always start the night with a rum and coke in each hand, and always alternate sips
spend at least 3.5 hours a day discussing, reading about, or watching nba basketball.
when complimenting a beautiful woman, be confusing, hyperbolic, and head-scratchingly vague all at the exact same time (ie: “wow. you’re definitely the best thursday ive ever seen“). if she asks you to repeat it, just say “not yet” and walk away.
incorporate lingo from “the wire” into your daily lexicon.
despite their convenience, never use straws.
if alone in an elevator with a white woman, try your best to whistle fiona apple’s rendition of “across the universe” to yourself. don’t, under any circumstances, crack your knuckles while doing this
when in doubt, eat breakfast and p*ssy.
call your parents at least twice a week, and ask them questions you already know the answers to.
if raining, try to remember that not having an umbrella builds character. also, try to forget that you’re too cheap to just buy one.
if you’re sure you’re gonna be late, just don’t go. if you’re sure you’re not going, go back to sleep.
if you’re absolutely certain you’re going to have sex later on, make sure to “ask for jake” 2-4 hours beforehand.
loosen your tie, and never, ever, ever button your top button. combined with your dark-brown skin and angular frames, this’ll help to create a look of ironic hipster virility known as the emo mandingo.
dance like no one’s watching. if watched, make damn sure you’re still sipping
you’ve just read a bit of mine. people of vsb.com, what are your personal creeds?
—the champ
Who is Jake? And whybare you asking for him?
@VSB,
1.) Never forget that even though I have so much less than some people.. I have a whole bunch more than others
1a.)Never boast or brag about things you have wether it be education level, tangible items, materialistic things….. None of that shyt has a dayum thing to do with the type of person you are
2.) Never smoke pot in the presence of anyone under any circumstances (unless it is a signifigant other that smokes also… If he doesn’t then he goes in the “anyone under any circumstnces” group)
3.)As a lady… NEVER GET DRUNK IN PUBLIC!!!!… Hell.. let my mamma tell it, ladies are to NEVER get drunk at all.. only tipsy and buzzed are acceptable forms of intoxication
4.) Maintain a high standard of cleanliness (lifestyle and personal hygiene) Shave!!!!
5.) Know when it is time to throw away a pair of shoes
6.)NEVER date a man that does not occupy his OWN residence.
7.)Congradulate.. dont HATE! If you know somebody thats doing good things in life, trying to make improvents, let them know thats whats up! If you need a tip to improve yo shyt, ask for some advice, and keep it moving. Pass that same info on to the next person, so they can come up too!
8.)Be open change
9.)Be in-tune with your intuition
10.)Understand that in life, although negotiation and compromise is necessary at times. It is perfectly fine to say “THAT IS ABSOLUTLY UNACCEPTABLE” and stick to your guns!
@Killa Kam,
you know jake. trust me
this
“if you’re sure you’re gonna be late, just don’t go. if you’re sure you’re not going, go back to sleep.”
defines my existence.
and the phrase “emo mandingo” almost ended said existence.
my creed:
1. when in doubt, eat chicken.
2. tolerate no b*tchassness. if you witness it, set the perpetrator straight. putting up with the sh*t makes you an aider and abettor, and therefore also guilty of b*tchassness.
3. wear high heels. but carry flats in your purse, just in case.
4. never take yourself so seriously to the point you can’t laugh at yourself when you do something foolish.
5. when mad, overly excited or in need of extra emphasis, switch from regular english to pidgin (and laugh secretly at non-nigerian/ghanians confusion)
6. always know where the nearest exits are.
7. bring every conversation to the topic of football (real, not american).
8. a little cleavage and a nice smile will get you far in a seemingly helpless situation.
9. throw random song lyrics into conversations if relevant, just because.
10. nas vs. jay-z => NAS.
@puff,
“4. never take yourself so seriously to the point you can’t laugh at yourself when you do something foolish.
5. when mad, overly excited or in need of extra emphasis, switch from regular english to pidgin (and laugh secretly at non-nigerian/ghanians confusion)”
Puff, abeg make u na get out my headspace with this your list u don make! Wetin cause am?
Tee hee! I stan for BOTH those comments
@puff, 10. nas vs. jay-z => NAS.
Jay Z baby!!!!
LOL that is the greater than symbol right? if not F!ck it! Jay for me!
@shay_d_lady, Jay Z for me too.
@puff, 10. nas vs. jay-z => NAS. BRAVEHEEEEART! shoutout to jungle, wiz and nashawn!
i remember in college during spades games and nas vs. jay z debates, i was alway team nas. you couldn’t tell me nothing different. over time, i’ve grown to love jay, as it is widely known, there really is a jay line for everything.
good list:)
ps) real football rocks:)
@puff,
8. a little cleavage and a nice smile will get you far in a seemingly helpless situation.
I look down upon other women that can’t understand this basic concept.
@puff, Good list!!
@puff,
“9. throw random song lyrics into conversations if relevant, just because.” – that’s my shiiiiiit, and as much as I’m also a Nas fan but i always got Jay-Z quotable in the pocket (I’m not a businessman, I’m business-maaan), cause that’s what he does best i.e come up with catchy phrases, like jingles and shyt.
@puff,
10. nas vs. jay-z => NAS.
the way a person answers this debate tells you everything you need to know about them.
@The Champ,
lol so i’ve heard. ditto the erykah vs jill argument (i say erykah).
@puff,
“8. a little cleavage and a nice smile will get you far in a seemingly helpless situation.”
i have recently embraced the phenomenon…it worked wonders…
10. nas vs. jay-z => NAS.
Jay Z can go kick rocks.
Do watch all NBA Playoff Games especially the Heat Games.
Do put on your sexiest walk when you notice buddy behind you looking at your ars.
Do not under any circumstances let ninjas know you are feeling them more than he’s feeling you.
Never ever brag about good chex to your home girls.
Under no circumstance shall a woman take her shoes of in the club unless your getting to beat someone’s ars with it.
Do sip wine read vsb comments and crak up as if you just saw The Dave Chappele im Rick James skit for the first time in your life.
@JamaicanGirl,
The sexy walk with a little ” i see you brought ya T*TTIES TODAY” always does the trick.
And you left one out. When wearing open toe shoes, do something about the toes.
Do watch all NBA Playoff Games especially the Heat Games.
this is how i feel about the Celtics
@JamaicanGirl,
see this here ninja…this sh!t right here ninja (please excuse that katt williams flashback) –> “Under no circumstance shall a woman take her shoes of in the club unless your getting to beat someone’s ars with it.” <– made my morning. yes, lawd!
i can’t stand it. woman up! my feet could be killing me but you would never f^cking know. the walk STAYS in tact. be at the club (on the rare occasions that i go) wanting to give chicks lessons. smh
@ Champ
pray tell wats “ask for jake?”
@PrincesMo,
word that starts with ‘m’ and rhymes with fasturation…
word that starts with ‘m’ and rhymes with filtration/hesitation/infestation/incarceration…is it comin to ya? if not just keep working at it, i promise it’ll come
“just keep working at it, i promise it’ll come”
@sisanda,
pun intended?
@eff yo couch,
vsb.com: where daily triple entendres happen
My personal creeds are easy. They are the IG Commandments I and Kindred created.
1. Thou shalt engage in debauchery and foolery in ALL circumstances and places (school, church, & classy functions included).
2. Thou shalt ROAST at all times, including, but not limited to: hair, clothing, feet, general fugliness, etc.
3. Thou shalt roast in all forms, including verbal, nonverbal, and written – preferably all at once.
4. Thou shalt burst out in song and dance in random places at random times.
5. Thou shalt say things that induce gut-wrenching laughter often, without even trying.
6. Thou shalt not try to be ignant, but find themselves unable to be Un-Ignant.
7. Thou shalt quote at least one of the following movies at least once a day (and twice on the Ignance Sabbath): The Color Purple, Anchorman, Coming to America, and What’s Love Got to do With It.
8. Thou shalt find all non-ignant folks self-righteous and siddity.
9. Thou shalt cause random strangers to smile, laugh, or stare in amazement of the ignance…and want to be your friend.
10. Thou shalt use obscure words to heighten the Ignance, and ensure that it can only be understood by the educated Ignant elite.
11. Thou shalt perpetually refuse all offers of Sense (i.e. The Lord: Here’s some sense. Me: Naw, I won’t be having use of that. Thanks though!).
12. Thou shalt make up new words and use it religiously as if it’s in Webster’s Dictionary itself.
13. Thou shalt be so ignant that we transfer such character to whatever is around us, people and inanimate objects alike (i.e. Sheena’s radio comes on whenever she pauses her TV).
14. Thou shalt make other ignant people want to look at you and retire their ignance.
Oh and last but not least. Thou shalt be AWESOME!
@Luvvie, I likey.
14. Thou shalt make other ignant people want to look at you and retire their ignance.
That’s a lotta ignance.
Oh and for clarification sake
There is a distinction between IGNANCE and IGNORANCE. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge where it is believed to exist (definitely a negative), while IGNANCE is:
IGNANCE (adj.): when one has a SENSE OF HUMOR that is RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME. Usually exhibited by those who can induce cackles just by being themselves.
Yes, I’m an IG-ologist of sorts
@Luvvie, LOL I love this list and yes before you I was under the impression I was ignant but much like Mutumbo the writing was on the wall and I retired to save myself the embarrassment… on another note..am I the only one that didnt know he was still playing?.. like for real I thought he retired 6 yrs ago
@shay_d_lady,
Mutombo oughta be in someone’s NBA museum. Yes, him himself. I thought he had retired too. Womp.
@Luvvie,
LMAO. I so believe your list!
@Luvvie,
4. Thou shalt burst out in song and dance in random places at random times.
Thats me all day long!
7. Harlem Nights is my favorite.
(DELLA RESSE YELLING) I AM! IN CHARGE OF DA GIRLS!
@Luvvie and The Dutchess,
U r 2 women after my own heart. I love 4 and 7 too! i randomly burst into random song and dance at work, on the streest, at home, with people, and just by myself. I love musicals and disney movies! And i also love to quote film! I love “wats love got to do with it” obviously: eat the cake ana mae, u betta sing that song the way i mfing told u sing it!, and (stuttering) now i’m through with them narcatics ana mae are just some of the classics. I also know 95% of the bridget jones script and I frequently like to recite it in my very best british accent, chip chip cheerio. All in all very good list, 2 thumbs up, life is too short, u must enjoy it and when in doubt bust out the score to west side story when all else fails
@PrincesMo,
YESSSSS!!! West Side Story is my 2nd favorite musical (behind Sound of Music). Methinks you rock, Princess Mo
@Luvvie,
I am 16 going on 17…
those are my top 2 fave musicals as well. SoM and then WSS… then Grease
@Luvvie, I heart your list! I do 4 all the time…and people think I’m nuts because of it…
I’m Ron Burgundy?
I’m Ron Burgundy?
yessssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!! lmao
@CoCoPuffs,
LMAO!!! Ron Burgundy: “I’m in a glass case of emotion!”
@CoCoPuffs,
“Milk was a bad choice!”
@Luvvie, LOL you beat me to the punch. Yes, the IG Commandments are a long-standing tradition. Viva le IG!
@Luvvie,
“7. Thou shalt quote at least one of the following movies at least once a day (and twice on the Ignance Sabbath): The Color Purple, Anchorman, Coming to America, and What’s Love Got to do With It.”
I would add The Playas Club to the list as well. That’s my movie!!
@Bourgie Bama,
Not Playa’s Club!! “Make that money. Dont let it make you” lol.
@Luvvie,
IG Posse STAND UP!!
@Luvvie,
4. Thou shalt burst out in song and dance in random places at random times.
does this include the hambone?
@Luvvie,
1. Thou shalt engage in debauchery and foolery in ALL circumstances and places (school, church, & classy functions included).
yes…church is the best. Libaries are fun too.
Womp. My creeds are being help by moderation. Pleeeeaaassseee let it through Champie McHumptyson!
@Luvvie, The Man got me too. I thought i used the correct lingo, but i guess not…
in no particular order…
~baaaangles, always the baaangles
~incorporate bscottisms into everyday speech (even around ppl who don’t know who bscott iuhh)
~never walk around with chipped polish (esp on the toes)
~2 [well arched] eyebrows are always better than 1 [fuzzy] eyebrow
~festive hair must be moisturized — avoid looking like a tumbleweed or Unique from FTLORJ
~fresh breath is not negotiable
~light[er] skinned ppl get ashy too, so don’t make an example of yourself — lotion is the skin’s friend
~never feel the need to explain your disdain for the Lakers or Cowboys, or any other sports team on your sh*t list
~always carry a license, cash, debit/credit card, medical insurance card, and AAA card
~the solution to any of life’s problems can be found in
bscott vidscleaning, shopping, and/or sleeping~never go to a nigerian wedding
everalone@Gem-nasty,
“never go to a nigerian wedding ever”
Dont make me give you a swift roundhouse kick to the medula. *ice grills*
i actually witnessed all forms of abuse you just stated (plus many more) all in one day at a nigerian wedding last weekend. so you’re only perpetuating the stereotype LOL
@Gem-nasty,
*taking a page from the Book De Champ* “STEREOTYPE DEEZ!”
@Luvvie,
It’s people like you, going around Chuck-Norissing everyone that’s gonna make these Amerikan folks stop going to african weddings…stop it…atleast wait till they cant see who the perpetraitor is okay
@sisanda,
If Americans stop going to African weddings, then more food for me! *evil laugh*
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you into yesterday.
@sisanda, Its because of this behavior I had a small destination NON-AFRICAN WEDDING.
People in my family still ain’t talkin to me. And I don’t give a good gotd@mn.
LOL. i already threatened my pseudo nigerian homegirl that if her wedding has more than 50% nigerians, i’m sending a gift in my place. she has already declared she won’t let her mother be in charge of the guest list so i’m in the clear!!
@Gem-nasty, Good list!
@Gem-nasty, “~never walk around with chipped polish (esp on the toes)”
I need you to put this on a shirt bc some of them ain’t getting it.
@Gem-nasty,
when i say that chipped polish bothers me, i think its the pits.
@Gem-nasty,
With all the talk of B.Scott I had to google this character. In utter amasement I have started to incorporate “get it squire” in my daily conversation.
yessssssss!!!!!! “get it squirrel” is a personal favorite of mine. i also enjoy saying the following: “sing scarlet” – “i’m only made of wood” – “track. gettin it” – “make your booty bounce” – “comeandgetthesegooddonedebbies”. consider trying them on for size, i think you might enjoy
@Gem-nasty,
Will Do
@Gem-nasty,
B.Scott called… he want’s his swag back.
And before you even go there…
e-ball DEEZ!
hee hee… love ya lovemuffin!
BBMo, i just have one question for you: do ya like my styyy-elll??
@blackberry molasses, HEEEEY LOVEMUFFIN!!!
“b*&*(^, hold my ponytail” is the most recent b.scott phrase in my lexicon.
@Gem-nasty, lmao@ B Scott. Thank you for introducing him into my life. I shall never b the same!
you’re welcome. EVERYONE deserves the gift of bscott in their life. i’m happy to be part of the team that spreads the bscott gospel to love muffins everywhere.
@Gem-nasty, always carry a license, cash, debit/credit card, medical insurance card, and AAA card
girl, this is def part of my creed too (replace AAA w/ my bus pas). i used to have a card on me that listed my drug allergies and emergency contact info. you never know!
lol if i had drug allergies i’d have a card for that too. and YES, always need an emergency contact. i have 3 programmed in my phone.
i also leave notes about where i’m going in my apt and my outlook calendar, just in case i never come back and a search party must be sent to find me.
@Gem-nasty,
Im friend jennifer never leave without her insurance card. She will leave everything but that girl got that insurance card!
“if you’re sure you’re gonna be late, just don’t go. if you’re sure you’re not going, go back to sleep.”
I live by this…seriously, I have been so stressed at my job that I staged a mini protest and slept until 2 pm today
but my creed?
Never feel bad about how I feel or what i think
Never apologize for being true to me and making decisions that are best for me and mine
Ride or die only for those that ride or die for you
Dont run away from problems or conflict
everyonce in a while go completely crazy over some thing completely not worth it… it keeps people off gaurd and fear of your reaction will keep you out of a lot of bullshyt
pineapple juice, redbull and premium vodka is a better cure than most prescription drugs!
dont be afraid to get out and try shyt.. at the very least youll always have intersting stories to tell!!!! LOL
@shay_d_lady, I just discovered the wonderful drink that is Red Bull and Grey Goose. It sure as heck makes going out and try stuff a whole lot easier.
@JamaicanGirl, now add a hit of dole pineapple or soak fresh pineapple in the vodka….it will change your life!
@JamaicanGirl,
Yassssssssssssss!
Double Vodka and Redbull please ;D
@shay_d_lady, “Never apologize for being true to me and making decisions that are best for me and mine”
YES!
@shay_d_lady,
I’ve done the Red Bull and Vodka before but never with the pineapple juice trick. So going to do that this weekend. Thanks for the tip!
@luvtheshoes,
“I’ve done the Red Bull and Vodka before but never with the pineapple juice trick. So going to do that this weekend. Thanks for the tip!”
I tried it back in Nov and all I can say is “Lord forgive me for my sins”
“I’m back and I’m hittin’em hard…”
[Da Band's "Bad Boy This" fades out.]
Personal Creed, huh?
De’s Creed
1. Make prolonged eye contact with everyone within a five-foot radius, no matter how awkward makes them feel.
2. If it is assigned a month before it’s due, wait until the pressure is so strong that it makes diamond-projectile excretion possible (read: the day before), then do it.
3. Write small poems on the back of exams so that the female professors fall in love with you.
4. When in doubt, laugh heartily
5. Assume that the person that is making hand signals is deaf; it saves a lot of time and embarrassment.
6. Turn phone to vibrate in order to avoid sideways glances from those that have never heard french pseudo-booty music (aka the bus riding population of the D).
7. If it is either hard or strongly scented, go sockless.
8. Do not delete numbers, but add them to the DNA list; it prevents the whole Why-don’t-we chill-anymore convo.
9. Spontaneity = GSR (Good Sweaty Relations)
@De La Strait, I love this list! although I dont understand the sockless comment
@shay_d_lady,
If you rewear a sock enough, it gets hard, so you’re better off just not wearing any at all…kind of trife, but hey…..
@De La Strait, EwWWWWW! LOL not what I was thinking at ALLL….my mind was def in the gutter!
@shay_d_lady, Oh nooo. Not the case at all. There is a specific comforter dedicated to that….
@De La Strait, i need to 8th Wonder to come and hit you with a *blink*
@overit, What can I say? Finals are next week and…yea…laundry is at the bottom of my list of priorities at this specific moment in time……
@De La Strait, i wish i had ‘finals’ as an excuse.
great list by the way.
@De La Strait,
What kinda concrete foot are you carrying around to where your socks harden? Jeebs be some moth balls and some thick foot butter for you lol
@Luvvie, It’s just a little dried sweat….a lil lil bit.
@De La Strait,
i just threw up in my mouth a lil bit. imma fed ex you some foot powder. where u at?
@De La Strait,
If you rewear a sock enough, it gets hard, so you’re better off just not wearing any at all…kind of trife, but hey…..
lol…this is true. sad, but true.
welcome and sh*t, btw (i think)
@The Champ, nah. no welcome-o. I definitely commented once many moons ago.
@De La Strait,
And I forgot but LMAO at this whole list of creeds. Methinks I dig you, De La Strait.
@De La Strait, I like and sh%&
LOL hilarious list
@De La Strait, I totally approve of this list. In fact, you had me at #1
@De La Strait,
This:
““I’m back and I’m hittin’em hard…”
[Da Band's "Bad Boy This" fades out.]”
Prompted me to say, “DIE-LAWN!”. Man, that season was the best. Babs screaming “Let ‘em fight! Let ‘em fight!!!”. The days, man….those were the days.
@De La Strait,
I like your moniker. I see someone was paying attention in geography
Creed….
1. Realize that all cartoons suck once they’ve been on the air 10+ years.
2. Never respect stranger’s opinion about hip hop. If you ain’t know them, eff ‘em…and their couch.
3. Know that you will like non stereotypical black people things.
4. Never have the cell volume up in class, ever…unless you teach the class.
5. The side eye is an effect heat check…for everything.
6. Sundays are for the NFL…if you, your mama, your mama nem, your boys, your boys’ mamas, your boys’ mamas nem, your SO, or your SO’s mama nem ain’t dyin leave me alone…the Chiefs are on.
7. It is acceptable to hate anyone from your school’s archrival regardless of age.
8. Know you’re not as special/important/smart/attractive as you think you are.
9. Any money you give to someone becomes a gift regardless of what you think.
@Stank-0,
Noooooooooooo. Flinstones. Meet the Flinstones.
@charli skipper,
They’re a modern stone-aged famileeeeee. From the town of Bedrock – they’re a page right out of historeeeee!
@Stank-0,
8. Know you’re not as special/important/smart/attractive as you think you are. .
My mama said I am, so I am.
::sticking out my tongue::
@Stank-0,
“1. Realize that all cartoons suck once they’ve been on the air 10+ years”
What? Even Looney Tunes? Woody Woodpecker?
@Humble_One, Looney Tunes will never ever go out of style in my book.
@Humble_One,
Right! Don’t even get me started on Looney Tunes.
@Stank-0,
“2. Never respect stranger’s opinion about hip hop. If you ain’t know them, eff ‘em…and their couch.” – talk about subliminal shots…that was funny though cause they shoooooot…aww made me look.
@Stank-0,
9. Any money you give to someone becomes a gift regardless of what you think.
So true! People tend to forget the “lend” part of the conversation and only remember the money you gave ‘em. Heck, half the time they play dumb and act like they forgot you’re the one who lent them the money and start talkin bout how they just got new shoes/concert tickets/weekend getaway.
@Stank-0,
“1. Realize that all cartoons suck once they’ve been on the air 10+ years.”
Are you out of your ever-lovin’ mind? Popeye is the SHIZNIT, fool! Recognize!
@Stank-0,
duuuuuddddde…I was trying 3 nights ago to explain number 6 to some dudes I was hangin with. And they didn’t get it. Don’t call me! FOOTBALL IS ON!!!!!!
Oh and f*ck the losing as$ Chiefs.
What?! I said it. What?!
@VeronicaL,
Don’t hate! They on the come up. In Pioli we trust.
Re: #1
Lemme explain this. I was thinking specifically of the Simpsons which have been “on air” for 10+ years. The Flintstones and Looney Tunes have been on re-run for a minute, right?
I was never a big Flintstones fan, because they made the husbands so damn stupid. Which is why I hate sitcoms.