Featured, Lists, Race & Politics

Dear White People: Here’s 10 Ways To Tell If A Black Person Actually Likes You

While checking VSB’s analytics earlier this week, I came across some demographic information that informed me we have a larger White readership than I assumed. I knew we had a good percentage, but the actual number has grown since I last checked.

This (obviously) means there are quite a few White people reading this right now. And to you, White people, welcome!

Now, if you are a White person voluntarily reading VSB, you might have some questions about Black people. I can’t answer them all — even I don’t know why every Black church pastor also is great at singing — but there are some I can. Namely, how you can tell if a Black person you happen to know actually likes, trusts, and respects you and isn’t just hanging out with you for the free beer and stock portfolio tips.

There are numerous indicators. But for the sake of time and space, I’ll just list 10.

1. You’re invited to places, spaces, and events that will be mostly Black

It’s a well-known fact that we (Black people) are generally more comfortable in mostly White spaces than you (White people) tend to be in mostly Black spaces. And this is largely due to the fact that our entire existence in America is basically an extended invitation to a White person’s game night, so we’ve gotten used to it. Since we’re aware most of you act plum fools when surrounded by nothing but Black people, if you do happen to be invited somewhere where your presence increases the White population by 100%, we trust you’ll be able to handle it. (Or maybe we just kinda hate you and hope you’ll do something dumb like touch someone’s hair. I guess you’ll have to see.)

2. We accept your invitations to all-White spaces that might lead to our death

It’s one thing to be the only Black person at the office or even at a nightclub in the city, but it gets a little hairier when you’re invited to a White person’s house for a dinner party. Or a camping trip. Or West Virginia. If the invitation is accepted, we trust you’re not attempting to murder and/or eat us. And we also trust you’ve made sure not to also invite any of your friends or relatives that’ll ask “So, why doesn’t Black Lives Matter care about Black-on-Black crime?

3. “White” is officially a permanent prefix for your name

If your name is “Kim” but Tasha refers to you as “White Kim,” it might seem insulting. After all, you are many things other than just White. And there aren’t even any other Kims around! You’re literally the only Kim at work, so it’s not like the White distinguishes you in any way. But, just trust me here. The White is a term of endearment, especially if they actually refer to you as “White Kim” or “White Frank” in your presence.

4. You’re allowed to bring the potato salad

If you’re invited to a Black person’s potluck, and you volunteer to make and bring the potato salad, and you’re not immediately doused with a bucket of chloroform, you’ve officially made it to the circle of trust.

5. You’re allowed to touch, do, or cut a Black person’s hair

This is perhaps the highest level of trust. Like, how Elaine on Seinfeld reserved sponge status for only the most special men, hair touching status is reserved for only the most special White people. You seriously have to go through an American Ninja Warrior-esque evaluation process before you reach that level. You must study, you must train, and it might even help to change your name to “Storm” or “White Tupac” or something.

6. You have a Black significant other…and no one cares

If you’re invited to game night, and your +1 happens to be Jahiem instead of Josh, and no one makes a face, it’s because they’ve already discussed and determined there was a 8474% chance you had a Black boyfriend, and it’s already been discussed and determined that they’re cool with it.

7. You say something kinda, sorta racially insensitive — not Strom Thurmond racist, but mildly racist (80s sitcoms racist, basically) — and it results in a conversation

We’ve accepted that even the coolest and most well-intentioned White people can harbor some problematic race-related feelings. Even if dormant and mostly suppressed, they’re still there in some form. Basically, racism is the White person’s herpes. And, like herpes, if you do happen to say something that makes us cringe, if we like you enough, you’ll stay around. It might even start a conversation about why what you said was wrong.

We won’t, however, share beers with you anymore. Because herpes.

8. We say something critical of another Black person while in your presence

If Deron is being an asshole, and we like and trust you, we’ll acknowledge that Deron is being an asshole. And, we might even agree with your assertion that Deron is an asshole. If we don’t like you and trust you though, and Deron is being an asshole, Deron is just going to be an unacknowledged asshole. And if you dare bring up that Deron is an asshole, we’re going to human resources.

9. You’re single and you express romantic and/or sexual interest in a Black person…and no one cares

This, for the record, might take an even higher level of trust and appreciation than the hair thing. It’s one thing to bring your own Black boo to the party. But to come to the party solo and leave with a Black boo and have no one bat an eye is some ninth dungeon Legend of Zelda shit. I think its only been done successfully 17 times.

10. We allow you to bring other White people around

Look, getting invited to game night is on the list, but it’s perhaps the weakest thing on it. The invitation could be more of a social experiment than an actual acknowledgement of sincere friendship. Maybe we’ve always just wanted to see how a White person would describe Wesley Snipes while playing Taboo. But, if you ask if you can bring friends, and we say “Sure,” it’s a sign we like and trust you enough that we’ll give these stranger White people the benefit of the doubt too.

Just don’t let any of them bring the potato salad.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    These are all accurate things. My best friend is a white guy and after 10 years of friendship I thought he was ready to be invited to the family BBQ. After the odd looks and whispers of “oh man does her mother know about this?” subsided, he shared a cigar with my brother in law…got a good helping of pulled pork and baked beans from my mom and even got to get a taste of the”good gin” from my cousin…

    ..he’s officially family. :)

  • mochazina

    LOL – i shared this based on the giggles of #3 alone as White Steve is now married to (then i kept reading and saw #6) one of my good homegirls! This is true life!

    May I also add that we allow you to babysit for us. Bonus points if we allow our kids to travel with your family.

    • mochazina

      update – White Steve said it’s an accurate list. LOLOLOL

  • Ari

    “We say something critical of another Black person while in your presence.”

    I would like to also add, we say something critical of White People while in your presence…for an extended length of time…without flinching or thinking twice about your feelings. Because we trust you can handle it without leaving the room – because you get it.

    • No. That might just mean we REALLY don’t give a fuck about you.

      • Ari

        That’s also true LOL, but for those white people I don’t really care for, I don’t even want to waste the potential negative energy in having to engage them later. If I trust and like said white person OTOH, I may have all the time in the world.

    • marwilli

      “Look, you guys really eat a lot of bread and that’s cool, what’s not cool is leaving it in a box on your counter. You need to put it in the fridge.”

      • Ari

        Then cool white friend laughs and says, “yeah I always wondered why our bread went bad in less than two days.”

  • Damon Young

    Honorable mention: we get high/drunk in your presence

    • miss t-lee

      I got a few white friends, but I’ve yet to get drunk around them in any capacity.
      Nope.

      • KB

        Getting drunk around your white friends might lead you to do some crazy/regrettable ish.

        • TeeChantel

          Accurate.

          • brothaskeeper

            *accriate

        • miss t-lee

          Exactly. Which is why it’s a no.
          Drunk white folks are on a whole nother level.

          • Epsilonicus

            Interesting. The only time I have ever had police interactions while drunk has been with my black friends. Mostly my stepbrother crazily enough…

            • My friends keep me making statements. However, I’m never under arrest.

              • Epsilonicus

                You know how many times I had to call wives/gfs and let them know to come get their man out of jail lol

                • Without going in to detail. I used to park backwards often so we could get the heck out of there in an orderly fashion.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    I am done living like that lol

            • miss t-lee

              I can’t say the same.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          I will say this…if you and the white friend are tight…and you get a little too sauced. They will take care of you..Bring you water..ask if you’re okay. And no matter what? All is forgiving the next day. They take that stuff super serious.

        • It does.
          NOBODY drinks like white people.
          NOBODY

          • Sigma_Since 93

            hence the term white boy wasted

          • KB

            In college had a couple of cool a** white neighbors who drank all the time. I remember on a Sunday night before finals my brother and I overheard them drunkily singing the following, “why do we drink…to get drunk! why do we smoke…to get high” followed by them knocking over all the dumpsters in the complex. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

            • I was a later bloomer and my 1st year of uni was me and the white kids and cheap drinks.
              Oh the fuzzy hazy memories

            • Sigma_Since 93

              reminds of of those white boys that used to play Power Hour during Monday Night Football games. A shot of what ever was the drink if the week every minute for an hour. Somebody decided to mess with the and hid the trashcans on the floor. I know the cleaning staff wanted to cuss somebody out Tuesday morning

              • KB

                “A shot of what ever was the drink of the week every minute for an hour.”
                Even as an undergrad that’s a strong NOAP!

              • Every minute though? Naw. That sounds like water boarding with vodka. I’d be done in 10-15 minutes FLAT

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  The record for the last man (inclusive of woman) standing was 22 minutes when I graduated.

          • cakes_and_pies

            There is a reason #WhiteGirlWasted is an authentic hashtag

        • Question

          No “might”. Will.

      • Went to a PWI with a drinking problem so I’ve been drunk around white folks. Also, around a few of my old coworkers but. Never on that #onthatCooterBrown though. It’s a rarity now a days though.

        • miss t-lee

          Tipsy, yes.
          Drunk? Absolutely not.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Too afraid I would end up with a peen drawn on my face or some mess like that cause they were petty like that. NOAP

          • miss t-lee

            This the kinda shizz I’m talking about.

            • Epsilonicus

              As someone who had been drunk an innumerably number of times around white people, I have only extremely rarely seen this. And that was in college. This does not happen as adults.

              • miss t-lee

                So you say…

                • Epsilonicus

                  You not seeing 35 year old white men drawing penises on each other faces. Unless they still live on campus at a college lol

                  • miss t-lee

                    If it’s not that…it’s something else.
                    Like dragging you behind a pickup.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      If you hanging out in a sunset town then sure…

                    • miss t-lee

                      Hanging out anywhere.

      • Jennifer

        Not even when they purchased your liquor?! Shout out to all of my white friends.

        • miss t-lee

          I didn’t say I wasn’t sipping…lol

          • Jennifer

            Phew! I’m relieved. lol

            • miss t-lee

              Girl…I ain’t never turned down free drank.

        • They be buying the sh*t out of some drinks. I sit and ponder why their pockets don’t hate them.

          • Jennifer

            Stop pondering and request your next drink, honey!

            • KMN

              Get the most top top shelf at that…they don’t care lol

        • AshAlly08

          My white friends are always buying the beer and alcohol. ALWAYS.

      • Jes

        The best white people to get drunk with are the Irish.

        • miss t-lee

          Hmmm.
          I don’t know any.

        • CookieGugglemanFleck

          That’s meeeeee!!!! And my black friends seem to feel pretty free tying one on with me.

          • Jes

            I’m of mostly Irish heritage myself :)

        • kneelbeforetigers

          100% confirmed. I’ve even been to Ireland, and because I was one of 2,407 black people in the whole country, I think I only paid for one drink that whole time. They LOVE Black folks over there!!! #laidinthestreetdrunk

        • Kas

          Don’t sleep on Australians.

          • Jes

            Oh Aussies are FUN. Every one I’ve ever met was friendly, fun, and got along with everybody.

        • Robbinesque

          O.M.G. YES!!!! The Irish and the Welsh. But ain’t nothing cooler than getting drunk with a brunch of White South African political asylees. I know it’s specific, but one of the best moments of my life was listening to them rant about colonialism, imperialism, and racism. It was like Heaven. Without the nutella.

        • Amazonian Midget

          I LOVE drinking with my Irish kinfolk.

      • jolly

        Lol, ironically the key to getting drunk around white friends for me I think is staying woke (#nohotep), we can get tipsy but if I’m done to the point of knockout you risk missing the closet racist in a crew come out and all the aforementioned prankster vulnerabilities. So yah, sip but #staywoke for the clapback just in case lol.

        • miss t-lee

          *daps*

    • Courtney Wheeler

      White friends…i get drunk/high around

      White co-workers…hell no..

      • Jes

        I wouldn’t do that around ANY of my coworkers, because you never know which ones are nice to your face but ready to get you in trouble or try to humiliate you as soon as they get the chance.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          Sadly there’s little to none people of color in my office…the two or three I do trust are older/in senior positions and it wouldn’t be appropriate.

          The rest I do go out with at times..and we’ll sip on some cocktails, but I never turn up.

          • Jes

            I don’t blame you. I don’t like to feel that relaxed around people who have to be nice to me because we work together. Makes me feel vulnerable.

          • Epsilonicus

            Working corporate America must suck

            • Courtney Wheeler

              Yes and No..I work in entertainment so it’s not as stuffy…but it’s still corporate so you always have to be careful.

              • Epsilonicus

                I am in the nonprofit sector so it is completely normal to get drunk with coworkers and bosses.

                • Courtney Wheeler

                  OH yeah I’ve hung out with the non profit sector…ya’ll are beasts! haha

                • This is the same for me too. Is this the norm? Most of my non-profit co-workers seem like liberals (and possibly hippies) too.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    It feels like it, especially if your org has under 50 employees

                • Jennifer

                  This is so real. Nonprofit arts sector here. I get the stink-eye because I typically don’t drink with my coworkers, or I limit myself to a glass of wine and then nurse some club soda (my boss has even called me out for it). They think I’m stuck up, but they’re still all 2520s…and I hear how they talk about last night’s intoxication IN the office. Nah, son…not gonna get me.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    I get drunk but not sloppy. Sloppy means a hangover and my body does not handle hangovers well anymore.

                    • Jennifer

                      We do an annual happy hour when the big boss is away. I usually stay for an hour or two just to fellowship outside of the office and leave once it gets out of hand. One year they raged until late at night, and one coworker left a very drunk message on another coworker’s voicemail. Guess what got played as a joke the next day to a random assortment of people in our department? hahahahaha…no.

                    • Speaking of hangovers. I’m running on four hours of sleep. Me and my #TeamBadDecisins decided it would be cool to go out last night and turn up, knowing we all had to go to work this morning.

                  • E

                    Startup culture is like this too. My wife used to be NPO arts and I’m in startup.(was in, we’re getting a little more big time now) We throw down at some happy hours. Well, I used too, less so now.

                  • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

                    For real…they are just waiting for the slip up. Don’t fall for it.

                • occupiesthethrone

                  Facts. I think it’s the stress of being in non profit that makes this acceptable. My boss brings liquor to staff appreciation. She brought Patron last time. Lord. I don’t get drunk with co workers tho. Last time we went out for drinks, the only white girl with us tells us about getting a train ran on her. Epic.

                  • Lorelei Black

                    lordt!

                  • Beauty In Truth

                    O_O da fk? (your last sentence)

                    • occupiesthethrone

                      That was literally my face while she was telling the story.

                  • Nature

                    Oh, my. #TMI

                  • Londa

                    Regarding your last sentence: I just cussed. That is some bull right there. I want everyone involved punished.

                    • occupiesthethrone

                      LOL! I think it was her weird way of attempting to fit in with us. What better way to fit in with your black and latina co workers then to tell them all about a train and make sure to note it was black and latino men involved? Come on now, solidarity! I can’t even use the excuse of her being drunk because we were one drink in.

                • SetzerGabbiani

                  Agreed. Part of the job in nonprofit arts is to drink with artistic directors, select board members, and various rank and file. You have to be wary of big boss, but otherwise its like Dionysus himself walks around pouring wine.

                  • Beauty In Truth

                    Yo, yall are some alcoholics for realz! LOL! Dionysus in this btch like what?! LOL!!!

                • kingpinenut

                  I was in that non profit world…..

                  They was some crazy folk

                • Jeff

                  I work in politics (for a nonprofit!). If you haven’t been drunk with your boss, your colleagues, your partners from other advocacy groups, and at least one Member of Congress, you’re not going to be taken seriously. DC is fueled on free reception wine like nowhere else on the planet.

                  • Democracy Diva

                    This is the truest thing anyone has ever said about DC.

                  • Kemse

                    I just started working in a non profit this year, did not know drinking was such a prevalent part of the culture in many of them. Wow. Good to know.

                  • Natalie

                    Agreed. It is like you don’t really trust them if you’ve only seen them sober. It is fairly expected that you party with your coalition partners and Hill staffers.

                • Natalie

                  Something about nonprofits just makes it different. Everyone is just much more chill. We do our own office happy hour.

            • Kas

              Yup

            • brothaskeeper

              Adulthood is really no different than grade school. I work in a high school, and the similarities I see between student behavior and teacher behavior are remarkable.

        • Robbinesque

          I concur! I don’t drink with ANY of my co-workers. None, zero, zip. To the point where they tell other people at HH – “Oh…she doesn’t drink!”

          • nptexas

            Excellent life decision. You will never regret it.?

            • Crystalsanderson


              “my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….


              two days ago new Mc.Laren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Hereoo!448????? http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsLive/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:::::oo!448……

          • Gertrudedfernandez2


            “my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….


            two days ago new Mc.Laren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Hereo!o557????? http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsService/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:::::o!o557…..

          • Amycsnider4


            “my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….


            two days ago new Mc.Laren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Hereoo!63????? http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsMoney/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:::::oo!63…..

          • MSNY

            I’m the same, two drink max at all work events.

        • outlyer06

          i’m the only black dude in my particular dept. i don’t hang with my co-workers and rarely engage in anything other than small talk

          i’m literally the spook that sat by the door…(really good book and movie by the way)

        • Beauty In Truth

          Beware of the Office Tom, The Office House Negro, There can only be one!

        • Mary

          Word! This month’s “buddy” could be next month’s reality show-like competitor a season later. They don’t need to know what’s on your unconscious mind.

      • CookieGugglemanFleck

        That just made me burst out with a cackle thinking of all the black co-workers I’ve partied with. I’m white and sadly have little boundaries around who I will drink with (I’m Irish, too, so…). But I’ve worked in retail and restaurants a lot which attract a lot of personalities.

        • TheCollinB

          That’s all retail employees do is get zammed together. Retail employees become best friends in no time.

          • CookieGugglemanFleck

            I know! Why is that? It really is an interesting social experiment here in NYC. You get ALL kinds of young people together from all over (all over the world, really), gay, straight, studious, stoners…and everyone ends up bonding over the whack customers unfolding the shirts right before close. Almost all of my NYC friends are from my days in retail.

            • TheCollinB

              Cause your friendship blossomed over common disdain for imbeciles and then you spend crazy time together to the point where you’re just like “eff it, that’s bestie” and your in the whip singing young thug on the way to late happy hour.

              • CookieGugglemanFleck

                That visual just gave me a long, gleeful chuckle–thanks!

                • TheCollinB

                  You Gucci, White*insertyourgovernmentnamehere*

          • miss t-lee

            Have you ever worked retail? We stayed drunk.

            • TheCollinB

              Worked it and managed stores. Opened up with mean hangovers.

              • miss t-lee

                Comes with the territory.

                • TheCollinB

                  I made the piss poor judgement call of going out with one of my boys I used to work with on a Wednesday night. I was in front of my kids in class trying to teach algebra and my body was like “nah,b”. Retail social life ain’t for me no more.

                  • miss t-lee

                    You knew better.

        • Courtney Wheeler

          Eh I think if I had a level of comfort with my coworkers then I wouldn’t care…but I a lot of them are stuffy and gossip so if any of us go out and drink after work it’s a super small tight group. But I remember when I was younger and working in retail…all we did was drink/make fools of ourselves.

          I’ve also been to Ireland..best vacation ever…so much fun… A bit overwhelming at times but I’m a bit shy so I had to get over people being so forward with me. haha

          • CookieGugglemanFleck

            Ireland: hilarious. We are a gregarious people. Working with a bunch of Gretchen Wieners is the worst.

            • Courtney Wheeler

              I was at a pub and this older man and his best friend just came up to me..said they thought i was really pretty and wanted me not to leave for at least an hour because he wanted me to meet his son…then sat me down and then told me why the English suck.

              I was so confused..this would never happen in NY/NJ

              • CookieGugglemanFleck

                Hate for the English is real and enduring there across all generations. They have lots of folk songs they’ll all break into at a pub about hanging the queen, dirty English bastards, etc. Something about centuries of occupation, indentured servitude, murder, rape and pillaging land that’s really gotten under the Irish skin.

                • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

                  yup…Irish are how black folk should have reactive to the various incursions by the English, ‘we’ll kinda make peace wit ya, but we still certainly hate your guts with a passion.’

        • Jes

          Because working retail is like being at war with the general public. And everyone knows bonds made in the foxhole are the tightest. I miss the coworkers, but I do not miss the work.

        • orchid921

          I just wanted to give you props on your username! :)

          • CookieGugglemanFleck

            Thanks! “Cookie? Cookie Guggleman? Is that you? Man, I haven’t THAT much fun on a rollercoaster since!”

        • Nature

          I once attempted to drink with my Irish friends. Never again. I live abroad, so the situation is a bit different for me regarding my usual Stateside life rules. Once, in Egypt, I attempted to drink with 2 Brits, Army guys.That was also an error in judgement. I didn’t come remotely close to keeping up and had the good sense not to try. Never attempt to keep up with Irishmen or Brits. It can’t be done.

          • malaentuvida

            Or Russians. As an eyewitness to an attempt I feel I need to warn all people: don’t even think about it.

      • AshAlly08

        It depends. I have had some white co-workers who are some of my really good friends and we’ve gotten drunk together. I think age plays a part in it. I work in the media industry, so especially when we were in our early 20s, we definitely got drunk together. But now that I’m 30, I’ve noticed that it’s a huge no-no. But that’s because the nature of work friendships change the older you get. People got kids and husbands/wives and friends outside of the office now. You don’t need to party with your co-workers till 2 a.m. anymore.

        My office today has a “mandatory” happy hour once a month. No one is getting drunk at those things. It’s mostly co-workers bitching about their commutes or their kids.

      • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

        I wouldn’t get drunk around anyone that doesn’t know me well enough to bail me out.

      • check my profile picture
    • Junegirl627

      Nah I’ve seen too many FB, & youtube videos of what they do to their friends and family to ever get drunk around white people.

      • Epsilonicus

        I have been drunk with white folks plenty. I have never had a problem.

        This is only an issue if you dealing with frat boy types. And once you hit 23, this behavior stops.

        • PineappleUpsideDownCat

          I’m pretty sure everyone (other than the frat-boys themselves) feel the exact same way about getting drunk around frat-boy types. Worst idea ever. They get SUPER-rapey.

          • TheCollinB

            frat boys do a lot of hugging when they’re drunk.

        • Unless you’re running for president, then the behavior continues indefinitely.

          • Epsilonicus

            Where? Because if I know anything it is white people lol

      • Me

        The impromptu making out always deters me, but that goes back to #5. So yea. Nah!

        • Jes

          The ones that bug me the most are the straight girls who suddenly make out with each other to get attention from the dudes. Give me a break, ladies.

          • Me

            There’s that. I definitely don’t play lesbian in my off time, but I hate being touched in general. So putting your random wet body party on my mouth will get you embarrassed and put everybody in an awkward hush.

            • Jes

              LOL Same here. If I don’t want a man forcing himself on me like that, what makes these attention-starved chicks think I want them to do it?

            • Junegirl627

              Word!!

          • Epsilonicus

            Yall gotta quit watching movies

            • Me

              Bruh. This ain’t a rare occurence. Ain’t even just a young ww thing. I was at a bar a few months back still getting to know present dude, and this older white woman was all over me to the point I was practically sitting in dude’s lap trying to get away from her advances. A few months before that I was celebrating a friend’s birthday at a club when the little white man that I decided to amuse myself with a dance with assumed that meant make out session a la 1990 bad decisions. Alcohol plus wypipo who don’t really know any black people in real life equals time for me to go home.

              • Epsilonicus

                Ehh. I went to school and move in quite a few white circles. This ish is definitely rare.

                • Me

                  Maybe it’s rare for men. It ain’t rare on this side.

                  ETA: The friend who’s birthday we were celebrating has an affinity for the white boys so she takes full advantage of how not rare it is for white folks to put their mouths on nearby people.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    Ok

              • occupiesthethrone

                Drunk gay white men are right up there with drunk white girls. They always want to dance with the black girl. Which is fine, but the amount of gay white men that have grabbed my hair or boobs or slapped my butt is ridiculous.

                • Me

                  The boob grab is the worst! I have no clue who told these folks that my body parts suddenly became free play when they came out the closet, but I wanna karate chop that person in the throat. The level of violation I’ve felt on the couple occasions that happened to me rendered me straight up speechless. Now that hasn’t happened to me in a number of years, but I swear, drunk white folks of any persuasion just are not my cup of tea specifically b/c of the dissolution of personal space. It’s the main reason I’m never 100% comfortable around any of them. Whatever it is that causes that side to come out under the influence is a big MF deterrent.

                • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

                  Uh huh…I’ve witnesses that going horribly wrong more than once.

          • Lola

            I gotta question yournwhite proximity if you haven’t seen a couple on non-lesbian-declared white women grope/make out to try and catch the eye of the trolling dudes in the bar.
            It isn’t rare in the slightest

            • Mochasister

              It takes all of that to get a man’s attention?! How trifling and sad.

      • what is thing with drawing d*cks on people when they’re drunk?

        • Jes

          I wish I could explain. Maybe they secretly want the D but don’t want to get written out of daddy’s will?

          • TheCollinB

            See also “putting scrotums on sleeping friends”

        • Epsilonicus

          It is a stupid rule from college. It is all about embarrassing the person who passes out drunk first

          • Kas

            D*cks, toothpaste, eyebrow shaving . . . do not pass out drunk (sleep) around white people in college. They can be cool, but their sense of humor is a little different.

            • Epsilonicus

              They like pranking each other. In some ways it is not much different than hazing in frats though…

            • jolly

              Lol “their sense of humor is a little different” don’t know why this just made me chuckle

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Only if these white friends have a nice car.

      Because that means they have a nice couch and when I wake up…everything will be alright with the world…because somehow they got a 6’2 250 lb Black man into a car without catching a kidnapping charge.

    • LMNOP

      I only get drunk around people I like because if I’m drunk, you’re going to know exactly what I think of you.

    • nillalatte

      LOL… it’s a crime to get high/drink alone. ;)

      • Epsilonicus

        Only alcoholics drink alone lol

        • TheCollinB

          Honorable mention to nuggas “going through some things” *daps my own damn self*

          • kid video

            You too huh:-/

            • TheCollinB

              Man, listen…

              • kid video

                Sippin hen rite now

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            *Looks @ bottle of 15 Year old MacNish*

        • nillalatte

          LOL… I often drink alone, but I rarely drink. :P

          • Epsilonicus

            Lemme rephrase. Only alcoholics get drunk alone

            • kid video

              I just got back from the ABC store:) …and I’m alone. Bout to hook up these sloppy joe’s.

      • there ain’t nothin better than a glass of scotch and freshly twisted j after a long day of hard work. especially with some good music, the kitchen cleaned, and a breeze on the porch.

        • nillalatte

          Okay, you gonna have to get an address to me. I love porch sitting! :D

    • she

      This weekend I got drunk in the presence of my white coworkers and my hips escalated when Murder She Wrote came on. I forgot I was around white people and started fucking it up like I was at a dancehall party. At first I kind of felt guilty that I stepped outside of my comfort zone around them but then I was like idgaf I had fun. PLUS no one says anything when Jim is looking like he is having an epilepsy dancing or when Jill looks like she is have a seizure trying to twerk so I’m just going to let my dutty whine loose every now and then. :)

      • Gbadebo

        somebody needs to tell Jill to chill the f* out…nobody likes seizures

      • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

        I love it when this happens and then everyone is surprised you can dance and you’re like….’yes, yes…what you heard is true.’

        But she, I’ve seen this go horribly wrong as well. I’ve had to save a couple of the young female interns or associates when I was in a firm who had taken a few too many shot of the top shelf and thought they could make like Rhi Rhi in ‘Work” without any of the partner’s raising an eyebrow.

    • AshAlly08

      This should’ve been in the top 10. Cause if I’m getting drunk around you, there’s a bit of an expectation that you got my back. I’ve definitely had this happen with one or two white girlfriends, not all of them, cause I don’t trust them like that, but one or two of them.

      But I’ve also had the situation where one of my white guy friends was trust worthy enough to get drunk around. A few years ago he threw a house party and when I couldn’t drive home he was pulling out the sweats for me, changing the pillowcase on his bed, holding my hair back so I could throw up in his trashcan (Yes, I let this man touch my hair), and best of all he didn’t “try” anything when we were in bed together…. He and I are still close friends. One of my white girlfriends couldn’t drive either and she passed out on the couch. That next morning, despite being hungover, he went out and grabbed iHop for everyone who stayed at his place.

      • Kat

        Ihop? That is a friend for life.

    • SirKnows DevoidofPunk

      Fam, stop snitchin’ on us. dontchoo know we at war? revolutions ‘posed to start in like *mumbles day and time* and you givin’ away secrets?!

    • Yonnie

      Fuck Carrots!!!

    • Beauty In Truth

      I would never!

  • cakes_and_pies

    We have a friend we can White Whitney and she loves it. When our extended mix is out, we have a tendency to go to places that are mostly Black. Our White friends love it because the drinks are stronger and they can do the Wobble without judgment . We audibly judge and laugh but the other Black people don’t care.

  • Karine1976

    The hair touching thing is a no go for me even with family so I don’t care how tight I am with a white person, it won’t happen. But all if this yes, especially 7 and 8. I took the time to explain to a young minion why cosplaying in yellowface is a no go no matter how much she loves Legends of Kora. I work wit a brother who stays being a fool at work and the disdain for him is universal.

    • Courtney Wheeler

      Twice I let white people touch my hair…one was my bestfriend…the other was this guy in a bar in Ireland. I was explaining what a sewn in weave was.

      Both were fascinated by this process.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Or telling them how long it takes to get your hair braided. It’s all shock and awe.

        • LadyIbaka

          That I understand, cause I too stayed being in shock and awe, even when I knew I’d be there the whole day. Amazeballs, I tell ya.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            *calls you at 3 am*

            Me: Where you at?
            You: STILL HERE
            Me: So you not gonna be in a good mood tonight huh?
            You:……..
            Me: *preparing my will* Ok, I’ll see you when you get home.

            • LadyIbaka

              It’s just ridonc!!! When I last got my hair braided, was at her place at 8, left at 6!!!!!!!! Oh my God. I was fleekarized but urrrgh!!

              • cakes_and_pies

                i once had a 16 hour session for micro twists. I’m too old to ever do that again.

                • I can’t handle the devastation that always occurs when I get my hair braided.
                  Once they reach the crown of your head, and you start to feel hope. Hope that you will one day leave the chair. Hope that you will not have to see the poster of the Yaky hair model, advertising a hairstyle that went out of style years ago again. Hope that there is a world beyond the walls that have held you captive and the person who is braiding your hair says “almost done, just three more hours.”

                  • cakes_and_pies

                    You start getting antsy and they start sectioning off 5 strands of hair to braid.

                    • Michelle

                      Just cuz I am bored during this road trip.

                      What’s the shortest and longest time that you’ve sat in a stylist’s chair, for braids?

                      This is a question for everyone who wants to answer.

                      For me… the shortest was 4 hours and it was for thick cornrows. I was amazed that it had taken so long. I had even touched the back of my head to make sure that she braided back there.

                      The longest was twelve hours. I wanted hip-length, box braids. Think of 80’s pop sugar Jane Child. It was that length and the braids were that thick.

                      Plus, I was accidentally smeared with my stylist’s breast milk, on my neck.

                    • cakes_and_pies

                      Longest 16 hours for micro two strand twist. Current time is 4.55 hours for medium small middle of the back braids. Home girl moves her fingers the same was this chick moves her legs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaQLj3dUFug

                    • Michelle

                      LMAO!!!

                • LadyIbaka

                  Excuse me? Wow.

      • I once had someone ask me if my micro braids were done by hand or by machine…

        • Courtney Wheeler

          Lord have mercy…

        • But can you imagine if there was a machine that micro-braided hair? That would be AMAZING. It could cut the amount of time it took to braid hair down.

          Can someone invent this?

          • miss t-lee

            They sell micro braided hair…lol You can install them as crochet braids.

            • I got mt first crochet braids done last month and literally i heard angels sing. In and out of the salon in 2 hrs.
              Praise. Jesus

              • miss t-lee

                Yup. I used to wear them in the early 00’s.
                I’m about to get some more soon, tis glorious.

            • LOL! I mean a machine that braids hair from the scalp, just as a hair braider would do.

              • miss t-lee

                ahhhh. i don’t know if I’d trust that htough…lol

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            That’s not fair though. How many phone conversations will be lost if your favorite hair stylist has no hair to braid? How will you know what the hottest songs of today are if you can’t hear her new ringtones every .0973903 seconds?

            • Lol The only things I catch up with when I get my hair braided are the latest Nollywood movies.

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                Those Nollywood movies be the truth though…that’s why yall dont’ even realize how much time went by

                • They are ANYTHING but the truth when you have someone picking at your scalp for 8+ hours.

                  • RewindingtonMaximus

                    ahahaha i dunno how yall do it…8 hours and I’m catching PTSD

                • Jennifer

                  This is real! They’re all at least 2 hours long.

                  • RewindingtonMaximus

                    You could rob the place and nobody would know because they are still watching the movie

                    • Jennifer

                      Even the bad ones will get you hooked. I might have watched the worst one ever produced when another lady and I were the only ones in the shop. She and I spent the entire 2+ hours asking question of the plot, actors, music, etc. Where? Why? How Sway? But, we never for one second asked the shop owner to change the movie. It’s like movie crack.

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      lmao yall got hypnotized

        • Jennifer

          LOL! But, they REALLY don’t know. How would they?

          On a side note: can somebody get on that invention now? A machine that wouldn’t need to take 3 lunch breaks and call their mama for 20 minutes would be amazing!

          • cakes_and_pies

            Lace front locks, crochet braids, braids, and cornrows are a thing.

            • Jennifer

              Lace front locs? Stop the presses!

              • cakes_and_pies

                with baby hair no less

                • Jennifer

                  Is nothing sacred?

                  • Kemse

                    You know I used to think you don’t fake locs, that’s too far.

                    But then I thought, what if you want to test drive the look? They take so long to grow out, lots of maintenance. And if you do authentic locs and then it ends up not working for you, I think most women would be upset at having to cut off all that hair (ithey can detailed it I know, but that takes a level of patience few people period possess).

                    I’m pro test-drive, that’s all I’m saying.

                    • Jennifer

                      Good point.

              • miss t-lee

                Yes girl. Where y’all been?

            • Kemse

              Yes.

              I’ve converted to crochet braids FOR LIFE. I can’t conceive giving away an unbroken 8 – 12 hours for singles ever again.

          • Me

            Wait a minute. Name one black woman who’s gonna volunteer to be the first to put her head to the test. Even when I see Beckys advertising those curl machines where you gotta stick your hair IN something, I stare at the screen like, “why Becky? don’t do it, girl!”

            • Jennifer

              For the right price…

            • Lea Thrace

              I keep staring longingly at those curling machines thinking “man. if only.” And then I remember I am not crazy and do not look good bald. So I keep it moving.

          • brothaskeeper

            The tradeoff: it might tear your scalp from your skull. #killingdreams

            • Jennifer

              Meh. I did at-home relaxers for years. Can’t get any worse. lol

              • brothaskeeper

                Please be careful. LoL

    • Erica Nicole Griffin

      Meanwhile, I had one of my white besties help me take out my braids one time. It was adorable watching her go from: excited to help me do a black thing to pissed that it was taking to so long to crying when she noticed an errant extension in her glass of wine. When she told my other (black) friends what happened they graciously told her she had been punk’d. She is in the inner circle. #Reparations

      • The hashtag killed me dead

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          *bear hugs you*

      • Kemse

        I’m near tears, this is great!

        I have a white female friend that likes to try and touch my hair, I’mma do this to her. Bet she never want no part of my coils again hahahaha.

        • Erica Nicole Griffin

          Yessir!

          Homegirl said: Hey your stylist is a trickster!
          Me: Why, girl?
          Her: She has the extension all the way to the root. I have to unbraid each one completely!
          [Homegirl thought the extension began where your natural hair ends]

          #40AcresAndAMule

          • Kemse

            **tills acres while cackling evilly**

            Yeeeesss.

  • Erica Nicole Griffin

    If you are comfortable sincerely complaining about white people stuff, habits, history of slavery and what not in front of said white person, you trust them. Probably because they also complain but, the trust is there none the less.

    • Wild Cougar

      I’m the opposite. I will complain about white people to the ones I don’t like. For reasons.

      • Ari

        My grandma was the same way, may she rest in peace. I just can’t be bothered with white people I don’t like, but I definitely understand the potential reasons why some discussions need to happen.

    • Jes

      I don’t mind one bit when black people talk about that stuff in front of me. I know a lot of white people who get really uncomfortable talking about all of those things, but how can you ever learn anything if you’re scared to even read about it, much less talk about it? I actually feel way more comfortable talking about those things with black people than white people because they get mad at me and act like I “hate my own kind”. Why is it Black, Latino, Native American, Indian, and Asian folk will make jokes/criticize/discuss uncomfortable topics about their own people, but White people will get mad at their own for doing the same?

      • Kas

        A riddle, wrapped in a mystey, inside an enigma

  • YeaSoh

    This actually off topic (kinda) but I have a friend that refuses to eat chicken in front of white people… Like ANY!!! Lmao it’s hilarious… And he has friends (white ones) he’s been friends with for like 15 years smh… They’ve never seen him eat chicken hahahaha!

    • LadyIbaka

      So he is suffering because of not wanting to be stereotyped?

      • Epsilonicus

        That is exactly what it is

        • NayNay

          My uncle had the same thing about not eating bananas in front of white people!

          • LadyIbaka

            Whaaaaaaat?! I didn’t know they don’t want us having bananas!!

            • Val

              Hiya, AM!

              *waves*

              • LadyIbaka

                ??????!!!

          • AnswerMe

            The monkey stereotype?

          • KB

            I know a lady who said she gives men the side eye if they eat bananas around her, which is unfortunate because I love bananas.

          • Ess Tee

            Wait. We’re NOT *supposed* to eat bananas in front of White folks?!

            Chile, every damn day of my life in this here office, I have a mid-morning snack that is my banana. I’m the only speck of melanin here, too.

          • Jes

            Wow..I didn’t know about the banana thing. That’s terrible… I figured only the most backwoods, cross-burning, sister-bangin types would still try with that stereotype.

          • Epsilonicus

            I have Caribbean friends like this.

    • KB

      I went through that phase for a hot second after getting my Masters and becoming an uppity, bourgeois negreaux, but eventually said eff alladat, I am who I am. Besides, how did we get the negative stereotype of being the only race who loves fried chicken? I’m from the south, do you know how many white folk love them some fried chicken? Back in grad school I worked at a hospital and whenever it was fried chicken day the line would be out the cafeteria and around the corner, filled with 90% white people.

      • Kas

        Chinese make the best fried chicken IMHO

      • Michelle

        Shiiiiitt…

        Here in NYC, the Asians keep Popeyes busy. There’s a Popeyes located near my job and you would think it was a nightclub because there’s a line outside of the door.

    • I have to admit, before reading Damon’s and Alex’s writings. I was that guy.

      • Jennifer

        I went through that phase too…I also attempted fried chicken with utensils. Ah, Young Jen…my respectability politics game was on point!

        • Val

          “I also attempted fried chicken with utensils”

          Lol

        • Yeah. Now I’m full “I wish this white girl would.”

          • Jennifer

            lol…Thanks for the mental visual of you holding up a chicken leg in your left hand, head cocked to the side, with an expression of “Say something!”

        • Me

          I only use utensils when the chicken is extra greesy & I got things to do after the meal that I can’t change clothes for. Otherwise, watch me murder this gristle with no hands!

        • Jes

          In France, they always eat their chicken (fried or otherwise) with utensils. I picked up a chicken leg in front of my French friend and she looked at me like I just stuck my whole arm in the mashed potatoes. Apparently they think it’s rude…? I said “but..it has a built-in handle..”

        • Kas

          I still do at restaurants because greasy hands.

    • AnswerMe

      Know someone like that, said she always felt awkward.

    • mochazina

      LOL – are you friends with my friend?

    • AquaTeamV3

      Ugh, been there, done that. I was the token black guy at a church event, and I started using a knife and fork as to avoid being “that guy”. Once I saw that everyone else was using their hands, I stopped hiding my power level lol

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      There’s one time I was sitting at a table with a group of white people and somebody made my plate. They put fried chicken on it.

      When a crowded room feels like a hush has befallen it, to the point where you could hear a pin drop…you start to reevaluate life in some ways. All of them looking at me like “is he gonna do it, is he gonna do it” I was mad.

      Still tore that muthafucka up though.

    • Brass Tacks

      I’m kinda like this. I really don’t like eating produce in front of white people. It feels weird. Like they can dam n near devour the entire chicken but you pick up one leg and its like…Of course you wanted the chicken.

    • Robbinesque

      I have a friend who loves watermelon more than her own children and refuses to eat it in front of White people…

  • TDW

    If we spend the night at your house or drink behind you you are definitely in there

  • TeeChantel

    Speaking of this very topic, Black Twitter had me rolling with #WhitePeopleInvitedToTheCookout tweets

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