- “keep smiling. you know that coffee aint free, right?”
the NBA playoffs are easily my favorite time of the year. note, i didn’t say favorite sports time of the year. no, i look forward to the nba playoffs more than christmas, big l’s birthday, caribana, the season premiere of curb your enthusiasm, and the first warm day of the spring when every 18 to 30 year old woman decides to dress like j-woww from jersey shore. but, despite my standom, there are parts of the playoffs i can do without, and the most prevalent of these annoyances are the people intent on blaming every game their team loses on the referees.
seriously, if you were to go any random NBA playoff game thread on espn.com, maybe about 30 percent of those responses will have something to do with how the refs and the NBA are biased against their team, which is foolish when you break it down. i mean, if every fanbase complains about the refs after every loss, doesn’t this prove that the refs aren’t actually biased against anyone?
anyway, this topic made me think about the double standards many of us bitch about in regards to dating. guys complain that the financial burden unfairly rests on us, women complain that they’re not allowed the same sexual freedom that we are, and mexicans complain that God made them mexicans.
but, like the referee griping, many of these perceived injustices have a way of canceling themselves out in the end, and we’ll look at two of them today.
1. gripe: “guys get lauded for getting laid alot, but women knee deep in multiple dicks get dissed, and that aint fair”
how it evens out: while its true that promiscuous women usually aren’t allowed to use big momma’s good china (seriously. i remember my homeboy’s mom once telling him that if he brought any hoochies home for dinner, they’d have to eat with plastic forks and paper plates. he’s in prison now. i don’t know if these two things are related.), men are actually held to the exact same sexual standard…except the complete opposite.
there’s societal pressure on women to be (somewhat) chaste or risk ostracization, but that same pressure is on men to conquer as much coochie as possible. while this may seem like a good type of stress to have, there’s a reason why every (yup. every) man reading this has either told a half-truth or a blatant lie about his sexual conquests at least once. “underperforming” guys are clowned just as harshly as overperforming women
summary: everything sucks for everybody, so shut the hell up
2. gripe: “wait a second. why the hell am i expected to pay for dates, even if this chick makes more money than i do”
how it evens out: from an evolutionary perspective, the entire dating and mating dynamic is an elaborate dance meant to help women weed out undesirable potential sperm donors. and, while being able to spring for supersized value meals definitely isn’t a surefire sign that a dude’s a good mate, it does suggest that he might possibly be willing to protect and provide for her.
this vetting process is crucial because of the risk involved with woman having sex. not only do they make a bigger physical, emotional, and psychological investment in reproduction than we do, they’re more susceptible to injury, disease, and evelynlozaditis (what happens when stress and hard living makes you look 17 years older than your actual age)
summary: man up, bitch.
anyway, people of vsb.com, can you think of any more dating double standards?
also, do you agree with the whole “balancing out” concept i brought up in the post? if you disagree, what do you use to fill the space that would usually be occupied by a brain? gumballs? aluminum siding? cocoa butter? bat feet? inquiring minds want to know and shit.
–the champ
FIRST! It feels soooooooooooo good.
dead@”knee deep in multiple dicks”
“FIRST! It feels soooooooooooo good.”
thats what she said
don’t you mean that what HE said?? ion remember it feeling that good the 1st time lol
nnnnty ways… i just wanna say that major procrastination issues have pushed me over the edge from lurkdom –> comment-dom… or sum like that… HEY VBS!! this VSS in the making enjoys reading the blog!!
“knee deep in multiple dicks”
Does Supahead have a Twitter acct? Because I imagine her Twitter Avatar to be a picture of the above.
thanks for ruining my brunch brisket.
I’m here for you.
There are some Mexicans somewhere mad atchu. And some hos who are now nodding b/c they know the reason they’ve never eaten on a plate that clinks. And some cheap bastids who are deleting u from their Google Reader.
This pleases me. Carry on.
so, i guess cheap mexican hoes probably want to murder me then, huh?
I absolutely love the summary to number 2. Can I get that printed on the back of my VSB shirt?
. Bat feet?????? CTFU
LOLLLLLLLL. It does even out in the end. I need to print this out to every man who complains about having to pay for dates.
Akismet is a hating ass ho! Why’d my last comment get thrown in moderation. Methinks its b/c Akismet is one of them trollops u was talmbout. *rolls eyes*
hilarious as always! I love the thought provoking summaries!
I took a two week hiatus from VSB…but I’m baaaaaaaaaaaack!
Hello, Goodmorning!
you left?
You’re the opposite of a welcome (back) wagon, Champ. You’re like, the rejection racecar.
rejection racecar – LMAO!!!
t-shirt worthy.
is anyone keeping track of all these t-shirts???
Welp…
#1, I can agree with. Newton’s 3rd Law blesses this.
#2? Not so much. This is more like dealing with a casino with a 95% payout. Although there is considerable risk involved with a player hitting a jackpot, there is no guarantee that he is going to hit the jackpot, or even win a hand of blackjack, every time he plays. So, there’s no real ‘balancing out;’ the house always wins.
What is guaranteed, however, is that the man won’t win at all unless he plays.
“#2? Not so much. This is more like dealing with a casino with a 95% payout. Although there is considerable risk involved with a player hitting a jackpot, there is no guarantee that he is going to hit the jackpot, or even win a hand of blackjack, every time he plays. So, there’s no real ‘balancing out;’ the house always wins.”
thing is, if you’re a player that has a (roughly) 1 in 10 chance of winning the jackpot, and, really, all you’re playing is the slot machines, you still don’t risk as much as the casino does if the payout is 95 percent
Two double standards that has always been set in place are men are judged by their financial or social status and women are judged by their beauty or physical attractiveness. This can even out, but often times, it doesn’t, in a way, I think.
Example: Unattractive dude gets little to no play during younger years in life. Gets educated, gets his shyt together, gets financial stability and has his pick of the litter by 35 or so. At this point, he may have developed a disgust for the women who didn’t give him any play back in the day. Theoretically, as he aged, his stock rose and now he may seek the younger, more attractive woman as oppose to his 35-yr-old counterpart.
Part Two: The baddest, most flyest, prettiest, sexiest, finest, most beautifulest (thing in this world…it’s just like that) woman may not date, mate, or phuck with guys unless they’re bringing something of value to the table such as wining/dining them, exotic trips, expensive gifts, all-around queen-treatment. The only problem is, looks fade. And when late 30′s (I’m being kind), 40′s set in, the same things that initially attracted the ballin’ dude to her starts to sag and fade, he starts looking for a younger piece.
Vicious cycle we’ve all seen played out, I’m sure to some extent. As some men grow older and becomes more “distinguished”, their stock rises, while the dime-piece who peaked early stock declines gradually as her looks fade.
Great example, folk…great example…although for some sistas, part 2 doesn’t always apply, cuz they’re still bad well into their 40s and beyond (I just saw a spread of Stacey Dash…lawdhavemercy).
Agreed, but Stacey is definitely the exception and not the norm. She looks like she bathes in the fountain of youth. Don’t see many as well kept as her at 44.
I beg to differ.
@Michele,
Ms. Dash looks like an old hag to you?
@Monk
I’m not sure if you saw or read about the interview she had with Wendy Williams but Stacy Dash admitted she suffers from the typical “dime” or “pretty girl” issues.
Yeah, considering her failed marriages and other things, she definitely has issues when it comes to dealing with men and she might be a little bit on the “crazy” side. She’s cool to look at, but not sure if that’s wife material.
I agree with everything except the pretty women needing items of value and expensive trips. Why do attractive women get stereotyped as gold diggers? or being high maintenance queens? I don’t get that.
“I agree with everything except the pretty women needing items of value and expensive trips. Why do attractive women get stereotyped as gold diggers? or being high maintenance queens? I don’t get that.”
i think monk was just using a bit of hyperbole to make his point (which is basically that physically attractive women get special treatment)
I’m Caballeroso and I approve this message.
“This can even out, but often times, it doesn’t, in a way, I think.”
i think this is one of those double standards that shifts in our favor, mainly because its comparing appreciating and depreciating assets.
i appreciate the keith murray reference.
carry on.
sooo true so true
“mexicans complain that God made them mexicans.” – Shout out to Arizona.
*cues Public Enemy’s “By The Time I Get To Arizona”*
“mexicans complain that God made them mexicans.” – Shout out to Arizona.
yeah. its making it difficult for me to root for the phoenix suns
If God didn’t want them to Mexican, he would have made them Guatemalan.
I don’t know if I should laugh at that but its hilarious.
I only kid my dear Madame. I only seek to make the world closer through racism.
Love the post, but lay off La Raza
@Champ, I know. You kid.
@ Madame Zenobia, If that ain’t the truth! I always felt a certain kind of way about Arizona ever sense they were against a King holiday.
^I was responding/clarifying my earlier post. Where’d it go? I swear I was trying to make sense folks.
I KNOW, RIGHT? We knew they were effed up then!
I must admit I feel some kind of way about this post. If everyone has it bad, why not just agree to disagree? Why turn it into a verbal slap to the face?
You did have me laughing about the china thing and wondering if my mom did that on purpose to an ex of my brother’s…
And your post definitely was attention-getting and -holding.
me thinks you’re taking it too seriously/literally. we don’t do that much around these parts.
lolololol….
lol
“I must admit I feel some kind of way about this post. If everyone has it bad, why not just agree to disagree?”
where’s the fun in that?
Exactly.
I mean, think about it, who would want to read VSB posts that just say:
“Agree to disagree. End of Post”. And the next day, it’ll say “Disagree to Agree”, which makes no sense…
“Agree to disagree. End of Post”. And the next day, it’ll say “Disagree to Agree”, which makes no sense…
that would be both the deepest and laziest post ever. basically, it would be exactly like a common album
*frown*
I hatechu, Champster.
that would be both the deepest and laziest post ever. basically, it would be exactly like a common album
L.M.B.O!!!!
the sperm donor hyperlink is the crowned jewel of this post; well played.
thank you. its a little foreshadowing for later in the week
Good post.
But no, I don’t think it evens out at all…at least not the first one.
The whole double standard thing, while it may allow for occasional discomfort among dudes during discussions, does not (rein)force an entire pathology of ignorance and/or repression.
It is unfortunate that even in 2010, grown women are still expected to be somewhat coy about their sexuality in mixed company. The whole Madonna/Whore thing (i.e lady in the street/freak in the sheets) is so cliched that it has now doubled back on itself and become fully accepted again…even lauded. And yes, there is *some* reactionary backlash with the occasional random waving of the freak flag in the name of roaring feminism…but many of these utterances are disingenuous at best and manufactured for the purposes of selling books and new images/music (i.e Kiely Cheetah Girl…) or just plain looking for attention. For the most part, frank discussions regarding sex happen behind closed doors between women and between men, but not truly amongst each other…and looking at these new stats regarding HPV and AIDS, particularly women, particularly Black women…I don’t think these things are mutually exclusive.
And then there’s the dinner thing. Sure the guy is expected to pay…but then I always feel like I have to do that thing where I offer to pay, which feels wrong and wrought with over-thinking. That adds a whole other layer of pressure to the date on my side…not because I am not willing to pay…but because it feels like I’m putting this guy through a pop quiz on the first day of school, telling him it doesn’t count, and then actually making it 50% of his final grade…not because I want to-it’s just the school’s general policy. Really, I’d almost rather just throw it out there in the beginning that we’re going Dutch so I can just relax when the check comes.
I’s confused. Are you suggesting that women have the right to brag about being hoes just ’cause male whores often do during their immature years?
There is a weird expectation for men and women in terms of the number of people they have sex with. Men are possibly trying to add 15 while women are trying to rationalize why man so and so doesn’t technically apply to her partner count.
I think the question is why do I have to pretend that I didn’t have sex before you came on the scene especially when you want me to have all sorts of mind-blowing tricks in the sack (some pun probably intended)?
“I think the question is why do I have to pretend that I didn’t have sex before you came on the scene especially when you want me to have all sorts of mind-blowing tricks in the sack (some pun probably intended)?”
its an ego thing…same concept behind many women not wanting to be “the teacher” (read: more experienced than the man she’s with)
I think the question is why do I have to pretend that I didn’t have sex before you came on the scene especially when you want me to have all sorts of mind-blowing tricks in the sack (some pun probably intended)?
That’s EXACTLY what I would like to know…
No…I’m actually saying that the term “ho” “whore” or whatever variation thereof is a term used mostly to check women from discussing their sexual past, present and future. I’m not talking about bragging at all…I’m talking about discourse.
It brings to mind a scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral…when the Andie MacDowell character answers a question asked by Hugh Grant’s protaganist, a potential suitor mind you…about how many people she’s slept with…and she proceeds to list, with both reverence and humor, all 33 men, including him. She was frank, honest, and exhibited no shame in her past…
“The whole double standard thing, while it may allow for occasional discomfort among dudes during discussions, does not (rein)force an entire pathology of ignorance and/or repression.”
you’re underestimating how much this affects men. from the way we’re socially hierarchied to our internal feelings of self-worth, this pressure has an influence on everything we do. the reason why its not talked about as much is because underperforming men are still seen by everyone as a bit of a joke, unworthy of sympathy or even discussion.
and also, much of that ignorance and repression you speak of is driven by societal pressure for males to exert power.
Complete co-sign.
I understand what you’re saying. I have dated men who have expressed this very sentiment to me. For the record, I have also dated male “ho’s” and a late-in-life virgin…so I get the very real insecurity (and over-sized egos) that comes with your “number”.
However, I did date, and in some cases love, this crazy gamut of men…men who were, for the most part, quite attractive and well-respected among their peers, and sought after by other women before and after myself.
I think the difference between my blues and yours is that yours is *possibly* more of an intra-sex thing that happens in barber shops and locker rooms. Women get it on ALL sides, from family, friends, lovers and strangers. There is just no letup.
Take a look at the prior VSB post regarding the basketball wives. In all probability, the “husbands” and the “wives” are all nth degrees of shady and effed-up-ness, in terms of conventional marriage, but what kinds of words were tossed about regarding the women, as opposed to the men on that show?
@The Champ
“and also, much of that ignorance and repression you speak of is driven by societal pressure for males to exert power.”
Even within the very intimate one-on-one confines of private, loving relationship between a man and a woman? Really? Cuz I feel like that’s some individual ish.
@brownivyx
“but then I always feel like I have to do that thing where I offer to pay, which feels wrong and wrought with over-thinking”
You may feel less stressed about this if you consider the “whoever asks to go, pays for it” idea. In most cases, I am asked to dinner so I do assume that the guy will pay in those cases. If I ask, then i expect to pay and will grab the check unless he absolutely insists on paying (which most of the time the guy does this).
“You may feel less stressed about this if you consider the “whoever asks to go, pays for it” idea. In most cases, I am asked to dinner so I do assume that the guy will pay in those cases. If I ask, then i expect to pay and will grab the check unless he absolutely insists on paying (which most of the time the guy does this).”
I have a problem with the “whoever asks to go, pays for it,” idea b/c in most cases, regarding 1st dates, it’s on the guy to ask. if you meet a woman, converse, and the guy doesn’t offer to take her out, then the woman assumes the guy isn’t interested. the woman may not “ask” the guy out until after a couple of dates… at which point the woman feels emotionally invested, comfortable, (i.e. a connection), but the guy may be substantially monetarily invested at that point.
“I have a problem with the “whoever asks to go, pays for it,” idea b/c in most cases, regarding 1st dates, it’s on the guy to ask. if you meet a woman, converse, and the guy doesn’t offer to take her out, then the woman assumes the guy isn’t interested. the woman may not “ask” the guy out until after a couple of dates… at which point the woman feels emotionally invested, comfortable, (i.e. a connection), but the guy may be substantially monetarily invested at that point.”
its the circle jerk of life
@SoutherCharm
I see what you’re saying, but that’s the whole idea behind the double standard. Men are expected to pursue us and there will always be a risk involved in that notion (e.g. Rejection, Spending money on someone who may or may not stick around, etc.). While there are a slew of women who will ask a man out on the first date, the majority of us are taught not to be so forward with men. So it is up to you guys in most cases. And yes, we will assume you’re not interested if you don’t ask us out. This is because men tend to react more genuinely or have a “black or white” approach when it comes to dating (If you all are interested, you will call, pay attention to us, take us out, etc. If you are not interested, then you do nothing).
@CNotes
I feel what you’re saying. I guess I said all of that to say that “the woman feeling pressure about who pays,” and the, “whoever asks to go, pays for it,” ideas cancel each other b/c according to the standard, we’re going to ask you out if we’re interested in the first place, and of course we’re obligated to pay. lol.
@SouthernCharm
….but for the record…..I’ve been asked out by a guy before (a long time ago) to dinner and when the check came he gave me the “you got this, right?” look and left the check sitting there (waitress walked by twice). I paid because I’m not trying to be embarrassed in public. But needless to say, when he was blowing my phone up for the next few weeks….he got no response. LOL!
Isn’t assuming that if a man doesn’t call/ pursue that he’s not interested and if he does pursue then he is interested “black- white thinking?”
I do subscribe to the “whoever asks to go, pays for it” as a rule of thumb. I’ve, unfortunately, never had the pleasure of being the asker.
I just need to start asking more men out on dates, I suppose lol.
So my son’s health teacher said “So you need to know about those fast girls.”
Ahhhh apparently that is where the double standard comes from! Health teachers.
And what about those “fast boys”? And the slow kids are even worse!! In college before getting their first piece. Shame!
LMAOOOOO great post Champ as always!!
Will return in AM with comments… too…tired.. right now
Not so much a double standard as it is just an equilibrium of sorts:
The ratios of women to men…esp. in professional settings, college campuses, etc. Although the ratio is generally skewed in our (i.e., men) favor, I loosely justify this with the notion that as the hunters/pursuers, we assume the risk of rejection and/or failure when it comes to the opp. sex. Higher numbers of women assures that each man stands a chance: even if several women reject your advances, you’re still guaranteed an opportunity to pull something. In essence, it’s similar to the stuff one sees on Wild Kingdom…when you see cheetahs, leopards, etc. hunting in the wild, there’s always one/two of them for every 50 antelope…they don’t always catch one when they pursue or pounce, but the high numbers of antelope means that they’re chances of success are increased…
As stated, not a double standard per se, but just a form of equilibrium.
Higher numbers of women assures that each man stands a chance: even if several women reject your advances, you’re still guaranteed an opportunity to pull something
there’s another social dynamite that occurs when the numbers are skewed in mens favor, though, that actually ends up hurting men more than if the numbers were completely equal. i’ll explain later after ive had my oatmeal
My guess as to what you mean – dudes passing up decent girls they’d probably wind up being happy with in favor of “something better” that always feels like it’s just around the corner. I have suffered from this recently as well.
Hurry up champ!! I’m waiting
**whoa that sound way nastier than I intended**
let me try again. Are you done with your oatmeal? Inquiring minds want to here your theory. **yeah that’s better**
ok, ive had my oatmeal.
in situations like that (for arguments sake, lets say there are 100 women to every 80 men) what usually ends up happening is that 20 percent of the women completely remove themselves from the dating game. they figure the numbers don’t work in their favor, so they don’t even bother. this evens things to 80 and 80. once you, lop off the 30 percent of the women who’ve stayed in the dating game (24), but are only willing to date/sleep with the top 10 (8) percent of the men, you’re left with 56 women to 72 men. the numbers actually reverse.
Essentially, the numbers game, or “working the ratios.” I wish I had known about that when I was young. I could have saved alot of energy and effort trying to sell the dream to certain specific young ladies who were never ever going to give me any real play.
Of course, the worst of them all is not even a double standard really. It’s just one of those quirks of life.
Situation A: You are a young man, single, virile, on the prowl. You have to work hard just to get a woman to notice you much less even respond to your advances.
Situation B: You are that same man, now seeing someone more or less exclusively. You go bowling. She leaves to goto the restroom, in the three minutes she’s gone no less than 5 women approach and proceed to hit on you, including the one you’re sure was watching when your SO pinched your ass when you got that strike.
Situation B2: You are hanging out with your ex. As a courtesy to each other, you agree to not overtly flirt or hit on people during this time. Attractive women approach and you must try to stammer through, “sure i’m with her tonight but not with her”.
Heck, a couple weekends ago I meet someone. We exchange email addresses and over the course of the week, emails. I’m supposed to hang out with my ex, test out our “just friends” phase. Barely 20 minutes into it I get an email “so, here’s my number, if you’re not busy tonight, we should go out for drinks”.
So, forget all the theories about how being with someone changes thing in such a way that other people can somehow feel it and are attracted to you, this stuff works even when you’re not in the physical presence of the other person. My take – somebody has a twisted sense of humor.
@ Kamakula,
I feel you on this comment. In the month that I’ve been in a relationship, I’ve had two people try to introduce me to a friend of theirs who’s now single, and I’ve had three lady friends tell me they had feelings for me. WTF! Where was all this when I was at home bored?
“So, forget all the theories about how being with someone changes thing in such a way that other people can somehow feel it and are attracted to you, this stuff works even when you’re not in the physical presence of the other person.”
yeah, its all about the concept of bandwagon attraction. as far as the heightened interest even when you’re not with your girl, i think it has to do with the fact that (most) men in relationships don’t show overt attraction to other women or, to put it in a different way, give other women the same type of attention they would if they were single. and, as we all know, nothing makes (some) women’s panties wetter than a guy who really couldnt give two shits about her
uhmmm …men have to lie and exaggerate about how many women they’ve bagged? Soooo Timothy just HAS to add 15 extra women to his number. Boo hoo.
I just don’t see that as so bad, compared to women having to keep their numbers wayyy wayyy down. Not that I mind, because I’m not out sleeping with all the Bengals
only Ocho Cinco’s sexy selfBut still… just saying. loli really wish that mine hadn’t really changed his name to eight, five. not even eighty five, which is his number.
he still sexy tho!
i’m on the fence about the canceling/balancing out thing. i just don’t think it does.
About his name, well… I figure he couldn’t pronounce ochenta y cinco. #shrugs. Idc though… he’s hot. LOL
And yeaaa I’m just not convinced that “double standard” cancels out… granted, they aren’t ideal situations for either… but women get the short end of the stick with this one, i believe. (No pun intended)
“And yeaaa I’m just not convinced that “double standard” cancels out… granted, they aren’t ideal situations for either… but women get the short end of the stick with this one, i believe. (No pun intended)”
***cutting and pasting reply left upthread***
you’re underestimating how much this affects men. from the way we’re socially hierarchied to our internal feelings of self-worth, this pressure has an influence on everything we do. the reason why its not talked about as much is because underperforming men are still seen by everyone as a bit of a joke, unworthy of sympathy or even discussion.
Men have to earn sex from women in a way that all but the least attractive women don’t. It affects our psyches if we can’t win very many women over. (Think 40 y.o. Virgin.) You’re essentially dismissing a problem you probably could never possibly be faced with because you’re *not* a man. That’s strictly a lack of empathy or compassion for men and our predicament, on your part.
The idea that men deserve less empathy than women is really, really old, and it should go away.
Of course, the even crueller double standard that perhaps isn’t really a double standard.
Before you are officially a couple, nobody else even catches your eye. The day you take yourself off the market suddenly all the chicks that could possible attract your attention decide that day to ride your bus to school, transfer to your class, make your caramel italian soda, and stop by your desk for office hours. Oh, and on your way home later that night, you are the only person on board with the one hot female bus driver for the entire city.
everything is tested, everything, to determine if its really real.
Before you are officially a couple, nobody else even catches your eye. The day you take yourself off the market suddenly all the chicks that could possible attract your attention decide that day to ride your bus to school, transfer to your class, make your caramel italian soda, and stop by your desk for office hours. Oh, and on your way home later that night, you are the only person on board with the one hot female bus driver for the entire city.
this is just one of the signs that God hates relationships
hmmm, let’s see- how bout men who are climbing the corporate ladder & being ruthless and knocking folks down, he’s “doin the damn thing” but when a woman show a little assertiveness , she’s a bit*ch….and BTW- IMHO, Arizona is on some ridiculous ISH of their own brand, from the King holiday, to the mexicans go home, and then they ain’t participating in no daylight savings time, well perhaps they are angry that john mccain is their senator ,,,,i know that ish would mess me up too
hmmm, let’s see- how bout men who are climbing the corporate ladder & being ruthless and knocking folks down, he’s “doin the damn thing” but when a woman show a little assertiveness , she’s a bit*ch
i think the feelings behind this stem from the (perceived) sexual double standard
Double Standard:
Often times, when a man sees woman whom he finds very sexy or attractive, if he comments on how fine she is or what he’d love to do to that, he’s regarded as nasty or just a plain ol’ pervert. Flipside, women make comments all the time about how sexy a brotha is to them or how “he can get it” and whatnot but that stigma of being perverted is never attached to them.
How It Balances Out:
Typically, men don’t mind being the sick, insatiable object of some woman’s fantasy and although there are some bold women, many won’t be as forthcoming as men are with their comments.
Good example. If I had a beautiful woman told me how hot I was and what nasty things she do to me, that would make days a whole lot brighter.
“If I had a beautiful woman told me how hot I was and what nasty things she do to me, that would make days a whole lot brighter.”
Key word(s): Beautiful woman…if she’s a dime, she can talk about you all day and you’d feel good about it. But let it be some aesthetically beligerent (VSB reference) chick whispering sweet nothings… you’d be hella upset if she was buggawolf.
Which is exactly why I used those keywords.
Beautiful woman…if she’s a dime, she can talk about you all day and you’d feel good about it. But let it be some aesthetically beligerent (VSB reference) chick whispering sweet nothings… you’d be hella upset if she was buggawolf
i actually prefer to give compliments from women in the 5-7 range. if dimes do it, i immediately assume that they’re trying to rob me (and i’m usually right)
Yeah, with me it’s usually some older 2520 ‘lady” telling me I look like some light-skinned freedman that they want to get horizontal with. . . key words indeed.
Man, you know them 2520 cougars in the Chuck like some young strappin man meat…gggrrrr. lol
If you play your cards right, you could pull a lil’ sugar mama and do it big…house down by the Battery, another lil wknd spot on the beach…
Same here, dude, except I’m brown skinned. If you sound like someone that can sit down with them and have a glass of wine and talk about smooth jazz, they lose it.
@DG Can’t fux with Dixie Wentworth.
@ComicBookBuy
“Smooth jazz”? Sheeeeiiiiittttt (no Clay Davis) all you have to know is a few obscure world capital’s and they’ve got a Texas flood in their pants suit.
I need to call my damn shrink.
@Wu Young Agent of M.E.,
Actually, living in Texas, if you mention Texas Flood or anything Stevie Ray Vaughan, especially at my age, you are pretty much in the door. Thanks for the cultural exposure, mom.
“Flipside, women make comments all the time about how sexy a brotha is to them or how “he can get it” and whatnot but that stigma of being perverted is never attached to them.”
This is not true if your name is Gabby Sidibe and the person you are directing the compliment to is Gerald Butler.
*Gerard
Who the eff is Gerald? I somehow turned him into an accountant. My bad. #effatypo
I don’t know if I agree that number one totally balances out. I woman that gets labeled a hoe will have that reputation follow her around. A guy on the other hand can eventually get over being clowned for not having a lot of sexual partners, and there are plenty of women that will want to be with said guy. There might not be as many guys wanting to be with the known hoe.
“There might not be as many guys wanting to be with the known hoe”
Funny and absolutely true.
Wait, but isn’t the point of being a ho having lots of guys want to be with you? Lots of people want to be with hos. They’re HOs!
Yeah I know you probably mean “be with” in terms of relationship, but to tell the truth I don’t know too many women knee deep in d*k that don’t have good, faithful boyfriends (unless they catch evelynlozadatitis and become just another with a designer purse and no gag reflex). The real good hos have ninjalike ho-stealth, and by that time you fall in love and get married you don’t have the faintest clue that she used to f*ck her boss, two grad school professors, her tax preparer, Bobby Brown, her plumber and her tenant’s husband during one slow summer. Unaware of this, on your way to church one day you casually tell new bride about that dirty ex of yours who actually slept with 2 dudes in one year and give all praises to jesus that she’s so different…now THAT would even out a double standard.
Unaware of this, on your way to church one day you casually tell new bride about that dirty ex of yours who actually slept with 2 dudes in one year and give all praises to jesus that she’s so different…now THAT would even out a double standard.
ummm, amen?
” The real good hos have ninjalike ho-stealth”
LMAO at this!!! Loves it!!!
@RocktheCatbox,
“The real good hos have ninjalike ho-stealth”
^So True! Supahead stays with a dude and Jenna Jameson got wifed twice. Plus, everyone knows that story of the neighborhood ho that some dude loves, wifed, and provides for. Their reputation proceeds them, but there is always someone who will venture out and check things our for himself.
Now THAT was a hell of an even out summary!
“A guy on the other hand can eventually get over being clowned for not having a lot of sexual partners, and there are plenty of women that will want to be with said guy”
i think the 40 year old virgin and the 40 year old retired porn star basically have the same bleek dating prospects
That’s where the concept of the Intellectual Whore came from – those guys are the flipside of the traditional female sexual whore.
Just speculating, but maybe the blame game (folks commenting on how the odds are stacked against them) is the reason why we have such a hard time connecting?
I think the whole point of the thread was “life sucks/isn’t fair for ANY of us, so keep it movin”
Yet still we can’t even agree on that.
#nodisrespect
“Just speculating, but maybe the blame game (folks commenting on how the odds are stacked against them) is the reason why we have such a hard time connecting?”
lol, seems like someone ate their subconscious message pills this morning
I got a good questions:
Why is it that when you don’t want to sleep with a man on the first, second or third date…he complains or sometimes loses interest
But if you sleep with him on the first, second, or third date…he’s thinking or insinuates that you are slutty, etc.
?????? I’m old fashioned where the challenge is key and holding back keeps the man wanting more…but times have changed. I had a guy tell me straight up that he’s not going to want to hang out much more cause I show no “affection”…which I knew he was only talking about sex. UGH
I think we call that Weeding Out the Losers, lol.
My two cents in this regard: Do what you are comfortable with, and only when you are comfortable doing it. When you are ready to be “affectionate” with a guy be affectionate. If you’re not ready, don’t. I know this sounds ridiculously simple, but here’s my take: You’ve got to do what feels right for you. If you’re affectionate when you’re ready to be affectionate, it’s less likely that you’ll have regrets from being coerced into something before you were ready. Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right, it ain’t. The rest will work itself out. Don’t, however, make your decisions based on creating some challenge by holding back – that’s game play. You could get a guy who feels he’s invested too much to walk away ‘now’ when he’s almost in. Then when you decide it’s time, for him it’s “finally, mission accomplished, ‘now’ I can move on” which leaves you pissed thinking all he wanted was sex. Bottomline: Withholding sex won’t keep him and giving it up won’t keep him, but if he wants to be with you, he’ll be there with sex now or sex later. Do what’s comfortable for you. Do you.
@Caballeroso,
“Bottomline: Withholding sex won’t keep him and giving it up won’t keep him, but if he wants to be with you, he’ll be there with sex now or sex later. Do what’s comfortable for you. Do you.”
Yeah, what he said.
Good one, bruh.
Oh good one! So true. When I’m feeling a man, I mean reeaaaallly feeling him…I want to have sex and bad. I don’t because I don’t want him to think I’m loose. So it’s tricky. You don’t want to play games but at the same time dating is a game.
I feel you on the fact that if he likes you, then he likes you so it shouldn’t matter. It’s just hard.
@SmartFoxGirl
“Why is it that when you don’t want to sleep with a man on the first, second or third date…he complains or sometimes loses interest”
Because he doesn’t want to know you. He wants to know your body
“But if you sleep with him on the first, second, or third date…he’s thinking or insinuates that you are slutty, etc.”
Because he has the mind of a 15 year old boy.
What you said brings me back to Andre 3000 when he said “that just lets me know she knows what she wants outta life” lol
“Where Are My Panties?” is the best interlude to a song ever. To go from a skit like that to a song like “Prototype” is timing at its best.
I agree with you…times have changed. As men, we’re not as patient anymore (or better yet, we don’t have to be as patient) when it comes to sex, primarily cuz we don’t have to be. Whereas some women are old-fashioned (such as yourself), some women are not and will engage in extracurricular activities soon after dating someone…thereby nullifying the old-fashioned “3-month” or >10 date edicts some women may operate from. Most men have encountered both these examples, so our expectation is gonna gravitate to the behavior of least resistance (i.e., if some of the women he’s met before you have been down with sex on dates 1-3, he’s gonna expect the same from you).
Is it fair? Naw, of course not….but it is what it is. Just stick to your guns though…if a dude comes along and he’s really feeling you, he’ll generally be more patient with you.
(Beautiful gravie, btw)
Thanks DG..not putting all my ish out there but just came out of a 10 year relationship and learning how brothas get down now…you’re right their attitude is “if you won’t she will”.
You’re welcome…
Yeah, you definitely have some readjusting to do after a 10 yr. stint…like I said, just stick to your guns tho’. As noted, the advice given upthread by some of the fellas is definitely on point: if a man is sincerely interested, he’ll do what he has to be with you, which includes waiting.
“Why is it that when you don’t want to sleep with a man on the first, second or third date…he complains or sometimes loses interest
But if you sleep with him on the first, second, or third date…he’s thinking or insinuates that you are slutty, etc.”
hmmm. neither of the guys presented in these scenarios are really that into you in the first place, so i wouldn’t worry too much about what they think.
like i said before, a guys opinion of you isn’t going to change if you sleep with him. if he liked you before, he’ll like you afterwards. if he wasnt really that into you before, he’ll still be lukewarm about you afterwards
Yeah Champ you’re probably right. He does show alot of interest so I need to relax… i’m over analyzing lol I feel like I just put all my sh*t out there…*taking down gravie*
Like my man from the D said, if he does act like as a grown man, he is acting like a 15 year old, which is pretty weak. For a guy grew up not getting a lot of love from women, when I got to college, I had to realize that even as freshmen, attractive women have been offered sex more times than Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds combined have juiced up. What has always worked for me when meeting a woman is not talking about sex…at all. No innuendos, no segues into sex talk, none of that. If sex comes up, it will be all on her, and because she is the one that brings it up, it lets me know that she comfortable enough with to talk about and eventually engage in it. I’ve found out that when they are that comfortable to talk about it, women are just as nasty as we are. I’ve been pounced on a few times because a woman will realize “Hey, he actually wants to get to know me. I am about to tear his ass up”. And with that, everyone is happy. Then again, maybe that is just me.
@ComicBookGuy
“For a guy grew up not getting a lot of love from women, when I got to college, I had to realize that even as freshmen, attractive women have been offered sex more times than Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds combined have juiced up.”
This is exactly how I feel. I automatically assume a woman has more experience than me. Women get offered dcik 24/7 365 since middle or high school. All it takes for them to step out the house and they can get some. Unless you are a celebrity, drug dealer, or a male dime you aren’t getting offers like that. That average brother isn’t winning like that. It’s even worse for cats like me that are 1.5s
@ComicBookGuy
“I’ve found out that when they are that comfortable to talk about it, women are just as nasty as we are. I’ve been pounced on a few times because a woman will realize “Hey, he actually wants to get to know me.”
: ) Great strategy!
It’s not much of a strategy anymore. It has become part of my makeup now. When you hang out with the kind of knuckleheads I did when I was in college, you kinda learn to do the exact opposite of what they did to get girls, even if it was hit and miss at times. I will say this, though: It does feel good to get a call at 2am from a woman you went on 2-3 dates with, without bringing up sex, and she says she wants to send you a picture to let me know she was thinking about me, and the picture is her nice, round booty. It’s like “Wow. Who was I good to in a past life to deserve such a gift?”
@ComicBookGuy
Well, I’m sure glad you paid attention to other people’s foolishness and practiced the opposite. And, I admire your exercising of patience. Now you should teach this to some of the brothas that cannot get through the first hour of date #1 without mentioning would they would like to do to me. sheesh!
@CNotes,
Appreciate it. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve succeeded with a few, a very few. The best I can do is teach my nephew, who is going to my alma mater in the fall, and he will be going to a racially mixed school to an HBCU, so the pretty girl factor might increase to 100. Last time I checked, which is 5 years ago when I graduated, the girl/guy ratio was 10 to 1 so God knows it’s probably going to be worse for him. I wouldn’t worry about him too much. I know his twin sister is going to be in the ass of any hoodrat that sniffs around her brother.
Right on. Nothing makes a woman think I’m gonna take that d*ck and teach it a lesson more than this…I saw this happen a lot in college, lol did we date?? The smarter guys just waited for the woman to have a broken radiator, which was the most clever sex ruse any of us could think of at the time to nail a dude who hadn’t made a move:
she meets you at the door in draws for a “study date”
she meets you at the door in draws to give you back the book you borrowed
she meets you at the door in drawers to watch Love Jones
she brings you a glass of water and starts giving you head.
I miss college.
@RocktheCatbox,
Who you tellin’? College days swiftly pass. Try getting scooped by a girl, knowing you don’t have a car and she lives off campus, on Tuesday night, at 9:30pm, just to watch a movie at her place. When I got back to my room the next day, my roommate was like “You didn’t hear me say, ‘see you in the morning’, did you?”
LMAO…I can’t lie, that’s what I miss…college dudes would seriously inconvenience themselves and most of the time not get any sex at all. And not be angry about it! It was always so cute to see young men get stranded, rained on, locked out and chased by campus police just to be around a girl they liked (and women are always sympathetic to those guys if they were wandering around the hallways, lol) That was your last 4 years before anyone would call you a fool, a stalker or not very bright– you just wanted to be around somebody so you did what you had to, lol.
@RocktheCatbox,
I used to bake cookies and offer to help with math homework to get girls in college. Even in high school, too, now that I think about it. How sad is that?
@ComicBookGuy
Bake cookies? How sweet! You would’ve won my greedy little heart,lol.
We could’ve ate them near the bleachers after my volleyball practice,lol
@LaBakir,
To eat cookies under the bleachers with a hot volleyball player? Only in my wildest dreams.
@ComicBookGuy
hey, it could happen
@LaBakir,
You just made my afternoon with that. Don’t get my hopes up. lol
It’s not just you, folk…it’s not just you…
the BEST game ever Comic Book Guy…trust me. If you don’t act like you want us…we will want you so much more. Women have nasty minds and we are thinking the same things.
Well, I do what I can to get by in this world. By the way, you are HOT! There. I said it.
Lmaaaooooo..thx. I’m saying to much on this blog so I may need to take it down. Don’t want the 2520′s at my job reading this lol
That tends to work when you are younger…..because younger men are SO aggressive in those years, that a change of pace is nice…but as I have gotten older, I for one tend to enjoy knowing that I am wanted, sexually and otherwise, without feeling pressured in the least. You let it be known and then go about the business of enjoying each others companionship/friendship all the while getting to know one another better, intimately even before going there.
i’d swear you were my ex if i didn’t know you weren’t. lol.
i was so intrigued when he didn’t talk about sex. like, at all. whatsoever. until i brought it up… and then he’d still not be very detailed.
i thought he was going to be sooooo square in the boudoir bc of this… but i was wrong. lol.
anyhoo, that totally works. lol.
“What has always worked for me when meeting a woman is not talking about sex…at all.”
That actually does make a guy a little more intriguing…having a guy jump right into telling me about all the freaky things he’d to do to my elbows and kneecaps before I know his last name will make me lose interest quick.
1) If a man isn’t sniffing a woman’s @ss and begging her for chex then he is gay, scared, or a momma’s boy. Yet if a woman isn’t putting out sex upfront then she is “respectable” and not “loose”.
2) If a man pays for everything, traditional, and chivalrous he is a “real man” doing “his job”. If a woman is opinionated, independent, and doesn’t need a man for validation she is a modern women who still needs a man to be a man.
3) If a man isn’t married or has children by 30 he is a weirdo or an “expired man”. (workcite: http://www.thedatingtruth.com/2010/04/hes-not-catch-hes-fugitive.html) If a woman isn’t married or a single mother by 30 it’s because men ain’t ish.
1…….. LOL a man can be VERY sexually aggressive, even more so, and be very much TRI sexual.
2. True Validation never comes from other people, but a much higher source, consciousness..now affirmation can come from other folks.
3. The right person with the right mind frame and in the right situation that one is attacted to, compatible with and is complimentary. is very hard to find for both sexes..see what happens is people subtract parts of this equation and go with whatever LOL
whoa i’m going to have to completely disagree with your number 3… citation and all. lol.
i’m 28… no children, and i cannot even tell you how many people (older folk, younger folk, younger siblings, family, friends…errybody with a pulse) have asked me why exactly i haven’t gotten married yet, or are completely shocked that i don’t have children.
a man being 30 and unmarried … people just assume he hasn’t found ‘the one’ yet, simply because men are the ones who are supposed to ‘find’ and women are the ones whom are ‘found/chosen’. i’ve been given plenty of side-eyes for not being ‘found’ yet, and even more so when they know i’ve had two people want to marry me, but have yet to get married. you’d swear another eye popped out of the middle of my forehead by the faces people make.
Yeah, I think a man over 40 may get the “expired man” stigma (hilarious term, btw) more than a guy in his 30s.BUT I am hearing more and more 30-something guy friends complain that their families are putting pressure on them to marry, especially if they’ve gotten their careers in order by then.. or are Nigerian. Seriously, I know several 2nd generation Nigerian men over 30 whose parents are like wtf are you waiting on boy, you better find anything with a pulse and childbearing hips and put a ring on it, I don’t have time for your “haven’t found the right one” American bullsh*t.
@RocktheCatbox
“BUT I am hearing more and more 30-something guy friends complain that their families are putting pressure on them to marry, especially if they’ve gotten their careers in order by then.. or are Nigerian. Seriously, I know several 2nd generation Nigerian men over 30 whose parents are like wtf are you waiting on boy,”
IDK. I’m half Ghanaian and haven’t caught this flak from that side of the family. I must also state that most of the women that have questioned me being 30+ without a kid, wife, or both are usually kind of hood or country.
@ Muze
Exactly! Being in my late twenties, I sometimes get the “when you gettin’ married” and “it’ll happen for you” comments from folks I know. I’m like, ummm….please believe that I am not pining away with cats just waiting/hoping/praying/begging for a dude to “choose” me.
@Ivyette
C/S
the summary for numero dos: gold.
you know what i will say though… what i think sucks for men is that…being cheap, even if you’re actually starving for money and are just not trying to hide your momentary lack of funds, is looked at as a very very unattractive quality to have. like,
way back wheni went out on a date with a guy who was constantly talking about how much things were costing him (am i’m not an expensive date AT ALL. we were at applebees for goodness sake) and even if his funds were low (although they shouldn’t be), i was just… ew-facing him in my head the whole night. later i went on a date with someone who paid my valet, tipped, and our dinner came out to around $120 and didn’t bat an eye. because he wasn’t talking about it, i wasn’t thinking about it, and it was just a much more comfortable experience.numero uno though… iono. at 30, if a man has been with 5 women or 75 women, a woman will still date him, love him, marry him.
at 30, if a woman has been with 5 men… cool. a man can roll with that. 75 men (even if she hasn’t had sex with anyone in four years)… she suddenly looks as if she has the ebola virus.
what i’m getting at is that… men can come back from low numbers. they may get ragged in HS and college for not collecting booty stamps, but a woman would literally have to move to an entire different city/state and assume a whole other image to ‘come back’ from hoedom. …or just become a dancer for Orlando and date bball players. whatevs.
oh… and evelynlozaditis is genius. lmbo.
I’m pretty sure “evelynlozaditis” is confirmed by DSM-IV.
“DSM-IV”
I think I need an app for that on my smart phone.
why i’d have to google that. hilarious. lol.
@Muze
“a woman would literally have to move to an entire different city/state and assume a whole other image to ‘come back’ from hoedom.”
I’ve met women that have actually done this.
“men can come back from low numbers. they may get ragged in HS and college for not collecting booty stamps, but a woman would literally have to move to an entire different city/state and assume a whole other image to ‘come back’ from hoedom”
the part about women is (somewhat) true. but, to give you an analogy, a guy trying to move out of the low number/low masculinity category and the negative connotations that go along with it is similar to a student being tracked in special education classes, but still trying to get to a four year university. its possible, sure, but the decisions you make because of mental shackles you give yourself because of that stigma end up affecting everything else you do.
this made much more sense in my head
It takes a special kind of person to compare a man’s Head count to the trials and tribulations of college-bound special ed kids…
A special kind of person indeed…lol
Yeah, I wish men who didn’t have the money to spend would just be forthright and learn to be creative on their dates. I know a lot of women who would be impressed with a dude who does RESEARCH to find different things to do around town that are free/cheap. Just admit things are tight because I’m saving up to buy an investment property (who cares if it’s true or not) so I am getting creative with our date. You can preserve your pride and you dont have to give details or even the whole truth (as long as the whole truth isn’t we have to go cheap because my wife checks my bank statements), but admitting things are tight but you still want to show me a good time means something.
LMAO @ booty stamps.
^Co-sign!
Y’all make it hard for us to come back from low numbers, though. In the beginning, women like to ask probing questions to tease out whether or not you’re a reformed low number haver: “So, tell me about your last 3 realtionships” (these dudes probably haven’t had even that many); “when did you start having sex?” (yes, women ask that straight up, early on); “what was your longest relationship?” ; etc.
I think alot of guys probably would be okay with never ever discussing anything about your past love life, but we know that we need to know certain stuff like if your last boyfriend was Rodney from Baby Boy, or if your having had alot of sexual experience means we’ll have to live up to a high bar of expectations from you.
But women seem to want to know this stuff because they want to know if they’re getting with a Live Ni99a or not.
I’ve met women who have made the comeback from h*edom.
I don’t know ANY guys who have made the leap from marginal manhood (low numbers) to genuine stud. Part of that is because macking comes is an art of trial and error. If a guy hasn’t been stepping to women, carrying conversation, exuding confidence, etc. over the last 10-15 years I think it’s gonna be hard for them to just transition to that overnight. Also, the women will be able to tell…
Bond.
“Also, the women will be able to tell…”
Almost instantly, alot of times.
That’s why I suggest boys “date” (or at least interact with girls in a flirtatious way) as much as possible, but in a healthy way, from the age of about 14 on. Boys need to get that practice in at that time because holleration is a skill that requires, like you said, about 10 to 15 years of development. Even more importantly, well developed holleratory skills are vital for a man to be able to have a healthy love life as an adult (read: women demand to be hollared at correctly.)
If you have a teeneaged boy in your life who is hetero and seems to have little to no romantic interaction with girls, take him under your wing and school him in the ways of the holleratory arts. You’d actually be doing society a favor with this.
holleratory skills
Love this term! and I agree…there needs to be more holleratory mentors in the world
each one teach one
Funny thing is science has made the ultimate transition from Hoedom possible.
For the right price a woman can be a “virgin” again…
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/8641099.stm
“Everything about you is a lie” – Chris Rock
@Muze
“a man being 30 and unmarried … people just assume he hasn’t found ‘the one’ yet, simply because men are the ones who are supposed to ‘find’ and women are the ones whom are ‘found/chosen’”
Not everyone thinks he just hasn’t found the “one”. I’ve had women give me the side-eye for being in my early 30s without at least having a baby-mama. I was almost married by 30. If I would have married her it would have been a HUGE mistake. I chalk it up to me not being one those people that feel marriage and a family is something to just “get out of the way”.
Not everyone thinks he just hasn’t found the “one”. I’ve had women give me the side-eye for being in my early 30s without at least having a baby-mama. I was almost married by 30. I
THIS!! Nobody seems surprised I’m not married yet. But they want to know why I don’t at have kids/baby daddies…and usually it’s America’s Worst Parents Ever. Had a friend’s gf (the one who feeds her kids kraft snack packs for dinner) explain that she had her 2 kids in her 20s to “get it out of the way,” Which made no sense, because it didn’t seem like she had anything important to do, except maybe buy all the coach bags ever created.
Your entire response has me in stitches.
@RocktheCatbox
“But they want to know why I don’t at have kids/baby daddies…and usually it’s America’s Worst Parents Ever.”
COSIGN 110%. It’s always the mofos that are in terrible situations that say this. They make horrible choices in who they choose to deal with as far as the opposite sex. I don’t believe having children is something to just “get out of the way”. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person that had parents that weren’t on their deathbed in their 30s and 40s trying to raise them.
For real!! I feel like if you don’t want to actually be a parent…don’t have kids! It’s not the Great Depression, we don’t need to have kids so someone will work on the farm.
It’s not the Great Depression, we don’t need to have kids so someone will work on the farm.
Okay, if you keep saying stuff like this, I might need CPR. That is too funny.
my apologies!
WORD!!! I always get the side eye b/c I don’t have kids. Hell my own mother told my sister I probably won’t have any b/c I haven’t done it by now. I’ll be 28 next week…seriously? Am I a old hag?
Why the push for kids? Not pushing me to get married…but to be a baby’s mama. I’m good on that one. If I do decide to have a kid out of wedlock, it’ll be just that: a choice that I’m fully prepared for. Not a situation I’m just dealing with.
@LaBakir
“Why the push for kids? Not pushing me to get married…but to be a baby’s mama. I’m good on that one. If I do decide to have a kid out of wedlock, it’ll be just that: a choice that I’m fully prepared for. Not a situation I’m just dealing with.”
I told my mother this. I said I could of had a kid a long time ago. I told her that “You want me to do it the right way correct?” She nodded her head saying yes in agreement.
@Humble_One
I honestly believe that having kids should happen in a particular order…i.e. marriage 1st…unless it’s a situation agreeded upon by both parents. Having kids outside of marriage is usually added strife. Just my thoughts.
off-topic: thank you for posting that Logorama link!! It was hard to find around award season and I finally got to see it at work. That was effing awesome, the x-box earthquake…ape sh*t ronald mcdonald..dope!!
I agree with you LaBakir… I heard too many single dads talk about having to go baby sit. how do you babysit YOUR OWN KIDS? LOL. I guess when you are pretty much a child yourself…. and I would consider having a kid if I wasn’t married with a man I planned it with.
Does anyone watch the Lisa’Raye show?? Speaking of people that shouldn’t ever have procreated…that woman is certified NUTS.
This is too true. Its also very true with the Puerto Ricans in NYC. I remember just graduating school being 22 and a friend moved to NYC, and all of the latinas thought it was too strange that we were 22 without any kids. I’m like damn, why I gotta push out 3-4 kids by the time I’m 24. I swear every other latina I saw was pregnant or at least pushing a stroller with 1-2 kids.
this is soooo funny.
mostly because i know you live in detroit and i’m imagining all the D-towners i know who carry their coach bags while their kids have all types of crust build up around their orifices. not right. and steady asking me why i haven’t had any kids yet. eff outta here. lol.
i have no desire to be anyone’s babymama or have a babydaddy. and even if i did have a child out of wedlock… i still wouldn’t be. lol. cause that’s a mentality, i think. be surprised how many times i’ve been around people and they’re like “yeah he has a job… i bet he’d be a good babydaddy.” whatttt??
I chalk it up to me not being one those people that feel marriage and a family is something to just “get out of the way”.
I agree. I’m 24 and my family is starting to put pressure on me to find someone to marry and have kids. My grandma is in her 90′s crying to me everyday saying “please get married soon. I want to see you get married before I die”. Sometimes I feel like staging one for her just to make her happy.
I’m in no position (financially) to have any children and I refuse to marry someone who I know I’ll be miserable with just to just for show.
I have dreams and plans of being in a solid marriage with a strong man and raise queens and warriors who can look up to their parents…
@Humble_One
“I chalk it up to me not being one those people that feel marriage and a family is something to just “get out of the way”.”
RIGHT. i’m getting married once… so it’s going to require some thought. just saying.
ostracization not ostrafication…
otherwise love the piece.
thank you. i was wondering why “ostrafication” wasn’t showing up on dictionary.com. i thought i was just smarter than them
If you think the NBA is bad complaining and whatnot, you should look over at the NHL. In the NBA now, thinking the refs have a stake in the game is much more of a legitimate complaint than it was a few years ago.
But man, in the NHL there’s all kinds of theories* that the commissioner fixes games for certain teams and hates Canada and all this ON TOP of your typical complaints about refereeing. Come playoff time it gets more ridiculous than the NBA, I’d say.
*which I may or may not believe…
you know, i think that conspiracy theory talk is prevalent in all sports, or, at least all sports with die-hard followings. i think im just more sensitive to the nba talk because i’m most passionate about the nba
But man, in the NHL there’s all kinds of theories* that the commissioner fixes games for certain teams and hates Canada and all this ON TOP of your typical complaints about refereeing. Come playoff time it gets more ridiculous than the NBA, I’d say.
ITS TRUE!!!
Why do states that DONT GET SNOW have hockey teams, when people in parts of Canada would travel hours and sell their limbs to support a team???
*kiss teet
i was having this conversation with a homeboy last night..
i made a comment about turning 30 plus this year.. and he said something like “i think that’s a chick thing..”
in my defence i don’t think about my age everyday.. but the librarian said something that got me thinking..
which brings me to this point..
it’s alright for a man over 30 to be single.. but once a woman hits 30+, it’s looked at like she’s the oldest chick on the block..
for the man it’s, “oh, he’s just taking his time.. he’s being selective..”
for the woman it’s, “what the hell is wrong with her? she’s getting old as dirt.. she can’t find NOBODY to knock her up?”
alright, that last one might’ve been overdoing it, but ya’ll get what i mean..
that, coupled with the fact that men can have children at whatever age they want to (Tony Randall, anyone) but a woman better get it in before the eggs turn old (that’s biology, but still) doesn’t make for such happy times..
OH!! and #2, a man, no matter the age will ALWAYS be able to find a young person to marry him.. but for a woman, it’s MUCH harder.. and then there’s always the “cougar” connotations that go along with it..
i’m pretty sure someone may have mentioned my points, but i ain’t read everything n sh*t.. lol..
i wish football season would hurry up already.. #randomrant
I’m really not seeing any of these old guy, younger girl marriages/child-bearing couples y’all keep referring to. That seemed to go down more in the past, but most of the professional, college-educated black women in their 20′s and 30′s I know now aren’t trying to get involved with any dude that more than 4 or 5 years older than they are.
I suspect this is one of those abstract, theoretical things people refer to to make their arguments, but which actually don’t really happen like that much in current, modern life.
it’s not abstract, by far.. but then again, maybe i’m a product of my environment.. i live in Florida, and it’s a different beast down here..
i suspect that when you say “professional, college-educated black women” you’re referring to yourself.. but i didn’t mention any of those characteristics in my comment.. it could be black women, white women, women that climb on rocks.. it happens all around.. ESPECIALLY with the black women and the older white men.. but then again, that could just be my environment.. wasn’t theoretical..
I was going to mention that I specificed those kinds of women because that’s what I’m in the market for (AfricanUS, not AfricaNA, lol). But I’ll concede that different areas of the country may have a different thing going on. Up here in the Northeast, I mostly see what I just mentioned.
Your points sound a lot like issues women have with women because:
A) Cougars are the business, they ‘re not overbearing, they don’t want to hang around your friends, all they want is some young… umm… energy.
B) Guys don’t care if you aren’t married by 30 that just means you’re available.
C) Yeah you’re going to have to take that eggs thing up with God.
“Your points sound a lot like issues women have with women”
Exactly…women are way more critical about this stuff than men could or will ever be.
it’s alright for a man over 30 to be single.. but once a woman hits 30+, it’s looked at like she’s the oldest chick on the block..
for the man it’s, “oh, he’s just taking his time.. he’s being selective..”
Really? I’ve always found that women look at a man as immature if he isn’t married or on his way to being married by 30. We get the, “…see, THIS is the problem! Men who are of marrying age are still playing around…” speach.
i wish football season would hurry up already
-co-signery.
*sigh…
i think at the end of the day, there are double standards for and against everyone. people will cry about the ones they think they want in their favor..but the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. they don’t balance out as a whole, they balance out in individual relationships.
there are many double standards i’d like to get rid of in the world, especially the ones in the legal/criminal not-so-justice system.
ie: kids 99.3% of the time going with the mothers when they truly might not be the best option.
there are many double standards i’d like to get rid of in the world, especially the ones in the legal/criminal not-so-justice system.
way to ruin the punch. thanks. i was planning on getting a refill
i do what i can.
As for #1: I agree with you for the most part. But it’s not just about the number of notches on our belts, it is also about our abilities.
Women highly underestimate the sexual pressures of being a guy…Particularly a black guy, as there are high expectations of our size and sexual potency. While there is surely pressure on women to satisfy their bedmates, I hardly believe that it compares. Bottom line, if life were a movie and the world were watching me and ‘random-thyck-chick-w/-glasses #1′ meet in the bedroom for our first go-round, I’M expected to please HER. The inverse expectation only exists as a peripheral after-thought (at first). And yes, there are exceptions…but I’m speaking of the “rule”.
The other way it balances out (and I believe this balances out MOST double standards that are seemingly in the male’s favor) a woman ALWAYS has the option of having a man ‘take care of her’. If she chooses, she can find a capable man whom she can at least tolerate (if not outright learn to love) who will make sure that she’s dressed, kept, fed and f*cked the way she likes to be. Even if it’s an unpleasent thought, THAT sh*t is like having both jokers and all the aces.
*sigh*…that’s gonna start a scuffle. Eh well…
OK I really feel like I have to comment on this one. I am 30 year old professional black woman and I have never had anyone ask me why I’m not married or have children. I am really confused where you all are running into these folks. I have had conversations with my parents and grandparents about this very thing and they told me years ago to take my time and not feel as though I have to be married or have children, ever. I actually think that my father released me from this when I was about 22 and he told me that I should never feel like less of a woman if I never had children. Mind you at the time I was in a long-term relationship that was headed towards marriage. I am currently in a serious relationship and we discuss marriage and children but I promise you that it will be on our terms and not some tempest in a teacup discussion that gets perpetuated in the media and during fight parties lol. The bottom line is that I feel like we as young people have a responsibility to the next generation to leave this foolishness here, meaning that we allow for all types of lives and ways to live them. I for one am not pushing children or marriage on any child that may or may not come out of my womb. I liken this conversation to scarcity of good black men topic—it’s your reality if you decide that it is.
That must be nice that you’ve never gotten that question. I’m 26 and I’m starting to get slight pressure from family, but not overt. Although I agree that other people should just get out of other people’s business and stop trying to put their expectations on someone. Everybody isn’t trying to get married, and the ones that want a relationship don’t need to be reminded about how they aren’t there very soon. Not only that, you never know why someone may not be heading in that direction. They could have just gotten out of a relationship dealing with someone abusive or crazy. The last thing said person needs is nosey ppl all in their business.
@J-bella
You should definitely consider yourself lucky that you made it to thirty without being asked this. Maybe it’s because my family lives down south but starting around 29 or so I started getting the gentle prodding from my grandmother. This year she just came right out and said my cousin and I would probably end up old maids because we’ve both been past 30 for a few years now and are both still single and (serious) prospectless.
i think it depends on the cultural and socio-economic background of people.
ie: i was dating a dude from detroit and was shocked upon shocked that at 27 i had never been pregnant (abort, miscarried) much less was a black woman with no kids…
Shuuuuul! I co-sign completely. People tend to downplay standards that work for them and exaggerate those that don’t.
Another example of a double standard is the way that aesthetic “preferences” are treated. We talk about alleged (black) male preferences for light-skinned and “other” women as if they constituted a crisis, but let a short guy even think about complaining about how his height affects his prospects. This despite the fact that (1) there is surely a greater proportion of (black) men with a preference for dark-skinned women (or who are at least neutral) than women who are neutral or affirmatively checking for short guys, and (2) short men actually face societal discrimination beyond dating, e.g., in pay, hiring. and political success, which one might think would generate sympathy.
One other double standard is same-sex interests. What would be the average (hetero) man’s reaction to rumors that a woman that he’s interested in is bi? What would be the average (hetero) woman’s reaction to rumors that a man that she’s interested in is bi? Or what would the reaction be if a man (as opposed to a woman) said he had gone through an experimental “phase,” but that it was over?
This is true and I didn’t really think about short guys. As a chocolate sista I have had guys tell me that I’m so sexy and chocolatey and that they like my chocolate skin. However, I have never heard a woman say that I just love a man that comes up to my shoulders.
@Deeds
True, true. Never heard a woman say she wants some ole’ little Polly Pocket arse dude.
I think that every woman BEYOND her teens/early 20′s and under 5’9/5’10 herself who has ever said something along the lines of “…and I want a man who’s at least 6 ft. or taller” will end up going to a special place in Hayle where all of her potential suitors are dwarves w/ huge Napoleonic complexes….
I COMPLETELY COSIGN ON THE DATING DOUBLE STANDARD and I’ll put myself out there and say it favors women slightly. #duckandcover
I’m a woman with a
hellamoderately active sex life. It’s no thang for me to weed out undesirables because I’m not thirsty enough for dick to spread ‘em for any old ninja with a debit card and a smile. So the stereotypical box society puts me in basically tells me to be pretty and chaste. Cool. I always keep my business out the streetz anyway.Men have a more complicated predicament. Men don’t get to pick and choose like women do; they have to actively try to get in them guts. On top of that, they can’t just smash out every scamp and scalawag they come across, they actually have to have skill to accompany their numbers. If a man can’t get it together in the bed, they have NO room for retries. You’re supposed to have had 50-11 partners, if it takes you longer to put on a condom than it took Fantasia Barrino to learn how to read, we have a muhfuccin problem.
I’m sorry, but I’d rather be called “promiscuous” as a woman than a shit lay as a man.
im so far gone at this ENTIRE post.
i heart your use of the word scalawag.
I think standards all depend on individuals because there are plenty of guys out there who basically look for women with good jobs & who look good so they can be the recipients of her hard earned dollars and they wouldn’t care if she has 3 kids and slept with their cousin, as long as she is making money, they are looking for somewhere to lay up and get laid….and unfortunately, many women have reversed the roles and are now taking care of men as if they were their own children, buying clothes, cars, etc. all just for the sake of having him home at night. The problem as I see it is that a paradigm shift has taken place and some women and men struggle trying to decide if we will hold on to the traditional roles and try to perserve some form of true love, chastity, and romance…..or do we settle for dysfunction to alleviate the loneliness that often comes with upward mobility?
Another double standard that I will keep a double standard is women buying men drinks or asking men out. Do I think women need to learn to smile more, say hello, and make more eye contact? Yeah, absolutely. Do we need to go out scouting for men and taking them out to dinner and asking them for their number? Heck no. Any man that thinks that it is okay for a woman to invite him out for dinner and pay has gender issues and might need to pass over the pants immediately. You all may disagree, but I’m not playing an old game with new tricks and if I have to buy a man a meal to get him…dinner for one anyone?
Tell it!
What kind of man would even let his potential girlfriend or mate purchase his dinner, drink, etc.? Oh I know, a shiftless one, a lazy one an unemployed one. Next.