Cancel The Debates, The Choice Is Clear; Clinton Vs Trump Is A Bucket Of Prune Juice Vs A Bucket Of Shit » VSB

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Cancel The Debates, The Choice Is Clear; Clinton Vs Trump Is A Bucket Of Prune Juice Vs A Bucket Of Shit

Mark Ralston/Pool/Getty Images

 

If, for some mysterious reason, The Cheesecake Factory were to all of a sudden add a two gallon bucket of shit to their menu, it would (probably) get quite a bit of news coverage and (definitely) cause quite a bit of confusion.

“Why would they do this?” people would ask. “What benefit could that possibly bring to their business?” those same people would ask. “Wouldn’t that be, like, a health risk or something?” they’d ask again, after a couple of drinks. “And what kind of shit would it even be? And how will they collect it?” they’d ask in the Uber on the way home at the end of the night, not even really wanting to know the answers to those questions.

But, there would also be people who’d be intrigued by The Cheesecake Factory’s decision. Who’d wonder if there were some sort of hidden health benefit to two gallon buckets of shit. “Maybe it’s the new Thai food. Or maybe even the new gluten free.” they’d say, as they’d ponder going to a restaurant and shaping their mouths to ask the server to bring them a bucket of shit for them to eat. “I mean, if The Cheesecake Factory is putting it on their menu — willingly to risk their health code rating and bankrupt their company just to add this item — maybe it can’t be all that bad.”

So people would continue to go to The Cheesecake Factory. And most would choose from the old menu selections and attempt to ignore the smell of the shit brewing in the back. But you’d have that small and curious and stupid percentage of people who’d come specifically just for the shit. And they’d order it. And it would come. And then they’d make the final decision about whether they actually want to forever be known as a person who came to a restaurant, ordered a bucket of shit, ate it, paid for it, left a tip, and left.

What would definitely not happen is indecision. No one would come in there thinking about buckets of shit and then say “Nah. I think I’m gonna get the Chargrilled Coulotte Steak instead.” And no one would be deciding between ordering the Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes, the Spicy Ahi Tempura Roll, and the Two Bucket Gallon Of Medium Rare Horse Shit.

I’m writing this a half hour or so after watching Hillary Clinton debate Donald Trump. It was spirited, absurd, ridiculous, hilarious, frightening, and entertaining. It was also pointless. At least, pointless in terms of what function a debate in September is supposed to serve. Which is a way for the candidates to sway undecided voters. And I can not imagine someone of clear mind and sound body still somehow being unsure about who they’re voting for. I can understand the ambivalence about whether to cast a vote at all. Or about whether to vote for Johnson or Stein. (Which is ultimately the same as not voting at all.)

But a decision between Trump and Clinton is a decision between “Hey, I think I’m going to yoga class this morning. And then maybe Trader Joe’s.” and “Hey. I think I’m going to go clone a herd of reindeer and use its meat for this meat puppet reenactment of the Kennedy assassination I’m building in my basement.” Those thoughts do not — well, should not — exist in the same mind.

These debates will continue to happen, of course. And they will matter less and less. Because if you’re even remotely considering ordering and drinking (Or eating? I don’t know how shit consumption works) a two gallon bucket of shit, there’s nothing left to be said to you.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Brass Tacks

    Well all these “political figures” are a farce. Prune juice still equates to sh it in my book. They dont deserve my vote and neither is getting it. Geriatric, ho hum aysus.

    On a more positive note….

    Did y’all see my Falcons? Did y’all see my Falcons doe?

  • LMNOP

    That was a nauseating, but apt metaphor.

  • Debate sucked.
    Hillary’s maniacal grin sucked.
    Dopeys insults sucked.
    Issues took a backseat to posturing.
    Sure am looking forward to the next one!

  • DomiMami

    That, my friends, was the epitome of an unprepared man, becoming and unglued buffoon.

    I looked at the hubbs quite a few times like and maybe (probably) said “Did this idioit just sat (or admit) to that on television…during a debate, no less) then I remembered who I was watching and settled in for the circus.

    I was NOT let down.

    The gems:
    “WRONG……WRONG…..NOT TRUE…WRONG”

    “BECAUSE I’M SCHMART” (yes he admitted to not paying taxes. Sham effing wow).

    “THAT’S GOOD BUSINESS”

    And my favorite,

    “WE SETTLED WITH NO ADMISSION OF GUILT”

    Can’t make this ish up!

    • mr. steal your costco samples

      I flipped at that. EVERY SINGLE SETTLEMENT IN THE HISTORY OF MAN settles with no admission of guilt, that’s why it’s a settlement.

      Also, “taking advantage of US laws”

      • DomiMami

        Exactly. Genius!

    • Cleojonz

      My favorite was “Bigly” I’m like oh this ninja making up words now!

      • DomiMami

        Dang, I failed to include that. I literally repeated that non- word a couple more times before my brain rejected it. Lmao

  • NonyaB
  • Tambra
    • I love the one who was like…THESE ANSWERS ARE REHEARSED. I would say this is why we need stricter voting laws but white people clearly couldn’t be trusted with that idea

      • Tambra

        You know.

  • Last night we watched the future President of the United States handle a heckler.

  • Brandon Allen

    Hillary openly talked about systemic police reform and systemic racism yesterday so please just vote for her.

    Even if you dont like her.

    Abstaining is helping no one. Cynicism is getting us no where. You can still be mad about whatever you’re mad about without enabling Trump with a lukewarm protest vote.

    • The problem is that Hillary won’t listen to us. She’ll stick to whatever her preferred sources of The People say, and four years later, we’ll be older and dealing with the same crap, save for some technology updates.

      • tipartsy

        I’d rather be dealing with the same crap in a few years (and focusing no getting the right candidate next time) than standing in line to turn in my application for release from whatever minority concentration camp Donald Trump has put me in…

        • Annalise Keating

          “than standing in line to turn in my application for release from whatever minority concentration camp Donald Trump has put me in…”

          LMAO!!!!

        • lkeke35

          It’s the difference between a teaspoonful of castor oil everyday, and drinking a gallon of castor oil every day for for four years.

      • Brandon Allen

        I don’t really know what her not listening means. You think she would’ve said what she said in the debates if she wasn’t listening. Cynicism tires me and its pointless. If she gets police and prison reform policy passed I’m good.

        • MsSula

          I am so tired of this cynicism that does not even have a solid base.

          • Brandon Allen

            Regardless of people’s feelings about whatever, where does cynicism get us besides feeling bitter all the time.

            • Kas

              Cynical people are never disappointed is all I can come up with.

              • Nik White

                Said and upvoted by cynical people.

              • Photoshop’s a helluva drug

                No they are ALWAYS disappointed.

                • Kas

                  Are you going to make me think? I prefer making flippant remarks and moving on.

                  • Photoshop’s a helluva drug

                    Sakes alive! I would never force that on anyone!

                    • Kas

                      Daps

          • Annalise Keating

            Maybe this would help shed some light on why some black folks are cynical re: her motives

            https://www.thenation.com/article/hillary-clinton-does-not-deserve-black-peoples-votes/

            • Overtymem Usicradio

              This is how this writer feels. How do you feel. Share us your thoughts and not someone else’s.

              • Annalise Keating

                If you looked further in this thread, I share my thoughts in detail multiple times.

        • The thing is that she doesn’t really care about police and prison reform. She does just enough to say I Said It, then goes back to whatever bland statements she really wants to say. I’m going to need more of a forceful commitment. I’m not expecting her to he Huey Newton, but at least make it clear that she’s for something. That awkward pivot from structural racism to gun control wasn’t hitting for me.

          • Janelle S

            Prison reform was part of Obama’s platform way back when he was coming up in Illinois. It got waylaid when his administration inherited the Wall Street disaster of ’08. I’d like to think she’ll be picking up the ball and running with it now that it has more visibility and energy behind it.

            • That’s the thing though. At least Obama had a long track record of interest, and actually did *something* about it. I would have rather he go much farther, but that’s at least a negotiation point. Hillary Clinton doesn’t have much of a track record with that, even going back to her days in the Senate.

              • Janelle S

                Being president means taking on things that weren’t part of your portfolio in the first place. I can see the skepticism about whether she’s actually going to do that work, but I’m holding out hope that the works gets attempted (not done because Congress). It’s so visible right now that it’s on us to keep putting pressure on it.

                Where I have less faith that she’s going to be looking out is with respect to Wall Street. We need financial reforms that are sounding more like the third rail than the traditional third rail topics.

              • Annalise Keating

                What has Obama done about prison reform? just asking cos I genuinely don’t know and want to learn.

                • Federal government banned the use of private prisons. I know it’s a small gesture since states are the primary user of private prisons, but its a step in the right direction.

                  Rescheduling weed on the drug scale is also a small nudge toward legalization, which would help black men the most locked up for non-violent drug offenses.

                  • Annalise Keating

                    Ok. Thanks for the info.

                • He did work to fix the sentence disparity (which got decent bipartisan support) and freedom a bunch of nonviolent drug offenders… Like 200 of them. I wouldn’t say great, but it was at least something real.

          • Brandon Allen

            I don’t know if she cares. I think she does. But even if she doesn’t I expect her to do her job if she cares or not.

            • Her job is to either care or leave me alone. I personally would prefer the latter.

            • NonyaB

              This alludes to what I said in my initial comment about people letting emotion and lofty ideals supersede pragmatism. A candidate doesn’t need to care, you should need to “like” her, you just need to verify that s/he is capable of doing the job while positively affecting issues related your livelihood and interests to vote for them. Sure, charisma is nice to have but not core – and you can’t expect every candidate to score off the charts on that like BO or Bill C.

              • Kas

                Yes indeed

                • NonyaB

                  Seriously, for a country so capitalist and $$ oriented, it’s surprising to see this misplaced petulance. If you could nominate the CEO of your company, would you care about liking him/her or who’s most likely to push policies that benefit you (pay rise, promotions, benefits, etc)?

                  • Kas

                    I think studies show that our CEO’s rise to the position based on somewhat narcissistic personaties rather than being the person that would lead the company best.

                    • NonyaB

                      I know that, was just using it to illustrate. Peons typically don’t get to pick who the CEO will be but if they could, it would be a pragmatic exercise.

                    • Kas

                      I guess I’m saying that we would care more about liking him (it would never be a her if held to a vote) than rather he was the best white man for the job.

                    • NonyaB

                      I acknowledge popularity would play a role but assuming you knew that X was more likely to benefit you than Y (esp financially, benefits, etc), you’d pick accordingly, despite Y being popular.

                    • Kas

                      I don’t know. There was a time when colleges wouldn’t play a starting five of all Blacks in basketball. There is a certain segment of the population that puts racism and/or sexism above their own well being.

                    • NonyaB

                      True.

                    • Kas

                      I hope not, but I wouldnt bet money on it.

                    • NonyaB

                      Hope not?

                    • Kas

                      Hope they don’t represent the majority

                    • NonyaB

                      Got it. It initially read as hoping it’s not diminishing.

                    • Mochasister

                      Lately it seems to be the opposite.

                    • NonyaB

                      Nah, they’re just more vocal thanks to social media tools and over-amplification by media makes it even worse. It’s just like how news reports of polls and primaries make it sound like Drumf has literally over 50% of the US population supporting him. But in reality, election polls have never been particularly accurate (when compared to actual election results), neither do primaries represent entire country. (Dem and Rep primaries each had less than 4.5% of pop participate).

              • Maestro G

                Even if you don’t like the choices proffered, I think last night’s debate made what we already know very clear: One of the people on stage, no matter what you think of them personally, is ready and fit to govern, and one of them is not. Cynic or not, pragmatist or not, the choice is simple. Why would you vote for so one so obviously incompetent just because the only other choice might not tie up neatly with your politics? When does it ever?

                • NonyaB

                  ” When does it ever?”

                  Exactly. I don’t get the search for a perfect candidate, especially when such people won’t necessarily put in work required to yield alternatives (early, locally, spanning over multiple election cycles to grow to national possibility, etc).

          • Question

            I think she cares about prison reform, if for no other reason because its expensive. That and I really do think she believes that her hubby’s strong-armed policies of the 90s are a problem.

            Here’s the thing about Hil – I think she’s an idealist. I think she believes in the experiment that is America – that with enough commitment and courage, people can change anything. And I think she’s on a quest to prove that. Now what “things” she wants to change are open to debate but I do believe she believes that she can change “things”….

            • Crawford

              I honestly believe that as well. Looking at her entire life from university til now, I think she does actually want to make the world a better place. I know some will mention the hawkish aspect, but it’s not inconsistent with her ideals. She’s the type who believes that we can use laws to make the changes we need.

              • Question

                Yea, I agree – and I’m not saying that the changes she wants to make are good, or that we should think they are good. Only that I truly believe she believes in the ability for all things, including our government to change.

                Donald on the other hand – I think the American Presidency is just another feather in his cap, like marrying models and having names on his building. Him seeking this position is 100% about him. It’d be the ultimate middle finger to all of the other billionaires who shun he and his family.

          • Photoshop’s a helluva drug

            I don’t know what you want from her. Blood? I mean I just want the opening which she offers. And I want us, black people, to step through and handle ours. I expect more from Pookie on the corner in the way of helping our people than Hillary.

        • Annalise Keating

          She and Bill Lobbied successfully for the black vote during his campaign. They made very similar promises at the time.

          The “three strikes” crime bill, the bill responsible for the disparity between sentences for crack and cocaine, and the bill responsible for largest welfare reform in history was passed under Bill Clinton administration and championed by both Bill and Hilary publicly
          During that time.

          These crime bills were largely responsible for the mass incarceration a large percentage of black folks in these country.

          part of the criticism directed at her was for the “super predator” comment she made in 1994 as part of her public support for these crime bills.

          I could go on and on but this article articulates things much better and with more detail
          https://www.thenation.com/article/hillary-clinton-does-not-deserve-black-peoples-votes/

          • Brandon Allen

            I’m aware of this. I mean she’s not her husband and it was twenty 22 years ago. 3 strikes was terrible but a lot of this is in hindsight

            • Annalise Keating

              True. I think the naysayers hold it against her because she publicly supported it. She was First Lady. She didn’t have to say anything. But she supported it and people suspected she was a part of crafting these bills.

              As a senator in New York, she has done nothing I am aware to contribute to prison reform (legislation wise). Correct me if I am wrong.

              I do think she is the “lesser of two evils” and think folks are disproportionately hard on her (after all most politicians who lobby for the black vote don’t do sheeett to help us when they get into office and they don’t get as much criticism as she has).

              But thinking she will make a dent in systemic racism (that is intricately woven into the fabric of our society and culture and is a large part of the foundation of this country) is a little too optimistic for my cynical tastes?. And she gave no concrete plan that I could discern in her speech about dismantling systemic racism. I agree that she acknowledged it tho. Which is great and more than Trump did.

              • Kas

                I see no lies in what you wrote.

          • Leggy

            Three strikes was terrible but didn’t even black folks support it at that time? They saw crack and cocaine destroying their communities and they thought it was going to help. It didn’t but we know that NOW. all of this criticism is AFTER seeing the effect the policy had even though people thought it’d be good then.

            • Annalise Keating

              Excellent point. The reason why I don’t blame regular citizens as much as senate/congress/president is cos these bills are typically very long. Sometimes hundreds of pages. With many details that can have negative repercussions. Many private citizens don’t read these bills in the detail. We just know the summary/cliff notes versions that our politicians feed us. Our politicians should know and know the details but ignore it. and or they should add details that will circumvent these issues. But they don’t.

              Like the obamacare bill. Great in theory. The cliff notes version sounded like a field of lilies and roses. I was a
              big supporter. But the real thing is trash. Except if you are of the very low income tax bracket. If you are in the middle class or higher, it is pure unadulterated trashhhhh.
              So middle class and up are taxed heavily to pay for this. And we pay high premiums for the insurance itself. But we get sheetttyyy coverage. Low income pay close to nothing for it and get better coverage. Which is crae crae. But we were never given any of this detail in the cliffs notes version of the bill.

              Are you getting my drift…?

              • Leggy

                I understand totally but I feel like we ignore how hard some of these politicians try to help and how much they are screwed or how much the people around them present them with the best case scenario after the bill they presented is gutted by the house and senate. A lot of the things that went wrong with three strikes and Obama care are the compromises they had to make to get these things approved. Also we discount the human aspect of politics, it’s very possible that bill and his people really thought they were doing a good thing and even after all the compromise to get to the final bill and the overwhelming support that bill had, they possibly felt they couldn’t back out.

                • Annalise Keating

                  I don’t know you at all but You seem like a good person who is always willing to give folks the benefit of doubt. I wish I could be like this. Maybe someday….

              • Crawford

                I think the issue with some of that is having a majority Republican congress and making sacrifices. Heck, the crime law seemed to be a function of that: http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2016/02/22/dont_punish_clinton_sanders_for_1994_crime_bill_129729.html
                Basically, things get complicated when everyone has vastly different ways of dealing with a problem and it seems it’s only grown more partisan.

            • yep.

        • Cynical people need to address the problems of their weakness instead of trying to drag down people to their level.

          The cure for cynicism is work.

          • Nik White

            I’m cynical and voting for Hillary so there’s still hope for us not to get Strumpt.

            • You’re not cynical then, my dear. You are jaded and are thus willing to embrace hard decisions.

              Cynical people would either do nothing (not vote), or make a decision with no impact (vote third party) and then complain nothing matters.

              • Nik White

                Jaded it is!

        • Overtymem Usicradio

          Just remember one thing, no matter how hard you try, or how smart you are….you can’t fix stupid.

    • Dee

      Her talking about it doesn’t mean she will do anything, to me there is a major difference, it’s pandering. This is the cycle of the election process, always has been, they sweet talk you to vote. It is what it is, and people seem to forget that. But I think all can agree this election is the worse and no one in my eyes won the debate. It was the worst debate of all time.

      • Brandon Allen

        If someone is campaigning…what isn’t pandering? Or do you feel campaigning shouldn’t happen.

        • Dee

          Campaigning should happen, but in truth, that is what campaigning should be. (I know idealistic). Unfortunately we want to hear what we want to hear, even if it doesn’t stand in truth. So sweet talking does the trick for many folks. People like DT and HC are given the space to pander because in someways we have allowed it, we in someways have set the standard of what we want to hear. If the truth was told people wouldn’t know what to do with themselves.

        • THIS

      • My memory may fail me, but I think she’s the first presidential candidate to actual utter those words. That means something.

      • Photoshop’s a helluva drug

        But Trump isn’t even sweet talking you. He is sweet talking racists. So how is this a hard vote to cast?

      • HoneyRose

        Talking about it is the first step, and I’d rather elect someone who is willing to talk and think about it than someone who isn’t.

    • Anyone who supported the war in Libya is not getting my vote.

  • NonyaB

    “What would definitely not happen is indecision. … I can not imagine someone of clear mind and sound body still somehow being unsure about who they’re voting for. ”

    Exactly. Why so many people find it easier to admit to murder than to say who they’ll vote for, saying they don’t know yet? The leading candidates, their positions, track records are well known and your preference is equally well known to you. Yet, there’s this inherent lying and hypocrisy around something as basic as who they think should get the CEO-of-country job. Also interesting to see how emotion and lofty ideals trumps pragmatism each time. Good luck, ‘Murica; you gon’ need it.

    • Considering the choices in Canada last go round, you’re only doing better in the sense that they aren’t actively destroying the country up there. They aren’t exactly good.

      • NonyaB

        Choices here are much better. Last govt (conservative) was increasingly stronghanded about neglecting like climate change (partly due to oil influence) and even stifling dissent (eg not enabling press questions of PM at public events) but the economy was generally doing good. Even so, the people weren’t having it so they got the boot. Current liberal govt has work to do but we’re very much for them starting out with things like diversifying the fxck outta the cabinet/minsterial posts, instituting more solid plans for Aboriginal interests (prioritizing resources, livelihood improvement, etc).

        So, overall, ees good and compared to your claustrofxck, downright golden. Vive la Canuckia! ?

        • Hey, I just think the head of the Libertarian Party of Canada is cool. I’m on his fan page on Facebook, and the memes he posts are hilarious.

          • NonyaB

            I didn’t know there was a libertarian cell heyuh, partly because they 0 seats in the House of Commons and 0 in the Senate.

    • Kas

      Good luck Canada. We are moving in.

      • mssporadic

        Norm Kelly’s mentions were hilarious last night with people requesting to move to Toronto. I’m going to Windsor, Ontario. I still get the Detroit skyline…win-win for me!

      • NonyaB

        Hah! It wouldn’t be election time if y’all didn’t threaten to move in.

      • Cheech

        They’re building a wall. We’re going to pay for it.

  • King Beauregard

    The debate served another subtle purpose: it forced people to watch these two at length. It’s a lot easier to like Donald in little braggadocious sound bites than when he’s getting flustered because someone brought up his record of failure. So, is it possible that some of his fans will sour on him, because he’s a little less fun now?

    • Kas

      I doubt his fans will sour. He speaks to their id.

      • The 40% of the people who are voting for him want to be just like him- loud, brash, cruel, and held unaccountable for their actions.

        • Mochasister

          Sad to say but many people find his behavior to be admirable. Being polite and well mannered are seen as signs of weakness.

    • Cleojonz

      This is why he is so dangerous right now. His supporters will only see it as the liberal media bullying him, not that he is unfit an unprepared. I saw it all over twitter last night. Fact checkers were going overtime on his lies last night but they won’t get it.

      • Janelle S

        That claim that he was bullied is insanity given how much talk time he had all night. Holt let him run his mouth throughout the entire thing, and they want to claim he was “bullied”.

        • Tambra

          He has blamed Lester and the mic. If it were Hillary sniffling, you know her obit would have been printed already.

          • Janelle S

            How he could possibly fix his mouth to say the mic had problems is a sign of how deep his delusion goes. That man is ill.

            • Tambra

              The man is entitled. And has gotten away with projecting that he is the epitome of success and class, while being as tacky as heck. A lot of his gloss has been wiped away.

              • Kas

                The people that Stan for him think he is as glossy as ever.

                • Tambra

                  Yeah but people had a belief that he was better than he was and some of that is gone.

                  • Kas

                    I don’t know that I agree. People who pay attention have always known he was puffed up nothing. I’m not sure that those that are late to the game can get past the fact that he is a “billionaire”. The U.S. has done a disservice by conflating wealth with quality of person holding said wealth.

                    • Tambra

                      Well the American dream, that is why he is throwing around the narrative that his wealth is self made. But internationally, because of his brusk ways of self projecting, he was seen as some sort of success, but people now know differently. A lot of those scales have been removed. Among yard fowls though, that’s another story.

                    • Kas

                      Well his dad only gave him $14 million. Sounds self made to me. We won’t get into the fact that all told he inherited more in the neighborhood of $100 million. At either amount, any of his followers (I won’t sully the word “supporter) are lying to themselves about him being a self made man. He speaks to their fears and/or racism. Dassit.

                    • Mochasister

                      I wish my father would “only” give me $14 million dollars. That’s hardly pulling onself up by the bootstraps.

            • Cleojonz

              His mike was working just fine when he was interrupting Hillary.

        • Cleojonz

          We were all yelling at the screen “Lester cut him off!!!” It started at the very beginning too he was allowed to just keep talking and talking.

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