Break Up Advice from a Young Millennial to Other Young Millennials » VSB

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Break Up Advice from a Young Millennial to Other Young Millennials

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At the top of 2017, I brought in the New Year with a girlfriend and we wished for positivity and stability. Literally two weeks later the relationship ended.

Why? I’d rather not say, but what I will say is this, after months of consistent arguing, loss of sleep, and continuous stress, we mutually decided that it wasn’t the right time to continue the relationship. How backwards is that? We went from kissing when the ball dropped to actually doing what we tried to avoid.

As a young, 21-year-old attending an HBCU and being exposed to attractive, intelligent, young African-American women, love and dating can get pretty stressful, especially if you’ve dealt with one person for the past two years and it ended badly. I’ll admit it, she was amazing, I just wasn’t ready for the commitment (or at least I thought I wasn’t). Now, post-relationship, we did what young people do, act up!

If she did something and I found out, it literally turned into war, eventually turning the smallest love we had for each other into hate. Things just got toxic; we had a similar friend group, which made things no better because all of our actions got back to each other somehow.

Instead of moping around and expressing my deep anger on social media (Snapchat, because Instagram is completely banned from expressing my emotions, and who really vents to Facebook at my age anymore?) I should’ve been more focused on my studies and bettering myself as a young man. Basically, I learned some lessons. So I figured, why not elaborate on how to move post relationship? I know you older folks are going to be like “who are you to give advice? You’re not a seasoned grown man that’s been through a “real break-up”. “You have a lot of life ahead of you.” Or “Don’t let this break up consume you, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

To be honest, this experience was pretty intense, which is why I feel like I need to reach out to my millennial brothers and sisters so they won’t look crazy.

So here’s six post-relationship tips I feel will be effective for my age group.

1. Make sure this is right decision for YOU.

Look my millennial brothers and sisters, I get it, we get pissed easily, especially at this point of our life. Sometimes, hell, majority of the time, we’re going to say hurtful things out of emotion to someone that really takes us there.

Think before you make that drastic decision! Is this what you really want?  Yeah, she danced on that guy at that party when you weren’t there, or yeah he was in a room with another girl, but is it really worth ending the relationship? I can honestly say my generation reacts to the “now” rather than thinking about the future. Which is expected because our brains aren’t fully developed until the age of 25 (which is debateable because I know childish grown ass men).

2. Social media will make things worse trust me.

I kid you not; social media is the devil when it comes to situations like this. Expressing your feelings for the world to see will only make you look crazy. Remember, your social media page is like a brand for yourself. You always want to show positivity; never bash or subliminally hurt anyone and I don’t care if she had sex with your brother, the world doesn’t need to know.

3. Cope to your CLOSE friends or family not associates.

Look y’all, everyone is not your friend nor does everyone have your best interest in mind. Watch who you express your feelings too. The same person that you cried too could be talking behind your back to their right hand man while plotting to get at your ex! Same goes for women: Don’t do it! Yeah you’re vulnerable, and yeah maybe that person wants to listen at the time but eventually you’re going to look up and be the hot topic on campus. Who really needs all that negative attention at a tough time like this?

4. It’s cool to explore, but don’t do things out of spite.

Hop in your crush’s DM’s; you’re single and I’m pretty sure there’s someone you’re interested in getting to know. However, don’t be a creep, if she doesn’t reply it just wasn’t meant to be. If you actually have some type of intentions of making it work again with the ex, I advise you not to make the drastic decision of sleeping with his cousins best friend, or having sex with her worst enemy. It will mess up any hope of restoring what was broken.

5. Don’t be a depressed couch vegetable. Handle your business and live life.

Go out with your friends, it doesn’t hurt! Especially if you haven’t been on the scene since you’ve been in a relationship. Go to church and pray consistently! Don’t let this be an excuse to put your life on hold. Never let anyone or anything steal your joy. We all have been through rough times with our significant others. I literally looked in the mirror and said, “Get your shit together man.” Learn how to make yourself happy without that person.

6. Music helps

Make a solid playlist of songs that match your mood. That’s what I did and it really helps. Some hip-hop songs may help, but explore the R&B/ Soul Genre, especially the oldies, you know, a little Tank, Luther, and McKnight won’t hurt. (Editor’s Note: Hilarious that Tank and Brian McKnight constitute oldies. Millenials, man. – PJ) Drake’s whole Take Care album is also a great album to listen too.

I honestly hope these tips helped out in some form or fashion. I also hope you older readers approve of this article. As you can see I somewhat have an old soul mindset. It will only get better with time, just like this break up process. Trust me!

 

Collins McClain

Collins McClain is a Junior Sociology Major, Journalism Minor attending Morehouse College. He was born and raised in Milwaukee, WI (where there actually a ton of black people). He enjoys listening to different types of music, writing, values spending time with family, loved ones, and enjoys doing things young black college students do! He hopes to one day be rich, give back, and push education to young black men. Reach him at mcclain.collins1@gmail.com

  • Dougie

    Way to go little buddy.

  • Michelle is my First Lady

    I was with you until:

    “Some hip-hop songs may help, but explore the R&B/ Soul Genre, especially the oldies, you know, a little Tank, Luther, and McKnight won’t hurt. Drake’s whole Take Care album is also a great album to listen too.”

    OLDIES?!?! DRAKE!??!

    https://media.giphy.com/media/8Rk0YvGpGuyVq/giphy.gif

    • AKA The Sauce

      I’m like..Tank??? Who is this kid lol

      Also…hip hop is the best way to get over a break-up. R&B will get you in your feelings

      • Rewind4ThatBehind

        lmao yall need to stop.

        You know he’s a yung’n. We are sounding so cranky right now.

        • Michelle is my First Lady

          Welp, you can call me Ms. “Get off my lawn”

          • Rewind4ThatBehind

            Should I buy you a shotgun next?

            • And a rocking chair.

              • Rewind4ThatBehind

                Chewing tobacco too

        • Jae Starz

          Nah he’s crazy classifying Tank as an oldie. lol

        • Me

          As part of the older half of “millennial,” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at finding out Tank & Brian apparently made it into “oldies” category, especially when I have full on Brian McKnight iPod days at work at least once a month as I sit quietly in my cube rocking like his songs just came out. I feel like I entered the Twilight Zone.

          • Rewind4ThatBehind

            It’s not oldies per say but it’s also a new era and we still have a problem accepting that.

      • Rewind4ThatBehind

        I prefer alternative rock. From the 90s.

        Get rid of some teenage angst & love feelings in one shot.

        • miss t-lee

          I have a whole angry alternative/metal playlist for this.

        • mssporadic

          No Doubt and the Cranberries will get you through some thangs.

          • Rewind4ThatBehind

            The bands who made me who I am

            Especially if I hear Just A Girl or Linger.

            I’m done.

            • mssporadic

              I’ve heard Zombie on the radio almost every day this week. It’s helping me deal with the construction season.

              • Rewind4ThatBehind

                Zombie is an incredible song.

                Construction…bombs…I see you madam..I see you.

        • AKA The Sauce

          Maaaan…I agree

    • The Drake thing made me shake my head but I get it considering the age range.

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        I need to consult with my nephew on this one! He’s in that same age group.

    • Hadassah

      Don’t they look up to these things called yatchies and the other hideous one that looked like he crawled from the womb of a worm.

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        what are yatchies?

        • Hadassah

          Ask the writer.

          I believe the right name is Lil Yatchy.

          • Michelle is my First Lady

            I want to Google it but sounds like it is NSFW.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          lmao yall are horrible.

          Lil Yatchy.

        • cedriclathan

          From the Urban dictionary:

          2

          Yachty

          Refers to one usually but not limited to a male. Someone who dresses to look as if they would be in a Yacht Club. Usually ironic because of their lack of wealth, and quite possibly pretty broke. They look expensive. They might look like they’re wearing Lacoste or Izod.

          Look at that cute yachty over there, with his argyle sweater vest and button down.

      • MsCee

        Kodak Black…lawd, bless that baby.

        • Hadassah

          YAZ. That’s the worm I was talking bout.

          • MsCee

            Bless his heart. That’s all I’ve got for him.

    • Zil Nabu

      Yo, I lost it at “oldies like Tank and Brian McKnight.” Bless his heart.

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        Bless him.

    • Cleojonz

      Sh*t Tank ain’t even oldies lol.

  • I stopped at “As a young, 21-year-old…”

    • miss t-lee

      I almost did, but I persevered…lol

      • Hadassah

        I preserved because, I’m trying to be like Esther in the Bible. Lots of perseverance.

        • miss t-lee

          I have a persevere tattoo, this is what I do…lol

          • Hadassah

            One day I will get there.

            • miss t-lee

              It’s a rough road. I really wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but you’ll get there.

        • theaythmonth

          I need to go back and read her book.

          • Hadassah

            Who? ESTHER? In the Bible? Please do. Such a gracious, humble young lady.

            • theaythmonth

              “Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

              • Hadassah

                Is that from the Book of Esther?

                • theaythmonth

                  Yes, Chapter 4, verse 14

      • SororSalsa

        I read the whole thing, because I love to read and I’m interested in hearing about what the kids are doing these days. I keep a millennial friend around for just that purpose. He keeps me from reading most of the thinkpieces out there.

        • miss t-lee

          Understood.
          My little cousins keep me in the loop with the millennial type stuff…lol

        • Kat

          I’m having a “kickback” instead of a house part courtesy of a millennial. I think.

    • Jae Starz

      *snicker*

    • MsCee

      LMFAO

    • The editor in me rolled her eyes, but I made it.

      • Sherirkincheloe

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    • Glo

      Same.

    • Simms~

      I am usually a glutton for punishment so I stayed the course.

      • Mr. Mooggyy

        I may have skipped a couple of lines but I finished!

    • siante

      This post made me feel kinda old

    • JennyJazzhands

      I just read the numbered points.

    • I was thinking… youngins don’t cuss you out when it’s over… they write thinkpieces. And I’m over here like.. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9bacdb9c496f4033811768444c7ccd62fbe6436f799d9151f329464b4767f72d.gif

      • Janelle Doe

        Meanwhile, I was thinking where are NWT and Nonya to provide some coaching classes
        ;-)

        • Chiiiile, the dating game has seriously changed… I’m SO DAYUM ANNOYED.

          • SororSalsa

            THIS.

            Girl, I was over here side-eyeing this whole piece, like “where they do that at?” Makes me glad I’m 1) not a millennial; 2) did most of my dating before social media and 3) not active in the dating scene anymore.

            • !!!!!!!!! COSIGN

            • HoneyRose

              I AM a millennial and was like “where they do that at?”

        • NonyaB?

          Ahahaha! These youngins might be too sensitive. So, I just dropped a Pikachu pic in my main comment and called it a wrap.

          • Yani5

            Or are you too bitter? ?

      • NonyaB?

        You better tell it! Not sure who the target was because even kids in writer’s age group probably figure he can’t know better when like the rest of them, he simply hasn’t experienced more, yet. Good blog experiment for DayMoan and PanaMayne, I guess. I dropped a Pikachu pic in my main comment and called it a wrap.

        • ?????

        • nillalatte

          DayMoan and PanaMayne… ???

          • NonyaB?

            That’s how I listed them in my people’s bureau records and I’m sticking to it!

      • Yani5

        Why?!? First of all how old are you?!? You know what? That doesn’t matter, because this post is clearly for milineials so your a non-factor… period… why even waste your characters on something you don’t understand :)

        • Yani5

          Millinneials*
          Waiting for petty spelling response… don’t act like spell check don’t catch you off guard either…

          • Peezy

            nope. Still didn’t spell it right.

        • Kat

          Oh my….you a little upset. You know the author?

        • Looking4Treble

          *you’re.

    • Becca

      LITERALLY WHAT I DID. *next* #SorryNotSorry.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      Shadauna Shadington.

    • Kat

      Ya’ll mean…lmao

    • Looking4Treble

      So I wasn’t the only one to read that line and be like “youngin’, I hear you, but come back when I don’t have shoes older than you.”

    • Stanley

      LMAO

  • NonyaB?
  • Mizwest

    Couch Vegetable?! Lol, I know I’m old when I can’t get past “It’s supposed to be couch potato” in my head. My sister is 22 and keeps me in the know of what’s “the new thing”, I don’t have time between work, bills, life and tryna find a soulmate….I don’t know what’s what anymore. I’m officially stuck in my ways @ 30.

  • Zil Nabu

    I actually think this piece was quite accurate in a hindsight sense. The part about dating within a close knit social circle definitely resonated. I had to stop dating Greeks 10 years ago because it got too incestuous and errybody was always up in the business. Could never break up and continue to hook up in peace.

    • Rewind4ThatBehind

      How…..do you date people who knows everyone you know?

      I’ve always been curious about this.

      • Zil Nabu

        Proximity and time always breed relations. It is what it is.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          Seems so, but it never worried you before hand?

          • Zil Nabu

            I pretended it did, but when he’s tall and cute and whispering in your ear repercussions are easily dismissed.

            • Rewind4ThatBehind

              splash waterfalls, I see you

              • Zil Nabu

                I’ll own it.

      • Hadassah

        I guess you have to develop a sense of no phakks….otherwise I don’t see how.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          I have never been able to understand it when the end result is ALWAYS the same.

      • Epsilonicus

        All the people I know who are married at or before 30 married someone who ran in their social circles from college

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          Tight knit situation there

      • IDontKnowAnyMore

        I’m dating a family friend. It’s weird. And scary.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          But but why?

          Actually I take that back, that’s how I met my ex-wife.

          • IDontKnowAnyMore

            It’s hard because if we mess up, that messes up the whole dynamic. But the family kind of put us together (and I’ve had a crush on him since I was little). With it being said, I’m super secretive/private, so it’s really testing my limits. Nothing like I’m at his house, and my uncles pull up and hang out with him.

            • Rewind4ThatBehind

              I understand.

              I think it’s primarily because you’re a private person, that’s what makes it super difficult. Because should a bad time arise and they find out he did something that really was foul to you, while you may forgive him…they won’t.

              That’s the kind of stuff I had to learn the hard way.

              • IDontKnowAnyMore

                My family is more worried about me treating him right than the other way around lol

                • Rewind4ThatBehind

                  lmao what you been doing girl?

      • Jae Starz

        I had a firm do not shat where I eat rule. I likes my dirt to stay low where it belongs. This rule has been successful for me. But I can see how folks can get into situations like that.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          I see it now at this age but all my life I viewed it as a cardinal sin

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      You still mad a me, Zil?

      But it’s funny that you said that! That was sort of a turn-off from me joining a frat! But I seem to attract ladies of D9 organizations (just sayin). But the circle, especially in the DC area, is too small! So all the damm Alpha Chapter knows my business between shawty! That can be frustrating!

      • Zil Nabu

        It was a mess where I went to school because there weren’t a ton of Black students. Everybody from across the state kicked it. You couldn’t even have a passing flirtation with a bruh from one school and then look at his frat brother from another school 6 months later without everyone knowing and offering an opinion. I had a lot of fun during those years but so much unnecessary drama that killed promising situationships before they could be something more.

        And I’m not mad anymore if you got me that sammich.

  • PDL….HE still working on me

    #7 Make sure you’re ready….over and above all. That will help with 1-6

  • Zil Nabu

    Quietly kept Take Care is actually a very good album for getting in your feelings. “Hate Sleeping Alone” is a little bit too true at times.

    • miss t-lee

      I only listened to is once, s/c and that was because of “Lord Knows”.

      • Zil Nabu

        That album had me for a good month or two. Quite enjoyable listening to Light skindeded problems.

        • miss t-lee

          I couldn’t.

  • Wizznilliam

    Like the great philosopher Mike Tyson once said: “Everyone has a game plan until they get punched in the mouth.”
    All you need to know is:
    1) man/woman up and just do it. Stop worrying about how much it will hurt the other person.
    2) It’s going to suck for a while.. The time length will likely be proportional to how long you were together.
    3) Don’t try to dip back in and out for chex. Move on completely. No “You up” texts. This will be hard.
    Outside of that everything else is just extra.

  • Mizwest

    Don’t take this the wrong way, but based off my interactions with my younger sister.It seems like millenials are trying to navigate through a bunch of first world problems…and I’m just like -_-

    • miss t-lee

      You sound like me talking to my little cousins.

      • Mizwest

        I hope my daughters generation isn’t doomed, because my sister has no life skills and I just shake my head.

        • miss t-lee

          I don’t think they’re doomed. Just talk to em. That’s what I do to my lil youngins that call me auntie.

    • Michelle is my First Lady

      I’ve heard a few older folks say these kids today are too emotionally fragile.

      • I’d agree, they have no emotional coping skills.

        • theaythmonth

          Lol maybe we’re just all just bitter jaded to the unfair realities of life.

          • Girl… *rolls eyes* lol

            • theaythmonth

              Girl! You know I’m probably right. ?

        • Charge it to the folks who raised them.

          • i blame it on these “kumbyah” sport leagues, where all the kids get trophies… thats not real life. Losing and facing difficulties in competitions, school, dance & cheer helped me develop coping skills and emotionally.

          • Mr. Mooggyy

            Bingo! Gen X did not want their kids to go through what they had to! So some have become over protective and sheltering them from life! I understand wanting the best for your seed, but at some point, they have to experience life so they can learn!

            • Michelle is my First Lady

              It is the case of helicopter parents.

            • HOLLA! Any time I see folks 15-20 years older than me talking about how “we” can’t do anything for ourselves and are too entitled, I’m like “That’s your fault!! Who do you think taught us to be like that?!”

            • JennyJazzhands

              Funny because I was incredibly sheltered growing up but I turned out a lot different than my sheltered friends. I have a friend who’s mom still pays her bills even though she works full time. I, on the other hand, could have one can of soup in the pantry and hate asking for anything, even though I know my family would give it, especially with how they spoiled me growing up. Idk, it’s like something in my personality rejected the sheltered life.

        • Michelle is my First Lady

          I try to save my judgment, but I often wonder what went “stage left” with millenials. Like, what about the young black couple that committed suicide last week, just days apart from each other? Folks were calling their suicides an act of “seeking attention on social media” and “narcissism” but I am not quite sure what to think. Did we, baby boomers & gen Xers, give millenials the right tools to be able to cope with rough times and hardships?

          • Jae Starz

            I often wonder this. My brother is 23. I’m 10+ years older than him. And the look of defeat that he gets at times worries me to my soul. He almost can’t function when things go awry.

            • Zil Nabu

              My baby brother is 7.5 years younger than me and he stays stressed out. He soldiers through, but he really hasn’t mastered the art of not allowing hard times to steal his joy. He’s always on some, “I’ll be happy when…” ish and it breaks my heart.

              • Jae Starz

                Seriously tho. I’m trying to get him prepared for real life but idk if and when he will be ready.

          • I always thing about this… And questioned it for some time. Like i said downthread, maybe its something to do with the kumyah sport where everyone is a winner – OR – Parents not wanting to raise their kids like their parents raised them.

            • Michelle is my First Lady

              That is a factor. Parents are so busy sheltering their children unfortunately in the end, it doesn’t do any good for the child.

          • Kim

            I was hoping we’d talk about that even though it’s kind of heavy.

            • Michelle is my First Lady

              Hey Kim!
              Yeah, I kind of hoped so too. I have so many thoughts about it!

              • Epsilonicus

                Share because I am really interested in what you have to say

                • Michelle is my First Lady

                  I posted on a comment board on FB recently and nearly got cussed out behind my comment (another reason why I need to stay off FB lol). Anyway, I really sympathized with this young couple. They had so much life to give. I don’t know the factors that went into the young girl taking her life, but I watched the video of the young boy just moments before he passed. He was a wreck! That can’t be a good position to be in.

                  Whatever happened – the only way they could find peace was to take their young life. I think we all have a certain threshold on how much sh*t we can handle. And like I said down thread, only some of us are given the tools to cope with/get through more serious issues.

                  • Mr. Mooggyy

                    I feel for the family! I just don’t understand….
                    Look a lot of us use this site as sounding board (one great thing about the internet) when we can’t necessarily talk to family and friends. You mean to tell me there wasn’t something this young man could have looked for? Hotlines, chatrooms, etc. What about, “I know there’s a better feeling than this. Let me go get that back!” I guess that’s what you mean by coping tools! I was always taught to pick yourself back up!

                    • Michelle is my First Lady

                      And he had a TON of friends around him. I mean, he shouted out people for a few minutes in the suicide video. I guess when you reach that level of hopelessness, no matter how close your friends are, it just doesn’t help ease the pain.

                    • LMNOP

                      I think young people are more susceptible to this because 1) they haven’t lived as long, so they don’t have as much experience with the highs and lows of life and 2) they are very emotional and impulsive, and their brains haven’t quite developed to the level where they completely understand mortality (I learned this at a work training when I was 20, I’m 34 now and not really aware of any kind of shift that has happened in how I view death, so who knows?)

              • Kim

                It’s a lot to unpack from the troubling posts, the live stream suicide note and the rumors of the young lady parent’s and friends blaming him while he was also mourning. Both teens admitting they had no support from family and her being pregnant.

                • Michelle is my First Lady

                  Ah! So she was pregnant! I heard that was the case but wasn’t quite sure. It makes sense now because we all know a black family that will shun their daughter(s) for having babies out of wedlock.

          • JennyJazzhands

            I know quite a few parents of teenagers that don’t actually parent. I told one of my friends that she interacts with her daughter like sges just babysitting someone else’s kid.
            For a lot of people it hasn’t registered that you are solely responsible for developing and guiding this little human. Not just clothing and feeding them.

          • LMNOP

            But people (and especially young people) have been committing suicide for a long time, I think the only thing new is social media.

      • grownandsexy2

        These old folks raised these fragile kids tho.

    • theaythmonth

      Can you provide an example?

      • Mizwest

        Like whether or not to buy the google pixel phone, boyfriend being not reading between the lines of her being upset when she says she’s fine after he asks. Gets flustered and can’t handle pressure at work, when clients are unhappy. She is the baby sister so that might have something to do with it. She’s never lived on her own, doesn’t know what she wants to do in life. Doesn’t seem to be in a rush either….doesn’t care for social justice issues, more interested in what’s the latest n greatest.

    • In some cases, yes, but millennials also face certain challenges older folks never had to and probably never will. Cyberbullying, for instance, is real and absolutely detrimental, and this economy where everyone is overeducated and underpaid – that’s not pretty either.

      • Epsilonicus

        That economy ish is real. It forces Millennials to make decisions that older folks did not have to make.

        • Tuh! My grandparents came to this country as well-educated immigrants with four children. My grandmother worked for peanuts in the garment district of NYC before being able to find nursing work because no one wanted to hire a heavily accented woman in hospitals in Queens, which was mostly populated by white people at the time. With all those odds against them, they STILL were able to buy a house in the 70s on two modest incomes after only a few years.

          Meanwhile, people with Ph.Ds in 2017 are waiting tables and scraping by on Ramen noodles. It’s not a game ouchea.

          • Epsilonicus

            I know PhDs on food stamps and cash assistance. The game is real out here.

            I know folks making 60k still needing to have roommates to make ends meet and they are fiscally responsible.

            • UrbanNortheast

              Me too – Ph.Ds who are adjuncts and literally can’t afford to live. No benefits, no job security, barely any money.

        • Social media can and will influence you to be a certain way, good or bad. The attraction to being like the garbage you see on the net is strong.

      • Mizwest

        Very true, I forget about those things.

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