Black Card Denied: Stereotypically “Black” Things You’re Just Not That Into
“You’ve never rocked a doo-rag before? Ever?”
This question came about yesterday as a friend and I were having a nuanced discussion about the peculiarity surrounding the idea of blackness. Wait, that’s a lie. We were actually talking about something called a “Dr. Laura Schlessinger“, and the conversation somehow segued to an analysis of women with mustaches (and which occupations they’re most likely to have), morphed to a debate about old men with baby hair, and finally landed on Cheese from”The Wire”. (don’t ask)
As any fan of “The Wire” will tell you, Cheese–a mid-level East Baltimore drug dealer played by Method Man–was perpetually doo-ragged up. In fact, I don’t think there was a single moment in five seasons where Cheese appeared without a doo-rag or hoodie on his head. Anyway, while discussing Cheese’s contribution to the show, my friend made a reference to the acne a loose do0-rag can cause (for the laymen: if you leave the strings hanging down, they can irritate your skin), and that it would be difficult to be taken seriously if you were a drug dealer with adult acne. My reply:
“I wouldn’t know. I’ve never attempted to sell drugs in East Baltimore, and I’ve never rocked a doo-rag”
“What? I don’t believe you”
“You’ve known me for 10 years. When have you ever seen me attempt to sell drugs in East Baltimore?”
“I’m talking about the doo-rag, d*ckhead. You’ve never rocked a doo-rag before? Ever?”
“You sure you’re black, right?”
“No, but my d*ck is definitely black. Ask your wife”
“You might not be black, but you’re definitely gay”
Gayness aside, I was telling the truth. I’ve never rocked a doo-rag or stocking cap before, but for good reason(s)
A) Due to one of my great, great, great Native American second cousins, I was able to get waves without having to wear one.
B) Because of my head size/shape insecurities as a youth, I (rightly) assumed that wearing one would make my head look like a condom.
Anyway, this conversation made me think of a few more stereotypically “black” things I’ve just never really been that into, parts of standard American blackness I’ve never experienced, and other things that might jeopardize my black card membership if word ever got back to the committee.
I’ve never seen Love Jones, Love and Basketball, The Golden Child, The Last Dragon, The Wood, Booty Call, Hav Plenty, and anything Tyler Perry. I finally watched The Color Purple for the first time two years ago, and I’m close to 122% certain I won’t be watching Precious any time in the pre-apocalyptic future.
My reasons for not seeing any of these movies vary from “it just doesn’t look any good” (The Golden Child) to “He’s 5’6 in heels. How the hell am I supposed to believe he’s a great basketball player?” (Love and Basketball)
I’ve never been to Atlanta
Although, thanks to YouTube (NSFW!), I have been to Strokers numerous times.
None of my friends in Pittsburgh have any kids
Wait, let me rephrase that. None of my friends in Pittsburgh have any kids they know of.
Seriously though, I realize some people might find this–there are entire crews of childless, 25 to 35 year old black people floating around–hard to believe, but it’s true. I actually have a theory about how black people with kids and black people without kids usually travel in completely separate social circles, and I’d expound upon it if I actually gave a damn.
I always hated Good Times
The entire premise was depressing, none of the jokes were funny, and I could never make the Bob Beamon-esque leap that John Amos and Esther Rolle would have been able to overlook the 932 year age gap between them to form a loving couple. 900 years? Maybe. But, not 932. That’s just pushing it.
I’ve never purchased an R&B album
Unless, of course, you include Ghostdini the Wizard of Poetry.
I grew up in Southwestern Pennsylvania, went to a predominately white college, played a sport, and only slept with one white woman
And, to be perfectly honest, she was somewhat thick before it was cool for snizzles to be thick–her nickname was “Jabba The Butt“– so she didn’t really count.
I haven’t worn a pair of sunglasses in at least a decade
I’m including this even though I’m not exactly sure how “black” sunglasses really are. Basically, sunglasses are exactly like Rashida Jones in “Parks and Recreation”
I’ve never drank an entire 40
Honestly, I’ve never understood how people can do this. I mean, I can’t even drink 40 ounces of water in one sitting, so how the hell do people drink 40 ounces of beer? Are beer drinkers born with extra stomachs? Is the beer in 40s like cotton candy where it evaporates as soon as it hits your mouth? Is there a prize at the bottom of a 40 bottle? Like, is there a pocket-sized Kenya Moore waiting at the bottom of the bottle for you to rescue her from her foamy hell? Someone (preferably someone from south central Los Angeles) please explain this to me.
I’ve never shot dice
My house has been shot at…
…which basically makes up for everything else on the list.
Okay, that’s enough from me. VSB.com, can you name any stereotypically black things you’ve never experienced, parts of universally accepted black culture you’re really just not that into?
The floor is yours.
—The Champ aka No Alias (because aliases are a bit too black to)