Dear Champ: I’ve been casually dating this guy for a few months now, and I’m beginning to develop feelings for him. Ok. I’m lying. We haven’t been “dating” really, just having sex once a week or so. Yes. We are the dreaded f-buddies. Anyway, my feelings for him have grown, and I want to know if it’s possible sleep your way into a man’s heart?
This question recalls a pretty colorful conversation I had several years ago with a couple of high school kids. We were discussing the idea of college, and although they were both college-bound, they argued that a college degree wasn’t a prerequisite for success; citing the careers of people such as Bill Gates, Naomi Campbell, and Wiz Khalifa as prime examples. (Yes, I do realize that this was probably the only time in recorded history that Bill Gates, Naomi Campbell, and Wiz Khalifa were cited in the same argument. Thanks for asking.)
While I conceded that A) college isn’t for everybody (If it was, it would be free.), B) it’s quite possible to be successful without a college degree, and C) having a degree doesn’t ensure success, I told them to think of degrees in basketball terms. Basically, trying to make it without a degree is like shooting a j from half-court. Sure, there’s a chance that you’ll make it, but your odds increase the closer you get to the rim.
To continue the analogy, contested three pointer = college degree, wide open three pointer = master’s/professional degree, foul shot = PhD, and lay-up = being born into the Bush family.
Ok, what was my point? Oh yeah, the “sleeping into a man’s heart” thing.
Anyway, while it’s possible to sleep your way into a man’s heart, it’s also possible to make a half-court jumpshot while blindfolded, covered in honey, and running away from a gang of especially angsty warthogs. Also, for most guys, you’ll probably have to sleep together approximately 600 times before the “heart” thing becomes a consideration. Since you’re having sex once a week or so, at this rate, he’ll completely smitten by June of 2024.
My advice? The f-buddy relationship is an inherently doomed proposition that isn’t for the faint of heart, and it sounds like you need to end this arrangement before you end up busting the windows in his car.
Dear Champ: Why is it so difficult for people to understand the viewpoints of those that have experienced differently than them? After trying to drive my points home in the Nice Guys Finish Last blog, I have never felt so isolated and misunderstood in my life.
Because the idea of a black man having actual dating struggles is the complete antithesis of the prevailing idea that we’re all carefree mandingos with limitless romantic options, I understand why it’s difficult for some — and by “some” I mean “some black women” — to have any type of empathy or sympathy for a black “nice guy” finishing last, especially since their own dating acrimony has been widely publicized, scrutinized, and politicized.
It’s almost like a white guy complaining about racial discrimination and intimidation. Even if he’s completely justified in his claims, it’ll take him getting actually murdered by a clan of Hebrew Isrealities outside of The Gap before anyone actually says “You know what? I think he had a point.”
With that being said — and if you are who I suspect you are — there’s a way to give a viewpoint without being preachy, condescending, and antagonistic, and I’ve found that many “misunderstood” people haven’t quite grasped that. Because of that, what could have been empathy ends up being annoyance, and your words and feelings get lost in a self-defeatist haze of “I don’t want people to hear my story. I just want them to feel like sh*t for sh*tting on me.”
Dear Champ: Is there a way to tell if a man is packing heavy equipment or not?
He has a big tool belt? I don’t know. I mean, from my vantage point, it seems like women run the option gamut when trying to figure this out, using pretty much anything from “hand size” to “the way he drinks milk” as a concrete indicator of a guy’s equipment.
My personal favorite is their self-fulfilling “confidence” prophecy. Basically, if a confident guy is proven to be blessed, he’s genuinely confident because of his blessings. On the other hand, if a confident guy is proven to be, um, cursed, he’s overcompensating for his shortcomings.
Basically, everybody is wrong about everything, all of the time. (and by “everybody is” I mean “women are”)
Dear Champ: I’m a newly single, attractive 36 yr old woman with 3 children. I recently separated from my husband after 18 yrs of marriage. I’m not looking for a relationship now, but I’m interested in dating. How do I go about meeting handsome, nice, respectable, and available men?
A couple games into my freshman year, we played the University of Kentucky on our home court. This also happened to be one of the years that Kentucky won the national championship. Now, although we weren’t exactly slouches, we weren’t on Kentucky’s level, and it showed. We kept the game somewhat competitive in the first half, but their size and talent just proved to much for us to handle, and we ended up losing by 30 points.
Predictably, when we had our film session the next day, our coach was pretty upset with us. But, midway through the film session, he stopped the tape, hit the eject button and said “You know what, guys? I can’t bullsh*t you all anymore. That team has five guys that are going to play in the NBA, and they’ll probably win the national championship this year. You guys gave a great effort…but they’re just much, much better than us. There’s no shame in that.”
I’m telling this story because it would be a disservice for me to gas your head up with some pseudo inspirational “Just get back on the horse, and things will take care of itself” type of speech, ignoring the fact that your baggage — your martial situation (not yet divorced), relative inexperience with dating, and kids (I know kids aren’t supposed to be referred to as “baggage,” but in the dating sense they’ll be considered us such) — is probably going to make things difficult for you. This doesn’t mean that dating will be hopeless. There are available and worthy men out there, but you just might have to do a bit more work — online dating, attending events out of your usual comfort zone, etc. — to find them.
With that being said, I have two things I want to add
1. Wait until the divorce is final before you start thinking about getting back out there.
2. Wait until the divorce is final before you start thinking about getting back out there, and then wait another three months.
Half of your life has been spent being a wife and mother, and since it probably wouldn’t be a stretch to assume that this is how you’ve defined yourself, I’d advise you to take this time to learn a bit more about yourself. Travel if you’re able to. Get a few new hobbies. Hit the gym. Go back to school. But, don’t run out and try to fill your “void” with TNAN (The Next Available N*gga).
I’m also suggesting to wait a bit before you get back out there because I’m assuming that since you got married at such a young age, you probably didn’t experience the same opportunity to be young and carefree as most others. And, people in these types of “delayed youth” situations tend to act out –and act irresponsibility — when they finally get the opportunity to, something your responsibilities and (assumed) dating nativity don’t really allow you to do.
Relax and take a few deep breaths before you decide to get in the pool. The water can be quite cold, and I’d hate to see you drown because the shock wouldn’t allow you to swim.
*You can contact Dear Champ at Formspring.me/AskChamp and firstname.lastname@example.org*