Pop Culture

Basic B*tch Levelology

Basic B*tch Olympic Time Trials - LaceFront Alter

*It’s not lost on me that I just wrote a post about Common calling women b*tches and then here I go writing a post that uses the word “b*tch” in the title. My only defense here is that I didn’t come up with the most perfect term to describe these women in these scenarios. I’m not enlightened and I think “Come Close” was p*ssy pandering. If you do have beef, forward all mail to here.*

Let me say upfront that I HATE everybody on Love & Hip Hop. I cannot stress this enough. My skin crawls when Chrissy tries to make people chose between her loyalty, their sanity, and deciding whether or not she’s a mole. Get it? Never mind.

Yandy’s name is Yandy. And I’m fairly certain that there isn’t a white person alive short of her mother who even acknowledges that Kimbella is halfsies. You know what, who cares. They drive us all crazy. Olivia is the only person I even kind of like and that’s because I’m totally jealous of her complexion. *squeal*

But despite my consistent protestations, the “stay classy San Diego” women of Love & Hip Hop constantly bring up one point that I think is important when discussing hoodratology and, well, basic b*tches: levels.

Chrissy eloquently stated that Yandy wasn’t on her level. Erica stated that Kimbella wasn’t on her level either. What level? F*ck if I know, but apparently these levels exist because these basic broads teach me so. Since I don’t really know what the levels are (though I know you can never get on my level WHAT get on my level WHAT), I figured that I’d use the women on the show to venture a guess as to what the levels are. Creep me with me as I roll through the hood of basic b*tches.

Ride or Die Until The Wheels Fall Off Level – When Chrissy said that Yandy wasn’t on her level, I can only assume this is the level she meant. That stay-for-7-hope-for-30-more level. Turns out she comes from a family of these types of ninjas since her aunt also proposed to her uncle. Those chicks either have control issues or are extremely patiently impatient. Now, a lot of the women on this show fit this category. Olivia is riding or dying with her career, which must be wearing a condom since she can’t really bust out. Emily is riding or dying with Fabolous, who we aren’t sure knows who she is, and then there’s Kimbella. And that’s all I’ll say about that. This isn’t the worst level, and is the most common from basic b*tch to PhD in biomedical physiological aquatic basket masseuse.

I Obviously F*cked Your Man Which Is Why I Am So Hung Up On This Mess Even Though I Need To Let It Go Level – Hi Yandy. Word to big bird, you are waaaaay to emotionally invested here. I used to think that Chrissy was tripping but now I just think that you really believe Jimmy (I love calling him Jimmy) actually should chose you over the woman he  has decided to marry despite common sense that dictates that would never happen. What a dolt. Yandy, you stupid.

I’m At The Bottom Rung And Can’t Understand Why I Can’t Rise Like Maya Angelou Level - Kimbella might be the most curious case of delusion ever. I can honestly say that I don’t understand her because she brings nothing to the table, takes everything from it, and always seems to think that she’s being done wrong. Now I will say that Erica, the really ugly pretty basic b*tch, has a bigger grudge than Kobe Bryant in Phoenix, but damn. You really gonna run up on Erica at her birthday party with Somaya “Ray Lewis Shoulders” Reese and think you ain’t gonna get swung on?

I’m Only A Video Ho And Don’t Realize That Barack Obama Doesn’t Know Me Level - This is Erica all day. I wish somebody would slap her with the winds of change and a 20-inch Sumitomo tire. The fact that she ACTUALLY views Kimbella as having brought down her property value makes me think she failed out of 5th grade. Hey Erica boo, both of y’all ninjas have list prices of about $1,000. I checked the MLS listings. Nobody cares about you booboo. And your boobs are way too big for your body. Oh, and your singing sounds like a motherf*cking praying mantis struggling to eat her husband.

All For Nothing Level - I keep forgetting Teairra Mari is on this show. I just pulled up “Sponsor” on YouTube. I love this song. Anyway, she perplexes me. She can sing. She’s banging. She’s still young. Yet, she’s as much of a non-motherf*cking factor as one can be. She might be the poster child for non-motherf*cking factors. If Obama picked a director for his new National Office of Non-Motherf*cking Factors he’d almost have to pick her right? She’d be the list. Her and Ameriie should start a group together. They could call it We Give Good Face. Point is, she not only needs a sponsor, she needs better management. And I don’t mean Rich Dollaz.

By the way, does anybody else remember Teairra Mari’s song “No Daddy”. It’s quite possible that it’s one of the worst songs of all time. No disclaimer. No joke.

Anyway, I bring this to you all, what are the different levels that basic b*tches are referring to when they tell other basic b*tches that they aren’t on their level? Let us educate the masses today. For I have no clue what they’re talking about.

Basically, I just know that you ain’t on my level.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GET ON MY LEVEL HO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • http://ananseproductions.tumblr.com trin-trin

    i have nothing to add except i thoroughly enjoyed this post.

    and yes, i think Yandy fcked jim too. seriously, that is the ONLY way any of this makes any sense. ain’t no brother/sister…its more like former or current lovers imho

    • JamaicanGirl

      It’s quite obvious Yandy gave Jimmy the punanny!

      • SororSalsa

        The thought of anyone giving Jim Jones the punany makes me want to shower with bleach. He looks like a cross between Franklin & Pigpen from Peanuts.

        • kan

          “looks like a cross between Franklin & Pigpen from Peanuts”

          that’s perfect…..i cannot get off the floor, I’m crying here….

    • StillSuga

      Okay! That’s all I was thinking about while watcihng last nights episode…well, I was also reminded of a line from Waiting to Exhale “You black bishes is simple”…then I questioned my own state of simpleness because I’m the one watching..then I repeated it’s only entertainment to myself over and over until I felt better.

      But I digress, if Yandy doesn’t have the biggest case of “But you said you loved ME too”..

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        “…then I questioned my own state of simpleness because I’m the one watching…”

        LOL, we’re on a different level though.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        you know, that’s probably the best descriptor for the entire phenomenon “but you said you loved me too”

        good job.

        b/c thats exactly what the f*ck is going on here. the more i watch the less i understand. you want this ninja to show you loyalty…OVER THE WOMAN HE HAS TO SLEEP NEXT TO EVERY NIGHT???

      • African Mami

        @ Still Suga,

        “then I questioned my own state of simpleness because I’m the one watching..then I repeated it’s only entertainment to myself over and over until I felt better.”

        *ROFFFLLLLMBAOOOOOO!!!! Your comment made my day! :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i have nothing to add except i thoroughly enjoyed this post.

      but what a great addition it is.

    • Chanelle

      Question- Do you all think Chrissy would leave if she found evidence of a past or ongoing sexual relationship between Jim and Yandy?

      • http://ananseproductions.tumblr.com trin-trin

        nope, not at all. but she will make yandy’s life miserable. but she is too old to be back in the dating field, and she knows it. in her mind, she has a relatively good thing, and she’s held on for 7 years already, so…

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          i agree here. she aint going no where. she’d just have Yandy kilt dead. murdersauce.

    • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      “and yes, i think Yandy fcked jim too. seriously, that is the ONLY way any of this makes any sense. ain’t no brother/sister…its more like former or current lovers imho”

      Exactly. She is STRAIGHT up acting textbook side-chick that thinks she should receive same benefits as main-chick. Po’ chile.

  • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

    WELP!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      PLEW!

      i said what you said backwards.

  • KneeCee

    *exitsstageleftwithMalik

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      So long farewell, aufwiedersehn goodbye.

      lol.

      • KneeCee

        Love that movie, too! ;-)

  • http://iamyourpeople.com/ I Am Your People

    I don’t watch “Love and Hip-Hop” (Probably the only negro reality show I don’t watch), but I know these things about Erica

    1) I did watch a few episodes of Kourtney & Khloe’s show. She worked a Dash Miami
    2) This: https://twitter.com/#!/cthagod/status/159093442457255937

    So basically, all she aspires to be is a basic reality show b*tch. Hey, someone’s got to keep us entertained *Kanye shrug*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      somebody asked me the other day if I thought Erica was hot. and i immediately said no. except she is…right? her attitude turns me SO off that i cant’ even remotely envision her as being attractive.

  • Masiotso

    Levels, muthaf’n factors, and irrelevance…all the same = nothing but ratings and short-term t-shirt sales.

    Yandy really showed today that it’s more than just getting money with Jimmy. Her mentor Mona spoke the truth to her and she couldn’t hear it.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      yeah…its like there was a little cloud over her head saying, “you talkin’ loud but you ain’t sayin’ nothing”

      its time we settled the score.

  • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

    I always think when viewing basic b*tches their “level” is the level of sh*t they either A) will do, B) have done, C) are willing to do to get to the next level of accomplishment, whatever that may be. While most women have scruples, standards and common sense to know what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t, basic b*tches will brag about their basicness as if it were a scout badge given out at Basic Training <-see what I did there?

    Example; A conversation I overheard went something like this:

    Girl A: …and so he's out in the studio, trying to get that paper for us – I swear Big D*ck Schlanging (I forget the real name but it was equally ridiculous) is gonna make us rich and his baby momma on some "Get a real job!" She ain't on my level; didn't support his dream and that's why she's an ex.
    Girl B: She really ain't. You put up with so much with her and that other one always calling about "he needs to support my child." Support it ya damn self! We out here making ours!

    And therein lies everything: for every basic b*tch out there, there is someone co-signing her BS and also working on their basic badge.

    • SororSalsa

      I’m gonna need these basic b*tches to do better…..

      • Onyx Lady

        They’re so rachet. Do they even have passports? Real jobs? Erica looks like she might have eaten that missing turkey bacon and Chrissy threw moscato in Yandy’s face.

        • SororSalsa

          Are these bishes going to have a community trip to Target? Or maybe a Groupon getaway a la Basketball H*s/Unreal Housewives???

        • AOA

          Moscato!!!! Hahaha

    • Todd

      Wow…so if I’m reading this correctly, Girl A is so star-struck that she’s willing to roll with a dude who refuses to do anything with his kid despite repeated demands to do so. I wish you could have tracked this broad. If dude finally gets on, she’s going to be shocked, SHOCKED I say, when dude upgrades the nani and kicks her basic a$$ to the curb. I know not all situations involving kids are straight-forward. That said, if a dude (or chick) isn’t trying to do anything for their own flesh and blood kids, what the heck do you think they’re going to do for you. Remember, they have no ties to you other than the regular booty/peen you’re putting out.

      • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

        Basic b*tch = basic logic. I’m supposing it doesn’t compute that if, and that’s a very large IF homeboy gets on, he’s definitely upgrading and most likely still not taking care of his responsibilities.

        And not kid – kids. Apparently there were two mothers doing it all for their children while this knucklehead is out there doing “work” in the studio.

        • Todd

          I wish you knew who this chick was, or even the dude’s name. I don’t want to accidentally say hello to the board. Maybe some of her basic mindset is contagious, and I want my daughter to do something with herself.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      the whole concept of levels is hilarious in and of itself. thank you for your further research and illustrationism in the art of levelology.

  • Linsie

    Hilarious & oh so true!

  • Iamnotakata

    I totally absolutely LOVE!! this article!! It took the thoughts out my head and put them on paper…I for the longest time I was trying to figure out what “level” this is that Erica specifically has been talking about she was on that Kim would never reach, because as far as I’m concerned, she has yet to attain any level or status that anyone would want, with her illiterate lollipop looking, I can’t fight but I will throw several glasses and swing when I’m deep looking a*s. They all need to sit down and come to terms with the fact that they are all jumpoffs!!

    • Todd

      +1

    • southernsweetness

      +2.

    • SororSalsa

      +3

      What level is Erica on??? The jumpoff’s jumpoff level???

  • http://www.twitter.com/djJAV DJ JAV

    Another Superb Synopsis. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Who is NOT on my level though.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      DAMMIT!!!!! I’m trying to get on your level. wait…what level is you is on?

  • http://www.twitter.com/deannadivine DeannaDivine

    One day I will watch this show. And on that day, I will pull this post back up and be able to nod my head in agreement… I totally understood “non-mutherfcking factor” though. And yes, it still makes me smile!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      even if you dont watch the show i’m fairly certain that Twitter and a cursory reading of what i wrote tells you everything you need to know.