Sh*t Bougie Black People Love

Bougie Ninja Best Practices

Picture this with an ascot. Then you got a bougie ninja.

Let’s be real here, the vast majority of us tow the line between being the pretentious bougie ninja we hate the most and the person two steps out of the projects still concerned with credibility. It’s why men fight in three-piece suits and women complain like hell about Basketball Wives and Single Ladies while keeping them DVR’d. We’re always keeping it real or just being entertained. For a large part of us, success is erroneously how other people perceive us. It’s no secret we tend to be statusticians.

We’re a confused bunch for the most part. And if confused is too strong a word, then denial is the closest term. It’s like most of us reading black ninjas are constantly in a fight for that whole double consciousness Black thing that W.E. was rappin’ ’bout back in the late 1800’s and further in the Souls of Black Folks. Basically, Black people have had image problems for a very, very long time.

However, given that we are a bunch of bougie ninjas, or aspiring considering one’s current station in life, I figured that I’d run down the list of what actually constitutues the current practices of the bougie ninja…best practices if you will. See, bougie ninjas like saying sh*t like best practices because it implies you’ve read a book. Nobody in the hood says “best practices” unless they’re on a team somewhere and you know, “that was one of the best practices we done had, boss…”

Tupac back.

By the way, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a bougie ninja unless you actively look down on other people. Life’s a lot easier when you stop being so judgemental about everybody else’s f*cksh*t and do you. Then again, can one really be a bougie ninja without being judgemental? Confruscious my ni*gga. Confruscious.

Let’s take a stab at this, shall wel.

1. You must know where NOT to go.

Bougie ninjas congregate in all types of places. Grassy knolls. Bookstores. Coffee stores. Home Depot garden centers. Basically, you can go anywhere and be bougie and live your life. What’s important is to know where bougie ninjas don’t go. Like clubbing in Maryland. Not because you won’t see other bougie ninjas, but because non-bougie ninjas don’t really f*ck with bougie ninjas like that. And if you show up at Jasper’s with an ascot, my ni**a,  folks are going to talk about you. I think women tend to do better at this than men, women STAY up on where not to go.

Hmm…has anybody noticed how liberal we are with male fashion choices? Honestly, ladies, I blame this all on you. I’ve seen men wearing some of the gayest attire out in public and catch no flack from any ladies. Skin-tight pink button ups with a vest, ascot, pocket square and those polyester not-quite-tennis-shoes-not-quite-dress shoes from Aldo with some skinny jeans. Somehow, someway, this became acceptable attire. I don’t know when stylish dudes decided that looking gay was the way to get women, but it seems to be the case. Perhaps this is a DC-ATL-NYC-LA problem but really, someone please call 911.

2. You have to be up on some sort of artistic expression be it art, esoteric music, or travel arts.

Yes, I said travel arts. And do you know why I said travel arts? Because some of you ninjas treat your travels like its the gateway to painting oneself as a well-learned person. And while I do believe that experiencing new things helps to make you a fuller person, I definitely know some bougie ninja women who travel just so that they can tell other people that they travel so that they seem otherworldly to other folks who think a stamped passport makes you cultured. Bougie ninjas like art. I’m not sure why, but this is fact. I remember a long time ago this cat trying to sing to me the praises of Cody Chestnut’s Headphone Masterpiece. It’s mixed like hot garbage. On purpose. And somehow this made it artsy and I just wasn’t up on that hot sh*t because I didn’t f*ck with Cody’s album. Still don’t. But being the music snob that I am, I understood his plight. It also helps if you actually know what things like impressionism mean. I don’t. But my art knowledge is largely based on vinyl album covers. This right there? Is art.

3. You really do have to pretend to hate current popular Black culture and only have love for all things 90s

Rick Ross is the exception. Somehow, all bougie ninjas can get down with Rick Ross. Could be because he keeps making dope music. Maybe it’s his titties. I don’t know. The interesting thing about this one is that in order to hate it you have to engage in it. Which means that we have to listen to it all to hate it, which we do with enthusiasm. I know I do.

4. BET is the ruining the community.

You just have to say this a few times a week or whenever somebody says BET. And you can use any BET awards as your only reference point. It’s like an exemption to play in the Master’s.

5. It is vital to appreciate natural hair.

Odd, I know. But there is a huge undercurrent of women going natural and it has to be loved and appreciated en masse. Now I personally love natural hair. En masse. See what I did there?

6. You must be willing to overspend on food.

Real spit, I HATE boutique eateries. If your menu only has 8 items and all of them cost $20 per plate, I cannot f*ck with you. But if I want to see other bougie ninjas, that’s what I have to do. Well, if I want to see bougie women. A group of bougie ninjas will hit up TGIFridays in a minute. Of course, this one is more prone to be likely in major cities as well.

I think I’ll stop there for now. These are a few of the best practices of the bougie ninja.

VSBNation, what else you got?

VSBougie P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. ASCOT TO MATCH MY SOCKS WHATS IN MY SPEAKERBOXX? PINK AND BLUE. aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

Previously

Man Up?

  • filthy.

    You must go to brunch at least once a month if not every weekend.

  • http://twitter.com/thenaimacyde Naima

    This seems to describe Black Yuppies pretty well. I try to fight these pretentious urges. I’m trying to bring humility back and sh*t.

    Some people take number 5 way too seriously. *whistles*

  • Phuture PharmD

    And have a vast knowledge of wines…..and shop at Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s at least twice a month.

  • Mo-VSS

    No no no…women do not like men in skinny jeans, tight baby tees and sneakers. We don’t. I know y’all wanna blame us for the male fashion choices but unless you live in Cali, that attire is not acceptable (I see women with men who wear those clothes here (none of them black women) so I say it works somewhere)

    And other things that toe the line:

    1. Erykah Badu…I love her and am willing to defend her with the 3 or 4 kids by maybe as many fathers. I’ll say she’s “earthy” and “unafraid” instead of ratchet and ignorant.

    However, Lauryn Hill, even with all the kids by the same dude, I just can’t defend. LOL, hilarious I know.

    2. Knowing at least one blog to be up on and comment/lurk on frequently. I feel like you ain’t sh*t if you don’t know at least one black blog that’s not necolebitchie (no hate) or the ybf (some hate). Like you aren’t even educated unless you peruse at least one of them. I know that’s not the case, I’m just saying.

    I can’t think of any more but I’m sure others will :D

  • SayItAn’tSo

    You are not enjoying the lounge if you don’t get bottle service…50 dollar moscato is soo much better than the 9 dollar bottle in target!

  • keisha brown

    you must completely ignore this post to wish the one and only (and original) Queen (cuz she’s a Leo) Bee of VSB (Cheekie if yall aint guess) a very very very happy birthday!!!!!

    *pauses on the making it rain in cdn currency til thursday…

    but..um.. about the post..
    i dont consider myself bougie, but know myself. i grew up in bougie. my entire wardrobe in HS was Gap and Nike. i was accused by black people for not being black enough. i hold potlucks. i still dont know how to dougie.

    um…that’s all i got for now!!

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    Brooklyn :(

  • difficultisnotimpossible

    Loved this this list, especially #3. Well done. “Maybe it’s his titties” LOL

  • Queen Elizabeth

    photography. for some reason bougie ninjas, maybe all ninjas are really into photography. thats all i got right now

  • iNeedANewVSBName

    Can’t patronize Walmart

    Must be vegan, vegetarian, toying with idea or at least know the difference between the two. (No, I won’t just eat around the bacon in the string beans… -___-)

    Must have at least 2 degrees

    Must have read “Our Kind Of People”

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