The Best Alcoholic Beverages To Bring To A Gathering Of Black People, Ranked » VSB

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The Best Alcoholic Beverages To Bring To A Gathering Of Black People, Ranked

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(“Best” in this context is defined as “shit that’ll be consumed and gone by the end of the night”)

10. Beer (any kind)

Because people will need something to drink after literally everything else is gone.

9. Ciroc

I’m 94 percent convinced that people only drink Ciroc because it has a cool logo and rhymes with “Barack.” Yet it’s brought to every gathering of Black people, and someone always snatches it up before the night is over. It’s basically the Khloe Kardashian of overpriced vodkas.

8. Bacardi

Is it just me, or is Bacardi always on sale? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bottle of Bacardi sold at full price. Or even anything other than like 70% off. It’s basically the Banana Republic slim fit navy chino of flavored rums.

7. Patron

Are we sure Patron is actually tequila, and not just Tanqueray infused with liquid Splenda? This, by the way, wouldn’t be the first fast one Mexico pulled on us. Like the restaurant Senor Frogs that has nan frogs on their menu. Fool me once, Mexico, shame on me. Fool me twice, and I’m voting for Trump and his wall of matchsticks and Legos.

6. Crown Royal Apple

I wonder if the Crown Royal people are happy so many Black people love Crown Royal Apple, or kinda pissed that so many Black people are buying Crown Royal now that it’ll eventually be known as a “Black” brand, like Cadillac and the Morning After Pill.

5. Andre

Because generous pitchers of mimosas generally make people so happy that they don’t care if the champagne by itself tastes like ostrich piss.

4. Riesling (any kind)

Is the safest wine choice. Because you don’t have to pretend to enjoy it, like people do with Cabernets and other red wines. And Moscato always runs the risk of assholes with ascots snickering at you for “drinking a dessert wine before dinner.

3. Malibu Coconut Rum

Remember, this isn’t a list of the best alcoholic beverages. Just the best to bring to a gathering of Black people. And while Malibu just barely qualifies as alcohol — it’s weak enough to consider using as contact lens solution — it’s a safe choice for those who want to spend the night at the host’s house after pretending they’re too drunk to drive home

2. Hennessy

Because some Black people still really, really, really, really want to be Tupac.

1. Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey

Say what you want about Honey Jack. Which is apparently considered the Jason Derulo of whiskey by people who don’t enjoy nice things. But it’s the only thing that is a guarantee to not be there by the end of the night.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Julian Green

    Just give me some vodka I can pour into this personal pitcher of Blue Kool-Aid; I’m drinking to get drunk, not to taste any of the poison I’m putting in my body!

    • Let’s party together.

    • Other_guy13

      “I’m drinking to get drunk, not to taste any of the poison I’m putting in my body!” That sums up my life

  • Lego

    Honey Jack is an affront to bourbon. Why indulge in something that tastes like whiskey infused with smokey cough syrup? If a sweet drink is needed mix one up.

    • The doors of the church are now open!

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      AMEN!!!!! That is 70 proof liquid diabeetus!

    • Sigma_Since 93

      This is to encourage all the big mommas to use Honey Jack to sweat out colds with vs Old Grand Dad and you can sip a lil on the side.

    • Other_guy13

      How dare you…Honey Jack is a gift from the Gods….http://cdn1.historybuff.com/images/2015/11/09190000/duel-challenge.gif

      • miss t-lee

        Not my God.

        • Other_guy13

          No comment

          • miss t-lee

            It’s garbage, of the hot variety.

      • Lego

        The proper response to Honey Jack:
        http://i.giphy.com/pVAMI8QYM42n6.gif

        • Other_guy13

          I guess…it makes me happy.

    • MsSula

      I do not understand Honey Jack at all. Nope.

  • StillSuga

    Honey Jack FTW! Good solo or with a tanch of mixer

  • miss t-lee

    All of these are trash.
    I want better libations for everyone.

    • Agreed, like rum. Rep your brands people!

      • miss t-lee

        I like rum…but Bacardi? blegh.

      • Sailor Jerry if it’s been a bad week. Don Q for chilling.

        • Qris_10

          Don Q had me heaving over the porcelain throne one time…….never again. Neva!

      • Rum is the only spirit that makes me vomit. All others put me to sleep.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        Kraken. I don’t care if people just out of college love it.

    • StillSuga

      Concur about the Tequila (Patron is NOT for winners) but I guess I have ripple taste for everything else, lol

      • miss t-lee

        Patron is so bad.
        Herradura, Don Julio, Cazadores, and Milagros are my junk.

        • StillSuga

          *daps for alladem especially Cazadores and Milagros*

          • miss t-lee

            Yes lawd.

        • Question

          Clear tequila in general is pretty bad. Can i get some color in it?

          • miss t-lee

            I don’t know what clear tequila you’ve had…lol
            I prefer blancos to respados, or anejos.

            • Question

              Put me up …cuz clearly I’m missing out! (Are we talking mixing or drinking straight?)

              I do like Herradura – not familiar with Milagros. I gotta write that down.

              • miss t-lee

                Both. :)
                If you really wanna step it up. There’s mezcal. I’m barely getting into those, so I don’t have any recs just yet.

                • Question

                  I’m in LA so Mezcal is a big thing here – I love the pepper/spice. I won’t even pretend like I know and start making recommendations. :)

                  • miss t-lee

                    I can believe it. Lots of people getting hip. It packs a punch

                • Cheech

                  Mezcal, like tequila, comes in good and bad. I do not recommend Montezuma. (Which comes in plastic and may be the rail “tequila” at your local watering hole.)

                  • miss t-lee

                    Honey, if I’m not calling it, I ain’t drinking it.

        • MsSula

          Milagros stayed in my cabinet. Smooth as velvet.

          • miss t-lee

            AMEN.
            I’m trying to hip the masses Sula!!

        • Wild Cougar

          NO! Corralejo, Corzo or Jimador when you low on cash.

          • miss t-lee

            Jimador yes…the rest except the ones I named…no

        • RL McGruder

          Agreed with all of this, and I’ll shout out Espolon. Attractively priced and smoooooth.

          • miss t-lee

            I did have this one a few months ago. I wasn’t mad. That and Avion is pretty good too.

      • Coconut 1800.. YAAAAAS

    • HoobaStankyLeg

      Bay Bay. You already stepped up my palate the last time we had this convo. Member?

      • miss t-lee

        Did I? What did you end up trying? :)

        • HoobaStankyLeg

          Don Julio. You were right.

          • miss t-lee

            YAY!!!! I’m glad you tried it. :)

    • MsSula

      Party for the Distribution of Good Drinks.

    • NonyaB

      ? Co-Saaaaghn! No countreh for trashy libations.

      • miss t-lee

        Nann!!!!

    • OSHH

      Me too.

  • Side bar: is any Black person with a graduate degree bougie by default? I’m asking for a friend who disagrees with my claims of non-bougieness.

    • That Guy

      De-lurking to say I have a master’s degree and feel like I have to wear nicer clothes, shop at more expensive places, and drive a nicer car before I can be considered bougie. I buy clothes that fit me well (You’ll never see my trying to rock Wrangler jeans or something), but I wear the same pair of New Balances everywhere unless a suit is required (funerals and job interviews basically). I drive a Civic and I’m happy with it. I never shop at upscale food places like Whole Foods.

      • Wife loves Whole Foods.

        Does shopping at Krouger’s make you bougie? Because that’s where I get my steaks.

      • Gibbous

        I don’t think I’m bougie either. Only buy brand names if they’re the only thing that fits. Get’s clothes at Ross & housewares at Homegoods.

        I did recently come to learn that my salary range is considered “middle class.” It was kinda shocking, though.

    • Val

      Can inmates get grad degrees?

    • Nah. I know attorneys of various races who are hood and redneck.

    • It’s not degrees, it’s behaviors. I’m working on a masters and my wife her MD and we’re part of a wine club. So we’re bougie to the 10th degree.

    • Julian Green

      I have a Masters but I don’t consider myself bougie because I don’t feel self-conscious when I walk to Clifton’s in some dusty timbs and a black sweatshirt I got from Goodwill to get the fried oyster basket.

    • Brandon Allen

      Nah….plenty of those degress ain’t worth ish. You can take online classes at Southwest Mississippi Lutheran State and get a grad degree. Also any degrees in leadership are disqualified.

      • Lutheran State though? LOL Though facts on those grad degrees in leadership.

    • Karine1976

      I will answer by comparing to some of my white higher ups who all have degrees yet still act like they’re still in the dunghole they crawled out of. So my answer is no.

    • Junegirl627

      yes they are but not evil bougie

      • What is evil bougie?

  • TheCollinB

    Has any VSS or VSB had the pleasure of drinking real moon shine or any other home made liquor? The kind of stuff that destroys not only your internal organs but also causes you to destroy physical property?

    • miss t-lee

      I’m from the South…this is like asking if I’ve been to church.
      Corn liquor is not for the faint.

      • TheCollinB

        Well then how often do you go?

        • miss t-lee

          I don’t really f*ck with the shine like that. I have family members who make it though.

      • Val

        Is corn liquor the same as grain alcohol?

        • miss t-lee

          I can’t say for sure?

        • I guess Corn liqour is a type of grain.

        • Cheech

          Basically, yes.

      • CandyIsIt

        Exactly! Corn liquor is like a regular drink where I’m from. The people I get it from make all sorts of flavors – green apple, strawberry, grape – and it’s so smooth you don’t have to cut/mix it. Had some this weekend straight from the jug. #countrygirl

        • miss t-lee

          Whew! I haven’t had any in a while, but seriously…it’s so prevalent in some areas…lol

    • cakes_and_pies

      I have. It’s literally octane. There was some fruit added to it and my dumb butt ate the cherry. I had to lie down after that.

      • miss t-lee

        You ate the fruit? whew chile…lol

        • cakes_and_pies

          I had been soaked for a few months. Never again.

          • miss t-lee

            You only make that mistake once…lol

    • Yes! Da! Oui! Si! i have a mason jar of apple flavored Stump atop my fridge. #becauseSC

      • miss t-lee

        Jealousy.

        • My sisters was told me to make sure I took all of his guns so no one would break in and steal them. I go to his closet and I see a mason jar with an apple floating in it and a light shinned upon my face like I got a 12 piece of lemon pepper wet.

          • miss t-lee

            hahahhaha.
            That’s like when my grandfather passed, we found so many bottles of Turkey in his closet.

      • PhDivaLife

        My folks call it creek water!! #becauseNC

        • TheCollinB

          If the creek is the eternal lake of fire!

          • PhDivaLife

            Chest still burning 10 minutes after the first sip lol

      • TheCollinB

        My boy get his from his pops in old plastic milk jugs with two “X’s” on it. It tasted like what it must feel like to be unloved. I think I cried trying to swallow it.

        • I had some genuine moonshine before once… ONCE!

        • I found mine in my dad’s house after he died. I was riding around North Charleston with shine and rifles wrapped in a blank in the floor boards for a few weeks until I remembered where I was.

    • My great auntie from Alabama sent my mom home with some Moonshine…which she gave to me cause she doesn’t drink lol. It was WILD.

    • Other_guy13

      LMAO….do tell your story

    • The closest I ever did with something like that was Everclear. 24th birthday in Dallas. I don’t remember much but my bro told me I tried to start a fight with some cowboys at a cigar shop and that I was grouped at the bar by some middle aged white lady who said, and I quote, “loves the BBC.”

      I obviously don’t drink like that no mo’.

      • cakes_and_pies

        What did you chase it with?

      • Other_guy13

        I drank Everclear 1 time and I did it straight….I have no idea what I did or how I wound up in Statesboro (from Savannah) or who I was with…or why my leg hurt that next morning…Everclear is bad kids…very bad.

        • brothaskeeper

          I took one shot of moonshine last year. I felt my liver shrinking. I was offered Everclear in college, but I went to a PWI, so I NEVER sipped around wypipo, because they would do some heinous shyt to each other.

          • Other_guy13

            HBCU got left at a PWI…my teammates were bad people.

        • Very, very bad. You don’t even need to drink it. My wife and I went to a Halloween party where they mixed Everclear with slices of fruit. My wife didn’t even have a drink and just ate the fruit for 15 minutes.

          I ended up carrying her home.

          • Other_guy13

            Never talk to those people ever again…after 22 you should never drink that stuff…if it can start your car…do NOT put it in your body…esp after 30….you tryna die?

            • That was my first and last time. I’ve been choosing life ever since.

            • Cheech

              I started an Olds Cutlass convertible with Tanqueray once. Left a big blue cloud in the air. The next morning when we showed up for work, the parking lot still smelled like gin.

              • Other_guy13

                LMAO

          • Amazonian Midget

            Everclear will have you negotiating with God at the end of the night. I’ve been there…

        • I did a triple shot of it on my 20th birthday, and the next thing I know, I’m chilling in my female friend’s apartment sipping coronas

          • Other_guy13

            Did ya stomach and throat have an intervention the next day? That just sounds painful.

            • No, though I somehow burned the inside of my lip with that. When I told my research mentor what I did, he was wondering if I was drinking the lab alcohol.

      • Sounds like a fun night! Though I would have told that girl that I have that Channel 4 because I’m past the BBC! ;-)

    • Quirlygirly

      I have..I didn’t destroy property of anything but I also have a fuzzy memory of the events that happen that night.

    • Gibbous

      I like sipping drinks, so I made a raspberry cordial. Aged it a couple of months in my pantry and it was smooth and warm all winter long.

      Raspberrys
      Sugar
      White Zinfandel
      Vodka

    • Trill Mickelson

      I’ve had green apple, blackberry, lemonade, apple pie, and probably something else, I can’t remember. Some redneck from West Virginia that’s a friend of a friend makes it.

      • CandyIsIt

        Apple pie and green apple are sooo good!

    • RhetoricalReverie

      Yes. It was like drinking fire and I wound up on a bus out of the state.

      • TheCollinB

        You gotta expound on this.

    • MsSula

      Ok, there is a local liquor distilled from palm wine called Koutoukou (or Akpe). It is generally homemade (right next to where the palm tree was cut) and every Unc’ has his own recipe. It has no proofing so you don’t even know exactly how much alcohol you’re drinking. I sipped a on miniature glass once, I am sure my liver got barbecued on the spot.

  • HoobaStankyLeg

    After quoting ‘Double Take’, it got me thinking…..We should have a classic movie night like one Friday out of every month with an open thread. I feel like that would be fun…

    • Other_guy13

      I like the Idea….start it up…I’m sure we will have something for the debates.

      • HoobaStankyLeg

        Yea? Well first we need to vote on which Friday outta the month we want to make our regular, we need a time, and platform the movie can be watched on. Then like every Monday or Thursday, we vote for what we wanna watch…..Chu think?

        • Other_guy13

          Netflix or anything that can be bought at Movie Stop for under $10…First Friday of the month cuz RENT IS DUE…and I always get depressed and stay at home anyway. But Discuss has options so if not on here we can always make a group chat or something.

          • HoobaStankyLeg

            This sounds like a plan. So what’s the first movie going to be?

            • Other_guy13

              Umm…..I gave you all I got…brain’s tapped out.

              • HoobaStankyLeg

                Well, we could start with Double Take, but I really really really want to see Meteor Man. I’d have to order it off amazon though. Holeup, ima do some googles.

                • Other_guy13

                  I vote for Meteor Man…where everyone else at….two people is just a date…and I can’t justify that with bae.

                  • HoobaStankyLeg

                    Well it’s on amazon dvd for $8.15. I don’t see it on any other streaming platform..

                    • Other_guy13

                      Youtube?

                    • HoobaStankyLeg

                      Tried it. It was all those weird links that lead to weird websites. I didn’t even see the option to rent.

                    • Other_guy13

                      I can say this…I will not available October 7th…B-DAY

                    • HoobaStankyLeg

                      ….And I checked iTunes and it’s not available there either…. Well we tried.

                    • Other_guy13

                      How is this movie not available anywhere?

                    • HoobaStankyLeg

                      Well, for starters, people are trash. I’m bouta buy it anyway just in case we ever decide to revisit this idea in the future.

                    • Other_guy13

                      WE WILL DO THIS…just let me clear my schedule one Friday.

                    • HoobaStankyLeg

                      Ok. Well keep me posted, and Happy early B-Day.

                    • Other_guy13

                      Spanks…I’m I can prob do next Friday…i’m boycotting spending money the next 3 months.

                    • HoobaStankyLeg

                      I’m down, but like you said: It can’t be just us. That’s improper. So either we need a different movie for now, or somebody needs to join in on the festivities.

                  • brothaskeeper

                    I’m down!

              • brothaskeeper

                First time should be a double feature, and then choose the movie based on the actor/actress, decade, fame or obscurity of the main actor/actress, theme, etc. Let’s start with a Wesley Snipes double feature.

        • Murphdigatis

          Just check out Black on Black Cinema podcast’s list of the movies they reviewed. Belly would buss it out!

          • HoobaStankyLeg

            I haven’t seen Belly since Nam. You just gon get gully off rip huh?

  • Ugh I hate Honey Jack…Honey ANYTHING really. Too sweet. Bacardi is the DEVIL. Ciroc is iight tho.

    • Agreed. I don’t like my spirits mixed with other mess. If I’m drinking whiskey, its because I enjoy the taste of whiskey.

      • I don’t know why, but I’ve NEVER really enjoyed the flavor of liquor. So, I only drink for purpose…buzz…drunk…turn up, etc.

        • Mr. Mooggyy

          Exactly! I drink Honey Jack for a purpose driven end goal.

  • Val

    If I get invited to Damon’s place I’m bringing my own bottle. Because this list. Lol

    • miss t-lee

      Me too, because I ain’t drinking nothing off this list…lol

    • Damon doesn’t drink this mess. He just knows nigg@s.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        LIES!!!!

      • Damon Young

        i definitely drink honey jack. everything else on the list is a pass, though.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      What u bringing? *grabs personalized red cup from under jacket*

      • Val

        I like to keep it simple. Stoli and little cranberry juice and I’m good.

    • Damon Young

      lol, again, this isn’t a list of the best drinks. or my personal favorites. just the drinks that, at gatherings of multiple black people, always seem to be brought AND consumed

    • Other than the beer this list is trash to me.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Are you drinking Buds or something with more body?

      • American beer is mostly terrible.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Soo does drinking craft or German beers make one Bougie???

          QTNA?

          • TheCollinB

            Yes.

            • Other_guy13

              No….whatchu mean?

              • TheCollinB

                You gotta either gotta be about that life and do research or you’re just picking it up cause the labeling looks cool. Which is how 96% of bougie black people shop.

                • Other_guy13

                  I love them German Joints….Craft not so much…funny taste but it gets the job done and I don’t look like the rest of the pack.

          • Maybe but your bougie azz will be able to digest breakfast in the morning.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              I’m not a beer drinker. My track coach didn’t let us drink in season and it always seemed like you could smell the beer coming through their pores. Then coach would make us run to we gave up lunch as punishment for those who broke his rule.

          • Not really but talking about them insistently does. Hardcore beer enthusiast is on the do not talk to list of with gun store guy, video game store guy, and hip hop purist.

          • brothaskeeper

            I’ve received many a sideways look for swilling a Heiny.

            • Other_guy13

              But it’s good though

            • Junegirl627

              you swill the booty?

          • Mr. Mooggyy

            Whenever I feel like I’m getting too Bougie (every couple of years or so), I go get a deuce deuce of 211 or a 40 to even it out! True shyt!

        • Mr. Mooggyy

          I agree! Yuengling is not bad! There are a few local brews in VA that aren’t too bad! But the mainstream ones are mostly trash.

        • Meh.

        • You haven’t found the right microbreweries yet then.

          • Small batches I can do. Anything you can buy in a can I have to pass on.

        • Val

          The only beer I actually enjoy drinking is Becks.

          • Becks is Heineken’s under-performing cousin.

            • Val

              Lol I actually think Becks is Heineken’s classy cousin but okay.

      • Up your game from Jack Daniels. Your tastebuds will thank you.

  • Mr. Mooggyy

    As a liquor enthusiast and a crown royal connoisseur (at one point I had a embarrassing amount of crown royal bags in my possession), I keep crown to myself, for the most part. If I like yall I’ll bring Ciroc because, Ni99as! If you are aight in my book, Absolute or Tito’s it is! If it is a hood affair, you get New Amsterdam (I will not be drinking that) (keeps personal stash in the car for such occasions)!

    • I have entirely too many crown bags and I don’t even drink it that often. It just seems wrong to throw them away.

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