10 Breakups That Would Totally Absolutely Devastate Black America More Than Brangelina’s » VSB

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10 Breakups That Would Totally Absolutely Devastate Black America More Than Brangelina’s

Larry Busacca/Getty Images for Parkwood Entertainment

 

My cousin, the unsinkable sarah huny young, and I regularly frequent the same coffee shop. But we rarely see each other there because she’s usually there early (9am to 1:30-ishpm) and I usually don’t get there until after 2pm. Today, however, I had a meeting there at noon and was able to chop it up with her for a bit afterwards.

After we went through today’s standard Black person conversation topic, we eventually segued to something a bit lighter than the televised execution of unarmed Black people. Brangelina’s breakup. Whether this news was a surprise. (It wasn’t.) If it’s even worth it to break up with someone when you have six kids. (It’s not. To quote Cardi B, we have six kids, we together…foreva.) And, if the rumors about Brad’s infidelity are true, if an affair with Marion Cotillard is worth it. (No and yes. No, because affairs are wrong and shit. But yes because Marion Cotillard is Marion Cotillard.)

I then joked about whether we’d be able to make it through the day with this heart-wrenching news. To which huny replied “Eh. I think we’ll manage to pull it together about Brangelina. Barack and Michelle on the other hand?

Which got me thinking: Which breakups would cause the most (collective) devastation within the Black community? Barack and Michelle are obvious choices, but who else would cause us to reevaluate our lives and rewrite our Twitter bios if they happened to split?

Jay Z and Beyonce

If they ever divorced, the reason why they split would probably be far more interesting to people than their actual split. The elevator fight would forever be their Zapruder film. (Which I guess would make Solange Jack Ruby.)

But, as Danielle pointed out a couple months ago, we desperately need for them to stay together because we need to do everything within our power to prevent a Jay Z Lemonade response from ever happening.

Oprah and Stedman

Of course, some people would say “Umm…don’t you have to actually be together to break up?” But those people would be petty haters and terrible tippers. That said, if this were to ever happen, it would free Stedman up to achieve his destiny. To reunite with his long-lost twin, former attorney general Eric Holder, and Cat Daddy their way through happy hours and Essence Festivals. And they could call themselves The League of Extraordinarily Lightskinned Gentlemen Callers.

Courtney B. Vance and Angela Bassett

This Yale-graduating, over-enunciating power couple represent everything that’s right with Hollywood. And Black America. And, of course, grammar. Because collectively they’ve never met a vowel they didn’t pronounce the shit out of. Maybe Barack and Michelle represent #lifegoals, but Courtney and Angela are definitely my #dictiongoals.

Macaroni and Cheese

Yeah, I know. Neither Macaroni nor Cheese is an actual person. But just imagine how devastated we’d collectively be if they decided not to be seen in public together anymore? If they were just tired of putting on the act for so long and needed some space. Of course, it would be Cheese’s fault. Because Cheese is a flirt with unlimited options. And the introverted Macaroni just has…tomato sauce sometimes? So we’d all take Macaroni’s side. Which would cause Macaroni to get some confidence, hit the gym, and start getting together with other foods, like Kale and Beets. And we’d be happy for Macaroni outwardly, while silently thinking “Damn, Mac. That’s not a good look at all.” And then Cheese would make this big public spectacle to get Macaroni back, promising fidelity and more attractive low calorie options. And then they’d get back together, and we’d all be happy again.

Kerry Washington and Nnamdi Asomugha

We need them to stay together. Just as a default response to the person with 861 followers who tweets incessantly about how “hard” it is to date when everyone knows your business. Because if Kerry and Nnamdi can have dozens of kids without the public knowing shit until Kerry is like 213 weeks pregnant, your anonymous analog-ass will be fine on fucking Tinder.

Will and Jada

Because, if they don’t make it, Questlove’s story about their house immediately becomes 57% less cool.

Lebron and Savannah

Real talk, has there ever been a sports-related marriage that Black people were (collectively) bigger fans of? Even if you hate Lebron, you have to admit that, from the outside, his marriage seems to hit each of the benchmarks of awesomeness. If only Kyrie would take some notes.

The Deltas and Elephants

I’m not quite sure if Elephants would miss The Deltas that much. The Deltas on the other hand would need to buy new wardrobes, pillowcases, screensavers, license plates, iPhone cases, silverware, thongs, wedding figurine themes, refrigerator magnets, throw pillows, place mats, sweaters, socks, sweatpants, NuvaRings, knitting kits, emoji, stationary, dildos, picture frames, tattoos, cup holders, backpacks, Halloween costumes, and awkward daydream protagonists.

Denzel and Pauletta

No one is really thinking about Denzel and Pauletta’s marriage all like that. But people would be upset if it was gone. Basically, Denzel and Pauletta are the Black marriage equivalent of green beans at Thanksgiving.

Russell Wilson and Ciara

Just because we can’t ever give the members of “Name On The Milk Carton In His Aunt’s Refrigerator” Twitter that validation.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Mika

    Did anyone see that ring Cookie got from Magic for their 25th anni? She is ride or die. kind of want to see their interview……..

    • GeeKayGee

      He announced to the world that he was HIV positive 45 days after they got married. Could not and would not have been me.

    • miss t-lee

      Plus she’d been with him on and off way before they got married.

      • Mika

        Just don’t think I could have done it. She’s a trooper

        • miss t-lee

          She clearly loves that dude. She’s lived the “for better, for worse, in sickness and in health” like a champ.

          • Tambra

            I am wondering if I could do that version of in sickness and health.

            • miss t-lee

              Things you gotta ponder.

              • Tambra

                I mean if he had cancer or something like fine, but something that will potentially kill me and I can not enjoy …

                • miss t-lee

                  They got medications and sh*t. All these years they’ve been married and she ain’t positive.

                  • Tambra

                    You think the do the chex thing?

                    • miss t-lee

                      I would certainly hope so.

                    • Tambra

                      Not sure if I would have taken that risk.

                    • miss t-lee

                      All I’ma say is I’m sure she ain’t been sitting on it the last 24 years…lol

                • QueenAT

                  I sincerely hope you take a little time to do research on HIV and the advancements. I am not trying to come at you sideways. This thread just reminded me of sooooo much more work that has to be done. And now, I am a little more thankful and little less upset about my daily work.

                  Side note: I work with the federal government to bring awareness about HIV/AIDS- from prevention to treatment- and all that jazz.

                  • Tambra

                    I know about the advancements now, but I am thinking about and referring to when he was first diagnosed.

                    • QueenAT

                      But you also asked about their chex life… either way. Glad you know.

                    • Tambra

                      Well if you start off abstaining, I was thinking it becomes habit.

          • mr. steal your costco samples

            Lived that “I’m about to inherit a small country’s GDP worth of Starbucks and movie theaters” life!

            But yeah, she clearly loves him too.

            • miss t-lee

              Did you miss the part where she was with him since he was broke?

              • LadyJay?

                And the part where he was cheating. Nuccca. BYE!!! We can brokate together, but what you ain’t about to do is disrespect. Phakk them vows, God will have to understand.

                • miss t-lee

                  Hey…I didn’t leave anything out…lol
                  if you know their story, that’s definitely part of it.

                  • Nik White

                    She was still Earlitha.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Yup.

              • Kas

                She dated him in Jr High?

                • miss t-lee

                  Google still works.

                  • Kas

                    My point being that he has likely been getting money since high school.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Um…

                    • Blueberry01

                      And probably been dipping in a lot of things since high school…

                    • Kas

                      Cough, no comment

    • Conrad Bess

      Well, given the fact that if she ride, she could literally die, she deserve that rock.

      • HouseOfBonnets

        I’m so disappointed in myself for laughing.

        • Tambra

          I am not.

          • See.
            Right there…
            And you talk about me.

            • Tambra

              So was I wrong?

      • **…Looks around before laughing**

      • Damon Young

        comment of the year

      • Amen
      • Detroit Skater
      • QueenRaven23

        hahaha…hilarious! And sad. But hilarious

      • Calvin

        Ignorant! Male condoms work to stop STD transmissions, and now there are female condoms as well.

        People are in more danger of catching HIV from people who are not medicated and/or have a high viral load than those who are medicated and or have a low viral load. And HIV doesn’t kill, AIDS does. Magic hasn’t progressed to AIDS. Look up viral load and T-cells; I’m not doing all the educating.
        And why would she be more likely to die from AIDS than, say heart disease? Backwards thinking like this non-joke makes you no better than Robert Mugabe, and keeps the stigma alive.

        • “this non-joke makes you no better than Robert Mugabe”

          Amen

        • Cara_LaNae

          I think around the time he became infected the virus was still killing large amts of ppl and widely unknown so CBs statement isnt that far off.

          Obviously today we know better but even Magic wasn’t sure he’d live this long when he was first diagnosed.

          • miss t-lee

            I thought I read that his virus is now at nondectable levels? I could be wrong.
            But, as you mentioned at that time when he was diagnosed it mostly a death sentence. I’ve been glad to see him and many other long-surviving folks with HIV still out here prospering.

            • Tambra

              I think that is something that people who are rushing to his defence miss. When he was first diagnosed it was vastly different.

              • miss t-lee

                I understand that, but plenty time has passed between then and now. Lots of progress has been made.

        • Kas

          Pinkrose come get your peeple.

          • I am curious on her opinion. (My bias comes from my Mom’s work in South Africa with the CDC).

            • Kas

              I see no lies from Calvin. I just wanted to pick on Pink.

        • Cleojonz

          It’s called jokes Calvin. It’s been a rough week already. Let him live.

      • LadyJay?

        SCREAMS!!!! GHATDAMMN. You win the ALL the awards. All of them from Grammy’s to Oscars to EBT’s!!!!

      • Blueberry01

        I literally laughed out loud!

  • soulofstl

    Is Marion Cotillard supposed to be attractive? I had to do a Google image search and I don’t see it. What am I missing?
    Side note.. when i see her name I think collard..

    • miss t-lee

      I thought it was just me, but now that a man has said it…lol

      • Brandon Allen

        I never understood it…

        • miss t-lee

          I just googled again to be sure and I’m definitely not seeing it.

      • Kat

        Naw I was looking like…oh. okay.

        • miss t-lee

          You know…it’s always looked at as hating when we say a broad is homely.
          So, I like to let someone else say it just to make sure I’m seeing the same thing.

          • Blueberry01

            Eh, we’re at the point in life where a White-skinned woman can become a mainstream phenomenon for being apart of a seck-tape.

            We value and are influenced by society’s standards of beauty. There are many social psychology studies that highlight this.

          • Kas

            You saw it correctly.

            • miss t-lee

              *daps*

      • shhh

        it’s because she’s uber talented really.

        • miss t-lee

          I’m not taking that away from her.

      • PhlyyPhree

        Whew. Not just you. Had me squinting at the screen. Because to go from Angelina…to her???? I mean….I guess.

        • miss t-lee

          I guess…is right!!! LMAO

    • If you’re going to smash a hippie from Greenpeace, it’s the way to go.

    • mr. steal your costco samples

      she been cute in a lot of stuff.

    • soulofstl

      Meh.. will take your word for it. Per my image search not worth the IMDB search.

    • She seems like she’d be great in conversation. Witty women are chexy

    • Dustin John Seibert

      Nah she’s like god-level average white chick. She’s like 27 chicks I see on the treadmill in the gym at any given rush hour.

      • NomadaNare

        LOL

        God Tier average

        Her chex appeal must be on ungodly numbers

      • Blueberry01

        Lol @ TreadmillWhiteness

      • Damon Young

        i disagree, but I still have to acknowledge that this is a great comment.

    • NomadaNare

      Bruh she had a whole music video and couldnt sell it

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXEbtqU_dHs

      • soulofstl

        someone has lied to her and has been lying to her since she was very young. and whoever lied to her, must be powerful, cause everyone is scared to tell her the truth.

      • miss t-lee

        This elevator music azz music…

      • Kas

        That’s 20 seconds of my life I can’t get back. She is not chexy.

      • DM.

        The song is bad but she’s pretty for a white girl
        I mean, it could be worse. She could be blonde (yikes)

    • Madame Zenobia

      I think it’s cuz she’s French and has that accent. There are plenty British boys who would be average with an American accent but we lust after because they got that accent. Otherwise, yeah no, I don’t see why she’s considered attractive.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        I’d drink high tea with Helen Mirren

        • miss t-lee

          But see, even I wanna have a drink with Helen. She seems madd cool.

          • Janelle Doe

            Me too. Helen is my girl crush. Plus I wanna be that sultry when I am her age.

            • miss t-lee

              For real. Aging goals!

        • brothaskeeper

          Ima put it out there. Dame Helen is a sexy YT woman of a certain age, and in another realm, I just might.

          • Kas

            Hmmm, possibly. How dark is it?

            • brothaskeeper

              A floor lamp that has been clicked on once.

              • Kas

                Imma need a tequila shot, but after that all bets are off.

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            I’m partial to Freema Agyeman and Laura Mvula, but my knowledge of British women really only extends to Game of Thrones.

            • brothaskeeper

              *adds names to hall pass list that ain’t never gonna happen*

            • LadyJay?

              I c u. Mvula?

            • Maestro G

              Cosign on the Freema Agyeman tip.

        • Cleojonz

          I think we ALL want to have high tea with Helen Mirren. She’s just everything.

    • L8Comer

      What? I think she’s so chexy. And her voice too. loved her in la vie en rose

    • NonyaB

      Eets ze Fronch facteur… Law of airhead europhiles: whenever you sprinkle a little Fronch on anything, that thing is now internationally better.

    • Kas

      She looks sort of like Angelina. Shrug

    • Blueberry01

      How you got ’em and how you’ll lose ’em. Angelina’s chickens are coming home to roost. It’s been over 10 years since she did that to same i s h to Jennifer Aniston.

      Everyone, repeat after me: if they can cheat WITH you, then they can cheat ON you.

      Side note: most people that men cheat with are less attractive than their significant others. A majority of extra-relational affairs are due to a man’s insecurity, thus opting to have another woman (or man, yeah…it happens) to temporarily build up their self-esteem.

      I’m not condoning it or justifying this selfish act. Just explaining it…

      • GenevaGirl

        Your second paragraph is spot on.

      • SororSalsa

        And that is why Alicia Keys is NEVER leaving Swizz Beatz. She is gonna keep putting $500 on his bills and put up with his ish in perpetuity.

    • Deeds

      Yea, I just googled her, and I thought she looked like an average white woman, but what do I know.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      Same here dude. Seems a downgrade if that’s true.

    • Nik White

      She’s French, so…

    • AlwaysBluffing

      I think she’s an nice-looking woman, but she does less for me than I think she’s supposed to. The European thing adds to her perceived appeal, I think.

  • I wanna join in this convo…but the workday is almost over. See y’all tmr.

    • **waves**
      **puts a place card on Twi’s chair**

      • Kas

        Put a jacket on the back of her chair so the bosses will think she is working late.

  • Brittany Martin

    Sir what about John Legend and Chrissy Teigen ?

    • Dustin John Seibert

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAHAH

    • RaeNBow

      not together long enuff

      • Brittany Martin

        fair im hoping they get there tho.

    • naughtycorner

      Thats the rejoicing list . Chrissy is anoying, thirsty and c r a$$ to some and personally she has been on my S h 1 t list since she mocked Quevanzhane Wallis ( a little black girl ) on Social media Nope not here for her

      • I wish I would’ve scrolled more because her calling Quevanzhane a brat really irks my soul.

        • Val

          When did that happen?

          • A year or two ago. I think it was when she was up for that award for Beasts of a Southern Wild (sp?) She was getting shine and Chrissy made some tasteless joke about getting tired of seeing this beautiful little girl everywhere.

            Meanwhile, her disrespectful a s s was trying to get pregnant the entire time *rolls eyes* I’d hate for someone to call her own daughter out like that because I know she wouldn’t respond well to that.

        • Kas

          No fair telling me Google is my friend and misspelling names. Took me a minute to figure out who it was.
          Quvenzhané Wallis

      • RaeRae

        Right!!!! I’ve long held a side-eye towards her over that mess.

    • miss t-lee

      I thought we was talking Black couples?

    • I hate Chrissy so I’m rooting for that union to crash and burn soon. She called Quavhanzane a brat so Chrissy is dead to me.

  • Mika

    I like Mama Tina and her new hubby too.

    • miss t-lee

      YES.

    • Mochasister

      I’m glad she got another chance at love.

    • Cleojonz

      YASSS. Richard Lawson has aged well and they are very cute together.

  • Julian Green

    Let’s all take a moment to be thankful that Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee’s marriage made it to the finish line (i.e. death).
    Re: Delta’s and Elephants- about 7 or 8 years ago I went through my old home and found that my mom had fourty-one different elephant statues, figurines and assorted knick-knacks. And this wasn’t even counting her Delta branded stuff.

    • Tambra

      Didn’t they have an open marriage or something like that?

      • Kat

        For a minute or two. No longer.

    • I think this was the biggest Black Marriage shocker for me. When I saw their grand-kid’s documentary. It really did something to me.

      “But, we both came to realize that we were very fortunate that, in all of the deep profound, fundamental ways, we really, really only wanted each other. It was like a rediscovery of something from the beginning.
      It’s not something that you’d recommend to everybody. But often Ossie has said – and I’ve though too – the best way to have somebody is to let it go. If it doesn’t come back you are free in another kind of sense –
      in that you find the strength to let go and wish somebody well. So, we thought an open marriage was appropriate for us but it turned out not to be. But then that’s what we’re all about, we are moving from one position to another in the process of trying to unravel this thing call life.” Ruby

      In retrospect my parents relationship has ended up being the best love story I’ve ever seen. I don’t trust that Barack thing.

  • “…The elevator fight would forever be their Zapruder film. (Which I guess would make Solange Jack Ruby.)…”

    Truth.
    Boom.
    Confetti.

    • I picture Solange smacking Hov over and over as Kevin Costner repeats “Back and to the left.”

      • Mister Miyagi instigating over her shoulder, talkin bout, “wax on, wax off.”

      • Ra

        Ain’t Solange very cool, real, authentic & human for smacking Jay-Z over & over?

  • Brandon Allen

    Marion Cotillard’s forehead bump bothers me.

  • Brandon Allen

    Laurence Fishburne and Gina Torres.

    • miss t-lee

      I often forget about them too.

    • That would kill me

    • DoveLove

      Whoops… I did not even realize they were together. When I saw them sitting together at the Emmy’s I thought, “Oh, did they do a project together this year?”

      • they have been together since the Jurassic Era. Like Denzel & Pauletta (though probably not married as long as they have) they tend to keep their biz to themselves.
        And they are fabulous-looking together. Which counts, right? At least a leeetle bit?

    • M a n

      I wouldn’t believe in love ever again if they split.

    • Kas

      I didn’t realize they were married or dating for that matter.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      Yo…. I had no idea.

  • Reemo

    Russell Wilson and Ciara

    I’d be disappointed for Ciara and would hope that she’s okay. Eff Russell Wilson, Russell the athletic brand, the Seahawks, sea hawks, the sea and the hawks. We ain’t forgot that weak AllLiveMatter non-protest of a protest he participated in. I hope James Harrison catches him coming off a bootleg and flattens him

    • miss t-lee

      Your last sentence took me out…lol

    • MsSula

      Not the sea and the hawks though. Hilarious!!

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