
There are some things we dont realize we’re doing…but I don’t think that’s the case most of the time.
So many words, so much rambling… all to say that you know what you’re doing, you just don’t care enough to do better.
Well damn…simple enough.
To the 40….the 30….the 20…she..will….go…all..the…way….Touchdown.
Right? I’m not sure I understood the message.
Okeydokey.
For real Aly lol but hey at least we got an admittance on their part! My ex from 5 years ago is still on some ish about how he didn’t know he still had feelings for the ex and that he really did intend on being with me but I went and broke up with him lol
What is really good with dudes doing you dirty, then acting all surprised/mad/hurt when you drop they a$$?
Ay girl I don’t know. I’m not even bothering pondering!
*lays bouquet at Aly’s feet*
Thank the rest of you for playing. We can all go home now.
yES! Sums this up in a single sentence!
This is bullsh*t…everything you just said is bullsh*t (ok, I just wanted to quote Mo Better…seemed fitting). Men’s socialization has been pretty sucky over the past few decades (women too) & I see no change in sight…yet. Look, human relationships are hard regardless of the type of relationship and if you are choosing to enter into these relationships with people, then you are accepting this fact. No, you are not going to do the right thing every time but if you keep doing the same sh*t, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! No magical person is going to come around and make you “better”…you need to make you better…but if you do not, the real question you need to ask yourself is why. None of this “I’m a good guy…I just make mistakes tryna be nice” *steady glare* Just do the hard thing…don’t make excuses and look at yourself honestly and then be better
P.S. Panama, because you’re a Gemini part of me believes that you already know all of this but sometimes it’s just fun to see what happens (I’m a Gemini too) but I could be wrong…
“Looking for the right way to do the wrong things” #Aubrey
Of couse I know all of this. But I’m a writer and an artiste.
I write sh*t and I art sh*t.
Of COURSE we are the solution to our own problems in this regard. lol.
Blame monogamy. As long as we attempt engage in this unnatural way of life, we are succeptable to the foibles of said engagement.
Monogamy is unnatural??? That’s news to me..smh No what’s unnatural is a man (or woman) going around and sleeping with several people at the same damn time. That’s how disease spread.
Come on, ms debbs. That reasoning is so tired. There are things called condoms. More than one partner does not a disease make.
you know what else is unnatural? leaving comments on an internet blog. but, we still find a way to do that too
!!!!!
wearing clothes, driving cars, not living in caves, refrigerators, twizzlers, condoms… all that ish is unnatural. i hate that argument. now they want to adhere to caveman ideology when it comes to monogamy? stop.
Didn’t you recently write an article about that?
Other animals, not just humans, engage in monogamous relationships. They experience dissolution of the relationship and move on to, you guessed it, either bachelorhood or another monogamous relationship. Animals include swans, coyotes, penguins and wolves (although wolves tend to be serial monogamists).
Isn’t the idea of not wanting to hurt someone more a rationalization. I would argue that knowing your behavior is foul and still engaging in it is intentional so you’re not really a nice guy. You want to be a nice guy and you have the ability to be a nice guy but you prefer to be a bad guy because there is some incremental benefit to stringing along a few women at a particular time. While the truth hurts it doesn’t ever hurt nearly as much as being caught in a web of intention deceit rationalized by a man who thinks he’s protecting someone.
I will agree however that some women are delusional and would still get hurt even in the face of pure truth.
fair point….in some cases u can’t win, you can tell her the truth and she’ll still find some better rationale behind it….her accountability is still in the shop getting fixed.
that could be true. perhaps the self-evals that many of us have done (this post wasn’t written as a Panama Jackson mindspill necessary…its a combo of quite a few convos I’ve had) are wrong. we are bad guys until we decide not to be.
that’s fair.
” I would argue that knowing your behavior is foul and still engaging in it is intentional so you’re not really a nice guy. ”
That’s what I was thinking too but didn’t want to just lump people into an either/or category of “good/bad”
I was JUST saying this over on my blog #nopromo. Sometimes we mean well but we are only making things worse like Alicia Keys last night. In my instance, I’m dating people casually oblivious to the fact most want more than I’m offering. By being around I’m potentially holding them back (well not really they free to do them, they just don’t) while cutting off ties completely while it seems mean is actually the smarter move. Or it isn’t…idk I’ve been winging the whole dating thing for 7-8 years now.
Yeah, this is too complicated for me. So because you can tell they probably like you, you should just cut them off cause you know you don’t like them like that? Don’t ladies do this to men ALL THE TIME and we just take it on the chin? Why is it different for ladies?
Because they’re Women. Period. Absolute Fact. No Sugarcoats or cherries on top of the ice cream cone.
Traditonal IS the Default Double Standard (Men were Defacto Leadersand In Charge while Women were Home doing what their Husband/Boyfriend Wanted) and until People actually Live for Themselves and make Decisions For Themselves they will CHOOSE what parts of Tradition works FOR THEM and what Doesn’t- the Very Thing people do now with these New Alternatives of Relationship choices
Because they can dish and not take.
fair questions.
I think this boils down to two questions. One, are you (and that’s a generic you) someone who uses people? Two, do you like wasting your own time? Pragmatically speaking, you win if you stop investing time and energy in someone that you know you don’t like. Sure, you may lose the opportunity to sleep with someone you could be at best lukewarm about, but you are then free to meet someone that you actually like.
Also, women engaging in the behavior doesn’t make it less wrong. So, perhaps it’s just best to say that, for now, you don’t want to be right?
Then what’s the point of friends? I like my female friends, but I don’t necessarily like LIKE them.
I know I’m playing the bad guy with one friend because I had to tell her I didn’t like her and now we not friends, not anything and all I do is hear from our mutual friends how I did her wrong (by telling her I didn’t like her).
Maybe this isn’t what Panama was saying, but its not all about sex and stuff. I just don’t see the problem with two people of opposite sexes (or the same sex if that’s you) hanging out and whathavenot if they both know that that’s all they’re doing. The problem comes in when one side assumes that its more or that its going to lead to more. And like I said somewhere else, is it my fault that she assumes that I like her. I know that I’m going through a lot by giving her rides to church every Sunday morning, but assuming that as a precursor for a relationship is gonna make her look like bobo da fool.
You didn’t do her wrong, she’ll get over it.
It about knowing when you are taking advantage of how they feel about you. People do certain things when they want to be with you. A woman can be friends with a guy she knows wants more. But best believe she knows when she is abusing the power she has due to the way he feels for her. Same with a man.
AfterMath, I’m not really understanding what you’re saying. Are you saying that women cut men off when the men like them but they don’t feel the same way?
Yeah, women let men talk to them on the phone, take them out on what the guy thinks are dates but finds out later that they were just “hanging out”. Maybe she doesn’t cut it off immediately like some men would, but she be out to ultimately hurt his feelings just like they say we do.
But what you just described is the total opposite of cutting someone off. That is straight up leading someone on. I wouldn’t go out to dinner with a guy knowing he sees it as a date if I don’t see it as a date either. If I’m unsure as to how he sees it, I end up doing everything in my power to make him see I don’t see this as a date (no hand holding, physical contact, I pay for my dinner even if he offers to pay for me, etc.). But what you just said isn’t cutting someone off. That woman is keeping that man around as a placeholder.
But its not that cutting off that’s the problem. That’s inevitable. Its the leading on.
Some women know they BCS ranking as well, but they like to pretend otherwise to justify they giving up the draws to the best of the worst. *sips egg nog*
To extend your metaphor, women will stay blaming the computer rankings, knowing good and well that their strength of schedule is filled with DIII squads and high school teams. Play some decent DI schools out of conference, and then we can talk!
I have no idea what any of this means.
Men can use sports lingo to explain everything and anything; Some Women understand but the Majority don’t. It’s Ok though
Lol basically most women know where they stand they act otherwise to justify being with someone they needn’t
What I meant is that women will gets with a string of dudes that they know are lame, will pretend that they’re too good for lame dudes, but will still get with more lame dudes all while protecting how “bad” they truly are despite their track record.
sounds like you’re talking about a particular woman.
LOL Aly! I was just saying that to myself
Part of getting old is realizing that not everybody’s gonna like you, and some people are gonna like you too much. Maybe I haven’t reached that “aha” moment yet, but I’ve got no problem being the good guy to most of my female friends. Some of them are cool with it and become some of my best friends. Some think I’m trying to holla and get mad. Some think I’m trying to holla and get excited. I can’t control those things. What happens as a result of me being nice (or what I think of as nice) is what happens.
Why not just make your intentions clear so there’s no confusion?
Because there are people who feel that the Basic Truth is more or less just the Basic Truth and believe it’s Something Else. Men can’t control or dictate to a Woman that it is the Honest To God Truth b/c Some (not All) will take hat and run with it no matter what
Your comments are on point most of the time but why do you capitalize random @ss words?
Honestly, I have no idea. One moment I type like this, the next I’m capitalizing every other word… I’m just being indifferent about how I type rather than saying I’m lazy or can’t type in general…
I just had a convo about this this morning due to this blog post.
I agree with you. Doesn’t change the end result. It just changes whose at fault. So basically, men should cover thier asses upfront so that its not their fault when the chick gets caught up eventually?
Real question.
Yes. If a guy tells me he only wants sex and I get caught up, then I only have myself to “blame” (not saying there’s anything wrong with getting caught up, because we’re all human – it happens. But I’m at fault if I push him for something more than he’s willing to give).
But if you lie, well, you’re just a liar lol.
I’m starting to really like u Aly.
*Adds Aly to VSS mental chex list*
i barely reply to her comments because i dont think she is real. real as in being something panama and champ didn’t create to help them take over the world.
LOL! I’m real, I promise.
Word? Well thank you very much sir.
Ali, you’re a genius. Well said.
*curtsies*
But sometimes all I want isn’t sex. I think the real problem is that I meet somebody and I have no idea how this person will fit into this complex thing I call a life. Some people are really funny, or really smart, or read the same books, or just cool peeps. In the back of my mind I may be like “I wonder how she looks naked”, but that’s (probably) not my main reason for talking to her.
okay. so after the dust settles…you’re not going to still blame the man?
real question.
I’d be hurt of course, but that’s my problem and not his fault.
@Aly And here lies the disconnect. Why are men expected to be THAT upfront? What planet dey do dat on??? What if I don’t know all it may boil down to is sex?? How do I know to begin to protect (someone I don’t even really know) your feelings and I’m not even sure where its going?
so…..if you don’t know where it’s going, then you it could be more and she’s not delusion all for thinking that. Right?
Like I said to Asiyah downthread, if you honestly don’t know where it’s going then just say so. But I think 99% of the time people have a clear idea of what they want from someone pretty early on. You’re either interested in pursuing an exclusive relationship or you’re not.
…until you find out they crazy and you’re like, she’s a cool person to sit and talk about “Pillars of the Earth” with, but I don’t want no part of a relationship with her.
So then tell her she isn’t what you are looking for.
@Asiyah – RIGHT! Some folks are making this waaay too complicated lol.
Why do we have to say anything? Cant we just let the situation take its course?
No you can’t. Just like men aren’t mind readers, neither are women. As much as people say “actions speak louder than words” a lot of times people aren’t “listening” and a lot of other times people aren’t “talking.” The conversation doesn’t always have to be had, sometimes the two parties involved do get it, but the reality is that that rarely happens. If you don’t want to be accused of leading someone on then you have to have that conversation.
Aly, if I may, while I am not a man I will say from experience that it is difficult to make ones intentions clear when one does not know what one wants in the first place. Sometimes, people get into situations not knowing exactly what they want out of it. Yes, I suppose we can be so honest we can tell the other person, “I’m confused. I’m not quite sure what I want right now. Let’s just go with the flow,” but to many that is not a satisfactory answer.
Yeah, you’re right Asiyah. But if you don’t know your intentions then just say so. And when you do, don’t keep the other person in the dark.
I totally agree with you. If a guy gave me an “I don’t know” type of answer, I wouldn’t mind because I’ve been there. I know it’s too early to determine. Unfortunately, not everyone is satisfied with such a response. It goes against that instant gratification trend people just love to follow.
Everybody- Man and Woman- wants Certainty, even they Themselves deep down Have None. If I or some Woman I meed EVER came out and said “I’m confused. I’m not quite sure what I want right now. Let’s just go with the flow”, there would be No Politeness whatsoever in a response. I would be 100% Waisting HER time and MY time, as well as be Insulting and Offended that Her/My Best isn’t Good Enough and Being Confused is what you bring to My/Her Feet at the 1st Appearance
*meet
*wasting
Nah Marshal, you wouldn’t be wasting her time. It’s true. Sometimes it’s too early to tell. If she can’t handle that type of response and considers it BS when it really isn’t, she has the option of walking out and you don’t have to worry about ever making a decision since she removed herself from the equation.
True, and I think that’s what Panama is talking about in a Man’s perspective; when We CAN walk away instead of “waiting” for a Woman to respond. Truth is we as individuals are more Responders than being Proactive and removing ourselves, and as Men we are probably 90% Responders
Not sure about you Aly, but as a man, anytime I say something, it is dissected by most women, looking for alterior motives, to the point that even if I pour my heart out to someone, they can still act like “nope nope, that can’t be it, you know you hiding something, that’s not what that means”.
After a while you’ll just play the game because you know that’s what everyone responds to.
It’s only if you serious about remaining an individual that you forgo the game altogether and stop giving a shyte about what other people think
Can we just be honest. All is fair in love and war. The reason that has been said a million times is because it is true. The problem is people forget that it is a war out there and wars have casualties. You may try to minimize them as much as possible, but you will never eliminated them completely. People will get hurt. The only way to avoid it is not to get in the fight. But ultimately we are all selfish and that is why we get into the fight in the first place. We all want to find someone. Men want what you said, but women also want something. They want a guy who will be good, kind loving make her feel special and one day be the one little people run to yelling daddy. But the problem is it is for the right one. ONE. YES ONE. Right one does not mean first one which means to get your selfish desires you have to enter into the war. Once you sign up for the war the only person responsible for you, your feelings and your survival is you. So while I am all for self analysis and what men should do, I live in th real world. In the real world I am not responsible for what you think or feel. I am responsible for trying to win the war. And so are you ladies. I short know the rules. Play hard. Play to win. And protect yourself at all times. After all it is a war. People will get hurt. But remember There Are No Victims Only Volunteers.
I cannot tell you how often I say, “there are no victims”
“All is fair in love and war.”
The problem with this analogy is that the Geneva Convention happened. All is not really fair in war (anymore). And neither is it in love. It’s about humanitarianism. Knowing that you’re actions can cause unnecessary casualties and avoiding doing those actions out of respect for the other person as a human. Not being upfront with women (and vice versa) is needlessly cruel. Why put yourself, and the other person, through all of that?
FOR REAL, PJ?!!?!?! WE LOCKIN’ N*GGAS UP NOW?!?!?!
Free me, bruh…..
NO MORE SLAVERY CHAINS!!!!! unleash the dragon!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqm_oM0Q8Dk
*starts dancing*
SISQO!!!!!!!!!!
Geneva convention only applies to Nation States. Be clear there are a lot of terrorist (commonly known as Deltas) running around out there. They are not subject to the Geneva Convention and have no desire to abide by them. Not to mention I don’t remember signing anything. Be clear there are plenty of people running around with no rules or parameters. That’s why it is called war. Wars change. Tactics change. Read The Guns of August. You can’t fight the next war like the last war. You adapt to the current surroundings and how the war is being fought. Still going to be casualties and as I said you try to minimize them but the only way to have no casualties is to not fight. Nobody wants that. So all you can do is fight to win.
Terrorist don’t care, so you can’t either.
Just because others don’t, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either. Destruction + Destruction = More Destruction. And for all that wasted energy, nobody wins.
That’s your approach to dating and relationships?
This makes me very sad. Sounds rough out there
That’s All there Is to be Said. End of Discussion
Men screw up because, well, humans screw up. Last I checked, men are people too. I was never one for playing games with women. Heck, one of the reasons I lost in the dating game in high school was that I didn’t know how to keep it 100 without being a demanding jerk.
Still, my problem wasn’t trying too hard to be nice. My problem was a fear of intimacy, and the resulting foolishness from that.
Now, I know it’s shocking, SHOCKING I say, for an ex-swinger to have intimacy issues. But even before that, I had some major issues. (Though I’m surprised I didn’t go into parties signing “A Place For Us” from the West Side Story soundtrack.
) I was notorious for only speaking to women on certain days at certain times, then getting scarce any other time. That I would only go out on dates on certain days. That I would keep my distance, and I would only ask specifically for what I wanted, and would only do certain things just for a guaranteed result. For example, if I paid for a date, I’d better get a kiss. If I paid for a really nice date, I need some head to get ahead. Oh, and if you had a position, don’t you dare lobby for a promotion. I was a McDonald’s manager, and these women weren’t going to get above fries even if they were working there 20 years. Play your position, and don’t get too close. If I wanted more, I would have paid for it in my actions or with gifts.
Of course, that left me vulnerable to the Okey Doke in hindsight. If you’re just paying women to keep their distance, they might actually do it. Also, I ended up keeping around women just like my mom, which I could just conveniently dog out for not being worth ish. Arse backwards as it sounds, I was more intimate with the jumpoffs than the women I actually dated. It’s kind of hard not to talk with a woman about their new grandchild after you just made them squirt and they just were involved in, um, kidnapping.
Then again, they were just as afraid of intimacy as I am, so I guess we had something in common. 
“my problem was a fear of intimacy and the resulting foolishness from that…..play your position and dont get too close.”
\O
guilty. i can admit to myself that was my exact relationship MO and theres still remnants of it. but i know whats best for me is the allowance of intimacy and i entertain the idea perhaps a man should be given leeway to share myself with, to give myself to someone. i treat relationships like….disposable…somethings. never even remotely invested as anything more than a good friend. assuming the worst of him. but i guess itll be different.
~ For example, if I paid for a date, I’d better get a kiss. If I paid for a really nice date, I need some head to get ahead.
i’m so glad you said this. it was always my feeling about men paying my way, like there was some kinda transaction going on and they expected me to pay them back with my body as though it could be bought for the price of an entree. #cheaptricks
Okaaaay?! What planet does that logic happen on? Chile, I wish I WOULD f*ck for a plate from Houston’s. #nothappeningbruh
I remember being bold enough to say something like this in my Women’s Studies 101 class I took for an area distribution. The professor was shocked, and now that I’m older, I kind of understand why. But hey, it’s better than letting a woman hurt me, right?
Oh, and Iceprincess, you might not hump for Houston’s, but I know you’ll hump for that deep fried Mac and Cheese they serve at Cheesecake Factory. That, and some red velvet cheesecake. *Rick Ross grunt*
Lmao!! How’d you kno cheesecake is my weakness?
lmaooo SO EASY!
TODD, your face!!! Nice avi!
Todd 1 PA -500
YAY TODD!
Thanks for all the compliments. I appreciate them.
A pic!
“Arse backwards as it sounds, I was more intimate with the jumpoffs than the women I actually dated.”
And that’s exactly why I only have “open” relationships. Can’t be intimate with people I actually like. Who the heck does that? Normal people, that’s who!
I’m working on that slowly. Not the whole “relationships with people I like” things because that would be adultery until a judge signs a divorce decree. What I mean is actually being emotionally available for people in general. Baby steps to progress.
It’s necessary as we get older. If nothing else because we got to fill in the blanks from our past to make any sense of what’s coming tomorrow.
This is really revealing. Thanks for sharing.
theres like….10 different points to address. so im just gonna wing it…
i imagine dating to be one guy to hundreds of women whom he wants to sleep with so he develops things about himself to make that possible. but i also imagine at any given time he takes a handful of women and balances them all in such a way one will stand out. thats the one he ends up in a relationship with and the rest just remain to him as old conquests. i ALSO dont believe a relationship is any more significant than just f*cking around because when the needs of any given developmental stage arent met, a break up occurs.
i would say a true relationship is one where youre a man who meets majority of my foundational needs, im a woman who meets majority of yours, we work out the kinks in our mutual (permanent) life direction. you wanna stack me against level 1-5 b*tches when im at level 16. you absolutely do not care enough to acknowledge that or how dangerously burnt out i am, d*mn near killed myself getting to and operating on such a level. you wanna stay at level 10 and neglect your duties as a man.
i have no heart for you to break so if — no no. BECAUSE you dont know what youre doing just be quiet and internalize your orientation. i do not believe men fully comprehend how substantial it is to choose one woman and to allow her and your life with her to define what is truth. and personally, i will not value a man who attempts to balance me and chooses to reject who i am is solely for the life i desire, not for the one he wants me to fit into.
this is YOUR struggle. but you cant tell a man anything when he thinks he already knows all there is to know. and they dont. men have become destructive towards me because i have SO many worries. do you even have the resources or energy to sustain a life with me, let alone a wounded me, and you think im supposed to jump in your arms because you THINK youre a swell guy.
a man intentionally hurts me because i clearly am disrespectfully doubtful; he destroys what keeps me from accepting him showing me ‘i got this.’ but he doesnt. he has HIS world. not mine. certainly not OURS. but ive never experienced a man who is not doing the most to show me he cares so i have no idea what im talking about. perhaps im breaking my own heart fearing the consequences of love. and perhaps the pain and destruction is different when he does not value a woman long term, if he ever even valued those women at all.
“a man intentionally hurts me because i clearly am disrespectfully doubtful; he destroys what keeps me from accepting him showing me ‘i got this.’ but he doesnt. he has HIS world. not mine. certainly not OURS.”
*starts clapping out of turn like a Liberal at the Presidential Debate*
You lost me at paragraph 3.
i believe i have a problem formulating emotional attachments so men who attempt being with me never have way with my heart or feelings. because of that they have to please me in other ways, logical ways: economically, financially, character and morality, belief systems. and this makes it so that he can be measured in the life i desire. the SOLE life i desire.
his orientation is learning this life yet men are just, ‘i got this! calm down.’ i worry about his ability to handle scope and magnitude, i panic, he hurts me to calm me down and destroys what fuels my doubts. its a breaking process that is a different pain from the pain of being strung along as if you are THE girl he chose for such a role.
basically, being broken in as a wife hurts too…its just different from the hurt caused by leading women to believe thats your intention when it isnt.
You will never be a wife boo. Well, maybe, after years and years of extensive therapy. No shots, just real talk.
Rude and completely unnecessary.
I think what Iceprincess is you have invested way too much into what you assume a relationship with you should entail. You just mentioned about how tragic it is that a man would not share his world with you, but rather keep his own. But when you speak of what you expect, you fail to see all you do is talk of YOUR world.
You do not speak as someone who can willingly accept a man, flaws and all as he is, despite the fact that he wants to invest in you and grow, for better or worse (that doesn’t mean marriage, that means growing pains).
The phrase “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” was always stupid, because the fawk else do you do with cake? But that is the scenario here. You don’t trust your emotions, but you’re even more upset that you don’t think others will trust yours. That’s no basis for a healthy relationship, no man can be your all if you don’t invest in being your all first.
so the f*ck what. >=(
You are so friggin spoiled. I will tickle you to death. now go!
why do you keep calling me spoiled? honestly? i genuinely have not had anything handed to me i didnt lose blood, sweat and (almost) tears earning. its offensive to the effort i make and the work i put in.
“i would say a true relationship is one where youre a man who meets majority of my foundational needs, im a woman who meets majority of yours, we work out the kinks in our mutual (permanent) life direction. you wanna stack me against level 1-5 b*tches when im at level 16. you absolutely do not care enough to acknowledge that or how dangerously burnt out i am, d*mn near killed myself getting to and operating on such a level. you wanna stay at level 10 and neglect your duties as a man.”
So, you Don’t Trust what a Guy says if his Actions aren’t up to par, BUT, he has to BELIEVE you when YOU say you’re at level 16??? Because YOU Say So???? That’s that Hypocrisy everyone is talking about.
While Relationships shouldn’t be War or like playing Chess, Poker/Texas Hold ‘Em, etc. the Reality is that It Is.
“i have no heart for you to break so if — no no. BECAUSE you dont know what youre doing just be quiet and internalize your orientation. i do not believe men fully comprehend how substantial it is to choose one woman and to allow her and your life with her to define what is truth. and personally, i will not value a man who attempts to balance me and chooses to reject who i am is solely for the life i desire, not for the one he wants me to fit into.”
Yet you doing the Exact Thing with Men that you Accuse THEM of Doing…….. -_-
“this is YOUR struggle. but you cant tell a man anything when he thinks he already knows all there is to know. and they dont. men have become destructive towards me because i have SO many worries. do you even have the resources or energy to sustain a life with me, let alone a wounded me, and you think im supposed to jump in your arms because you THINK youre a swell guy.”
But of course YOU THINK you’re at Level 16……… Right :-l
“a man intentionally hurts me because i clearly am disrespectfully doubtful; he destroys what keeps me from accepting him showing me ‘i got this.’ but he doesnt. he has HIS world. not mine. certainly not OURS. but ive never experienced a man who is not doing the most to show me he cares so i have no idea what im talking about. perhaps im breaking my own heart fearing the consequences of love. and perhaps the pain and destruction is different when he does not value a woman long term, if he ever even valued those women at all.”
What DO you bring to a relationship besides having Chilli’s list of requirements for what a Guy SHOULD have and SHOULD NOT be????
a man doesnt have to take my word for anything. if he, in his own mind, is comparing me to other women he knows im level 16. so stop pretending you dont know who youre dealing with or speaking to and concern yourself with how much energy i exhaust becoming and existing at that level. you have a point to prove so stop approaching me on some confrontational bullsh*t and get to it. disrespecting me and neglecting me does not alter the fact and reality i bring a life you may not have the resources or energy to sustain. so initially, and until you prove your capabilities, i do not trust you i do not believe you. and seeing as how YOURE the one who approached ME, i dont have anything to say for myself or anything to prove to you. im not the one who chose me. you wanna see what im working with show your worth and if you can handle it, well have something real to discuss.
you have a problem with it?
keep it moving. theres hundreds of women out there tf you gonna sit there and argue with me for.
I merely pointed out the contradictions in your comments; If YOU gotta problem with that then you’re just SOL.
It’s Very Easy for a Woman to say what all you just said because “tradition” states that a Guy has to do practically ALL the Work in Courting and Being in a Relationship and all a Woman has to do is Sit Pretty and Accept or Decline. I’ve said this many times on here and I’ll say it again: Men Aren’t EITHER Emotionless Bastards OR Simps that are “in their Feelings like a Female”; Nobody likes Rejection or Being Vulnereable, and yet MOST Women are somehow “entitled” to Not being the Pursurer or Hunter or just Don’t want to do the Approaching. I have Zero Problem with a Woman coming up to me and asking me out, wanting my #, etc. because my Manhood and Ego isn’t threatened by a Woman who KNOWS what she Wants and How she wants to Get it. It definitely doen’t make Me Weak or Less Masculine or ANY Woman who Approaches First LESS of a Woman or Desperate. GTFOHWTBS and Insecure Talk. I deal with WOMEN, not Females who act like Little Girls that can’t Figure out their Feelings past the age of 14
marshal, i dont want you talking to me anymore.
you pointed out things you didnt understand and needed clarification on. i clarified. if you need MORE clarification….
im tired of senseless debates and unnecessary personal insults. you are someone who only converses in a thinly veiled confrontational manner. im tired of it. its old. its senseless. its immature. you have no reason to address me anymore and when you feel like you do, dont.
i have nothing more to say to you. ever.
I’ve been nodding my head all the way from the post to the comments that followed. Yes, men know what they’re doing. Nobody wants to tell someone point blank that they’re not into said person. And frankly nobody wants to hear it either. So we find nicer, more moderate ways to go about it. What choice do we have? Nobody wants to be hated as well so the blunt honest truth isn’t particularly an attractive option. And yes, we like being liked. You women do too. Ya’ll invented the friend zone for crying out loud. So sometimes we stay in friendships that we should actually get out of but lets face it…our ego is happier there. You women get into those situations too! Maybe even a lot more than we do. Friend zoned ninjas can attest to that! And yes…you ladies can always tell when a ninja isn’t really into you but you ignore the signs. Fingers crossed behind your backs all hopefull….but you KNOW!!
I’m getting ahead of myself though. Lets take it back to being honest from jump. Guy meets girl and tells girl he isn’t down for anything serious and just wants get down and dirty from time to time. They discuss parameters of said liaison and its on. But…in my experience, even in that situation you some day have to have that conversation where baby girl wants to understand why you don’t want more from her than just that physical ish. At this point she gone from thinking you’d make for a good time to thinking you’d be perfect for more(marriage, babies..and long walks in the park).
In the end, you can’t win fellas. You just can’t win. It all boils down to this…. 9/10 times when a man meets a woman he’s attracted to, he also wants to sample her goods. Not to fall in love and live the picket fence life. He may or may not actually do it…but he’d like to. Its the natural order of things.
But… a woman who gives up her goods is usually hoping that something more will come of it. She’s thinking at some point he’ll see there’s more to her and want more just like she does. Even if she isn’t thinking that initially, if the pipe work is on point then she will.
Personally, i think women need to be more assertive about what they want when they step up to play this game. You want a man a real relationship? Then be about it. Don’t make compromises. Don’t give it up until a man has made it clear to you what page he is on. If he’s unsure….don’t assume that when he eventually gets clarity, its you he’ll be seeing bathed in sunlight while stars shine in his eyes… We men get told to man up all the time…Ya’ll need to woman up too and stop playing victim!
We all need to try harder to act out honesty than just talk about it. Men and women alike. The playing field is even. We’re just playing for different prizes mostly…
~ Don’t make compromises.
this is everything. and it goes against so much of the socializing women have experienced from day one. i only recently got this lesson, and for me it means, get used to walking away from just about everything and everyone.
the other day i was speaking with a female college student about women in the workplace and i got on this whole, “it’s a man’s world and that’s how the game is played.”
only now, reading your words, i get how this applies to life across the board. we as women have intuition for a reason. we know exactly when the first red flag drops and we know exactly what lie we tell ourselves.
i need to unlearn so much social conditioning that has taught me to go against the power of my Nature by kow-towing to the very ideologies that keep me trapped in a losing game.
the game has a rule book for all to see, but all who see it can’t read.
I should probably just erase my post and replace it with this.
Man, that was on point…
“Friend zoned ninjas can attest to that!”
I got e-Friendzoned by practically every woman on VSB last Friday lol. That has got to be some kind of achievement or something.
Excellent comment. I wish i had seen this before my own.
Answers a lot.
realtalk.com
“But…in my experience, even in that situation you some day have to have that conversation where baby girl wants to understand why you don’t want more from her than just that physical ish. At this point she gone from thinking you’d make for a good time to thinking you’d be perfect for more(marriage, babies..and long walks in the park).”
I’m sorry if my tone comes across as aggressive, condescending, and bitter, but sometimes, it’s not about the guy. Sometimes, “baby girl” wants to understand why you don’t want more from her not because she wants more from you, but because she wants to know if there is anything she is doing wrong that prevents not just you but OTHER MEN from wanting her the way she wants to be wanted. It really isn’t always about the guy she’s asking that question to. Contrary to popular belief, a lot of women want to engage in self-reflection, self-actualization, growth, and change, but it is very difficult to do so when people continue to circumvent the truth or continue to pretend either a) the woman has no flaws or b) the woman’s flaws are what make her “charming.” We know a and b are total BS. Sorry if I came off as rude.
@Asiyah….
I hear you… Perhaps a lady is just trying to understand what about her makes her insufficient for said dude…I get that.
But…. do you really want to get that kind of perspective from a guy that only knows as much about you as was needed for him to make peace with only shagging you?
It also seems to me that women are never satisfied with a man’s explanation for why she isn’t quite what he is looking for.
Dude can’t always put a finger on the reason and sometimes it isn’t even something particularly earth shattering.. Maybe dude is not over his ex, maybe he doesn’t like the fact that you smoke, maybe he doesn’t even understand or agree with who you are or what you’re about. Please do not under estimate the capacity of a man to be turned on by the female form even as we get repulsed by certain aspects/traits of said woman.
Maybe..its not about you either…maybe i’m just effed up right now and can’t be in a relationship with anybody! Bottom line is there are a hundred and one reasons that are possible…90% of them my own and unlikely to be satisfactory reasons to you. Maybe even having little to do with you. We’re all on a self realization journey… As a man, I’m on mine too!
I don’t know if you meant Settle instead of Compromise because like the U.S. Government right now, Not Compromising is why the Economy is crap, why there is Division and No Equality, period. If Nobody compromises for the person they like, attracted to, or Truly Love then Nobody would be in Real, Long-Term Relationships that resemble or become Marriage and/or creating Families. I have TONS of things I Want in a Woman, but I Know that there isn’t a Woman Alive or even Deceased that “has” Everything I Expect, just like I don’t have Every Quality for Any Woman walking God’s Green Earth.
Relationships are Work and Sacrifice for the Person you Care About, not some Stalemate where whoever blinks first loses and the winner claims the spoils.
By compromise i meant that a woman shouldn’t accept anything less with regard to the proposed nature of the relationship. Don’t agree to be a B.U.D.D.Y unless that’s what the good lady wants. The rest of it definitely requires compromise… there are no perfect people.
See this is where I’m starting to think I’m just different. Pipe game on point releases oxytocin (bonding hormone). Females release more of this after sex which is why she will start falling for you. Biology tells her to.
And then there’s me. Had a friend who put that shyt down soooooo good and all I wanted him for after that was more sex. Nothing more, just that.
This brings me back to something I heard a while ago– “I present myself suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you.”
Too many times women assume he will change, he’ll fall in love once he gets to know her or whatnot. Not true. In the first 5 minutes after meeting, both of us know whether we want to fcuk, be friends or see if there’s really something more there. Things can change but often don’t. If he’s what you want completely at the beginning, don’t go there. Most people are at their best up front (maybe not honest about things but at least present a good front). Take them at their word.
**warning. this comment includes generalizations**
I think the problem is that full disclosure limits the man’s opportunities. Women really do want to know what they are getting themselves into when it comes to whether the person their seeing is seeing other people, but with that knowledge, some women will opt out of the situation, place boundaries on the situation, or turn their attention elsewhere. If the man can keep the woman in the dark, they get full benefits while they decide between her and the others, once everything is out in the open, usually those benefits are only given after he’s decided that she’s the one. I do believe that sex does help a man determine whether they want exclusivity with a woman, whereas women are more likely to require some type of exclusivity or commitment before sex. Even if we (women) are dating multiple people, we are still sexually monogamous.
That last line..not true.
Almost every girl I’ve known has dated multiple men at once, and was fawking either all of them or most of them. Only when feelings got hurt or their lives were in disary did the whole “I need to save it for the right time” issue come up.
I know some of you ladies have tried to play the straight and narrow, but got hurt anyway, but plenty of other women were in the trenches, just like the men we are talking about, doing dirt and smiling like there was nothing wrong with it.
i’m honest when i meet men and tell them (way back when) that i am seeing other people and will sleep with whomever i please whenever i please… this resulted in 3 things each and every time
1) dude walks away claiming im a harlot & the dudes i am with are punks/simps/wimps/fags/etc 60%
2) dude is intrigued and wonders what it is to get more than one man to talk to me & hopefully get some f-m-f action popping off so we date 10%
3) dude is honest and says i didn’t want exclusive anyway, let’s do this!!! 30%
this isn’t the trenches this is the skybox baby… i sleep like a cat in the sun, don’t have a lock on my cellphone, very rarely lie and smile whole heartedly throughout the day
Yea but Yolie sweety, that’s you and you know your direct reasons for going about it that way.But as someone who has dated females, even you know how full of shyte some chicks can be about the obvious truth, in the same way that dudes can.
“I’m not a bad buy, but I’ve definitely made some bad guy moves.”
My immediate reaction to this statement- bullsh*t. It bears repeating: if you do bad guy moves, you’re a bad guy- at least temporarily. Why nobody don’t wanna be bad no more? Cuz Michael dead? The only thing that makes you the bad guy is your behavior so just accept it.
yes. action is character.
Exactly WIP, it’s very disingenuous and annoying. If you’re a bad guy, own it. Stop pretending that you really, truly are a nice guy, you just can’t help but do bad things. It’s all bullsh!t.
“Stop pretending that you really, truly are a nice guy, you just can’t help but do bad things. It’s all bullsh!t.”
But that’s not what PJ was saying. I don’t think . I think he was saying that he is a good person, who’s done some bad things. Let’s face it. NO ONE is 100% good, or 100% bad. We all have our good and bad qualities. What defines us good or bad people, is the qualities we genuinely exhibit most of. Now, does this mean we are exempt from doing bad things? No. We’re human. We err. Being generally “good” doesn’t mean you can’t do bad.
Unless you do something so heinous that it makes you a bad person despite your good qualities outweighing the bad, like buttholin’ little kids for example (I’m looking at you, Sandusky), then overall do bad things doesn’t automatically make you a bad person.
Hmmm, Idk about that. I think “good” and “bad” personage is fluid. You can be a “good person” or a “bad person” at any time depending on your actions. When someone commits a heinous crime there’s always friends and family in interviews saying “he was such a good person”…
“When someone commits a heinous crime there’s always friends and family in interviews saying “he was such a good personâ€
Because, overall, on a daily basis, he probably was. He just did a bad thing. Depending on the crime you’re talking about, the few bad things he’s done shouldn’t outweigh how he acts on the regular. Which is good. Not to mention there are other dynamics involved when friends and family of a criminal say this.
The reason I say this is because everyone has made mistakes/decisions we’re not to happy about. But that doesn’t mean we should let that be the totality of who are. Especially if what we did is opposite of our character.
Now, THIS!!!!!!!!!
*shakes the tambourine*, catches the Spirit, and falls down, BOOM!*
lol. okay.
btw the Michael Jackson line, kilt me dead.
why? b/c i’m bad. you right. or was.
Thank you! If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck… then why must we call it a chicken? Just so someone can retain a label that does not apply?
Who’s bad?…
You doing wrong. You doing wrong. Gonna lock you up. Before too long. You doin wrong. You doin wrrrrooonnnggg….
WIP HAS SPOKEN!
Do women want something like Unbreak My Heart to happen? Cuz I don’t think that’s reasonable. Life is not fair. People are gonna do what they *think* is right based past actions and we know how that can turn out. We just need to be aware and not live in the clouds.
Oooh shyt.
Good one.
Excuse me?… *lights blunt*
I’ll break this down real simple formula…
You see women as an assortment of dyck placeholders or baby bun ovens.
+
Women don’t see themselves this way. They want R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
=
Friction.
Always will be. Forever and ever.
Until you regard women you deal with as PEOPLE with emotions and lives and *importance* just like you…People, who you can walk a mile in their moccasins, nothing will change.
And sorry… if you lie, you are a liar. If you do bad things repeatedly and without remorse… guess what? You are a bad person.
The opposite of love isn’t hate. It is indifference. (Paraphrasing Elie Wiesel.)
You mentioned ‘not caring about’ or ‘pretending to care’ several times. And only used the world love once.
You got issues, man.
There has been a point in my life when I’d have agreed with you that I did have issues. Well we all have issues. But in this regard.
But I’ve never not regarded women as people. Get your facts right. That’s never been my style.
Maybe we are all liars (ALL of us) in your view, but we are not all victims.
Don’t make a post saying you ‘care so much’ when those are crocodile tears you’re shedding.
If you compartmentalize women… you objectify them. You have your little box of ‘home girls’… your little box of ‘female relatives’… your little box of ‘potential wifeys’… and your largest box of ‘women you don’t care about.’
Why not leave those last box of women alone? Really.
Give them the respect of telling them you don’t care about them… and giving them the option of leaving after getting correct info. Anything else is selfish egotism. Own up to it.
You are not remorseful. If you were remorseful you would stop doing what causes you to feel remorse. So you must be lyin’ on all of us here now in this blog.
ok.
Once again pro-female propaganda.
Humans are either male or female. If a woman says men don’t treat them like humans, and they aren’t, they’re basically saying they want to be treated like males treat each other.
1. Do you have to buy drinks in order to talk to another male if you want something from him?
2. Do you have to walk on eggshells and not say particular words like “b*tch” when you hang out with other males?
3. Do men have to pull out chairs for other men to sit down in order to show that they are good men?
4. Do men have a list of things that they expect from other men in order to interact with them favorably?
This is why I keep calling what you say propaganda. It’s nonsense. If men don’t see you as humans, because they see you and they want to have sex with you first, then what do they see you as? If you’re not human in their eyes what are you? What “objective” thing are you?
Fleshlight? lol
I don’t expect anyone to buy my drinks. I can pull out my own chairs. Whoever gets to the elevator first or door first can open it… showing GOOD MANNERS.
Jesus.
That stuff is STOOPIT.
All I am saying is… don’t be treating someone in some kinda way… that if you switched bodies/souls you would not want to be treated like yourself.
End… FINITO.
That is all that ever needs to be said.
Give people honest information… it might sting… but it is much better than a bigger betrayal down the road.
Your argument is dumb.
So you’re suggesting that I wouldn’t want a girl treating me like the only good thing I was to her was my d*ck, and that’s all she wanted from me…lol perfect example of not acknowledging men’s perspective smh.
As for the whole lying thing and not, I am all for that. But I don’t think lying in relationships for men or women comes from different areas. People are lying because they want to get their way. Men lie more, because women make it harder for them to get their way with them, than men do for women. Should you lie, no. But you shouldn’t lie primarily for moral reasons, not because a woman deserves to know the truth. If you lie all the time, I don’t think it’s rational to expect that’s going to change because a woman is standing in front of you, and vice versa.
Let’s flip it around:
Do you deserve the truth?
No one deserves the truth, we want the truth. .
Now take your own information and spin it backwards.
Cause you don’t seem to uphold your opinion of men in the same light. Or maybe I’m reading it wrong.
If I combined all your posts from the last few months, with the way you talk about men, the nicest way to describe us from your words would be “less than”. As in less than human. Because it never feels like you’re talking about men, as opposed to talking about filth.
Again, I could be wrong. But my point is, there has never been a human being, unless they were isolated or had a personality that never allowed them to be an aggressor, that hasn’t hurt someone while trying to save their own ass. It just hasn’t happened. Even you had to do it ONCE.
Some come now.
It’s called the GOLDEN RULE. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Do dirt, you are dirt.
And no, not all “men” do this. I know several who are in healthy and loving relationships. BUT quite a few who frequent this blog are in a state of arrested development, immaturity, selfishness, and lack of responsibility.
I take responsibility for myself. I buy my own drinks. I change my own oil. Hold doors for people of all ages, races, and genders because it is POLITE and GOOD MANNERS. I don’t keep men around as friends if they want more. I tell them to their faces… “I have no romantic feelings for you.” Delete their numbers and move on with life.
So all this ‘friendzone’ blah blah blah does not apply to me.
Go cry about that mess to someone else.
Sass,
I’ve neva personally had a problem wit u. I understand you have standards and convictions, kool..we all do. But why do u go hard in tha paint ALL THA TIME? I’m starting to really believe you’re mad at the world for being born a woman.
Are you sure the handle “sweet sass” is really appropriate for u? I’m thinking “Man eater”
You must not read most of my light, pithy replies. I don’t “go hard in the paint” all the time.
So if the BS that some women do isn’t something that you yourself do, why do you care? You seem to care a LOT for something that isn’t about you. What difference does it make.
Your reply strays from what I’m asking of you.
I get a jist of what your life is like, what you’re willing to accept, why you feel that way, etc.
But you fail to take heed to the idea that maybe you are just not able to relate to ills & pitfalls most people fall into because your experiences trump everyone elses. And somehow that has jaded you. It might be cool to say “bottom line, yall suck, I don’t” but real talk…that’s not the whole story.
I’m awesome. Maybe ya’ll do suck? Just throwing it out there?
Rewind, all we have to do is go back to yesterday, where she regarded her father as “normal”. To wit, based on her own account, this was someone who survived beatings, torture and death threats in their home country, got it together enough to move thousands of miles away and had enough skill and/or hard work to somehow afford a million dollar home and put 2 daughters through college. I’m sorry, but there are a lot of dudes that the vast majority of women would consider quality that would fail to measure up to that standard. And the second they screw up, well, it’s obvious that you’re less than human, since a real human can make crazy bank despite the trauma of torture, right?
Sorry if my standards are too high for you.
My dad is a decent, normal man to me. He golfs, goes to work as an engineer… now has been a project manager at the same company… goes to church. Supports family. Etc. All perfectly attainable things.
I am striving for that life myself. I’ve done my due in higher education, working hard… going to grad school… pursing law. That is my ‘bar’ in life. That is the baseline of achievement I expect for myself.
Don’t trip over yourself. You’re backpedaling too fast.
Being a legal student, I’m sure you understand the concepts of implication and connotation. What you said is a dramatic diversion from your own prior statements when you read what those statements imply. I find it interesting that once presented with your own words, you decided to back off. Perhaps you understand the complete meaning of your words, but still want to save face.
I’ll close by saying this. 3 years ago, I probably would have met your presently stated standards. Then life happened. Hardcore. Post-partum depression, a string of mental breakdowns that run into double figures, several institutionalizations and a severe denial of the depths of issues changed that. Throw in the fact that dealing with all of these issues made it difficult as fvck to hold a job, thus making me face up to a lot of demons and reducing my income dramatically. Ironically, if it weren’t for disability bread and a credit card with a large limit, I probably would be typing this from a library somewhere.
Don’t judge people by where they are. You could be there, but only by the Grace of God. But of course, I should man up, right?
I’m not backtracking at all. I said before… to me, my dad is the normal baseline of what a man should do/be. He has his flaws. But overall he is hardworking, honest, and values commitment to people and things.
I hold myself to the same standards he does. I get shit done.
I’d rather be single than deal with someone who is not on my level. Because taking in with some fool or lazy person is a recipe for disaster.
And if I can never find someone one my level… so be it.
“I’d rather be single than deal with someone who is not on my level. Because taking in with some fool or lazy person is a recipe for disaster.
And if I can never find someone one my level… so be it.”
LIKE!
Sweet Sass, continue to do you! I appreciate your voice on this blog.
See I got to roll with Todd on this.
His point is, you were born into a legacy of excellence, but you don’t recognize it as excellence, you recognize it as base line normal. Then you compare what you know to what other people know and deem them unworthy. Ergo, you are on a totally different plateau than everyone else, yet you keep saying that’s not true. But it is.
And don’t argue with me on this. I’ve spent most of my life being intelligent and half dead, yet everytime I tried to compare myself to other people, I could never understand why I was so much more advanced than them. Then a few years ago, I figured it out…oh shyte, I grew up with too many adult problems, matured too fast, had health problems that never allowed me to enjoy my childhood so I adapted to protect myself, and that’s why 70 years old instead of 29 like my birth certificate says.
You are you and you can describe yourself how ever you want, but most of humanity cannnot fit into the tiny bubble you’ve regulated as your world and what’s normal in it. So to say as an adult you got it all figured out…that ends up being the biggest lie you ever sold.
Why don’t you wife up one of those hood rats that works with you?
I mean… why are you so ELITIST? haha. Shoe… meet other foot!
Living in the projects does not necessarily mean someone’s a hoodrat. That you think this says a lot more about you than it does about him. And yes, if you peep my rap sheet, I’ve dealt with women in the projects before. There are actual people who have decent values there.
I’m just referencing his previous comments about all the hoodrats he comes across.
Cause I’m talking about broke ass jerks who have kids, stay at home all day, curse everyone on Earth for their problems, but when given help to solve them, they refuse and sya its your fault. I never said all women in the projects were hoodrats, and you wouldn’t find that in any of my font on VSB. Facts my dear, FACTS.
I typed all that shyte…and that was the best you could come up with?
How the fawk are you not on Broadway with the way you tap dance that ass around a direct question?
sounds like you’re sipping on some Gatorade. just saying….
haterade, lol
Can you for once get SweetSass’ tit out your mouth and let this lady fight her own battles??? This whole Rescue Ranger thing is getting old very fast- kinda like You
You still don’t have a life?
You must not either if you following your Master SweetSass around like a hopeless puppy and taking dumps in the form of dumbass comments
(Delurking again for the 2nd time in a week. #swag)
PJ, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this post. This is what I’m going through RIGHT NOW and I’m glad you justified everything I’ve been thinking. My guy (assuming he is MINE, which I dont anymore) is a good guy, a nice guy, albeit a stupid one. He just doesnt get that the stuff he does hurts, intentionally or not. Number one way he hurts me? Time + attention – (time spent with me) = anger.
By trying to ensure everyone likes him and hes cool with all his friends, he alienates the one person who genuinely doesnt want anything but to care for him…me =[
Yeah, he might not mean it (doesnt make it okay) but he’s hurting you. And that isn’t right.
the thing about pain is that you allow it or you don’t. i used to have an extraordinary threshold for other people’s displaced anger. now, they ghost.
the ones i’ve loved, it hurts to let go but it hurts a whole lot worse to stay. actions have consequences. you have as much power as you allow yourself.
Yea…this whole post is true. I’m a good guy trying to remain a good guy full of bad guy thoughts with bad guy actions fueled by good guy motivations.
I’ve tried many times to be the nice guy to a girl and when I get her in my web, it’s not just her, but many others at the same time (except for my current relationship). I never think much of it, as 95% of them never pan out, but because I show everybody individual attention, even though it means nothing to me, it makes them all feel special. By doing so, I never realized I created numerous traps. So one by one, either they would trail off or have hurt feelings. My justification was that I wasn’t the only guy they talked to, this is the nature of the beast, get a grip.
In the end though, it was always a cop-out. I’ve learned over time, if you try to prevent a bad situation by taking actions motivated by panic, you still create the bad situation, but now in a different manner. That’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy (look it up, psychology heads). I realize now more than ever, though I may be a good guy in true form, I NEED TO BE A BAD GUY in order to keep the good guy intact and not screw people over in the process.
And for all the women who might be chastising men for the bad decisions, just take notice of what I’m about to say, because I’m sure you’ve all had the same feeling; when you know you’re not doing anything special for someone but it comes off that way to them, you keep trying to make decisions that keep them there. But the more you make, the more you realize it doesn’t make sense, but only care when they give you a problem. At that point, it feels like you’re drowning, because there’s a flood of bad decisions, and the only right one is a life vest in front of a shark. Nobody ever wants to get bitten, so you keep drowning until it is too late.
We’ve all been there. It is right. It’s not good. But it is unfortunately how we learn.
I heard a Joe Budden line last night, and I think it works here.
“Thought she’d fawk me good/but karma fawked me better”
“but because I show everybody individual attention, even though it means nothing to me, it makes them all feel special.”
I’m actually guilty of this, but not in terms of love. I’m actually guilty of this a lot of times with “friends.” There are people I don’t really consider to be real friends. I don’t say things that lead them to think I feel they are so special to me, but I do provide them with a certain level of attention that may be misinterpreted as them being more special to me than they really are. Truth is that whatever I do for them is effortless to me and not a big deal. I am not doing it because I consider you to be a great friend to me. I am doing it because it just comes natural to me. When I started noticing this habit I took a step back and was a bit more understanding towards others. Do I justify my behavior or the behavior of men and women who do this? No, but it allows me to check my intentions and keep my intentions in check in order to avoid unnecessary friction.
I have the same problem and slowly but surely, I’m seeing that I AM THE PROBLEM. I keep comparing my intentions and beliefs with others and forgetting the two don’t exist that way. I am me, and they are them. What works for me doesn’t work for them. If I want people who feel the same way I do, I have to find them, compare them, verify the truth, and then I’ll be set. Until then, I’m dealing with different calibers of people, so I can’t expect them to do things the way I do things.
It’s hard, but it’s life.
love this ~*~
I agree.
To be fair, I realize how this post could be taken as a justification. And it wasn’t intended to be. But it easily could be. See, we do the sh*t even when we’re not looking.
I realize that hurting anybody is bad. Period. And it should be avoided at all costs. Period. Being straight up and honest is the best way to avoide the MOST pain at the end of the day. Most of us who have done bad just need to do better. I agree with that. Growth is real. It does happen. It helps that many of us do know what wrong is being done. We do realize these things. The next step is to proactively do what can be done to fix it…genuinely. I’m with y’all.
Unfortunately like was stated, somebody’s going to get hurt. It’s just the natural order of things. And there’s nothing that can be done about that unfortunately. I’ve read numerous times, “if you dont want to hurt people, then don’t hurt people.” yeah, that might be one of the most unreasonable charges on the planet. You can attempt to mitigate the circumstances, but emotions and feelings are dependent on so much. It’s why I said that sometimes you have to let people hate you and why that makes so much sense.
The only recourse everybody should follow is to “treat people like you want to be treated.” Agreed. And provide folks with full information.
That ALSO goes out to the friendzoners out there who charge that sh*t to the game.
Cuz if the friendzone gets charged to the game, then so does the rest of this.
It did read to me as justification. i.e. i’m not a bad guy, i just did bad guy things, but I did them for good reasons. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had conversations with male friends and exes who start the convo off with “I’m not a bad guy” then go on to list a bunch of bad guy behaviors they engaged in. I don’t care why you did it. If you do bad guy things to me, you’re a bad guy. Just own it.
I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. It’s not about avoiding hurting a person. You have no power over how she feels. It’s about giving them the dignity and respect of truth. So they can have autonomy over their own life. Not you deciding what’s best for them while you use them for your benefit. That’s a conflict of interest. When you lie and mislead people, you’re trying to be the boss of their life.
Everybody doesn’t react the same to the truth. How they feel belongs to them. What if they know the truth and are doing the same thing you are? Would you be as attracted if they didn’t make you the one and only hope? Do you really want them to have as much power to decide as you? Or do you want all the facts and information for yourself. Then call yourself a benevolent king.
+1
+2
duly noted.
I’m going to call B.S. on the idea that you just need to be honest up front. I did that back in the day and I was labelled a jerk or shady, which is ironic because I was trying to be as honest as possible. Some girls did respect it though. But just becasue you understand something doesn’t mean your heart plays along so feelings still develop. It probably didn’t hurt any less because I was upfont about where I was and it didn’t make me feel any better to know I was hurting someone.
But at the end of the day I guess the only thing you can do is have respect enough for people to treat them like adults and let them make their own informed decisions.
“I did that back in the day and I was labelled a jerk or shady”
-Maybe the people that labelled you were just being honest as well. *shrug*
Na. Selfish, maybe. It could be argued that I was upfront with them because it made me feel better about not lying (and I really didn’t think anyone in undergrad should be pretending to be exclusive unless you really found the one). But being upfront isn’t shady.
Hold up!!! You talkin bout undergrad?… oh please Meech get over it! Ugh.
And actually you can be shady and honest about said shadyness. An example, your dating two chicks telling them both about each other but making them both think you like them more then the other… shady.
thank you for saying this.
because being upfront and honest and saying “yes i’m sleeping with multiple women, yes, i’m reeeally want to sleep with you as well, and no i’m not going to commit to you” when the woman wants the exact opposite (because usu men wait until having “he talk” or some form of feelings is shown on her side to merit having a conversation about it) is not being a good guy. it’s being honest, which is to be respected, but it doesn’t make someone a good guy.
“(because usually men wait until having “he talk†or some form of feelings is shown on her side to merit having a conversation about it)”
But see this is different from what others (well, at myself) are saying. We’re saying to be upfront right from the get go, and not waiting for sh*t like this to transpire. Be upfront with your intentions from Day 1, and let the other person decide whether or not they want to stay.
well at least* myself
Yeah, I was upfront, emphasis on front. And you’re right, it doesn’t necessarily make you a good guy, just a l little less deceptive. You shouldn’t use it as an excuse to disregard someone else’s feelings. At the same time, not wanting to be in a commited relationship doesn’t make you a bad guy either. Not sure abybody wants to hear that.
“And you’re right, it doesn’t necessarily make you a good guy,”
I’m saying it DOES, though. Because from Day 1, you let it be known you’re not looking for anything serious, when you could’ve just shut your mouth and fed them lies in order to keep them around.
“You shouldn’t use it as an excuse to disregard someone else’s feelings.”
But how is being upfront with someone, from the very beginning, from the moment you first talked to them, disregarding their feelings? If anything, you’re taking their feelings into account. Enough to the point where you set yourself up for rejection by being truthful with them.
Yeah, that wasn’t even aimed at you. I meant to reply to Muze. But you can still tell someone what you’re looking for, they aren’t on the same page but still kick it, and you be reckless and inconsiderate.
“At the same time, not wanting to be in a commited relationship doesn’t make you a bad guy either. Not sure abybody wants to hear that.”
And this is it for me right here. I think a lot of times this is the message, and it’s unhealthy.
good point. for me, i feel honest is good enough. but does it make you a bad guy?
“I did that back in the day and I was labelled a jerk or shady, which is ironic because I was trying to be as honest as possible.”
Happens to me A LOT. I’m so tired of being a B just because I’m not a liar. So then I say eff that I’m going to not be so honest I end up losing anyway. *sigh*
style is everything. to speak honestly without offending is a skill, practiced and honed throughout your life. it’s possible to achieve if you decide this is who you are.
i’ve been saying that on this very blog for YEARS, YEARS… honesty doesn’t have to be brutal… it just has to be truthful…
I’m not brutally honest, but even an ounce of the truth sprinkled with pretty sprinkles and sugar is perceived by some (VERY insecure people, even moreso than me) as nasty. I do agree with you, though. A lot of times it is in the style.
mm then i ask, with all due respect, why keep company that you feel the need to call out ?
i understand people are often blind to many things about their lives, and we would like to help, but i’ve chosen to steer clear of people who drop red flags like rose petals, all too casually ..
Actually, I agree with you! That’s why I’ve been cutting a lot of people loose.
If you are honest and someone lashes out… well… that says more about them. You don’t stop being honest.
If a guy hollas who I’m not into… I say… “pass” he turns around and calls me a ‘bitch’ or ‘you ain’t cute anyway.’ Well, that is a fact of life I gotta deal with. I’m not going to just start dating guys just to spare their feelings in the beginning.
Oh yeah, this is so true and reminds me of a time when i tried to be upfront and somebody was all like “you act like I’m all into you or something”. I wanted to be like “uum, you were”, but yeah, who’s to say that me telling her is going to change anything?
Ha! This sounds like the typical retort of rejected men on the street. “You was ugly anyway, b1tch!”
I would never say “you act like I’m all into you or something” to a guy (even if that’s true) out of fear that he will think the total opposite, but trust me, I’ve been tempted to say that when all I do on a date is say “so what do you do?” and he says, “oh…I see you’re getting excited about this…I hope you know that I’m not looking for a relationship.” That’s a head scratcher right there. Didn’t know asking what a guy does is proof I want to marry him LOL. “Ok” is the best response!
All jokes aside, I say this with the least pandering as possible. After a certain age we as men need to put certain behaviors behind us. Really, how much new azz does a man really need? A boy can satisfy a bunch of women for an hour at a time; maybe. A real man can satisfy one woman, all day, every day, for the rest of his life. A real man will love her even when she’s not lovable.
*swoon*
comment of the day!
And saying sh*t like that, you wonder why I’m the lil sister on your list…
*sighs and shakes head*
Like he said though..growth.
Some of us still got that little boy in us, running wild, but keep him locked up until we lose the key. We all get the memo at different times but it’s a hope that it works in the end.
LAWD!! GLOOOOORY. I just thank Baba Jesus for you.
10 inches! LOVE IT!
Blackgirlsareeasy.com has an article about this right HERE.
love that site!
Shit is f*cked up.
That is all.
Seriously though, as a couple people stated upthread, I do wonder if people getting hurt is just collateral damage. I know that’s not the kindest thing to say, but if sex/feelings/emotions are involved, people are going to be left sore whether everyone is 100% honest or not. Not everyone you like is going to like you, and you’re not going to like everyone who likes you. Unless you marry the first person you date, not sure if there’s any way to get around that
True. But the point is how much collateral damage can you cause just being you’re being ignorant of your actions. Cause sometimes not paying attentions, you might just hurt someone’s feelings. Other times, you might ruin someone’s life. Big difference.
As I’ve said to one of my exceedingly nice-guy friends, being “nice” is one of the nastiest things you can do. People pretend they are sparing someone else’s feelings when they’re protecting their own. They don’t want to be seen as anything other than nice. They don’t want to be associated with any such unpleasantness so, in turn, they lie, avoid, evade and pretty much throw people under the bus. Saying “Hey, I’m seeing someone” is a courtesy and kindness that allows the woman or whoever to turn their attention elsewhere. Not doing so prolongs something that isn’t going anywhere and partakes in the cardinal sin of wasting time.
In all honesty, some folks don’t want to cut off all their options and minimally maintain communication “just in case”. That is why some of have to be ruthless in the dating game. No one else will be. If it seems even slightly off then it’s off and I’m out. If it doesn’t work, I’ll tell you, with love of course. It takes love and courage to tell the truth. Shame the devil y’all and get over yourselves.
[quote] It takes love and courage to tell the truth. Shame the devil y’all and get over yourselves. [/quote]
Yes!
More of the nice guy blues. Sometimes I wonder if I should pray for God to turn me into an a$$hole.
Being nice isn’t the problem. Being slimy coward is. Being nice is for you because you’re afraid to be alone. Being honest is the greatest gift you can give yourself and others.
Yes, truth without love is brutality.
Panama is better than me.
I had been “done bad” by a woman and chalked it up to the game. I “took the lesson” and applied it how I approached. I was being a bad guy, I knew it and enjoyed it. There were ways I rationalized it but as I got older I had to look at myself. I’ve done some things that haunt me and I am now not proud of. That was a long time ago….a good relationship with a good person helped me in my early 20s.
I’m looking for help primarily from the ladies here because I am past this stage. I think my answer might be somewhere between what the 10inch and Libre commenters said:
What if you are up front? Blunt even, about your intentions. Early, way before sex enters the equation? What if for better or worse you lead like this:
“I’m feeling you. I think you might be feeling me a little bit too because you spend your valuable time with me. I enjoy our time together. I am very attracted to you and I want to continue learning you. But marriage is neither my short term or longterm relationship goal. In fact, I’m not sure if an exclusive relationship is what I want. So, I guess I have to say I am not dating with a destination. I want to keep my options open. I am dating because I enjoy the pleasures and good feelings I get from being single and dating and meeting various women. I am enjoying the pleasures and good feeling I am getting from you and I would like for it to continue. I can seriously see myself not getting married, ever. But if marriage – to anyone – is a destination you seek then we probably should not go much further.
Date: “I mean, marriage is something I want one day….I mean, who wants to remain alone all their lives….but right now I’m just in this and it feels good and Im feeling this and marriage is not what I am thinking about right now.”
And so as a man, you keep going. You treat her well. You introduce her to the things that matter to your personhood….you trust her when you are armor-less. By treat her well I mean like her humanity matters and is worth love, not because she is special (I’m not), not because you feel this is “the one” but because she is someone sharing her body and humanity with you and you are doing the same. And you heat check…. to see if she is still cool with the thing we have. She says yes but something tells you she wants more.
Is it my job to keep heat checking?
Am I doing to much? Is it possible (fair) to treat someone like I described and not expect them to at some point want more?
Is she responsible for knowing when it is getting “too deep” for her and bailing?
If I decide that I no longer want to see this woman because I am ready to move on do I owe here anything but making her aware that I want to move on.
I am asking genuine questions and I don’t mind blunt answers, trying to be a better person I prefer them. I just ask you please not call me a b!tch. It’s a peeve.
I feel like you don’t owe here anything brah… You were upfront with your intentions and set the standard. As a woman, she should have set the standard as well and said something like “I understand where you’re coming from and that’s all good, but I’m not having sex with you or anyone else until I get the commitment I’m looking for. If you’re fine with that, then we can continue to date and enjoy each other.”
Now, you both understand what the standard is and you can either choose to accept or decline. Either way, whoever decides to walk can’t blame the other…
“Now, you both understand what the standard is and you can either choose to accept or decline. Either way, whoever decides to walk can’t blame the other…”
That’s how I feel….
You got to stop expecting your revelations to work on EVERY PERSON you deal with. So you got your shyte together, but now that means you lose access to X amount of women, because THEY DON’T. And it might suck to talk to girl after girl, hit her with the realness, and have her reject you but…THAT IS A GOOD THING. Because if she didn’t want it, but accepted you anyway, you’re in for a drawn out war that you never wanted.
It’s like having a question that you need answered, and got 100 people to ask. 99 of them are too stupid to get your question, only 1 person will. You might hate the fact that you actually had to go through 99 people to get one answer…but once you have it, it was worth it. End game.
hmmmm. didnt think about it this way but everything you said is worth considering. thanks. noted.
Trust me, I don’t like it either, but it applies to my life now and I have to deal with the fact that people I want access to, I can’t have access, because they will cause me frustration beyond the point of help.
But that’s the deal with asking for something rare. There’s so much of the plain stuff everywhere, and even remarkable things end up actually being plain, so the hunt for something rare is tiresome but worth it if you find what you were looking for.
~ 99 of them are too stupid to get your question, only 1 person will.
this is the curse and blessing of the bell curve right here.
You aint never lied darlin.
ha ha ha but ohh i have, to myself. and to others, mostly cause i was raised to believe that what i thought was true was a delusion, and aint nothing like destroying a child’s integrity before they know how to ride a bike. woohoo !
so yea, even now i catch myself in some doozies right when they come outta my mouth like, i don’t mean that wtf is wrong with me. then i gotta go clean it all up ~*~
Ehh me too. I come up with like 3 a day. I think I need to get paid off how much stuff I realize now. But it’s a reward for pulling our head out of our asses and realizing our mistakes.
I literally HOLLERED, at your last line “Don’t call me a biash”! Ain’t no need to call names when English is so diverse, NYHOO…
==================================
Being upfront/straightforward from JUMP, and not stringing her along is a win a win situation. She may not like it, BUT, at least she knows where she stands with you.
Do you owe her, a deuces I’m outtie, NO! Ya’ll ain’t exclusive. But it sho’ would be COURTEOUS to eh, let her know you are moving on than just upping and disappearing without notification.
Always put yourself in the other person’s shoes. You are not dealing with a tree that is emotionless, she’s a human being. I don’t know what’s so hard about not being selfish.
“Ain’t no need to call names when English is so diverse, NYHOO…”
i’ve been called a lot of things in my years and i dont flench at most of them. but b!tch….i thank my god i am here.
this is fair, mango. i have vanished in the past and that is not cool.
You know what, I appreciate you asking these questions so much because I believe you really do want to do what’s right and fair, and I can clearly see there are no egos here just wanting understanding so I’m (as a woman) going to do my best to answer these questions for you… bluntly and honestly as I would my brother.
“Is it my job to keep heat checking?”
- I don’t think it’s anyone’s “job” to heat check. However, you obviously care about this person and feel uncomfortable with a vibe she’s giving you… you’re not stupid, neither is she… You’re heat checking because you don’t think you’re on the same page and you think THAT because you’re probably not. So instead of “heat checking” have a real conversation… let her know what vibes you’ve been picking-up on encourage her to be honest about why she thinks why those vibes might be and where they are coming from.
“Am I doing to much? Is it possible (fair) to treat someone like I described and not expect them to at some point want more?”
- I think it’s awesome for you to be able to enjoy a woman’s comany with no strings, to have chex with no strings, to respect and appreciate her and still allow her to walk away freely (with no strings). It’s fair and it’s not too much. Her wanting more is NOT your problem… that’s her problem. You have no control over whether or not an individual will want to take the next step or not, so why even ask that question. I get wanting to be responsible for your friend’s feelings but don’t take away the responsibility they MUST have for themselves. She needs to be an adult as well and keeping the communication open allows her to express when it has become too much for her… and it’s her responsibility to do so.
“Is she responsible for knowing when it is getting “too deep†for her and bailing?”
-Absolutely, as I began to say above. However, I will say it isn’t an easy decision to make. So that’s where you come in and you open the floor for her to examine her feelings with you so you can apply some perspective on whether her “now” feelings will flourish into a relationship with you or if she should consider getting some space from you.
“If I decide that I no longer want to see this woman because I am ready to move on do I owe here anything but making her aware that I want to move on.”
- I’m gonna have to say yes. This isn’t a relationship per se where you’re committed but this is a friendship of sorts. Would you drop your friends or change the dynamics of your friendships and not let your friends know why? Don’t be afraid to say “I wanna see other people and this is why”… Tell her why… It’s important and healthy to communicate in bringing about unions and also to sever them.
my $.02… I hope that helped.
“my $.02… I hope that helped.”
it should. thanks.
I think you gave her all the info. She is responsible for herself now. If she balks later on… give her my phone number and I will personally lecture her about taking responsibility for her actions and not seeing the writing on the wall.
*shakes head in amazement and raises a glass to sweetsass*
you play with guns on your days off, huh?
LOL why you amazed? if there’s one thing she’s about, is taking responsibility for one’s actions.
Oh, I know….not amazed. She’s attacked me over a hash tag. I wouldn’t change her.
If you feel like the lady in question is developing feelings and you know you’re not, you should probably disengage. Did you give her the heads up? Yes. Did you respect her enough to be honest about your intentions? Yes. Did she agree to the terms and conditions you laid out? Verbally, yes she did. But its obvious by her ACTIONS that her heart is involved.
So, technically you’re not obligated to end things or “heat check”. But you know you don’t want her long-term, and you think she might want you long-term. So at the very least, a conversation should be had between the two of you. That conversation, though, is unnecessary in my opinion, because her words would only be a confirmation of what her actions have already told you.
She’ll either do 1 of 2 things: Admit that she has deeper feelings for you–in which case you’ll have to end things so an already messy situation doesn’t become messier; or she’ll deny it, meanwhile holding out hope that you’ll realize how awesome she is and commit–in which case you’ll once again have to end things.
I had to think for a minute. It almost feels like you are suggesting I save her from herself.
First let me say this has happened to me several times. Im waiting for the day a woman looks at me and says, “you know what, I dig you but this is not the move for me. an exclusive relationship is what i ultimately want.” I’m not saying this woman does not exist. Im just saying I have not dated her yet. Is the problem her catching feeling? I’m not sure. I dont feel all weird about love or feelings. For me that is easy and acceptable. My issues seems to be with being attracted to and dating women who cant do love or feelings well without monogamy. Nothing wrong with monogamy, it’s just not want I want. Nor do I request it.
And when I say heat check I mean: “So, how are you doing with this? We spend a lot of time and I could have us continue as is with not further comment. Are you cool with that? Does this sound like where you are at?”
I treat people and friends and the women I date well but I’m not a “good guy” or gentleman and thus I am not seeking
“good girls” or ladies. Most folks would fail the test for being “good people.” I don’t need that illusion or type of approval or sign off. I try to surround myself with humanity-people trying to evolve into things that are hard for the greatest of humans to be. I’m rambling…..thanks for responding.
Hello, there. I’ve said these exact words.
Trust… you cannot handle a woman like me.
“Trust… you cannot handle a woman like me.”
Wow….
You’re a strong woman. I love it! I dig how you go hard. Don’t change. But I’ve been told that more times than my years, Sweet, even by the one I’ve mentioned. They dont make em like me where you’re at. I play with guns on my days off.
I have said this and moved on only to have dude continue to pursue w/ his bugaboo a$$.
they get pissed and upset because two things women hate more than anything are being ignored and not having full information.
i think this might be the truest thing you’ve ever said. lol
It’s more of character thing versus a likability thing. If you put in the work for enough lies, not-so-truths, and emotional manipulation you can always be perceived as a nice guy by someone. Many women however (as I’ve been learning) are more interested in having and loving WHOLE people in their lives. It took me a minute to get it myself. If you want to be a better person on a human to human interaction level, you have to get to a point where you shut down a lot of wayward p**** regardless of how attractive the woman is. It’s like yesterday’s guest post of doing what you have to do now so you don’t have to worry about later stuff. That applies to things you abstain from doing just as much as it applies to things partake in.
I chalk up to the fact that we all have to be the bad guy at some point in life, even if we don’t want to be. Our need to always been seen in a positive light helps fuel the fact that we will hurt someone by forcing that image onto them.
Like you mentioned, learning to be comfortable with the reality that you cannot be everything you want to be will help open the door to realizing what kind of people are appropriate for you. Once that becomes clear, you will lose access to many other people, but that is a good thing, because they aren’t for you.
PREACH!
no one likes to think they are a bad person, or a bad guy in a relationship or situation. but sometimes, yall just are. no pretty words and feigned ignorance changes it. i know a lot of nice bad guys. and a lot of bad nice guys.
i think maybe when you’re younger, the tide is on women’s side. you’re young and hot and cast off the “unworthy†men left and right. but as people get older and careers are established and men grow taller or wallets grow bigger or wardrobe gets fresher etc, the “advantage†shifts toward men, making women accept things that they’d never when they were in college or early twenties.
Being older and knowing yourself better is when it is vital to be true enough to yourself not set yourself up by accepting or agreeing to to terms that aren’t what you really want. Be of good courage and true to yourself and you cut the chances of going through the motions.
That Mid 30s power flip is for real. A lot of never married women get some Come-to-Jesus moments when that moment hits. On the flip side, a lot of never married dudes act like Uma Thurman in the Kill Bill movies and try to avenge all the crappy dating stuff that happened in their 20s before they consider settling down.
Currently dealing with a similar situation w/ my ex I guess you can say. He gave me a “reason” behind our recent break-up which I believe is only half truth. I’ll be speaking with him tomorrow to get to the bottom of things, but nothing is worse than feeling confused.
Sometimes the why’s don’t matter, all that matters is what is. The why’s don’t really change the fact that you all are broken up and sometimes the answers to the why’s only add to the pain and confusion. Be warned in this regard……. ” to the heart and mind, ignorance is kind” GM
Bad Guys to do good things and good guys do bad things, yes you are defined by your actions but if this is true does it make a bad guy good or a good guy bad????
No (reasonable) person expects someone to be perfect or 100% always one way. The way I look at it is that you are basically like an athlete. Your averages over a significant amount of time are a far better representation of who you are as a player than those career high or career low games. Look at Alex Smith, he threw all over New Orleans in that playoff game. We ALL know that’s not who Alex Smith really is though as a player.
That’s what I’m saying people want to get mad when a good person does a bad thing even if it’s once, now all of a sudden because of that action that’s what he/she is defined by. You can do 100 good things but slip up once and do something bad you’ll be remembered for the bad thing.
Besides we all knew/know Alex Smith is no John Elway.
“We all sinners in the eyes of the Lord”
No man should lie to a woman (or anyone for that matter) or purposefully lead her on. That part is true, however a man should not be held responsible for your assumptions and wishful thinking. Should folk be considerate of others’ emotions? Of course, but people need to be honest with themselves and avoid situations they aren’t ready for. Closed mouths don’t get fed, if you want to know your status then ask. It isn’t my fault that you think a long phone call or a text message in the morning means we’re exclusive but you have yet to confirm that with me. It’s like a man assuming he’s going to get sex after a fancy meal. Your interpretation and perspective is unique to you. Always confirm, never assume.
Love that!
“I’m not a thief, but sometimes I steal.” Makes about as much sense as “I’m not a bad guy, but I’ve done bad guy things.”
Kinda like, “I’m independent and make my own money but a man needs to pay for everything we do together.”
Well, a VERY goodmorning there, Mr. Dreaded South!
#Pow #Pow
RELOOOAD!!!!
shots fired?
He shoots. HE SCORES!
hat trick. the dude shot three times fast and no one saw.
+1 don’t make no damp sense…
I had no idea you all expected me to pay for dates. I have never had a man let me pay for anything in dating situations, once we became a couple it was a different story but never before then. From reading this thread though, i guess the paying for dates was just compensation for the mind f*ck they were putting me through. You know, because they were such a good guys;)
Really, some guys are cool with splitting costs or even being treated but there are those who will get offended if you offer to pay for anything. One guy went on and on about independent women when I offered to split once. Dates are like a box of chocolates…
This is too true.
Panama I get it… but I’m NOT letting you off the hook that easy…
“Stupid is as stupid does”
Don’t tell me you’re a good guy that does bad things… good guys are good because they do good things.
You yourself said you KNOW better and yet you’ve done wrong anyway… maybe you were a bad guy and you should just own it.
“Don’t tell me you’re a good guy that does bad things… good guys are good because they do good things.
*facepalm*
This is like, the 3rd-4th time a woman on here has said this. Why are ya’ll having such a hard time comprehending this? First, let’s get this out of the way. Panama said that he’s a good guy who’s done “SOME” bad things. Not mostly, but some. Meaning that the MAJORITY of the time, he does good things.
A good guy, is STILL a good guy despite doing some bad things, unless, as I said above, the few bad things he does are so horrendous that they outweigh his good ones. However, as Malik put it, a person’s character is dictated by how they act the majority of the time. How they act on average. If they are genuinely good on average, they are a good person. Does being a good person mean they will NEVER do bad things? No. We’re human. This goes for bad people also. Bad people can do good things as well. Because even a kidnapper will give children free toys right before he snatches them.
Ok see… I get where our disconnect is… you’re being way too general here. Panama is a good guy, he’s a GREAT GUY!! He’s feeds the homeless, he gives to the needy, he provides a place for y’all to go get drunk and shake it fast once a month at Liv… but actually, I thought he was referring to the “Dating Panama”… you know, the separate one from all his good deeds to society. He’s great to the world… has been not so great to the women who have balled up emotions in him. See the difference? “Good guys” and I’m only talking about them as they relate to “DATING” are good because they do good things (to women)… now do you get it? Knowing you’re being a jerk and choosing to be one because the right thing makes YOU uncomfortable… sorry… you’re not a good guy.
naw…he’s right. even in my dating life. when it comes to women i haven’t always been a bad guy. and i’d wager that nearly every woman i’ve dated would agree with that. i can think of one, maybe two who would completely disagree with that.
but for the most part, i’ve attempted to right those ships even as we were going thru things. and some of that “bad guy” ness has been brash and blunt honesty. its not so black and white.
i do find it interesting how broad brush women want to paint men though. namely on this arena. if you have done a bad guy thing, you are a bad guy. is there any woman who would agree to label themselves as such? cuz i doubt it.
if you broke a dudes heart who you knew wnated more in anyway throug dishonesty (i know women never lie) would that constitute a bad thing and result in you being a bad woman?
or is that outside the scope of womanhood? lol
honestly that’s just the problem… people are so quick to call THEMSELVES good? WTF? Actually, I’m a woman that would wear the badge of bad. I have been a horrible woman to some dudes and was completely honest about it then… it is what it is. I think actually more people are badder than good and they running around telling everyone how good they are (with bad tendancies Hahhahahaha) confusing the crap out of people. No, most of US are bad… accept it and let the good ones… I mean the ones that are actually good cook.
I only break hearts with my honesty.
why are guys more worried about being seen as bad guys than doing something bad?
word.
Because women are quick to black list us on the assumption that we are bad, rather than the reality that we are.
I’m not sure why no one sees this in this topic today, but the common theme here is “shyte I do out of fear of what people think”.
honestly, i’m not overly concerned with it. its only a discussion b/c i used the terms. i didnt mean it to be a focus on “good guys” versus “bad guys”. the truth is most of us are probably somewhere in the middle. how i’m perceived outwardly by everybody here b/c of posts i write, be it as a jackass, douche, good guy, bad guy, smart fellow…whatever…is all well and good. but i’ll be okay if everybody thinks i’m a bad guy.
part of the game. as long as i’ve learned lessons in life and grown as a person, the rest of that sh*t is just water under hte bridge.
Maybe that’s not your concern, but a lot of nice guys I’ve known don’t have too much of a problem doing selfish, somewhat stank stuff, as long as they have a way to rationalize it. I figured out one way to really manipulate these types of men is to threaten their good guy status. They will do a lot of things to avoid being labeled a bad guy. The good guy status is almost more important than anything else. Even though they act pretty much the same as the bad guys. They just claim good intentions. What’s up with that? It’s almost like women will do anything to avoid being labeled a ho and can be manipulated with the threat of that label.
we live in a world of facades and illusions, words and images based on nothing except the validity of sources.
how do you make yourself valid? for a lot of people, it’s purchased with the superficial currency of reputation.
to people caught up, reputation is everything and it’s all that they have. they’ll do everything to hold on to this image, including lie to themselves.
but the cosmic joke is ha ha your reputation is owned by everyone else.
~ is there any woman who would agree to label themselves as such?
i know i done dirt. i know where all the bodies are buried. i’ve made some amends, but not all. but most importantly, i no longer feel this overwhelming need to be a fraud. i’m not perfect. i’m flawwwwed.
+a condo round my neck
Aren’t we all flawed. No one is going to be 100% good or bad and those terms are relative anyway.
“Ok see… I get where our disconnect is… you’re being way too general here.”
But, this also applies to dating as well. As it pertains to dating, if he treats women well, takes care of his spouse, is considerate, passionate, etc. Then he is a “good guy”. Does that mean he’s not gonna hiccup sometimes? No. Should those hiccups shade his entire character, especially if they are out of the norm for him? Again, no.
ok boo.
And for the record, I WAS using the term “good guy” pertaining to dating in my original reply.
lol @ this post making me ridiculously uncomfortable.
#theawkwardmoment men actually make sense and you believe what they have to say
“I’m not a bad buy, but I’ve definitely made some bad guy moves.â€
You for sale?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw
The way I really feel is that this is one of those “d@mned if you do, d@mned if you don’t” situations. So the best bet is to probably just do you.
time for a paradigm shift ~*~
Doing the right thing is hard.
It sucks to eat your veggies. But that is how you stay trim.
I’m trim and don’t eat any veggies!
#TeamFastMetabolism
I’m seeing a lot of the ills and justifications for terrible things we men do is based on how we want to be perceived. There is a lot of hemming and hawing in the comment section about backlash when honest or excuses about why honesty is for suckers. You don’t be honest for other people. You be honest for yourself. Also, while honesty may be a positive character trait to have it does not mean that just because you are always honest that it means you are being a good person. There are plenty of dudes in prison that are honest about a lot of the messed up sh*t they did while outside. That doesn’t make them all of the sudden good.
I feel like there is a lack of a formation of identity among men. All actions and interests are being solely dictated by how we believe we are going to be rewarded (or punished) instead of those being based on the core of who we are as human beings.
You hit the nail on the head. I hope people READ and PERCEIVE what you are saying Brother Malik.
Exactly you can be honest about dishonorable things and bad intentions. You can be honest about true and right things. The honesty is appreciated, but it is not the honesty itself that makes something noble. With that said I will always believe that honesty is the best policy because at least with honesty you give the other person a choice.
This. I was gonna say the same thing. All this round and round is men trying to have their cake and eat it too. If Im honest, will I get to be seen as a good guy? Will I get the pu$$y? No? Then I’ll lie, because that will get me the goods and I will look good. Until I don’t. But that’s her fault for believing my lie. I’m a good guy.
+infinty
*reads comment*
*sips tea*
You seem like someone who only drinks coffee BLACK.
“I feel like there is a lack of a formation of identity among men. All actions and interests are being solely dictated by how we believe we are going to be rewarded (or punished) instead of those being based on the core of who we are as human beings.”
THIS!
And to be fair, it’s not just among men. It is exercised with women too, it’s just that the desired rewards seem to be different. But all these dudes on here talking about, “I tried to be honest but it didn’t work because women ain’t sh*t” need to look in the mirror and see the chick who said they waited 90 days to smash and so they’re owed a boyfriend.
“I feel like there is a lack of a formation of identity among men. All actions and interests are being solely dictated by how we believe we are going to be rewarded (or punished) instead of those being based on the core of who we are as human beings.”
I hope you realize that this paragraph describes not only every issue talked on VSB for the past year, but basically the ultimate problem of men when dealing with women period.
Our fears consume the realities we deal with, so we actually believe something bad will happen before it even happens, and won’t confirm the truth.
But as you know, this realization only comes with wisdom and maturity. I would like to think that even engaging the topic is pointing out flaws of the past that we realized we’ve made. Clearly some guys here don’t have the whole thing figured out, but talking about it is better than pretending it never happened.
People who are receptive always benefit from conversation. We agree on that.
Indeed.
Now if only more than two people could see that.
@malik
“on the core of who we are as human beings.”
That will not hold up in court.
The results of your actions is where judgement commences.
There is soooooooo much gender opression/malfunction Olympics going on in this comment section, it’s unbephakkinlievable. Nyhoo, I’m here to officially announce that we have a rasta in da building, and I’m losing ma phakkiiiiiin mind over it. That is all, carry on ma pippoz.
Whichever gender wins today, gets a cookie. Imma concentrate on the FAHNNNEZZ that is the brother that God decided to send our way today!
Since I don’t have any fine women near me right now, I’ll focus on your puppies in your icon. They’re cute.
I’m convinced that a lot of guys would not want a woman who isn’t being fooled into putting all her eggs in their basket. They say they wouldn’t get benefits if they told her the truth, but they know some women would know the deal, accept the deal and be fine with the deal. Those women are also dating around and he is as much an option as she is for him. The men who lie don’t want that woman. There is no game, no advantage. They want the girl with fantasies of white weddings in her eyes who believe the lies and say no to all the other guys. They want to win. Her feelings don’t matter until they inconvenience him and make him look bad.
I actually agree with this. I’ve said it before, whenever a guy pulls that “oh I just want s3x! nothing more” card and I go “ok” and do it because that’s what I want too, he doesn’t like it, calls me cold, says I used him, and decides to contact me a lot. It’s like, what gives? But I see that not all men are like this.
I will tweak what WC said to add “the men who lie on a regular basis” because you do have a subset that are delusional or pathological liars who enjoy the concept of “winning” over a woman by lying to her.
I don’t get people like that. In that case, what you want isn’t a jumpoff situation per se. What they want is someone to tell them how great they are on a regular basis. People who think like that flat out suck.
WC don’t tell em… they (men) don’t wanna hear that truth!!!
i totally agree… i’m down with purely good times not going further than that but i would bet everyone’s last dollar that a lot of men on this forum wouldn’t choose to kick it with me… why… well you said it up thread… BOOM
i read your post up thread. if thats your pic that means you’re smart. pretty. fun. and down (when single)?
hmmmm. i dont know. i dont doubt your experiences but i find that hard to believe. maybe its my peer group. i like a good bet and i’d take it if there was some way to measure it.
*peeks in* how do topics become an unofficial gender debate? “Yea sometimes we men do this, but y’all women aren’t saints either” (lists all the Keishas that did them wrong)…Jesus Christ. How about they’re both wrong? Women intentionally friendzoning dudes is wrong. Dudes playing good guy when in reality they’re just trying to get the maximum reward while simultaneously avoiding confrontation is wrong too. It’s not mutually exclusive. Chill with that mess. Seriously, sometimes I want to give some of you guys (and girls) iyanla-style hugs.
*snorts*
Okay, now that I got that frustration out of the way…it seems that a lot of us are letting the buck stop at honesty. I don’t think that’s the whole picture. I think a huge part of being “good” or not is consideration – and being considerate is a lot harder to practice than it sounds. it’s a lot easier to say “i was honest that I just wanted to smash, she said yea, but it’s really obvious now that it’s more for her, but I covered my bases, so i’m in the clear” than “i was honest, she may have been honest at the time, but the dynamic has clearly changed, so i’m going dip out before it gets too messy.”
In an ideal world would everybody clearly state their stance all the time? Sure. But this whole “he/she’s not keeping it real so I have no obligation to end this good time I’m having” is bull. If your honesty is solely based out of self-interest instead of genuinely trying to create a healthy an open dynamic of whatever nature, then you can just keep it.
And this applies to BOTH genders by the way.
*shrugs*
Post realer than RGIII’s future domination of the Giants.
i was just gonna ask you when you were gonna return to my twitter TL, but now you’re trying to start fights, huh? I see how it is….*side-eyes*
Jets fans need love, too. T
i was just gonna ask you when you were gonna return to my twitter TL, but now you’re trying to start fights, huh? I see how it is….*side-eyes*
Jets fans need love, too. Tupac cares, if don’t nobody else care…
But I never dated a girl named Keisha go
You’re right though. Communication is have, and it take effort to keep it as open as possible.
*applause*
http://cdnl.complex.com/assets/images/lists/hip-hop-gifs/16-Obama-Shoulder-Brush.gif
lol smh
“If your honesty is solely based out of self-interest instead of genuinely trying to create a healthy an open dynamic of whatever nature, then you can just keep it.”
I wanted to disagree with you, just because I’m ornery and contrary by nature… lmao But you’re absolutely right; if it is only about self then a lie and the truth would serve the same purpose, in this instance.
thanks. I’m not saying that good people don’t make bad decisions, but the reasoning and thought process behind your decisions matter. and most people think that they really don’t want to hurt anyone, but REALLY mean “i dont want to put myself in an uncomfortable situation thats disadvantageous to me.”
Shamira dear thank you for being a voice of reason.
thanks hon!
@Shakira
As a man who has given honesty a fair shake, I am hear to tell you
This is sum bullish
I’m sorry, this was too funny.
only thing that dude has given a fair shake is his microp*nis …god knows it clearly wasn’t grammar/literacy. *shrugs*
@shakira
It’s comments like that why I don’t mind seeing women bite the dust.
Carry on.
Black women of course. Lol
http://cdnl.complex.com/assets/images/lists/hip-hop-gifs/2-Camron-You-Mad.gif
awesome gif
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7cd1784yX1qi2qcg.gif
I’m typically down with your bluntness and there are times where you don’t get a fair chance at explaining yourself, but Honestly, You, SweetSass and WC need to go have a party, get hellua wasted and get a three way done because ALL of Ya’ll got this Woe-Is-Me-Screw-The-Other-Gender Thing going on and you three seem cut from the cloth in the hatred and BS ya’ll spitting on here. Nobody seems to tell any of you nothing and while 20% of what you all say is Wisdom only 80% of what you normally post is Garbage
@Marshal
I really didn’t know @shamira was on that WC, SA bullish.
One of those women you need to walk away from while getting violently assaulted. Won’t even call 911 like a good citizen
LOL You are so mad I can’t even deal. I am too busy laughing at you to even be bothered by your violent thoughts.
You allegedly hate black women and have no qualms about it, yet you regularly troll a website with black women as a large readership base, and I’m the one on some bull. Okay.
I point out that people on both sides of the argument are flawed, and that it’s an individual problem, not a gender problem, and I’m the one acting out of pocket. Sure.
You come out of your way to disrespect what I said, and offered no REAL response to my argument, so I chose to troll you right back, and YOU get butthurt over someone you don’t know from Adam, and somehow I’m the one with the problem. *real tears*
http://cdnl.complex.com/assets/images/lists/hip-hop-gifs/25-OG-Come-On-Son.gif
I hope you’ve got a ton of wet wipes for all that sh*t you’re spewing. *tosses you some immodium*
@shamira
I didn’t peep the feminist swag, my fault. I gave you too much credit
@Shamira
And I did not say anything flawed, because the only issue you elabed on was my grammar. So, I know you on sum bs. I am more upset that I thought you were a reasonable specimen. But the fact that you are no better than the SweetsAsses of the world was disturbing.
you said my comment was bull. I said your grammar was bull. see how that works?
Again: “You come out of your way to disrespect what I said, and offered no REAL response to my argument, so I chose to troll you right back, and YOU get butthurt over someone you don’t know from Adam”
I have no problem having a reasonable discussion with someone who wants to have one. I’ve done it on here many a time. You weren’t interested in having one. It’s that simple.
There are SO many ways you could have framed your response. You could have asked a legitimate question. You could have chosen to point out which parts you find impractical. Sh*t you could have even pointed out that most humans are self interested by nature and I would have entertained the discussion. So many ways to have a healthy discussion, and you chose none. But because I took issue with how I disagree with you, and ONLY you, I might add, I’m a man-hating azzhole? Where’s the logic there?
(AND you called me shakira, TWICE, which is admittedly a huge pet peeve of mine.)
I’m sorry if that makes you lose respect for me, but I’m not gonna cry to sleep over it. And if your response to being disenchanted by me is wishing violence upon me, then you’re a worrisome person to have in my corner in the first place.
@Shamira
You are gon’ get this work today, you read it & keep it movin’ if you like.
No I don’t. I said I gave HONESTY a fair shake, and called the RESULTS of me being honest was bullish. But of course, a “reasonable” girl like yourself is gonna take it personal
Revisionist history. I remember you throwing some greasy .gifs, and then misconstruing my “honesty” experience.
If it helps you sleep at night.
If you didn’t like my response that is on you. And I would not be surprised if you are a closeted feminist who secretly hates (black) men. You are not all that unique.
Now we are getting to the root of your gripe. My bad, I was not paying attention to your name, I was more focused on what you actually wrote. But again, reasonable people should have that down pact.
Well, we are equals, so your job is to defend yourself from the psychopathic & the heartless out there. My thing is, I would even give you the courtesy of calling the cops. Because I want you to embrace the responsibility of looking out for yourself.
Now, I know when people run out things to say, then you have to change strategies. I will give you that. Stay classy.
SSTTE
Yep, only thing you can do is troll them until their blood pressure rises and they get banned or leave forever.
SweetsAss, lest not forget you were officially called out for your antagonistic trolling on this site. Perhaps you have forgotten since VSB has seemingly allowed you to carry on freely with your behavior. Now unless you were granted some sort of “she’s just a harmless girl” immunity by the owners of this site, I would imagine you are still on the chopping blocks. So you may want to turn your pot down to a slow simmer before you find yourself in those shoes.
L@SweetsAss
We know your feminist hypocrite a$$ needs a man to come and save the day when you run out of drivel to spew.
“A lot of [feminist hags] MC’s, act stupid to me
And we have yet to see, if they can match our [my] longevity
But anyway it’s just another day
Another fake jack I slay with my spectac’ rap display ”
From GangStarr “Moment of Truth”
Cause the work I spit, I don’t need a moderator. Just need a mic.
the problem with so called very smart people…….
ya’ll over think sh*t
just be…..
No!
your choice…….
i still love you though…..
now give me some…………..
dap?
that too…
My burrito bowl?
Is that’s what it’s called now a days?
Damn talk about south of the border.
“But good guys give a damn. And giving a damn means you try not to hurt people. And trying not to hurt people means you don’t be straight up. And not being straight up means you hurt people. And hurting people means you made some bad guy moves.”
*HangsHeadinShame*
Change “good guys/bad guy” to “good girls/bad girl” and you have GirlSixx, and I know I am not the only one, I am certain there are a few VSS here as well although some may not want to admit it.
I am honest without being truly honest at the same damn time I call this Self-Preservation… no one voluntarily is going to bite their own hand just to make someone else feel better about a situation. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s the ugly truth. The dating game is no joke everybody has a story/issue/past/situation that he or she may not be willing to tell upfront so in the meantime you just have to guard your heart, peserve your time and MOST IMPORTANTLY… Protect your mind.
yeah yeah men are evil…yada yada yada
we’re agents of baphomet…. we ain’t about ish…..are out to destroy women
ok we get it…… moving on….
@demondog06
It is really irresponsible the way the rhetoric is going on these threads.
Now, as far as this “full disclosure” debate we are having, I always take my dating cues from city women.
It would be nice if everybody followed a certain dating etiquette that would minimize hurt feelings. However because we are in a marketplace where men & women are on different levels & mindsets, you cannot depend on people to pay fair. Especially irresponsible women. That is why I will never vilify a man for treating a woman like sh*t.
What men & women have to do, is take their lumps, learn their lessons & be hip to game. Don’t take it personal.
But we love making attractive men the bad guy & just overlooking how shiesty & effed up the women we have to do it. It is very telling
Hey, what do you look like? I’m curious.
Here is a pic of Adonis:
http://www.brandwatch.com/wp-content/uploads/brandwatch/troll.jpg
Now… what to do with this information….
nothing…..
the bitterness and jaded visions run deep here
trust your instincts and find your own truth
grrr not all of us answered bitterly! grrrrrrrr woof!
I read every single post. EVERY SINGLE POST.
1) I hate all of you. Just kidding. But seriously though. H-A-T-E YOU.
2) I don’t want to make this lengthly but I recognized an issue that everybody has gotten the wrong idea about, but Malik touched on it.
This whole post is about growth and maturity. No one reflects on mistakes made unless you realize you actually made a mistake. And in our world of “fawk you, I gotta get mines”, that is a true telling sign that people want to be better than they already are. We don’t deserve awards or stickers for doing this, but we do deserve respect. The respect that we graduated from dumb ass to not-so-dumb ass. At least in that respect.
Dudes: Look, we’ve all done our dirt. Everbody said their piece, but the point is yall got to understand one cold hard fact: you didn’t just fawk it up for shorty, you fawked it up for most of the dudes she encounters. Everybody is so quick to say the game this, the game that…but aye, we all active players, and every time we run a foul, unlike sports, it isn’t just a personal foul; it counts against the whole team. Say what you will, but everyone of yall got played by a chick at some point, who was played by a dude who did exactly what we did. So let’s not pretend nobody had an idea of “I wonder what would happen if this never happend at all”…
Ladies: Yall read what we say, then compare it to what has happened to you, and are throwing stones at glass houses. Pretty it up all you want, yall are guilty of the female version of this problem, whatever the hell it is. Because this is a problem that PEOPLE have..not men..not women..PEOPLE. Self-reflection is key. There is a game being played, there are rules both genders were told to play by, so let’s not be surprised at the results of those rules. If it is still confusing to understand why men do incredibly stupid shyte in the pursuit of you, look no further than your average junior high school. By that age, the young boys and girls have already been told what to do, how to talk, how to dress, how to make someone like you, etc. But as an adult, you know it doesn’t work that way. If you connect the two, bad information from our youth is what got us here, and learning from our mistakes is what’s making us see why can’t follow those rules anymore.
Everybody: But it isn’t just for memen. LADIES FALL UNDER THE SAME CATEGORY TOO. The cat & mouse chase involves two sides, not one…and both sides have fawked up something AWFUL, to the point where we all take actions and make assumptions based on information we’ve been given rather than confirm ourselves…or we do confirm and find out 7/10 times that information is correct even though IT IS HORRIBLE INFORMATION.
I’m not expect the world to be a better place because of this discussion, I’m just expecting everybody to pull their heads out of their asses on this one. I think it’s all of the topics of the year condensed into one, and it’s important to see, the past lives we all had really is the major reason we’ve all had similiar bad experiences.
Again I hate you all for making me think this much.
I also forgot one thing: Stop taking shyte so personal. Even the heart break most of us suffered..it wasn’t even about us..it was about the person who did it. We just happened to be the idiot who was with them.
The game aint even personal. It’s impersonal, but we all line up to get hit like dodgeball, and get mad when we get hit extra hard. If someone says you suck and tells you the truth about why you suck, that’s personal. If someone plays you while trying to game 3 other people, that’s you just being caught up…that aint personal.
Learn your facts.
are there cliff notes for this?
Yea. Lemme know when you got them.
It’s pretty ridiculous to write “I’m not a bad guy, I just make bad guy moves.” In regards to relationships, the other person is the individual that determines if you’re a good or bad guy and, unfortunately, that requires recognizing you have control over your actions but not the reactions of women. You’re not owed forgiveness. Women aren’t a practice test. Who gives a crap if someone feels guilty about being an arsehole? I’m sure, for example, crackheads feel guilty about neglecting their children. (I’m just saying.) And? But, whatever helps you sleep at night.
I am thankful that I will never have to write a similar blog post or story because there are no misunderstandings or broken hearts that are a result of my own transgressions. Don’t get me wrong, there are misunderstandings that come from me as a human but I absolutely do not string men along. I’m honest because I believe that’s how people should be and I don’t think life is a game and I don’t think “we’re at war.” And, when this cycle of life comes near an end for me, I don’t want to sit and watch my children repeat a cycle of poor qualities they received from me.
I’m a strong believer in “karma,” and I have no desire to be treated poorly, which is why I don’t treat anyone poorly. That’s not limited to intimate relationships.
I can honestly state, if I had children, I would love for my son to marry a woman like me. The thing is, most people cannot state that because they know they are on the f*ed up Stevie J train, and are too scared to address their issues, and just putter along being a victim and victimizing other people. And, there goes the chain. You see the “players” or “abusers” get married and have children and then their daughters are attracted to “players” or “abusers,” and they are confused because they are “reformed” but the world is paying it forward… No thank you. I’m not going to text any dude good morning every day because I don’t have time for that. I don’t even text my friends good morning everyday.Why would I play games and text a dude good morning everyday and then get confused if he misreads the signals?
Women AND Men, stop being convinced that you are responsible for being led on or lies. You are not. You don’t have to read ANY SIGNS. There’s no such thing as a responsible victim. People need to learn when they are victims of agendas and sabatoge that it’s the aggressor that is the hurt, or disturbed person.
That’s just my two cents.
Just to add a caveat: I never feel guilty for unrequited like. That’s like feeling guilty for not liking cake because someone else loves cake. I would feel guilty for unrequited like if I did not make it clear that it was not reciprocated.
On the path to wanting to sleep with most of the women you referenced in this post, if you lied, cheated or did whatever it took (other than be honest), then you are a bad guy.Now, how are you going to change it?
That’s the valued part.
+5
so on point. I do not have time to lead people on. If am not feeling you. I will leave you alone. simple. Its just that people are so selfish. They do something to hurt you, they feel bad about it and the in their self-centeredness in turn want people to feel bad for them for feeling bad. GTFOH
Looks like I missed a good one today. Sort of glad though. Too much jaded fcukery dominating the comment section. Kudos to those who attempted to cast light on the growing shadows of the giant salt crystals perverting these threads with their intellectualized bitterness masquerading as ‘sound thought’.
Game…..It’s not for everybody.
*strolls into the kitchen*
you know, after taking a step back. i have to say that i agree with the post. the beauty of being a man, is that we will stumble, we will fall, we will screw up. we’re homo sapiens after all. but what makes us mature, what makes us grow up, is understanding how our actions were mistakes, seeking out that person we wronged, and giving a heartfelt apology/my-bad-ism. not to satisfy our egos, or to keep up the public aura of ‘good guy’. it’s to heal the wound we caused that other person to feel.
even as a super-hero-in-training, i realised that i make mistakes, and i have to be a better man about that, and understand what i did wrong. maybe i will be forgiven, or maybe i wont. but the best i can do is move forward, cognizant of my screw up, and not putting myself in that position (or if i do end up in that position, making the right decision/making the right call).
i think a lot of guys “good” “bad” or “normal” do keep around a cipher of women (this is probably more a human thing) but going forward, more guys just really need to keep the lines of communication that much more open. if you’re just lookin’ for bunz, then you have to accept that for women, bunz is intimacy which is relationship. if you are a guy actively seeking a relationship, then you can’t lead others along, and you really have to play it safe until you choose. and choose wisely.
good post, PJ.
*cleans up some of the mess left in the kitchen*
*grabs another box of croutons*
*heads out the kitchen*