Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Pop Culture, Race & Politics

Black Card Denied: Stereotypically “Black” Things You’re Just Not That Into

You’ve never rocked a doo-rag before? Ever?

This question came about yesterday as a friend and I were having a nuanced discussion about the peculiarity surrounding the idea of blackness. Wait, that’s a lie. We were actually talking about something called a “Dr. Laura Schlessinger“, and the conversation somehow segued to an analysis of women with mustaches (and which occupations they’re most likely to have), morphed to a debate about old men with baby hair, and finally landed on Cheese from”The Wire”. (don’t ask)

As any fan of “The Wire” will tell you, Cheese–a mid-level East Baltimore drug dealer played by Method Man–was perpetually doo-ragged up. In fact, I don’t think there was a single moment in five seasons where Cheese appeared without a doo-rag or hoodie on his head.  Anyway, while discussing Cheese’s contribution to the show, my friend made a reference to the acne a loose do0-rag can cause (for the laymen: if you leave the strings hanging down, they can irritate your skin), and that it would be difficult to be taken seriously if you were a drug dealer with adult acne. My reply:

“I wouldn’t know. I’ve never attempted to sell drugs in East Baltimore, and I’ve never rocked a doo-rag”

“What? I don’t believe you”

“You’ve known me for 10 years. When have you ever seen me attempt to sell drugs in East Baltimore?”

“I’m talking about the doo-rag, d*ckhead. You’ve never rocked a doo-rag before? Ever?”

“Nope”

“You sure you’re black, right?”

“No, but my d*ck is definitely black. Ask your wife”

“You might not be black, but you’re definitely gay”

Gayness aside, I was telling the truth. I’ve never rocked a doo-rag or stocking cap before, but for good reason(s)

A) Due to one of my great, great, great Native American second cousins, I was able to get waves without having to wear one.

B) Because of my head size/shape insecurities as a youth, I (rightly) assumed that wearing one would make my head look like a condom.

Anyway, this conversation made me think of a few more stereotypically “black” things I’ve just never really been that into, parts of standard American blackness I’ve never experienced, and other things that might jeopardize my black card membership if word ever got back to the committee.

I’ve never seen Love Jones, Love and Basketball, The Golden Child, The Last Dragon, The Wood, Booty Call, Hav Plenty, and anything Tyler Perry. I finally watched The Color Purple for the first time two years ago, and I’m close to 122% certain I won’t be watching Precious any time in the pre-apocalyptic future.

My reasons for not seeing any of these movies vary from “it just doesn’t look any good” (The Golden Child) to “He’s 5’6 in heels. How the hell am I supposed to believe he’s a great basketball player?” (Love and Basketball)

I’ve never been to Atlanta

Although, thanks to YouTube (NSFW!), I have been to Strokers numerous times.

None of my friends in Pittsburgh have any kids

Wait, let me rephrase that. None of my friends in Pittsburgh have any kids they know of.

Seriously though, I realize some people might find this–there are entire crews of childless, 25 to 35 year old black people floating around–hard to believe, but it’s true. I actually have a theory about how black people with kids and black people without kids usually travel in completely separate social circles, and I’d expound upon it if I actually gave a damn.

I always hated Good Times

The entire premise was depressing, none of the jokes were funny, and I could never make the Bob Beamon-esque leap that John Amos and Esther Rolle would have been able to overlook the 932 year age gap between them to form a loving couple. 900 years? Maybe. But, not 932. That’s just pushing it.

I’ve never purchased an R&B album

Unless, of course, you include Ghostdini the Wizard of Poetry.

I grew up in Southwestern Pennsylvania, went to a predominately white college, played a sport, and only slept with one white woman

And, to be perfectly honest, she was somewhat thick before it was cool for snizzles to be thick–her nickname was “Jabba The Butt“– so she didn’t really count.

I haven’t worn a pair of sunglasses in at least a decade

I’m including this even though I’m not exactly sure how “black” sunglasses really are. Basically, sunglasses are exactly like Rashida Jones in “Parks and Recreation”

I’ve never drank an entire 40

Honestly, I’ve never understood how people can do this. I mean, I can’t even drink 40 ounces of water in one sitting, so how the hell do people drink 40 ounces of beer? Are beer drinkers born with extra stomachs? Is the beer in 40s like cotton candy where it evaporates as soon as it hits your mouth? Is there a prize at the bottom of a 40 bottle? Like, is there a pocket-sized Kenya Moore waiting at the bottom of the bottle for you to rescue her from her foamy hell? Someone (preferably someone from south central Los Angeles) please explain this to me.

I’ve never shot dice

But, unfortunately…

My house has been shot at

…which basically makes up for everything else on the list.

Okay, that’s enough from me. VSB.com, can you name any stereotypically black things you’ve never experienced, parts of universally accepted black culture you’re really just not that into?

The floor is yours.

—The Champ aka No Alias (because aliases are a bit too black to)

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • Rog

    Maybe?

    • Rog

      Wacka 50 Tyson Juiceman Soulja!!!!

      • kingpinenut

        smgdh lmbaoooo

      • http://twitter.com/yonnie3000 Yonnie 3000

        *shudders at the thought of such an entity*

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

        It’s confirmed, I want the above act to perform at my wedding. Not all of them, just that one person. There has to be someone out there named that, right?

    • legitimate_soul

      Yay, Rog!

      • Rog

        Thank You Thank You!!

        BTW CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW DO I GET A AVATAR!?!?!

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

          Go to gravatar.com & get an acct. Then you’ll have an avatar whenever you comment on ANY wordpress site.

          That’ll be 5 dereon dollars. I accept Paypal.

          • Rogbaldee

            How about an E-IOU?

            • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

              No.

              • Rog

                “No.”

                Ooooo…Cold lol

    • ComicBookGuy

      Good avatar, Rog.

      • Rog

        Thx I’ve been catching up on the Brightest Day and The Blackest Night Series. All the different color Lanterns have me going :-O!

        • ComicBookGuy

          Geoff Johns has been the best and most consistent writer for DC Comics for the past 10 years. If he could only write Justice League and Superman, I would read those books. All I read is Green Lantern, Flash and Brightest Day from DC. I read Justice Society just for his writing so when I left, I was done. Infinite Crisis, Sinestro Corps War, Legion of Three Worlds and Blackest Night have been some of the best stories I have read in a long time.

          • Rog

            I just hope they come correct with the movie. At the Comic-Con panel they indicated that there was going to be a lot of other Lanterns in there too (Kilowog, Boodika, Tomar-Ru). All I know is John Stewart betta have some kind of speaking role.

        • legitimate_soul

          I love your Avatar!

          • Rog

            @legit_soul

            Same to you! I’ve always had a cartoon crush on Vixen

  • kingpinenut

    no dog no devil bird

    ever

    yeah i can’t sleep

    • KingPineNut

      damn and hatin on good times?!

      I broke down and listened to the mountain of pure rock on the way home…..

      sue me…live in maine and the other ride got the satellite hook up

      • miss t-lee

        *waves* what up buddy?

        • KingPineNut

          you got me singin that dayum song now…lol

          vacation……end…back on the grind….

          how you liviin?!

          oh and had some tadiq this last weekend too!

          • miss t-lee

            Doing well, can’t complain. Good to see ya ’round.

      • http://gravatar.com/tayjorcolmar Taylormay

        lol

  • hehe

    I thought I was the only one who hated Good Time!!

    • hehe

      1)Not fond of fried chicken, watermelon, pig feet, chitling,or fatbacks
      2) I’m not a fat or overweight
      3) not an angry black woman

      • he

        Oh my butt isn’t enormous..it still nice though ;)

      • Mo (VSS)

        I hate Kool-aid…yes, even the infamous “red” kind

        I work out…I know that’s not considered “black” but I’m not interested in diabetes (also known as “sugar” in the black community) high blood pressure, and all that other health related jazz that many a black folk seem to be fond of. Don’t want it, any of it.

        Yes, I have a donk…think “Tasha Mack” from The Game. What’s lacking upstairs (sadly) is pretty well made up for with the butt. A slim black woman’s saving grace, lol

      • dudette

        What!? Watermelon is the bomb. I never even tried pig feet, chitlin, fatback or kool-aid, but watermelon? I could eat it every day.

    • Margo_Brown

      YES!!! Me too!!! I could NEVER get into that show…glad more of us exist.

    • Capricorn

      *raises hand* I didnt like the show either.

      I dont eat black eyed peas, greens (any kind), watermelon, pig feet, hog maws, chitlins, pig ears, chicken feet, etc.

      • Tonya

        What exactly IS a hog maw?

        • NYNY

          A hog maw with be the stomach of the pig while the chitlins are the intestines. Best cooked for a long period of time and in lots of vinegar. Wow I am black gladly accepts my card.

      • WIP

        My people kill me with that when I’m home. I hate black-eyed peas, pretty much anything with gravy or that’s gray in color or smells like it died 3 years ago.

        Now watermelon, all day, lol.

    • Oftenconfused

      You ate not alone I’ve always hated good times.

  • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/2010/06/01/i-do-this-because-i-love-you/ Dash of The Newport Dashers

    I have never seen a 40 in person before, let alone drank one.

    I do not possess The Black Spider Sense, but I make up for this by researching my surroundings before I go to them, and always being aware of them.

    I have never been with a snow bunny.

    I do not treat Income Tax Season like Christmas The Remix.

    I have never used Shea Butter.

    I do not understand the appeal of rims.

    Seeing Black people in a movie or show does not pique my interest.

    I do not pretend to think Lupe Fiasco is deep.

    • Rog

      “I do not pretend to think Lupe Fiasco is deep.”

      He talks about social issues, he’s definitely not on some metaphysical, existential, aesthetic [insert any other word I had to learn for the new 2400 point SAT that I hardly ever use] type ish. Pretty surface level.

      • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

        “I do not understand the appeal of rims.” Nor do I understand people who RENT rims to put on straight bucket cars.

        • bajanflchick

          speaking of RENTING, I do NOT understand anyone who rents any of that BS that they rent at any of those places, SERIOUSLY, do the math cause you are getting straight robbed!

        • Captain Morgan

          You can RENT rims?….That just blew my mind.

          • http://www.herlilblackbook.com HLBB

            RENT rims….? Mind also blown…

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            You can RENT rims?….That just blew my mind.

            definitely. there’s actually a spot maybe a mile away from my place called “rent and roll”

          • The Frog Princess

            I know someone that leased rims on a leased hummer. And then put a personalized license plate on it.

        • http://www.NaughtyLilSecret.com Better Than Your Average Jo

          WOW. I didn’t even know you could rent rims!

      • http://www.shesoflyy.com muze

        “I do not treat Income Tax Season like Christmas The Remix.”

        LOL. hilarious. amazing how many people treat tax time like exactly that.

        • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

          LOL, my cousin is notorious for that. Bought a 50-lem inch plasma TV and a laptop and the following month, had to sell them both to pay rent.

    • Purplenat

      “I do not pretend to think Lupe Fiasco is deep.”

      LAWL. But, but, he made a song called Dumb It Down! And put a buncha random $3 words in it! If stupid people can’t understand him, he’s deep! Right, gaiz? >___>

      …*cough* Yeah… But in real life… I’ma need a song mostly meant to insult people’s intelligence/the state of rap to NOT sound like a mushroom-induced freestyle, analysis be damned. =\

    • http://reformedsoutherngal.blogspot.com KitKatCuty84

      When you say you don’t “treat Income Tax Season like Christmas The Remix”, are you saying you don’t buy anything nice when that little extra change comes? I didn’t know that was a Black thing…I surely will use that income tax money. ;)

      • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Dash of The Newport Dashers

        Over the years I have become cheap because I suffer from crippling buyer’s remorse. I generally just save the money for rainy day purposes.

  • Rog

    1. I’ve never had sex with my with socks on, but then again I’m a VBC
    (Virg by Choice) so that kinda eliminates that but if I did I probably wouldn’t have socks on.

    2. Went to an all-boys predominantly white high school in East Baltimore, yeah not that many of those out there and there were only 13 of us

    3. Never like chitlins, the scent is just gahhhhhh

    4. Fronts/Grills/Paul Wall mouth-Nah I’m good

    5. Never been attracted to big white woman, really WHO THE PHUCK CAME UP WITH THAT STEREOTYPE?

    • KingPineNut

      2. Went to an all-boys predominantly white high school in East Baltimore, yeah not that many of those out there and there were only 13 of us

      damn…man…i’m sorry……

      *flashbacks to the Sea Hag on rt 40 at 300 am*

      *shudder*

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      “Never like chitlins, the scent is just gahhhhhh”

      Chitlins smells like feet, sweaty locker room, and doom. No thank you.

      • 8th Wonder

        See, I always thought they smelled like Monday morning, lay-offs, and corn chips.

        • Yeah…So

          Like depression, @ss grits and the war on terrorism

          • http://www.twitter.com/SoulaPowa Soula Powa

            Ohh, me next.

            Chitlins smell like dirty jockstraps, a garden tool’s vajajay, and FAIL.

            • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

              Chitlins smell like Precious’ upper lip, sour fart, and an epic journey.

              I’ve never even TASTED chitterlings, and no one will be able to convince me that they do NOT taste like they smell.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        Chitlins smells like feet, sweaty locker room, and doom. No thank you.

        you haven’t lived until you’ve eaten a chitlin sandwich with jalapeno chips

        • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

          Then consider me un-alive. I’ll refrain. Breath smelling like garbage, slavery and unmet potential. No sir.

          • Nonotthejacket

            I was going to wait to comment but this right here has me in tears…

          • http://stemartaen.com Laviyah

            See, this is why i don’t come by here often. I can spend all day giggling uncontrollably at the comments on here.

            • TootCPop

              Yall play too much my cheeks hurt!

    • CNotes

      @Rog

      “I’ve never had sex with my with socks on”

      Yes….leaving the socks on takes all of the sexy out of sex. It screams insecurity (IMO) and how is the brotha supposed to perform without slippin and slidin??? #failedsmash

  • hehe

    Basically, sunglasses are exactly like Rashida Jones in “Parks and Recreation”

    Please expound

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      Rashida Jones has a knack for playing the most racially ambiguous characters possible. This is no knock on her personally (i think she’s a good straight-man actress in comedic roles) but everyone she plays is a racial question mark

    • professionallurker

      Rashida Jones is vaguely black. Sunglasses are vaguely a black thing.

      • A Plus

        ain’t nothing vaguely black about the name “rashida”, but yeah, i get what you’re saying

        • Yeah…So

          “ain’t nothing vaguely black about the name “rashida””

          Aha!

          • http://twitter.com/DrunkUncleP Uncle P

            and she’s Quincy Jones daughter! you can’t be more
            black than that!

          • MissingaFew

            one drop rule….she cant be vaguely black. Mr. Quincy Jones is a negro..sorry Rashida, you colored!

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    I hate watermelon. I don’t eat pork. I can’t play spades. I’ve never played dominoes. I’ve never watched The Game. I got bored with Girlfriends after season 3. Hey, where did my Black card go? *rummages through purse*

    • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/2010/06/01/i-do-this-because-i-love-you/ Dash of The Newport Dashers

      Watermelon has no taste. I also do not eat pork, and I am constantly asked if I am a Muslim because of it. I also do not pronounce shrimp as skrimp.

      The Spades thing is just…Let me check and see if your shade is the result of a tanning booth.

      • eff yo couch

        I get asked the Muslim question all the time because I don’t eat pork too … well I stopped eating it almost 9 years ago … and I sometimes rock an Abraham Lincoln beard too … but then again I’m from Philly

        • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Dash of The Newport Dashers

          The Holidays are annoying because I can’t eat a lot of the food, and everyone either thinks I hate the Lord or think they can not cook.

          • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

            It’s only been about a year since I stopped. Don’t really miss it since I was never a fan of ham, obnoxious pork parts, bacon (I always liked turkey more. I like MEAT (o_O), not fat…turkey is leaner) etc. I will miss Parker House sausages sometimes lol.

            Holidays are annoying for the non-pork eaters. Like this past 4th of July, my neighbor made some BOMB arse spaghetti and then I found out there was Italian sausage in it. Not cut-up, but ground sausage. I was BUMMED that I couldn’t eat it.

            Little things happen like that all the time. I go to a family function and they’re like, “Oh, sh*t, forgot you didn’t eat pawk.” WTF, my mama hasn’t eaten it in 20 years, ya’ll shoulda learnt something by now.

    • acn

      the watermelon thing is pretty interesting to me. i gave my niece watermelon and she vomited. i was like “how can a black (african) child dislike watermelon?” i’m pretty shocked to learn other black people don’t like it.

      but i am glad to learn someone else doesn’t know how to play spades, i guess i can make that up with dominoes, right?

      • miss t-lee

        I hate watermelon. Always have, then again, I don’t like honeydew or cantaloupe either. It all tastes flippin’ tragic.

        • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Dash of The Newport Dashers

          Breast are the only tasty melons. The rest of the melon family can go sit in a corner.

          • miss t-lee

            Lol! :-D

          • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

            dying at this comment… bruahahahaa….
            ZING!!

            ps: i dislike most melons as well. welll..except my own of course. i prefer berries and pineapple. mmmm….

        • http://www.mysixcents.wordpess.com K. LySha

          Co sign on the tragicness of all things melon…..except melon flavored now and laters*…and alcoholic beverages….

          *for the benefit of the black card committee that translates to
          nah-latas

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      “I can’t play spades”

      The Council of Colored Folks Confirmation would like your Black card FedExed to us first thing in the morning. They said “We don’t know this stranger bish.”

      • http://twitter.com/get_sanks BDot

        Not knowing how to play spades in inexcusable. I dated a girl once who was educated, cooked, cleaned, and was as sweet as they come.

        But didn’t know how to play spades.

        ……it didn’t work out.

      • M0 (VSS)

        Can’t play spade is different than don’t play spades. I know many-a-black-folk who can play, but don’t. Just straight not knowing though? wheredeydodatat?

        *Motion for black card revocation is seconded!

        • Tonya

          I spent my teenage years in Portland..no, Tigard, Oregon, home of the “Tigard Tigers” and the only Black female in my class.

          My mother made sure that I knew how to play spades. You teach the babies dominoes so they can learn to do math in their head.

          If you don’t know how to play..you should start using skin-lightening cream so that there’s no confusion..

    • Michele

      I always get the side eye when I admit to not knowing how to play spades.

      • Yeah…So

        *side eye* lol

      • CNotes

        @Michele

        …another *Side Eye* : )

  • miss t-lee

    I can’t and I won’t even attempt to cook chitlins. I don’t do CP time. *btw your detachable stomach tag reminds me of that old “detachable p*nis” song…lol

    • KingPineNut

      i will be singin that song in my sleep…damn you to heyalllllllllllllLLLL!

      • miss t-lee

        Sorry…LMAO. I love the guitar on that song.

  • http://aconflictedsoul.livejournal.com Calmpleks

    I’ve never been to jail, nor have any of my friends. My favorite new band is called The Whitest Boy Alive (really!). And wait for it….

    I didn’t have a BlackPlanet page in college o_O

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      You ain’t have BlackPlanet in h.s. either??? You aint LIVED until you had a glittery fiery background w/ music and cartoon characters w/ baggy pants on. And on dialup, it’d take 10 FULL minutes for ur page to load. YOU. AIN’T. LIVED!

  • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm keisha brown

    i’m gonna try and keep my post brief (cuz im sleepy and i broke personal records on vsb yesterday lol).

    demanding/asking/expecting a hookup/link from someone.
    sure it might save me time, money or both – but i dont want to be looking over my shoulder, worried the cops will come knockin (maxwell) and frankly i actually want our community business succeed.

    being late. i am a planner (by trade and by nature). time is literally money when it comes to what i do. i’ve done 5 weddings this summer and everyone (including the filipinos and the trinis) ran AHEAD of schedule (which meant more drinkin time). *takes a bow.

    only listening and knowing ‘black music’ (in this case hiphop/rap/r&b/soul/reggae/soca/calypso).

    ok. that’s all i got..for now. ;)

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      these two are me absolutely. I just want to be treated fair, if its fair–meaning I’ve done my research because thats what planners do too ;-) I’ll pay the price, no problem. I hate being late, but I’ve conditioned myself to be late when dealing with certain people because I ESPECIALLY hate being on time when everyone else is late.

    • http://www.max-logic.com max

      Keisha Brown if you’re not asking for hookups you’re not only not Black you’re also not from Toronto.

      • http://www.herlilblackbook.com HLBB

        Erm.

        I also don’t ask for hookups.
        I also don’t go to fetes or go on boat cruises…

        • bajanflchick

          my West Indian detector is goin off here “fetes”…gots to be from the WI*just sayin

        • http://www.max-logic.com max

          bun fiyah on a boat cruise!

          • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

            @Max
            DEAD @ you bunnin fyah pon di boat cruise. esp in lake ontario. at night. with smelly people.
            lol.
            and yes.. fetes is SOOOO WI.

      • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

        BRUAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAA @ Max.
        Pretty much. But technically I’m not. (York Region baby!!).
        hahahahahahaa. that made my morning. :D

    • Nicky G

      Now I have to counter a stereotype….not all Trinis are late. This Trini was always taught to be on time. We are a family of WOMEN who are never late.