The Best Alcoholic Beverages To Bring To A Gathering Of Black People, Ranked
(“Best” in this context is defined as “shit that’ll be consumed and gone by the end of the night”)
10. Beer (any kind)
Because people will need something to drink after literally everything else is gone.
I’m 94 percent convinced that people only drink Ciroc because it has a cool logo and rhymes with “Barack.” Yet it’s brought to every gathering of Black people, and someone always snatches it up before the night is over. It’s basically the Khloe Kardashian of overpriced vodkas.
Is it just me, or is Bacardi always on sale? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bottle of Bacardi sold at full price. Or even anything other than like 70% off. It’s basically the Banana Republic slim fit navy chino of flavored rums.
Are we sure Patron is actually tequila, and not just Tanqueray infused with liquid Splenda? This, by the way, wouldn’t be the first fast one Mexico pulled on us. Like the restaurant Senor Frogs that has nan frogs on their menu. Fool me once, Mexico, shame on me. Fool me twice, and I’m voting for Trump and his wall of matchsticks and Legos.
6. Crown Royal Apple
I wonder if the Crown Royal people are happy so many Black people love Crown Royal Apple, or kinda pissed that so many Black people are buying Crown Royal now that it’ll eventually be known as a “Black” brand, like Cadillac and the Morning After Pill.
Because generous pitchers of mimosas generally make people so happy that they don’t care if the champagne by itself tastes like ostrich piss.
4. Riesling (any kind)
Is the safest wine choice. Because you don’t have to pretend to enjoy it, like people do with Cabernets and other red wines. And Moscato always runs the risk of assholes with ascots snickering at you for “drinking a dessert wine before dinner.”
3. Malibu Coconut Rum
Remember, this isn’t a list of the best alcoholic beverages. Just the best to bring to a gathering of Black people. And while Malibu just barely qualifies as alcohol — it’s weak enough to consider using as contact lens solution — it’s a safe choice for those who want to spend the night at the host’s house after pretending they’re too drunk to drive home
Because some Black people still really, really, really, really want to be Tupac.
1. Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey
Say what you want about Honey Jack. Which is apparently considered the Jason Derulo of whiskey by people who don’t enjoy nice things. But it’s the only thing that is a guarantee to not be there by the end of the night.