Lists, Pop Culture

Aw Hell, The BET Awards Came On Again

I've really got to meet more white people so I can do MTV instead.

I remember a few years ago, BET seems to have begun to turn a corner. The Awards show which had long been associated with pure f*ckery and general shame had almost gained a bit of legitimacy.

But with Twitter at its apex, BET decided to have as much ridamndiculousness as possible this year. And you know what that means: Black Twitter almost exploded. Luckily BET always has a gospel segment which is where 90 percent of people check out and go to the bathroom, buy some drugs, or call their mothers.

By the way, as I’m writing this I just heard somebody say that Patti LaBelle’s voice is the most powerful voice on earth. Ain’t that right, boo? #true

Anyway, I had no intention of writing about the BET awards, but since I decided to watch it, I feel compelled because of the amount of f*cksh*t I’ve observed. So allow me to tell you about a little of it…my observations.

Why did Cee-lo put on a porcupine, feather, cap wig and purple shoes…THEN have the nerve to curse while wearing the gayest pastor coat in history?

Marsha Amborsius – bless her heart – has no booty whatsoever. I often wonder if women with no booty go to sleep every night and hope to wake up with a booty. Not even a big ole ass, just something well proportioned to the rest of her body. I’m a formerly Black man (thanks to Cee-lo and his get up I quit the Black race) so the hindparts are necessary to some extent. Marsha does have nice legs though with her spray on tan.

What the f*ck was up with everybody singing off key? It’s like everybody forgot to do a sound check AND the sound engineer quit right before the show over money. Alicia Keys sounded a little more of husky voice than usual AND was off key. Basically she sounded like The-Dream if he were to ever hit puberty.

Speaking of WTFness, what was up with all the profanity during the show? Aren’t they supposed to do the clean versions of songs? And if you’re going to do that for a Black awards show, you need a 30 second delay, not a 2 second delay like they were using. I feel like my TV cursed me out. And I didn’t like it. Stop it, television. I bought you TAKE THE FADE N*GGA!!!! TAKE THE FADE!!!!

I love how Chris Brown made a joke at his own expense. I really think that Chris Brown can totally redeem his career if he keeps on putting out dope music (which he’s been doing) and learns to enjoy life and laugh at himself and stays far and far away from all forms of social networking that don’t require him to run his words through at least 2 PR reps and a white woman.

Ain’t gonna lie to you, I’d marry Patti LaBelle right now. Jill Scott too. Oh and by the way since we’re talking about necks (we are now), can somebody find Gladys Knight’s neck? Did a Pip take it?

I don’t know if you all know how much I hate Kelly Rowland’s song “Motivation”. But I do. A lot. I think she sounds like pure D sh*t singing on it. And yet, her live rendition was…well, dope. She gave one of the better vocal performances that I’d seen during the night. Amazing. I’d totally bang her out.

Johnny Gill. Stop it.

Steve Harvey, for all of the non-sense we attribute to him really is worthy of getting an award for being a humanitarian. He hasn’t personally made my life any better but I’m sure somebody’s gotten further along because of him. And dude really does care about family values and manhood. It’s why he’s keeping so many women single…so he can focus on the men. <—-its like I just praised him AND threw him under the bus at the exact same time. Panama? Stop it.

I don’t care what anybody says, Rick Ross looked like he lost 738 pounds with that white Louis Vuitton suit he had on. I could barely see him. He was like a sliver of his former self. Wait…what?

The Nicki Minaj and Justin Beiber exchange was about as awkward and inappropriate as you can get at an awards show before somebody calls the police. Between that and Lil Wayne et al. bringing out a bunch of 12 year olds while singing, “…I wish I could f*ck every girl in the world…” last year (or a few years ago whenever), the entire Young Money camp needs to be on somebody’s watchlist. Not like a terrorist list, but a list nonetheless.

That poor Viewer’s Choice winner announcer, I won’t even add her name here…man she f*cked up so royally. Like, there are f*ckups but then there are f*ckups like she had. Thing is I couldn’t even tell who’s fault it was. I think I’ll just blame BET, because well, anytime BET is a possible culprit, it’s BET’s fault. Thing is…after she f*cked up and knew she f*cked up…she should have said something like, “go f*ck  yourself San Diego”, “Dip Set b*tch” or “Suck it” then threw the mic on the ground and walked off. You know you’ve done bad when even Drake won’t hug you and sing you a song about his insecurities.

This Beyonce performance sh*t was SUCH a copout but genius marketing move on her part. She doesn’t have to do anything but add an extra camera to her set to stream back to the BET awards. All it cost her was a “what’s up BET” shoutout. Oh well, that’s why BET stays losing. That and because Debra Lee buys her dresses from Lowe’s. Add to the fact that this was CLEARLY not live since ya know, its like 4am in London town when that aired.

Speaking of Beyonce, and I feel like we mentioned this here before…she might be the hottest celebrity that I have no desire ever to want to see naked. I’d be much more inclined to see Kelly in the buff with her legs reaching for the sky than Beyonce. She has like zero sex appeal to me. That is odd, like a Lil Wayne outfit. By the way Wayne, Andre 3000 called, he asked if you’d stop stealing his 1998 steez and be original.

I think that’s enough for now…sound off. I know you watched the Awards….good, bad, ugly?

What were your observations?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka BLACKASAURUS JONES aka GIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

 

 

 

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

    Shirley Caesar had on a gahtdamb CAPE on her quincenera dress. I couldn’t handle it.

    Bey’s performance was from HOURS before the show. It’s been on youtube for hours. They are sooo bootleg.

    I’ll be back w/ more. I need to write my BET Awards blogpost recap.

  • Andi

    Didn’t see it. Ah well.

    *goes home*

  • Maximillian

    I observed Free’s ass at the aftershow. That’s all I needed…

  • B_Keps

    BET is why we as a people can’t have nice things. *drops mic*

  • FreakTheDreak

    Lost in a land of cablelessness.

    Will be live-tweeting the replay like it’s live

    Judge if you must.

  • Mo-VSS

    Kevin Hart’s jokes–A+, he was on point

    Marsha Ambrious (or however you spell it) sounded like a middle aged British white woman when she opened her mouth for the speaking voice. Singing voice, yes…speaking, no.

    Chris Brown, dare I say, I loved him. I did. Didn’t like those pants though. Like at all.

    I’m not a Bey stan…so I’ll just leave her alone.

    Loved the opening with K. Hart. Some Iotas probably helped him cuz they are the only ones who go hard cuz, well, they’re not a legitimate frat so they have to. LMAO.

    And speaking of ass Free’s ass seemed to have it’s own zip code…ridiculous

  • noisaidiLIKEDu

    Ummmmm am I the only one who noticed Free’s hair?? She looked like she got her wig from Value Beauty on the clearance shelf. I’m just saying.

  • http://www.testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

    *ahem* :D

    1) I’m tired of seeing Beyonce’s vulva. I don’t recall ever seeing her perform in pants.
    2) Tiffany Green – v. The action of making multiple mistakes in a 5 to 15 second window.
    3) Aubrey Drake Graham. Lord, I’d marry him. Hell, I’d pull a Chrissy with no shame.
    4) The censor button guy must’ve not known one lyric.
    5) Speakin of censored, how’d they miss every curse word the entire show, but can’t censor Ross’ t*tties?
    6) Ms. Patti is everything.
    7) Chris Brown, Rick Ross, and DJ Khaled featuring the BET Awards.
    8) Trey Songz ripping that shirt off five seconds in. Really sir? Really? Beige Greyhound.
    9) Kelly getting her inner Janet out. Bout damn time.
    10) Kevin Hart: Shortest host ever?

  • http://iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    I didn’t watch the EBT Awards, and I am salty in general at tape delayed award shows since I miss all the fun on Twitter (to my knowledge, only the Oscars and Golden Globes are live nationwide) Anyway though, I don’t have a f*ck to give about any of the nominees, I mean Racks on Racks? JCole is STILL a new artist? Boo. I’m just mad I missed Shirley Caesar.

  • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem Jones

    thanks to the BET awards i did my first bid in twitter jail. but up until then i was tweeting like a champ about the foolery, ratchetry, dumbassedtry that is (forever and always) the BET awards.

    Kevin Hart was the best part about the show. that Real Husbands of Hollywood was pure GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nick Canon AND Bobby Brown!?!?! with a cameo from Tami??? can we get an online donation center set up to take care of production costs to get that show on the air?!?!?! im sayin doe….

    2nd best thing about the BET awards?? Free’s a$s shots during the post-show coverage. i shed a #thugtear thinking about how much i want just 1/4 of that a$s.

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