Theory & Essay

club champ

**flashback to 2006 as the young champ hits his favorite “pre-game before the club” spot.“**

10:45

we leave.

(in this case, “we” is the champ, my man, his sister, two of his female cousins…and his estranged baby-momma. quite an eclectic group. if eclectic pre-gaming groupings were “purple lips” we’d be “alex f*cking rodriquez“)

11:05:

we make it to “arts”¹, easily the best pseudo-legal spot north of the mason-dixon line to down cheap booze while dodging gunfire and skank spit.

11:06

its always a joy when women do the packed bar “put my arms in the air to make myself as “skinny” as possible while walking past and rubbing my boobs against his chest while i stare him dead in the eye like my boobs arent playing racquetball with his chest” maneuver. its actually one of my top six favorite maneuvers in any context.

11:20

"is that lasanga you're wearing"
“is that lasagna you’re wearing?”

a woman at the bar, with a somewhat intriguing princess leia thing going on with her hair, turns around, looks at me, then presses her nose to my chest and takes a sniff. puzzled and slightly frightened, i continue drinking my vitamin water™ and rum. a few moments later, she does the exact same thing, which is basically my cue to put my hand on her mid-back/rib area and whisper in her ear:

what the hell are you doing?”

princess leia, who easily had the deepest whisper of any woman ive ever met: (seriously, her whisper was a mixture of alicia keys, garfield, and God): “somebody smells good as hell”

the champ, honing in on the kill: “it’s probably me”

princess leia, sniffing again: “nah…its not”

11:40

we decide to leave

***the ladies wanted to go to “aces and deuces”,  a dirtier, pricier, and scarier version of arts, which is basically like saying “no thanks stacey dash, keep your money. i dont want to sleep with you. do me a favor, though…introduce me to courtney love. also, if you could, let her know that i hate condoms.“***

princess leia, who i bagged 10 minutes earlier, gets up from the bar stool to give me a hug, and i immediately regret my number procuring decision. honestly, in the history of mankind, has anybody ever gone from a “definite 8, possible 8.5” to a “definite 3, possible tranny” just by standing up???? in less than five seconds she went from a “nice bag” to “glen rice in drag”. maybe i should have paid more attention to the fact that her hands were bigger than my feet.

i’d continue with the story, but i’d probably face some sort of legal ramifications.

anyway, people of vsb.com…its time to share. what are some of your funniest, craziest, zaniest, club-related chronicles? don’t be scurred and sh*t.

¹it was a giant controversy in the hoods of the burgh several years ago when “nats” changed its name to “arts”. apparently “arts” made it sound “too white”. i live in a stupid f*cking city

—the champ

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • PrincesMo

    lol the voice should have tipped u off! when she stood up, could u see a package or something, what was so different pray-tell?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @PrincesMo,

      she was just really, really tall, and her standing up changed the way the lighting hit her face. apparently good light isnt friends with everybody.

      also, it was then that i noticed that her hands made her long-island look like a shot of jack

      • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com Dope Fiend

        @The Champ, ahahahaha!
        u must have been traumatized! Did your princess call you?

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Dope Fiend,

          i just got her number. luckily we didnt exchange.

          the next morning, i deleted the number and then threw my phone into a fire.

          • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com Dope Fiend

            @The Champ, well done! better safe than sorry!

      • V Renee

        @The Champ

        I’m waiting for a guy to admit that he was fooled by a tranny, but didn’t discover it until clothing came off. I KNOW there is some guy or lurker who has that story to tell.

        I just want to know if they went forward with actually doing the deed or not. And they (whoever you are) can be honest. We’re all family here :)

        • Burrito con Peyso

          @V Renee, there was a post where a guy wrote about it on another blog. I’m gonna find it

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @V Renee,

          you have a better chance getting a guy to publicly admit to having a 3 and a half inch wang

      • http://www.djednice.com DJ Ed Nice

        @The Champ,

        Remember that track Strobe Light Honey by Black Sheep? lmaooo

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @DJ Ed Nice,

          no

        • miss t-lee

          @DJ Ed Nice,
          I DO!!!! *singing* I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go!!!
          That was the one song they didn’t perform when I saw them (him) in Novemeber. I was sad.

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    dang, champ…it wasnt you?? ive always had the impression that you smell delicious!

    ive done that arm thing….i dunno…at the time it always seems like the best option. but really, im just rubbin my boobies all over folk.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @shatani,

      “im just rubbin my boobies all over folk.”

      you know, this was actually the original title of “single ladies” before matt knowles convinced beyonce to change it

    • SouthernGirl

      @shatani,

      lol. you, know i can honestly say i’ve never done this. i just squeeze through with a gentle shove/excuse me. all the while brushing the girls up against folks even though i try not to but once you hit a certain cup size you just say f^ck it and go with the flow. i ain’t got time to trying to raise hands to be skinny. it’s not gonna work anyway. lol.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @SouthernGirl,

        but once you hit a certain cup size you just say f^ck it and go with the flow

        i agree. put em on the glass

        • shay_d_lady

          @The Champ, LOL back when I was in them streets I used a similar move only my butt was my asset so I would see a guy i wanted and play the oh excuse me hands up but I would then proceed to scoot by with my butt rubbing all up against them….they would also get a hint of the cool water for women or victoria secret pear glaze I was sporting in the late “90″s……that move and F!@k wit ya girl(which came a lil later) got em errytime….

          • miss t-lee

            @shay_d_lady,
            Got ‘em coach!!!!
            *chuckling*

          • V Renee

            @shay_d_lady

            I’m still waiting for the appropiate time to use “F!@k wit ya girl”.

            I can’t wait to use it!

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @shay_d_lady,

            I used a similar move only my butt was my asset

            put it on the glass then

      • Lil’T

        @SouthernGirl,

        This is too funny. And here I was, thinkin I had the best move to get through the crowd: dance your way through. Get’s me to the ladies room quickly once the seal has been broken.

        • miss t-lee

          @Lil’T,
          That’s why you don’t break the seal!!!! :)
          Amateur.
          *sniggling*

          • SouthernGirl

            @miss t-lee,

            *snicker*

            @Lil T,

            girl, i’m telling you…crowds part like moses and the red sea.

            although with more more staring and cries of “d@mn!” (esp. when wearing certain tops)…i think im’ma have to start adding a “f^ck wit ya girl” in there too a la shay d and see how that goes. lol.

  • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

    how about when a very young GOODY was fresh out of high school and new to Houston (U of H stand up!)… I went to a “club” for the first time in my life so I got all cute in a denim dress adn some heels and sh!t you know…college freshman cute…and I swettagawt this man walked up to me…smiled…said “you a thick red piece ain’t you?” and rached under my dress, grabbed the GOODENess and sucked his fingers! All with the swiftness of some sort of cheetah/puma hybrid! I don’t know that I have ever ran so fast in 8 different directions at one time EVER in life…needless to say I was READY TO GO! but the hoochies I was with were chatting with SnackPack and letting him buy them drinks…I waited in the car for 4 hours!!! I hate thirsty b!tches!

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @GOODENess,

      Oh nooo!!! did this fella have a gold toofus and wear a cheetah print coat? He sound like Jerome from “Martin”

      • http://www.myspace.com/ka6sp9er don giovanni

        @Luvvie, HA HAHA!! The playa from the Himalayas!!

      • Me fail english?

        @Luvvie,

        Ooh ow ooh, shut ya maoooouuuuuuth!

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @Luvvie,

        I say Jerome in the house, I say Jerome in hou-house, shut yo mouth! Without a doubt!

    • PrincesMo

      @GOODENess, “you a thick red piece ain’t you?” and rached under my dress, grabbed the GOODENess and sucked his fingers! All with the swiftness of some sort of cheetah/puma hybrid!”

      OMG this almost gave me a heart attack–too funny! but that is some crazy mess. who really has the audacity to do something like that!?! it sounds like a lifetime movie with black ppl

    • shay_d_lady

      @GOODENess, girllllll….thats ridiculous..I bet he was old..that sounds like an old playa in the members only jacket move…..

    • Resident GRitS

      @GOODENess,

      …I am both disgusted and sympathetic.

      Sorry to hear that u were so violated on ur 1st time out.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Resident GRitS,

        “…I am both disgusted and sympathetic.”

        i was gonna jab somebody with this, but its been a good morning so far. i think i’m a chill

      • SouthernGirl

        @GOODENess,Resident GRitS,

        wooooooooow. i’m gonna have to go with RG on this one. i am stunned. and somehow not at all surprised. ninjas and bullsh!t…

    • iloVEGrits

      @GOODENess,

      YOU DIDN’T KICK HIM IN THE NUTS? BREAK A BOTTLE ON THE BAR AND RAM THE JAGGED EDGE INTO HIS GUTS???? WHAT????

      • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

        @iloVEGrits, nah, but hindsight is 20/20…it was my first time in a club EVER and I was so shocked that it happened I just started running around like a dufus…I was only 18 years old…my complee GOODY-ness had not yet kicked in…there would have been some smoke in the city if it had…

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @GOODENess,

          it was my first time in a club EVER and I was so shocked that it happened I just started running around like a dufus

          lol…did you think that the cooch grab was commonplace?

    • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….

      @GOODENess, Unfortunately, I can believe that and see that happening to you or any youngin going to the club for the first time. It is disgusting!! That dude is lucky he didn’t get cut….

      • miss t-lee

        @N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….,
        OH hell naw!!!!
        This definitely deserves a throat punch.

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @GOODENess, My mouth is wide open!!!! Too shocking for words.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @GOODENess,

      “I hate thirsty b!tches!”

      me too, goodygood. me too.

    • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com Dope Fiend

      @GOODENess, “I don’t know that I have ever ran so fast in 8 different directions at one time EVER in life” DYING!
      You thought twice before you ever stepped out into a club in a skirt the next time huh. lol

      Joke is its not even funny, dude is nasty! and them hoochies you was with, hmmmmm! choopid gyal dem!

    • nikiloveli

      @GOODENess,

      I hope you never went out with them again. Trifling skanks!

    • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

      @GOODENess, Did those hoochies ever graduate?

    • http://www.itssaulewright.blogspot.com Saule Wright

      @GOODENess,

      ew…I’m sorry dear, that sucks.

      Sometimes someone does something so offensive, you can’t even react. I’m sure if you could get the flux capacitor and do 88…he’d catch a bad one.

  • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

    I think that this has to be the funniest post I’ve ever read on this site. Especially since I’m a native and have frequented all the spots you’ve name dropped in this post… i can say no more to protect the innocent… I’ll just say that there is a very good reason that I don’t drink tequila or apple-tinis… or anything tinis..

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @pgh muse,

      “Especially since I’m a native and have frequented all the spots you’ve name dropped in this post”

      even aces and deuces???

      • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

        @The Champ, I’ve been there once or twice. Don’t judge me. I’m still protecting the innocent.

    • Voiceofreason

      @pgh muse,

      You’ve been to Aces and Deuces? I’ve never heard of that place and I have no idea where it is. I’m in my second year of living in Pittsburgh as an adult and I can say with great certainty that 1601 (formerly Sin) is one of the worst establishments I’ve ever seen. It looks like a bar that used to be a juke joint that used to be apart of the underground railroad. Somehow I ended up there with my cousin one night. I stood next to a cop the whole time just in case.

      • Gem Possible

        NOT “It looks like a bar that used to be a juke joint that used to be apart of the underground railroad.”

        i’m done.

      • Me fail english?

        @Voiceofreason,
        It looks like a bar that used to be a juke joint that used to be apart of the underground railroad.

        *DEAD*

      • luvtheshoes

        @Voiceofreason,

        “It looks like a bar that used to be a juke joint that used to be apart of the underground railroad.”

        Dead! Between Goodeness’ cheetah hoof grab and this, I’m totally crying at my desk from laughing so hard

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Voiceofreason,

        beware of any club in the burgh thats named after a number

      • V Renee

        @Voiceofreason

        “I stood next to a cop the whole time just in case.”

        HAHAHAHA!

        Sadly this doesn’t work in cincy. Mofo’s here will just shoot at the cops too.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @V Renee,

          Sadly this doesn’t work in cincy. Mofo’s here will just shoot at the cops too.

          sadly, this is no hyperbole, lol

      • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

        @Voiceofreason, lmao. Sin City? Yeah. If we’re talking about the same place… yeah. Definitely a no go. I’ve been there once in my early twenties… (all of my bar hopping escapades occurred during my childless early early 20′s don’t judge me) I don’t remember which cousin/girlfriend/co-worker thought it was a good idea to hang all night and visit that death trap… but yeah. Never again. If there are no lights, people, or bouncers than its a definite no go.

  • maria

    8 to definite 3 just by standing up sounds like too many long island ice teas and sh*t, and as far as i’m concerned anyone rocking princess leia hair definitely has suspect *raised eyebrow* inclinations…

    most memorable, make me smile when I think back on them days, was the brownie/cupcake lady who could be found every Tuesday/Thursday nite @ local lounge in Chi. yea I was young, having just turned 21, but I swear best $5.00 investment that guarnteed a full night of chill, mellow, laughing good times.

    Plus everyone at that spot welcomed and knew that 60 yr old walking bakery woman…even anticipated her arrival…never found anything like that scene since…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @maria,

      8 to definite 3 just by standing up sounds like too many long island ice teas and sh*t

      i’m sure the vitamin water and rum altered my depth perception.

      and sanity

      • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

        @The Champ, You are really working this Vitamin Water angle! Hustle!!!!

      • http://cornellwestside.blogspot.com/ Cornell Westside

        @The Champ,

        check out a movie called “The Boys & Girls Guide to Getting Down”

        Plenty of vsb worthy blog fodder. You’re all welcome.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Cornell Westside,

          thanks and sh*t

  • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

    You are indeed a Vitamin Water Slutbucket (aka Slucket). Someone get this man an endorsement b4 he sells the soul of his first daughter to Hugh Hefner

    And BWAHAHAHA @ this entire post. I gotta think bout if I have a zany story. In the meantime, I shall enjoy reading others’

    I await: Deviant, Eff Yo Couch, NaturallyAlise especially. Oh, and WuDa. They got the BEST tales.

    *Pulls up chair & orders Garrett’s Caramel & Cheese popcorn (more caramel please)

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      @Luvvie,
      Wait for real Garet’s ? You don’t mess w/ Nuts on Clark?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @WuDaMan,

        You don’t mess w/ Nuts on Clark?

        please don’t expound

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @WuDaMan,

        No, I surely dont mess with “Nuts on Clark”. I’m a Garrett’s Girl

        P.S. Champ, “Nuts on Clark” is the name of a peanut and popcorn shop. It could also be the… ya know what, I’mo leave it alone

        *whistles away*

  • Gem Possible

    i’m ~110% sure i’d never be caught dead or alive in/at/around Art’s.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Gem Possible,

      not even if i have the vsb happy hour there?

      • Gem Possible

        nope.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Gem Possible,

          as long as you rocked a vest, i think you’d have a ball at arts

  • http://blackwomanlost.blogspot.com/ Naturally Alise

    There once was a lovely, poetic, hosh*t diva named 19 yr. old Alise, who ran with a band of sluttacious whores (I told y’all months ago that they run in packs) and hit a club called Power Company on $3 college night (Power company is a Durham, NC legend, but any-hoo) … all of that has nothing to do with anything by the way, just got lost on memory lane and shyt… So we are dancing drinking heavily with our underage selves and every man in that club tried to step up to my crew, and we turned them all down, like ignorantly and rudely, but the encounter that stands out in my mind is this one, bc he actually deserved it:

    Swamp Donkey Fella: Hey grrrrrrrl, you shole is fine, and you got dem di*k sucking lips (*DEAD*)

    Tanya: uh whaaaaaaaa?

    Swamp DOnkey Fella: you heard me? anyway what yo name is?

    Tanya: Ni**a please…. hey Alise tell him what my name is

    Alise: She ain’t got no naaaaaaaame , get da fugg outta here…

    Swamp Donkey Fella: I don’t know what’s wrong wit y’all bit**es, don’t know a real man when you see one.

    Us: BWAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAA!!!

    …dang i miss college.

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @Naturally Alise, “{Swamp Donkey Fella: Hey grrrrrrrl, you shole is fine, and you got dem di*k sucking lips (*DEAD*)”

      Charm school, anyone?

      • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com Dope Fiend

        @Nicki Sunshine, gurl what you talking about?

        Swamp Donkey was clearly the king of charm!

        • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

          @Dope Fiend, LOL.. I have it all backwards. Maybe I been lookin for the wrong type of man!!!!!

  • http://myspace.com/igotastory meleka a.k.a Resident Late Poster(rlp)

    First of all, let me say that the nerd in me is loving the footnote style of writing you having going on this week. Second, i have a couple of good stories but my brain doesn’t work past midnight. I’ll b back sometime today.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @meleka a.k.a Resident Late Poster(rlp),

      take your time and sh*t

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        @The Champ,

        take your time and sh*t

        EEWWW (yes, I’m 4)

    • http://myspace.com/igotastory meleka a.k.a Resident Late Poster(rlp)

      @meleka a.k.a Resident Late Poster(rlp),

      days later…

      Soph. yr. of college this group of guys from school would throw parties at this local hole in the wall called mt. kenya. This was my first time in a club setting and boy was it memorable-dancing on top of couches, having the whole club doing the cabbage patch & the kid-n-play (hey they were playing oldies) and taking some of my first underaged sips.

      Or the time my friend almost got us kicked out of a club in ny for underaged drinking. The funniest thing is I did the jedi mind trick on the bouncer and it totally worked. Imagine a 20 yr old leek screaming at the top of her lungs “we ain’t drinkin sh!t, let him smell your breath!” By then I had caught a whiff of her breath and couldn’t smell a thing anyway. We walked away from him and she ended up going to get more lol.

      Oh and i’ve also had a dude lick my neck in the club. The disturbing part of it all is that he was like 4’11. I didn’t know if i should b disgusted or if i should’ve turned around and burped him.

  • shay_d_lady

    this que was trying to talk to me and everytime I hit the floor he got right up behind me and started grinding his dyck on me.. I got pissed cussed him out and told him some variation of get the F!@k out of my face with yo lil dyck or something and this ninja strips down to gold lame bikini’s and spends the rest of the night steppin in his panties and matching gold boots…..LOL I aint gone lie I gave him my number but I realized later that what I thought was this ninja being crazy and carefree wasnt what it seemed that ninja slick had autism or was just plain mentally retarded…like for real

    • Resident GRitS

      @shay_d_lady,

      PAAAAA-HA-HA-HA!! Girl, I am ROLLin!

      …best post of the night.

    • iloVEGrits

      @shay_d_lady,

      gagging on pineapple upside down cake. this is some funny shyt, ya heard me?

    • Ro

      @shay_d_lady, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

    • Lil’T

      @shay_d_lady,

      O SH*T! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

    • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      @shay_d_lady, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!! that is sme classic type sh!t right there!!! autism my ni99a?? (smh)

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @shay_d_lady, I am in tears! This is tv show material.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @shay_d_lady,

      LOL I aint gone lie I gave him my number

      lol…so did the boots convince you, or the matching man-thong?

      • shay_d_lady

        @The Champ, LOL it was probably that seagrams hunch punch gin and juice…LOL so glad my drinking has become more refined….

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @shay_d_lady,

          seagrams hunch punch gin and juice

          this actually sounds pretty good

      • http://www.itssaulewright.blogspot.com Saule Wright

        @The Champ,

        That’s what got me…she gave him the number AFTER he got his inner skrippa on. lmao

    • Burrito con Peyso

      @shay_d_lady, ROOOOOOOOO to the QUUUUEEESSS. He did what it took to get the number

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @shay_d_lady,

      LMAO!! Im mad you gave this fool ur number. Did he call?

      • shay_d_lady

        @Luvvie, yes and thats how I found out he was mentally challenged…..LOL he was fine though…

    • http://headedintherightdirection.blogspot.com Liryc

      @shay_d_lady, lmfao.. I am going to get in trouble at my job for this one.. I busted out laughing.. My boss is seriously going to fire me!! LMFAO LMFAO

      Those que’s and those gold man thongs will get you er time!!

    • ofloveandotherdemons

      @shay_d_lady,
      WTF!!! This story just made my day. Thank you.