How To Please Your Mate And Sh*t

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I can't stop farting. I think it's that coconut water."

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I can’t stop farting. I think it’s that coconut water.”

1. Make decisions for him.

“Her planning an entire day with me knowing nothing about it. As someone who makes majority of the decisions this would be nice.”

2. Give him compliments.

“i think you look sexy when you clean the gutters….”

“Have you seen your butt when you take out the trash?”

“I love it when you can open jars.”

“my girlfriend called me handsome 3 months ago and it still makes me feel like a stud.”

3. Wash him.

“Trust me, it will wash the stress away, relax his mind, fill him with amazing thoughts, and fill him with deep appreciation.”

4. Provide him with sustenance.

“A DVD of Blazing Saddles and a BBQ chicken pizza.”

“I once said I want a caprisun when my girlfriend came home from a girls night. Now she brings one everytime. I guess remembering little things is what makes me feel great about her.”

“random Nestle Crunch”

“case of beer and a bag of potato chips.”

“Tacos. Like, I want to have a Saturday where we’re driving to the mall or something, and suddenly she pulls out a whole tray of tacos from under the seat and is all like ‘SUPRISE! TACOS’ and then we would eat tacos.”

“Muffins. Delicious home made muffins.”

“Chocolate cake and a bottle of whiskey.”

These quotes are from Jezebel’s The Foolproof Reddit Guide to Pleasing Your Mana collection of responses to a woman who wanted to do something nice for her boyfriend, and turned to AskReddit for men’s advice. As you can see, the quotes ran from the surprisingly mundane to the hilariously specific. (I’m not even a huge fan of tacos, but a taco surprise date would be one of the three best things that ever happened to me.)

Yet, they each had a common theme: Simple

I know it’s a stereotype that men are these walking, talking, and bleching tunnel-visioned nincompoops who don’t need more than pancakes and random dusk fellatio to keep us happy, but this is generally true. Somewhat misleading—these simple ways to make men happy only work if he’s already generally happy with the woman he’s with—but still true.

You know what else is true? Women are simple too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Women are complex and difficult and bipolar and unique and moody and volatile and nuanced and special and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, when it comes to putting a smile on a woman’s face, I think we (men) have a tendency to forget that they love the same things we do (sex, occasional silence, surprise tacos, etc), but the path to mutual happiness could be as simple as “You hit the snooze button on her alarm this morning so she wouldn’t have to reach over you and do it. She’ll now be able to sleep 14 minutes longer than she usually does. This made her happy, morning happiness makes her horny, and now she’ll want to f*ck you.”

Anyway people of VSB, I’m curious. What little and “simple” things can your significant other do (or not do) to put a smile on your face? 

-–Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

The Slippery Slope Of Telling Rich People What They Should Do With Their Own Money

Dr Dre Iovine USC Gift.JPEG-0952f

I generally do not believe that you need to have experience doing something in order to offer an thorough critique of someone who is. You do not need to have experience as president in order to be critical of Obama’s policies, you do not need to be a working actor or director in order to write a comprehensive film review, and you do not need to have played a sport on its highest level in order to coach it there. There’s no hypocrisy or inauthenticity there. Sometimes it takes a person on the “sidelines” to better assess a situation because their potentially panoramic knowledge about a topic and their lack of personal engagement with it allows them to be both more insightful and more objective.

This belief does not extend to people telling other people—and by “other people” I mean “rich people”—what they should be doing with their money. Regardless of whether a person’s intent is noble—and regardless of whether I actually agree with them that a rich person could have spent their money in a “better” way—this type of criticism always rubs me the wrong way, especially if the rich person is actually doing a good thing. I was annoyed when Oprah received criticism for starting a school in South Africa instead of Chicago (although I saw their point), and I’ve grown just as annoyed with people insisting that Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine—but mainly Dr. Dre—should have found a more “worthy” place to gift $70 million (although I also see their point).

This annoyance stems from a simple place: the idea that wealthy people should be held to a higher moral/financial standard than the rest of us just because they’re wealthy. Lemme me put it this way. In the last couple of days I’ve heard and read several criticisms of Dr. Dre for giving his money to a school that’s already wealthy instead of one that actually needs the cash. And by “one that actually needs the cash” they mean “an HBCU.” (USC’s endowment is in the billions. I think Central State’s is $16.17) 

Yet, a few of these critiques have been made by people with a few letters after their names. I even read one penned by a president of a university. I do not know any of these people’s salaries, but knowing what I know about secondary education, it would not be a stretch to assume that they’re near or surpassing six figures.

I do not have a problem with this at all. People are going to make whatever the market demands, and the market demand for a medium to high level university employee is a comfortable income.

But, if you’re going to criticize a person for basically just doing a money-based good deed that wasn’t quite good enough for you, how are you able to justify receiving an income that far surpasses what you need in order to live? Shit, why not work for free? I’m sure you’ve made enough money where you can survive for a couple years with no income. Why haven’t you decided to devote all of your non-essential funds to whichever cause you’ve criticized some wealthy person for not contributing to?

This sounds silly, but once you start criticizing someone for decisions they make with their money, when does it stop? Why are you driving a Lexus when the 10 year old Honda you traded in as a down payment still worked fine? Why buy bottled water when you can drink it out of the tap? Why buy your girlfriend a birthday present? You know she has money, a condo, and a car already. Why give more to someone who already has?

You know, I actually agree that Dr. Dre could have spent his money a little better. I say this while typing on a Chromebook I just purchased, thoughts still kind of scattered after watching a riveting NBA playoff game on my 50 inch plasma screen TV. I did not need to purchase either of these things. When my old laptop broke, instead of buying a new one, I could have just got a library card. And, the 100 pound TV with the 17 inch screen sitting in one of my closets would have allowed me to watch the game just fine.

I’m not saying any of this to make people feel bad about how they spend their money. I just want people to think about how they’re spending their own money before calling someone out for how they’re spending theirs.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

On Kanye, New Slaves, Kim, College Dropout, and Kill Bill

Kanye-West-New-Slaves-prada-store

1. There are few movies I anticipated the way I anticipated Kill Bill Volume 2. None perhaps. As far as sequels to movies I’d loved goes, I also was anxious to see The Dark Knight and The Matrix Reloaded. But with each of those, I had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen and, most importantly, the way the story was going to be told. With Kill Bill Volume 2, though, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to see. Yes, I knew Beatrix would find a way to kill Bill at the end of the movie, but would Elle Driver and Budd be given the same type of anime-intro O-Ren received? Which genre would Tarantino lean on more? Spaghetti Western? Blaxploitation? Samurai? Would the scenes follow a chronological order? How much would be shown in black and white?

As I’ve mentioned before, this same type of imperviousness to prediction is (to me) the most notable aspect of Kanye West’s talent, the most literal manifestation of his (depending on who you ask) genius, madness, or wackness. I can’t think of any other hip-hop artist who consistently defies expectations this way. I mean, when you hear that Jay-Z or Ghostface or Drake or whomever is releasing a new album, before you even hear it, anyone familiar with their work is going to have an idea of what it’s going to sound like. The only question is whether or not it’s going to be any good. But, trying to predict how a Kanye West album is going to sound is like trying to imagine how the air tastes on Jupiter. I think that people who anticipate his albums the way I do are compelled by this volatility, while the people who can’t stand him and/or find him inauthentic are annoyed by it.

2. It would be unwise to craft your final judgments on New Slaves and Black Skinhead right now because one thing you can predict about Kanye is that a Kanye song the first time you hear it and the album version of a Kanye song are likely to be completely different. But, in the chance that these were the final versions of the songs, I have to say that I wasn’t expecting to like them as much as I do. My opinions aren’t based on whatever “messages” the songs were trying to convey. I just like the way each sounds.

3. I loved College Dropout, but I do not miss College Dropout Kanye or want College Dropout Kanye to “come back.” For those who do—and, apparently, there are many—I don’t know if you realize how selfish that is. It’s also impossible, both literally (obviously) and figuratively. You’re asking someone to recreate memories and music so you can feel how you felt when it was initially created. You don’t want College Dropout Kanye back. You want who you were when College Dropout dropped to come back. Neither will ever happen.

Thing is, even if this were to happen—if Kanye or whoever was able to transform back into a long dead version of themselves just to replicate their art—you would not be able to replicate how you felt when first hearing it. Just as they’re not the same person, you’re not either, which is why it’s imperative to create new memories and associations instead of trying (and failing) to relive old ones.

4. From a personal perspective, I am almost completely neutral about Kim and Kanye’s relationship. And, by “I am almost completely neutral about their relationship” I mean “I am neither rooting for nor against them, but if a gun was pointed to my head and I had to choose, I’d root for them. I’d then ask Panama why he pulled a gun on me.”

But, as Rembert Browne alluded to last week, it’s near impossible to listen to a Kanye song or album now and not wonder what influence Kim has had on his work. For this reason, I think being with her may end up being the worst musical decision he’s ever made. I wont pretend to know what’s going on inside of Kanye’s head, but he’s always struck me as an artist who’s more concerned with product, legacy, and praise than popularity. Not only does he want to be the best artist, he wants everyone to recognize him as such. (Ironically, this maniacal focus on product and legacy has made him extremely popular. There’s a positive message here somewhere that I’d note if I cared about positive messages.)

But now Kim Kardashian’s shadow looms over his work. Regardless of how good (or bad) this album is—and regardless of whether their relationship has any influence at all on the quality of his work and the frequency that work is produced—Kim’s name will be mentioned in every longform review and article about it, and her presence will be thought of when people assess this album. She, he, and them together are too transcendentally (and, perhaps, intentionally) bizarre for this not to happen.

For an artist so concerned with legacy, so concerned with how his work is regarded, you have to wonder why he’d willingly enter a relationship that would have such an effect on how people regard his work.

(Actually, I don’t really wonder why. Although Kanye has been the subject of numerous gay rumors, he’s always struck me as a person who’s exclusively attracted to and infatuated with women and completely dependent on their validation. Basically, he seems like the type of guy who needs women to cum while f*cking him for him to get any lasting pleasure out of sex. Sure, the woman “wins,” but it’s really all about him and proving to himself—and her—that he has that power. For a person who thinks like this, Kim Kardashian—a woman whose popularity largely stems from being the amalgamation of a million different porn-addicted men’s sexual chimeras—is not only an understandable choice, she’s the best one.)

5. I think certain decisions Kanye has made has caused many to think of him as a shameless attention whore. I’ve never agreed with this, mainly because I can’t think of a current celebrity who’s noticeably disquieted by attention more than he is. It feels like he wants to be known and thought of, but not actually engaged unless he has complete control of the interaction. Basically, he’s the music world’s unlikeliest introvert.

6. I think Kanye is the single most important person in music right now. I think he’s very aware of this. He also must be aware that his last album was regarded by many very serious hip-hop critics as one of the best rap albums ever made. I think this would put any artist under a shitload of pressure. I’m (obviously) not sure how Kanye is handling this, but I think we’ll have a better idea June 18th.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) 

The Hypocritical Obsession With Black Women’s Obsession With Scandal

***The Champ’s latest at Ebony has a message for NBA-loving men criticizing Black women for being “influenced” by the popular show***

As much as Black men fret and fume about Black women becoming completely enraptured by these ridiculously predictable shows featuring unrealistically attractive, insanely wealthy, and completely amoral people making reckless, shrewd, and illogical decision after reckless, shrewd, and illogical decision—basically people they’ll never, ever actually meet doing things they’ll never, ever actually be able to do—many of these men do the exact same thing…but they just like to call it watching the NBA Playoffs. 

Ah yes. The NBA Playoffs. That reality TV show complete with multi-layered narratives (Will Lebron get his second ring? How much does Timmy have left in the tank?), plot twists (Westbrook down!), fake outs (Derrick Rose is playing! Wait, no he’s not? Wait, yes he is! Wait…), antagonists (Hi, NBA ref!) and the slight suspicion that things might be scripted. That soap opera that has grown-ass men huddled around flat screens and iPads everywhere, watching, talking, shrieking, and tweeting about the sartorial choices of rich men living in South Beach, the interracial dating history of closeted Ivy league men with identical twins, and Lebron’s hair. That “television event” where men alter their schedules and ignore their girlfriends and wives to passionately watch the trails and tribulations of tattoo and underwear-clad young men. The paradoxical universe where men cheer for men from certain cities, even though neither them nor the men they’re cheering for are actually from that city, which means they’re kinda, sorta just screaming, sweating, and crying for laundry.

And yes, despite referring to “Black men” as “they” instead of “we,” I am one of these Black men as well. I’ve been a part of the chorus critical of Black women for being so invested in Scandal—even devoting 700 words to it despite, at the time, never seeing a minute of it—while personally investing just as much energy watching, following, reading, and tweeting about all things NBA. By my own logic, since I’m a college grad whose favorite players either didn’t graduate or just didn’t go to college altogether, I’m a hypocrite too. Apparently it is possible to write blog entries with bushels full of planks in your eyes.

Read more at EBONY