Ask Agatha: The Debt-Related Danger Of Accepting Drinks From Men » VSB

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Ask Agatha: The Debt-Related Danger Of Accepting Drinks From Men

Kali from Durham, NC asks:

If a guy buys me a drink, do I owe him something? I feel like they think I owe them something and I hate having them trail after me all night because of a cocktail.

Well debt collectors are nothing if not persistent.

And that’s what these men are, debt collectors seeking payment on a debt you’ve incurred.

Because you have incurred a debt Kali.

It’s a dirty thing to say because it makes the whole mating process a dirty dirty business but you do owe these men something.

By accepting that $8 cocktail, they’ve at the very least paid for a bit of your time and a little small talk while you finish said drink. Because that’s the going rate for a cocktail in most states—a little small talk (whether people want to admit this or not) and a little politeness.

But be careful if you find yourself in a big city where a cocktail can be anywhere from $12 to $16, you might find the price of accepting that “free” drink a little too high. Now you have to dance with Church Shoes or give your number to Snaggletooth all because you’re thirsty.

Don’t be thirsty Kali. Walk with money.

Krystal from Baltimore, MD asks:

Is there any truth to the idea that the vagina is self-cleaning?


Yes and no.

Yes, if we’re talking about the medical definition of vagina. So if when people say the vagina is self-cleaning they mean the vagina as in the elastic, muscular canal that makes up part of the female reproductive system, then yes, that is absolutely self-cleaning.

The tissue that makes up that canal is also very very delicate and wouldn’t thrive with the use of cleansing washes like Summer’s Eve.

However, if you’re telling people “the vagina is self-cleaning” as the reason for not washing everything else, meaning your vulva i.e. the external genital organs, you’re just nasty. You absolutely should wash your ass everyday.

And while we’re at it, you should use shampoo every once in a while too. Co-washing your hair is like using lotion as your body wash. It’ll seal in the moisture but it’ll also seal in the dirt too.


Christian from Harlem, NY asks:

What’s your favorite movie?

My favorite movie hasn’t been made yet.

Hollywood and Oprah are always green-lighting movies about pivotal moments in our history (so racism) or about monumental African-Americans whether they be activists or sports heroes or artists; and lots of comedies and Black men in drag but my favorite movies are always about those quiet moments in-between interesting times.

And frankly there aren’t enough of them.

But the few there have been has resonated with me in a profound way.  Spike Lee’s Crooklyn about a young girl and her family during a summer in 1973 immediately comes to mind. It was tragic, in the way life can sometimes be, but not sensationalistic; funny, again like life, but not foolish.

So the movie I want to see made would be a “slice of life” work. The focus would be less on the plot and more about the characters. I’m particularly desperate for a character study of two men. Black men. Father and son. Because I’ve never seen that be the focus of any movie and the idea of it fascinates me. I’m neither a father nor a son but I’m so interested in the dynamic.

What is that moment like when he realizes his father isn’t a superhero? And fallible? And a hypocrite?

What is that moment like when one truly lets the other down?

What are those moments like in the car, on their way to places?

What’s their secret language? What’s said and unsaid?

What does conflict look like between them?

What’s that moment when the son realizes he’s become his father after all?

Someone should write this screenplay. Someone who’s lived it.

David from Washington, D.C. asks:

No offense Miss Agatha but sometimes some of your posts comes off as anti-feminist and regressive. Do you really believe some of the advice you give or is it all tongue-in-cheek?

Two points.

1. I think everyone takes away exactly what he or she should from the advice I give. Even the professionally offended.

2. I’m no feminist. Nothing in me believes in equality of the sexes or even equitable treatment for women.

We get our periods. We carry life. There’s only a 30% chance of having an orgasm from sexual intercourse. And we keep having sexual intercourse.

And still we have to deal with men, even if you’re a lesbian, men are everywhere. The planet is lousy with them. And have you met men David? They’re the worst.

So no, I don’t think things should be equal at all. I think things should be decidedly skewed within our favor.

I don’t want equal work for equal pay. I want more pay for working 5-6 days less a month on average because when I have my period I DON’T WANT TO DO A FUCKING THING. And I won’t apologize for that. And I don’t feel the need to prove that I’m as good at what I do as any man. And I don’t want to choose between chivalry and equality. And I want the government to pay me to stay home with my future kids for at least the first two years of their lives. And I don’t want to have to give anything up to be seen as a whole person. And I don’t I want what men think about what I do and say to matter at all.

What I’m saying is, what you think about what I have to say doesn’t matter at all David. No offense.

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • Is it self-cleaning? Does it taste like soap to you?

    • Kat

      Soap doesn’t necessarily equate to clean.

  • camilleblu

    i personally feel like if a man that you are not attracted to/interested in offers to buy you a drink, you should just politely decline. bc – you shouldn’t go out and not be able to afford to buy your own dayum drink. this way, he’s not out any money, and you’re not relegated to hiding in the bathroom bc he thinks that $8 drink bought your conversation for the rest of the evening.

    • Now that I’m married, I have no p[problem buying drinks for women. We aren’t about to do anything. We both know it. Keep the party going.

      • L8Comer

        I’ve had men (admittedly the minority) buy me drinks and seemingly want nothing in return. Just a head nod, or an enjoy yourself sweetheart kinda thing. They’re usually older. I guess your reasoning is why.

        • camilleblu

          totally agree…

        • KNeale

          I am young and admittedly don’t “club” much but have literally never had anyone buy me a drink or offer to. Maybe I look that bad or maybe offering drinks is for the older set..iono. I hear this debate often and I’m like…ok but does this even really happen? Especially frequently? Guess I was just missing out!!

          • L8Comer

            It’s definitely proportional to how much you go out and “club”. I don’t go out much anymore, so it doesn’t happen as often. But, I imagine it also depends on your city and the vibe there.

          • Lakyn

            It also depends on where you are. Back in Chicago, I could go out with ten cents and a smile and get wasted off complimentary beverages. Here in LA, I don’t get offers that much, because I don’t have that LA girl “look.” They still happen, just depends on what neighborhood I’m in.

        • I get that all the time when I go to bars. They want nothing in return, just being a gentleman.

        • JamesInstagram

          When I do muster enough energy to go out at night in heels, some men do manage to make themselves good company. Then they buy me a drink, or refill the one I have, and we’re good.

      • camilleblu

        yeah – i really mean for any person that is actually looking to get something more than a “thank you” (married or not -_- ) out of buying a drink. i do find that slightly older men (again, married or not) tend to be more….realistic???…about buying a drink for someone. basically, do it bc you want to do it, not bc you expect something in return.

        • L8Comer

          Yep, and you can tell by someone’s approach if they just want you to have a drink or are tryna holla. If it’s the latter, I decline unless I’m interested

      • For my bachelorette, this one guy kept buying me drinks all night and then his wife came over and did two rounds of shots with me. They were celebrating their anniversary and wanted to spread the love. I thought that was so dope. In DC, no less, with them overpriced drinks.

        • LadyIbaka

          Niiiiiiiiiiice!!!!!!! Very lovely.

        • Cula J.

          “They were celebrating their anniversary and wanted to spread the love.”

          To be honest, I saw that going in a different direction…

          • Bwahahaha! My homegirl swore they were trying to make ME their anniversary treat!

            • Cula J.

              Yep, that sounds about right!

      • Asiyah

        That’s nice of you cogito but you have to be careful. Don’t buy the wrong woman a drink :(

    • Rayjulian85

      I think as your income steadies and your experience with men grows, you easily learn it’s almost always easier to decline. No headache involved.

      • Question

        As your income steadies and your experience with men grows, when, where and how you encounter men should also change.

    • Mika

      Yaaaaaaaaaa, I am going to agree with you here. Save yourself the aggravation. or get there in time for drink specials.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      “you shouldn’t go out and not be able to afford to buy your own dayum drink.”

      Especially since y’all gettin in for free 99.867% of the time.

      • camilleblu


        • Sigma_Since 93

          I want my drink!!! LOL

          I mean I understand not spending yo dollars unless you have to but come on. Too many folks try to ball on no budget; returning outfits the day after, getting in the club for free, and looking for free drinks.

          • cryssi

            I buy my own drinks.

            On my birthday my girl covered my first 3 shots, it’s my birthday so I want more. I pay for my next 3, the guy next to me looked like he was going to ask to pay, but I’m sure I scared him when I took all 3 with no chaser and in my mind Beyonce sashayed away.

            Point of the matter is here in Detroit a lot of single women buy their own drinks. The men can get a bit scary and after that woman died for rejecting a man, I’m good.

      • miss t-lee

        Don’t hate.

      • Big Daddy Suede

        Preach. Church. Tabernacle.

    • Lea Thrace

      *round of applause*

      teach our sistren cami!

      • camilleblu


    • Beauty In Truth

      Ewe. Somebody is broke AND cheap as hll. I bet your are SUPER single. A woman is not obligated to give you anything more than a smile and brief conversation for a kind act. If you can’t afford drinks out of kindness perhaps you should work on your self before you even jump into the dating game (Sip this tea)..

    • Then you’re accused of being rude/disrespectful..theres no winning here

  • Kat

    Bruh “What I’m saying is, what you think about what I have to say doesn’t matter at all David. No offense.”

    Feel free to substitute David for anyone on your list of don’t give frack about you today or this month.

  • Rayjulian85

    Slow clap for that last answer! All the bacon goes to you today. I feel like I have to revise my feminist stance because you have shown me the light. I do not want equality; I want reverence.

    • I respect you because you are honest and if you carry yourself like a lady you deserves “reverence”.

  • Kat

    1. I defeat this by coming to the club unthirsty…. I’m good. I drank my cheap vodka before I came. I worry about the ice cubes cause you know…frozen germs and stuff.

    2. I love vagina’s. Mine and others. Wash. Rinse. Don’t scrub. No Dr. Bronners…at least not the peppermint one unless you dilute! Pro tip- if you smell it. I smell it and Ima let you know. All discharge ain’t equal. Learn your body and it’s natural ebbs and flows. Leave panties alone and let the girl breathe every now and then..especially at night. Why do you need panties to sleep??

    3. I don’t watch movies. I’d rather pluck my toenails. I will read a book all day, end day. I will read a book, while you watch a movie. Please don’t try to pull me into yo movie watching and I won’t read aloud to you. See…compromise.

    • L8Comer

      Yes, no pannies!!! I hate them things

      • Kat

        I don’t get panties. What is their purpose?

        • L8Comer


          • Kat

            LMBAO…fa sho.

          • Quirlygirly

            Bwhahaha- Oppression- Panties chain the Vag?

            • L8Comer

              Girl, yes! I don’t have time for those trappings..hmph

              • PDL – Cape Girl

                Time of the month?

                • L8Comer

                  That’s the only time I succumb. That’s their purpose. But even then, not at night. My body does this weird thing… ever since I was 15 yo, flow will not come if I’m asleep. EVER. I mean I wear no protection and not a drop. She knows my struggle and gives me time off.

        • Wait… like EVER? Nah…I need panties during the day.

          • Kat

            Never. Haven’t worn them since January 2000…the month I exited the military. I had enough of it and them drawers.

            • LOL I can’t. I’m a sweaty somebody and if it gets too juicy down there…I can’t function.

              • Kat

                I had to train her and she had to train me. I’m very cognizant of my moisture

                • “I’m very cognizant of my moisture”

                  *lies on ground*

            • Asiyah

              I have to wear them because of my irregular cycle but I’m going for some variety when I sleep. Some nights on; some nights off. No undies is a good thing at times.

            • L8Comer

              That’s around the same time I started experimenting going drawless

    • Damon Young

      “I defeat this by coming to the club unthirsty”

      This made me laugh

    • You have to leave that cheap vodka alone. They make vodka that doesn’t make you feel like you swallowed a nail.

      • Kat

        I love cheap $8 vodka in plastic squeeze bottle. Love it! I sip just enough to make me smile and then I’m good.

        I am not a connoisseur. I am however cheap.

        • Cheap Vodka and the McRib are two thing this stomach can’t do anymore.

          • Kat

            See now you comparing apples to dog poo…

            • I guess if I ever need a system cleanse…

        • Gbadebo

          Get some Tito’s Vodka in your life. Relatively cheap (compared to the gooses, etc) and just as good, if not better….imo anyways

          • Kat

            Will do.

          • Val

            Tito’s Vodka? Is that a real thing? Lol!

            • Gbadebo

              Ha, it’s real….and it’s good stuff too. Amurrrican made.

              • Jennifer

                Texas made…and my preferred choice for dirty vodka martinis. Woot!

          • Illumina

            I keep having people refer Tito to me.

            • Gbadebo

              If you like vodka…believe the hype

          • Akaria Gale

            Shhhh….now you done told everybody all the basic beoytches gonna drink it. Let the silly gooses empty their wallets on Grey Goose.

        • Question

          Noooooooooooo. Not the plastic….

          *has flashbacks of many a bad Popov night*


          • Kat

            That’s my ish! It’s so unsmooth you put it in dog syrup and still get a good buzz.

    • I think women who wear panties to bed a maniacs. What could you possibly need panties in bed for??????

      • Bras too. My roommate in college thought I was weird for sleeping without one. I’m like, I gotta be freeee!

        • I can’t even imagine wearing a bra to bed…NEVER!!!!

        • Lea Thrace

          When you are deep in that jugg life? In that double, triple D life?You HAVE TO wear a bra at all times. Cause gravity is a destructive and vindictive beeyotch. Even in your sleep.

          -From the Chronicles of An Endowed Woman: An Anthology of the Struggles of the Boob!e Blessed.

          Coming out in 2076 (Or whenever I write it)

          • I’m in that double life and I’ll just take my chances lol. But I feel you. I’m sure mine will be past my ankles in a couple more decades, but they’ll be free nonetheless!

      • Conrad Bess

        What if the fire alarm go off and you gotta make a hasty retreat?

        • Believe it or not, this happened to me before. It was winter too. LOL I…just threw some bottoms on. I mean, the house wasn’t aflame, but the alarm was definitely going off.

    • Asiyah

      Minus the love of vaginas (I can’t stand them and I’m not a lesbian either), I agree with your #2. Let it breathe! Some nights I sleep with undies, other nights I don’t. Gotta give my honey some space to be itself.

  • TJ

    Bruh…Agatha always be knowing!

    Drinks…I do think small talk and a little time is a fair “trade” for a drink. And these drink prices in DC…LAWD. But a drink does not entitle you to any form of il na na.

    Self-cleaning ovens aren’t even self-cleaning. I agree, wash that region. But should you be shooting up Borax up your pocket? Nah. However, culturally-speaking, Haitians have this thing of digging out the slime. That’s a thing my mom has brought to my attention.

    David needs a sense of humor.

    • That “slime” totally needs to be in there.

      • TJ

        Y’all are about to make me call my mom again to clarify. Lol.

    • Rayjulian85

      Actually, borax is a fairly natural treatment for vaginal infections.

      • TJ

        We did make flubber out of Borax in elementary school. Makes sense. I should’ve said Clorox or something. Lmail.

    • L8Comer

      “digging out the slime”

      Wottice this??? Sounds painful… My girl just cringed.

      • TJ

        It’s a Haitian thing from my understanding. You put an index finger in there and fish out the discharge. I might be explaining this wrong. ha!

        • TeeChantel

          Y’all are killing me today. I brought in tuna fish and crackers for today’s lunch.

          • miss t-lee

            Not anymore you aren’t.

        • cakes_and_pies

          Fish out the discharge? What the what? What’s going on with the ham wallets down there?

          • ummm my guess would be BV or yeast. Ain’t no reason you should be able to regularly dig “slime” out your hoohaa

            • miss t-lee

              Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

              • Jennifer

                I see what you did there!

                • miss t-lee

                  I hoped somebody caught it!

        • L8Comer


        • I…don’t think that is how that works.

          • miss t-lee


      • LOL that sounds amazingly awful.

    • Guyanese too. My grandmother used to put Dettol in my bath water.

      • TJ

        Do Guyanese people take this herb-infused bath after giving birth too? It’s supposed to deeply cleanse that whole area.

        • Some of the really “back home” ones do. We have something called “nine day” which is 9 days post-birth, when the family comes by with gifts and money. Prior to that, the woman should be isolated with the baby and on the 9th day she takes a final purifying shower that symbolizes her return to the “regular” world.

  • Naima Oceanlust

    That’s why I accept drinks near the end of our conversation. They owe me. Then, after some sips, a handshake – it was nice meeting you. Debt settled.

  • If it was customary for women to buy drinks for men, I would be reading the Wall Street Journal all week getting ready hold some conversations. Y’all crazy.

    • LadyIbaka

      No we ain’t.

  • LadyIbaka

    If he buys you a drink, all you owe him is a THANK YOU. You are not obligated to dance and or keep him company. He knew going in, he’d either get a yes, or no. If he feels a type of way, let him have all the feels. Perhaps pray that he finds peace, as you shimmy your bad self on the dance floor.

    • Agatha Guilluame

      But now he’s harassing you and you’re now the “victim”.

      • LadyIbaka

        No he is not. Your azz done left

        • Agatha Guilluame


  • Medium Meech

    I’m never buying a woman a drink again. No not because I’m mad about anything you wrote, that was reasonable (I usually buy drinks after we’ve talked or danced a bit, opening with let me by you a drink seems… transactional). It’s the picture. A dude wearing clear frame glasses, a piCaSSo sweatershirt…TWO bottles of Moskato, miniature tribal earrings no discernible hairline or edge up, a wedding/Superbowl ring(?) and a beard that doesn’t connect…

    Is this what women see when you buy them a drink? Unwoke Kendrick Lamar? Doesn’t matter, I can’t be associated with that image in any way.

    • Isn’t that T-Pain in the pic?

      • Aye Bee

        That it is. Mr. Faheem Rashad Najm himself.

        • I like Faheem. Kind of in that irrational way I like Pitbull.

          • Aye Bee

            lol. I like him as well. He always has a way of making catchy toons and I like his actual singing voice too, minus autotune.

            • Yeah, he has a great voice, I wish he would release more music. I’d take it without or without autotune.

      • What is T Pain IS unwoke Kendrick Lamar?

      • Medium Meech

        Makes sense… he has a song called buy you a drank(sic) so I guess that would make him the logical poster boy for that movement. With that in mind…DEFINITELY never buying another drink.

        • I like the way you put it. It does seem a little transactional right at the jump of meeting someone.

          • LadyIbaka

            It’s a damn club, errythang gon be transactional.

            • Medium Meech

              Mami, we not talking about that kind of clu…*sigh**pulls out wad of singles*

              • LadyIbaka

                Club is club oo. High end low end mid range, strip club.

            • Yeah, but there’s got to be a way to work it into the evening, once you’ve gotten to know the person better…

    • That’s Van Gogh.

      • Medium Meech

        Pretty sure that’s T-Pain.

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