Ask Agatha: Things “Aint Shit” People Say And What To Do When Your BF’s Friend Hits On You
Deena from Cobb County, GA asks:
My friends and I started talking about the sort of shit ain’t shit people always say and we got on quite a roll. What do you think are some famous ain’t shit phrases?
A classic ain’t shit phrase is “I’m just a person.” Because who isn’t right?
I have a friend who ends or derails every argument with this simple phrase. And I don’t want to say this friend ain’t ish. But, well.
I have another friend who always says, “It is what it is.” Because ain’t shit people love to wash their hands of some shit. And this usually comes right after they say, “you see what had happened was” and right before they say “YOLO.” Because you see the phrase “what had happened was” is never followed by what happened, only by how it’s not their fault. And well YOLO because you do only in fact live once, even if the sentiment is apropos of nothing.
You see ain’t shit people are masters of the meaningless cipher—and rebutting arguments with non-sequiturs.
But what’re you gonna do?
See what I did there? That’s my go-to ain’t shit cipher.
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, we’re all ain’t shit here.
Welcome to VSB, Deena.
Jackson from Baltimore, MD asks:
I was watching the Carmichael show (do you watch that?) and they were talking about the best excuses to use, if you want to cheat witout your partner getting suspicious and one of the cast members said “church retreat” because you can be gone all weekend and you can be out of touch the whole time because you’re supposedly in the woods and have poor reception. It seemed foolproof to me. What do you think?
Well first you’d have to start going to church Jackson. And lord knows the type of person trying to think of the perfect cheating alibi isn’t active enough in the church to be able to convince their partner they’re going on a church retreat. I’m not saying churchgoers are saints. I’m just saying that it’ll take more than the errant Sunday attendance to be able to use the New Life Fellowship Assembly of God Baptist and Methodist Non-denominational Church of Christ as your fornication cover story.
You best bet is a “boys trip”. I’ve had it on good authority from a past advice seeker that that’s how his girl got her truffle buttered. I mean he didn’t say that exactly but that’s what happened. Probably. (Sorry Jamal)
Then again a “boys trip” has too many moving parts.
Are you a drinker? Maybe you just go ghost and when you show up again you tell her you were in the drunk-tank for the weekend. She might be upset. She might be disappointed in you. But if you’re contrite enough, she’ll just be happy you’re okay. You can only use that excuse once though, more than that and she’ll make you check into rehab, although, that in and of itself opens up some interesting possibilities.
Trissa from Queens, NY asks:
I was out at a lounge with my boyfriend and his friends last Saturday and on my way back from the bathroom his friend cornered me and made a serious pass at me. There was no real preliminary, he just kind of approached me, told me i was sexy, and that he wanted to beat. He was definitely drunk and I myself was a little tipsy. I pushed him off me and he backed away saying, “chill, chill, it’s cool”. It wasn’t cool but I didn’t say anything to my boyfriend. He was drunk. They all were. I feel like I missed the opportunity to say something to my boyfriend in the moment and I dread the potential drama. What should I do?
With boyfriends I’ve been hit on by their brothers, cousins, friends, best friends but thank God never their fathers.
I’ve been hit on when I’ve innocently answered the phone to take a message. At Thanksgiving after I’ve been introduced as the girlfriend. In the club while my boyfriend was in the bathroom. Or while he was standing right there, because it’s a club and a foot away is basically a wall of static.
And I’ve never told my boyfriend at the time.
Because what’s the resolution?
He stops talking to his friend or family member?
Or worse, he doesn’t stop talking to his friend or family member.
Or maybe he confronts them. And what are the chances that the sort of creep that would make a pass at you would cop to it—to his boy? No chance in hell.
And now it’s he said versus she said.
And that drama you were trying to avoid…
And what if your boyfriend is a hothead?
I’ve always been more worried that my boyfriend wouldn’t do anything at all, that maybe he’d somehow either blame me or tell me I’d imagined it in order to avoid having to confront a man in his social circle and then I’d have to confront the fact that I was dating a coward. And where do you go from there?
You see no one teaches you how to handle these sorts of situations that you didn’t create or want.
And it’s not that you’re trying to be an “it’s cool” girl, it’s more so that you just want everything and everyone to be cool.
So how do you navigate moments like these going forward?
Well honestly, I think you handled it the best way you could. That’s not what I’m supposed to say but it’s the truth.
You’re only in charge of you. You’re not in charge of anyone else. You’re only responsible for you; you’re not responsible for any other adults. So I can’t tell you to take these matters to your boyfriend because there may not always be a boyfriend and I can’t tell you to cause a scene because you may not be prepared for what could happen if the situation escalates.
The only thing you need to be able to do…every single time, is get out and get away. Be firm. Be civil in your rejection (yeah, I know). And keep your distance from that person.