The Moments When Being a Black Man Is The Shit » VSB

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The Moments When Being a Black Man Is The Shit

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2016 has been a rough year for black men.  We’re about to say goodbye to our first black president, Muhammad Ali died, Jay Electronica still ain’t dropped an album, and there’s a new Madea movie about to hit theaters.  Plus, cops keep shooting dudes that look like us like every week.

It’s with that in mind that we need to take a minute and appreciate the small moments of negritude that make being a black man worth it.  Let’s take a minute and remember why, sometimes, us being us is the shit.

10.) Code Switching with strangers in front of “company”

You know what I mean.  You’re in a meeting with like forty people and it’s you and one other black dude from Accounting and y’all catch each other in line for lunch.  You give the nod, he gives the nod, you ask him how it’s going and he says, “Bruh, I can’t eeeeven call it,” and you know what’s up.

You know what he just said.  He knows what he just said.  But nosey ass Karen from Logistics and thinks-he’s-down Tim from Sales have no idea that now you know there’s layoffs coming in two weeks and the boss is fitna be indicted.

Then, at the end of the meeting you end with the same, “Aiight, stay up” salutation which means, “Hey, don’t get shot by the cops.”

9.) When the weirdo on the bus/train decides not to harass you

You know how it is, you’re on the Blue Line headed north in a car full of Dave Mathews Band fans when the train stops, the doors swing open and Crazy James with the invisible tiger hops on smelling like Wild Irish Rose and hard times poised to panhandle the shit outta e’rybody.  You sink back against the wall, hoping he overlooks you or doesn’t see you because of a combination of bougie black guilt and a lack of cash.

But then for a second, a fleeting second you lock eyes, he peers into your soul and then, almost as if through telepathy, he lets you know, “Not you, bruh.  Not today.  There’s too many Kate Spade bags up in here, so you gonna get a pass.  Don’t get shot by the cops.”

8.) Trying to one-up another black man with complements

Here’s the routine…

You: “How you doin’, man?”

Your Homey: “Maaaaan, I’m just tryna be like you.”

You: “Shiiiiiiit, bruh.  Don’t be like me, I’m tryna be like you.  I see you with them clean clothes on.

Your Homey: “Nah, bruh.  You the one out here doin’ it big shoppin’ at grocery stores and shit.”

You: “C’mon, son.  I seen you on IG stuntin’ in that new Nissan Leaf.”

Your Homey: “Dawg, that was just a rental.  You the one out here not gettin’ shot by the cops…”

It can go on for hours, but the sentiment is priceless.

7.) The morning after a haircut

The immediate moments after a cut suck because you got all kindsa hair remnants in your collar and in your ears and shit and you smell like mentholated rubbing alcohol.  But the next day, after you’ve showered, washed your hair, run the brush across it, and your scalp and forehead are the same color again, that’s the golden time of day.

Very little beats waking up with a crispy line and a wavy taper ready to hit the streets and try to avoid getting shot by the cops.

6.) When the road rager behind you pulls up next to you and sees who he’s beefing with

There’s nothing worse than trying to deal with Google maps trippin’, your wife second guessing you, your kid in the backseat begging for that gotdamned Katy Perry song and then some asshole in a Subaru Forrester tryna break fool because you kinda sorta cut him off when you crossed three lanes of traffic to get to your exit.

Now he’s honking and flashing lights and shit and it’s not like you don’t know what you did, but still…

THEN, he rolls up on you at the light, about to give you a whole earful when he peers across his passenger’s seat and realizes he’s run afoul of the soul.  He calms down and relents and you get back to driving, only really having to worry about getting shot by the cops.

5.) When you’re flying first class and people try to figure out if you’re famous

This is one of those weird moments of inverse proportion, for real.  If you’re in a suit and you’re in the front of the plane, you get no love.  But fly first class in some sweats looking tired, and I promise you someone’s gonna snap a clandestine photo of you, text their teenage daughter and ask her if you’re the guy from that song with that dance or that show with those zombies.

Just play it cool, there’s Air Marshalls up there and you don’t want them to shoot you.

4.) Watching slam dunks

Take a look at this and I promise you’ll feel empowered to take on the rest of your day.

Plus, that’s 4:43 that you weren’t shot by a cop.

3.) When you get the “Hard Day Hook-Up”

A few years ago, when my daughter was still a baby and teething, my wife sent me to Boston Market to get dinner for the family so that she could get a break.  I’d had a job interview that day so I was in a shirt and tie when I grabbed the crying baby and made my sojourn to secure a meal for my family.  Upon my arrival with a delirious child in tow, I placed my order for a whole chicken and two sides.  The brotha behind the counter saw the whole scene, man.  Here I was, looking professional yet disheveled, trying to be both a nurturer and a provider and keeping calm under pressure.

When my order came up, dude gave me the nod and the “come here” head gesture and, when I approached his face lit up…

“Bruh, I see you.  I went ahead and added some green beans and a cake to yo’ order.  You got the family meal now, mayne.  Go ‘head.  Take this big cup too and get you a drank.”

I hope he made manager and I hope the cops haven’t shot him.

2.) When someone fixes you a plate

Ladies, if you fix a man a plate and you’re not related to that man whose plate you just fixed, for the duration of time that it takes to deliver that plate and for him to eat said plate of food, y’all go together.  Bam, girl.  Plate bae.

Plus, you might be saving his life.  That time he’s allowed to stay seated and comfortable are precious moments when he isn’t standing up or being perceived as a threat to a cop that might shoot him.

1.) Using the N-word

Because even if you don’t use it colloquially, the fact that you can use it enhances your enjoyment of music, ability to quote movies, and buttresses your levels of insults.  I’m not advocating for the use of the word, but I am saying that every once in a while I say it to remind me of the limited privilege that comes with being a black man in America.

Saying the N-word, taking MLK Day as a personal holiday, wearing a baseball cap backwards without looking like a douche, and listening to Gucci Mane without irony are the few real benefits of being a black man.

Besides, something’s gotta offset the chance that the cops might shoot you.

Corey Richardson

Corey Richardson is originally from Newport News, Virginia currently living in Chicago, Illinois with his wife and two daughters. Ad guy at work, Dad guy in life, and whiskey enthusiast, Corey spends his time crafting words, telling bedtime stories, and working hard at becoming the legend he is in his own mind. You can read his paternal musings at FatherlyNoir.com where he chronicles his life doing battle with all of the women with his last name.

  • LadyJay???

    #3. Initially read it as hard rock meaning hard on and……oh well.

  • LOL #PlateBae. I fixed my friend a sandwich, and he was like…really moved by it. I’m like “well…I was already in the kitchen making ME a sandwich, why not make you one too?” and he was like “I’ve had people do that to me” …i’m like what in the world?!

    • Hibiscus???

      It’s just the logical thing to do. I can’t eat and my friend is sitting there plateless. We eat together.

    • This girl brought me a beer when I didn’t ask…I almost proposed

      • Shoulda shot your shot, man.

        • Ok rest of the story…we talking for a bit, I’m like “I’m Tristan”, her mood changes……turns out we met a few years ago, I had got her number never called. (In my defense i was chose the first time)

          • Brass Tacks

            You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather…

      • Other_guy13

        Wahhh…please tell me you got the digits.

      • Epsilonicus

        One birthday a bit ago, some random woman bought me a shot at the bar. I straight was shocked. Then I talked to her for like 15 minutes.

        • Hibiscus???

          For 15 minutes then…….

          • Epsilonicus

            Went and talked to other folks in the bar. I was engaged at the time so I was on my best behavior.

        • Other_guy13

          The only times this has happened we *signal lost* and that was a good time…sooo

        • grownandsexy2

          I’ve done that a time or two, then bounced. Faces were priceless. Just paying homage to fine lookin’ BM.

      • Brass Tacks

        Depending on the brand of beer, at the very least you should’ve gave her a promise ring.

      • I did this one time…
        He was at the bar and I’d told the bartender put his drink on my tab.
        Came over and started talking to me but he was boring as hayle.

        The lesson is: looks aint everything.

        • Dee

          “The lesson is: looks aint everything.”

          Preach!

          • PinkRose

            The lesson is, let men do the chasing until you get a title.

            • *ouch
              stepped outside the box once…aint doing it again.

              • PinkRose

                I had to learn the hard way too when I was single. And I KNEW better at the time.

              • Other_guy13

                Don’t let that ruin it for you

              • Epsilonicus

                Welcome to what it is like for men lol. They look cute but once they open their mouth…

                http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/O0oo0.gif

            • Other_guy13

              Nope

            • Kas

              Let the man think he’s doing the chasing. Fixed it for you.

            • kingpinenut

              That advice will not end well PR

              • PinkRose

                Why is that? Real men prefer the chase, so I fail to see the problem here.

                • kingpinenut

                  real men??

                  • PinkRose

                    Yes real men, the kind that know they’re supposed to do 99.99% of the chasing pre-title. Versus soft men, that want to be chased by women AND be the leader of the relationship. Real leaders/Real men, LEAD with words and deeds.

                    • kingpinenut

                      Dangerous path in a world of equality – that real vs soft perspective; or maybe some folks ain’t ready for a world of equality….

                    • pjthelogan

                      Nah, Jay-z feelings on that one. I don’t chase them.

                    • PinkRose

                      You best believe Jay-Z did a LOT of chasing to get his wife back. Or Lemonade mighta’ been a whole OTHER kinda album!

                • “Real men” is a dangerous phrase.

                • Men don’t prefer the chase, we endure it.

        • Other_guy13

          Ouch…he got chose then talked his way out of it….gots to be more careful

        • Kas

          No they really aren’t.

        • Jay Ess

          Was he boring (talking that cornball ish about popular topics with no depth or emotion) or just talking about stuff you couldn’t relate to? I’m always interested in what people find exciting vs boring.

          • A mix of both…
            and he was light voice-ded. EEK ?

            My fantasy died slowly

            • Jamie Harrison

              Light voice-ded. I died. lol

              • PoetrysTruth

                with small “baby hands”? I think I know that dude. LOL

    • I had a girl one time fix me a plate one time and upon delivery, I had to stop the conversation and take in that moment.

      • :( are y’all fellas really out here NOT getting plates fixed? I always thought this was dumb convo cause I always just…kinda did it.

        • Hibiscus???

          They just out here exaggerating, what they gon do if they plate was fixed, when they been on and off with that girl that loves them (dumb on her part too) and they ain’t never proposed. Phak ourra here, talking bout a plate of what, FOOD

          • TeeChantel

            I’m actually sitting here thinking like….what? Honestly, I don’t see it as that important of a gesture… I mean, I do it, but I don’t put too much emphasis on it. Maybe that’s why I’m not a man.

        • Other_guy13

          Nah…been getting that for a while…mom’s taught me how to pick em.

        • Yes. Next question. I think I can say that’s happened twice since I’ve divorced, and I’ve been divorced over 3 years now.

          • That’s wild. IDK… some of these women just sound mean about it. to ME…if I’m already making MY plate…what’s 30 more seconds to make someone else’s plate?

            • Negro Libre

              Well, I think the general idea especially about what we routinely call “traditional values” when they have to do with male and females, is that most traditional values customs, especially those that favored men, were done because they were forced upon women. That if women had the choice, they wouldn’t have chosen to do it.

              It’s similar to the trend I see nowadays, where there’s a certain level of creepiness or irritation in social media when we see older men posing with younger women, but a sense of empowerment and admiration when we see the roles reversed. If it’s new it’s authentic, if it’s old it’s status quo and coercive.

              http://ucy.tv/uploads/images/may-you-live-in-interesting-times1.png

              • I guess I just don’t get how two people can live together…and act like the other person doesn’t exist at meal time. That’s odd to me.

                • LMNOP

                  Right? I’ll fix a plate for anyone who happens to be over when I’m cooking.

                  • Nik White

                    Someone was surprised that I fixed my BF’s plate and I was like but HE COOKED. And please know that he has fixed mine as well when he cooked because courtesy/manners/that’s how we do.

        • PinkRose

          It’s (southern) home training versus none at all IMHO. I think we debated this previously on VSB.

          • I’m from NY tho…I think it’s just a courtesy.

            • LMNOP

              And just normal, unless someone has dietary restrictions why wouldn’t you fix them a plate?

              • I’m trying to understand the logic…but I’m finding NONE.

            • Blueberry01

              Are you from NYC, LI, Westchester, or upstate?

              • Upstate.

                • Blueberry01

                  I figured that you weren’t from the City or adjacent areas of it. There’s nothing wrong with being from Upstate; but, the pace of living, and ultimately how people respond, is starkly different than the city.

                  Upstate NY mirrors more suburban – and even some cases, rural – living of southern and midwestern America. Thus, the value system of being more “polite” (i.e. fixing other people’s plates) is more likely to be embedded in the culture.

                  • MSNY

                    True as a Southerner, I also found upstate to be similar. NYC whole ‘nother beast.

        • DB. Just DB ™

          Before we had kids my wife never fixed a plate for me. No now that I think about it she’d fix a plate but would leave it on the counter or stove and make me go get it. I think her exact words were “Your arms and legs work. You can come get this plate.” Something that I will say I’ve never had a problem with. There was no plate fixing/delivery in our house growing up.

          Now that the little ones are here she’ll bring a plate occasionally while I stay with the kids. Either that or we’ll just all get up and migrate to the kitchen.

          • MsSula

            Ok, it’s probably because I grew up eating dinner together sitting down that this seems strange to me. And it is the same way in my house now.

          • I know that’s your lady and all…but…she sounds petty.

        • Blueberry01

          I think it may be regional-specific, too.

        • Terry O’Neal Jr.

          The first time a real woman fixed a plate for me I gave her a ring no joke. That was 16 years ago. They don’t make them like that any more so I locked mine down.

          • It’s crazy how mean some women are. I mean, maybe they don’t see themselves as mean…but IMO you gotta be mean and petty to be fixing your plate and not at least offer to fix a plate for the ppl around you.

        • Chile… everybody is struggling..

          I fix plates.. but when it comes to men…only my daddy and husband.. kids, my Mami and sister…of course

    • La_Dee_Da

      LOL @ Joe and Trista …. I guess the saying is true.
      A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!!! I think I’mma just start cooking for folks and see what comes of it.

    • wypipo

      Right?! I served an old guy some boiled peanuts in a red Solo cup at a tailgate, and he said, “Now I know you was raised a LADY.”

      • LOLOLOL you made his whole day

      • Helga G.Pataki

        lmao

    • Tambra

      Ok. So what is so special about fixing someone a plate. Their hands crippled?

      • Hibiscus???

        Stop it. Fixing a plate is gracious.

        • Tambra

          I am dead serious.

          • Hibiscus???

            Fixing plates to me ain’t serious. Like at all. No biggie.

            • Tambra

              I keep seeing as referred to as something special and I just do not get it.

              • Hibiscus???

                Me too. I don’t get it. Maybe it is here in the Americas.

                • wypipo

                  I’m old enough to remember when fixing the men’s plates was mandatory (growing up in the South c. 1970’s). Now that behavior is pretty rare. So if I go out of my way to do something so old-fashioned, it’s understood as an intentional, un-coerced show of affection.

                  • Hibiscus???

                    Hmmm, okay oo.

                    • Tambra

                      Cultural difference and we leave it at that. Still do not see it though.

      • It shows you are anticipating their needs and are catering to them. It implies intimacy.

        • Hibiscus???

          Not to me. I can fix you a plate and you will still remain in the friend zone.

          • That’s because you enjoy playing with men’s emotions. That’s petty and savage at the same time.

            • Hibiscus???

              What are you talking about? I ain’t playing with nobody’s emotions. Where I come from, women serve. Not a big deal, like reallllllly. And I am not forced to.

              • What magical land do you come and what is the unicorn population there?

                • Hibiscus???

                  Africa.

                  • OK, I understand now.

                    Fixing plates is a black American ritual. I think Damon probably wrote an article about it sometime ago.

                  • Other_guy13

                    Makes sense now

                  • WenzelDashington

                    Exactly. Men would go out find, chase, and kill dinner for the village. So fixing the plate is just an inbedded feeling of completion that man provided for the family. How mothers feel about newborn babies is how men feel about women fixing their plates.

                • Diego Duarte

                  I don’t get the gist behind fixing someone a plate, but I can appreciate the reactions. I’m out of breath laughing at this thread.

              • Negro Libre
        • Tambra

          By spoiling them? Ohhh Kay.

        • BrownBearBear

          See, I can’t cape with that. I’ve fixed many a plate for friends. Especially at dinner parties I host. I like to cook, and when I throw something down on the table, you ain’t messin’ with my presentation. Stay the hayle outta my kitchen.

          • But we’re not talking about hosting, bu like a BBQ/potluck type of context. You don’t see a difference?

        • Wild Cougar

          I anticipated your needs by not just making enough for myself. Everybody fix their own plate. I like Brussels sprouts and I know somebody else gonna skimp so I’ll get it myself

        • Negro Libre

          Hmm, I don’t think it’s truly meaningful outside of the fact that it’s scarce.

          I remember I used to hold doors and chairs for men and women as a kid, and never thought two seconds about it. Now, it’s considered gentlemanly and high-brow to do that for a woman. It’s like the story about the Tulip Bubble, when society is going nuts, certain things grow in value, even though in reality, they aren’t that much.

        • LMNOP

          Or that it’s time to eat, here’s your food.

          • I can feed myself, but the fact that Mrs. MM wants to see me fed is intimate. I don’t understand why people don’t understand this.

            • LMNOP

              I don’t know, I’m single lol, feeding people is a nice but pretty normal part of my life. I’m glad it’s extra nice for you though.

            • DB. Just DB ™

              My wife has told me that she really enjoys seeing other people enjoy her food. It’s part of her love language I guess.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        if you won’t cousin Faith will……………..

      • I mean…I just did it cause…I was already doing it. Seems dumb not to.

        • Tambra

          Oh.

    • Women fixing sandwiches. That’s fun. Doesn’t happen often, but it’s great!

      • LOL what is happening? How…

        • Negro Libre

          Lol, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to…hehe

          • But I need answers? I wanna know how it flows. Cause if my man cooked dinner and sat down at the table without a plate for ME…I’d be so salty.

      • Sandwiches always taste better when my wife makes them. I don’t know why.

        • DB. Just DB ™

          Truth!

        • HoneyRose

          One time I was mad when I was making dinner. When I was finished, my husband was like “I ain’t even hungry no more. That food don’t have no love in it.”

          I was like whaaaat?

          • MsSula

            LMAO. So true.

        • The touch of love.. it’s proven. ?

      • It tastes better.

    • laura

      Even white girls know the magic of fixing a plate. Thats how we knew granma was really mad at grandpa. She would make him get his own plate. Not really, though. He was 70. He didnt know how to fix a plate anymore. One of us grand children would swing into action.

  • Other_guy13

    “You know what he just said. He knows what he just said. But nosey a$$ Karen from Logistics and thinks-he’s-down Tim from Sales have no idea that now you know there’s layoffs coming in two weeks and the boss is fitna be indicted.” https://cdn1.lockerdome.com/uploads/986778b79877dc5ff63a2812433029f7419c14ccf0f5aeb1f91169a6de58c418_large

    • Cleojonz

      It’s always a Karen or a Linda too isn’t it? Lol.

    • This reminds me of some feedback I had to give to a friend who was trying to recruit a white teacher to work at my school with nearly 100% poor black children.

      I talked to her for five minutes and she told me everything about myself- how #blacklivesmatter, how she had this one black teacher she worked with that she loves and respects, and have I read his blog? And these books and anti-racist theorists? And it’s also unfair that black children can’t get a great education and that she’s sure I’m doing my very best to counter it and that I probably use these teaching techniques in my classroom and such.

      I left and told my boy not to hire her under any circumstance. She treated me like a fetish to be mastered, rather than a human being to be understood. Her room for growth would be between limited and non-existent because she values being “down” and informed over remaining curious.

      https://hhharris.wordpress.com/2016/10/01/the-profit-motive/

  • Other_guy13

    How 10 and 7 are not 1 and 2 I don’t know…we beefing Mr. Richardson….http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/jkbruh.gif …JK Great article.

    • Corey Richardson

      #1 is always gonna be #1. Even for the most conscious ones of us out there, #1 matters.

  • NonyaB?

    Sniggled at “There’s too many Kate Spade bags up in here, so you gonna get a pass”.

  • MsSula

    That next day haircut confidence is hilarious to see. And so real. Loll

    • NonyaB?

      Right? When they’re dropping the fresh as they they go about that otherwise very mundane day.

      • MsSula

        They are smelling themselves and wearing the nice shirt, the good cologne. The whole 9! Lol.

    • Hibiscus???

      Shooooo. When I had short hurr, once my barber was done, I’d put that red lip on and rip the runway (runway was in my head oo)

      • MsSula

        Can’t wait to go back to that! About to re-big chop after 10 years. Excited!!

        • Hibiscus???

          I did that 2 years back I believe, and my barber for one hour refused to chop it all off. He wanted me to think about it real good. I was like my dude, It’s just hair it will grow back. And if it doesn’t, the God of Sarah, Job, and the rest who waited upon Him for years still liveth. Glory.

        • grownandsexy2

          Mine been chopped for 14 years.

          Barber: “how close you want it?”

          Me: “As close as the law allows.”

          No bad hair days, no running when it rains, swim without a cap.

          All without getting shot.

    • The FCC be real, I be actually looking forward to getting dressed for work and sh t

      • Epsilonicus

        Its the only day I look forward to going to work and ish lol

    • That next day cut…

      PHOTOSHOOT FRESH & bangin flat out fabulous lip. All smiles

    • Other_guy13

      It got me through lunch today…and tomorrow my b-day….can’t tell me shidddddddd

      • MsSula

        Happy Birthday!! Libra season in full swing!

        • Other_guy13

          Ayeeeeeee!!!! Lol thank you

  • PinkRose

    Black men in white coats and potential future colleagues in this one:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6769e8e188c7f956968dea5e8c060cd0eca76e54d298ee6e4f08d0f19fb5c7ba.jpg

    Plus, these brothas are from Haaaaavard!

    • Nik White

      If y’all could see me standin up and up voting this right here.

    • ms. nylahou

      I love this picture. But it also breaks my heart knowing how hard it’ll be when they’re out in the real world. How spectacular they’ll have to be for equal treatment to their mediocre peers. The low key racism they’ll have to deal with at work, and the psychological toll that’ll take over time. Feeling like there isn’t a path up in your company. Getting a less experienced manager promoted over you. Having to break out on your own to get to level that you envisioned in school before you turn 50 and spent decades slaving for a company that underappreciated you. Maybe I’m jaded — heck, I’m an ivy leaguer too — but that’s the truth that’s rarely talked about or addressed.

      • PinkRose

        ALL this right here is da’ truth!!!

        But what’s going to really shock young Black folks as they move through their careers is the fact that many times, the person with their foot on your neck isn’t White. It’s the uncle Tom/Aunt Tomasina pretending to be “down”, but who is throwing you under the bus while kissing the a $$ of the (non Black) person in change.

        So to all the young folks in Metro DC or heading there thinking it’s this great Black utopia, my best piece of career advice is to watch your back!

        • ms. nylahou

          That is SO TRUE. Some of the worst ones holding me back in my career were fellow people of color.

          My Hispanic boss acted so down with me — especially after I didn’t get a big promotion. Turns out, he barely pushed for me to get it (according to an Indian manager/friend who was also in the room…told me years later).

          A Jewish mentor (a fellow “minority”) also acted like my buddy, but was telling everything I said about not feeling challenged to my boss’s boss. I can go on and on. Like how white women managers try to act all friendly with you, but are the *absolute worst* to work for. They act like they own you, and get so butt hurt when you try to spread your wings. Run.

          So kids, watch who you talk to and don’t trust the people have your back — especially the ones that smile to your face. I wish I knew this early on.

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    I’m not diesel by any means, but I typically get a seat on a crowded train to myself. Especially in “non diverse” areas.

    • Val

      It’s definitely a situation when you can use someone else’s bias in your favor.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        The few

  • Val

    Having a plate made for you is a wonderful thing. Conversely making a plate for someone you love is a pleasure too. I guess it’s a primal thing?

    • Other_guy13

      Plate Bae is my number 4

    • Wild Cougar

      Eh. I always find it awkward cuz they don’t make it like I would.

      • Val

        That’s just because they don’t know you well enough. Takes time. Once they really know you they’ll make it just right. :-)

  • #8 is always so funny because we are so weird with compliments, so it’s always some allusion to balling or having all the heauxs

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      and I quote…..

      You: “Ni99a, where they at tonight?”

      Homie: “Man, please! I’m not the one with all the Bishes on my line”

      You: “Naw Ni99a, that’s you! I remember last time we went to the spot and you had all the h0es on you, giving you hugs and shyt!”

      Homie: “Sheeeeiiit! What about the night we was at the bar and them three fine joints was all up on you”

      You: ***Ni99a Giggles***

      • BmoreLikeLA

        ni99a giggles is my new fav

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      It’s like a reverse dozens, hilarious. And Nigerians do this the best.

      • NonyaB?

        LOL. Spent some time around some of them?

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          Lol.

          At the job, Two grown Naijas were in chatting. One had a birthday party for her elementary age child and dude was like

          Why you not invite me?

          African #3 chimed in about not getting an RSVP either.

          That’s when it started.

          I had to leave the floor to catch my breath.

          • NonyaB?

            Are you 9ja too?

            • Brooklyn_Bruin

              Technically/genetically aren’t a lot of us? Lol

              Naija by way of Jamaica by way of Brooklyn.

              But not really.

              • NonyaB?

                Which I assume = child of 9ja and Jamaican who was brought up in Brooklyn. Or Brooklyn-bred Jamaican surrounded by Naijas.

                • Brooklyn_Bruin

                  The latter. I’ve got a boy from London town who has the reverse experience.

      • Oluseyi

        “Where is the lie, tho?”

    • Amen

      Me and one of my best friends have been addressing each other by random titles for the past 10 years. Ambassador, Colonel, Potentate, Bishop, etc. I’m convinced dude has started calling me with a thesaurus in hand.

      • Damon Young

        lol

      • Reemo

        Had to google Potentate. I was about to say that your friend got over on you. I stand corrected.

        • Oluseyi

          Just about nothing Nigerians love more than titles.

          • Amen

            Speaking opportunities.

            • Oluseyi

              I’m not sure, mang. You know the reason Nigerians get all them advanced degrees is because of the social ranking that comes with them, and don’t let it be a Ph.D because now you also got the title, “Dr.”

        • Nik White

          I learned that one from the Flintstones I think.

      • Brass Tacks

        Gots to be on point with the proper nouns.

        -Pimpin
        -Playa
        -Playboi
        -King
        -Champ(no relations)
        -God(some relations)
        -Lion
        -Inquisitor
        -Admiral
        -Doctor
        -Professor

        • I call everybody champ, lol
          I’m trippin on Inquisition tho

          • Brass Tacks

            I started calling Brothas “Inquisitors” because to me, It defines what the Black male purpose is in the US.

        • Amen

          Bruh.

          Prince
          Duke
          Viceroy
          Lord
          Apostle

          All dat. lol
          Also I’ve been called nearly every military title there is. Admiral is my favorite.

          • Brass Tacks

            Admiral is my go to when i’m feeling patriotic. Not as commonly used as other military titles yet still powerful enough to be demand respek without explanation.

          • MsSula

            Not Viceroy!!! *crine*

          • Nik White

            Apostle?!
            Viceroy?!
            I’m crine…folded up…with tears and er’thang

        • Charlito Brown

          And don’t forget to refer to yourself in the third person as “ya playa patna.”

    • Stanley

      Son, #8 is my life.

    • #8 is Nas’ and AZ’s first verse from “The Essence”

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EftYbuZaW9U

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