Ask Agatha: The Debt-Related Danger Of Accepting Drinks From Men » VSB

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Ask Agatha: The Debt-Related Danger Of Accepting Drinks From Men



Kali from Durham, NC asks:

If a guy buys me a drink, do I owe him something? I feel like they think I owe them something and I hate having them trail after me all night because of a cocktail.

Well debt collectors are nothing if not persistent.

And that’s what these men are, debt collectors seeking payment on a debt you’ve incurred.

Because you have incurred a debt Kali.

It’s a dirty thing to say because it makes the whole mating process a dirty dirty business but you do owe these men something.

By accepting that $8 cocktail, they’ve at the very least paid for a bit of your time and a little small talk while you finish said drink. Because that’s the going rate for a cocktail in most states—a little small talk (whether people want to admit this or not) and a little politeness.

But be careful if you find yourself in a big city where a cocktail can be anywhere from $12 to $16, you might find the price of accepting that “free” drink a little too high. Now you have to dance with Church Shoes or give your number to Snaggletooth all because you’re thirsty.

Don’t be thirsty Kali. Walk with money.

Krystal from Baltimore, MD asks:

Is there any truth to the idea that the vagina is self-cleaning?


Yes and no.

Yes, if we’re talking about the medical definition of vagina. So if when people say the vagina is self-cleaning they mean the vagina as in the elastic, muscular canal that makes up part of the female reproductive system, then yes, that is absolutely self-cleaning.

The tissue that makes up that canal is also very very delicate and wouldn’t thrive with the use of cleansing washes like Summer’s Eve.

However, if you’re telling people “the vagina is self-cleaning” as the reason for not washing everything else, meaning your vulva i.e. the external genital organs, you’re just nasty. You absolutely should wash your ass everyday.

And while we’re at it, you should use shampoo every once in a while too. Co-washing your hair is like using lotion as your body wash. It’ll seal in the moisture but it’ll also seal in the dirt too.


Christian from Harlem, NY asks:

What’s your favorite movie?

My favorite movie hasn’t been made yet.

Hollywood and Oprah are always green-lighting movies about pivotal moments in our history (so racism) or about monumental African-Americans whether they be activists or sports heroes or artists; and lots of comedies and Black men in drag but my favorite movies are always about those quiet moments in-between interesting times.

And frankly there aren’t enough of them.

But the few there have been has resonated with me in a profound way.  Spike Lee’s Crooklyn about a young girl and her family during a summer in 1973 immediately comes to mind. It was tragic, in the way life can sometimes be, but not sensationalistic; funny, again like life, but not foolish.

So the movie I want to see made would be a “slice of life” work. The focus would be less on the plot and more about the characters. I’m particularly desperate for a character study of two men. Black men. Father and son. Because I’ve never seen that be the focus of any movie and the idea of it fascinates me. I’m neither a father nor a son but I’m so interested in the dynamic.

What is that moment like when he realizes his father isn’t a superhero? And fallible? And a hypocrite?

What is that moment like when one truly lets the other down?

What are those moments like in the car, on their way to places?

What’s their secret language? What’s said and unsaid?

What does conflict look like between them?

What’s that moment when the son realizes he’s become his father after all?

Someone should write this screenplay. Someone who’s lived it.

David from Washington, D.C. asks:

No offense Miss Agatha but sometimes some of your posts comes off as anti-feminist and regressive. Do you really believe some of the advice you give or is it all tongue-in-cheek?

Two points.

1. I think everyone takes away exactly what he or she should from the advice I give. Even the professionally offended.

2. I’m no feminist. Nothing in me believes in equality of the sexes or even equitable treatment for women.

We get our periods. We carry life. There’s only a 30% chance of having an orgasm from sexual intercourse. And we keep having sexual intercourse.

And still we have to deal with men, even if you’re a lesbian, men are everywhere. The planet is lousy with them. And have you met men David? They’re the worst.

So no, I don’t think things should be equal at all. I think things should be decidedly skewed within our favor.

I don’t want equal work for equal pay. I want more pay for working 5-6 days less a month on average because when I have my period I DON’T WANT TO DO A FUCKING THING. And I won’t apologize for that. And I don’t feel the need to prove that I’m as good at what I do as any man. And I don’t want to choose between chivalry and equality. And I want the government to pay me to stay home with my future kids for at least the first two years of their lives. And I don’t want to have to give anything up to be seen as a whole person. And I don’t I want what men think about what I do and say to matter at all.

What I’m saying is, what you think about what I have to say doesn’t matter at all David. No offense.

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • 1. I was always taught to have “vex” money by my west indian a s s gramma. that constitutes as any bread you’ll need to get yourself out of a jam, get home in the event your date is a killer, or whatever. what is NOT included in that is drink money. back in my dating days, I almost never bought my own, because i’m cheap and not trying to pay anybody’s club markup. today, hubby buys all of mine or I go somewhere I can drink free. Too many times I’ve felt like I was expected to exchange vag or my self-respect for some watered down henny and cran and I’m not here for it.

    2. wash your coochie. every day. twice a day. Unless you’re in Flint, MI, I don’t want to hear nothing about no conserving water or drying your skin out. stop making excuses and being nasty.

    4. feminist is not a bad word. i am a supreme goddess and should be revered as such. carry on.

    • Quirlygirly

      Cosign on #1- up till the hubby part because single. But I have always been taught- know how to get home and have money to do so. I make it my business to know when I am going and how I got there even if I got to take the long way- I am getting home.

      2&3 Truth and double truth

      • TeeChantel

        That’s why any time I go out on a date with a dude I’ll tell him I’m meet him there. I like having my own car at the ready.. especially if the date gets cut short or we don’t hit it off that well. I can drive away without having to completely depend on him.

        • OSHH

          And I do not like just anybody knowing where I reside.

          • miss t-lee

            Not until it’s confirmed that you’re not a serial killer.

      • I have told friends in the past that I couldn’t go out because I didn’t know how I’d be getting home. Even though somebody would spot me, I don’t like having to depend on anybody to get my behind in my house safe. If I don’t have enough to get there, enjoy myself and get back home, I ain’t going.

    • miss t-lee

      ” I was always taught to have “vex” money by my west indian a s s gramma. that constitutes as any bread you’ll need to get yourself out of a jam, get home in the event your date is a killer, or whatever. what is NOT included in that is drink money”

      #1 is so real. Stay ready so you don’t have to get ready.

      • One time my ex thought he was being slick by refusing to take me home after an argument. He went out to do something and when he got back, I was already in the cab and on my way home. What you thought this was playa?

        • miss t-lee

          Girl. I’ve left dudes right in the restaurant on some, let me go powder my nose real quick steez.

          • Gbadebo

            lordt…ha, ladies created this savage life

            • miss t-lee

              No need to prolong this misery if the date ain’t working out…lol

          • TeeChantel

            Lol. I left a dude at a lounge once. He was getting too close too quick and it creeped me out. I told him I had to go to the restroom and walked straight out the spot. He called thirty mins later to see if I was okay and I was like, yep, nice and comfy in my bed…ninja was so confused.

            • miss t-lee

              Has to be done sometimes.

        • This is hilarious!

          • HE didn’t think so lmao

    • Sigma_Since 93

      #1 is why I always had dimes in my penny loafers; it was only 20 cents to use the pay phone.

    • Asiyah

      I might add a caveat to your #2 not to use overly fragrant soaps down there. It can lead to disaster.

  • Brass Tacks

    I have never payed for a random woman’s drinks. If I’m buying drinks; its for one of two reason:

    A) We are friends
    B) We are on a date

    Paying for you to give me face time while I scramble to nail some impromptu sales pitch?


    • LadyIbaka

      Lawd. Really, buying drinks is that serious of an issue?

      • Brass Tacks

        Its not serious at all. Hence me not doing it.

        • LadyIbaka

          yeah, but with all em conditionals. Nyhoo, I’d buy YOU a drink.

          • Brass Tacks

            And I would happily return the favor with a drink and a wing app.

            That’s how I rock.

    • I mean what really is the end game buying random drinks for strangers in the club? I don’t see any good that can come from it. ESPECIALLY if it’s not a simple kind gesture. If there are ANY expectations linked to that drink purchase…just don’t.

      • miss t-lee

        Some folks do it just because they like to see others have a good time. I’m glad I’ve ran into those types more than the “you owe me” types.

        • I don’t believe that. I always feel like men who buy me drinks WOULD like SOMETHING…be it conversation or more, there are just some who are more aggressive about collecting the debt they erroneously believe you incurred by accepting the drink. I don’t care about no strangers good time enough to spend my cash on a inflated yet watered down drink. They should have pre-gamed at home like a normal person.

          • miss t-lee

            I can only speak from my experiences.

      • Brass Tacks

        And most times it is. That’s why I don’t entertain it. Very rarely are people just doing it to be “nice”. Sure you’ll always have the “ol head” buying a group of ladies drinks.

        But rarely is he not looking for at least some minor social time from it.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      Never bought a random woman drinks…always get the vibe first, eye contact and smile or conversation BEFORE offering a drink. Always.

      And then dude following her around afterwards?? Where in G-ville they do that at??

  • DBoySlim

    Easy. Don’t buy random women drinks. Buy drinks for the women ladies you’re cool with or on a date with. To quote the sage Riley Freeman:

    Takin’ women out to eat, givin’ ’em free meals? What part of the game is
    that? You takin’ her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. The fam
    ain’t eatin’ cheddar biscuits but this random broad is eatin’ cheddar

    • One of my favorite Riley rants.

    • LadyIbaka

      I’ll eat them cheddar biscuits and still give you the debt collection agency #.

    • I mean, a well-timed Red Lobster date wins points in my book. But by all means, take Riley’s advice.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      If you heard the song, she takes me to Red Lobster.

    • Glockenspiel

      “Game recognize game and YOU lookin’ unfamiliar!”

      • That’s my favorite line!

        • CozyVon

          “Don’t feed ’em, Grampa!!!” LOL

    • Beauty In Truth

      Random women can be lovely. You don’t know unless you give them a chance. Men are so classless these days, no wonder women aren’t giving them the play that they want. It’s not about your wallet. But no one likes a cheap/tightwad.

      And the places you are going says alot about you as well. Are you going to local roll n’ whine hotspots, or upscale singles nights that are invite only were your dollars would be well spent? Just a theory. Holding on to dear life for a measly few drinks tells me that your credit ain’t looking too bright on the other side of that RENTED BLAZER. (SIP this tea).

  • OSHH

    At my age I appreciate the no strings drink. The just because cocktail gets major props and prolly conversation anyways. Plus you already know whom to decline.

    Shower and or bathe daily please with soap&water.

    Too many favs to name but I’ll name one for this post “Making Mr. Right”…loves this joint!!!

    • miss t-lee

      The no strings drink is really a dying art. I appreciate it too.

      • OSHH

        Truly like so many other lovely gestures ….

        • miss t-lee


  • I can’t remember any guy that’s ever bought me a drink immediately after introducing himself. Either it’s never happened or it’s really not the best way to make an impression. Or I’m already drunk at which point your drink is just helping make you more of a distant memory. Pre-gaming is your friend.

    I want extra sick days for menstruation and I want them now.

    • Quirlygirly

      Yes on the extra sick days- cause I believe that it is better for me to stay home and deal with my issues that come to work and have a coworker piss me off and they now will deal with my issues

      • lol I can’t imagine you getting PMSy, which is how I know I don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.

    • I say this every month that we need extra sick days for lady time. I go through it terribly for the first day and the rest of the time I’m cool. I don’t want to/can’t function well under those circumstances.

      • Yep, an extra day or two in case you need it would’ve been super thoughtful. But nah.

    • miss t-lee

      “I want extra sick days for menstruation and I want them now.”

      Seriously, run for POTUS and make this your platform.

      • lol My checkered past would prevent a successful run. But I would lobby like a mugga mug.

        • miss t-lee

          Hey…lobbying is what really gets the job done anyway…lol

    • I’m trying to tell you. This should already be a thing. There is NO reason why I should have to go outside and person while I’m in fairly constant pain, and living with the ever-present threat of bleeding all over my nice work clothes.

  • TeeChantel

    If a dude buys me a drink at the bar or club, I’ll happily return the favor. Give a drink, get a drink. No strings attached.

    • TJ

      Ooooh. I like that idea!

    • Kemse

      Call us square and leave me alone lol. Yes!

      • TeeChantel

        Yes, please.

    • uNk

      Ninjas, especially club dwelling ninjas don’t think that way lol

      “Oh she buying ME a drink??? Boom, we got action”

      • TeeChantel

        I can’t control how they think.

        • uNk

          Im just saying, it will probably make matters worse on the whole time to leave me alone gesture

          • TeeChantel

            I know. I just see it as a returning the favor on a nice gesture. If he doesn’t accept but is expecting a bit more….than I’ll walk away.

    • I’ve tried that and it worked out only once. We shared a good laugh and some dancing and that was it. He was an older guy though. These young ninjas ain’t got no behavior.

      • Quirlygirly

        It is the older guys that understand the true transaction. But I blame these younger women who have no couth and will bed a dude for an $8 drink and a wing and fry plate.

        • TeeChantel

          Yeah, I’ve only tried it with older men or men that are a few years older than me, and it worked out pretty well. I normally don’t mesh well with dudes that are younger than me.

        • brothaskeeper

          To be fair, some wings have a mystical effect. Jussayin.

      • Julian Green

        These young ninjas ain’t got no behavior.
        That- hopefully- comes with age.

      • IMMA REACT

  • Kemse

    Them two points to David though.

    Sing it from the hilltops for the children one mo’ ‘gen.

    I try to be “fair” and see things from my man’s side because I know he’s got real problems to cope with on the daily too.

    But dealing with y’all is EXTRA sometimes. Like TOOO MUCH EXTRA. Amd 47% percent of the time you’re the source of my grief or crazy. I love y’all and hate it at the same time lol.

    My boo was like, you don’t talk to me enough I don’t know where you’re at, your thought process, so I can help. So I proceeded over the next few days to verbalize my entire thought process over everyday occurrences. Luke the sheer volume of things we have to consider and he kinda got that “….oh” look. Like just a week of that was overwhelming for him. And Iwas like “Yeah, that’s my life. All day every day. NO DAYS OFF man.”

    It really increased his receptiveness and inquisitiveness though. Silver lining and progress and ish.

  • miss t-lee

    Drink buying…lol I have a little story.
    A few years back, my bestie and I were down on 6th street at a club. We’re in our late 20s at this time, she’s in town on a mommy/wife vacay weekend, so as her bestie and resident single person it was my job to show her a good time. We’re club hopping, doing karaoke, dancing, grinding on randos, you get my drift.
    Anyways, we’re at this one spot trying to figure what we wanna drink for round 2, we don’t drink 75 cent wells (which were the special of the evening) because we’re old and can’t be hungover half the next day. So this enterprising young chap slides between the both of us and starts to chat us up, and says, “oh, let me get this next round!”
    I was like…”nah, we’re good.” However, he starts insisting that we let him buy our drinks. So okay. Bestie and I order.
    Bartender makes up our drinks and tells homeboy, “okay that’ll be $23.”
    His face is one of sticker shock. He starts fumbling around and looking in his wallet/pockets trying to pull together the cash.
    Bestie and I start laughing. We leave $30 on the counter and walk off.

    • Teach ’em a lesson t!

      • miss t-lee

        He wasn’t ready for prime time Poppa. :)

        • Back in the day, a friend of mine offered to buy two hood rats that were nursing beers, “whatever they wanted. ”
          Bad move. They ordered extreme top shelf. ( dude damn near needed a ladder top shelf. ) My boy gets mad and started calling them all kinds of outlandish things…
          He still had to pay.
          Next time – offer to “give them whatever they’re drinking. “

          • miss t-lee

            Oh, this is rich…lol!!!

          • fxd8424

            Sadly, a familiar story.

          • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

            The OG’s are looking down from above on this and they are not pleased…

  • uNk

    Exactly why I don’t buy drinks for women unless I came with them, or have talked enough with one enough to feel as if there are no ulterior motives for said drink. Call me light skin but I need to some effort from you too to keep me interested. Also, ladies, if you’re not feeling a guy, deny that damm drink, it sends all the right messages(of failure) to that guy and other men that are observing your “standing at the bar” habits.

    • miss t-lee

      My brother has been telling me stories of women trying to buy him drinks when he’s out and about, and then getting mad when he declines.
      I was like wow, this is new.

      • Brass Tacks

        It’s definitely real. They feel if they put themselves out there the least you could do is accept a simple drink. Which is funny, ’cause gender politics and all.

        • miss t-lee

          I’ve never bought a dude a drink off the rip.

          • Brass Tacks

            As a former Bartender. I’ve witnessed and been apart of all sorts of bar dynamics. It’s legit.

            • miss t-lee

              Oh, I’m sure.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Back in the Desert Storm days, it was quite common for women to buy men drinks. Those soldiers were away and there was a lot of thirst going on.

        • miss t-lee

          Well soldiers, I would understand.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            lots of mystery babies born at that time.

            • miss t-lee

              Heyll, that’s been going on since the Civil War, I’m sure.

              • Peloponnesian war you mean.

                • miss t-lee

                  I stand corrected.

            • Quirlygirly

              When the cats away the mice will play..

    • Val

      Ha! @ Call me light skin

      So random. Lol

    • Lea Thrace

      Although it doesnt really apply in this instance, I am proud to see you acknowledging your light skinned tendencies.

      • Siante

        funny, I thought it applied perfectly lol

        • Lea Thrace

          I was trying to be nice. LOL

          • Siante

            nah, it’s all love here- plus he’s the one who said it first lol

      • uNk

        Lol!! I cant deny my tendencies, I try to keep them in check though

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    I’ll say this and get on back to work…..

    You have to be careful accepting anything from men nowadays, even drinks. Most often the expectation set is is that you’ll pay it back in some form or another. I would simply advise against accepting anything outside of a phone number. There will be time for him buying drinks if he’s a keeper BECAUSE YOU’RE ON A DATE WITH HIM. If you don’t want the potential hassle, then don’t accept.

    • OSHH

      I would agree here in general but I have had men folk buy me a no strings drink, buy my food or libations in stores and kept it moving. Coolness and kindness for coolness and kindness sake. Rare but it happens and discernment helps one determine who to accept a kind gesture from.

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        Me too. I totally agree with being able to discern the intent. You will know if it’s a nice gesture versus ulterior motives. Rarely have I turned away kind gestures…LOL

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