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Chance The Rapper Might Be The Pettiest Dude Of All Time.

Petty dudes have been having a field day lately. First, Big Sean dropped “IDFWU”, a nod to his now defunct relationship with Glee actress Naya Rivera, which at the time felt like the apex of pettiness in song form. It was almost an excercise in abject immaturity with its repeated musings of “I don’t give a fuck I-I don’t give a fuck….” throughout. You could almost hear your 6-year old nephew yelling this out as he took his ball and went home because he didn’t get picked to play in the sandbox with the girl with the pigtails. Point is, Big Sean made an anthem for petty dudes everywhere. I’ve seen IDFWU in more text messages than I care to admit and have sent that a few times myself. Just for fun, old sport.

Then, petty savant extraordinaire Wiz Khalifa dropped a verse on the Juicy J song “For Everybody” earlier this month aimed at his estranged wife, Amber Rose, doing a bit of slut shaming of a woman he actually married. To point out the irony in that is almost too easy so I’ll just wag my finger at Wiz and say, “bad stoner!”

Recently, I heard a song off of Action Bronson’s up-coming album Mr. Wonderful featuring Chance The Rapper (please say the rapper) entitled “Baby Blue”, another petty dude anthem. Except Chance decided to go for the gold on his verse by eschewing standard issue name-calling and slut-shaming and explaining EXACTLY how petty he is by listing the things he wishes would happen to his ex. And because Chance has uttered the words, “bang bang bang skeet skeet skeet, she’ll do that thang for 3 retweets” he speaks to the common man. His petty level was so impressive that I’ve decided to analyze his verse and speak to each of the uber-petty statements he makes. It’s that real.

Lyrics in italics courtesy of genius.com:

I hope you get a paper cut on your tongue
From a razor in a paper cup

Wishing somebody a paper cut is definitely top 5 most petty things, dead or alive. Paper cuts are THE most annoying cuts of all time. OF ALL TIME. I had a paper cut last week. Totally hated it. Pshaw. But a paper cut from a razor in a paper cup is just mean. That’s not even petty, that’s just downright evil. But hey, he’s hurt. It’s better than wishing she got hit by a bus that nobody saw coming like in Final Destination. Do you remember that shit? Totally like…WTF bro. So weird.

I hope every soda you drink already shaken up

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we’re back to petty. Seriously, I’ve wanted bad things to happen to people, but never have they been as harmlessly petty and effective as shaken up soda. Not only will her hands be sticky ALL THE TIME, she’ll likely never get to drink any of the soda she wants because she’s always making a mess. And if it’s, like, Coke, can you say STAINS? Stains, b. Stains.

I hope your dreams dry like raisins in the baking sun

This one is more mean than petty, but it’s also brilliant so I’m gonna give it a solid 7 for pettiness because I’m petty like that. He wants her dreams shriveled. Fuck that, raisins ain’t nothing but shriveled grapes already. So he wants her dreams to shrivel up even more than they already have. And he would know that her dreams are already fugazi because they dated. She probably told him she wanted to go to Julliard but because her mother died she had to move in with her father who, like, lives in a no bedroom house that has a den with one of those annoying glass doors that folks had to put blankets on because broke folks can’t really afford proper drapery. Anyway, she she wants to go to Julliard but she goes to school in the hood and her dreams stay getting deferred. You know who never really defers? Sallie Mae. Just thought I’d share. Anyway, so she’s hoping to make it, but, ya know, deferred dreams. He wants those deferred dreams to get like, DOUBLE deferred. By the way, people say shit like DOUBLE deferred when their vocabulary doesn’t allow them to take the next step up into the Vocabulary Olympics. Basically, there is no Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee in my future. #hiakeelah. Wait, was that weird? Or inappropriate? I’m going to move on.

I hope your titties all saggy in your early 20’s

That one is like when the Nightfox wakeup called Danny at 1130pm the night before instead of 530am the day of and Danny got up drinking all the espresso one man could drink. Mean AND super petty.

I hope there’s always snow in your driveway

Bruh. This is THE most petty shit in the history of pettiness. On the heels of a winter where people in Boston received record breaking amounts of snow? Yo, if I woke up to snow in my driveway every morning my feelings would actually be hurt. Even imagining that right now is hurting my feelings. I actually need a hug right now. That’s how real it is. Fuck you, Chance . I’m  mad FOR her. If a woman told me she wishes I always had snow in my driveway I might actually call the police on her and report her as a terrorist. Idc Idc Idc.

I hope you never get off Fridays
And you work at a Friday’s that’s always busy on Fridays

Yeah, this is petty on 10. Well done.

I hope you win the lottery and lose your ticket

Mean. Just mean.

I hope it’s Ben and Socrates poop all up in your kitchen

Personal pettiness obviously. It’s like “The Takeover” up in here.

I hope the zipper on your jacket get stuck

Do you know why this is Extreme Petty: The Petty Edition? Have you ever gotten stuck in your jacket? It never happens at home. It always happens out and you look like a 2-year-old learning how to use a zipper. You might as well have shoes with velcro on them. And not in the ironic hipster way, but like the “I can’t tie my shoes” way. I got stuck in a vest a few weeks ago. Trust me on this, folks were judging.

And your headphones short, and your charger don’t work

This is how you know Chance has a Ph.D. in Pettiness. Wishing a person’s phone charger doesn’t work has to be the #1 most petty wish of all. It kills your day because you have to go buy a new one. If it’s an Apple the cord itslef is either $19.99 for that short one that nobody really wants but buys accidentally thinking they saved $10 or $29.99 for the one you want. You cannot make it without a charger of some sort. The headphones short out…again, this is REAL world pettiness on this woman. She really fucked him up.

And you spill shit on your shirt

Nobody ever spills tonic water on their shirt. It’s always salsa. Or cranberry juice. Just petty. And he knows it.

I hope your tears don’t hurt, and I can smile in your face
Cut my losses, how Delilah changed my locks to a fade

The standard attempt to pretend like everything is okay. It’s petty because he knows he doesn’t mean it. Pettiness is never understanding. That’s the crux of pettiness, a total disregard for understanding.

I hope you happy, I hope you happy
I hope you ruined this shit for a reason, I hope you happy, igh!

Attempted transfer of emotion. Petty.

Congratulations Chance. You win.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Medium Meech

    Is this a mothafucking midnight post?!?!

    • h.h.h.

      well as one of the two elder statesmen of VSB, it’s quite hard for them to stay up, you know. perhaps he’s in Londontown right now as part of his job (man of mystery and beats)

      http://powerportalproducts.com/products/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Richard-Petty.jpg

      • LMNOP

        You don’t need to be awake to publish a blog post. They got computers and ish for that.

        • panamajackson

          Your brain needs to be awake doe. #staywoke

      • Sahel

        Are we talking about Tx ?

    • Rachmo

      I opened VSB this morning like…wait am I drunk?

      • Probably. Nothing to do with vsb though.

        • Sahel

          Boom

    • panamajackson

      Hey man, I had something. I loaded it in the chamber and fired.

  • black-a-rican

    I respect that level of commitment to pettiness. Not the pettiness, the level of commitment to it. Petty poetry is that new ish I guess.

    • Sahel

      Is it new,remember Kelis and i hate you ?

      • h.h.h.

        it’s empowerment when a woman does it…when a guy participates, its…oh well will you look at the time

        http://powerportalproducts.com/products/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Richard-Petty.jpg

        • CHURCH! Then again, we live in a world where women are allowed to get away with some of anything. But um…lemme stop. F*CK MORE B*TCHES! THAT’S HOW I DEAL WITH SH*T!!111 YEAH SON!

          • You know, it always amazed me that she never went to jail in the movie.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAesnC-TytE

            • A woman wouldn’t go to jail for this. Let a man give out an unwelcome compliment to a woman though, and he’ll be doing 5 years hard time. :)

            • KB

              This wasn’t really a petty action, more of a get back type of thing.

              • Nicholas Peters

                As a survivor of a fire…that is super petty

                • Keisha

                  Story?

                  • Nicholas Peters

                    “I’m Sorry, My responses are limited…You must ask the right question”

                    • Keisha

                      Not the throwback from I, Robot… :-/

                    • Nicholas Peters

                      “I’m Sorry, My responses are limited…You must ask the right question”

              • Toma-to; tom-ato lol

            • Sahel

              I wonder how women would react if men started torching stuff

              • Nicholas Peters

                911and jail sentences

              • Hmmm, isn’t as effective.

                Pettiness, involves a lot of vindictiveness, some narcissism, and a lot of rage. So when you attack, you attack where the damage is to be done best. With men, you attack possessions, that can be used to get another woman: car, house, jewelry, shoes etc. With a girl, you release n@ked pics, or the new thing: you use video to ruin her reputation.

                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IbMDE1Eo-E

                In the end though, most of it never works anyways, outside of the movies. Pettiness is about rage that the reality of a person didn’t match up with your expectations. It has less to do with them, and more to do about you and your inability to handle rejection.

                • Sahel

                  So hooking up with her sister or banging her best friend wont work ?

              • Freebird

                there would be PSAs and movements dedicated to it.

              • Kema

                I know a guy that admitted to keying an ex lover’s car. Smh!

                • Freebird

                  this should be listed under things men should not do.

            • She was married to him, technically it was her property as well. Why would she go to jail for setting her property on fire?

              • It’s arson.

                Plus cars explode when on fire…there are other houses in the area. What if the fire department didn’t come and put it out?

            • Cleojonz

              because as she so succinctly explained, it was her property she was burning, on her own property :)

          • h.h.h.

            stop being sarcastic, you bitter Brian.

            SHEEEESH.

          • heyheyno

            Welp ya’ll get paid more so I guess it all equals out. -____-

            • I didn’t know I was paid to repress my emotions. If that’s the case, I need a raise!

              • cancergirl08

                You’ll probably get one too, being a man and all :)

          • Rachmo

            Here YOU go

    • panamajackson

      I also respect that level of commitment.

  • RoBeart

    Might I submit, “And I hope you get detention on a half day.
    I wish I could use your blouse as an ashtray.”
    – by Chiddy Bang off (Bad Day) ?

  • Sahel

    Midnight posts,throwbacks to before VSB expanded. Is it pettiness or are rappers just expressing their emotions more openly.

    • nillalatte

      Right?! I haven’t been around and bounced over to check out what I’ve missed and ***a new post.***

      and, yeah, those lyrics are the most petty I’ve ever heard. There have been some great disses, but this is not one. ;)

  • nillalatte

    So I read the title as “Chance the rapper might be the PRETTIEST dude of all time.” Pause. Wait. Who’s writing this piece? Panama? Is Panama really going to write about how pretty this dude is? So, I read the story and saw petty plenty of times. My bad. I was really wondering where this story might take me. LOL

    But, for reals, those versus are in a song? BOL!!! Look, I don’t even know who this dude is, but the lyrics are so not impressive. I mean, after Wiz… com’on… Chance needs to step up his game on those versus if he’s trying to do a real slam. I’m just saying. We up in here analyzing lyrics of Kendrick Lamar that go deep in the psyche and then you wanna talk about Chance… is a rapper? You know you ain’t right.

    • Val

      I read the title as ‘prettiest’ too. Lol

      • Sahel

        Noted.

    • Deeds

      I saw pretty as well, and then looked at him and was like he ain’t that pretty.

    • Kema

      I’m not alone!!! I read pretty and then looked at the pic. 0_o lol!

    • panamajackson

      Reading is super fundamental these days, what with the advent of words. lol.

      Also, there will be no Chance The Rapper slander. His album Acid Rap is still one of my favorites to come out in the past 5 years. It’s super well produced AND dare I say a much better listen than even To Pimp A Butterfly.

  • uniquebeauty79

    sounds like some ish I’d find in my 13 yr olds room on a balled up sheet of paper because he felt he was going in, read it, realized it was a piece of ish… hence the balled up piece of ish I just found
    and the award for most buttsore ninja 2015 goes to: this fella

    • Word. Pettines is for women. Men just go on reigns of terror objectifying women and using them as $ex objects to sublimate their hate. :)

      • LMNOP

        So for men, pettiness is progress?

        • Sahel

          We are starting to express our emotions….lmao

        • It’s funny you put it that way but…accurate. :)

        • Nicholas Peters

          Yes…you wanted our feelings…this is what you get…

      • Deeds

        That sounds so much worse.

        • Nicholas Peters

          …and the world spins another day…

          everyone knows the best way to get over one woman is with another woman….and women do the same thing with men…please

          • Deeds

            Never said women didn’t do it, but spreading your hurt around to others who didn’t hurt you sucks.

            • Nicholas Peters

              Ive decided to keep the peace and will just nod my head

            • Sahel

              A woman is writing this,now i have seen everything on VSB

              • Nicholas Peters

                I was going to go there…but I decided not to

                • Sahel

                  Man,as i was reading her comment,i was like wow. A woman is saying this,VSB just hit new levelsof unicornism

        • How is it worse? Remember, he’s not r@ping anyone (or I’d hope so). He’s just thinking of women as life support systems for nani and treating them as such. :)

          • Deeds

            Taking out your hurt on others, instead of the person that actually hurt you. I say be petty to the one that wronged you. The new chick may actually be feeling dude, but he’s just treating her as a life support for nani, even though she didn’t hurt him. But I guess everyone gets used in life.

            • This is true, but I have come across *The Rock voice*

              • mikster

                We Don’t Do That on purpose!

                • Nicholas Peters

                  semantics

                  • mikster

                    Go eat grits! (my new comeback for everything)

                    • Nicholas Peters

                      “I’m Sorry, My responses are limited…You must ask the right question”

                      …That was the wrong response…

                • Bullsh*t and you know it.

                  Real talk, I had an incident happen to me about a year ago that still haunts me. I had chatted up this girl on OKCupid, and saw that she was on Fetlife (think social networking for perverts and freaks). I asked if she could share her profile info so I could check it out and see if we had anything in common. She accused me of wanting easy $ex from her, so I said thanks, but no thanks, screen capped the convo and moved on.

                  I posted photo of said convo on Fetlife, and many jokes were had. Somehow the girl’s friends tracked me down and nearly got me kicked off. Their rationale is that so many dudes think of them as easy that they have the right to be mean to any guy that asks them things. The upshot is that like a month ago, I happened to meet the ringleader of the revenge pack at a party. Totally awkaward, to say that least…

                  • mikster

                    This doesn’t count….lol you totally took that personal and it was so general! So it doesn’t count lol lol

                    • But I’m not Him, sister. I’m so not him. The upshot was the troops being sicced on me like it was nothing. That ticked me off.

                    • mikster

                      Yea that was petty. But aside from that all dating sites have bad reps. men on there are tried sooooo she aimed it at u on a whim but common can u really blame her? ask some women that have been on such sites. and why are u looking for her on get life when she might be trying to turn a new leaf tho! My petty is coming out lol

              • Freebird

                “This is true, but I have come across *The Rock voice* THE
                MILLIONS…deep breath…AND THE MILLIONS of women who take out stuff
                from their last dude on another guy. ”

                This is true. And in some circles (pop culture) it is encouraged.

              • Deeds

                I’m slow, The Rock voice?

              • Pinks

                upvoted just for The Rock reference

            • cakes_and_pies

              Do you know my ex? *cries in the corner*

      • uniquebeauty79

        lol, so sad and yet so true.

    • I feel like theres a middle ground, men dont need to be bottled up and stoic like our fathers are, but the way dudes now are so emo and jaundiced….its just odd.

      • Sahel

        Men adapted to what women considered the ideal man,a guy who gets emotional. Market forces for the win

        • Are women really checking for emo guy, i never thought I’d see the day it was cool to publicly take losses

          • White women. And Asian women into white dudes.

          • cancergirl08

            I’m not. #noDrakezone

            • Nicholas Peters

              Please is @ChampagnePapi was all over your instagram you would be boosted…#TeamYellowfortheWin

          • esa

            same does not attract same. they repel. it’s like magnetic poles.

        • esa

          don’t believe the hype ! a man being emo is an emo man. society has made a place for him. he does it for himself, first and foremost. any dude acting emo for a woman ain’t emo. he just a manipulator.

          • Like Drake.

            • *Funk Flex bomb drops*

            • Women love drake though.

              • Freebird

                not in public, it seems.

                • You look the right type of way you can have any personality

          • Rachmo

            Tell em

      • esa

        i think that the mutability of gender roles and identities is a very postmodern approach, one that has been embraced by popular culture to a broad enough extent. the result is fascination. freedom is a brilliant albeit challenging thing. it’s something that allows us to expose inner selves for all the world to see ~*~

      • Pinks

        I think a lot of women want a man who can show emotions without being emo – there’s a difference.

        Like, if you had a really hard day at work and want to come home and talk about how sometimes you feel like you can’t take the pressure and just need me to hold you for five minutes to get your mind right, that’s dope. But don’t get in the door p-Oed, slam doors, ignore me and turn to the Donny Hathaway station on Pandora in the bathroom with the lights off with a Tropical Paradise candle burning while you cry on the toilet. That ain’t cool, homie.

        • Swap out Donny Hathaway with MOP in that latter scenario, and I’m so with it. And in the former situation, you’re forgetting about Tumblr and/or the text to your “friend” “Michelle” for late night “coffee”. ;-)

          • Pinks

            If you and Michelle going for coffee, bring me back a cupcake so my sugars ain’t low when I’m burning off your toenails one by one.

            • No, I mean you’re doing the texting to Michelle for coffee. LOL

              • Pinks

                Ahhhh OK lol..
                **tucks crazy back in her pocket**

          • cancergirl08

            “Swap out Donny Hathaway with MOP in that latter scenario……”

            There’s something about MOP. I love their song “Cold as Ice.” My sinister alter ego remains suppressed, but that song can bring it out. That and Tupac’s “Hit Em’ Up.”

        • Sahel

          When a man cries on the toilet,its serious lmao

          • Pinks

            The first time I saw it, I was so confused.

            Do I get him a tissue? Do I act like I never saw it? So many questions.

        • HeyBooHey

          Candles burning while he cries on the toilet??? Whe….Ho…Huh??!

      • uniquebeauty79

        they took that walk on the softer side of Sears a little too literal. It’s cool for a man to be in touch with his emotions but not to the point when you see it written out you can’t tell if he or his teenage sister wrote it. ????

  • Nicholas Peters

    Give me three or four days…can I throw my hat in the ring for this title?

  • Val

    “I hope you win the lottery and lose your ticket”

    That actually happened…

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/california-lottery-winner-loses-ticket-1-1-million-jackpot-article-1.2148271

  • On one hand, I had to discipline my daughter for pushing a boy out of his chair because he turned her down when she asked to be his friend. On the other hand, I’m praying for Notre Dame to obliterate Northeastern in the NCAA tournament on some Germany/Brazil 7-1 ish because my ex-wife went to Northeastern.

    We all have our levels of petty. God isn’t done with me yet. Or at least that’s the lie I’m telling. :)

    • KB

      Your daughter is a certified G

    • Nicholas Peters

      I hope Kentucky gets Hampton Institute by 50…

      • The Hampton Institute slur? Gee…that’s cold. LOL Plus my brother went to Hampton, man. I don’t want to see him suffer. Can we cut it to like 35? And throw in some replacements for their Russell Athletic sneakers? They’re suffering enough as is. :)

        • Nicholas Peters

          slur? Real Life…I call it “My whole life (My mom and god mom both went to Howard) it has always been called “The Institute” and that is what I call it too this day…I want it to be by 20 ten minutes into the game and after 30 minutes I went someone from “The Institute” to thrpw in a white towel and for their team to walk off the floor…

          • Nicholas Peters

            I think I might troll “The Institute” fans on twitter…

    • My ex went to Providence, I hope they get rocked

    • LMNOP

      I love that age where kids just go around asking random other kids to be their friends.

    • Cleojonz

      If that was my kid (and my littlest has had similar interactions) I would be having a hard time not laughing while doing the disciplining. At least you know she will have NO problem standing up for herself lol.

  • Social media is kryptonite to sticks and stones.

    • Sahel

      Screenshots are killing people these days

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