Sh*t Bougie Black People Love

Bougie Black Pick-Up Lines

"You've been Black Girl Running in my mind all night long."

“You’ve been Black Girl Running in my mind all night long.”

Today is Valentine’s Day, a day which likely means one of six things to you:

1. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Absolutely nothing.

3. Absolutely nothing, but since you have a girlfriend/wife who’s all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! about it, you pretend enough for one exclamation point.

4. Subdued happiness. Maybe Valentine’s Day isn’t your favorite day, but it’s cool. And it’s the one day you get to wear red pants without people thinking you’re Dominican.

5. Anxiety. You’re in a new situationship, and what happens today will determine the health and direction of it.

6. Sadness. Long, lonely, lecherous, getting to the McDonald’s drive-thru a minute after they’ve stopped serving Egg McMuffins, type sadness.

If you’re one of the first four, today’s post isn’t for you.

If you’re #5, let me give you some unsolicited advice. You know what day comes after Valentine’s Day? Saturday. Which, like Valentine’s Day, is just another day. Repeat after me: Just another day.

If you’re number #6, listen up. I don’t believe in pep talks. Shit, some days I don’t even believe in talking. I do believe in practical advice, though. And since you’re not currently in a relationship, I’m going to help you find one. Well, maybe you won’t find one.

But (piggybacking off #activistpickuplines), if you happen to be out today, and you see someone you’re interested in, and you suspect this someone is a Bougie Black Person, here are a few things you can say that’ll help your luck.

1. “Let me stamp that passport.”

2. “Did you get those jeans from Target? Cause there’s a bullseye on dat ass.”

3. “Do you like Thai food?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Cause I’m gonna Thai dat ass up.”

4. “Damn, girl. I’d like to Jack your Jill.”

5. “The only Foreign Exchange we’ll need is my ass on your face.”

6. “The gallery crawl in my pants is free all night long.”

7. “You know what NSBE stands for, right?”

“What?”

“N*ggas Sexin Bitches’ Ears.”

8. “I bet you love leaving big tips, don’t you?”

9. “Eight inches is the only number I’m trying to keep down.”

10. “It’s a Different World from where I come from. And in my bedroom.”

11. “I know you’re natural, girl, but come here and lemme relax you.”

12. “I’m gonna displace those panties. Call me the gentrifier.”

13.”The only gladiator I know is being glad I ate her.”

14. “Why don’t you and your friend come over, and we can have an all-night Groupon.”

15. “Is that a gluten-free lettuce wrap in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

16. “You remind me of my Naked Juice. Cause I want to substitute you for a meal.”

Did I forget any?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • nillalatte

    “If you’re one of the first four, today’s post isn’t for you.”
    Are you seriously trying to make it a no comment day? LOL The post is fine. I read about St. Valentine a LONG time ago and find it quite interesting what the event has become. Anyway… who wants to be my Valentine? It’s only for one day! :P

    • The Champ

      i’m sure you’ll find a suitor by noon. maybe earlier if you post pics

      • Sahel

        Nude pics that is

        • JayIzUrGod

          More effort is required. She’s going to have to hump a few household products.

          • nillalatte

            I was going to say that sounds nasty, but I think I would be rather clean afterwards. lol

            • JayIzUrGod

              See, a little extra thought showed you approved of your freaky side

    • Sahel

      A homie of mine used Tinder to get a valentine shag,it worked

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        *Fabolous voice* NICE!

        • Sahel

          That app is crazy man. Am going to try it in hopes i get lined up with AP

      • nillalatte

        A shag? BOL… Valentine’s is for true love. ;)

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      So basically…

  • Msdebbs

    #2 and I’m happy about it…..those pick up lines though???

    • The Champ

      you should try a couple out today

      • Msdebbs

        I would but they seem to be directed at women

        • Sahel

          It’s ok,just try them out. Am sure they won’t mind

          • Msdebbs

            Yeah no I like a branch on my tree thanks!

            • Sahel

              Plays Kid Ink’s Show me while winking at Msdebbs

  • MALynn

    So no pick up lines or witty comebacks for the ladies? How am I supposed to move up the ladder?
    P.S: #8 is my favorite!

    • The Champ

      2, 5, 8, and 9 are definitely pick up lines for women

    • Sahel

      By having a nice firm grip,thats how you would move up my ladder

      • MALynn

        Mental firm grip right? That’s why I need pick up lines!

        • Sahel

          Yup,its all head games in the end

          • MALynn

            Good thing I went to college (insert T.I. song here)

    • Hollywood Cole

      This doesn’t go both ways. He can’t have pick up lines for bougie men because bougie is not a quality the dating market values when found in men. Bougie + Male = Diva Dude. You want pick up lines for bougie men?

      – I couldn’t help but notice the wild passion orange Nivea lip gloss in your satchel, mine is champagne. Care to make a Mimosa?
      – Were you in my crossfit class?
      – I’m drinking skinny girl vodka and I had skinny pop popcorn for lunch, so when I saw you jeans and your tie I knew it was fate.
      – What do you think of the new beyonce album?
      – I live next door to a gluten free manicure salon.
      – Either that’s the travel size tube of burt’s bees hand lotion or you like what you see. Oh it’s the lotion?.. I like your indoor scarf.
      – Wow, I can’t even see your underwear line.

      • MALynn

        Don’t think I could keep a straight face ???????????????????????????? @ travel size Burt’s bees hand lotion

      • afronica

        Do you see Dive Dudes winning on these dating streets?

        • Hollywood Cole

          Na, that’s what I said in my second sentence.

          • afronica

            Sorry!

  • http://vagabondaesthetics.tumblr.com/ Ricky

    I need to date a bougie Black girl to see what all the hype is about. Could probably do a bunch a cheap dates at museums.

    • The Champ

      don’t forget the gallery crawls

    • h.h.h.

      i heard they like brunches with the mini mosas stuff.

      • http://vagabondaesthetics.tumblr.com/ Ricky

        I too have been fed this intel.

      • MALynn

        Not mini…. Bottomless mimosas is the term you’re looking for.

        • h.h.h.

          ahh i see, i wouldn’t have known *writes updated intel in trusty moleskine* #Respeck

        • Keisha

          LOL…true! :-)

          • MALynn

            The day I discovered those…my life has never been the same.

        • She Who Reads

          I think I’d prefer mini mosas to bottomless ones. I don’t dig mimosas.

          • SuperStrings

            Depends on the quality of the champagne for me.

            • She Who Reads

              There’s a drink called a persephone that uses pomegranate juice and sparkling wine, and that one is on point. Maybe I haven’t had the right champagne, but right now, I’d prefer my OJ straight.

      • JayIzUrGod

        Screw mimosas.
        Morning margaritas instead.

        • Joanna

          Yes.

          • JayIzUrGod

            *raises glass*

            Cheers to tequila in the morning

            • SuperStrings

              *holds up Don Julio*
              Here here!

              • JayIzUrGod

                *Denzel voice*
                My man

        • She Who Reads

          #TeamMorningMargaritas

    • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

      It’s overrated. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. :) Then again, I don’t fit the bougie Black girl swag, so it’s whatever…

      • Epsilonicus

        Same here. The bougie ones never showed any loved and the hood ones did. Hmmm.

      • ratchet d-Ibaka

        What’s the bougie black girl swag? White boy with unkempt locks, old dirty Tom’s shoes and an Ivy League degree?

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      And shopping at farmers markets, hanging out at barnes n noble

      • Sahel

        Kale and sandals for the win

        • She Who Reads

          And shea butter and black soap.

          • MALynn

            That black soap stains my tub way too much!

            • She Who Reads

              Giiiiirrrrrlllllllllll-aaaa, I know! I stopped using black soap, Nubian Heritage’s chocolate soap, and Nubian Heritage’s carrot pomegranate one for that very reason. Like, my tub was alternating between brown, black, and orange. That is NOT sexy. So I started using Nubian Heritage’s coconut papaya soap, the olive oil, and the lemongrass one (even though it smells like Froot Loops), but all of those are lightly colored.

      • She Who Reads

        Listen, take me to the farmers’ market, and I’ll love you. Take me to an independent book/coffee shop (something like Busboys and Poets in DC), and I’ll propose to you myself.

        • Andrea

          If someone I just met offered to take me to Busboys and Poets I’d look at them like they just moved here from Alaska. I feel like Busboys is on the level of McDonalds. In the sense I have eaten there 100 million times.

          • She Who Reads

            Except, for me, Busboys is nothing like McDonald’s. Busboys has books, vegan options, books, vegan desserts, and books. McDonald’s has none of the above. Also, since you’ve been there a million times, you already know what you want. That’s a plus.

            • Andrea

              I used to live next door. So I guess I take it for granted.

              • She Who Reads

                That sounds like heaven!!!! I wanted, so badly, to afford the Langston Lofts over Busboys on 14th. I heard they were a cool half-million, though.

                But doesn’t the ambiance (and the spoken word and the author-appearances) make you want to just live in there?

                • Andrea

                  Yeah its definitely a super cool spot!!!!

        • Lisa

          Agreed!

    • SuperStrings

      Don’t get your hopes up.

  • Geoabouttown1

    “You remind me of my morning coffee – “Sweet Strong & Black ” “Confirm for me over dinner that you are sweet and habit forming with a cocoa kind of flow”. “And once I’ve autographed your wishes, I promise I’ll sign your heart.”

  • Sahel

    A classic pick up line from Blackadder..I only smoke cigarettes after a shag,so back home am a 20 packs a day man.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

    I guess I’m number 4 sans red pants, colorblocking is for light skinned brothers

    • Sigma_Since 93

      What about salmon colored pants???

  • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

    This Valentine’s Day is weird. It’s the first in 8 years that I’m a single man. Ah well…more cash for my daughter. :) I am thinking back to the various Valentine’s Days and wondering what the fuss is about. Yeah, I get that it’s fun to show out. Plus, thanks to the luck of timing, Valentine’s Day, my soon-to-be-ex-wife’s birthday and our anniversary are about roughly evenly spaced out throughout the year, so I didn’t have to rush for ideas.

    All I will say is that I’m glad I’m older now. When you’re under 25, V-Day puts a hurting on your pockets. Plus how many young dudes have the sophistication to do something nice for cheap? Sigh…what a mess!

    • Sahel

      Was it the dudes ? Because i remember women asking for over the top gifts. When the post up past 25 they chill out because the realities over life have blunted that entrepreneurship nature..the gesture of affection starts to mean more

  • Geneva Girl

    #4 is just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. There are other islands in the Caribbean and many countries in Africa that are worse offenders.

    #5 sadly true. Boyfriend hadn’t been attentive from Xmas through mid-Feb and my best friend emailed him to tell him to step up for V Day or he’d be toast. (I learned this all later.) He sent flowers, etc. and all was forgotten.

    #6 I HATE when that happens. I oversleep and get a taste for an egg biscuit. I hop in the car, PJs under my coat, roll through the drive through to be told breakfast is over and do I want a hamburger? Nooooo!!!! A burger is not substitute for an egg and cheese biscuit. Those two don’t equate! If diners can serve breakfast all day long why can’t McD’s?

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

    One of the Bougie Black Pick-Up Lines I’ve ever heard was also one of the worst pick-up lines…and probably one of the most offensive, hands down. A dude I worked with tried to go after this rather short Latina girl.

    What he said to her was chuckle inducing- at least to me, LOL! I’m trying to get in a short nap at work and he broke me out of it by trying to have game. She shot him down instantly for saying this (and keep in mind that this is a Latina):

    “Do you like restaurants? Let me take you out to one. We’ll go to a Mexican one- I’ll buy you all the tacos and burritos that you want”.

    *record scratch*

    Needless to say, his pick up line backfired…and she gave him the Prince stare!

    http://blogs.ocweekly.com/heardmentality/prince%21%21%21.jpg