One of the main premises that’s arisen out of the myriad discussions that have occurred here at VSB.com is this:
Men and women just plain out view things differently.
I’ve long contended that the major reason that men and women butt heads so much is that men and women refuse to acknowledge the fact that we’ll never truly understand why we each do the things we do. Women think men are complex and men think that men are simple.
Men think that women are irrationally emotional and women think that women are only responding to the energy that men bring forth. It’s a tangled web we weave.
It’s like we eat because we’re fat. But we’re fat because we can’t stop eating. It’s a vicious cycle.
One interesting place where these differences arise that I, as a man, can’t really comprehend why the difference occurs is here:
When dating, men look for ass first and end up finding meaning with a woman. Women on the other hand look for meaning from the beginning and get surprised when men tend to be the very jackass that their daddy (if he was even there) told them to avoid. What this basically means is that women are always hoping for the best and probably hopeless romantics. But the problem with always hoping for the best is that there’s another half to that equation, and the two equal up to life. The second half is to prepare for the worst.
So when many women seem to be enthusiastically miffed the f*ck up by a man who only wants to see her naked, I’m genuinely surprised. Especially since every single woman I know believes that men just want to see them in their skivvies anyway. Yet somehow, even the most practical and pragmatic women is honestly shocked, dismayed, and disappointed when a cat she had high hopes for shows his ass as the South Street Slut Sleeper.
Now of course, I tend to believe that at their core, women are better people than men. Women operate on feelings and warm and fuzzy places. And men, well, we like warm and fuzzy places. Attached to legs. It isn’t that men aren’t good people, it’s just we’re more animally instinctual. We like to pounce on things and women make such fun things to pounce on. Grr.
Now there’s probably a good reason for the difference in women’s attitudes towards dating et al. Women are socialized to be more passive and to basically not be whores – which is good. Being a whore seems like it’d totally suck.
Um, no pun intended.
But the thing is that I think we men have it right when it comes to choosing our mates. We get all the whorishness out of our system and then decide its time to settle down and get us a wife and make a family. Most women just look for the first thing smoking instead of giving themselves the opportunity to fully explore themselves and let their soul glow.
They don’t let it shine through.
I understand why women seek out a husband first and then start dating, but I don’t really get it. Mostly because I know good and doggone well that as a man, it seems like there’s just too much to do before you get married.
But maybe it’s not for me to really understand anyway. Maybe that’s the beauty that is women. All full of hopes and dreams and belief in men allowing for the continuation of the species.
Good thing I’m a man then…since you’re hopes and dreams ensure that a brotha’s gonna get a chance to work it out.
And isn’t that what it’s really all about anyway?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST
Panama, I agree with everything you’re stating here. But the main reason why we look for husband material first, the main reason why we ‘hope for the best’ and put all of our eggs in one basket and all that is because our parents raised us to be little princesses. My mother wouldn’t let me date until I was 17 AND she sent me to all-girl schools for 9 years! We are socialized to search for ‘the one’, though sadly our male counterparts are brought up to ‘sew their wild oats’. I sort of wish my parents encouraged me to date more, and not get focused on one guy. But then again in our society, if a woman isn’t a one woman man she’s labeled as a ho. Bottom line is, I blame the parents.
@Miss Patterson. I blame the parents too but for different reasons. I wanted to get married right out of high school but since I wasn’t pregnant, my mom told me I needed to explore some more and NOT put all my eggs in the one basket. Parents are huge interferers and walking contradictions. Well, at least my mom is.
“Parents are huge interferers”
sounds like your mom interfered in a good way
@Champ. Not!!! I could be married with 4 kids and have military benefits!
so if you could go back you’d change the decision that was made?
@Champ. I sure would. I understand the butterfly affect so I know everything as I know it would be different and that’s kewl with me. I should have followed my heart and not my mother!
I read “married”…”4 kids”…and “benefits”…but do you think you would be happy? I mean this is completely hypothetical…but I got married to my high school sweetheart but I wasn’t the same person then that I am now… unless you think your almost husband is/was the kind of man that would support and encourage personal growth (even if it takes you outside the home/relationship) you would, more than likely, become dissatisfied with your life and think of the opportunites you passed up as you raced down the aisle…just a young divorced woman’s opinion…
@Goodness. Yes, I still talk to my high school sweet heart. He is on his second marriage and first child. I would have been very happy with him back then. He was my biggest cheerleader and thought the world of me. He would have encouraged me to walk on water if I told him that’s what I wanted to do. I sure knew how to pick up back then… (sigh) We grew in different directions though so we can NEVER be together now.
And back then, being married and having kids would have made me super happy. Let see, my oldest would be about 8 or 9 and I am sure, I could have maintained a career that was fit for me. Family has always been more important than work. Maybe it’s just me. I’m just the settling down type. Don’t get it twisted though I have experienced every stage from partying daily, stalking my fav college boo , pimping suga daddies, and now live in wifey. But if I knew then what I know now, I would have married him when he asked me to.
oh yeh, i blame barbie & ken too. i had like 20 barbie dolls (in every color and nationality) and only 1 KEN doll. ONE! Seriously, all insanity aside…this shit starts when we’re young. 20 barbies competing over one man…one singular prototype. (and before you ask it’s not because I didn’t want more Ken dolls they made like 2 varieties of Ken -malibu ken and more grown up ken) what am i saying? i’m saying the socialization of young girls and women runs deep. It runs as deep as Mattel, Inc. (i need coffee now)
I blame Disney! Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, even Alladin. All these princesses looking for their one prince. No whoring around. Even the Disney Soundtracks continue to model the role a young princess should play: “Someday your prince will come” “When you wish upon a star”
Disney is EVIL!
***alter call on Easter Sunday***
SOW!
sorry I’m a Virgo. misuse of common phrases bothers me. I apologize for the outburst. You shoulda seen me screaming during katrina coverage when people couldn’t say laughingstock. Sigh
damn! damn! damn! —i just recovered the points i lost for “sow not sew” because i know both the name of the actress and character who delivered that line in which show and which season. earlier phrase transgression forgiven. (smile)
I agree. Parents are huge interferers. My parents wouldn’t let me date until I was 18! I started dating my first semester of college and that was not a good idea because it made me so naive when it came to guys. I would see guys for their potential instead of what they were and wasted time with the wrong guys for years.
yeah that ish right there facilitates a phenomenon that we at the University of Houston (main campus) called “getting bopped” the naive girls that went home at winter break and didn’t come back because santa brought them baby daddies for Chri’muh…
bopped huh?
Texas finest.
You are pretty on point with everthing you are saying and you have a clear view on the man/woman thing. As Miss Patterson stated we as women were taught at an early age to save ourselves, no man wants a ho, and we can’t do the same things men do. Everyone who grew up with a brother knows their brother got away with way more than she did simply because he was a boy. I think nowadays women are allowed to be more sexually free especially with what the media feeds. Examples: Samantha ‘Sex in the City”, Lynn “Girlfriends”, Feeby” Friends” and there are more examples. All these women potray that it is ok to sleep around, just like men do because they are supposedly in touch with their sexuality. Unfortunately this game doesn’t work.
As you stated men and women are wired differently, thats just how it is. Anytime a woman tries to play the same game a man plays we lose. We are emotional creatures. We want love, support, stability, and respect. This is what we are taught we will get with a husband. Hence the reason we look for this first. Dating can only be fun for a while. Women are wired to be married and be with one person because we are soooo emotionally driven.
“Dating can only be fun for a while” this statement along outlines the problem. In fact, I want a t-shirt that says just that.
Ms Devereaux waxes wise Elenda concurs:
“Dating can only be fun for a while”
you can say the same thing about pizza, cars, music, school and YOU CAN DAM THE F*** SURE SAY IT ABOUT MARRIAGE.
Marriage is only fun for a while
would you wear that t-shirt? LOL!
@GK. I’ll pass on that one. I believe in th “happily ever after” theory
Then again, I am not married yet.
Elenda keep living.
…never never land, right next to peter pan and nobody wants to grow old. Lyfe Jennings
@GK I just KNOW you didn’t type MUSIC in that list of temporary fun-tivities!!!
next time you come to the corner, I am gonna wax that azz!
“As you stated men and women are wired differently, thats just how it is. Anytime a woman tries to play the same game a man plays we lose.”
****”the prayer” skit on dmx’s “its dark and hell is hot”****
“women are always hoping for the best and probably hopeless romantics.”
Most of us are emotionally driven as Ms. Devereaux said. We want to see the best in the men we choose to date. As I stated in yesterday’s post, I think us cutting ourselves off from the dating pool immediately upon meeting a guy is a huge mistake.
I agree, we are wired different. I always suggest to female friends to keep dating others and they refuse. They always want to put all their eggs in one basket and then get upset when they end up disappointed. I don’t get that at all. Just out differences, I guess.
THE ARSONIST said
Now there’s probably a good reason for the difference in women’s attitudes towards dating et al. Women are socialized to be more passive and to basically not be whores – which is good. Being a whore seems like it’d totally suck.
Yes being a whore sucks so why is it that men choose it? Where is your socialization and why are you not huntin for it? I don’t understand this logic. Whorein’ around is a double edged sword. Nothing good comes from it even for men. It’s just not a good look for either gender. For the record a man over 35 with getting the panties as his only knowledge of women is super wack. When whoring around you tend to practice relating with no intention of positive growth. Being decietful is what you learn being a whore. You will intern be nothing but a well practiced….well you get the picture. While all types of relationship are important in my opinion I just think that our emotional selves could do without the ‘what not to do’ training; it makes some people heartless, cold and unable to communicate effectivly. To grow with someone with an open heart and mind can be enchanting and it doesn’t mean that you will marry them either; just a positive life lesson. Why not set youself up for relationship success? Meaningful relations is the key. One on one is the best, I’ve always felt that is when you can see yourself the clearest. When focusing on how one person sees you and reacts to you is the best way to refine and define yourself. I never understood the logic behind denying yourself that opportunity. Just my two cents. If most men thought this way there would be alot less slashed tires and sistas with baggage. Not to mention that it would probably be easier to get the goodies.
And why this topic? At the end of the day somebodies gonna be in the corner (I’m thinkin’ Goodness ’cause yall always got that sista in the corner. Keep ya head up sis). Somebodies gonna be mad at Champ or Panama. With atleast one request for cambodian breast milk. Why you want the fam to fight man? Hommies over the ho issue man. Just think about it.
I’m tired as hell and in my head this commet was witty and insightful; so if it ain’t send me a smile and pertend that it was.
I don’t mind being lied to I dated brother or two back in the day
And it’s for a good cause. Just jokes, just jokes 
…………….you know how much we like dem smilies…
I should have read your comment before I wrote my own. I concur.
“a man over 35 with getting the panties as his only knowledge of women is super wack.”
If a man is still a player past 30, that dude is wack and immature. Seriously, do something with you life!
I think an issue is that people dont understand that certain people just do not want certain things. Im not over 30, but I am at the age where “society” is saying I need to start looking for a wife. I like the fact that I can have a nice romantic dinner with a classy lady. I also like the fact that I can go to the club, catch a freaky dime and and do a one-nighter. No one is being mislead because I pretty much walk around with a shirt that says “I dont want a relationship”. Is a man who dates as freely as he wants immature, or is he just aware of what he wants and makes no qualms about it?
@No More Heroes. He’s immature. What’s his reasonf or not wanting to settle down? Is he asexual. Oh no, he’s not because he does freaky dimes regularly. FOH!
But for what reason? Why is he immature? What difference does it make whats is reason is? If a man doesnt want to be a father is he immature for never having children? I know women who dont want children, are they immature too? Or are people immature because they dont fit to your standards?
@No More Heroes. YES! I am a judgemental B*tch and I believe if you are a certain age, you should be at a certain stage in life. Kind of like if you are age 6, you should be in the first grade (kindergarten if your birthday is late) and you should be doing certain 6-year old things.
If you are 30, you should be ready to settle down unless you have a great excuse. For example: if you had kids at 18 and didn’t get a change to wile out, you are excused; but I expect your @ss to get back on track in 5 years. LOL! Also, it’s also like a 40 year old man rocking some cornrolls to his 9-5. FOH!
Not having kids is a mature decision. Even I say if I am 32 and NOT pregnant, I am not having any. I don’t want kids when I am too old to care for them or have NO patience for them. Js.
What is your reason for not wanting to settle down? I need to know. I’ll tell you if it is good enough for me.
That has nothing to do with maturity. Some people should never settle down and some people should never have kids. Some people just don’t come equipped with the tools to do those things and they shouldn’t be forced or pressured to conform to someone elses standard on what a person should be doing at a certain age.
In addition people are just different. Some peole are ready to settle down and get married at twenty and some people reach the age at 50. There is nothing wrong with that. It shouldn’t be a automatic negative mark because you are single or childless at 30, or 40 or whatever. If you want to demerit someone do it for more valid reasons.
I know myself that I am in no hurry to do either and I will not do it just because people on the outside no matter who they are say I should’ve done this by now. That rationale I feel is ridiculous. I’ll do both when I feel I’m good and ready. Plus and grandfather told me I shouldn’t even consider doin anything like that till I am over 35. He said I need to be doin me. I figure he knows what he is talking about
Couldnt have said it better. People are so blinded by what society tells them they should do that they look down upon others who dont share the same view.
@Deviant. No offense but your grandfather is full. How old was he when you got married and reproduced. I bet you all the money in my account (and today is pay day) that it was not 35! You better start considering the souce before you take advice from some old dude that is a walking contradiction. (cooling down now)
Neither one of you men have given me a valid reason as to why you are NOT ready? So you are going to wait until you are 35 to have kids and get married?FOH! You do know that the average person is 70 when they die!!!!!!!! What are you waiting on?!?! Time ain’t fa eva (Poetic Justice quote for those wondering)
He was young thats why he told me to wait. My reason is I don’t want to. Thas all the reason you need. I could drop dead tomorrow does that mean I shoudl get married and knock someone up today? How is that a sound decision?
“In addition people are just different. Some peole are ready to settle down and get married at twenty and some people reach the age at 50. There is nothing wrong with that. It shouldn’t be a automatic negative mark because you are single or childless at 30, or 40 or whatever. If you want to demerit someone do it for more valid reasons.”
***take 6***
@The champ. “Even if you look at it from a more worldly black community aspect, one of the reasons why our community is struggling is because so many of our people are having children and starting families much, much, much earlier than they’re supposed to.”
I totally agree with this statement. And how are people having kids… by having sex. And aren’t most people NOT READY to settle down the ones having the sex that is producing the kids destroying the families?
What is earlier than supposed to? People have been have kids fresh out of high school back when my grand and great-grands were alive and living.
” It shouldn’t be a automatic negative mark because you are single or childless at 30, or 40 or whatever.”
Champ—thanks for these words of wisdom.
@No more heroes. You can not pick and chose which society rules you want to follow. If society tells you to wrap it up b4 you stick it into that “freaky dime” in the club, you’ll do it. But if society tells you to stop destroying families in black america by refusing to marry and live with your family, you say you are not ready! Riiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhttttttttttt (not budging from soapbox)
you shouldn’t do anything cause thats what society tells you. You should make decisions based on your moral code and what you are confortable with. Who gives a fuck what the other primates think?
I actually agree with ‘no more heros’. Society does try to dictate how people should live their lives, when it shouldn’t. Not just in regards to marriage, but life in general. There’s always talk about what you “should be” doing at certain stages in life. I don’t understand why people can’t do what they feel they are READY for. The person will know when they are ready, and by forcing them to make a decision, 9 times out of 10 it will not end good. I think that’s why the divorce rate is so high now – society says they should be married with kids, and when they get in, it’s like damn I wasn’t ready for this.
Actually I’ll wrap it up because I dont want my penis to fall off. I dont blame society for that, I blame the sex-ed class for showing all those “people with STD” slides.
You just picked a rule you didnt want to follow; you said you didnt want kids. You also picked a rule you would follow, which is to settle down. Right?
And what what would be worse, not getting married and being free to do whatever without hurting anyone, or getting married and hurting my wife by cheating on her every week, because I wasnt ready to settle down?
You keep looking for a reason why I dont want to settle down, my point is that IS the reason. I dont want to. I am not ready. Why is that not enough?
People told me I needed to go to college right after high school, like most people in society. You know what happened? I went there, bullshitted, got in debt and left. I wasnt ready then. I went later when I matured and everything is good. But how much time did I waste by going when I wasnt ready, trying to conform?
elenda, everybody has their own path, their personal own timeline. i actually think that realizing that youre not ready for that type of committment and staying away from it is much more mature than just shacking up because your age “dictates” it.
and, even if you look at it from a more worldly black community aspect, one of the reasons why our community is struggling is because so many of our people are having children and starting families much, much, much earlier than they’re supposed to.
What I was tring to say was that a man or woman at 35 who’s only experience is whoring is damaged goods and there is no double standard in existance that will excuse this.
I don’t think there is a set age that anyone should get married, but I do think there should be a limit to the youthful humping. Is that wrong? I think that men are as emotionaly sensitive as women they are just more willing to hide and abuse their emotional side. This is what I don’t understand. It can be stated and accepted by women that we are masocist when in comes to affairs of the heart, but men are too. Again no good comes from whoring around for a man or a woman. Dating on the other hand is something different.
a date is a person with whom one has such a social appointment or engagement could include sex but it’s not just sex.
a whore is a person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain, just a nut.
When relating there is a existing connection that can be explored beyond the physical. Chosing not to explore that makes you a whore.
Does believing this make me judgemental? I really would like to know.
Nut cross examines: “Yes being a whore sucks so why is it that men choose it? Where is your socialization and why are you not huntin for it?”
ok so men choose to be whores but we are only whoring around with good women? is that it? poor women bad, bad, menfolk. laughable!
women and men are all whores, (in 1 sense or another) just with different price tags.
Nut theorizes: “When focusing on how one person sees you and reacts to you is the best way to refine and define yourself. I never understood the logic behind denying yourself that opportunity.”
i’m not sure you understand your own logic. try substantiating what you said without changing your statement?
here’s your quote again: “When focusing on how one person sees you and reacts to you is the best way to refine and define yourself.”
Q: now how exactly is this?
you don’t have to deny yourself the oppurtunity to best refine and define urself because you don’t have a S.O. like you can’t get the feedback from someONE else in your life like a mother, brother, sister, father, lover, friend etc. IF, IF, IF, IF that’s the best way to refine and/or define yourself. (and i don’t think it’s the best way {having A girlfriend orwife, A boyfriend or husband})
i’m not buying this and it’s not about making a case to whore. i don’t need validation to whore if that’s what i want to do and i’m certainly not trying to persuade anyone else to who errr it up.
nice try Nut but in my eyes this statement is fugazi.
Ok @ Genius this statement was written after sixteen straight hours of paperwork and my brain was fried, but I stand behind my point.
My statement was
When focusing on how one person sees you and reacts to you is the best way to refine and define yourself.”
If you are bed hopping you are not as concerned about that person as you are about the physical attraction; you tend to miss the details. Like when I dated alot I did the one nighters too. With the one nighters I cannot remeber that person beyond the sex. And yes I do think that I was whoring around so my statements are from experience. The men that I took the time to listen to understand them as a person not just a penis are so different; I learned alot about myself and what I needed in a partner. Met some good ones and some not so good. Learned fast that one night stands were not for me. Now a cut buddie maybe but that was a long time ago. I didn’t marry them all either and didn’t intend to. Again I think that all interactions with the opposite sex are important. I said that in the first post, but you skiped that part. I am an emotional creature and it took experiences for me to define it and then refine the way I reacted to that fact.
So my question is why when you know all of this men are ok with continuing on this path? Don’t you see that all the nasty attachments that women get from whoring men get too, yall are just cool with it; you admitted that. I don’t understand that. Damaged goods I tell ya is not a good look.
@NUT…thanks for the “luv” on the corner…lol…
but I am going to have to “quibble” (like Tyler be typing er’day) with you on some ish…while I do think “ho-ing around” is something that one must eventually grow out of…I take issue on two points:
point 1 – not everyone “grows” at the same rate so it’s unfair to assign ages (ie the magical age of wisdom is apparently 30-35 up in here) to the point in time when a man (or woman for that matter) should “settle down”…if you do it before you’re ready…you’re not “settling down”, you’re just “settling”…and that’s not a good look for Barbie OR Ken…
point 2 – I think we need to acknowledge (and perhaps clarify) that being over 30 and single does not mean you are ho-ing…I mean there is a VAST gray area between “single” and “ho”…and we can’t assume that a single 33 year old man is still dipping and dapping…he may have just come out of a long term joint, or is a serial dater…or a plethora of other things…casually dating, doesn’t necessarily mean casually f*cking, and that’s regardless of gender…
@Good: I totally agree.. we all are sums of our life exp.. different places in our lives – and I can’t fault him or her- if they aren’t ready…All my college frds that married young are mostly bitter and aloof about marriage..why ? They didn’t get a chance to know themselves-the men are pissed..she is not the same-she thinks he’s selfish… ( he always was- the DI had her nose open) …Knowing you want to someday be married is good- knowing who your are and who you will be IN a marriage – as a partner is even better…
See I know what I’m sayin but expressing that and doing my work proves to be very difficult. I agree with you @Goodness. What I said was
“For the record a man over 35 with getting the panties as his only knowledge of women is super wack. When whoring around you tend to practice relating with no intention of positive growth”
and what i ment was if a man only knows how to get the panties off but not how to date, have an adult conversation, share his passion about a life goal with a woman he is an emotional mess and damaged goods. I will not take that back.
My point, that was not well stated, is that it takes alot to mature therefore we have to practice it all not just the sex part. I am not saying that if a man is unmarried at 35 with no kids he’s damaged goods, maybe he is not ready to settle down and that’s ok. but if he is 35 and has never had atleast on substantial relationship what is he dating for? Sounds like an ass hunter to me. It would make me think twice maybe three four times.
We all are sums of our life experiences and when that only (please note the only) experience that you have to is I can get the panties in one nite or you can make my eyes roll to the back of my head makes you a penis with a man attached to it. And no grown ass woman wants that. Just my opinion.
Maybe it’s that I’m doing this summer program here in Atlanta and there are all these 14 year old mothers who’s baby daddies are all 35 and older (did it in two other states also). It’s more common than you think. What is the most common in most of the said baby daddies is that they are men who have practiced being whores for so long that the only females that they can relate to are the ones still rolling around in puberty. They were looking for the right one too. Sad.
I’m a realist. Maybe because I was made to talk to several grown azz men who could not, would not take adult responsibilty I got a little over the top so for that I apologize. I’ll keep my frustration over here with all this damn paper work that seems to not be going away no matter how much time I spend on VSB in hopes that it would just evaporate. Here is where I find my love for black folks again. I’ll just go back to being a lurker, maybe I’ll get more work done.
But understand @Genius, D and most of the brothers on this board are a rare breed. I’m sure with your mind and intent that you can have a hit and run every now and again but please include something else more meaningful that doesn’t involve marriage (i like marrige it’s kinda cool, but not for everybody and I understand that). I wouldn’t consider yall damaged goods; I’m sorry if it was offensive. Ok I am judgemental but consider the source. I’m older than 35 and I’m married. I hear alot of bullshit all damn day.
ok…I am feeling you…and I cosign…especially on the “rare breed” ness of our VSB brothas…it’s a shame none of them live in TX…or at least I don’t think they do…lol (raises eyebrow) hmmmmm?
I’m halfway only commenting because I’ve never commented this far up before!!! Woohoo.I’m usually somewhere at like the 186 mark. Lol but seriously, I was just talking about this the other day, only my conversation took it further with regard to men. Men love to tell women they’re “not ready” for marriage. This however, is usually not the case. When a man says he’s not ready for marriage that’s usually a nice way of saying he doesn’t want to marry YOU. I say this bec. I have seen PLENTY of girlfriends who were with Mr. Unready for 10, 12, 15 years and he’s not ready. They break up because she gets tired of waiting and he marries the “new” chick after 6 weeks. Men want the same shit women do, they are just not raised to feel like it’s their life’s mission to get it.They have more fun during the search.
Xquizzyt1 i won’t knok your personal observations. i’m sure you have seen what you’ve described but i offer that most men are a lot more cautious about accepting the responsibilities of marriage than women. in atleast 1 sense, biologically they can afford to be. in my eyes the responsibilities are a lot more for the man socialy, financially and in most ways versus the woman.
i don’t doubt that the guys you described didn’t really feel like your girls were the one for him. i don’t know if they were committed or what. i have noticed that women seem to need to be in a relationship with a man. …and women too have something lined up before they get out of what they are in. having this need can be insecurity. feeling the need that you always gotta be with somebody. (men less so)
i found myself dating someone that i later figured out i didn’t want to marry and i felt this trapped feeling, clingyness, social expectation, like i owed her something, feeling that i would be the bad guy if i didn’t sucumb to social pressures. by the time i grew some balls and i looked up, i had been thru 2 other girls and neither was the one for me really (and they didn’t necessarily have to be) but i realized that i had been running away from the first girl.
the pressures are great, indvidually, socially, parentaly etc. sometimes a young man gotta say fuc* what they think i gotta do what’s right for me (even if it means breaking a heart) and in so doing it will be right for everyone involved. i’m not saying string someody along but recognize it can happen in a way that is no FAULT of anyone in particular. 2 good people can get together and it still not work. what’s with the victims mentality where somebody gotta ALWAYS be wrong. (and it’s never you) that’s what i take exception to. to thine own self…
I can’t add anything to that cause you really nailed that. I was thinking this but you certainly articulated my thoughts far better than I could. Great addition to the discussion.
you said that!
“i have noticed that women seem to need to be in a relationship with a man.”
~alright for this part, I want to clarify and define a relationship as ANY habitual interaction…we are all in a relationship here on VSB…if we (women) defined the “R” word this way…we would understand that we have what we think we want…the deal is we (women) have been brainwashed into thinking that the “R” means fidelity…and unfortunately, even though there is higher expectation of said exclusivity, that is not always the case…if you are exclusively dating a man…enjoy it…don’t drive yourself crazy about what’s going on when you aren’t in his face…that means you don’t trust him…and if you don’t trust him, you can’t love him…not happily and productively anyway…
and for this…
” …and women too have something lined up before they get out of what they are in. having this need can be insecurity.”
I agree…I the “R” word is NOT a job…you have a job lined up before you quit..but not another companion…9 times out of 10 you’re leaving because you’re not happy…nobody can define your happiness but YOU…so take time to figure out what you were really unhappy about, the role you played, adn how you won’t let that ish happen the next time around and THEN get you a pony to ride…otherwise the same ish is pretty much going to keep happening…and you won’t be able to blame others after a while…because in all those failed “R” words, the constant factor was YOU…you take YOU with you everywhere you go…so fix that b*tch first…
**shrugging** I’m just saying…
I don’t necessarily agree with this. People have different reasons for getting married and some couples take longer than others. I had two friends who got married last summer after being with their boyfriends for 10-11 years. They waited until they were more financially stable and mature enough to handle marriage.
I’m halfway only commenting because I’ve never commented this far up before!!! Woohoo.I’m usually somewhere at like the 186 mark. Lol but seriously, I was just talking about this the other day, only my conversation took it further with regard to men.
Men love to tell women they’re “not ready” for marriage. This however, is usually not the case. When a man says he’s not ready for marriage that’s usually a nice way of saying he doesn’t want to marry YOU. I say this bec. I have seen PLENTY of girlfriends who were with Mr. Unready for 10, 12, 15 years and he’s not ready. They break up because she gets tired of waiting and he marries the “new” chick after 6 weeks.
Men want the same shit women do, they are just not raised to feel like it’s their life’s mission to get it.They have more fun during the search.
“Men want the same shit women do, they are just not raised to feel like it’s their life’s mission to get it.They have more fun during the search.”
Nothing but the truth!!!! Glad you commented early
“When a man says he’s not ready for marriage that’s usually a nice way of saying he doesn’t want to marry YOU.”
not always. sometimes the dude just isn’t ready, and a lightbulb clicks in his head after he gets out of the other relationship. its all about timing. sometimes the “other chick” just doesnt meet the guy at the right time
So here is something I’ve always wondered- Let’s say a guy isn’t ready for marriage while dating girl A, so girl A leaves guy. Six months later, guy realizes he is ready, but instead of going back to see what’s up with girl A, he marries girl B. Why is that? That happens often and always makes me think it’s because there was just something about girl A he didn’t want, otherwise, why wouldn’t he try to go back to her?
See! That’s what I was saying. EXACTLY!!! That’s pretty much what I said below… before reading this comment.
I was in a 14 year relationship with my high school sweetheart, the president of the “I ain’t ready for marriage, and I am not having children” club. He and I recently had this conversation (when he disclosed he was in an exclusive relationship) and I asked him if he was considering marrying his new gf, he paused and said no, then he said to me, if I were ever to get married I know that I would have to leave the country and probably enter into witness protection. I told him “You are damn right!”
“if I were ever to get married I know that I would have to leave the country and probably enter into witness protection. I told him “You are damn right!”
LMBO!!!
now that’s real talk
LOL!!!
Well, I agree with you there, that’s why I said “usually” and not “always.” =)
And I don’t know how old you are, but I’m almost 40, so I’m not talking about men who are 20-something – and still floundering around. My experience and observation is of men who “aren’t ready” merely because they aren’t sure about the chick they’ve been with, had kids with, etc. for the last 10 years… men are “not ready” right up until they meet a woman that makes the lightbulb go off. While I’m not saying that timing has nothing to do with it, I definitely think it has to do with the person too, because in my scenario, it’s not like the light bulb goes off and he goes back to his children’s mother that he was living with for 15 years and says, “Hey, I’m ready now, the lightbulb went off,” he marries new chick. And that’s what I’m talking about.
you know, i’ll concede this point. i guess my original point was just that sometimes the cliche “its not you, its me” is actually true.
i’ll be 30 this year, btw.
i disagree with the whole “women are emotional creatures” argument. this was a problem i had with a dude, who assumed i wanted him to be my boyfriend cos we’d hooked up, while letting me know he didn’t want a girlfriend. not the case at all… it wasn’t that good. i don’t see an attractive man and automatically start wondering what suburb we’ll live in, what car(s) we’ll drive (had better be in the plural, motherfucker) or what our kids will look like. i think my age and where i am in my life right now controls the way i choose to/not to date, more than the fact that i am a woman. i was brought up by a very independent mother who is the least romantic person i know, and who enforced in me the idea of not depending on a man for everything, whether it’s money or your emotional well-being, which perhaps contributes to my skepticism on this issue. i don’t doubt that many women act like you say in this post, but the group you describe most definitely does not cover all women. some can separate the sex from emotion, just like some men are unable to do so. i’m not putting a value judgement on this issue, btw, i do not believe there is anything wrong with seeing someone you find attractive and imagining a future with them. i’m just saying it’s not all women. $.02
@Puff. I agree. I think your first thought when seeing someone attractive is aobut their ability to perform in the sheets. After they prove themselves there (during a courtship), then the house, car, kids, and life goals start taking over the brain.
See this is the reason I argue with men who think women are made of butterflies, feathers and honey. Because some honestly think its inherent and genetic. Unlike our wise pjack who recognizes the socialization. But all the guys who try to pull the inherent argument on me are the most romantic sappy fools I know. And all the women I know are cold, heartless and hardcore in comparison. No we don’t like holding hands, I would prefer not to pick out pet names for each other-I can call you by your given, if you bring up babies I’m running for the hills, my last name next to yours, what the fricknfrack is wrong with you type of women. But mebbe I’m unique or off-topic.
“See this is the reason I argue with men who think women are made of butterflies, feathers and honey”
so you’re not????
Nope sorry to disappoint but there are many more ingredients to this woman. Honey is one, feathers unfortunately not, butterflies only before public speaking.
ROFLMAO!!! Love the butterfly comment.
“i do not believe there is anything wrong with seeing someone you find attractive and imagining a future with them. i’m just saying it’s not all women.”
Good point, there are so many subtle (& distinct) varieties to us ladies, and yet i think most of the opposite sex thinks we are built the same with regards to our emotions. As a woman, it’s even hard for me to swallow the idea that every woman doesn’t think like me (lol!) i’d like to believe we’re all hopeless romantics. Then again, maybe you can be my voice of reason. i’m blabbing now.
“there are so many subtle (& distinct) varieties to us ladies, and yet i think most of the opposite sex thinks we are built the same with regards to our emotions. ”
very true…but…unfortunately…I think we (women) are guilty of this same idiosyncrysy where men are concerned…none of can be painted with the same brush…
I agree with you n this…but I wanted to point that out…
“I think we (women) are guilty of this same idiosyncrasy where men are concerned…none of can be painted with the same brush…”
Ah man, you mean i CAN’T make generalizations about men? That’s no fun.
Puff i don’t think P was saying that ALL women are this way. we know there are exceptions.
For the most part we believe that MOST women are more prone to emotional influence (versus men) in the area of love dating and relationship and want to commit much faster than men. if you disagree on this let me know and if you do please substantiate.
i’m just trying to understand. help us out.
@ genius
i don’t disagree that mos women seem prone to the emotional influence. this has a lot to do, as was mentioned before, with our social conditioning: we are told to look for a “prince charming,” “save ourselves for mr. right” and all that good shit. men, on the other hand, are allowed to do pretty much whatever what they want when they’re young until they decide it’s time for them to grow up and settle down. even so, it’s always implicitly suggested (at least, in my experience and most definitely from my culture) that a woman should look for a man who can take care of her financial – essentially where daddy left off. a man, on the other hand, should look for a woman who can cook/clean/provide offspring. this is what society has traditionally demanded. the fact that women wanting sex in a similar way to men i.e. out of pure physicality has been basically made to seem like an impossibilty annoys me because it’s simply not true. sex is a biological function, but it seems to me that social conditioning is what makes people think that men and women see it differently. i apologise for sounding rather simone de beauvoir-esque, and have to reinforce that i’m only 20 and in college – a long-term boyfriend or marriage are ridiculously far off my radar. i want to have fun and focus on my career first. i don’t think that’s anything determined by gender, but that’s just me. i hope some of my rambling made sense… :s
i feel ya now Puff. yeah it’s a double standard on how men and women are viewed as it relates to sex. …and we can say that it’s unfair but shit a whole lot of life is unfair. (double standards abound) it’s up to you to seek wisdom and decide for yourself what accepted standards apply and what is just a jedi mindtrick. be safe, be respectful, do u.
As a woman, I did not start dating looking for a husband. In my mind I didn’t even want to get married until I was at least 25. However, I was in search for the qualities of a husband while learning my body and about life in general. Hell, I was just having good ole fun just like males, but I did have a goal.
I started dating at 14/15 and it was for practice. My health teacher and coach Mr. Rogers said something to our class in the 9th grade that I took to heart “dating is nothing but a practice run for marriage. When you get to the point when you decide to get married, you need to select the mate who satisfys most of your needs and will treat you right.”
Women are conditionalized to settle donwn. It is a familiar and comfortable place- safe. Jumping from bed to bed with no mental stimulation gets old and women are wise enough to realize that there is much more to life than sex.
I agree women are better people and women at this point (adulthood) are dating to get married or develop prospects. You can pounce on warm and fuzzy things your entire life but like smoking a joint, are you getting any higher? Besides getting a$$, what is the man’s purpose for dating? Seriously, a$$ cannot motivate and hold ones attention that long especially when it is so easy to attain. Men just don’t have goals when it comes to dating. They are just going through the motions.
“like smoking a joint, are you getting any higher?”
Tshirt for the day
“like smoking a joint, are you getting any higher?”
naw, naw but i could be increasing the length of the flight. thats why they have in flight re-fueling. ahhhhh ha ha ha ha ha.
fasten your seatbelt and remain seated until the…..
E sighs: “Men just don’t have goals when it comes to dating.”
P-Jack said it best: “men date until they are ready to get married, women are ready to get married [settle, commit] and so they date.
choice is based on awareness so get out there see what you don’t like and like, see what’s available. you would should do that with a career, car, house etc. it’s even more importatnt for a commited relationship right? i’m not saying you have to whore anymore than you want to but choice is based on awareness.
@GK. “choice is based on awareness so get out there see what you don’t like and like, see what’s available. you would should do that with a career, car, house etc. it’s even more importatnt for a commited relationship right”
Once you find what you are looking for, stop looking!
Elenda emphatically retorts: “Once you find what you are looking for, stop looking!”
well, if what you mean by “…stop looking” is to don’t date anyone else and or get married then i’d say:
choosing to be commited or married is about more than finding what you’re looking for [in a woman]. it has also to do with timing, other circumstances etc. but i’m sure you already know this huh?
more to it than that luv….
isnt this post about how men and women differ on perspective? I mean.. if a man’s offering his perspective on HIS own actions.. who are we to say that they’re wrong.. when women offer perspectives on OUR actions… they can’t say shit either. Its comparing apples and oranges, isnt it?
I dont know if im following a “male” mentality (I have to agree with what was said earlier.. we’re all the same inside, somewhat) but I have turned down GREAT prospects for committment just because I wasn’t ready. I can’t love wholly until my soul feels like it’s ready to sacrifice itself to let someone else completely in. It’s just not ready, I haven’t done enough, I haven’t won enough, I haven’t fallen enough and I just have too much to learn. I can only hope that those I let go come back when my mind&heart’s right, but love is NOT a matter of choice..
“choice is based on awareness so get out there see what you don’t like and like, see what’s available. you would should do that with a career, car, house etc. it’s even more importatnt for a commited relationship right? ”
***them church mimes that act out gospel music and ish***
“Men just don’t have goals when it comes to dating. They are just going through the motions.”
i vehemently disagree. i disagree so much so, that i’ll direct you to a 500 word entry written on this site that expresses the opposite viewpoint:
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/the-expectation-factor/
@Champ. Just because the spend money, initiate, or expect sex does not mean they are dating with a purpose (sigh)
“@Champ. Just because the spend money, initiate, or expect sex does not mean they are dating with a purpose (sigh)”
sex is a purpose though, lol.
oh brother…i mean brotha.
TOUCHE!
“Men just don’t have goals when it comes to dating. They are just going through the motions.”
I agree with this statement a little.
So we have the understanding that some men we are dating do have goals. Some are dating us and pretending to be interested just for a good fuck and that is their goal too.
I just believe that alot of men are out here for the sex. Everybody has a list or idea of the mate that they would choice if God put a good selection before them. So why do we have to go through 10 to 30 people to find the mate that we want to be with. Someone told me once that you should have a good idea after 2 weeks if u are interested in someone. But are we really dating or laying around screwing. I didnt say you would know everything about them but somethings you pick up on and then its time to move on.
I blame each individual person for what happens to them. You had plenty of signs that told you to let that one go and move on but you decided to stay and thats when it points to a woman being needy and emotional because we try to MAKE IT WORK…………………………
I for one can’t separate sex from emotion, can we get a poll??????
I can.
Like I’ve stated in earlier posts. You have to know what type of woman you are.
Either you can, or you can’t. Saves yourself a lot of heartache if you know for sure which one you are.
Your exactly right you have to know which you are, and stick with it. I know to many who claim they can separate the two yet chasing after the very man they say they only want sex from trying to find out why they don’t love them.
After I realized I was the one who couldn’t separate the two I changed my behavior thus far its saving me a ton of head ache and heart ache just as you stated
I think the question should be: Do you WANT to seperate emotion from sex?
@D*Stroy. “Do you WANT to seperate emotion from sex?” Nope sex is better with with the one you love.
Agreed!
“@D*Stroy. “Do you WANT to seperate emotion from sex?” Nope sex is better with with the one you love.”
its better, true…
…but it still can be pretty good with the one you “kind of like on tuesdays”
its better, true…
…but it still can be pretty good with the one you “kind of like on tuesdays”
haha, i concur.
between 11pm and 2.15am…LOL
No D I don’t. I think sex is the most loving act you can have between a man and a woman to separate the two is blaspheme to me. I mean how can you just wake up next to someone your just “feeling” that would hurt my heart every time and it has in the past hurt my heart so now I just take sex completely out of the equation until I know that I am with a person that loves me just like the love i am willing to express in my sexual acts. I never have and never will have sex just to Satisfy my urge its just not in my make-up.
thats why you dont wake up next to them
@ jess…you typed this before I could.
I spends the night though…we visited this in an earlier post. LOL
lmao I just saw that comment
*fell out my chair*
me either mikki
I have learned that I can’t help but get involved totally. People say u can seperate the two and im sure u can….but I don’t want to! feelings and sex were meant to b attached to me
We all know it’s better when actual love is involved. I’m just saying don’t fool yourself into thinking you can separate the two if you aren’t able to do so.
There are plenty men out there who can’t separate the two as well.
exactly my point
Don’t say “we all know” ’cause I know far too many dogs out there who are solely into sex for the pursuit and conquest. They put no value on the act….it’s all about how hot the girl is and what they were able to coax her into doing within the first day (or week) of meeting. it’s pretty pathetic actually.
Matter o’ fact…I was one of those n*ggas!!!!
The “we all kow” is pertaining to the people who are currently discussing this subject.
Not all of humanity.
lol…I assumed as much… I was just using your language as a springboard for my point. It came out wrong though (more confrontational than intended)…my bad.
You’re good D-Stroy.
You were just trying to get your point across, as was I.
Truce?
Truce!
good question. and no, i’d prefer not to.
speaking from the perspective of someone who has separated the two, I have to stand up for it. It’s not the healthiest, but depending on your mindnset, it can be great. You can’t go into a lovership with a relationship mentality, because youll end up confused, yearning, and bitter b/c you fall short. However, when handled with the right amount of respect from both parties, loverships are intensely and mutually satisfying.
You are 100% right on this some people can do it and I WISH i was one of em, If I had been i might notta tried to run that old lady off the road yesterday…
joke joke
@Mikki. I can separate sex from love and emotions as well.
I don’t think it can REALLY be done esp. if the woman is committment minded. Most of it had to do with the lies the feminists tried to tell each other…and you see what happen to Gloria Steinam (sp??)…her butt went and got MARRIED.
I don’t think so either. A woman will SAY “it’s just sex” but a minute later she’s analyzing some shyt he did/said or didn’t do/say.
I definitely think it’s possible to separate the two. Like ms. t-lee stated, some can and some can’t. I think that when women say it’s not possible, it means it’s not possible FOR THEM (and maybe a few other friends/associates they know). In my younger days (quite possibly meaning yesterday), I’ve had sex just for the pleasures derived from it….there was NO desire for a relationship, nor was there any type of analyzing of what he said, how he said or all the other hoopla. I think part of it depends on your stage of life. At the time I was in college, and did not want a boyfriend or SO. My primary focus was “kicking it” with a little schoolwork on the side.
Now at this point in my life (maybe) without strings attached is not an option (partly because of some guy we’ll call my boyfriend). But it’s DEF possible to play hide the sausage and not want anything else.
I still think it’s just phony “I can f&ck like a man” tough talk. A lot of times when the woman doesn’t want to be in a relationship w/ the guy she’s “just f&cking” there’s a reason – either he’s mediocre or some other obstacle is in the way. No woman is gonna meet a great guy and say, “you know what, I think I wanna JUST f&ck him.” I just don’t believe it.
Me neither. Sure all women don’t want to be married. But its safe to say MOST on a deep level want a person to be committed and devoted to JUST THEM. You can’t get that with a random warm body, and really why would you???
I don’t care what NOBODY SAYS. SEX seeks to forge a spiritual connection (that real love making inherently does). I don’t want no random spirits up in me…the wrong ones are too hard to get rid of as it is.
Right… you don’t JUST bone great guys…you try to drop the hammer on they aZZ! Come on ladies… 9 times outta 10 if you can split the two- sex ad Love (myself included ) you are not going all out on Ray-Ray…you buss and you out – he has nothing that even smells like husband about him…so you are not day dreaming about a life with him- a nut-but- not a life..BUT if you come across a guy who you feel is worth dreaming about –you do…that has been the case for me anyway…
I think this is why people should wait to have s*x until they have a better understanding of the life in general. Your college example brings to mind news stories of children in elementary school who are caught experimenting with s*x. Not to say that your example and mine are exactly the same but I am quite sure that those children separated the emotional aspect from the physical. Point is, college (not unlike elementary school) is a highly developmental time (teens to early twenties)…you are expected to act immaturely and without prudence…why should your understandings of sexual behavior be any more evolved.
@ D*Boy-D*Stroy what’s with the name change?
Gubmint was trying to get a little too close…so I had to switch up on dat @ss! you feel me.
I do feel you (and it feels good..sorry)
fa’ real I changed mine three times since the vsb launch
gobm’nt is no joke
“But it’s DEF possible to play hide the sausage and not want anything else.”
***Clark Sisters SANGIN “Is My Living In Vain” ***
I’m sorry. I don’t know ish about the feminism movement.
Some women are not commitment minded. It’s not everyone’s dream to have a husband and the white picket fence.
Not saying that’s the case with me, but I realize we as women do not all want the same thing.
Most women who tried to co-sign with seperating love and sex didn’t know anything about the feminist movement either. They thought they were just being sexually free.
But sex comes with an emotional price. It always did and always will.
“sex comes with an emotional price. It always did and always will.”
Realest sh*t you ever wrote!
Why thanks D..
I can separate sex and emotion.
Women have sexual urges just like men do. Sometimes I feel like a nut, not a damn hug.
@ Cheryl
*Friends and Family Day Service*
I don’t think that anyone is saying that they always wnat to make love or get “a damn hug”. I think that we are simply saying that the person with whom you have sex should be someone you love…otherwise you could just “handle your business” by your lonesome and call it a day.
Ultimately, I think that if you want to engage in s*x with someone who you don’t really care about you must be looking for something more than just a n*t. And that should be thoroughly analyzed because there are faster more convenient ways to accomplish that.
Who said you didn’t have to care about the person? You can care, but not desire a relationship. I think people take their feelings regarding sex and whom you should have it with, when, for how long and think that the way they feel is the way everyone else does……not so much
V Renee…
yes!!!
V Renee,
“You can care, but not desire a relationship.”
That is a super-interesting and intriguing point. Raises the question: How do you care enough to sleep with someone but not enough to open yourself up to them for the purpose of a relationship?
“I think people take their feelings regarding sex and whom you should have it with, when, for how long and think that the way they feel is the way everyone else does……not so much”
I thought it was understood that these are solely my opinions. If I came across as judgemental it was definitely not my intent particularly because I used to be a guy who separated emotion from intimacy–which would make me a hypocrite. I am not judging anyone else, just simply saying that it doesn’t follow logically that a person be promiscuous for the sole purpose of fulfilling a physical need… because that same physical need can be fulfilled without a partner. I am also saying that a person must be looking for something in addition to the “n*t” whether it be momentary companionship, an attempt at free-spiritedness, etc.
I am not assigning a moral value on the act one way or the other… just saying that intuitively it would seem there is more driving the act.
Well said
“just saying that intuitively it would seem there is more driving the act”
Now why you got to go and bring intuition in all this….
but since you did, all signs could point to seeking to self-protect maintaining control to not be hurt. Its a valid feeling.
D- In no way did I think that you were being judgemental at all. I was just speaking in general to the belief that women can’t have sex without wanting more.
As for the caring but not wanting a relationship – just because you don’t want a relationship doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them. One doesn’t necessary want to be with everyone they deem attractive. I guess in some cases it could be a friends with benefits scenario. You care about the person but don’t want to be with them for various reasons. It doesn’t mean you don’t want to fuck.
I know that you can always get a “nut” by yourself, but dammit that doesn’t replace the feeling of a real physical body.
Getting a knutt by yourself, doesn’t get it done. I’m sorry. There is no subsitute.
I’m not trying to be graphic but how the hell does a woman “bust a nut”. I don’t have pen$s envy. Im perfectly fine with my nice vagina and its notion of arousal, gspot and climax.
and the idea is to NOT do it alone. If you’re making good decisions your ENSURING THAT YOU WON”T HAVE TO.
“I’m not trying to be graphic but how the hell does a woman “bust a nut”. ”
**debating whether or not to link comeback girl to a clip of a female squirting orgasm**
**debating whether or not to link comeback girl to a clip of a female squirting orgasm**
better you than I Champ.
“**debating whether or not to link comeback girl to a clip of a female squirting orgasm**”
that was a rhetorical question. I know the whole “bust it baby” phenom now has young girls wishing they had pen$ses but I didn’t think those were grown women. My issue is the ways in which a grown azz woman describes her sexual peak in the same context of a man. YOU ARE NOT A MAN.
Pen$s envy lives on…Freud aint NEVA lied.
I don’t know how “handling it yourself” feels for men – but for a woman, specifically me, the nut I get from “handling it myself” and the nut I get from having it handled for me is 2 different kindsa nuts.
I’m not opposed to self-handling, but the shit gets old. Sometimes I just want to be man-handled.
and like some else commented, who said I didn’t have to care about them? Not wanting to be in a relationship with them (or anyone else) doesn’t mean I don’t care about them as a person. That is the key difference (for me) in f*ck buddy vs. FWB.
Cheryl coins: Sex, I can handle myself but sometimes i wanna be manhandled.
i’ll handle the shit out of woman too. heh, heh, heh…. LOL!
bumpersticker!
i ain’t mad atya Cheryl. touch urself until somebodyelse can do it for you.
“I don’t know how “handling it yourself” feels for men – but for a woman, specifically me, the nut I get from “handling it myself” and the nut I get from having it handled for me is 2 different kindsa nuts.”
You are correct ma’am.
Who says the person I have sex with should be someone I love? You? Them? *points finger to the rest of the world*
In my almost 35 years on this rotating rock I have seen things and experienced things and dealt with things that not only show me, but brought it home with massive conviction that my time here is limited. I won’t waste my limited years living my life to fit someone else’s moral code, values system or beliefs.
I pick and choose the who what when where how i share my body, I don’t let someone else make that decision for me.
Cheryl,
The (my) comment that you responded to included the following statement:
“I am not assigning a moral value on the act one way or the other… just saying that intuitively it would seem there is more driving the act.”
The entire third paragraph was constructed to speak to this point…so, take it easy noone is asking you to conform to anyone “else’s moral code, values system or beliefs.” I was making an assertion that people’s decisions regarding sexual partners is generally motivated by more than just physical pleasure. Not sure how else I can clarify this point…
I’m sorry hun – I either hit reply in the wrong place or something but this is what I was replying to:
“D*Boy- D*Stroy {July 2, 2008 at 9:56 am}
I don’t think that anyone is saying that they always wnat to make love or get “a damn hug”. I think that we are simply saying that the person with whom you have sex should be someone you love…otherwise you could just “handle your business” by your lonesome and call it a day.
Ultimately, I think that if you want to engage in s*x with someone who you don’t really care about you must be looking for something more than just a n*t. And that should be thoroughly analyzed because there are faster more convenient ways to accomplish that.”
im not worked up or anything. but when i responded you hadnt yet made (or i hadnt yet read) what you thought i was commenting on.
my bad.
Awwe man…now I feel like a prick. Thanks for the clarification. Perhaps I’m the one who should take it easy. The bad is mine… My bad.
**extending my hand so we can frollick off into the sunset as friends**
I agree Cheryl and Comeback 99% of the time you can’t seperate emotion from sex and therefore having sex cums with an emotionl price. (other prices too physical and metaphysical etc. but that’s besides the point)
i think what people are really trying to describe is how some PEOPLE (more men) can seperate the act of sex from intimacy.
some people can have sex and afterwards DETACH from this close aquaintance in a manner that is marked by informality and privacy.
intimate: Marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity.
emotion: The part of the consciousness that involves feeling.
i don’t think anybody is going to argue that sex is seperated from feeling. hell thats the purpose in most cases. to derive a feeling. satisfaction etc.
exception: being repeatedly raped you may become desensitized.
“being repeatedly raped you may become desensitized.”
And that essentially is what men are able to do (minus the rape) its so indoctrinated in who they are and what defines them as men…they can easily do it MOST TIMES..I totally agree. I’m arguing that women can’t everything sexual about us in ON THE INSIDE.
I’m not condoning men going out and screwing every Sally and Jane…but our job as women is to elevate our men.
Excellent point.
I can, but like D and some others have pointed out, I’d rather not have to.
I just don’t want to confuse the woman’s free style movement with love and emotions. I love sex just as much as the next man if not more and makes no bones about it BUT i also understand the concept of delayed gratification which makes all the difference. If i can wait to be with someone I LOVE and eventually want to spend my life with then its worth me not just getting my rocks off, just like D said they have tons of gizmoze and gagets for that if you NEED TO BUST A NUT so bad, I do it errr day!!!!
ok that was tmi
I can’t separate it Mikki
even when I tried my emotions showed up and knocked on the door.
It’s better when you’re mentally feeling the one you’re physically pleasing
I can separate the two, and at times have done so for self preservation.
Sex is a BASIC need, its actually one of the primary basic needs a human being requires along with breathing, food, and water; according to Maslow (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs). Love is a basic need however is at at higher stage of development (social acceptance).
Is sex better when you are with the one you love? Most definitely! Been there done that, currently looking for the next true love of my life, but until then, I guard my heart and get my physical needs met, and we are all happier because of it, TRUST ME!
Like the old song goes when you cant be with the one you love f*ck the one you’re with (its the remix)
when you cant be with the one you love f*ck the one you’re with (its the remix)
T-shirt anyone???
Seriously I don’t buy into all that NEED sex to servive, sure you NEED sex but I can control my emotions to where if im not getting it im not going off and cussing out everyone that comes in my path. would i be happier?? yes and no because some of the drama that comes with it aint worth it
and i dont care what book or study says I will survive without sex its not like drinking water or food come on now!!!
I think sex as a need varies person to person.
I know women who don’t care if they ever have sex again in life. I’m totally dumbfounded by this. I mean totally. I cry for those women.
I could NOT imagine never having sex again. The world could not handle me abstinent forever. Abstinent in stints, but not forever. Hormones reach felonious levels … and I mean that actually.
“Hormones reach felonious levels”
……..
“I know women who don’t care if they ever have sex again in life. I’m totally dumbfounded by this. I mean totally. I cry for those women. ”
It’s been more than half a year for me Cheryl, and trust and believe I’m about to kill someone.
I am pushing 1 year and its safe to say i dont want to kill anyone yet, but i cant predict what i may be thinkin in the next oh say 24 hours, that might change lol
its been 6 weeks and I have already assaulted a chick at dunkin donuts last week.
felonious hormone levels.
but that is exactly what Maslow contends its because you are at a higher development stage where you are able to control your emotions and such.
“Like the old song goes when you cant be with the one you love f*ck the one you’re with (its the remix)”
This is a helluva remix. LOL
Can I get a MP3?
I think my emotions are waaaay off and sex has nothing to do with it. I can go for a while without (now its been 6 months) so…………………………..its my emotions. I like/love hard.
I CAN but I look forward to the day that I don’t have to….
Im mad that we are trying to intellecutalize why men are sexual beings (whores). Men are primarily sexual beings. I think ultimately men unconsiously are looking for a woman to raise the spiritual standard. Do we get offended when a man signals sutble sexual interest on a first date ? To me isn’t that part of the courtship requirement, to be sexually attracted??
Its what we as women DO with the information. If you know that men use love to get sex…then the logical thing to do is not sleep with him on date 3 after he says “I love you”. If you are actually LOOKING FOR LOVE. Now if you just want sex ..”love away”.
Women use sex to get love. To me its all about negotiation. Dating is about getting to know a man anyway. Im not proud to say that I consumated a relationship with man I discovered I didn’t EVEN LIKE a year later. I would have discovered the shi%t sooner if I had of not clouded it with romatiized notions of what sex does in the early stages of courtship.
This is some smart sh*t! Great comment.
Comeback we are all whores [in one sense or another] just with different price tags.
whore: A person considered sexually promiscuous. A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.
promiscuous: Having casual sexual relations, sometimes with many different partners.
GK I agree. Its all about the exchange. Its value and what another is willing to pay.
For me …for sex…the price is too high right now.
CAN I GET AN AMEN!!!
just because I said I have control over my emotions doesn’t change my sex drive at all I still am a freak all day and night. BUT what I do have control over is how I respond to my sexual drive which I guess came when I matured, its there but I just choose to suppress the urges or satisfy them “other ways” than having to need a man. But other reasons for that not just cuz i want love, its also because I don’t want to put up with a man who lies, a man who sleeps around, cheats and makes me feel like he is emotionally unavailable. Its something about that now that creeps me out. to wake up to a man I can’t see being with long term, or wake up thinking, “damn I wish he would hurry up n get out ma bed”. OR better yet to wonder if he sees me as long term or some booty call while he is out trying to find the true love of his life and im just his hit and quit or vs versa for that matter. ALL in the name of getting my rocks off!! Now really to eaches own but I am to much of a emotional person to just let sex fly I put my all into that act and i will be damn if somebody who “just gets me off” has that pleasure of having my “Goodies”. I used to think that but now i dont charge it to the game of getting older
*singing my goodies*
It’s amazing how definitions can elevate a conversation. Good looking out GK, on that Webster-work!