Black Heat: VSB Guide To the Dos and Don'ts of Summer Madness
Summertime is here and that means that the insane heat is going to be messing with people’s good judgment and common sense. Lucky for you, I, Panama Jackson, am here to provide some do’s and don’ts for the summertime, though really, these rules can apply all year. I’m all-purpose like that.
Do be conscious of the fact that all people cannot wear all things. If you are a 300 pound woman, you cannot wear a size 2 anything. With that in mind…
Don’t be afraid to be fat if you are. All women aren’t intended to wear tight clothing. If you’re of gut, cover it up. You shouldn’t wear form fitting clothing if you haven’t got any form. Newsflash: Your knockers should be up-top and differentiable from your stomach. Two sets of boobs works great for the circus. Life? Not so much.
serial mom download If you must wear short shorts, do tackle the spiderwebs, ladies. I’ve actually seen a chick who looked like she had a mop in a headlock THRU her shorts. A little minor gardening can go a long way.
And fellas, don’t wear short shorts. I’m aware with the current skinny jeans phenomenon that the gay look is in. It is a bad look.
Do enjoy the lovely outdoors.
Don’t f*ck it up by shooting somebody. You know the crime rates increase in the summertime because ninjas get hot and agitated. Calm the f*ck down.
Do use lotion on your flour-kickers if you must wear sandals. This rule does not apply to white people so much, though I do suggest using lotion on your feet anyway. But that’s more for health and not aesthetic reasons.
And along those lines…
Don’t overdo the baby powder, especially on the chest region. Not only do I not understand it, but you will walk around looking like you’re about to be put in a deep fryer. Again, not a good look.
Speaking of ungood looks…
Do make sure that you don’t try too hard to bring certain dead styles back. Like speedos. Once again, with the whole 80’s fashion faux-pas problem resurfacing, who knows what’s on the horizon.
Do wash your cars because there is nothing worse than driving around in the summer with a dusty ride. Women at bus-stops can’t really appreciate a dusty-mobile. At the same time…
…don’t write anything overly obscene on anybody’s dusty car. A simple “wash me b*tch” or “this f*ckin’ car is dusty as f*ck” will suffice.
Do make sure that your shoe game is in check. Keep them clean, especially your Air Force 1s (or Uptowns or Coke Whites, whatever you call them). For the life of me I’ll never understand why any grown man would walk around wearing shoes looking like they survived Vietnam. Women notice shoes, fellas.
As a caveat to a former one for the ladies:
Don’t wear shoes that are too small for your feet to handle. If you need to understand geometry and calculus in order to get your feet comfortably into your shoes, shoot yourself. Or if you’re not the violent type, just get some bigger shoes, sasquatch.
make sure you summertime mackin’ game is intact. Please fellas, practice your game on minor league women you really don’t want before you go taking it to the big leagues. You make all men look bad when you have bad summertime game.
I realize that last one was bit jacked up and implies that some women should have game “practiced” on them. There is no set guideline for who the batting practice chicks are. Just assume you aren’t one. Mmkay, ladies?
Don’t deal with losers with zero game, ladies. It will have repercussions and reverberations for years to come on some sorry sap who really does like you. Feel free to clown a lame cat though. But give yourself a quota, only like, one a week or something.
Do go to a BBQ.
Don’t burn down a park. Smokey the Bear says only you can prevent forest fires. Hey, did anybody else ever notice that Smokey was always on the scene of forest fires? I’m not saying he lit them himself, but if there’s no fires he kind of doesn’t have a career now, does he? Think about it.
Do download the poseidon adventure movie enjoy the summer.
Any other dos and don’ts for the summertime we need to address?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
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