Cancel The Debates, The Choice Is Clear; Clinton Vs Trump Is A Bucket Of Prune Juice Vs A Bucket Of Shit » VSB

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Cancel The Debates, The Choice Is Clear; Clinton Vs Trump Is A Bucket Of Prune Juice Vs A Bucket Of Shit

Mark Ralston/Pool/Getty Images

 

If, for some mysterious reason, The Cheesecake Factory were to all of a sudden add a two gallon bucket of shit to their menu, it would (probably) get quite a bit of news coverage and (definitely) cause quite a bit of confusion.

“Why would they do this?” people would ask. “What benefit could that possibly bring to their business?” those same people would ask. “Wouldn’t that be, like, a health risk or something?” they’d ask again, after a couple of drinks. “And what kind of shit would it even be? And how will they collect it?” they’d ask in the Uber on the way home at the end of the night, not even really wanting to know the answers to those questions.

But, there would also be people who’d be intrigued by The Cheesecake Factory’s decision. Who’d wonder if there were some sort of hidden health benefit to two gallon buckets of shit. “Maybe it’s the new Thai food. Or maybe even the new gluten free.” they’d say, as they’d ponder going to a restaurant and shaping their mouths to ask the server to bring them a bucket of shit for them to eat. “I mean, if The Cheesecake Factory is putting it on their menu — willingly to risk their health code rating and bankrupt their company just to add this item — maybe it can’t be all that bad.”

So people would continue to go to The Cheesecake Factory. And most would choose from the old menu selections and attempt to ignore the smell of the shit brewing in the back. But you’d have that small and curious and stupid percentage of people who’d come specifically just for the shit. And they’d order it. And it would come. And then they’d make the final decision about whether they actually want to forever be known as a person who came to a restaurant, ordered a bucket of shit, ate it, paid for it, left a tip, and left.

What would definitely not happen is indecision. No one would come in there thinking about buckets of shit and then say “Nah. I think I’m gonna get the Chargrilled Coulotte Steak instead.” And no one would be deciding between ordering the Sweet Corn Tamale Cakes, the Spicy Ahi Tempura Roll, and the Two Bucket Gallon Of Medium Rare Horse Shit.

I’m writing this a half hour or so after watching Hillary Clinton debate Donald Trump. It was spirited, absurd, ridiculous, hilarious, frightening, and entertaining. It was also pointless. At least, pointless in terms of what function a debate in September is supposed to serve. Which is a way for the candidates to sway undecided voters. And I can not imagine someone of clear mind and sound body still somehow being unsure about who they’re voting for. I can understand the ambivalence about whether to cast a vote at all. Or about whether to vote for Johnson or Stein. (Which is ultimately the same as not voting at all.)

But a decision between Trump and Clinton is a decision between “Hey, I think I’m going to yoga class this morning. And then maybe Trader Joe’s.” and “Hey. I think I’m going to go clone a herd of reindeer and use its meat for this meat puppet reenactment of the Kennedy assassination I’m building in my basement.” Those thoughts do not — well, should not — exist in the same mind.

These debates will continue to happen, of course. And they will matter less and less. Because if you’re even remotely considering ordering and drinking (Or eating? I don’t know how shit consumption works) a two gallon bucket of shit, there’s nothing left to be said to you.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Vanity in Peril

    I. Am. Drunk. As. Hayl.

    All I got from this is that Trump has a 10 year old son and he is legit crazy.

    Trump, not his son. But prolly his whole family.

    • Cleojonz

      I am so hungover. This much shenaniganizing should not be permitted on a Monday night.

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      I quit while I was ahead. That crown royal black and took a Ni99a out! I think I missed the last 20 minutes of the debate because, alcohol. But I survived!

    • Mochasister

      His ten year old probably has more sense than him.

  • Temi B Agaba

    This was the scariest unintentional horror film I’ve ever seen in my life smh

  • Anat

    Saw this tweet and found it most accurate:
    “There’s rarely been a more apt metaphor for American history than watching a well-qualified woman and an intelligent black man try to corral a screaming white man.”

    • Bri

      Hey lovely vsb readers! After last night…….y’all know that his supporters are still going to vote for him right?

      • Lorirthorpe1

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    • Me

      I find it funny how everyone keeps thinking the white man is the only problem and that our saviors will be some white woman and/or black man while the rest of us sit by waiting for deliverance.

      • RhetoricalReverie

        I don’t think anyone thinks that.

        • KSundai

          No one thinks that, the facts are it will be one of these 2 people. There will be no revolution or upheaval of gov’t before the election so it’s either you get down or lay down.

  • I’m with you on this Damon. This debate made it clear that the person on the November ballot who is prepared and qualified to continue leading America’s recovery (in Obama’s footsteps) is Hillary Clinton. I’m sick and tired of all the false equivalency statements that have been bandied about ever since the Dems & Reps picked their nominees. Well voting day will be here before we know it – I’ll know then if enough people in this, my adopted nation have enough fortitude to keep the country upright.

    • Cherron

      False equivalencies are the primary problem with this entire election

    • But this whole article is a false equivalency, people pretending to be torn about voting for Hillary like she wasn’t part of Obamas cabinet. It was a pretty open secret that she had next since the concession in 2008 and now everyone playing dumb because they learned about the crime bill from a Facebook status 2 years ago.

      • Well, I didn’t exactly rock with Obama like that so…

        • Yes, it’s been well documented. As has Champ’s and others support for Obama who now we act like Hillary was Bills VP and not 3rd in command in the Obama Administration

      • Jacqueline

        Right and complaining about the crime bill that was supported by the Congressional Black Congress and most of Black America.

        Cherry picking is never a good look.

        My grandmother always warned us about becoming college educated fools….

      • Leggy

        I will never understand people who are torn about voting for her. It’s never facts, they’re either insulting her for something her husband did or repeating sound bites they heard on twitter. This woman has worked hard to be here. It’s quite interesting to see how many people in this so-called progressive first world country are still turned off by a woman dating to be ambitious.
        I’ve literally heard “she wants to be president too much for me to not be uncomfortable with it” right here in these comment streets.

        • NonyaB

          I recall that; rather incredulous. Since when did ambition become a dirty thing? And why did we never hear it flung at any other politician? Ridiculous.

        • Annalise Keating

          Maybe this will help:
          https://www.thenation.com/article/hillary-clinton-does-not-deserve-black-peoples-votes/
          And there’s her track record as a Senator for the State of New York…
          She has done a lot for children though throughout her career. But not much good for black folks.

          • Leggy

            But all of this is what her husband did not her own personal record. I couldn’t continue reading cos I was already half way through and it’s all bill Clinton and the only connection the author made was to say she supported his policies in public. Apart from her “superpredator” comment which was super problematic, do you really expect Hilary to criticize her own husband’s legacy while he was in office (also, she has since criticized his crime bill after he left office)? All of this is asking a woman to bear the shame of her husband’s actions which is super problematic on its own. I’d like an article that is anti Hilary that’ll not make a single mention of bill and tell me things about Hilary herself as a politician.

            • Annalise Keating

              I do not expect her to criticize her husbands legacy. But if you don’t believe the rumors that she had a lot of influence and was a significant contributor in a lot of his legacies while he was in office then at least believe what she says.

              She has publicly claimed to have been influential In a lot of his policies including the crime bills and welfare reform.

              I am a native New Yorker. she made a lot of sweet promises to black folks in the state when she was running for senate. She served two terms as a senator for the state and did nothing that served our interest. Nothing. Did not support or initiate any legislature on prison reform despite having conceded the problem of mass incarceration and its effect on the black community. Instead her legacy during those terms was strong support of the Afganistan and Iraqi war.

              I am not saying she is a bad person. I concede that she is a better candidate than Trump. And that people are way too hard on her. Especially for things that most of her peers do consistently and repeatedly without the same backlash . It’s likely misogyny (from both men and women) has a little something to do with this.

              But she is no saint. And I wish we had a better solution than the lesser of two evils. Especially since like many others she has a long history (excluding her husbands term) of making empty promises she has no intention of keeping.

              • Leggy

                I’ve never claimed Hilary to be a saint. She’s a politician. They all have blood on their hands, they’ve all wined and dined with the devil. My problem with the Hilary narrative is that people are judging her way more as if she’s any more corrupt than your absolute favorite politician. You can literally name the cleanest politician you can think of and I’ll dig up 40 terrible things they’ve done as politicians but people treat Hilary like she’s the worst of the worst. And that’s what I have a problem with.
                Also I’ve never heard her claim to have had influence on his crime and welfare bill but I could absolutely be wrong.

                • Annalise Keating

                  What has Uncle Bernie ever done besides saves puppies and plant fields of lilies and roses for all to enjoy??

                  Jokes asides: I have heard Bernie is a relatively good dude so I would like some dirt.

                  And no I didn’t vote for Bernie in the primaries. I am one of those useless cynics who didn’t vote at all?.

    • Annalise Keating

      My theory is that all these “undecided” voters are just Trump supporters and Hilary haters who don’t want to admit that they will vote for trump. But come Election Day their vote will be very clear and decisive in the privacy of the voting booth.

      • That would be a sight to see!

    • A reasonable person can argue that Hillary Clinton is better than Trump. That’s a far cry from saying that she’s good however. It’s like because Trump is a jerk, we’re going to ignore her very real issues. An apology would be nice at some point.

      • At least from the circles I travel in, I don’t see any hand waving away of Clinton’s issues. I hope that people are doing the pro/con list comparison to reach a decision about whoever they want to vote for. I don’t think it’s possible to have an American politician in modern times that will never have a downside (based upon your values) to their record.

  • Stop & Frisk????? I can’t….

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Let’s not even get into the fact that it’s been proven to be biased and not even work….

      • “M”

        Ruled unconstitutional, and then apparently Bloomberg when Mayor planned an appeal and DiBlasio elected not to pursue it (thus showing some common sense).

        And then, yes – as you say, there’s that whole “not working / wholly ineffectual” thing.

        But Trump says “Worked great!!”

        /lord grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man

      • Annalise Keating

        #Facts. Reports showed that greater than 95% of the folks they stopped and frisked were innocent civilians. Very very very few legitimate arrests were made from stop and Frisk.

      • LMNOP

        It’s basically designed to be biased.

      • Janelle S

        But when Holt pointed this out last night, Trump assured us that it did work, and was constitutional! Who to believe?

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      For real yo…don’t laugh at dudes when they talk about Trump and the coming ‘police state’. That shyt is real.

      • Annalise Keating

        I don’t laugh. I just keep saving my coins with plans to move to Accra or Nairobi when Trump gets elected. Not if he gets elected. But when he gets elected.

    • Negro Libre

      I’ve never liked the debates that go around Stop & Frisk though.

      The fact is that no one with a rational mind could read the 4th Amendment and then read all the other precedents used to justify Stop and Frisk, like Terry vs. Ohio and the other standard of “reasonable suspicion” which is double talk for “Police Officer’s whim” and say such things are logically compatible. it reeks of the rise of “pragmatism” in American law. Basically, all Stop & Frisk ever was and is, are licenses to police designed to discriminate against poor people who live in cities vs. those who live in suburban areas and the wealthier urban areas. It cannot exist without discrimination and should always be expected to be subject to abuses of power.

      There’s a person I follow on twitter who tweets about all the Stop and Frisk stops in 2011 alone, see for yourself the “reasonable suspicions” that cops cited:

      https://twitter.com/stopandfrisk

      And oh, here is the 4th amendment to the Constitution:

      Amendment IV

      The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

      Stop and Frisk isn’t unconstitutional because after years, some bureaucrats and social scientists came together, did a bunch of data analysis and then voila, saw that black and brown people got stopped more…it’s unconstitutional in principle, and only serves the purpose of giving police officers a free ride to harass anyone they like, without fear or consequence – unless they can get an expensive lawyer. Even if it did “work” and got all the guns off the streets, it would still be unconstitutional.

  • nillalatte

    http://www.debatedrinking.com/

    Next time we shall.

  • HouseOfBonnets
    • Other_guy13

      umm

      • HouseOfBonnets

        it’s my coping mechanism for election16…Patent pending.

    • NonyaB

      Sounds like the name of a ratchet band! ?

  • rikyrah

    Hillary iis a grown up TracyFlick-and finally it was used to her advantage tonight.

  • Tesia T

    Why do you think voting for a third party would equal to not voting at all?

    • Because we dare not question the wisdom of the double plus good Democratic National Committee. They know all, and they know best. And if you complain, there is something wrong with you.

      • Kas

        Now give her the real answer.

        • I tell the truth even when I lie.

          • Kas

            Cackle and touché

            ETA: also stealing that line.

    • Kas

      Because 3rd parties haven’t done the work to build a party that can win at the local level, let alone the Presidency.

  • Annalise Keating

    Trump voters will vote for him regardless of what he says, or does, or how badly he performs in any of these debates.
    Hilary haters will continue to hate even if she turns water into wine.
    So yes, these debates are pointless.

    Highlights of the debate:
    Hilary: the few tax returns we have seen show you didn’t pay any taxes.
    Trump: that is because I am smart.

    Hilary: you profited off the housing crisis and the misery and pain of others
    Trump: That is good business.

    ????? I can’t stop laughing….

    • nillalatte

      I seriously want a transcript to break it down just like that! Trumpsters need the written sound bites. I want to post to say bretbart(?) or the local news website & let the deprogramming begin! lol

      • MsMogul
      • Annalise Keating

        You are more optimistic about Trumpsters and Breitbarts than I am. As someone who has the fortune of working with these folks on a daily basis, I have learned that they don’t care about logic. It doesn’t matter how many facts you hit them with. They deflect, pull a bait and switch or just flat out use denial. So I have just given up. The same applies to discussing matters like racism and BLM with them.

        • Kas

          Misfortune of working with them

          • Annalise Keating

            Many of my colleagues are Trumpsters and Breitbarts.
            And No I do not work in a satanic cult?.

            • Kas

              You said the fortune of working with them, I though misfortune was more appropriate.

              • Annalise Keating

                Ok. Got it. I was being sarcastic when I said fortune tho

                • Kas

                  Got it.

            • NonyaB

              OhMahGawd! *Sprinkles extra ashes and curses on your behalf*

              • Annalise Keating

                LMAO!!!

            • Leggy

              I work with a Mexican who is an immigrant who is a trumpster. I just look at him in such disappointment. Every time I ask him WHY he’s voting for trump he never has any coherent answer. Just starts calling Hilary “kilary”

              • Jacqueline

                I have never seen so many people proud to not think for themselves and I have never seen so much self hate and wanting to be with the crowd.

                White Supremacy is as powerful of a drug for some people as cocaine is. SMH

              • Nik White

                He’s trying to pass.

                • Mochasister

                  That’s was my thought. He must be one of these Mexicans who considers himself white.

              • Annalise Keating

                Sad. Very sad.

              • Mochasister

                Hasn’t he heard Trump’s talk about building a wall to curb illegal immigration and his plan to stick Mexico with the bill? Or is he one of these Mexicans that considers himself to be white like the people on the telenovelas? That’s the only way I could see him supporting that ?pendejo?.

                • Leggy

                  I can’t wrap my head around it. If he was born here I think I’d understand it more but he was born in Mexico, came here at 19. He has his passport now but somehow he’s supporting trump? It really confuses me.

            • Where do you work?

              The ED of my school said #blacklivesmatter and flat out doesn’t care how much money it causes us to lose via fundraising. “We’ll make a way” he said.

              • Annalise Keating

                In a hospital.

                Is the ED of your school black?

                • No. White.

                  • Annalise Keating

                    Wow. Impressive.

                    • I work for an incredible organization.

                    • Red October

                      Incredible. This shed some sunlight into a dreary day. Y’all hiring? Lol

                    • Always. Willing to move to rural Arkansas?

                    • Red October

                      Hmmmm actually I probably don’t stay too far lol. I reside in Memphis. Intriguing…

                    • If you’re serious about teaching, hit me up through the Contact page on my blog and we can begin the conversation.

                      hhharris.wordpress.com

                    • Red October

                      Word! Will do.

                    • Mochasister

                      Shocking.

        • Mochasister

          What do you do? If I might ask.

    • Question

      So bold.

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