in keeping with our committment to fight crime, i’d be remiss if i didn’t tell you that i was once in a relationship with a woman who later revealed herself to be completely insane. because i am still scared to death of her dont like to go in-depth about past lovers, i won’t get into any particulars, but i wanted to bring this topic up just to provide some sort of public documentation in case i end up “missing” someday show you all that the champ is human and sh*t, and how to avoid the mistakes ive made. so without further ado, heres…
….five signs you’re dealing with a crazy-ass bastard
1. you’re scared to break up…for two separate reasons:
a) what they’ll potentially do to you
and, more importantly.
b) what they’ll potentially do to themselves
“how did it last that long?”
ask anybody (myself included) who stayed in a relationship with a slightly anti-sane person this question, and they’ll all give you a variant of the same answer.
“yeah, of course, i feared that she’d delete my hard drive and grind off the heels of my ken cole dress boots if i ended it. but, to be honest, i was more scared about what she’d do to herself. sh*t, suicide, homicide, growing a shag, dating a skinhead, and publicly releasing a niagara of synthetic tears…anything was possible.”
2. you keep a list in your head of completely and hilariously random topics you try to never, ever, ever, ever bring up.
several years ago, i dated a woman who’d go batsh*t bongcrazy whenever anything having to do with vegetables was brought up.
i’m not making this up.
like lettuce and spinach and sh*t.
i once asked her why, but i lost interest once i heard the term “seattle communists” in her explanation. moral of the story: don’t date aka’s.
3. they have a list of completely and hilariously random places they’re never, ever, ever allowed to visit
chuck e cheese
madison square garden
walking across bridges
the state of delaware
within 500 yards of any post office or beer distributors
no matter how stupid the reason, crazy-ass bastards love being banned from random ass, seemingly unbanable places. its a virtual rite of passage, like confirmation for catholics and teen pregnancy for hispanics.
4. for whatever reason, sex is usually accompanied by tears
lets just say that i learned the hard way that a woman doing a naked wall-slide and sobbingly uncontrollably for ten minutes directly after an orgasm isnt a good thing, and could possibly lead to more terrifyingly hilarious behavior, and lets just leave it at that…ok?
5. …they’ve made YOU crazy too
whether it’s changing your account passwords twice a week, hacking their email just to see if they’ve hacked yours, or finding yourself apologizing for completely and utter defensible sh*t (“i’m sorry for telling you i got to work on time yesterday. i didnt realize that it would make you think about your stepfather‘s foster kids“), there’s no truer sign that you’re dating a crazy-ass bastard than the fact that you’ve started to do crazy-ass sh*t yourself, just to potentially pre-empt their craziness.
its a circle of crazy. a sphere of insanity. a loop of lunacy. a wheel of wack. a disc of dementia. a circumference of cuckoo
i’d go on, but…wait. hold up. i’ll be back. i think someone’s knocking on my window.
hmmm. thats odd. noone was there, but there’s a bucket of what looks to be chicken blood on my windowsill. i wonder why that is?
oh well. did i miss anything?