Not sure if I’ve ever stated this for the record, but I’d like to go on the record as saying that “Levels” is the epitome of a not-deep song that nwords think is deep. Just like the Pastor Troy song “Vice Versa” which goes down as the LEAST deep song that most hood nwords swore had both merit and thought-provoking lyrics. It did not.
I suppose here is as good a time as anywhere to tell you what I’m talking about. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re talking passwords. Forget asking if somebody is married. Or how they feel about Beyonce or Scandal. If you want to know the true measure of a person, all you need to do is find out one of the passwords to a personal email account. Account passwords let you into the deepest, darkest recesses of a person’s mind. I can’t lie, if you were to find out what some of my email passwords were, you may just think I was a raging racist with a penchant for lunacy. Or even possibly that I hated unicorns and red velvet cake. You’d definitely judge me. I promise you. Ving ain’t lie, I done came thru the block in everything that’s fly.
I actually do pretty much hate red velvet cake unless my mother made it because you know, reasons.
Real talk, from the year 2010 to 2012, anybody who came to my home and needed to get the Wifi password was met with a bit of hesitation followed by, “well, it’s…junglebunny. YES JUNGLEBUNNY.” I usually got a head shake and a concerned grin after. If only they knew that I eventually changed it to “eatdatwatermelonboy”. Oh, I guess they just found that out. Doitbabystickitbabydoitbabystickitbabydoitbabystickitstickitbabydoit.
I wish I was lying. I am not.
Now of course, I’m a professional. So if you start with the work passwords you get the benign choices. My work passwords are based on work-centric ideas and objects – basically anything I wouldn’t be embarrassed to repeat out loud to somebody who may determine if I was receiving my paycheck. Then we move to bank account passwords. While they are still very personal, at some point you may need to repeat this out loud to a customer service representative or your mama who has to get into your account to make that transfer to Western Union for your cousins “get out of jail as soon as I go” fund.
But then comes the moment of truth. The moment where you REALLY need to get into your email account but you don’t have access to something because you were too cheap to get a phone with a mail function – something that is becoming more and more obsolete by the hour. You know you trust somebody when you divulge the email passwords. Look, email is the key to your life. All of the ridiculous relationships and communications that you’ve engaged in can be found in email. This is also the point where you can find out a whole lot about the person you’re dealing with.
Some people have passwords full of inspiration; lots of faith, destiny, hope, and God. You know, a password like “godisgoodallthetimeandallthetimegodisgood54378″. Cute. Or “destinyhelpsavemysoul”. You can see folk with these types of passwords coming a mile away. These are also the people who tweet and IG Bible verses at 430am because they can’t sleep and get slain in the spirit and say “lawdjeefus” a lot. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, they just get up really early. For Jesus.
Then you have the people who set their passwords based on loved ones. Awww. Passwords all start with their kids names or the name of a fallen relative or favorite musician, like “TupacAndUncleCharles(IMissHimYall)BallinInHeaven”.
For others, however, comes the moment where you you might have to look at your mama through the phone and say, in all seriousness, “ma, my password is: tittysprinkles. No, for real, just like it sounds, don’t ask. No mother I’m not going to explain it to you. Yes, I know you and father put a roof over my head but its my password and it can be what I want it to be” Or “Ihatehoeshoeshat3me”. Some people have the type of passwords where if the choice was between saving your mother’s life by giving her the password or letting her die, you’d let her die because you can’t let your mama live knowing what’s wrong with you because of your password.
I’m one of those people with a password that thinks tiddie sprinkles will tickle my….you know what? Never mind. To date, a total of three other people have ever been given passwords to my email. And to date, each person has repeated my passwords to me in such a fashion that made me feel a mixture of shame and the sad feeling you get after spending too much time on a site like xvideos. I have 5 personal email accounts (I have no idea why I have so many personal, working, email accounts) and should I ever meet a young lass who was savvy enough to query me and convince me to share one of those passwords, I’m fairly positive that I might lose one. The lass that is.
It is interesting if you think about it. Email passwords are one of the few places where you attempt to find something personal, difficult to figure out, but easy to remember so you head straight for your stash of personal stash things. It’s where the things that matter to you manifest because that’s what you’ll remember. Sure my passwords would indicate that I’m possibly a KKK sympathizer, but hey, they make me smile.
So what do your passwords say about you? Are you safe and sound like DJ Quik in 1994? Did you leave out the G because the G ain’t in you? Or are you like me…shaming your village with the passwords you hope to never ever have to share with the masses. Because titty sprinkles. Is there anything you just hope to never have to share with anybody period??
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. DON’T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTERS DEAD aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3