Or Larry Hoover.
In fact, I’m pretty sure that Rick Ross doesn’t either. I get the impression that deep down, Rick Ross is kind of a p*ssy. I have nothing firm to base this on, but he reminds me of the same big talk cats I used to know in some of my less than stellar stomping grounds who would b*tch up at the most times. He just has way better rhyming skills and has a great ear for beats.
But yes, the odd fears of the gangsta. In the past few weeks I’ve come across some individuals who would easily fit the profile of “a little more hood than the average cat” (namely through their actual known convictions) who had the MOST irrational fears I’ve heard of. Not only that, but then…you know what…why give away the story up front. Here are a list of odd fears of a gangsta…
I wish I was lying, but my Dominos delivery man looks like he just got out prison…the day before every day he’s ever delivered my pizza. Dayquan is a cool dude and all but let’s just say I meet him far away from my front door to get my food. Anyway, one day a few weeks ago, I haphazardly ordered a pizza and then the sky dropped. I mean thunder lightning and women in stilettos. It was bananas. But here comes Dayquan in his tricked out Dodge Magnum. Except instead of getting out of his car, he beckoned me over…into the rain. I go to his car, visibly mad that the delivery man didn’t deliver my sh*t, and he’s like, “yo dog, I don’t do thunderstorms man. Like, you see what they do to trees?? What they gonna do to me, man?? I don’t have no thunder, dog.” By the way, he forgot my Sprite. Oh, and I didn’t make up any part of that story aside from the name. Yeah, this dude is scared of thunderstorms.
I known a lot of people are scared of heights. But thugs aren’t scared of jail where the opportunity for being gangraped by 12 cholos and 3 guys named ‘Toine is nearly imminent. Yet, I know dudes who have committed armed robberies and possible “other” felonies who straight up do.not.f*ck.with.heights. Like, keep me away from the edge of this two story building because I don’t want to die from falling off this lowscraper.
I don’t like mice either, but I’ve definitely murdered my fair share of Mickey’s cousins. I do not like mice in my space. Well, I have a cousin in ATL who had quite the rep in a recently departed housing project that was commonly shouted out by ATL thugs on the Westside. And this dude did NOT do mice under any circumstance. He was a hop on the chair kind of dude. And I’ve seen it happen. Big Black Af from building 422…no problem. Tiny little fieldmouse from Bolton Road? B*tchmade.
Gangstas and thugs are conspiracy theorists by nature. Except their conspiracies aren’t always of the intellectual variety. Sometimes they theorize about sh*t like why cats are the devil spawn and how society is really going to come to a downfall because a cat will end up as the head of the Illuminati and Jay-Z will take his orders directly from him. Or her, because nobody’s really sure if cats are male or female despite the obvious ability to, ya know, check. I’ve had a dude tell me that cats were the original racists. And for that reason, he never really trusted cats, people with cats, and could never root for a college who had a cat mascot.
5) Marionettes/Ventriloquist Dummies
The first time the word marrionette gets mentioned on this site and its attached to gangstas. Amazing what we do here. Hell, when was the last time you heard the word marionette? I happened upon a convo in my old apartment complex in ATL between a guy who would eventually be placed on the GBI’s 10 Most Wanted List and one of his homeys and these ninjas were debating about marionettes. Lil’ Murder? He was seriously shook about them. Something about the strings. Once again, I’m not making this up. I added ventriliquist dummies because they weird me out and cuz, baby, well I’m a thug.
Anyway, Monday morning masses, are you aware of any irrational and odd fears that gangstas tend to have? By the way ladies, its midnight…
…do you know where your ovaries are?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3