10 Breakups That Would Totally Absolutely Devastate Black America More Than Brangelina’s » VSB

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10 Breakups That Would Totally Absolutely Devastate Black America More Than Brangelina’s

My cousin, the unsinkable sarah huny young, and I regularly frequent the same coffee shop. But we rarely see each other there because she’s usually there early (9am to 1:30-ishpm) and I usually don’t get there until after 2pm. Today, however, I had a meeting there at noon and was able to chop it up with her for a bit afterwards.

After we went through today’s standard Black person conversation topic, we eventually segued to something a bit lighter than the televised execution of unarmed Black people. Brangelina’s breakup. Whether this news was a surprise. (It wasn’t.) If it’s even worth it to break up with someone when you have six kids. (It’s not. To quote Cardi B, we have six kids, we together…foreva.) And, if the rumors about Brad’s infidelity are true, if an affair with Marion Cotillard is worth it. (No and yes. No, because affairs are wrong and shit. But yes because Marion Cotillard is Marion Cotillard.)

I then joked about whether we’d be able to make it through the day with this heart-wrenching news. To which huny replied “Eh. I think we’ll manage to pull it together about Brangelina. Barack and Michelle on the other hand?

Which got me thinking: Which breakups would cause the most (collective) devastation within the Black community? Barack and Michelle are obvious choices, but who else would cause us to reevaluate our lives and rewrite our Twitter bios if they happened to split?

Jay Z and Beyonce

If they ever divorced, the reason why they split would probably be far more interesting to people than their actual split. The elevator fight would forever be their Zapruder film. (Which I guess would make Solange Jack Ruby.)

But, as Danielle pointed out a couple months ago, we desperately need for them to stay together because we need to do everything within our power to prevent a Jay Z Lemonade response from ever happening.

Oprah and Stedman

Of course, some people would say “Umm…don’t you have to actually be together to break up?” But those people would be petty haters and terrible tippers. That said, if this were to ever happen, it would free Stedman up to achieve his destiny. To reunite with his long-lost twin, former attorney general Eric Holder, and Cat Daddy their way through happy hours and Essence Festivals. And they could call themselves The League of Extraordinarily Lightskinned Gentlemen Callers.

Courtney B. Vance and Angela Bassett

This Yale-graduating, over-enunciating power couple represent everything that’s right with Hollywood. And Black America. And, of course, grammar. Because collectively they’ve never met a vowel they didn’t pronounce the shit out of. Maybe Barack and Michelle represent #lifegoals, but Courtney and Angela are definitely my #dictiongoals.

Macaroni and Cheese

Yeah, I know. Neither Macaroni nor Cheese is an actual person. But just imagine how devastated we’d collectively be if they decided not to be seen in public together anymore? If they were just tired of putting on the act for so long and needed some space. Of course, it would be Cheese’s fault. Because Cheese is a flirt with unlimited options. And the introverted Macaroni just has…tomato sauce sometimes? So we’d all take Macaroni’s side. Which would cause Macaroni to get some confidence, hit the gym, and start getting together with other foods, like Kale and Beets. And we’d be happy for Macaroni outwardly, while silently thinking “Damn, Mac. That’s not a good look at all.” And then Cheese would make this big public spectacle to get Macaroni back, promising fidelity and more attractive low calorie options. And then they’d get back together, and we’d all be happy again.

Kerry Washington and Nnamdi Asomugha

We need them to stay together. Just as a default response to the person with 861 followers who tweets incessantly about how “hard” it is to date when everyone knows your business. Because if Kerry and Nnamdi can have dozens of kids without the public knowing shit until Kerry is like 213 weeks pregnant, your anonymous analog-ass will be fine on fucking Tinder.

Will and Jada

Because, if they don’t make it, Questlove’s story about their house immediately becomes 57% less cool.

Lebron and Savannah

Real talk, has there ever been a sports-related marriage that Black people were (collectively) bigger fans of? Even if you hate Lebron, you have to admit that, from the outside, his marriage seems to hit each of the benchmarks of awesomeness. If only Kyrie would take some notes.

The Deltas and Elephants

I’m not quite sure if Elephants would miss The Deltas that much. The Deltas on the other hand would need to buy new wardrobes, pillowcases, screensavers, license plates, iPhone cases, silverware, thongs, wedding figurine themes, refrigerator magnets, throw pillows, place mats, sweaters, socks, sweatpants, NuvaRings, knitting kits, emoji, stationary, dildos, picture frames, tattoos, cup holders, backpacks, Halloween costumes, and awkward daydream protagonists.

Denzel and Pauletta

No one is really thinking about Denzel and Pauletta’s marriage all like that. But people would be upset if it was gone. Basically, Denzel and Pauletta are the Black marriage equivalent of green beans at Thanksgiving.

Russell Wilson and Ciara

Just because we can’t ever give the members of “Name On The Milk Carton In His Aunt’s Refrigerator” Twitter that validation.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • mr. steal your costco samples

    Courtney B. Vance stole his Emmy from Bokeem. That is all.

    • cakes_and_pies

      Good day sir

      • Question

        Tasha Smith Superintendent?
        Bokeem President?

        Lawd!

      • MissMoni

        You GOTTA put Common in there, somewhere. #OneDementional #OneFaceForAllEmotions

      • CrankUpThe_AC

        Why does this have me in tears LOL

    • Val

      Woodbine? What? Bokeem Woodbine is officially the worst actor in the world. Side-note, he seems like a really interesting guy though.

      • mr. steal your costco samples

        he was GREAT in Fargo.

        • Val

          Fargo? The movie?

          • Janelle Doe

            My thoughts exactly…

          • mr. steal your costco samples

            Emmy=TV. It was and is a show on FX.

            • Red October

              Co-sign. In a show full of great performances his was the best. He killed it.

      • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

        Stop the Bokeem hate, he fam tho.

  • Dustin John Seibert

    You completely and totally forgot about Denzel and Pauletta. How could you?

    • Damon Young

      that’s weird. they were on the list i wrote, but not the version that posted. anyway, the edit is up now.

  • Shid…if you qualifying food…
    Kool-aid and sugar.

    • mr. steal your costco samples

      ham and burger.

    • miss t-lee

      fried chicken and hot sauce
      greens and better sauce
      peach cobbler and blue bell

      I could go on…

      • They betta NOT get a divorce!

        • miss t-lee

          Bet not!

      • Kat

        Fried chicken, syrup and hot sauce. Now that’s life.

        • miss t-lee

          I don’t like sweets with chicken.

          • mr. steal your costco samples

            the worst? EGGS with chicken. That Chik-Fil-A jawn with the grilled chicken and egg sandwich looks uggggggggg

            • miss t-lee

              I don’t understand Chik-Fil-A breakfast at all.
              I’ve tried it twice, that dog ain’t hunting.

              • Kat

                It’s chicken nuggets and a roll. A small roll. I can do better.

                • miss t-lee

                  Them biscuits ain’t right…much less that chicken.

            • L8Comer

              chicken and eggs is just kinda… disturbing and incestuous… and rude. It’s just not right. The baby and the mom? Idk man… people who eat chicken omelets scare me

              • mr. steal your costco samples

                isn’t it the chicken menses?

                • L8Comer

                  gross. Idk. I thought it was their actual unfertilized egg…

            • Kas

              Doro Wot is the bomb

              • LadyJay?

                Aaaaayyyye!!!! Alelelelelelele. YOU be knowing.

                • Kas

                  Put your shoulder in it

                  • LadyJay?

                    Been done that already.

              • NonyaB

                Eh-eh, whatchu know ’bout Ethiopian chicken stew?

                • Kas

                  I be knowing stuff. Comes with being baptized Ethiopian Orthodox.

            • AlwaysBluffing

              That Chick-Fil-A joint weirds me out. BUT I will tear up an IHOP chicken fajita omelette, LOL

          • Kat

            Trust me. It’s amaze balls. Don’t pour the syrup over the chicken. Do like a dipping thing with syrup and hot sauce combined. It’s sweet heat.

            • miss t-lee

              Nah.

              • Kat

                I’m telling you. Come over. Ima spot you a chicken leg.

                • miss t-lee

                  Nope…lol

                • L8Comer

                  I’ll come lol

                  • Kat

                    Anytime. Southern hospitality on deck

            • charisma_supreme

              I feel ya on that sweet heat. I mix honey and Franks Red Hot for my wings. Man, hol’ up!

              • Kat

                Yes ma’am!!

          • Nik White

            No chicken and waffles? Honey Baked Ham and pound cake?

            • miss t-lee

              Not really.

        • Conrad Bess

          If only I could upvote 1000 times…

      • HouseOfBonnets
        • miss t-lee

          Ha!!!!!
          You’d be better off traveling down, instead of paying shipping costs.

        • Nik White

          Those dimples will get him lots of stuff.

      • Greens and pepper sauce…
        You just made my mouth water.

    • mr. steal your costco samples

      Endless Shrimp and Cheddar Bay

      • Conrad Bess

        Stew peas and rice (for the yardies)

        • L8Comer

          Mmmmmmm….

          Oxtail and beans?

          Curry and goat?

          Rice and peas?

          • Kas

            Escoveitch and festival

            • L8Comer

              ackee and saltfish :)

              ackee & saltfish and food. I need food.

              • Tambra

                Mannish water or hard food?

                • Kas

                  I see what you did there.

                • L8Comer

                  hard food. aka provisions for some people…. aka green banana, bammy, yam, pumpkin, johnny cakes… i love fooddd

                  • Tambra

                    Oh gosh send me some bammy. I will eat everything except the yam. Nope no thank you. Thank and cassava are on my nope list.

                    • Kas

                      When I was a child I spoke as a child . . .

                    • Tambra

                      Lol, since you think you are Jamaican, but I am still checking, I am talking about yam yam not sweet potato yam . Like this
                      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b76ced28c62ec105a28b3d96d1879f69fcf2001fa65a5eda76bfa4669e9cbac9.jpg

                    • Kas

                      You insult me. I’m almost 10 years in the game. I like boiled green banana. You think I don’t know the difference between yam and sweet potato?

                    • Tambra

                      Sorry. I have had to explain the difference too many times, so rather than take it for granted

                    • Kas

                      I’m that new Black. Cackles

                    • L8Comer

                      ohhh I love cassava too! And i forgot dumplings!

                      I’m fiending for all my breakfast favorites now… corned pork and rundown, escoveitch and ackee & saltfish, callaloo, fritters and alllll the food

                      Conrad started this with the stew peas talk

                    • Tambra

                      I learnt to appreciate provision when I eat too much rice. It is amazing how time tempers us, when I was a child I could eat rice every day. If I came home and saw provision I thought the world had ended.

                    • L8Comer

                      lolol!!

                      When I was little I didn’t like ackee & saltfish. or so I thought. Then I realized I just don’t like my mom’s ackee & saltfish.

                      *winces in pain from the phantom slap I just felt from her*

                    • Kas

                      I wouldn’t even type that under an anonymous avatar.

                    • L8Comer

                      lolol i knowwww…. i know.

                    • Kas

                      Kingston in December, and I’m all for it.

                    • L8Comer

                      Me too boo! I’ll be there for Christmas and New YEars. Well thats the plan, havent got my ticket yet

                    • Blueberry01

                      I love ackee and saltfish…

                    • L8Comer

                      so nom, nom

                    • Kas

                      What is this corned pork and rundown of which you speak?

                    • L8Comer

                      I thought you were bout it Kas. 10 years deep right?

                    • Kas

                      Just googled and now I’m hot as fish grease. My in-laws been holding out on me.

                    • L8Comer

                      You gotta reach that 15 year mark for the good, good lol. Go to Chaser’s tho, tell em I sent ya ;)

                    • Kas

                      In Kingston?

                    • L8Comer
                    • L8Comer

                      Make sure your wife takes you to Chaser’s for breakfast when you’re next in Kingston.. you can try everything

                      Rundown – stewed fish w/ coconut milk, tomato, etc
                      http://cache.virtualtourist.com/4/3919830-Rundown_Jamaica.jpg

                      Corned Pork – some do it with ackee (shown here) i like it on its own… in addition to ackee and salt fish
                      http://jamaica-gleaner.com/sites/default/files/styles/jg_article_image/public/article_images/2012/07/12/tracksa20120711c.jpg?itok=mNaVWFc1

                      and try red herring if you haven’t http://jamaicancookery.typepad.com/.a/6a017c3167883f970b017744453f1e970d-pi

                    • Kas

                      You are a saint. I don’t care what the rest of the comment section says about you.

                    • L8Comer

                      hahahahaha!! Hush, Kas. and you’re welcome :)

                    • MsSula

                      Blasphemy!!!

                    • Tambra

                      Nah. Truth

                • L8Comer

                  I have never had Mannish water. How is it?

                  • Tambra

                    Goat soup. Good

                    • L8Comer

                      Yeah i heard of it, just mom was never a fan cuz of the various goat parts… the private parts I guess is the traditional version she grew up eating. Ima make someone cook it for me tho cuz I love goat… and I’m a pretty adventurous eater.

                    • Kas

                      Snigger

          • Tambra

            It was Jamaicans who brought me around to red beans. I do not think anyone can get me to like black eyed peas though.

            • Kas

              I like them but I don’t love them

              • Tambra

                I will starve than eat black eyed.

                • Mochasister

                  My grandmother used to try to get me to eat those things. Blech! Nasty, squishy things.

            • L8Comer

              Those haven’t grown on me yet. I haven’t tried them in a loonngggg time though

        • Kas

          Ackee and saltfish hands down

          • Tambra

            Lots of people do not like ackee

            • Kas

              Lots of people have an unsophisticated palate. They problem not mines.

              • Tambra

                So you telling me you klassi?

                • Kas

                  ??

                  • Tambra

                    Klassi, i forgot the ‘L’ but it is fixed now

                    • Kas

                      Very

    • OG Mermaid

      Collard Greens and Cornbread

      • Kat

        Right…how you gonna have collard greens on the menu and no cornbread? Why even bother?

        • Madame Zenobia

          t entire f?! Where they do that at? Have you actually seen this blasphemy of a menu in person? Did you burn firm said restaurant? It was your duty and obligation to burn that place down.

          • Kat

            Gus”s Famous Fried Chicken. Not nary a piece of cornbread. It don’the matter though. Them canned collards ate at my soul.

        • Kas

          Dad?

    • Tambra
      • You refuse to let me participate.
        Let me offer you a cocktail or something…

        • Tambra

          Mojito please

    • brothaskeeper

      Matzo soup and challah.

    • NonyaB

      Jollof and meat
      Suya and yaji (pepper blend)
      Meat (goat/oxtail/assorted (beef innards)/ram) and peppersoup

      • Kas

        As long we can agree Nigerian Jollof is trash.

        • Tambra

          Kas, it was really nice knowing you. I can’t afford to be burnt by association.

          • Kas

            What?

            • Tambra

              You know them Nigerians get all feely with they jallof, next thing she start on all your friends on this board. It’s the one time I’ll disavow ever knowing you.

              • Kas

                So I can talk about Nia but not Jollof. Got it.

                • Tambra

                  No Nigerian aint going take me out because of your Jollof slander.

          • NonyaB

            #SmartMove

            • Tambra

              He my friend, but I aint going down when you start Bruce Leeing him. No suh

              • NonyaB

                LMAO. You ain’t even lying, ’cause the curses are already assembling themselves on conveyor belt, with shoutout to African Union for coordination of satellite curses. You can be my friend but the minute you attempt jollof blashphemy, it’s ON.

              • NonyaB

                Speaking of proudazz Nigerians:
                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Blj3U9iNRLI

                • Tambra

                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79L_nZkHcYU
                  Something from our side. Any resemblance?

                  • NonyaB

                    Hilarious! The penchant for concocting funny names, crazy unique descriptions and insults is common to both groups!

        • NonyaB

          *Laughs in Formation* As long as we can agree that your idea of trolling is triple wack. Take that sh*t back before the weight of my curses on you, ten generations up and down + satellite curses of other African brethren wreck you. Shio.

          • Kas

            Ok. I take it back. I don’t have enough gifs for this particular battle.

            • Tambra

              Smart!

            • NonyaB

              Wise move although you TRIED it by even broaching that joke. For the next little while sir, please refrain from engaging with me while I reconsider our acquaintance. ?

              • Kas

                Sorry. And we ain’t acquaintances wese friends

      • L8Comer

        ohhhh Jollof. Suya!!!!

      • MsSula

        Okra Soup and Amala.

        • NonyaB

          ?? #Gbasibe! Is that commonly eaten in Cote D’Ivoire?

          • MsSula

            We eat it with a cassava fufu that tastes like Amala. But Okra soup is definitely a staple!

            • NonyaB

              How cool. I hope to eventually visit every country on the continent at least once.

              • MsSula

                Let me know and we will do it together. That has been my dream. I need to start going east now. I have West pretty much covered.

                • NonyaB

                  Amen! I’m already jealous because it sounds like you’ve covered more ground! It’s been irking me for a while that I’ve been in way more countries of other continents than African ones.

    • SlapMeSolange

      gin and juice

    • Cleojonz

      Cornflakes and Milk

  • …is still devastated by the Fat Boys and by Dru Hill breaking up.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Sir lol

  • RaeNBow

    LMBO! We needed this lighthearted article today. Thanks VSB.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    Tamia and Grant Hill I feel is a very underrated couple

    • miss t-lee

      They’re so lowkey I often forget about them, but they’re holding it down.

    • RaeNBow

      i LOVE them!!!!!

    • Mika

      I love them. They are so low key.

    • RaeRae

      My hubby took our son to the NCAA festivities here in Houston and had a chance to talk to Grant Hill. So hubby tells Grant Hill, “Man…my wife loves Tamia” The ever go wonderful Mr. Hill says, “Is she here? We can call her” I wasn’t there, but in my mind I totally had a conversation with her and we have plans to go shopping.

      • Evafpritt3

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      • Deborahghildebrant1

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !ok205f:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
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    • Wise Old Owl

      The vast majority of those Hollywood relationship are nothing more than contractual and “beard” arrangements to mask the reality of the Hollywood Lifestyle. Moreover, LeBron has slid into more DM’S than Kyrie, however, he is very image conscious and realized that finally marrying one of his baby mommas would make him a Ghetto Superstar and Role Model…

      • LadyJay?

        agree

      • Cleojonz

        One of his baby mommas? Sir/Madam all of LeBron’s children have the same mother. No need to slander in this way to make a point.

        • Wise Old Owl

          LeBron James has a little girl by a former reporter and everyone knows this…this is why back in 2011 he was having a mental breakdown during the 2011 NBA Finals, because his baby momma and current wife was upset and forcing him to finally marrying her. You probably believe Ali was a Saint and not married 4 times and that Jim Brown doesn’t beat women…

        • Vesalius

          Honestly, if I didn’t have first-hand knowledge of one such publicly unacknowledged child of a public figure/athlete, I’d probably not believe Wise Old Owl either. But yeah, these kids exist and aren’t publicly claimed. I feel so bad for them. The well-known parent is a total asshole for denying these kids existence for better PR.

          • Wise Old Owl

            Yes, and as stated, Baby Bron is very image conscious and does everything possible to appear the perfect family man and hood savior. His stans don’t want to believe the truth about him…because he does a great job of portraying the inner city kid , who made it big, but still loves the hood and his baby momma that he finally married after 10 years. So, even when he gets caught sliding into instagram models DM’S, he gets a pass and Kyrie gets called out…

    • Cleojonz

      I think this is why they are lasting. They keep their ish private and if there is any nonsense it seems they have been able to work through it on their own.

    • Joi

      And Boris Kodjoe and Nicole Ari Parker too…don’t forget them

  • Crawford

    If we’re talking any pairing, Oprah and Gayle. Those two are proof to me that friendship can last.

    • miss t-lee

      I always refer to my bestie as my Gayle…we’ve been friend dayum near 30 years.

  • miss t-lee

    I’m definitely not a bad tipper…but I’m definitely on the side of Oprah and Stedman not exactly being together.
    They just been shacking a quarter century.

    • Yeah, I’m over them. ..it’s been a minute too.

      • miss t-lee

        A whole minute.
        Perpetual engagement.

    • Guest

      When is shacking not equal to being together?

      • miss t-lee

        Does not compute. Put a ring on it.

        • Stedman has tried this 4000 times, I’m sure. Oprah probably makes him swallow that ring and say thank you.

          • miss t-lee

            LOL

        • GeeKayGee

          Both of always said they never wanted to get married. They both think marriage would ruin their relationship. So why put a ring on it when neither party wants too???

          • miss t-lee

            Their relationship works well for them… I still don’t have to think they’re serious.

            • GeeKayGee

              I’ve never understood why people don’t think they’re together. I think people have an idea that a famous couple is actually together, then they’d both have it as part of their brand. Meaning, they’d mention it all the time, be on the red carpet with each other all the time, get married and then have kids, etc. – the typical. I think their secretiveness about their relationship is probably why it’s lasted so long. If it ain’t broke…

              • Shanna

                I don’t think they’ve been a real couple since the late 80s. He knows her dirt, ups and downs, so she keeps him close, make sure he never wants for anything and they keep up the facade. I think they genuinely care for each other, but no romantic stuff going on there. I think he’s a part of her true inner circle, the other person being Gail. But it works for them.

                • miss t-lee

                  See…this is how I see it too.

                • K_

                  what about when she recently said b/w weight loss and queen sugar she was feeling sexy and stedman could not pick her up to the pool or something like that ..more part of the show?

                  • Shanna

                    I think she stays mindful to mention him in conversation/interviews to give it an authentic feel.

                    • K_

                      makes sense

                • mssporadic

                  Late 80s??? By ’89, she’d only had her show 3 yrs, I doubt she owned the show then so she didn’t have the bulk of her money. She could have dropped him and gave him a little hush money.

                  I think Oprah is very independent and not into traditional gender roles. Stedman was divorced; he probably wasn’t eager to get married again. Their life works for them. He travels a lot so I doubt he’s sitting at home waiting for her. Oprah can hang with Gayle and he can sit on one of the many couches in that mega mansion and watch something other than OWN.

          • RagesAgainstMachines

            Which makes sense. I feel like the Brangelina split only happened because they got married. They were together for 9 years, got married, then only lasted for 2. Some people shouldn’t get married.

    • naughtycorner

      That is longer than a lot of marriages ………it it works for them

      • miss t-lee

        Meh.

  • V.L. Johnson

    Nicole Ari Parker & Boris Kodjoe, Ayesha Curry & Stephen Curry too

    • mr. steal your costco samples

      Ayesha (THEY GOT OUR FAMILY TRAPPED ON THE BUS IN CLEVELAND OH LAWDY) gotta GO.

    • Brandon Allen

      The Currys need to get back on our good side.

      • mr. steal your costco samples

        Steph gonna try to bumslay. I’m here for him taking the souls of like Mike Conley and other lesser lights.

    • Hotep Awoke

      Black Couple…not beige couple…

  • Mika

    Boris and Nicole are kinda cool too. I would be sad about Courtney and Angela though. That’s some real old school love right there.

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