Theory & Essay

blast from the past: her two cents, revisited

***admin note***

because of a technical difficulty (read: “really, you don’t wanna know. trust me”) last night, the champ is re-posting an entry from may, with a few ridiculous edits.

***end of admin note***

forget everything else you’ve heard.

disregard every other theory you’ve read.

ignore anything you’ve heard from any other relationship pundit.

fellas, you need to know that it’s all about money.

that’s it.

it’s not about sex, or, more specifically, which sexual acts she’s willing to do for you. she swallowed? so what. get in line. take a number. you doo-scooped her in one of the men’s dressing rooms at the banana republic? sh-t, so did clinton portis and sting in 2002. get over yourself.

it’s not about time either. women will spend time with a guy they have no intentions on ever doing anything remotely physical with, sans the hunchback hug (the teasingly platonic hug where women hunch their backs forward and stick their behind out, insuring there won’t be any type of crotch-area contact) at the end of the night when you drop her off at her f-buddy’s efficiency at her apartment.

she let you meet her girlfriends? who cares. she just wanted to prove to them that she found someone worse in spades than gem and ivy she is. plus, 45 percent of them aren’t going to be around this time next week year anyway.

she let you meet her family? so what. she’s just tired of hearing the “when are you getting married?” chorus at every family outing, and figures that being seen with your delusional ass might buy her a good 6 months of question quelling.

you’re on her top 4 on myspace? great. so is ringo starr. and tom.

she told you she loved you? love schmove. when she said it she was probably under the influence of dgp (”damn good pipe”), and that “confession” definitely ain’t admissible in any court. if you remember, that night she also called you “bucketman” repeatedly, even though your name is nate.

no, their only true tell, the one sign that’ll make you absolutely certain that a woman is definitely, without any questions, into you is if she’s willing to give you money.

not borrow. not loan. give. give, with absolutely no plans to ever get it back. this is the ultimate test…the relationship wonderlic exam. if she’s willing, she adores you…if she’s not, she doesn’t. it’s that simple

you could even make the argument that (***editors note***. the champ isn’t making this argument, just stating that the argument can be made. carry on) money is a woman’s most valuable possession which is why they’re usually terrible tippers. i’m not implying that all women are bronze excavators (”gold-diggers” is a bit too cliched for my taste), but let’s just say that, for reasons that have to do with biology and centuries of socialization, it’s much, much, much easier to separate a man interested in a woman from miscellaneous cash than vice versa, and for her to be willing to actually do this for a guy she’s seeing is the most concrete proof on the planet that she is invested in him.

you don’t believe me?

okay. tomorrow, ask a woman how many people she’s had any type of sexual relationship with. (***editors note***. don’t do this, unless you plan on getting smack repeatedly. wait, on second thought, do this and report the results)

then, ask her how many of those guys she would have given 500 dollars to if they needed it. i’d bet my obama sponsored reparations check that at least 70 percent of the time, those numbers won’t even be close to matching up.

let’s break it down again:

you met her stepmom? so what. she hates her stepmom, and she just brought you around because she knows she’ll be allergic to your cologne. she’s actually secretly hoping that it kills her

she let you make a tape? hmmm…obviously you haven’t checked the homegrown thread at bgol the contents of that shoebox underneath her bed. you’re just this month’s co-star.

your checking account is a bit short this month because you had to help pay for your aunt’s funeral, and your girl gave you $550 to help out with your mortgage? she’s already picked the names of your first three grandchildren.

so, people of vsb.com, i know i’m right, but, for the sake of discussion, i need to ask am i right…or am i right?

—the champ

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    Luvvie. . .what’s in that shoebox?

    • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

      @kamakula,

      You sposed to be winning back my love and affection and you askin bout shoeboxes…

      • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

        @Luvvie,

        I’m sorry Luvvie, if it helps, all I can listen to for the past hour is Staind – it’s been a while. . .

  • RedBeanzNRice

    So are you right or are you right? Hell to the naw – you’re WRONG. I’ve strongly liked many a dude, hell I’ve even loved them, so much so that we were engaged; but yet I would never, and will never GIVE (he can always borrow) $500 to my S.O. no matter how much I love him.*

    Money has no ties to love, bottom line.

    *A husband is not included in that statement – that’s a horse of another color.

    • Coco

      @RedBeanzNRice,

      “*A husband is not included in that statement – that’s a horse of another color.”

      Once you’re married, I think the saying goes “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine”…right?? LOL…

      • miss t-lee

        @Coco,

        “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine”…right??

        my name is miss t-lee and I approve this message.

      • http://singlesistersspeakout.wordpress.com Jac

        @Coco,

        I approve this message as well.

    • I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple

      @RedBeanzNRice, if you’re not married, his point has been proved lol

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,

        lol…basically. having red beanz around to prove my theories is the gift that keeps on giving and sh*t

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @I’m from the “Peyso”nic Temple,
        @The Champ

        Hush, lol.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @RedBeanzNRice,

      I would never, and will never GIVE (he can always borrow) $500 to my S.O. no matter how much I love him.*

      this tells me one of two things

      1. you value your money more than your body

      2. you’ve never actually been in love

      i’m leaning towards the latter

      • http://singlesistersspeakout.wordpress.com Jac

        @The Champ,

        I can see what you’re saying.

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @The Champ,

        “this tells me one of two things
        1. you value your money more than your body
        2. you’ve never actually been in love
        i’m leaning towards the latter”

        So, because I will allow a man to borrow money from me instead of freely giving it, you say I value my body more than my money? That’s not true.
        Since I worked hard for the money, I want it back – that’s all.

        And yes, I have been in love, so don’t lean toward the latter, lol.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @RedBeanzNRice,

          i just find it odd that you would give p*ssy and love to someone who you wouldnt, under any circumstances, give 70 bucks to, thats all

          • RedBeanzNRice

            @The Champ,

            Because he’s giving d*ck; so the feeling is mutual. That’s all.

            • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com/ Deviant

              @RedBeanzNRice,
              Not exactly. Women and men look at boning differently so its not an even tradeoff. Your snatch shoudl mean mroe to you than seventy bucks or any amount of cash.

              • RedBeanzNRice

                @Deviant,
                If I’m in a committed relationship with the man in question, then yeah – it’s equal, and that’s what I’m talkin bout. P*ssy for d*ck. I don’t go throwing the P around all will nilly. No sir!

          • ladyb

            @The Champ, why must the p*ssy be “given up”, like women don’t get a nice “return on their investment”? if i give you money, that’s just it. if I f* you, chances are you’re f*ing me back – and we’re both having a jolly ole time…

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

            @The Champ,

            Oh goodness, not the p-word! *Choking*

  • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

    I’m going to agree with this one. And I’m going to back it up with the fact that I’m now objectifying men as if they are nothings because the one person who I did give money to (his account was in the negative, and I dropped him a $50) left me because of some stupid bullsh…bovine excrement.

    So along with my “Men ain’t sh*t” philosophy, I’m also on the “spend all my money on food and pretty stuff for me” because I seem to be the only person who wants to treat me good don’t trust dating men. I’ll be your friend, your f-buddy, your partner in spades and caking, but I WILL NOT marry/date/be your babymama. Out of the effing question.

    Yes, I’m done ranting.

    • RedBeanzNRice

      @chaoticdiva,

      Hmm. You sound bitter, lol. Is everything ok, dumpling?

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @RedBeanzNRice, no. I went out on a date Saturday with this guy that I liked (he’s mixed black and white…) AND HE LEFT ME FOR A [trashy] WHITE GIRL [who has slept with half of Michigan State’s campus in the last year] IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DATE.

        Mind you, he asked me out, picked me up, offered to feed me, etc. I was appalled, and ended up drinking a whole lot. At least I know I can handle drinking 3/4’s a fifth and still be good in the morning. But yea, that is the second time this year I’ve been ditched in the middle of a date like I’m nothing.

        So yea, I’m bitter, and I’m really not willing to trust another guy. How bad is that? I so don’t want to go there, but dang, guys are seriously proving themselves to be crappy excuses for humans.

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          @chaoticdiva,

          Um… this calls for a kick in the nuts with Steel toe boots. And a running start. From Pele.

          • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

            @Luvvie,

            Um, after taking half a bottle of Vodka to the head after seeing that sh*t, I was about to…and then I got picked up and taken to sit down and be calmed by surrounding females. However, I will say that the girls (who I didn’t even know), said something to him, told him to leave, and gave me a ride back home.

            • RedBeanzNRice

              @chaoticdiva,

              Wow @ half a bottle of the V to the head. (I’m ditzy after 2 vodka cranberries) so Girl, save your brain cells, PLEASE. No man is worth self-destructing – hell, NO ONE is worth self-destructing over, and you need to get a grip on yourself. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.

              You know what type of man would suit you best? The kind that has your shared interests and goals in life.

              Not the fine dude that hits on you at random; not the sexy-lipped brotha that all the girls clamor over; not the Morris Chestnut look-a-like; and not the dude that has the bank account that Jim Jones hopes for.

              In short, I’m sayin – stop settling for the okey-doke and taking it out on yourself in the process. Take the initiative to weed out the men you’re dating. If you can’t find any commonalities between you, then sum it up to just a date and move on. I mean after all, it’s YOUR life you’re dealing with, not his, right?

              • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

                @RedBeanzNRice,

                …sad thing was this was a commonality person.

                Ok, so I may be lying a bit with him. I liked that he was a nice guy. Or so I thought.

                As for the last b/f…we had so many shared interests. I was calling it the perfect relationship, but he kind of f*cked that one up himself.

                You know that b.s. about there’s the “perfect” someone for everybody…well, its b.s.

            • RedBeanzNRice

              @chaoticdiva,

              “You know that b.s. about there’s the “perfect” someone for everybody…well, its b.s.”

              Actually, it’s not BS. There’s no such thing as a perfect person, but there is someone that’s “perfect” for you. By perfect, I mean your personalities, habits and goals, etc. compliment one another, so in essence that’s the perfect match for you.

              You’re bitter because of the bad dates/semi-relationships you’ve encountered, but you gotta let that go. My solemn advice (and I can’t be any plainer) is to relax, and don’t LOOK for love. Go on dates, yes, but don’t have any relationship expectations. Get a feel for the person through conversation and interactions; if you have a lot in common, take it slow and see if it goes somewhere.

              If you don’t have anything in common, TAKE A LEFT at the nearest intersection, and continue on with your life.

              Truth be told, love is elusive. If you look for it, you won’t find it; you have to let it come to you.

        • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

          @chaoticdiva, if this is to painful I understand but did he tell you he was jetting for the trashy white chick….I mean what did he actually say?

          • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

            @Shay-d-lady,

            Um, he said nothing. He just made out with her dead in front of me while palming her *ss. Sounds like being ditched to me.

            • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

              @chaoticdiva, wait a minute she was there? where the he.ll where you guys at..aww man!! I am glad your not in jail for assault……it woud have been justified but still

              • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

                @Shay-d-lady,

                We were at some house party…hey people were watching the fight…

                But yea…I don’t think the girl knew (or cared). As for him though, he almost had my foot up his *ss. I would have needed new trainers.

                Did I mention they had to remove the bottle of liquor from my hand because I was sipping and trying to swing?

                I would be embarrassed of my actions (screaming get the f*ck out of my face at him, telling everybody at the party how much of a dog he was, drinking excessively), but in this case, it was warranted.

                …and they can never figure out what they did wrong.

            • YGB

              @chaoticdiva,

              What????? That is just so low class. Did you at least manage to punch him at least once?

              • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

                @YGB,

                I wish I wouldn’t have had as much restraint as I did.

        • overit

          @chaoticdiva, first off air hug! You don’t deserve that mess, nobody does.

          Second….write PBG’s advice column! She gives amazing advice:) Trust a VSS…

          askthepbg@gmail.com

          • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

            @overit,

            Yeah PBG is a wise lil somebody (tiny fists and all).

            • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

              @Luvvie,

              …ok, so if I were to ask, what would I ask advice on? How to find a good man? Doesn’t that make me come off as desperate? I’m not desperate…I’m ok being single.

              *gulps*

            • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

              @Luvvie,

              her column packs a powerful punch, don’t let the small fists fool ya….

            • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

              hey whats the name of pbg’s blog site?

              • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

                @Shay-d-lady,

                *singing like Allison Williams*
                “Just click my naaaame, and it will pop uuuup”

          • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

            @overit,
            Thanks…

            I would, but I honestly don’t need the advice. I need to just focus on getting the h*ll out of college and ignoring stupidity. Thank goodness for adoption. I’m ok sparing my vagina from childbirth to the spawn of a potential Satan.

            Did I mention that I just watched my parent’s marriage of 24 years dissolve because of trashy ho’s and infidelity?

            …yea, I had a rough year. Better believe I will be hung over the first day of next year from the amount of alcohol I will be consuming new years…

            • SouthernGirl

              @chaoticdiva,

              *hugs* Don’t OD on the liquor my e-friend. I’m sorry this year has been so rough for you but trust me you will get through it. the point is to go THROUGH and come out better on the other side. Don’t get stuck.

              pray. lean on the people that love you. vent on vsb. i don’t know all the details of your situation but we all have a story to tell and mine is littered with potholes and pain as well. it doesn’t seem like it now but you will get through this. i believe that for you, even if you don’t right now.

              *more hugs*

        • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

          @chaoticdiva,

          “I went out on a date Saturday with this guy that I liked (he’s mixed black and white…) AND HE LEFT ME FOR A [trashy] WHITE GIRL”

          Now that’s a tragic mulatto. Eff what ya heard! I HATE HIM!! Grrrr!

          Anyway, your advice would have NOTHING to do with finding a good man. Nothing. I prefer to deal w/root issues. But only if you ask. In the meantime, I’m going to send up a glittery Jesus email for you and your soul, my young sister. That is some hard shyt to deal with.

          • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

            @PBG,

            Thank you. Jesus is the only man I truly love. Well, him and my daddy, for the most part.

            • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

              @chaoticdiva,

              Oh my love! How did you become so jaded so young? I’m the designated VSB Cat Lady, on the porch w/my feline friends, snapping beans and listening to my record albums on the Victrola! Girl, we are going to talk, search me on the intrawebs site, facebook: cashawnt125@msn.com.

              • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

                @PBG,

                http://drunkenstupidlove.wordpress.com

                Some of my stories are there. I will be posting more. I usually give them a bit of a waiting period to quell some of the anger to make for a clearer story.

              • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

                @chaoticdiva,

                Your blog name and your screen name. Ummm…I am disturbed. Why are you speaking all this negativity into your life, HunnyBunny? Your utterances have the potential to morph into your reality!! I had a whole 20 minute break from reality this morning JUST BECAUSE of an off-handed remark I made to my Mother. Scared the beans outta me, too.

              • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

                @PBG,

                Chaoticdiva is just a combination of an old screenname and my nickname. But the chaotic bit comes from the fact that I have some seriously crazy stories that I seem to get involved in unintentionally. I really hate drama, and I keep to myself often enough to try to quell all the issues.

                The Diva comes from my love for shoes. And the “Drunken Stupid Love” title comes from the feeling that you get after you’ve fallen for someone that makes you feel like you were stupidly deciding you were in love as if you had been drinking (yes, I do profess to everybody that I love them when I’m drunk…unless they pulled that bit like this last guy did).

                But yea, I’m really not that disturbed. I think I’m quite nice (unless incited).

        • charli skipper

          @chaoticdiva,

          wait. i’m not even done with the story, but wait. he left you in the middle of the date!? for a white girl! wait. i don’t even care that it was a white girl (yes i do). wait.

          oh hell naw. i’m sorry, i just can’t stop blinking. I’m trying to get the “oh, hell no” look off my face.

          • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

            @charli skipper,

            Yes. F*cking yes. We have a mutual friend, who I met him through, who was even like “wtf” when I told him what happened.

            And for those of you who are wondering, my mutual guy friend was appalled at his behavior and didn’t expect him to act like that, especially b/c he’s kind of overprotective of me talking to his evil whore male friends.

        • charli skipper

          @chaoticdiva, okay, i’ve removed the “hell no” look from my face, and i just wanted to say that this shouldn’t stop you from dating. it’s totally understandable that you have no interest in it for awhile. but all men aren’t like that, and you don’t want to miss something wonderful (even if that something is just the free meal. hell, get the lobster, girl!) because of a loser. um…you may want to move to a different town though, bc there is clearly some ignorant sh*t happening with the batch of young men in your area.

          • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

            @charli skipper,

            Its the whole effing state. I’m tempted to say the midwest in general, and I have examples to cite.

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        AND…don’t get me started on the other 10 losers of the year.

        • RedBeanzNRice

          @chaoticdiva,

          Firstly – sorry that’s been happening to you.

          Secondly, the mixed guy you mentioned prolly left you mid-date for the trashy hooker cause he figured he could get some that night. Dudes typically offer to buy your food/drinks/movie tickets/admission to clubs, etc. in the hopes that they will get some from you after the date. So, since the date was going kinda slow, and he spotted an easy target to get his rocks off, he bailed. (Just my theory)

          And lastly, if that’s happened to you more than once, and you have 10 other guys that you’ve dated who have acted a fool, chances are you’re pickin the wrong dudes. Switch up your taste in men. : )

          • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

            @RedBeanzNRice,

            I’ve tried. And I don’t know how I’m picking the wrong ones. Best left to the pros I guess.

            But I knew my love life was a bust after several incidents:
            1. this old man at Sam’s Club was trying to hook me up with random customers walking by my booth (I was the Axe girl…long story)
            2. My friend’s cousin told me that I needed to go to some dating seminar to make myself eligible for dating.
            3. Plots from Liz Lemon’s love life seem to be making fun of my life.

            *Sigh*…I don’t even have anything else to say.

            • overit

              @chaoticdiva, do you think there is something you are or aren’t doing to bring these situations into your lifespace?

              • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

                @overit,

                1. I work at Victoria’s Secret. Guys already have some kind of impression of me from that.

                2. I get occasional work as a model, in which even if I didn’t publicize the fact, I have photographers/make up artists/ designers/ etc that I’ve worked with that like to post the photos then tag me in them.

                3. I’m a relatively nice person. I’m non-judgmental when first meeting people and I try to get along with everybody.

                4. I’m outgoing/talkative around people I know. If I don’t know anybody there, chances are I’m not saying sh*t. The only exception to this is me being drunk. Alcohol = liquid courage.

                5. I often act as if nothing bothers me emotionally. I do this with the “diva” attitude that most people who I don’t speak with normally assume is my personality.

                With that being said, I can see plenty of opportunities for drama. However, when it comes to guy drama, my issue is the fact that I try to see good in guys who have ulterior motives. That and I may have standards that may not relate to how they treat other people.

                Look, I can tell you that my upbringing gave me little social sense, so I truly suck at people to people stuff. I’m pretty much good at making friends, but I suck at keeping them. I guess the people that stick around the longest actually get me somewhat.

                I’m not complicated, I’m just a bit confused. Hope that helps you understand me better.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @chaoticdiva,

              first, i hafta give you props for the subtle shout-out to “30 rock”

              secondly, my advice to you: stop dating.

              your comments (the self-depreciating, the alcohol abuse, the drama at home) suggest that you have some serious issues you need to work through before you even entertain the idea of being involved with someone. focus on school and modeling and whatever else you’re doing…but leave relationships the f*ck alone right now.

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @The Champ,

                **Diva Dust ™** for Champ!

                this display of wisdom is… loverly…

              • miss t-lee

                @The Champ,
                This is good advice.

              • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

                @The Champ,

                Um, I thought that’s what I was doing.

                …I may have been expecting for other needs to have been met.

                …Ok, I was expecting for other needs to be met.

                Sheesh. Again, the date was his idea…I only agreed because we were watching the fight.

                Still pissed me off that he thought this ugly trashy white wh*re was better than me. I think that’s where I’m having the biggest problem.

                But yea. 30 Rock is my sh*t.

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @chaotic,

                Dearest, do you mind if I get in yo a$$ for a second. Trust me when I say it comes from a place of deep sisterly affection and concern for your well being. The Champ is right. Leave dating (even casual dating) ALONE. You have GOT to focus on you right now. Do YOUR thing. Finish school. Get your career of choice off the ground. Continue to be fly. Turn your thoughts and energies toward developing your spiritual self.

                This is coming from someone who has been exactly where you are. H3ll, I have a Relationship Crypt. Eff a closet. A closet ain’t big enough to hold all of the death and destruction I was bringing upon myself be dealing with less than worthy people. I mean, it got UGLY. I can only candidly and jokingly talk about it now, because it is my testimony to what focusing on inner reflection and the development of yourself can do.
                Leave these bammas alone. I mean RUN like your life depends on it. Because it DOES. There is something in your lifespace that is telling these dipsh*ts its okay to be around your fabulous self. I could probably speculate, but I won’t.
                Your job is to figure out what it is and eradicate it post haste. It won’t get no better until its dealt with.

                Along this path to self discovery, you will inevitably figure out EXACTLY what it is you want from relationships and what you are able to give. This includes friendships. Once this is revealed, accept nothing less from peope who want to be around you and give nothing but the best you have to offer.

              • SouthernGirl

                @bbmo, champ

                *gold stars*

                @chaoticdiva,

                i wrote to you a bit upthread before i got to this but this sounds like a good idea to me. you’re really on my mind right now and i don’t even know you but i hate to hear you, or any woman for that matter, sound like this.

                take some quiet time with yourself and brown baby jesus and figure out who you are, what you want and what lessons you can take from all of the things you have been through. when we don’t take the time to reflect and understand the lesson, we continue to do the same things. people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. when you understand yourself and your worth , you won’t allow people to come into your space and treat you any ol’ kinda way.

                speaking as a person who tries to see the best in others as well and is almost loyal to a fault (which stems from some childhood stuff that i had to work out), i have to work at maintaining the balance of being who i naturally am without losing myself in someone else, or putting their well-being before my own. because you can’t take care of someone else (as a friend, family, gf, whatever) if you’re not taking care of yourself. but because i know these things about myself and looked back on the choices i made, i can now make better choices.

                but on men specifically, do not let any man make you forget who you are and what you deserve. you can’t give your all to someone who is giving you less than nothing. been there, done that, got the t-shirt and went to a whole ‘nother state for a minute to get away from the guy (ok, truth is he was only one part of a lot of drama that was going on in my life at the time and it was a internship not just willy nilly run away type sh!t). but the point the point is i had to take some time to get myself together and i was much better in the end for doing that.

                keep pushing through.

              • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula

                @The Champ,

                I am loving this Yoda version of The Champ. Very much so.

                :)

              • Coco

                @The Champ AND @chaoticdiva

                Yes, yes, yes…my thoughts exactly…I agree with the Champ…before I even read his comment I was thinking this girl needs to just take a hiatus from the dating scene.

                “Ctrl-Alt-Delete” when it comes to dating and relationships right now!!

                Yes these men are jerks…still can’t believe the mixed guy…but there is reason WHY you are attract these types of men.

                So step back…reset. Deal with some of the issues, like Champ said…get whole, get to know who you are…and you will meet nice men (nice, not perfect)…trust me on this.

              • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

                @The Champ,

                I may need you to guest/co-blog on my next posting.

                Good gawd in heabens…the next case is a DOOZY!!

              • charli skipper

                @The Champ, so i guess i was off. lol. i was like, “get back on that horse, guh!” lol. no children for me…

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @chaoticdiva,

              Sheesh. Again, the date was his idea…I only agreed because we were watching the fight.

              you could always say no.

              again, from what i’ve read from your comment (and your site), even if you met mr. perfect right now, you’re not in a place to be able to form anything meaningful and positive with him.you can’t go to ruth’s steak (or even burger king) and enjoy it if you’re in desperate need to get your stomach pumped

              the longer you keep dating without addressing your issues, the longer this sh*t will continue. those “needs” you spoke of before pale in comparison to your mental and emotional health.

              • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

                @The Champ,

                Preach, Deacon Champs!!!

              • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

                @The Champ,

                For the record: I don’t abuse alcohol…I really like drinking as a social activity. So I may drink alot, but its not because of stress.

                And to address the others: I didn’t let him treat me like that. He did what he did, and I didn’t say sh*t to him (outside of get the f*ck out of my face after he was coming to “check” on me). I didn’t cut him, hit him, scratch, kick, or bite him.

                I haven’t done that with any guy. Hell, I didn’t even post his name ANYWHERE. I didn’t go complaining to a bunch of his friends saying how bad of a guy he was, yada yada.

                Man, all I did was validate why this thread is true. My mental is alright. I’m under alot of stress, and its been making me sick, in which the liquor has been the only thing quelling my strange illness (it sounds odd…I’d have to expound on that further some other time).

                But yea. I’m fine. I just enjoy thoroughly calling men out on their ish. Its not me saying that ALL men are like that, because obviously they aren’t, otherwise, I wouldn’t have complaints since I wouldn’t have anything to compare them to.

                My point is that yes, girls in love will give a man money. Again, I did it for my last boyfriend, and even with that being my best relationship, it was still under-par. After that, I greatly raised my standards.

                However, I think I really do have a crappy personality. But its whatever.

                Thanks for all the support everybody. I’m now leaving this alone being that I have to study for finals.

  • overit

    I’m not so sure if you’re right. I might be more likely to hook up a brotha I’m with, but I’ve loaned friends, guy and girls, money plenty of times and def did not expect it back right away.

    • RedBeanzNRice

      @overit,
      “def did not expect it back right away.”

      But you DID expect to get it back, right?

      • overit

        @RedBeanzNRice, to be honest, I’ve noticed I give without expecting it back. If I get it back great, if not, then I guess they needed it. Obviously this is reserved for people close to me, who I know need it and don’t need me pestering them about IOU’s. The people close to me are good people, and are good for it. I just don’t give while at the same time securing a return date…defeats the purpose I feel.

        • RedBeanzNRice

          @overit,

          Now see, I think that’s a good philosophy among close friends; although I rarely do it cause sometimes it causes too much drama and hurt feelings.

          But when dating a guy, it becomes a different animal. Having said that, would you GIVE (not loan) a man that you’re dating money with no hopes of a return? (And by “money”, I mean over $100, not like Champ’s $500 – that’s just too much to fathom, lol)

          • overit

            @RedBeanzNRice, just like champ has never experienced racism, i have never had a dude ask me for money. most of the dudes i know would die before they asked me, even when i knew they were strapped and they knew i’d give it to them. i don’t know, i’ll cross that bridge when i get there.

            ps) beyonce called, she said don’t hate the playa, hate the game lol

            • RedBeanzNRice

              @overit,
              “ps) beyonce called, she said don’t hate the playa, hate the game lol”

              Bwahahahahaha. I’mma get you for that, lol.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @overit,

      but I’ve loaned friends, guy and girls, money plenty of times and def did not expect it back right away.

      thing is, theres a different dynamic at play in when comparing friends, family members, etc, and significant others. its nothing for many women to help a friend or family member out. the point i’m trying to make, though, is that most women have to be seriously, seriously, seriously into a guy for her to extend him that same luxury

  • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com MsSula

    There might be some truth to that statement.

    Interesting theory to say the least. I need to let it marinate a bit and come back to this one.

    • RedBeanzNRice

      @MsSula,

      *whispers to Sula*
      Re: Champ’s statement, there’s no truth in it – don’t let it marinate more than 35 minutes.

  • Gem of the Ocean

    “she just wanted to prove to them that she found someone worse in spades than gem and ivy she is.”

    stop the hateration and the holleration. me and Ivy are a spades force to be reckoned with. don’t nobody want a piece of the a*s whoopin we serve. hey Ivy, how many sets of partners did we school on Thanksgiving?? 3 or 4?? doesn’t really matter i guess, we won them all!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Gem of the Ocean,

      hey Ivy, how many sets of partners did we school on Thanksgiving?? 3 or 4?? doesn’t really matter i guess, we won them all!!

      ya’ll were just lucky i didn’t show up that night.

      • Gem of the Ocean

        negro please. you pickin Killa K as a spades partner over me shows me (1) you are a bad judge of character and (2) you aren’t even skilled enough to do damage control. thus having Ivy and her pahtna send yall packin at the last tourney.

        so ummm yeah. hush. lol

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Gem of the Ocean,

          i didnt “pick” killa k, lol…she was my partner by default. everyone else was paired up already. and ummm, i don’t know if spades Jesus himself could have done damage control during that game

          • Gem of the Ocean

            how was EVERYONE else paired when i did not have a partner?!?!?! you LOSE!!

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @Gem of the Ocean,

              i didnt know you were partner-less until after the fact. i made some assumptions, and it cost me dearly. still, the fact remains that i’m the sh*t in spades, and we’ll settle this issue soon enough.

              don’t sleep

              • Gem of the Ocean

                you did know becuz i even gave you an out and offered to be your partner instead. but it’s all good, you’ll recognize my awesomeness soon enough.

    • Ivy St.

      @Gem of the Ocean, *high five Gem* We always close down shop! LOL! I don’t really need to enter this conversation but I will anyway. Champie poo poo is all talk and no game… SERIOUSLY! Looks like we need another spades night to set things straight again. This time Champie, leave your excuses at home.

      • Gem of the Ocean

        *high five*

        heck yeah. i’m happy to hold another “Ivy & Gem Spades Clinic” and teach Champie a thing or too about how we roll.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Gem of the Ocean,

          ***looking outside my office window for more people to assist gem and ivy’s assertion of spades dominance.***

          ***still looking***

      • 8th Wonder

        “This time Champie, leave your excuses at home.”

        This is exactly what I said to him when we “spent time” together a few weeks ago.

        • miss t-lee

          @8th Wonder,
          ::snicker::

        • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

          @8th Wonder,

          Zing!!

  • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

    I dont know that I agree but I do think it has merit..however I have seen women give money in an attempt to keep a man that they dont really love..be it for competition, just want of a man..so I dont think its love I think giving money shows that she is invested in the relationship but the reasons for why she is invested can be quite varied…..
    I have bought things, and co signed on 1 apartment but I have never given like CASH before…. and by cash I mean more than 20.00…….

    • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

      @Shay-d-lady,

      Those aren’t women, those are manipulative girls. I think he’s talking REAL women. Ones that aren’t up for bovine excrement and games.

      • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

        @chaoticdiva, all of these women are real. real women will hold tight to a man because they think its better than being alone, a lot of real women get caught up with the FWB situations and will try and come out on top…and they will dole out some cash as well…it happens to the best of us…

        • RedBeanzNRice

          @Shay-d-lady,

          You’re right about the “caught up” FWB (Friends With Benefits) situations. But the sad part about the whole FWB for women, is that men see it this way: You can’t turn a ho into a housewife – bottom line.

          • IVR

            @RedBeanzNRice, “But the sad part about the whole FWB for women, is that men see it this way: You can’t turn a ho into a housewife – bottom line.”

            Concur. . . why buy the cow when u can get the milk for free. . .lol

            • RedBeanzNRice

              @IVR,
              “why buy the cow when u can get the milk for free. . .lol”

              AMEN! lol

    • YGB

      @Shay-d-lady,
      “I have seen women give money in an attempt to keep a man that they dont really love..be it for competition, just want of a man..so I dont think its love I think giving money shows that she is invested in the relationship but the reasons for why she is invested can be quite varied…..”

      Co-sign!!! I’ve also witnessed this.

      Clearly I’ve never been in love coz I’ve never given any man any cash. Now, I will feed him occassionally but cash – HELL NO!!!! But then again, I’ve never had a man who asked me for money!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @YGB,

        Clearly I’ve never been in love coz I’ve never given any man any cash

        lol…i’m not saying that the only women who are in love are the ones who have given freely, but that if you were truly in love, the giving wouldn’t matter to you.

        • YGB

          @The Champ,

          Okay I get you. I was getting worried.

    • Princess Duvet

      @Shay-d-lady, “… I have seen women give money in an attempt to keep a man that they dont really love..be it for competition, just want of a man..so I dont think its love I think giving money shows that she is invested in the relationship but the reasons for why she is invested can be quite varied…..”

      Gurl you betta preach the sermon…the varied agenda’s where by she opens her purse could be laced in some fragganackle-bullshyt.

      if YOU can’t keep him around, what makes you think your money really will.

    • Princess Duvet

      @Shay-d-lady, i was tempted to reply to myself…but i curbed my enthusiasm.

      given the experiment above…

      im curious to know that once the woman offered the money to prove how Bee Gee’s “Deep Is Your Love”….

      What does that say about the man who actually TAKES the $500.00??

      I can gesture and offer (kinda like how i do on the first date when I “reach” for my purse)..but what happens when you reach and he got his hand out LOL…

      to me thats more telling about his @zz than her supposed “adoration”.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Princess Duvet,

        What does that say about the man who actually TAKES the $500.00??

        lol…maybe that he needed it?

        • Princess Duvet

          @The Champ,

          “lol…maybe that he needed it?”

          i gotta call bullshyt on the love..out of all the people to ask in the world…you go to a woman you aint even in a relationship with to get a 2 fer 1…

          1. see if she really like me
          2. cause i really need it

          yeah..makes total sense to me.

          • RedBeanzNRice

            @Princess Duvet,

            *wild applause* Preach!

            • Princess Duvet

              @RedBeanzNRice,

              they don’t hear us..firstly a man is about the business of being a man. Thats my first indication that you are worthy of being in a relationship and further down the line that you are husbandly and a LEADER…

              not a taker…money is nothing but energy anyway…to me its more telling about how he is able and not able to solve simple life problems. And some misguided stupid woman becomes his ATM..when he hasnt learned how to make it TIM GUNN work.

              i cant believe that these are isolated events..give once..give twice..then you become his financial enabler. And he ends up with a woman who aint havin’ dat shyt..whose encouraging him to step it up and make it do what it do.

              where’s the personal responsibility in taking 500 bucks from a woman you aren’t even in a relationship with..best believe she’s keepin tabs..cause now your as good as bought..LOL.

              • miss t-lee

                @Princess Duvet,
                “where’s the personal responsibility in taking 500 bucks from a woman you aren’t even in a relationship with..best believe she’s keepin tabs..cause now your as good as bought..LOL”

                You’ll end up owing her way more than $500. I tell my brothers this ish.
                Chicks don’t just be doling out money from the goodness of their heart.
                He found that ish out the hard way when she hacked into his cell phone account and started calling his other “friends”, saying she was his woman…lmao
                All that drama and confusion just for some new tires on his truck.

              • Princess Duvet

                @Miss T

                “You’ll end up owing her way more than $500. I tell my brothers this ish. Chicks don’t just be doling out money from the goodness of their heart.

                ***Mother Teresa, Ghandi, and MLK having tea in heaven***

                there is ALWAYS an exchange..men miss this memo all THE FYKIN time..NOTHIN IS FREE..and her money doesn’t JUST represent her affection..

                now its wrapped up in unstated promises and expectation..that she just “paid” 500 dollars for.

                so i guess errybody else can just keep drankin the kool aid..hope its nice and sweet. LOL

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @Princess Duvet,

                this whole exchange made me smile

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @Princess Duvet, redbeanz

                i think you both are missing the point. i’m not saying that women need to start making it rain every time a guy sniffs at them, or that men should be hitting their girlfriends up for cash whenever theyre in any bind.

                all i’m saying is that, when a person (male or female) is truly in love, and truly trusts, then they’ll be willing to do pretty much anything to help out their mate, without need of reciprocation. this “anything” includes giving money, which, as this comment thread proves, is the “last line of defense” for many women. basically, if she’s willing to cross that plateau, then a guy has all the proof that he needs that she’s extremely invested in him.

              • Princess Duvet

                “i think you both are missing the point.”

                two things about me..i don’t miss points or buses..so let me re-read this post.

              • RedBeanzNRice

                @Champ

                “basically, if she’s willing to cross that plateau, then a guy has all the proof that he needs that she’s extremely invested in him.”

                No, I didn’t miss the point – it’s just not one that I believe to be true. So you’re saying that her giving him money is all the proof he needs?

                What about all the bullsh*t she puts up with from him; what about her choking down his mama’s nasty ass cornbread with a smile; what about her driving around his half-blind daddy cause he caused 4 accidents; what about her making his boys feel like they’re family even though they feet stank up the living room; what about her always making sure he feels like a man in every way?

                If a man truly believes that giving money is the KEY INDICATOR of her true love for him, then that man is missing way more than the few dollars he’s tryna hold.

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @redbeanz,

                What about all the bullsh*t she puts up with from him; what about her choking down his mama’s nasty ass cornbread with a smile; what about her driving around his half-blind daddy cause he caused 4 accidents; what about her making his boys feel like they’re family even though they feet stank up the living room; what about her always making sure he feels like a man in every way?

                i’m not saying that none of this matters. it all matters greatly. all i’m saying is that a person truly in love would be willing to do whatever, and that whatever does include being willing to help their mate out however they needed it.

                now, i’m not denying that doing this (the money thing) doesnt have a cost, and that theres something wrong with a guy who’s always hitting his chick up for cash. this entry isn’t about that though. thats a completely different discussion

              • RedBeanzNRice

                @Champ
                “now, i’m not denying that doing this (the money thing) doesnt have a cost”

                Very true. That’s why I believe so strongly the way I do. I can honestly say, after battling you all morning, that your post does have some merit to it.

                And honestly, I’m only saying that cause my dude kinda said you had a point from a man’s point of view.

                So I figure, if him being a man can somewhat see your point, then I’ll just chalk it up to “dude logic” and rest my case, lol.

      • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

        @Princess Duvet,

        “(kinda like how i do on the first date when I “reach” for my purse)”

        What exactly is the purpose of this?

        Chutes n’ Ladders/Trouble/Jenga/Connect Four

        That’s all I see.

  • Gem of the Ocean

    i’ve never given money to anyone and not expected it back. because everyone who’s come to me specifically asked to BORROW money. never had any man, woman, or child ask me for money they had no intentions (verbalized or not) of paying back. i have also never offered to just give some one money because i don’t have friends who are ever in financial crisis. so i’m not sure how i’d handle a $$ situation with an S.O.

    now, i did loan a good sum of money to this yella skinned fella (i don’t usually trust light brights with curly hair so i shoulda known…) i’m friends with a long while back and i’m still waiting on the rest. but we had an agreement, he knew i expected him to owe me back like 40 acres to blacks (big ups etwin!). i can only be mad at me for not putting a timeline on it. damn me!

    moral of the story: light skinned guys are shady and will neva eva come back in style…

    • charli skipper

      @Gem of the Ocean,
      “light skinned guys are shady and will neva eva come back in style…”

      and i thank ya. just doing all types of ignorant sh*t with they soft ass hands. SATTDOWN!

    • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

      @Gem of the Ocean, I have neer had a guy actually ask me for any money either.. i mean I dont know how I would have responded in that situation…..

      • Gem of the Ocean

        you know what, now that you mention it, the one S.O. i’ve ever truly loved never ever asked me for a dime. not even when he was a broke college student and in serious need. his pride would NEVER allow him to even think about it or so much as utter his financial troubles in front of me. he might have asked his boys, if any one at all, but def not me.

        but knowing he was strapped for cash i can recall plenty of times i offered to pay for meals, outtings, and even fuel for the ride (when he drove from MI to PA for one day, in the middle of his exams, to help me move even tho we were no longer together). and i was more than happy to help out (tho he never accepted). i knew he would have given me anything had i asked, no questions asked. besides, he wasn’t high yella or curly haired so…

        i guess it depends on the person and the circumstances of any potential monetary transaction. but really idk.

        • IVR

          @Gem of the Ocean, “(when he drove from MI to PA for one day, in the middle of his exams, to help me move even tho we were no longer together). ”

          WTF?

          • Gem of the Ocean

            *shrugs* the things ppl do in the name of love…

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Gem of the Ocean,

          your comment actually proved my point. even though he didnt ask for it, you didnt have a second thought in providing gas money for this guy because you cared about him so much. if you didnt care about him as much, i’m sure the purse strings would have been much, much tighter.

          • YGB

            @The Champ,

            The upside to this though is that she also benefited (having someone to lift all the heavy sh!t).

            @Gem of the Ocean,
            BTW, if he just wanted to visit would you have been as quick to give him gas money?

            • Gem of the Ocean

              not sure. there were a few times (post-dramatic breakup) we were making long trips to “hang out” with each other. we never offered each other money for these leisurely trips, since it was like “if i have the money i’ll come check you out.” but when i mentioned i was moving and i didn’t have a lot of help, he showed up a few days later like he lived down the street. and at that point when i offered him money it was on some “you’re a great friend who goes above and beyond the call of duty and i really appreciate you coming through for me.”

              had he put that same spirit into our relationship… anyway…

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @Gem of the Ocean,

                soooooo… why y’all ain’t togetha?

              • Gem of the Ocean

                he lied and cheated. the first i caught him in his lies he was sorry and promised to not hurt me again. i believed him. then i caught him up again and his basic response was “and?” … found out years later there were more buried lies.

                so yeah.

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @Gem of the Ocean,

                hmmm… i figured as much. i was just curious. thanks for indulging me

              • Gem of the Ocean

                yeah girl. too bad, aside from his lying, he had great qualities. rubbed my cramping tummy (every 1st and 2nd cycle day of each month), washed my car every week (even in the cold weather), cooked for me, gave me flowers just becuz “it’s Tuesday”. *smh* oh well.

          • Gem of the Ocean

            Champie i never said your point was not valid or untrue. pipe down buddy.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @Gem of the Ocean,

              i know…i’m just using your comment as an example to the masses and sh*t. we cool, gemmie

              • Gem of the Ocean

                good *terrorist fist bump*

                (coincidentally i happen to be donning hijab today)

    • eff yo couch

      moral of the story: light skinned guys are shady and will neva eva come back in style…

      @Gem of the Ocean,

      That statement is just wrong!!! We’ve been back in style for years now . . .we just keeping it on the low this time. And Jim Jones has no affiliation with us

      • RedBeanzNRice

        @Gem

        “moral of the story: light skinned guys are shady and will neva eva come back in style…”

        LMAO – ain’t THAT the truth! Somebody lied to eff yo couch.

      • Gem of the Ocean

        there’s no way yall could be keep it on the low even if you wanted to–your brightness shines for ALL to see!!! h*ll, even the teenagers i work with be tellin the lil yella boys they aren’t in style and need to SAT DOWN lol.

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

          @Gem of the Ocean,

          I audibly snickered and my co-worker leaned over my shoulder to see what was so funny… she is DYING over here, because her daughter said that to a little boy at school

          • Gem of the Ocean

            i love it!

          • SouthernGirl

            @blackberry molasses, lmao! i need details and ages on this situation…

            • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

              @SouthernGirl,

              all i know is the girl is about 12 years old, so i’m assuming the boy is around that age. I can speculate what happened since I know this girl and she’s actually 12 going on 35, but i’m sure the truth is much funnier. too bad i don’t know it. when she comes back, i’ll ask

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @blackberry molasses,

                ***donning wet blanket***

                hmmm…i wonder how funny it would be to everyone if a little dark-skinned girl came home upset because some lightskinned boy said that her color was out of style?

                ***taking off wet blanket, and standing under heated light to dry my clothes***

              • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

                @The Champ

                **holding nose**

                that blanket ain’t just wet… its DANK. Like it was left in the washing machine for 4 days dank.

                If the shoe was on the other foot, yeah, we’d feel some kinda way about it. I’m not going to lie.

                But this child is the kind of kid who will tell you your breath stinks and your dress is ugly while giving you puppy dog eyes and a big hug. THAT’S why its funny… to me and her mom at least.

                That doesn’t mean she wasn’t wrong.

              • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula

                @ The Champ,

                … Yep, I was thinking that too.

                I think it’s too okay to make fun of “yellow boys”…

                *gets out of under Champ’s blanket… we’ve been agreeing on too much today. It’s scary!!!*

    • http://www.museacdonline.etsy.com pgh muse

      @Gem of the Ocean,

      light skinned guys are shady and will neva eva come back in style…

      this made me laugh!

  • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

    My Big Mama (and Mother after her) always said “Neither a borrower nor a lender be”. With that being MY truth, I don’t ask for anything from anybody, if I can help it at all. And if I feel moved to loan, I just simply give. I don’t loan anything to anybody that I can’t do without because no matter the nature of the relationship, there is a very real possibility that they just may not give my shyt back.

    And as far as money, I’ve lived broke, very broke and comfortably. I know it comes and goes. If I can’t afford to do without it, I don’t give it away. Simple.

    • Gem of the Ocean

      “I don’t loan anything to anybody that I can’t do without because no matter the nature of the relationship, there is a very real possibility that they just may not give my shyt back.”

      i think that is a very interesting and good point. i have only loaned money once when i knew i couldn’t afford it (see above) and it was my fault for putting my own self in a financial bind in order to help some one who was even more strapped. poor decision. live and learn.

      that being said, i think you’re “right on the money” (hehe) with the possibility that you might not get ish back and you if you’re going to give it should be without further expectations. because ppl are either shady (whether they intend to be or not) and some ppl just never seem to get it together.

    • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

      @PBG,

      Ah Hamlet, how I love my Shakespeare. . .

      • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

        @kamakula,

        Isn’t that something? My Big Mama (RIP) only went as far as 9th grade in school, but that old lady was wise. She passed away last year 12/16/07 @ the age of 96. Half the stuff I say to other people giving advice came from something she told me. I miss her a WHOLE BUNCH!!

    • http://www.myspace.com/shay_d_lady79 Shay-d-lady

      @PBG, my granny says the same thing and I have learned it to be true..,If I cant give it I dont its only a set up for trouble….

      this right here? this shyt right here ninja?

      And as far as money, I’ve lived broke, very broke and comfortably. I know it comes and goes. If I can’t afford to do without it, I don’t give it away. Simple.

      words to live by…..

    • http://www.fyre08.blogspot.com Ro

      @PBG,
      I was taught something similar. When it comes lending, especially money, it’s better to just give it.

      I’ve given friends, family, homeless men in front of mcdonalds money…sometimes my last. I look at it like this… if it was me, would i want someone to walk by me b/c they only had $2 to last them for 3 days? Nope, I’d still want them to help me.

      Now I don’t go giving every homeless man I see some of my spare change. But when I have it to give, I give….unfortunately, I’ve been in a recession for the last 3 years .

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      @PBG,
      Way to keep Big Mama’s Legacy of not being a fool alive. Hug yo self. I bet she’s beaming all the way from Heaven. Here have some sweet potato pie (it’s sweet brown and lovely just like you) & egg nog (take it easy that burbon and rum ain’t for punks).

      • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

        @WuDaMan,

        Thanks Wu, but I don’t even like egg nog. The list of stuff I don’t like to eat or drink can be as long as VSB comment section. I’m weird about food. That’s another reason why I miss my Big Mama…she was one of the few people who would cater to that weirdness. LOL.

  • superwoman

    hmmmm – i hate it when you post these blogs where i have to grudgingly agree that you’re right.

    i have to say that i’ve never given actual cash to a guy who i thought i was in love with, or was actually in love with – simply because they’ve never asked.

    HOWEVER, i’ve done things like pay for a trip to visit (and with the international flavour of a lot of my relationships, that’s no small sacrifice), but i have to say it’s always really reciprocal, and i’m never the one who initiates the spending – i only make that kind of cash layout once i’ve been on the receiving end of a huge token of some kind. (not that i plan it that way, but thinking about it, that’s how it’s played out.)

    also, my spending is always matched somehow by my S.O. – like i’ll spend a bunch to fly over and visit, but he’ll take care of all the expenses on the ground, (which add up – lotsa entertainment, romantic getaways in cosy boutique hotels, etc)

    but if they had asked, being in love the way i have been – i may well have parted with the $ – at todays exchange rate, $500 is 5000 Rands -(crikey, a chunk of cash!) but i might well do it…

    ah, love….

    • RedBeanzNRice

      @superwoman,
      “hmmmm – i hate it when you post these blogs where i have to grudgingly agree that you’re right”

      I’m just mad that you as a woman really thinks he’s right on this. AND that you’re one of those women that does it, knowing DAMN WELL you’re better than that. My question is: WHY?

      • superwoman

        @RedBeanzNRice, don’t be mad sweetheart. the beauty of these blogs is that one can tell one’s own truth, regardless –

        and to be honest, in my lived experience, he IS right. and i’m not sure what you mean by saying that ‘i’m better than that’. i’ve never regretted the $ i spent in these instances, it was completely worth it (and reciprocated, in fact – i think much more was spent on ME as the woman in the relationship)

        what i read in champs article is that if a woman loves a man (or believes she does), then she’ll spend money on him. and my response was – ‘yes, i certainly would, and have, ( albeit indirectly)’. i’m honestly mystified by your assertion that i’m ‘better than that’, i really don’t see what i’ve done that’s so wrong, frankly…. these were all good, loving, empowering relationships. and like i said, i never actually GAVE a man money – i spent money to be with him – and he spent a whole lot back to make sure my stay was fab…. and then some. as to answer your question ‘WHY?’ well, it was a gift i felt like giving (him AND myself), and i’m uncomfortable in situations where a guy is just spending, spending, spending – and i’m not giving anything back in the same way. it’s all about give and take isn’t it?

        • YGB

          @superwoman,

          Spending money to be with someone happens in every relationship though, whether jump-off or otherwise. You have to get to that other person somehow right and you will incur some cost in the process.

          Champ specifically said “the only way you can be absolutely sure that a woman is definitely into you is if she’s willing to give you money. not borrow. not loan. give. give, with absolutely no plans to ever get it back.”

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @YGB,

            Champ specifically said “the only way you can be absolutely sure that a woman is definitely into you is if she’s willing to give you money. not borrow. not loan. give. give, with absolutely no plans to ever get it back.”

            i made a couple edits to that part this morning just so that my point was more clear.

            “no, their only true tell, the one sign that’ll make you absolutely certain that a woman is definitely, without any questions, into you is if she’s willing to give you money.”

            does this make more sense to you now?

            • YGB

              @The Champ,

              Absolutely! My point was that spending on yourself to go visit someone does not equate to giving them money. Coz you get to enjoy the fruits of your spending.

            • superwoman

              @The Champ, darling – point made. thankoo!

        • RedBeanzNRice

          @superwoman,

          “what you mean by saying that ‘i’m better than that’. ”

          I’m just old-fashioned I suppose. Cause I believe the man should be the one to take care of the woman and not vice versa – unless you’re married. Once you’re married, it’s equal across the board.

          • Gem of the Ocean

            i have old fashioned values too. and just becuz you give a man money doesn’t really mean you’re taking care of him in place of him taking care of you.

            besides, my mama always tells me relationships are run the way they are started. meaning what you allow to happen at the beginning is what is likely to continue long down the road. so if you start off NOT giving (be it money or anything else), what is your incentive to start later??

          • superwoman

            @RedBeanzNRice, @RedBeanzNRice, “I believe the man should be the one to take care of the woman and not vice versa – unless you’re married”

            i suppose this is where we fundamentally disagree. i honestly do not believe this is right, or true. in a relationship, we must take care of each other (be it financially, emotionally, whatever) – men also need tenderness, nurturing, and protection.

            and i’m not sure how you can get to the point where a man will decide he wants to marry you if he hasn’t felt that from you, if he’s so busy sorting you out and getting nothing back in return….

            but then again, maybe i shouldn’t be making the point, coz my point is not necessarily about cold hard cash being handed over – but what i do know is that if the man i was in love with actually asked me for money, i would give it unhesitatingly coz i KNOW he’s only asking coz he’s in a tigher-than-tight spot, because none of the guys i’ve been with have ever asked me for money.

            so when the request comes, my assumption is that ‘heysh, this guy is in a bind of note, let me make a plan’

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @superwoman,

              if your comment was a chick, i’d elope.

              • superwoman

                @The Champ, i’m giggling coyly now…

              • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

                @The Champ,

                If Superwoman’s comment was a chick, I’d go gay for a lil’ while and try to mack.

            • RedBeanzNRice

              @superwoman,
              “i suppose this is where we fundamentally disagree. i honestly do not believe this is right, or true. ”

              I suppose you’re right. All of the other things are true regarding taking care of one another in the relationship – that goes without saying.

              What Champ is saying is that giving a man money is a KEY INDICATOR that the woman really loves him, and I don’t believe that to be true. You can get to the point of marriage without having to “prove” your true love that way, and I know that to be a fact because I’ve NEVER given my fiance any money to just HAVE without repaying, yet he KNOWS I’m in love with him by everything I’ve been to him.

              Now, when we tie the knot, I have no problem giving him money cause we’re equal across the board, and it will inevitably all come out in the wash.

              • RedBeanzNRice

                @Superwoman,

                “I suppose you’re right. ”

                What I meant to SAID was, I suppose you’re right that we disagree. Oops. : )

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                @RedBeanzNRice,

                “What Champ is saying is that giving a man money is a KEY INDICATOR that the woman really loves him”.

                no i didnt, lol. i said that if a woman is WILLING to give, then that means she must be really into him. big difference. whether or not a situation arises where that opportunity presents itself is besides the point.

              • RedBeanzNRice

                @Champ

                “no i didnt, lol.”

                Oh.

    • YGB

      @superwoman,

      Lemme get this right – you were the one doing the travelling right? That’s not the same as giving the man cash – the expenditure was for your pleasure as well!

      • superwoman

        @YGB, yes – so perhaps my example does NOT actually reinforce champs point – but it’s a bloody hot day in Jo’burg, and i’ve got year-end burnout, so maybe i wasn’t thinking too straight….

        • YGB

          @superwoman,

          What are the chances? I am in Joburg too! It ain’t that hot so stop lyin! The year-end burnout can definitely mess up a person’s brain though!

          • superwoman

            @YGB, haaai, wena, it’s HOT!! the daily summer rains only help mitigate the heat, what’re you talking about??? my baby tomato plants have SHRIVELLED on my stoep, they are not COPE-ing, (heh heh) and my brain is FRIED, it’s been a long, long year…

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            @YGB,

            vsb.com: where south africans say south african things

            • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula

              @The Champ,

              This comment made me chuckle.

              you’re on a funny roll today.

            • superwoman

              @The Champ, hee! sorry man – let me translate….

              haai = no/uh-uh
              wena = you
              stoep=porch/veranda
              cope= this is a double entendre – a new political party, Congress of the People (COPE) made up mainly of defectors from the ruling party (ANC) and causing much hell as a result.

              so we’re having a lot of fun with little jokes about how we’re ‘coping with COPE’, and how COPE is coping with the current political drama….

              tee hee! you ARE extra funny today!

              • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

                @superwoman,

                “stoep=porch/veranda”

                This is an American colloquialism as well, but we spell it “stoop”.

                vsb.com: where cultural similarities and differences are celebrated.