Beyonce Derangement Hyperbole Syndrome » VSB

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Beyonce Derangement Hyperbole Syndrome

Beyonce (Koichi Kamoshida/Getty Images)

 

I met a dozen or so people for brunch Sunday afternoon, a meet-up that was the brainchild of my wife and one of her friends to combine our collective love of bacon and bottomlessness to a need to do something about the disconnect in the Black professional population here instead of just talking about it. The goal is to do this each month at a different location, have the group expand, and possibly even incorporate some organic civic good besides the itis.

So, what did this diverse group of Pittsburghers — a collection of writers, engineers, and politicians and shit transplanted from Orlando and Brooklyn and Denver and Philadelphia and Boston (many of whom were meeting for the first time) — spend the first half hour of brunch bonding over?

Beyonce.

Beyonce gave me my whole entire life last night” said the woman who was recently elected regional president of a national organization — proof that she was, in fact, alive before watching Beyonce on HBO Saturday night.

After I saw her show this summer, I left thinking I could accomplish anything” said the woman who, by her 29th birthday, already had a masters degree from one of the best schools in the country, a business, and a day officially dedicated to her by the mayor of Pittsburgh. This woman has also expressed she’d leave her husband for Beyonce. Coincidentally, I am this woman’s husband.

Those of you on any type of social media Saturday night probably witnessed something similar, where a taped performance of a woman everyone has seen before performing a bunch of songs everyone has heard before caused everyone to, for lack of a better term, lose their fucking minds.

All I need is God, Febreeze and Beyonce” one oddly-worded status message claimed.

This concert is everything I’ve ever needed in my life” said the least ambitious person ever.

Beyonce is an alien, and we are her conquered masses” said someone who I made sure to immediately defriend.

Some even uploaded pictures of the concert on their televisions. Not still images from the concert. But pictures of their actual televisions while Beyonce was on screen.  

This abnormal behavior has become expected, even synonymous with Beyonce events, which makes her historically unique in one regard.

Maybe Michael Jackson was more universal and transcendent. Maybe Madonna was more influential. And maybe Prince made more people ponder questions like “If Prince is the only man I’d sleep with, does that make me gay?” But no one — at least no one in my lifetime — has made people exaggerate the way Beyonce does. She is not just a singer. Her “voice lapdances on souls.” She is not just an entertainer. Her concerts make people “lose their religion and get it back before intermission.” She does not perform. She “snatches wigs and edges and wayward teeth.” She is not just pretty. She is “so fucking flawless it makes me want to leap inside my own mouth in shame.” She is not just a wife and a mother. She is “the reason I started believing in Black love again.

Perhaps this Beyonce Derangement Hyperbole Syndrome is just a byproduct of how social media influences our communication. If everyone is talking about how great Beyonce is, the only way your words will stand out is if you go above and beyond with your description of her greatness. Maybe her work ethic and inability to find a seat has an osmosis effect on her fans. She goes the extra mile with entertaining them, and they go the extra mile with describing her. And maybe she’s just in the Illuminati, and her performances are subliminal instructions to release all earthly possessions and start worshipping Zylot, the groundhog warlord.

And maybe all of this exaggeration aint exactly exaggeration. Maybe Beyonce really does give people the gift of life. Maybe she actually does lapdance on souls. Maybe she will literally snatch your edges.

I don’t know. I do know though, that, if true, she needs to stay the hell away from my wife.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • I view the hyperbolic speech about Beyoncé as similar to the Chuck Norris “facts” from a few years ago. Only with Beyoncé the Beyhive subculture of talking about her like she’s a goddess has gone mainstream.

    • panamajackson

      Don’t forget Jack Bauer.

      • Its Jack Baur “Da Gawd” Sir.

        • panamajackson

          You right. My bad.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Chuck Norris > Jack Bauer

          It’s not even close.

          • Chuck Norris aint NEVER stopped a terrorist attack!! You owe your LIFE to Jack Bauer. JB all day!

            • Sigma_Since 93

              Jack:

              Has never gone toe to toe with Bruce Lee
              Is no Cordell Walker

              Chuck would have saved President Allstate in 30 minutes vs. several seasons…..

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                dead @ President Allstate

              • Bruce Lee vs THE UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE? Not to mention Chuck Norris LOST the fight. Jack captured a sitting president and got him to confess to murder. G.O.A.T Sh#t.

      • I think I missed that trend.

  • cakes_and_pies

    Beyonce turns everyone on social media into Penelope the One Upper from SNL. There are only so many ‘YASSSSS’es to go around until you’re forced to come up with more imaginative superlatives.

    • Jay

      The quote on your Disqus profile is hilarious.

      • cakes_and_pies

        I strive for utter ridiculousness. :-)

        • Jay

          Nailed it

    • Damon Young

      you could just keep adding s’s

  • malik

    Social media is where precision in human language goes to die. Simply saying something is good, or even great, isn’t enough. Everything needs to be talked about as if it’s the most transcendent moment in human history. Coincidentally I think this necessity to live and die by hyperbole is going to kill a lot social media as a tool for movements because when everything is the best or worst thing happening why should I pay attention to anything longer than a week?

    • Damon Young

      so basically, we’re 10 billion boys crying wolf

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Indeed. At all times. So when something serious happens, you always manage to see someone joke about it, because they don’t really believe it yet.

      • Essentially

    • Val

      I agree. I think the hype of social media can cause fatigue. When everyone is yelling and screaming sometimes you just want peace and quiet.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        That’s why you stay away from social media.
        Let’s be honest, if you give stupid people access to something, they will flood the market because there are way more stupid people than there are people who aren’t. With that said, you got two options: toy with it when you want and back away when you don’t want it…or invent something totally new so that it can be private and blend with what you wanted in the first place.

        • Val

          Lol. You speak the truth, Rewind. Stupid is always the majority.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Indeed my Val Maximus…stupid people been taking over things since before Jesus was even aware he could secretly get people drunk with a hand gesture over their water.

        • Jay

          because there are way more stupid people than there are people who aren’t.

          This is the short answer to so many of today’s pressing questions.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Indeed Jay. Before people even finish their sentence, just say STUPID PEOPLE. Ends the conversation ASAP.

    • Wild Cougar

      I find the creative hyperbole on social media fun and amusing. *shrugs*

  • PhlyyPhree

    I went to the concert in person…and still watched the replay on HBO. Twice. Because I came in 45 minutes late on the first airing, so I had to watch the immediate replay that came on right after to make sure that I didn’t miss anything that I’D ALREADY SEEN AT THE LIVE CONCERT I ATTENDED IN JULY and of course after that, I had to watch it the entire way through to see my fav parts again.

    I tried to figure out why I was so spellbound by the performance. The only thing that I could think of was not so much my awe of Bey and her flawlessness, but moreso how I relate to her songs and how they make me feel.

    That ex-factor/song cry/resentment segment had me sending out thee most ruthless drunk texts EVER and I was completely sober….but I wanted to feel.*

    *Not necessarily feel bad, but just the fact that anything could make me remember that depth of emotion is pretty amazing. I have taken the whole “No F*cks given” phenomenon to such an extreme level that I really, give no F*cks”

    Also, I don’t really care what you say… Watching that N-word, in Paris, Performing ‘N-Words In Paris’???? Epitome of black excellence right there folks.

    • Jay

      lol @ “No Fucks given” then the neutered version of n*gga in the next breath…

      • PhlyyPhree

        LOL. Don’t judge me. I hate being moderated. Also, I might be trying to stop saying N-word in real life and well, practice makes perfect.

        • Jay

          No judgement. I get it. “A Few Fucks Given” doesn’t have the same ring…

          • PhlyyPhree

            LOL. Exactly

    • Word about Negroes In Paris. When you create a record so hot that it’s used as a part of a successful campaign for the Presidency of France, that’s saying something.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Watch…one day they will replace the French national anthem with that song.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Man listen. I wonder how the Black French folk would feel; this would be the Redskin situation all over again…..in Paris.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Uh…did you see the concert? Them folks don’t give a fawwwwk
          I’m telling you, Black people have such a low threshold that if they do something messed up but disguised as national tribute, we’d let it go in a heartbeat.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            “did you see the concert?”

            Nope. If it weren’t for the Mrs., I wouldn’t know one song from another. I’m not checking for Mrs. unitard like that.

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              I’ll tell you this. You don’t need to watch THE WHOLE THING. Just look for the where she and her back up dancers are in a lingerie one piece with booty cheeks hanging out.
              I suffered enough but when it got to that point, all was forgiven.

    • When Jay spit that classic line, “they say you cant turn a bad girl good but once a good girl gone bad, she gone forever”, I seen at least 3 women in the room well up in tears. Well done by Jay and Queen Bey….

      • PhlyyPhree

        Man look. As soon as I heard her kick off Ex-Factor, I kicked EVERYONE out of the room with me. Literally. I knew it was coming and I still teared up during that segment. It just… Yea. This is not real life my a$$

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          My wife got mad she sung Ex-Factor……but watch that be the next single tho

  • this is hilarious. i am guilty of posting a still shot, but folks needed to know that it was going down. i have to admit, i did not become a fan until this last album, and her work ethic is unparalleled. i have not jumped all the way on the bandwagon, but i do appreciate her situation.

  • Melvin D. Clayton

    My girl made me watch it…& I got trapped under her light skinned life giving spell. Damn you Beyonce.

  • Agatha Guilluame

    Can We Guess How Big Your Penis Is?
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/alejandroalba/can-we-guess-how-big-your-penis-is#35jphzt

    My Results:

    You got: Everyone says you have a third leg.
    You’re #blessed and everyone knows it. You’re a gifted individual with great assets.

    • Rachmo

      What Kind Of Diva Are You?

      You got: Ice Queen Diva
      You are a very intense person, and are very demanding of the people around you. You want everyone to be on your level, but are resigned to putting up with mediocre people. You tend to be rather cold and distant, and are careful about who you let get to know the real you.

      http://www.buzzfeed.com/perpetua/what-kind-of-diva-are-you#3wn5kal

    • If social media is accurate, there are a LOT of women and gay men who would definitely allow Omarion to let it touch. LOL

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    I watched the concert. And by watched the concert, I mean some enigmatic force took control of my body and forcefully implanted images of superiority and acclamation by the terms Bow Down B I t c h e s.

    I thought the VMAs had done the trick, but no, our lord and savior Besus Christ proved once again, she has died for our sins and reclaimed life many times in order to show a bit more of her booty each time while informing the world that women are to be respected and feared at the same time. Bless thine souls.

    And yes….she will turn your water into Kola Champagne with a House of Derron table coaster attached.

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    Wait, I take it back. I was busy looking at dem nudes from Saturday last night while the concert was on. Glory glory, oh mighty glory.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      nudes???? whaaaaaa??? Where?????

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Meagan Goode
        Kim K.
        Gabrielle Union
        I saved a few on my phone because people on FB & IG are real a s s holes

        • Sigma_Since 93

          I need this in my life. Sharing or it didn’t happen.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            pass that e-mail address, I will not have the FBI hunting me down for posting s h I t

            • Sigma_Since 93
              • Neptunes presents The Clones

                Perv

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  Do you know me like that to be calling me all kinds of names???

                  • Neptunes presents The Clones

                    It;s an observation not name calling. Like when i see a lady with a sweet butt i says all shocks

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      I haven’t seen you around these here parts and we haven’t interacted enough for you to make an observation of me. I’ll show this to the Mrs (that’s right this perv is married and frequently discusses the Mrs in my posts) and opine about why folks do stupid stuff.

                      My point is if you don’t have enough of a sample size to make such an observation my friend.

                    • Neptunes presents The Clones

                      Sigma is married,dang.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      If you knew me you would know that.

                      Cease and Sickle. Better yet have a seat.

                    • Lea Thrace

                      I’m thinking that’s sahel with another name change…

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      Sahel knows that I’m married and would have asked for the pics to be sent to him as well. But then again, giving an email address would be against his code.

                    • Lea Thrace

                      It’s definitely sahel. Check the exchange with Val upthread (or downthread; whatever your fancy).

            • Epsilonicus
            • Kema

              .

        • tgtaggie

          Megan’s t*ts are perfect.. Those things look like chocolate drops. Gabby looked like she is about 32. She must be on that shark blood like pharrell.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            Y’all got me singing Faith’s Soon as I Get Home and barking Can’t Wait like DMX.

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              You’ll be singing some Ja-Rule – What Would I Be Without You in a minute

            • Freebird

              lol

          • So damn perfect yo

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Megan just looks like a doll made of candy. I’m not mad at her for anything she does.
            Gabby…I think Gabby is amazing because of how reserved she comes off, then seeing she’s hiding all that……D-Wade come get yo girl!

            • Sigma_Since 93

              This is what I don’t understand….all these woman know about this thing called a Polaroid camera. All these women have seen nekkid picks of their friends and associates get in the wrong hands. My question is why use a questionable method in the first place??? It’s almost like you’re asking for trouble.

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                Cause they actually believe they are safe as long as they control it on their phone. Which is funny, because of all things, I’d at least expect celebrities to remember someone is ALWAYS AFTER THEIR PRIVATE STUFF.

              • It’s actually hard as h3ll to get a working Polaroid camera and film these days. Not too many people know the company is still in business.

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  Soooo you’re rich with assistants. Instead of having him / her fetch coffee, clean dog droppings, get your dry cleaning, have them earn their keep and buy you a chest full of film. I’m sure Polaroid would thank you for the sales and may even cut you a bulk purchase discount.

        • Epsilonicus

          How does one get ahold of said pics? Hypothetically. For research purposes.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            One types his email address and something may mysteriously appear

            • John Shannon

              go to The Sunk’s TUMBLR page. It is similar to Todd’s

          • John Shannon

            The Megan Good’s were AMAZING!!!! Gabs were aiight, and I haven’t seen KeKe’s- I want to though for obvious reasons

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        They also had nudes of Hope Solo, but her box reminded me of a nuclear warhead silo as its about to open because the President put in the launch code.
        Clearly I wasn’t pleased.

    • Lea Thrace

      That “hacking” ish is foul and such a violation. Ugh.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Foul and a violation? Yes. But not on the level of a Syria violation. Not on the level of Nigeria violation. Not on the level of ISIS. But it was recently called “a hate crime”…to which I strongly disagree.
        I don’t care if anyone likes this bit of truth or not, but as I stated during the nude scandal post, YOU DON’T OWN ANYTHING if you put it on a device connected to the internet. No amount of shaming or calling names will ever change the fact that people act real stupid about their safety until it is challenged. I don’t feel sorry for these women as opposed to someone like you or my sister, because you’re regular women, you have nothing of value that would come of someone stealing your private affairs. But these women…THESE WOMEN..no they are celebrities, and everyday their privacy is being violated. So in my mind, they just put all of their savings in a piggy bank that screamed OPEN ME…and it was not right for the hacker to do so…but it also isn’t right for the paparazzi to hang from a 30-story window to take pics of Kate Middleton nude sunbathing…but it happened, and it will happen again.

        • I don’t understand this response.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            There’s nothing to understand. I ranted.

        • so just because these women are celebrities you don’t feel sorry for them? They are grown women doing wtf they want to do with their cellular devices. If they want to bust it open and send pics to lovers, one night stands, your father, etc. that’s their right to do so without having to worry about said pictures being plastered online for the world to see….

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Yea. Ok. But they also have the paps out every night looking to take their pics, hunting them down outside their homes, etc.

            I’m not sure why the whole NSA situation isn’t enough to let people know there is no such thing as sending your boo a private picture. It isn’t private. Someone is always looking, and whether it is right or not, they can do anything they want once your possession are in their possession.

            You don’t have to agree, doesn’t really matter what you or I think, what is done is done, and if people keep taking nudes and leaving them on their phones and computers, those are going to get caught to. No arguing that.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            I don’t feel sorry because they knew the risks. Disqus ate my other comment but if you’ve got assistants that can run around fetching things for you, have them pick up a few packs of Polaroid film.

          • Freebird

            would you check for (put who ever you choose here) pics if you knew they were hacked an online?

        • Lea Thrace

          So because they get their privacy violated by paps, they should be okay with further violation?

          If that aint about the most bullsh*t laden premise I have heard today…

          Quite a few celebrities do not invite paps to take pictures of themselves. Including some of the women that were hacked. Also, it is very very telling that this incident has focused on women. You mean to tell me no celebrity males have taken nudes that could have been hacked? BS. This is just another way to victimize women that non-celebrities feel they are entitled to own.

          • guest

            Whoever is releasing the pics said that the men are next

            • Well, Omarion is out already. I saw the censored version, and the ladies who saw the uncensored version…understand why Apryl has dude’s name on her neck. LOL

          • John Shannon

            How is that any different than what TMZ- who suddenly in the last month became the Vigilante of NFL Player Misconduct(??????)-, Media Take Out, Bossip, Madam Noire and other tabloids????

            • Lea Thrace

              Not remotely different at all. Which is why I dont buy tabloids or frequent those type of sites.

  • BreezyX2

    VSBs and VSSs…what would yew dew?!?!?

    • Jay

      Shoot the hostage?

    • Get a new significant other

    • Get lost. If you’re married, it’s time to sign #dempapers

    • Take the L and move on with my life without them.

    • LadyIbaka

      The question should be, what would you NOT do. #moneydontgrowontreessooooomuthaeffayoubetterstartfuneralarrangements.

    • Agatha Guilluame

      Do I love him or not? Does he love me?

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