I’m an ardent supporter and user of your services. I was hittin’ a Netflix and chill before it was even a thing. Of course, I was doing that by myself usually where I’d fire up Netflix and chill on my couch and watch whatever movie I or the mysterious people who have stolen my password had queued up. Some very weird people have stolen my password. Also, in case you don’t know (though I’m sure you do), “Netflix and chill” is the updated version of “movie night” or “making it a Blockbuster night” dates where you hoped to watch the opening credits of a movie with rather randy partner, eschew that movie to make your own (heheheh), then have the participating party gone by the time the credits for the original movie start rolling so that you could get some rest for the kickball game you had going the next morning. That’s a good night.
Netflix, I appreciate you. But alas I have a gripe; you are a liar.
Don’t look at me like that, Netflix. You are. Own it.
Actually, before we get to that, I have a few questions. Actually, I just have one. How do I get my account back to a reasonable standing so that the movies you all suggest for me don’t all feature star Keith Robinson, Christian Keyes, Essence Atkins, Leon, or Darrin Dewitt Henson who is now remarkably playing the role of father to college kids. Seriously, it’s getting embarrassing. You know how I said that somebody has stolen my Netflix password? Right. That’s messed up. But whats more messed up is that they can see what you suggest for me too. This means that they know I fell down that bad Black movie rabbit hole and I can’t seem to get out. Who the hell knew Keith Robinson starred in so many movies? If he keeps this up, he’s going to get a Clifton Powell Bad Black Movie Lifetime Achievement Award before he’s 40. But this gets right to the heart of my issue.
You have a “Popular On Netflix” list of movies that gets populated every time I log in. Why is Keith Robinson in so many “Popular On Netflix” movies?
And you know good and gotdamn well that You Got Served is not popular on Netflix. That movie isn’t even popular in Omarion’s household. Nor is Squeeze, a movie from 1994 that I’m pretty sure nobody would know exists if you all didn’t tell me it was popular on Netflix. I watched this movie, beeteedubs, and its fucking terrible. Dysfunctional Friends? Really? Are you kidding me? How is this movie popular on Netflix? How SWAY? It’s not, that’s how. You are a liar. You are lying to me every single time I log in.
Look, I’m not math surgeon, but I know that there are something like 70 million Netflix subscribers. Since it’s a paid service, I’m guessing that the vast majority of those people are not Black people. Just guessing here, feel free to tell me that I’m wrong. Assuming that I’m right, though, you are trying to tell me that ENOUGH WHITE AND OTHER PEOPLE like Keith Robinson to make his movies popular on Netflix? I think you’re a liar.
Are you telling me that if I go to my mother’s house – she’s white – and log into her Netflix account, her Popular list is going to look like mine? It won’t feature Days of Thunder instead of Drumline 2??? No Sandra Bullock listed, but Essence Atkins movies are. Aight, fam.
Oh, nigga, did you all SEE DRUMLINE 2? It got panned by EVERYBODY when it was on. How the fuck did that make it to being popular? It wasn’t even popular when it was FREE! Shit, if it wasn’t for Black Twitter raking it over the coals and hashtagging it to high hell, it’s entirely possible that Drumline 2 would be scrubbed Fahrenheit 451 style.
Hey, Netflix, I read Ray Bradbury novels and love Ayn Rand (seriously, have you read Anthem? Netflix, it’s life altering). How you trynna play a brotha? I’m not stupid. I know what a popular movie is. Pitch Perfect? Yes. The damn sequel did like $70 mil in its first week. Movies starring Ryan Gosling? Sure. If you tell me The Notebook is popular I’m buying it. Even family movies like Brave and Toy Story 3 or Finding Nemo. Sure. I’ve sat my kids down to watch more than my fair share of animated features to kill a few hours. Hell, I’ve seen both Mulan movies.
None of that shit is ever on my personal Popular list. What gives, b? All of those movies are in your library of movies? But they’re not popular. But motherfucking CRU is. All Things Fall Apart starring Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson is. N-word please.
You are a liar, Netflix. I don’t believe you one bit that those movies are ACTUALLY popular on Netflix. I think you looked at the movies I may or may not have watched and tossed them into your algorithm and tried to tell me that those are the movies that folks are checking out on Netflix. There all these news stories about Black Twitter, how come nobody’s writing about Black Netflix. Oh, that’s because you all skew what movies end up in my home!
White people don’t know Keith Robinson, Netflix. Why do I have to? Did I know his name when he was in Dreamgirls? No. I didn’t. Do I know? Yes, because he’s in every other movie you try to tell me is popular. I’m sure he’s a fine person, but there’s a reason he’s only showing up in my household.
Stop lying. Ohmmmmmmygod.