Theory & Essay

Closure and The Big Owe.

ballNloopClosure*By the way, in this post I’m using this logic:  She believes she deserves closure, so he owes it to her.  That’s why owe and deserve are used almost interchangeably.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a long running debate with a friend of mine about the way her relationship ended and the fact she, like many people before her – both men and women – didn’t receive any closure.  Essentially, she has no idea what happened.  All she knows is that it was all good just a week ago.

Dude used to be her homey.  Now he acts like he don’t even know she.

One of the biggest problems with most breakups that don’t end because of some sort of landmark event – think cheating, spitting on mom dukes, pulling a Kanye – is that one person is always going to end up with more questions than answers.

Why did we break up?  What really happened?  Why did you just stop calling?  Was it something I did?  Was it something you did?

Basically, there is a big whiskey tango foxtrot hanging around for much longer than it needs to be.  Now the central argument me and my friend are having is that she believes she deserves closure.  She thinks that she should have answers to her questions.  Even if she already knows the answers (me and others have pretty much told her what happened) she still wants to hear it from him.

For some reason, people always want to hear it directly from the source.  We just want to know that our feelings are confirmed so we can justify our pissedoffedness.  To them.

Only problem is that I don’t think she is owed sh*t.

Now that might sound slightly coldblooded but the truth is they aren’t together anymore; why should he tell her anything?  She’s pissed at him and really, the only reason she wants to know is so that she can stop making up the answers in her head and so that she can probably vent on him.  Which is fair, I suppose.  Except dude wants nothing to do with answering her questions or answering to her.  Once you’re broken up, the ability to scream on anybody is rendered moot.  I feel like once you’re broken up, you don’t have to put up with anybody’s anger or unhappiness.  Which is why I don’t think she’s owed anything.

Sure it would be nice if he’d fess up to the fact that (it seems) he just decided he wasn’t interested anymore.  But nice has nothing to do with what she’s deserved.  I feel like you deserve second chances.  You deserve warm weather and a shot at success.  You deserve ice cream.  And if you’re in a relationship, you deserve answers.

Once that last part of the equation is out of whack, well, you get what you get.  And most of the time that’s nothing.

Closure is an interesting process.  By breaking up with somebody, you get your closure.  You’ve closed the door on that chapter for as long as it may stay closed.  You are essentially cleansing yourself of a situation that did not bring you joy.  But what about the other person?  In my mind, once you’re broken up, its the time when you should be the most selfish.  What do you owe it to somebody else to ease their mind?  Further, why subject yourself to their constant questioning and nitpicking and ultimate, anger, over what you’ve done.

This isn’t exactly what happened with her by the way, she dropped her dude because he started acting like a p*ssy, but it speaks to the larger point.  She dropped him because he essentially went AWOL on her in every possible way.  She had no choice but she wants to know why he became who he is now towards her.  And its become the case of constant pisstivity (thanks to current social networking practices) because she can keep up with him and see him living his life fine while she’s still trying to figure out just what the f*ck happened.

She just wants to know why.  And that’s fair.  But I don’t think it will add anything to her life anyway aside from another reason to be mad at him.  For some reason, most women (and some men) swear that knowing the truth will somehow make things better.

This is not so and never has been the case.  The truth only makes the pain shorter in duration. It does not negate the pain.

Anyway, my suggestion?  Just let the dude be a p*ssy.  But he doesn’t owe her anything.

But maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe everybody is owed an explanation.  And I’ve been there before and wanted one, and at the time I thought it deserved it.  But truly, that person owed me nothing.  We’re not friends now and never will be.

So what say you VSBs and VSSs?

Are we owed closure?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • http://thinkprettysmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

    We want respect but aren’t owed it. Sometimes we get it (when someone doesn’t hire you they send you a not, make a call, leave a message).

    If I were her, I would leave it alone and never speak of it again. Why? Because once you’re broken up, men EXPECT you to seek closure. It feeds the ego. “She must’ve really liked me. Ergo, I must be the shyt.” But if upon break up, the woman does NOTHING, the man will come to her offering closure. BTW, closure doesn’t exist. It’s some BS mags have made up.

    • charli skipp

      @Ms. Smart,
      I agree with this whole comment. Easier said than done, but I agree.

    • http://thoughtsparadigm.blogspot.com afterthought

      @Ms. Smart,

      What she needs is a rebound brotha. Even if dude (her ex) comes to her and says “listen, I changed because of …..”, she still won’t know anything. Is he lying? Is he just trying to get her to stop stalking him? Is he trying to piss her off more?

      But don’t act like its just men who feed on that ego thing. Women do that same ish. They be wantin for you to be cryin over them just so that when they and their next man break up they can have you to fall back on.

      This whole dating game is just a ****ed up experience.

      • http://thinkprettysmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

        @afterthought, I disagree wholeheartedly with the rebound dude. Once he’s gone, she’s going to be dealing with TWO ‘break-ups’. She needs to grieve now, not one chex partner from now. A simple way of doing it would be to grieve for one week for every year they were together. Any additional months remaining beyond that, she can grieve one day for each. After that, pretend he died. I know it sounds morbid but it works.

        Also, I wouldn’t know what women do per se because I have never dated one. But I guess they could be on some ego stroking ride too.

        • http://thoughtsparadigm.blogspot.com afterthought

          @Ms. Smart,

          You’re advocating prolonged grieving? I know about putting the “ZZZZZZ” in front of their name to make sure that I don’t call them one night, and I know about moping around asking my friends “what happened?”. Other than that, I know about moving on. And the only way to move on is to get back into the dating pool and see whats up.

          • Smiley Face

            @afterthought,

            LMAO @ “I know about putting the “ZZZZZZ” in front of their name”

          • http://thinkprettysmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

            @afterthought, OK so that read very literal. I DID NOT mean it literally. Well, the death part, I did. But I mean that you need to accept this as a loss and give yourself a set time to grieve. Focus on you, not the dude.

            But…

            If you find yourself wondering, trust that it’s a loss for the man too. He just started the disengagement and grieving process before you knew what was happening.

        • http://andeyewonder.blogspot.com K to the…

          @Ms. Smart,

          A simple way of doing it would be to grieve for one week for every year they were together. Any additional months remaining beyond that, she can grieve one day for each.

          Definitely don’t agree with that. But to each his own…

          • http://thinkprettysmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

            @K to the…, OK so that read very literal. I DID NOT mean it literally. Well, the death part, I did. But I mean that you need to accept this as a loss and give yourself a set time to grieve. Focus on you, not the dude.

            But…

            If you find yourself wondering, trust that it’s a loss for the man too. He just started the disengagement and grieving process before you knew what was happening.

      • Me fail english?

        @afterthought,

        I agree. Which is why I never seek closure. For all you kno his asz is gonna lie. If he’s a real jerk he may even twist the knife a lil deeper to get a reaction out of you. If somebody stalked me out for closure, esp if Im tired of dealing wit they ass, I’d deliberately say smthg mean so they’d leave me alone for good. (Maybe I’m a jerk…). I dont like being made to feel I OWE anybody anything. I’ve never given birth.

        Also, what if somebody just cant articulate their feelings well and you still wind up with little to no answers? I guess the real reason I never seek closure is cause I dont believe a dude can tell me anything I didnt already know. I doubt these women/men are hearing anything they didnt guess within the first 5 minutes of hearing the news. Gluttons for punishment.

        • http://thoughtsparadigm.blogspot.com afterthought

          @Me fail english?,

          I’ll just add that I know a lot of intellectual people who can turn ANYTHING into an argument, and they start using logic and reason to argue about things. But thats ignoring the emotions involved in it. So yeah, like you said, sometimes it can be REAL hard to talk to them about your feelings cause they may try to use logic to convince you that your feelings are wrong.

          That make sense to you, cause it makes no sense to me.

          • Me fail english?

            @afterthought,

            Makes perfect sense. The reason I avoid long, detailed talks when in a break-up is cause it either turns into a venting session (“You’re not so hot yourself!”) or a debate (“I was NEVER mean to your cat and here’s the diagram that proves it!”) . Eff outta here, dude! These stupid ass convos are why Im opting out of future convos.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @Me fail english?, for me i think thats part of the problem. generally, you already know. but people just want to hear it so they can say “this ninja admitted xyz…”

          nobody is going to change their life behind the person that is no longer apart of their life. even if its true, it loses credibility b/c of the source. its really a pointless exercise in masochistic behavior.

        • http://thinkprettysmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

          @Me fail english?, Jerk? Yeah maybe. LOL

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @Ms. Smart,

      “We want respect but aren’t owed it. Sometimes we get it (when someone doesn’t hire you they send you a not, make a call, leave a message). ”

      Well, like respect we can “earn” closure. I think closure is earned when you’ve put time, effort, and YOUR HEART into a relationship. It ain’t cool to abruptly drop someone without telling them why after everything they’ve put into you and the relationship.

      • http://thinkprettysmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

        @Cheekie, It’s not cool but you can’t force someone to give you validation of your feelings, reasons for the break-up, etc. And sometimes you have to accept that the person you were with doesn’t feel you’re worth enough to have your questions answered. In doing that, you have to accept that maybe, just maybe, you didn’t know the person as well as you thought, or you didn’t mean as much as you thought you meant to the person.

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @Ms. Smart,

          “It’s not cool but you can’t force someone to give you validation of your feelings, reasons for the break-up, etc.”

          Yup, you’re right. You can’t force anyone to do anything, actually. I’m just saying it’s not cool. Which, it still isn’t, no matter what I can or cannot do about it. If someone just said “no” to my request to explain their reasoning, I’d just have to accept it, call that person a jacka*s and move forward. Bygones and whatnot. lol

    • Sula

      @Ms. Smart,

      I don’t know if we aren’t owed respect… but I agree with the general premise that we aren’t owed anything… especially not “closure”…

  • http://thebeautifulstruggler.com Sister Toldja

    Yes, she IS owed closure. But I am pretty sure that I owe the Howard University library sistem $20 bucks for that New Edition biography I checked out for no reason, but they will never get it.

    It’s good for your karma. It’s good for the other person and the subsequent people they date. He’s a coward. So am I, riding this same situation in reverse and trying to find the courage to do the right thing (I didn’t cut him off, I thought we was just done, but I was wrong…long story, not for the webs).

    She can just do what a lot of victims (real or percieved) do and rest comfortably in the space of moral victory. HE was wrong for not formally ending things. HE is an ass. Hopefully, she can move forward and not obsess over the ‘whys’ and ‘what fors’. Easier said than done though.

    Men have a hard time hurting you face to face (or via the phone). Even when they don’t want to hurt you, like most living things, their first obligation is to protect themselves. And hurting someone…hurts. So, he may be trying to save himself the pain of owning up to the pain he cause. Or maybe is just an asshole and could care less.

    Either way…sister, PLEASE do not make your friends spend hours on the phone trying to figure out why he did it, will he come back, etc. Do NOT call or text him. He knows you want to speak to him and he is avoiding you. Don’t give him the pleasure or pain of hearing you plead for answers. Here is the only answer you need: it.is.over. F^ck him. Actually….do NOT ever f^ck him again. You are too fly to be depressed (C. Sister Ne-Yo). Have your mourning period and then have your morning. Move on. You deserve better.

    • Selah

      @Sister Toldja,

      lmao at Sister Ne-Yo…. and uhmmm where were you with this knowledge when I was 20 and heartbroken??? lol

      Now that I know how not to act after a break up, I feel like I’m waiting for my next relationship… just so it can end, and I can prove I’m good at breaking up. lol.

    • superwoman

      @Sister Toldja, lol, sweetie, return harvards property to them, it’s the right thing do do!

      • overit

        @superwoman, returning the book would be the right thing to do, but, i think you can cite issues with administration/financial aid/and walking up hills as justification, lol.

    • overit

      @Sister Toldja, MY GIRL!

      “Either way…sister, PLEASE do not make your friends spend hours on the phone trying to figure out why he did it, will he come back, etc. Do NOT call or text him. He knows you want to speak to him and he is avoiding you. Don’t give him the pleasure or pain of hearing you plead for answers. Here is the only answer you need: it.is.over. F^ck him. Actually….do NOT ever f^ck him again. You are too fly to be depressed (C. Sister Ne-Yo). Have your mourning period and then have your morning. Move on. You deserve better.”

      This was golden, if sista is reading this, I hope she internalizes your words. I’m with you, I may be hurt, crying, but only my closest will see it. Aint no man worth spending a moment depressed, especially when I know he could care less, or even worse, is too coward to come clean.

    • Gem of the Ocean

      @Sister Toldja,

      i’m just amazed Howard let you graduate with a bill. if i owed $0.13 to Spelman College they wouldn’t hand over my degree until my remaining balance was paid in full lol

      • http://thinkprettysmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

        @Gem of the Ocean, They probably couldn’t find a record of her still having the book. Oh but trust, if she needs a transcript 15 years from now, they will tell her she needs to pay for that book before she gets anything.

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

      @Sister Toldja,
      Man, I missed you ’round these parts.

      And I couldn’t have said it better myself.

    • Miss Patterson

      @Sister Toldja, chuuuurch!

      also in regards to this: “PLEASE do not make your friends spend hours on the phone trying to figure out why he did it, will he come back, etc.” i’ve been on the receiving end and guilty of this. and my experience has told me that even your best friends don’t want to hear you whine for longer than 2 weeks. after that, they set up their phones, text and chat programs with auto responses. lol. ‘hours’ are reserved for therapy.

    • Islama-Loans

      @Sister Toldja,

      sometimes we speak of men like they’re cowardly lions without hearts. if you’ve been in relationship with someone for an extended amount of time, there has to be feelings associated with it. hell even if you’ve been in a situationship (with a married woman) for a time, there are still feelings.

      in the case of the “coward” im sure he is hurt to some extent by the situation. it could be easier to break it off. hell, im assuming he told her he didn’t want to be there anymore… i mean what else is there to say? if you rob a bank and get caught, you don’t ask the cop’per why he’s throwing you in the slammer. she has to have some inclination as to why sun is leaving her like Lucky left Chicago.

      we must admit that break ups are tough. men and woman both suck at it… women will break up with you, take you back and break up with you again for the same thing that she left for in the first place. let’s keep it funky people, people are terrible. its no science to an easy break up.

    • shay_d_lady

      @Sister Toldja, Love this post

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Sister Toldja, Men have a hard time hurting you face to face (or via the phone). Even when they don’t want to hurt you, like most living things, their first obligation is to protect themselves. And hurting someone…hurts. So, he may be trying to save himself the pain of owning up to the pain he cause. Or maybe is just an asshole and could care less.

      i pretty much think that sums up the whole situation right there. right or wrong (mostly wrong) it is one of those man vs woman things that we all know but hate to acknowledge. he just didnt want to tell her the truth and forced her hand. now he’s happily unattached to her while she’s got me writing posts on VSB.

      • http://twitter.com/olivya23 olivya23

        @Panama Jackson, although this is a punk-a** move, he should write her a letter. It’s impersonal he can mail it and POOF disappear. And she can have some sort of answer. But then again, that would take time out of his life and show that he cares – so I guess it defeats the purpose.

        Then again I wonder what I would do if a dude wrote me a letter after we broke up. I guess it all depends on the situation.

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @Sister Toldja,

      “Have your mourning period and then have your morning.”

      I LOVE the way you put this. Glad to see ya ’round here again.

    • http://ravingblacklunatic.blogspot.com Big Man

      @Sister Toldja,

      You had the book? Man, I hate you, I wanted to read all about Bobby.

      Sike

  • inHIcotton

    “I feel like once you’re broken up, you don’t have to put up with anybody’s anger or unhappiness. Which is why I don’t think she’s owed anything…And if you’re in a relationship, you deserve answers.”
    So the proposed rule is that accountability to the partner is deserved only during the relationship — not after. A woman can go from deserving answers to deserving no answers via a break up that is outside her own control (ie she got dumped). A man can go from owing answers to owing no answers via a break up that is his own unilateral decision.

    In reality, ppl disclose what they want known, whether involved in a rltnsp or not. Forget “deserve.” Forget “owe.”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @inHIcotton, So the proposed rule is that accountability to the partner is deserved only during the relationship — not after. A woman can go from deserving answers to deserving no answers via a break up that is outside her own control (ie she got dumped). A man can go from owing answers to owing no answers via a break up that is his own unilateral decision.

      right or wrong, i think this is all absolutely right.

  • superwoman

    i guess, if i REALLY think about it – we’re not OWED closure, as such- but it’s a mature and respectful gesture to at least let someone know why you’re ending things – it’s not like you have to go into a world of detail, either – just let them know respectfully – but damn, LET THEM KNOW.

    unless things were really crappy, you wouldn’t just walk out of your job, would you? you’d tender your resignation like a thinking, mature adult and keep it moving. why would you treat your (soon to be ex) significant lover any differently. (again, if things were really shi!tty, feel free to disappear into the dark night with no explanation whatsoever…. let them put the pieces together)

    i really don’t rate people who can’t even get it together to have a 10 minute conversation about why they’re ending a relationship, i mean WTF? just seems cowardly and immature to me.

    PLUS it lessens your chances of a deranged ex screeching your name at your doorstep at 3am (this happened to a friend of mine when we were in high school. we were in 11th grade, she was second year college – he still lived at home, and his parents were STRICT. this woman showed up, screaming buck naked at his doorstep! at 3am!! …. in mbabane, swaziland! i wish i could make you understand within this context how scandalous that was, swaziland’s quite conservative…

    the poor guy was in such trouble with his folks who were CONVINCED that he’d done her some grevous ill for her to flip out like that… we all killed ourselves laughing at school on some ‘you should’ve just taken ten minutes out to break up with her!!!’

    because his parents were so sympathetic to her, she milked it for all it was worth – they brought her into the house, lent her his sisters clothes, gave her a cuppa tea and scones… she ended up staying for THREE WEEKS!!! he hated going home, and hung out on campus after school with us boarders for as long as he could… ha ha ha, just remembering it, i kill myself laughing all over again.

    i guess this long-a$$ reminiscence is why i’m a big fan of closure.

    • Gem of the Ocean

      @superwoman,

      i completely co-sign your 1st 3 paragraphs. my exact thoughts. goomh.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @superwoman, i guess, if i REALLY think about it – we’re not OWED closure, as such- but it’s a mature and respectful gesture to at least let someone know why you’re ending things – it’s not like you have to go into a world of detail, either – just let them know respectfully – but damn, LET THEM KNOW.

      i feel you but that’s completely unrealistic. you’re telling me that you actually believe dude can just say to her “i wasn’t feeling you anymore” and she’d leave it alone? there’s not a woman alive who’s going to start a line of questioning and leave it there. for one, no answer is really going to be good enough at the time. sure, 7 months later she’ll say, well at least he was honest, but for now, it’s a sting of “whys” and insufficient responses.

      there’s no reason in hell any dude should put himself in front of hte firing squad out of “respect” for a chick he has no desires to deal with ever again. let’s be real…it’s not like she’s going to really feel any better about it anyway.

      • http://twitter.com/Stank_0 Stank-0

        @Panama Jackson,

        i feel you but that’s completely unrealistic. you’re telling me that you actually believe dude can just say to her “i wasn’t feeling you anymore” and she’d leave it alone?

        That’s gospel truth right there. It can’t be done. I think any angry break up is best for everyone. She get some sort of moral high ground and he gets to move on. It’s the fuel to power her through it all.

        I think a big part is (most) men cannot just heartlessly hurt a woman’s feelings. I can’t hurt a complete strangers’ feelings. It must be the tears and the fact I don’t want to see them. I can’t talk to a woman like I do my boys with a “Man the Eff up!”

    • Sula

      @superwoman,

      I agree that it’s a “nice” thing to have and do. But, bottom line is she is NOT owed anything at all.

      People get in real trouble when they start walking around expecting stuff.

      (Wrong) Expectations are the mother of most f*ck ups.

  • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

    Closure is a load of crap. We (me) say that because it is what you are supposed to say. It is not like if a guy told me he left me because of some aspect of my personality that I would change it. People need to open their eyes that some relationships just end because you are not compatible, simple as that. Conversely, some relationships end over things that if the guy/girl told you exactly, it would crush your spirit and deeply hurt you. Honestly, I’d rather not know. The truth may set you free, but what fun is free with a limping a$$ spirit?…

    • Humble_One aka $5 Footlong

      @Naturally Alise,

      I want to know why that person not wanting you anymore is not enough? Thats all I need.

      • Sula

        @Humble_One aka $5 Footlong,

        I want to know why that person not wanting you anymore is not enough? Thats all I need.

        Word.Life.

    • Smiley Face

      @Naturally Alise,

      Co-Sign!! It’s not even the not-knowing because if we can’t discuss things while in this relationship what makes you think we’re going to discuss problems outside of this relationship.

      How many times do you need the other person to ‘tell’ you to kiss their @ss before you finally understand.

      • Me fail english?

        @Smiley Face,

        Cosign all of this isht!

        Why does all communication have to be verbal? There’s plenty in his actions that says (Im assuming) “I dont want to be around you”.

        As for the truth setting you free, I’m not sure I can even agree with that. When I was younger I used to ruminate over all the isht going on in my rel’ships (romantic or otherwise). Then I figured out it was a waste of time because:

        a) Im my own biggest critic. If there’s something about me you see as flawed and I havent taken steps to change it… that’s cause I dont see it as a flaw and wont be changing it.

        b)If you tell me smthg negative it’ll just add insult to injury and I’ll be even MORE pissed. I’d imagine a less confrontational person becoming insecure about perceived flaw.

        c) Until you stop contacting the person, for any reason, you haven’t begun the “move-on” process which is where closure really begins.

        d) I just dont like the idea of lecturing or being lectured on all the isht that’s wrong with you/me. And if it’s not a lecture it’s a damn debate. Like someone mentioned above, if I was interested in still debating you I wouldnta broke up in the first.

        Panama’s friend’s boyfriend is lame as hell. And as her boyfriend I think he DID owe it to her to break-up. But now that it’s over she’s better off leaving it alone. The closure talk has been known to bring up just as many new questions (read:insecurities) as it answers.

        • Smiley Face

          @Me fail english?,

          Exactly!

        • Gem of the Ocean

          @Me fail english?,

          i definitely feel you on this list. i’m very similar. except, i still ruminate on stuff, even though i know its a waste of time. i’m a prisoner of my own thoughts. tryna work on that (i recognize this not as a flaw but as a counterproductive mechanism i need to get over).

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Naturally Alise, if this comment was a hot dog. i’d put some ketchup and mustard on it and then sell it in NYC while Alicia Keys sang really loud about the fact that NY is where dreams were made of.

  • kidSistah

    Well, maybe I just think if you cared enough to be with someone, you should maybe care enough to ease their mind a little. But that is completely one-sided logic…cuz I will quickly say what I have to say and let that be it. But because I said ANYthing that should be sufficient for closure, right?
    Whatever. Your friend should let it go. But that is a lot easier said than done…sometimes.

    • http://cookinwitgrease.com ChasDizz

      @kidSistah, “Well, maybe I just think if you cared enough to be with someone, you should maybe care enough to ease their mind a little.”

      word.

      but this also depends on the type of relationship u had. i.e. if you’re in a serious relationship with someone for 2 years and one day it all falls apart “out of the blue” then i feel like perhaps they deserve a bit of an explanation. but if it’s a 4 month thing that was meant to be a 2 week thing that just somehow got extended…well perhaps u don’t owe them too much.

      however, you can usually see these things coming a mile away and should rarely be surprised once it gets to the point of breaking up.

      • Me fail english?

        @ChasDizz,

        I agree. I find it hard to grasp the concept of a couple being close, happy, etc. and then one day the guy just never calls back. Esp. if the friends are chiming in with answers. On the low, I just think ppl who seek closure are looking for a way to re-open the lines of communication. Not necessarily cuz they wanna get back together. Just cause they’re so used to being in couple mode that they’re reluctant to really hit the off-switch. Some couples break up a few times before the final, permanent one. So it doesnt always feel totally over (read: you havent been officially dumped) til they cut off contact completely.

        Problem is they guy who wanted out doesnt WANT to communicate. I think we owe it to ppl we’re not in relationships with to release the vise grip on their balls and other anatomy.

    • http://thoughtsparadigm.blogspot.com afterthought

      @kidSistah,

      Lets be real. Relationships ain’t all golden. Its not all one side is the devil and one side is an angel. Both sides piss each other off over and over again. Mos once said “why did one straw break the camel’s back? Here’s a secret, there’s a million other straws underneath it”.

      This breakup was probably coming for him for weeks if not months, but she probably didn’t see it because she was so focused on how imperfect that ninja was that she didn’t even question to herself what her problems may be. But that other ninja prolly realized that stuff. And when that last straw hit he was prolly like ‘peace’.

      • Smiley Face

        @afterthought,

        “This breakup was probably coming for him for weeks if not months, but she probably didn’t see it because she was so focused on how imperfect that ninja was that she didn’t even question to herself what her problems may be. But that other ninja prolly realized that stuff. And when that last straw hit he was prolly like ‘peace’.”

        AMEN!!! Folks see what they want to see.

  • Over It

    I am currently in the exact same situation and really appreciated your blog on the subject but I don’t feel like I am owed anything. As the last comment said it is about respect. If you just weren’t interested anymore why not just say that instead of the not calling, ignoring stuff. That to me is childish. Respect me enough to tell me the truth, that is all I have ever asked of anyone. I have no desire to vent on someone. I just want to understand so that I can do/be better for the next man.

    • overit

      @Over It,

      ……………

      • Gem of the Ocean

        @overit,

        lol

      • http://stickwithyocat.blogspot.com/ V.E.G.

        @overit,

        So now there’s big Over It and little overit?

        Confused.

        • Smiley Face

          @V.E.G.,

          like the big and little joker, lol

          • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

            @Smiley Face, LMAO

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Smiley Face,

            LMFAO…this is actually very apt. overit IS quite the jokester.

            Now, I’m picturing two overits with the word “BIG” or “LITTLE” written on her forehead with a black marker.

          • Smiley Face

            @Cheekie,

            Bwahaha!! Why did I do just that?!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Over It, welcome. lol.

      i sense a name-beef coming.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @Panama Jackson,

        I nominate the beef be settled in a tap-dancing CHALLONJ. Winner takes name.

        • Me fail english?

          @Cheekie,

          Naaahhhh, B.

          This new “Over It” is straight up McDowell’s. Take your golden arcs and seedless buns elsewhere!!

          …and welcome and siht :D

          • Gem of the Ocean

            @Me fail english?,

            *dead*

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Me fail english?,

            LMFAO. I know in my heart you’re right. My nomination is just a strong desire to see a modern version of THE CHALLONJ. Can’t blame me. It’s an incredible scene. lol

            Besides, overit has the advantage of saying her name outloud quicker. “Over It” implies a pause in between the two words. overit is one word. That pause matters. Time is money and overit saves time. Badda bing.

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @Over It,

      A niglet leaves VSB for TWO days and there’s a new world order, where 2 Overits exist.

      If another PJ comes out the woodworks, I’m selling all my shoes and starting a website called “Apocalypse Now”. Change is scary @ me!

    • jade

      @Over It, totally agreed. Im in the same situation with my ex, I dont think he understands the fact im over it. Hes dating someone right now. I understand this. I get a friend request from him last week. I was the first person he added. I then send him a message letting him know what was up, and he responds with, ” well i have this really crazy gf and she would freak out if she knew we were talking, why u actin funny?” . havent heard from him since. After this, I said fuck all my other questions, the only one I want to know right now, is if you arent “allowed” to talk to me, why are you adding me on fb? so i deleted his ass. ive been wanting to do that for the past year. and ya know what/ it felt good. you might WANT closure, but you dont really NEED it to move on. what you really need to do is love yourself how you used to at the time you got into the relationship.

      My ex moved all the way back to cali. Im in chicago. After that one email I got, I havent heard from him. As a matter of fact I only hear from him when hes not dating someone, which is pretty much never. Out of all ex gf hes not allowed to talk to me….Im just thinking he dosent want to, what do you think?

  • Humble_One aka $5 Footlong

    By breaking up with somebody, you get your closure. You’ve closed the door on that chapter for as long as it may stay closed. You are essentially cleansing yourself of a situation that did not bring you joy.

    This is what I thought. When my ex left me she said we can still be friends. In my opinion if you break up with somebody you don’t want anything to do with them. Why do you want the person you just left to call you and say hi? The last time we talked she said that me not replying to her holiday and birthday texts was stank. I think she might have got her closure the last time we talked and she asked me to forgive her. I don’t get it. I moved on a month after we broke up. When she told me she was looking for somebody to make her happy that told me that I should move on . I never called her again after that.

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @Humble_One aka $5 Footlong, By being “Friends,” I think they want the blow of a breakup softened. But the fact is, you can’t be friends sometimes. With your true friends, you don’t have to watch what you say… with your ex as a “friend,” you have to filter stuff…. you can’t give them too much hope, you can’t brag about the new chick you met, etc.

      • miss t-lee

        @Nicki Sunshine,
        Yep.

  • Blue Skyez

    I don’t WHY I am up so hellishly late! Nothing good can happen at this hour! But anyways, I agree with you Panama. We don’t really require closure at the end of the relationship. The END of the relationship is all the closure you need! Why does one need to go through all the frustration of full-blown McDonald Fry Lamp to the face investigation. I say that if a person pulls a Houdini in a relationship and leaves you high and dry then they are actually doing you a FAVOR! They were a leaf/branch in your tree of life and they freed you up to stop wasting time on them and look for some roots according to Madea: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYH6sn2ulfs&feature=PlayList&p=E75929EEA9FD921F&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=17 People need to stop wasting time worrying about why leaves/branches haven’t given them closure, haven’t called them, haven’t kept their promises. MADEA says it BEST!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Blue Skyez, But anyways, I agree with you Panama.

      if more people uttered those words, the world would be a safer and happier place.

      it would all be a mcdonald’s play yard.

  • shay_d_lady

    if the relationship has ended officially? Like there was a break up?
    That’s closure accept it and move the f!ck on cause regardless of what bs reason that led to the decision it all boils down to one thing that person no longer wants to be with you
    And hell even if he/ she pulls a disappearing act? Close the door yourself and move on

    • overit

      @shay_d_lady, the ! in your f!ck always slays me. but re: your statement: true, true.

      • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

        @overit, True indeed.

    • Miss Patterson

      @shay_d_lady, in the words of Rick James: COLD BLOODED.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @Miss Patterson, he dead. so that statement works on many different levels.

        ZING!

    • Sula

      @shay_d_lady,

      truth.com