Break Up Advice from a Young Millennial to Other Young Millennials » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Lists, Pop Culture

Break Up Advice from a Young Millennial to Other Young Millennials

iStock

 

At the top of 2017, I brought in the New Year with a girlfriend and we wished for positivity and stability. Literally two weeks later the relationship ended.

Why? I’d rather not say, but what I will say is this, after months of consistent arguing, loss of sleep, and continuous stress, we mutually decided that it wasn’t the right time to continue the relationship. How backwards is that? We went from kissing when the ball dropped to actually doing what we tried to avoid.

As a young, 21-year-old attending an HBCU and being exposed to attractive, intelligent, young African-American women, love and dating can get pretty stressful, especially if you’ve dealt with one person for the past two years and it ended badly. I’ll admit it, she was amazing, I just wasn’t ready for the commitment (or at least I thought I wasn’t). Now, post-relationship, we did what young people do, act up!

If she did something and I found out, it literally turned into war, eventually turning the smallest love we had for each other into hate. Things just got toxic; we had a similar friend group, which made things no better because all of our actions got back to each other somehow.

Instead of moping around and expressing my deep anger on social media (Snapchat, because Instagram is completely banned from expressing my emotions, and who really vents to Facebook at my age anymore?) I should’ve been more focused on my studies and bettering myself as a young man. Basically, I learned some lessons. So I figured, why not elaborate on how to move post relationship? I know you older folks are going to be like “who are you to give advice? You’re not a seasoned grown man that’s been through a “real break-up”. “You have a lot of life ahead of you.” Or “Don’t let this break up consume you, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

To be honest, this experience was pretty intense, which is why I feel like I need to reach out to my millennial brothers and sisters so they won’t look crazy.

So here’s six post-relationship tips I feel will be effective for my age group.

1. Make sure this is right decision for YOU.

Look my millennial brothers and sisters, I get it, we get pissed easily, especially at this point of our life. Sometimes, hell, majority of the time, we’re going to say hurtful things out of emotion to someone that really takes us there.

Think before you make that drastic decision! Is this what you really want?  Yeah, she danced on that guy at that party when you weren’t there, or yeah he was in a room with another girl, but is it really worth ending the relationship? I can honestly say my generation reacts to the “now” rather than thinking about the future. Which is expected because our brains aren’t fully developed until the age of 25 (which is debateable because I know childish grown ass men).

2. Social media will make things worse trust me.

I kid you not; social media is the devil when it comes to situations like this. Expressing your feelings for the world to see will only make you look crazy. Remember, your social media page is like a brand for yourself. You always want to show positivity; never bash or subliminally hurt anyone and I don’t care if she had sex with your brother, the world doesn’t need to know.

3. Cope to your CLOSE friends or family not associates.

Look y’all, everyone is not your friend nor does everyone have your best interest in mind. Watch who you express your feelings too. The same person that you cried too could be talking behind your back to their right hand man while plotting to get at your ex! Same goes for women: Don’t do it! Yeah you’re vulnerable, and yeah maybe that person wants to listen at the time but eventually you’re going to look up and be the hot topic on campus. Who really needs all that negative attention at a tough time like this?

4. It’s cool to explore, but don’t do things out of spite.

Hop in your crush’s DM’s; you’re single and I’m pretty sure there’s someone you’re interested in getting to know. However, don’t be a creep, if she doesn’t reply it just wasn’t meant to be. If you actually have some type of intentions of making it work again with the ex, I advise you not to make the drastic decision of sleeping with his cousins best friend, or having sex with her worst enemy. It will mess up any hope of restoring what was broken.

5. Don’t be a depressed couch vegetable. Handle your business and live life.

Go out with your friends, it doesn’t hurt! Especially if you haven’t been on the scene since you’ve been in a relationship. Go to church and pray consistently! Don’t let this be an excuse to put your life on hold. Never let anyone or anything steal your joy. We all have been through rough times with our significant others. I literally looked in the mirror and said, “Get your shit together man.” Learn how to make yourself happy without that person.

6. Music helps

Make a solid playlist of songs that match your mood. That’s what I did and it really helps. Some hip-hop songs may help, but explore the R&B/ Soul Genre, especially the oldies, you know, a little Tank, Luther, and McKnight won’t hurt. (Editor’s Note: Hilarious that Tank and Brian McKnight constitute oldies. Millenials, man. – PJ) Drake’s whole Take Care album is also a great album to listen too.

I honestly hope these tips helped out in some form or fashion. I also hope you older readers approve of this article. As you can see I somewhat have an old soul mindset. It will only get better with time, just like this break up process. Trust me!

 

Collins McClain

Collins McClain is a Junior Sociology Major, Journalism Minor attending Morehouse College. He was born and raised in Milwaukee, WI (where there actually a ton of black people). He enjoys listening to different types of music, writing, values spending time with family, loved ones, and enjoys doing things young black college students do! He hopes to one day be rich, give back, and push education to young black men. Reach him at mcclain.collins1@gmail.com

  • Hadassah

    All I have is awwwwww.

  • Luke Neal

    This was mad cute yo.

    • theaythmonth

      Super cute. Like teddy bears and sleeping puppies cute.

    • Yani5

      Cute? What man use the word cute? ?

      • Gibbous

        A mad cute man, yo!

    • Tomesha Rene

      I said the same thing. I was like “aaaawwww so precious.”

  • Awwwwwwww..this might be condescending AF, but awwwwwww..

    • theaythmonth

      I had the same rxn.

    • Hadassah

      That’s all I got. Shooooooo cuuuuuuuuute.

      • With a pinch cheek and aythang!

        • Hadassah

          No. Just aw.

    • LMNOP

      That was my reaction “aw, this is adorable.” But probably no 21 year old wants to be adorable.

  • MsCee

    I’m just here for the crowd reaction. Interesting read!

  • blueevey

    Crying helps.a lot. Especially if it’s a lot of crying.

    Coming from someone who a yr ago got dumped by a fiance. And apparently, per facebk, dream crying turned into awake crying. Crying helps.

    • Hadassah

      A fiancee. God. Hugsssss

      • blueevey

        Thanks. I’m waaaaay better now

    • Rewind4ThatBehind

      Let the river flow and wash everything away.

      Crying soothes the soul for sure.

      • Hadassah

        Not for me.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          Why not?

    • NonyaB?

      Sorry to hear it. What a fuckwad. Want The People’s Bureau to roll up on him? You’ve been around long enough to earn a “fxck-sh*t-up on demand” pass.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/67f7ae414c42b147cbd6286918f2c2d8208a4a931e47a2630831d792971c5c7c.jpg

      • blueevey

        Hahahaha. Thanks but nah. He’s not worth the calories.

        Also, yay! (? ) to the pass

    • Simms~

      Crying is definitely cleansing. Ask me how I know.

    • Val

      *eHUG*

    • Junegirl627

      You’ve probably heard this before but in those times and in the time you spend recovering afterwards you have to think about the type of person who could to something so low down. You almost committed yourself to someone who is at best spineless and at worse a sociopath. If they’re spineless, imagine what would happen if times got hard and money was tight and there’s no way out. what if by that point yall have kids. If they are a sociopath every seemingly “better option” puts you at risk always and the longer it takes for them to drop you because they will, the more you lose out on because you spent years building with a destroyer.

      So even though it may not seem like it now or then you are better off. It happened in the worse way but it happened and now you can build a good life that won’t be destroyed by a bad person.

      • blueevey

        Thank you. And yas, I may not use coward, but his acts were cowardly

  • panamajackson

    I’m just amazed that Tank is an oldie. Tank is STILL making records that sound like new records. You can make a case for Brian McKnight. But he had songs in the 2000s. lol I’m old. Oh, and…millennials, b.

    • Rewind4ThatBehind

      I don’t even know why you’re trying to fight this.

      We do not win this battle. Ever.

      Abort mission and live blissfully in the real world with the rest of us because we will laugh at the youth for not knowing the lyrics for Before I Let Go.

      • panamajackson

        Oh I’m not fighting this battle. I am enjoying it though. Also, this is probably the most burn Tank will get in a “thinkpiece” in like, ever.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          EVER.

          Except I can’t front…Birthday is a hot song from his last album. Did not know he had that in him.

          • porqpai

            Birthday caught me all the way off guard. Like, that was Tank?!!?! Smh. He’s still making some things work.

            • Rewind4ThatBehind

              We will have to jam to it in the car soon enough

              • porqpai

                Most def. Though truthful, after seeing the episode of Sisters of Hip Hop ( or whatever that mc lyte reality show is called ) where Tank was coaching Siya for a live show, I cackle every time I hear this song now.

      • Jae Starz

        I am not ready to deal with there being people in the world who don’t know Before I Let Go.

        • Zil Nabu

          I remember the day I realized that there were people in the world who weren’t alive with Biggie. It was devastating.

        • Monica Harris

          That will honestly never happen. It’s a staple at all functions with black people

        • Cleojonz

          That will never happen so long as a black barbecue exists.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          Such a thing should never exist if we keep it 100

    • theaythmonth

      Do you think Babyface qualifies as old?

      • Epsilonicus

        Babyface is definitely old!!

      • panamajackson

        Babyface might for real be an oldie. His heyday was the 80s. It’s doggone near 2020 outchea.

        • theaythmonth

          True. Some teenagers today dont really know who Usher is. That’s how I know I’m getting older.

          • Rewind4ThatBehind

            You’re old when you realize Tevin Campbell has been replaced like fifty-eleven times in the past 15 years & yet none of them made a song as great as Can We Talk or Break It Down.

            • theaythmonth

              “Last night IIIII…I saw you standing
              And I started, started pretending…”?

              • Rewind4ThatBehind

                That I knew you/and you knew me toooooooooooooooooooooooo

                • Zil Nabu

                  And just like a roni you were too shy, but you weren’t the only cause so I was I

                  • Rewind4ThatBehind

                    And I dreamed of you ever since/now I built of my confidence
                    Girl next time you come my way/I’ll know just what to saaaaaaaaaaaaaay

                    • Zil Nabu

                      Can we taaaaalk for a minute. Girl, I want to know your name. Can we taaaaaaaaaaalk for a minute. Girl, I want to know your name.

                    • theaythmonth

                      I’m enjoying this singalong.

                    • L8Comer

                      Goes to find tevin Campbell on my ipod

            • Zil Nabu

              Can We Talk still makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I envision myself walking down the street in flannel and Doc Martins while a dude with a flat top tries to holla.

              • Rewind4ThatBehind

                lmao given all these millenials love dressing up like its the 90s, that’s actually something that will happen.

            • Furious Styles

              Remember when he was supposed to be the next MJ?

              • Rewind4ThatBehind

                Tsk tsk, a shame it all went away so fast.

        • miss t-lee

          …and he’s still at it.

          • panamajackson

            He is. But so are the Temptations. lol. And the Whispers who dropped an album in 2009. Oldies are a state of mind. lol

            • Epsilonicus

              Lenny Williams still out in these streets. I saw his Unsung episode.

            • Cleojonz

              You mean what’s left of the Temptations lol.

            • miss t-lee

              Ain’t none of them Temptations the actual Temptations…lol

              • panamajackson

                Except for Otis Williams!

                • miss t-lee

                  I don’t think he tours. Or does he?

      • Alessandro De Medici

        If there are pictures of you rocking a jheri curl that others either have or can be used against you in the court of public opinion…

        Youz an oldie.

      • The Deele had records out before I learned long division so Babyface is old.

        • miss t-lee

          Yeah, he’s been at it a whole long time.

      • Rewind4ThatBehind

        Babyface is 80s, so yea boo, he’s old.

        But classic old.

      • Cleojonz

        Don’t let that black a** hair fool you!

    • miss t-lee

      Tank’s latest album was really good.

    • “Drake’s whole Take Care album is also a great album to listen too.”

      In the wake of a break up this may be the most millenial thing I’ve read…

      Man, I feel old.

      • miss t-lee

        I’m shining up my walker, Wu.

        • I just got some new tennis balls for mine.

          • miss t-lee

            *daps*

    • DM.

      Tank is oldies lol.
      (Anything released before 2005 qualifies as oldies– that’s over a DECADE ago)

      • Zil Nabu
        • Catfish Jenkins

          I think that for most folk, anything that brings them back to the start of high school, or when they first were legally able to get into a club is an oldie.

          Example – in my opinion, In Da Club is the biggest song released in the 21st century. That was 14 YEARS AGO! I could still drink a fifth, bubble on a ting, put in 2-3 rounds, get 2 hours sleep, go shoot a wedding for 12 hours the following day, and make like Amil (what happened to her?) and do it again. Take Care was 2011. That was 6 years ago for young’n. A little under 1/3 of his life ago. I can see how it’s an oldie for him.

      • panamajackson

        Somebody tell T.I. that he’s an oldies rapper.

        • DM.

          TI’s had hits in the ’10s though…

          Aaaand, according to Wiki its been 16 years since Tank’s debut album. That’s many, many years.
          Tank, Joe, Ginuwine, Babyface, Toni Braxton etc = super throwbacks

    • porqpai

      I realized I was old when a youngin asked me, “Who is Richard Pryor?” We were talking about comedy. I died a little on the inside that day.

      • Looking4Treble

        He asked “Who is Richard Pryor”?

        What is the URL to the AARP site. I must be gettin’ too old for this.

  • Rewind4ThatBehind

    Part of me wanted to say

    http://i.imgur.com/ZjNZljw.gif

    but honestly bruh,

    http://i.imgur.com/WEE4Aeq.gif

    Good A$$ Job sir.

  • Funny though, this is a bit of insight I guess into the “younger” mind. WHOA does that mean I’m old? I’m not even 30 but I feel like I’m so far removed from this state. Anyway..I was watching that 13 reasons show with hubby last night and we started discussing “this generation’s” obsession with social media, and how that affects their dating lives.

    I’m just so glad this stuff wasn’t around during my heyday. I was able to do all my dirt under the guise of a lie telling my parents I was at the library and come out of it relatively unscathed. These days, one false step and you end up living in infamy on the innanets. Scary stuff bro.

    • Rewind4ThatBehind

      Self-snitching is what this generation excels at.

      It would be cute if it wasn’t so tragic.

      • Junegirl627

        OMG!!! My niece got on FB live and posted her 15 year old self rollin a blunt and smoking it while dancing to trap music in a sports bra and soccer shorts. I just called her and said “if you get shot by the cops they aint even getting questioned after this shizz” These kids don’t realized that they are ruining there lives by self documenting all of their past misdeeds.

        • Kat

          I don’t add any family members under 21…the level of stupidity displayed is too much for me.

        • Rewind4ThatBehind

          I can’t lie…this “all me” culture we helped produce is a b i t c h.

          These kids really don’t understand being on camera is the beginning of the end.

    • panamajackson

      Part of why I wanted to publish this piece (and when he pitched I asked him to go through the process) is because it IS insight into what life looked like to a lot of us at that age in terms of how we viewed breakups. And how dope would it be to see what it looks like for younger kids versus how we all view these things now. And even for him…10 years from now he can look back and say, thats what I thought I knew, how does it stack up now?

      I love time capsule material.

      • I remember being 19 and feeling like my life was over after a breakup. He was almost 30, and while I don’t give a crap about his life today, I always wondered what it was like for him at the time.

        I found a notebook from that period in my life and man, I wrote some dark stuff in there. Journals, diaries and even old facebook memories have helped me see who I was and it’s very eye-opening.

        • Jae Starz

          I still have old journals from HS-roughly 21/22. Sometimes I will skim through it and I really have a good hearty laugh at my younger self. I was really going through it or so I thought.

          • I WISH i had some of those problems from back then in my life now. I would gladly take my 19-year-old angst any day!

            • Jae Starz

              Only if I can bring the knowledge that I have now.

          • porqpai

            I have all my journals from roughly around 11 until 19/20. I cringe when I read them now. But I always expected that. It’s still hilariously bad in hindsight.

            • Jae Starz

              So bad. So so bad. lol

            • UrbanNortheast

              I’ve been keeping journals since third grade. Maaaaan, I cringe at my middle & high school self. This boy got with another girl at the 8th grade dance and I legit thought I was going to die.

              • Zil Nabu

                That is the absolute worst. And all you can do is sit there and watch it happen.

              • siante

                I’ve been journaling since middle school too. It’s sobering to realize how dramatic things were at that age.

          • Zil Nabu

            Man I swear in high school and college the drama was bigger in my head than it really was in life.

            • Jae Starz

              So much bigger. LOL

        • MsCee

          Man, I wanna go back and admit my dayum self after reading some of my old diaries. Lmfao

    • blueevey

      You and he and I are all millenials. That’s the trippy part.

      • Monica Harris

        Exactly. Millennials includes mid30s

        • Mr. Mooggyy

          I rebuke that notion! LOL

      • I read somewhere that millennials are from the ages of 18-36. That’s WAY too big of a gap. I’m 29 and there are 25-year-olds whom I look at like babies. Our ideologies are very different.

        • Catfish Jenkins

          There’s Gen X (me) from mid 60s-81 Gen Y is considered 82-90. Millenials are 91 and up.

          • Me

            Gen Y and Millenial are the same group. Folks only started calling them millenials in the last 5-10 years.

            • Janelle Doe

              What are they calling the group after that?

              • Me

                Gen Z/Centennials/Post-Millenials… Other names might pop up in the next 5-10 years since they’re all just reaching adulthood in the past few years.

          • TheUnsungStoryteller

            I want to be Gen Y so bad then. I was born at the tail end of 91, but I got an old soul though…can I still hang out with y’all?

          • Zil Nabu

            I’ve always celebrated the fact that I just made it into Gen X. The slacker generation was the best.

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Awww you look at me as a baby!!! I feel like I’m in the middle – between the author and a 30year old. I guess because I actually am in the middle. Like I’m starting to become cynacial about dating nowadays. My standards have increased. Lol

        • HoneyRose

          Generations were never supposed to mean we all think the same and go through the same stuff. When generational research started, news spread more slowly and only big things really became national, so a generation was supposed to be people who were tied together by the same few big historical linchpins and were generally affected by them. That’s why they’re 20 years or so.

        • siante

          When the term first came out it was ’91ish & up, but they’ve broadened it.

  • miss t-lee

    Any advice I can offer a 21 year old is definitely gonna sound old lady as f*ck.
    Solid plan though, Godspeed.

    • Michelle is my First Lady

      This shade right hea’ now!

      • miss t-lee

        I was being sincere!!

        • Zil Nabu

          Sincerely shady.

          • Michelle is my First Lady

            Yes sis!

          • miss t-lee

            *cackling*

    • AlwaysPi7

      Truthfully I would advise any young person to not get serious about anyone until you reach career/education goals esp with all everything these younger folk have to deal with…

      • miss t-lee

        Very solid advice.

      • Epsilonicus

        We say that but then you hit that point and women start wondering why you such and such age and never committed to anyone. Plus building together gets you to you goals faster than building separately.

        • Zil Nabu

          Agreed.

        • AlwaysPi7

          that can happen either way… starting earlier ain’t no guarantee.

          • miss t-lee

            Bingo.

          • Epsilonicus

            All the Millennials I know who have successful relationships, we all started building with someone early. The ones out in these dating streets are struggling.

            • Zil Nabu

              Exactly. I should have stuck with my college boyfriend.

              • Epsilonicus

                Most of the middle class people I know that are married, whether Millennial Gen X, or baby boomer married someone they met in their early 20s.

                • Zil Nabu

                  My friends are a mix. I will say that the ones who found their person in their late 20s to 30s had to put in a concerted effort to do so.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    I find that as you get older, your social circle gets less elastic. That makes dating tough. Drake was right. #NoNewFriends

                    • Gibbous

                      Also, as you get older, your willingness to put up with isht goes down. Hopefully because you know yourself well enough to know you aren’t interested in dealing. Overlook X? Nope!

                • Yep

                • Question

                  I wonder if this is geographic. All of my close friends in what-appears-to-be stable relationships building toward something got married in their early 30s (I’m from LA). Hubby on the hand – he was one of the last in his group of friends to get married (from Bmore, weren’t to school in Boston). What’s interesting is that most of his Boston friends who are married – they are past their just-out-of-undergrad careers and are well on their way to starting businesses. Getting married earlier meant they had kids earlier and bought Homes earlier, so now 10 years later they are more financially stable and are able to take some financial risks.

                  Whereas we just bought our first house and are working through that financial shock before we can start planning to take more risks. Granted some of that has to do with the price of entry in LA…

                  I’m all over the place… hahaha

                  • Epsilonicus

                    It is real though. I never had to have a roommate because I had my partner. So every place I lived as an adult was either by myself or her and I. Her and I are paying down student loans faster than we would have solo. We bought a house earlier than we would have solo. Having a partner (with whom you share a financial philosophy) is a huge help.

                    • Sheryl

                      Agreed. It is the equation by which most successful American families are built and destroyed. If both people can stay in the union, then they more likely have a better middle class life. Divorce or children out of wedlock can throw a monkey wrench in long term stability.

              • MsCee

                If I would have stuck with him one of us would be in prison. I would have said jail but we both went when we were together so that’s old news. Lmfao, way too toxic.

                • Zil Nabu

                  If I stayed with him he’d probably be asking me to let him hold something until he starts another job next week.

            • Monica Harris

              I agree, with both of y’all. I don’t think one way is better than the other

            • MsCee

              Message!

          • Wizznilliam

            Even worse… Starting early with the what turns out to be the WRONG person is extremely detrimental mentally and physically.

            • Epsilonicus

              No one is saying settle with someone but not looking is also a bad option. Closed mouths don’t get fed. If you waiting for success in love you not gonna find it.

              • Wizznilliam

                Yes. For sure you want to stay looking. I’m mostly just agreeing with the person who said wait until you are at a certain status or at least until you know a person inside and out before committing to one person. Otherwise the potential for unhappiness is great.

        • Question

          Women who wonder this stuff have more baggage than JFK.

          Your second point: truth. People ignore the fact that long term relationships are incredible wealth building tools… assuming you choose wisely…

        • DreamDeferred

          Amen!! *Drops a lil sumthin’ in collection plate that may or may not be chicken bones*

          • Epsilonicus

            My cousin is 43 and never married with a good solid career (he writes for financial investment magazines) and gets that all the time.

      • Kim

        I would encourage young people date seriously and connect with each other, I just want them to stop posting corny a$$ couple pictures on Instagram all day screaming goals. Although, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t I die of laughter every time they write soliloquies for their SO, only for it to end in deleted posts and bitter memes a few weeks later.

      • Me

        I just gave the complete opposite advice to my brother about my niece a couple weeks ago. Black folks need to get better at multi-tasking the different facets of our lives. Waiting to put every duck in a neat row is putting us behind the curve. And like I told my brother about his daughter, you gotta remember that once you leave school, you lose the largest pool of eligible potential mates that you will see who are in the same stage of life, whose path is as optimistic as yours, and who have just as much room as you to grow and shape the life you want. You may not have to get married in school, but your social network matters as much as your professional and academic network if your objective is to be successful in your professional AND personal life.

      • PinkRose

        One can find love while pursuing career/educational goals.

      • Looking4Treble

        Not until at LEAST their mid to late twenties.

      • Sheryl

        Some of these folks wait and are emotionally still like 20 year olds. Getting career and education doesn’t mean you can make wise emotional or sexual decisions.

    • esa

      the other day Kas said his age and added: “Keep living though.”
      ~ thas the best bit of advice i’ve heard in a good long time.

      • miss t-lee

        My late grandmother used to tell us that often. The older I get, the more I understand exactly.

    • THIS.

    • SororSalsa

      I sometimes would like to offer some advice to younger people that I know, but unfortunately, there’s no way to say that there are just some things that come with age and experience, because when I was their age, I might not listened either. That just sounds too ‘parent’ and grown folks to take in.

      • miss t-lee

        Very true. We all had to bump our heads a little bit.

  • AKA The Sauce

    This article made me feel old lol

    • theaythmonth

      How old are you? I feel like I should know already.

      • AKA The Sauce

        31

More Like This