Being A Husband Means You Kill The Maggots » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

Being A Husband Means You Kill The Maggots

VSB

 

Like many other public speakers, the pastor at my church loves to use metaphors and analogies when he speaks. A reading from scripture where Jesus played pick-up basketball with Paul is really a lesson about sacrifice. A story about that time John the Baptist got sick after eating too much kettle corn is really an allegory about God’s will. The entire book of Ecclesiastes is really a prequel to Chasing Amy. Etcetera, etcetera.

I also enjoy using analogies to provide context for certain points. Because it can help people better understand what you’re talking about. And also because they’re fun. I’m sure of few of you reading this looked at the title and assumed it was a contrived metaphor about marriage. “Kill the maggots” really means “not allowing little stuff to harm your relationship” or “making sure all exes are out the picture” or “taking care of problems before they grow into larger problems” or “keeping jealous people out of your circle” or something.

And if you did make that assumption, you were wrong.

“Kill the maggots” is not an analogy. It means that when you’re a husband and you go shopping with your wife and you buy dog food and you empty the dog food in the dog food bin just like you always do and your wife gives the dog some water in his bowl a few minutes later and she just says “Hell no” real calm three times in a row like she’s in a trance and you ask her what’s wrong and she says “There are maggots in the dog food, Damon. MAGGOTS!” and the “Hell no“s turn into “Fuck no“s, you know it’s your job to throw away the maggot-infested pack of dog food, empty the maggot-infested dog food bin and dog bowl into a garbage bag without spilling any of the contents, throw all of that away, and clean the bin and the bowl.

One of the most underrated parts about being a single man is that it kinda allows you to be a bitch about certain things you wouldn’t be a bitch about if there was a woman around. For instance, let me tell you about the first time I saw a stink bug. It was 2007, and I saw one sitting on a chair in my dining room. Remember, I’d never seen one before. And, if you’d never seen a stink bug before, the first time you saw one you’d probably assume it was roach. Which is what I did. And since I assumed it was a roach, I just said “Fuck it” and took the entire chair to the dumpster. There was no chair cleaning. Just “Oh shit. A roach is on my chair, and this means this chair needs to get thrown the fuck away.” I’d rather deal with the cost of a new chair than be a roach assassin.

I’m a husband now, though. And this means that when maggots are in the dog food bin and bowl, I can’t just throw everything away. Because married people put themselves on budgets so they can buy that nice rolling bar for their alcohol they saw at West Elm last weekend, so they can’t buy new shit they don’t need to be buying. Nope. I have to clean the bin and bowl, which means I have to kill the maggots myself. Because being a husband means you have a wife. Which means you can’t be a bitch anymore.

(Oh, and fuck Beneful.)

Filed Under: , ,
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Whomever I marry will be the designated spider-killer as well. No church in the wild and all that stuff.

    Were you able to get a refund for the maggot-infested dog food? Contact the BBB or something?

    • Damon Young

      Yes, we were. Gonna get it today.

  • AlwaysCC

    killing spiders was discussed in our pre-marital counseling. i will not do it – that is my husband’s job. i wanted to add it to our vows. my son is now being taught to kill spiders and throw them away without alerting mommy to their existence in the house. lol

    we had maggots in our outside trash bin once. my husband told me about them AFTER he had gotten rid of them (I have no idea what that entails).

    oan: maybe i missed a post about it, but what happened to your cat?

    • h.h.h.

      oan: maybe i missed a post about it, but what happened to your cat?

      i think it was Panama with the Garfield situation

      • AlwaysCC

        ahhhh i knew one of them had inadvertently acquired a feline!

    • Damon Young

      I was actual catsitting for a while. But, i’m no longer catsitting.

  • BlueWave1

    I honestly think my wife has an undiagnosed case of arachnophobia. So needless to say I kill all spiders and anything that looks like a spider. This past summer our house seemed to be a magnet for hornets. And a couple actually got inside. Who do you think was tasked with going after them? The irony of it all is my wife spent part of her early childhood growing up on her grandfather’s farm. They had hogs, chickens, and everything. She is very used to being around animals and bugs. But even she has her limits.

  • Tish Harris

    I’m glad you were a big boy.

  • camilleblu

    erm…i’m single and i can’t kill any bugs. outside of ants – but only if they are the little brown ants – not those big azz black ones that look like they are on steriods. (shudders) i have a supply of plastic cups designated just for critter disposal. so, when i spot a creepy crawley of any kind, i trap it under said plastic cup and i just leave it where it is (middle of the living room floor, kitchen counter, etc.) trapped under the plastic cup, until it dies. then i slide some newspaper underneath the cup (just it case it suddenly comes back to life – like a roach can do – i don’t want it jumping out at me) and i throw everything away in my outside trash can. fin.

    • Aly

      I hate it when you see a bug, go and get your plastic cup, bug spray or whatever, come back and the darn thing has disappeared! Happened to me yesterday smh. I looked away for five seconds and it was gone!

      • camilleblu

        lil speedy azz phuckers -_-

      • Meridian

        That is EXACTLY why I have a broom in my room in easy reach. I always immobilize them with it or keep them under it while I get my stomping shoes.

        • camilleblu

          lol…why do i picture some 1920’s style heavy azz untreated leather shoe with a big block heel??

          • LMNOP

            That sounds like an amazing pair of bug-killing shoes.

            • camilleblu

              i bet she puts those shoes on and transforms into a bug-killin’ super hero…we must give her a name – #Shoestopper, #Crittercreeper #Madamestompalot

          • Meridian

            New Balance 574’s

            • camilleblu

              i don’t know why this cracked me up…

              • Meridian

                =x As women, we have shoes for everything. 574’s are both comfortable and have firm soles which makes them perfect for the occasion.

        • Andrea

          What do you do with the shoes after? That’s one of my problems with the shoe. a) I feel like I might hear or feel squish b) what do you do with the shoe after? Cuz I would have to throw it away. I can’t afford that.

          • Meridian

            I never feel the squish because they have a considerable amount of cushioning in them and the soles are so thick. I don’t hear the squish because I always turn music on, yelp when I step to cover the sound, or I mostly do it on the carpet. They’re in a designated area in my room that I never walk in or move them out of.

            • Andrea

              CLEVER!!!!

        • Amazonian Midget

          You can also throw the shoe. Just make sure it isn’t on a window or else you’ll have to replace it. Don’t ask how I know.

      • cakes_and_pies

        I caught a palmetto bug under a cup and it was tapping on it like ‘Let me out!’ I just stepped on the cup and vaccumed the crime scene.

    • Melissa

      My method is to suck them up with the vacuum and cry when I see the thing crawling around in the canister. I modify this method for centipedes by crying a lot more and flinging small furniture around to find the thing that scurried away while I was five rooms away getting the vacuum. *HEAVES*

      • camilleblu

        girl…i used to use the vacuum as well – until i read that sometimes the critters don’t die in there and can actually breed inside the canister. *GAG*

        • SR

          The idea of them living in the canister?!? My skin will be crawling for the rest of the day ????

          • camilleblu

            #staywoke

        • LMNOP

          So can you vacuum up something else that kills them? Like comet or something? This is my go to for ceiling corner spiders and little spiders I see while I am vacuuming.

          • camilleblu

            lol…girl i dunno. just the thought of possibly seeing a slew of newly breeded critters spilling out of my vacuum cleaner was enough for me to say NOAP. gots to be a better way.

            • LMNOP

              Yeah, thanks for the mental image. Next time I empty out my vacuum I’m probably going to start screaming.

              • camilleblu

                lol…sorry

          • camilleblu
            • Kozy

              What the….?

              Either kill it with fire or vacate the premises. Possibly both.

            • Rachmo

              CAMI whoa whoa WHOA

            • IcePrincess

              Welp, thanx for the nightmares I’m sure to have tonight. Preciate it ????

              • camilleblu

                if it’s any consolation, i have a recurring nightmare about a spider coming down from the ceiling and landing on my face.

                • LMNOP

                  Probably from looking at all these scary giant spider gifs…

                  • camilleblu

                    hahahahahahaha…

            • BURN THEM! SHOOT THEM! KILL THEM WITH FIRE!

                • AlwaysCC

                  i will neither confirm nor deny that i repeatedly yell “die” while spraying a bug with the nearest aerosol cleaner, air freshener, or hair product

                  • Ms TLC

                    I keep spritz or any “super-duper” hold hair spray around, JUST to kill bugs. It’s like glue to their wings/legs/innards… makes it easier catch them and kill them.

                • pls

                  it was a spider in my classroom today and i asked the student who sits next to my desk to kill it for me. he looked and said hail nawl!

                  then the boy who hits on me everyday came to my rescue. thank god for teenage hormones!

            • uNk

              As a man…..im not afraid to say id probably die right there, like right right there, no bites or nothing….*shrugs shoulders*

              • camilleblu

                #lissen – i wouldn’t be mad at my #bae for not fuggin with this bc i would absolutely faint if i walked in a room and looked up and saw this foolishness.

              • Meridian

                lmaooo. Real men admit their shortcomings so that the woman can know what she’s getting into. At least we know to run because that’s what you’re going to do.

                • uNk

                  Lmao…but check….anything else? Im on it!! lol i got you…..but like a big azz tarantula… Eye Own Eem Know lol

            • menajeanmaehightower

              If i ever see a puppy spider or any spider that is near that size, i swear for God, i’m leaving my home. I’m not packing ish. I will up and leave.

              • camilleblu

                lol @ puppy spider. but yeah…i’d leave too. ain’t shyt i gat worth fighting that legion of monster spiders over. they can have it all.

                • menajeanmaehightower

                  You and i can leave our homes together.

                  • LMNOP

                    I killed 2 wolf spiders last month. The things we do for people we love and want to stop screaming…

                    • Meridian

                      Girl, you have the worst luck. Cicadas, centipedes, and wolf spiders??? You live in Australia. Don’t live in Australia.

                    • camilleblu

                      you killed 2 wut??? no ma’am. i mean…i would be like..welp..i was gon move anyways.

                    • Amazonian Midget

                      Do you live in Missouri??? Sounds like what I see during the summer.

                    • LMNOP

                      Nah, PA. To me it was just a giant azz scary looking spider until one of my neighbors pointed out a wolf spider in a vacant house and told me to keep my kid away from it since it’s venomous. And I was like “I know that spider. I just killed it’s dad in my kitchen last night.”

            • i hate you. nothing good will come to your life if you continue to post things like this

              • camilleblu

                lol….you know i lub you bunni

              • AlwaysCC

                for whatever reason, the picture is not showing on my screen…it’s like she just mentioned it and forgot to post the pic. *vows to NEVUH refresh*

            • h.h.h.
            • pls

              hxll no. hxll no. hxll no.

              fcuk that shxt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            • Amazonian Midget

              I don’t even know you but I hate you…for this picture. *praying that God removes this image from my brain before I go to sleep*

          • Meridian

            Omg does that work? I never used the vacuum because I assumed they’d just crawl back out.

            • LMNOP

              I am going to google it and let everybody know.

              • LMNOP

                According to the internet there is a special product called a bug vacuum, designed just for killing bugs.

                • Meridian

                  o/

                • Andrea

                  Thank you for doing this research. I am so thankful. Why didn’t I ever think to look for this. Amazon has like a bizillion variataions of these. This is genius. I love the reach and distance the vacuum gives me. But I don’t want to have to think about it in the vacuum.

                  “The innovative and light weight new BugZooka lets you keep your distance and avoid bug squish and splatter”

                  Brilliant. I don’t do squish. Yuck. And I certainly am not into s?p?l?a?t?t?e?r?.

            • camilleblu

              meridian…girl…PLEASE heed my warning…them thangs can breed inside the vacuum. #DONTDOIT!

              • LMNOP

                Sometimes she just leaves them in the corner overnight though. A vacuum can’t be much worse.

                • camilleblu

                  y’all better get with my death by plastic cup method…smh…

                  • LMNOP

                    I had a mother fucking CICADA in my room this summer. It was too big to kill, I swear it was the size of a small bird. I caught it in a kool aid pitcher and brought it outside. I will never use that pitcher again.

                    • camilleblu

                      *nods head in solidarity*

                    • Meridian

                      NO. nope. nooooooope. I would freak tf out. I hate when cicadas are out. I can’t even imagine. I always drive with my windows up when they’re around because I for sure am jumping out of the car if one ever got inside.

                    • Speaking of, a dragonfly flew thru my car window one day and i basically swerved to the highway shoulder and cried till a man pulled over and asked me what car trouble i was having and i was like THERES A BUG ON MY STEERING WHEEL JESUS HELP ME

                      (i’ve never driven with the windows down since)

                    • Meridian

                      lmao! That would be me awl the way. I already know I’m causing an accident pulling over so I keep the windows up during insect vacation seasons.

                    • Amazonian Midget

                      I was riding with my mom and when I pulled the seat belt out to get safe and all…A SPIDER crawled out! I almost died. I climbed into the driver’s seat with my mother as she was driving.

                      I didn’t sit in that seat for at least a month. I don’t do spiders, or anything resembling a spider.

                    • *sobs* you can hear those fuckers from like a mile away….i dont wanna know what they look like

                    • Amazonian Midget

                      Cicadas are freaking huge. I had one fall in my hair as a little girl. I freaked the hell out.

                    • LMNOP

                      Oh my god, that must have been terrifying as a little kid. I’m shuddering just thinking about it.

              • Meridian

                lmao. But it’s so much simpler! (._.) I shall wait to see what google says but I guess I’ll stick with my broom massacre method.

        • Melissa
      • SR

        Glad I’m not the only one that did this (minus the screaming… But there will be a dance or something resembling that prior to chasing and sucking up those sh*ts) …

      • uNk

        Centipedes though?? I didnt even know those were regular bug problems, what area is this in lol

        • LMNOP

          Centipedes get around, I’ve run into them in at least 3 states.

      • When I was living alone there was a beetle/waterbug/megatron cockroach in my hallway….I politely packed a bag and stayed at my friend’s house for 3 days….like *hands up* no beef Mr. Bug, this house is now yours!!

    • That’s the ONLY way to deal with these things really.

  • pls

    i died at the “hell no 3 times in a row like she’s in a trance”. so true!

  • LadyIbaka

    Being a husband means you cook. I’ll kill the maggots, roaches, even any elephants that may come to disturb tha peace…..just cook, husband,

  • uNk

    My future wife will not have to worry about a thing when it comes to bugs…..
    EXCEPT……if a tarantula happens to enter the household…..nah…we both out this fight…..idk what to tell you…. #GodIsStillWorkingOnME

  • LMNOP

    I’ve killed quite a few scary azz bugs while remaining calm. My daughter was telling me how she’s glad I’m not scared of bugs and spiders and I explained that I just kill them even if I’m scared, because who else is going to? And she said “well I’m never going to do that, when I have kids I’m going to make them kill the spiders. Or I’ll just live next to you. Or..” And I told her maybe she could just marry someone who’d kill the bugs, and apparently this was great advice.

  • Muze

    You literally don’t wear any other shirt. like ever. it’s pretty impressive. lol

    • camilleblu

      lol…my it’s #shady in here…

      • Muze

        hahaha no shade! that kind of consistency IS impressive. lol

        • camilleblu

          oh, right…consistency – gotcha *winks conspicuously*

        • Maybe he’s like hank hill and just bought 50 of the same shirts.

          • Muze

            oh, i assume he has 50 of these shirts. lol. ew to wearing the same one erryday.

          • Damon Young

            if you don’t rock your own sh*t, how can you get anyone else to rock it?

          • Meridian

            I think having 50 of the same shirt comes in handy if you’re around influential people a lot and you happen to be super funny and/or charismatic. His shirt is a beacon to fame.

    • Rachmo

      *giggles*

    • Aly

      He did on his wedding day. Did you know Damon’s married now? He has a wife.

      • LMNOP

        Really? How’d I miss that?? Wait. Does this mean he’s a husband now?

        • Aly

          Yeah, girl. A HUSBAND *faints*

          • camilleblu

            hahahahaha…yew ain’t shyt

          • LMNOP

            But knowing that is not enough for me! I want a second-by-second breakdown of every single aspect of life that is in any way changed after wedlock.

            • Rachmo

              LOL Yo I’m done with both of you today. No chill.

        • Damon Young

          since y’all didn’t hear the news, maybe one out of every 15 things I write should be about it instead of one out of every 20. gotta keep y’all informed and sh*t

          • Meridian

            I think it’s cute Damon. You always find a way to thread her into your writing and experiences so it’s rather obvious how highly you think of her and how happy you are. It’s still pretty cheesy. I’m definitely laughing at your expense.

          • LMNOP

            It’s sweet and sh*t.

      • Muze

        LMAO.

      • Meridian

        “Our arrows will blot out the sun.” – Muze on shots fired
        “Then we shall type in the shade.” – Aly on followup

        • camilleblu

          hahaha

        • Rachmo

          BOL

      • Rachmo

        *spits water on screen*

      • h.h.h.

        he’s married?

        it’s not real until i read a “27 days after the wedding day” post

      • Damon Young

        wife deez

    • Damon Young

      i have like five documented pictures of me with other shirts

      • Muze

        the bachelor party, right before your wedding, your wedding, right after your wedding, and honeymoon? amiright? lol

    • He’s like a cartoon character

More Like This