Ask Agatha: Regretful Threesomes And Why Men Should Never, Ever, Ever Take Selfies » VSB

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Ask Agatha: Regretful Threesomes And Why Men Should Never, Ever, Ever Take Selfies

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Andre from Patterson, NJ asks:

What are the worst mistake guys make on Social Media?

Taking selfies. There is nothing masculine about a man alone in a bathroom trying to find his best light.

Natasha from Brooklyn, NY asks:

My boyfriend talked me into a threesome. I’d never been with a girl before and I was scared at first but it ended up being fun. Now I’ve suggested we do it again and he’s feeling some type of way. Should I press the issue?

Remember when you used to be able to masturbate using just your imagination and your hand? Then you discovered Pornhub. And you never used your imagination again.

That’s how all sex works. You can’t walk things back. You can’t fuck on the first date and then only want to hold hands on the second. There’s a reason why girls treasure the make-out period. Because once you start having sex he’ll never ever want to make-out again simply for the sake of making out. You make-out out, you fucking. It is what it is.

I know guys who can’t orgasm from a hand job. Or even a blowjob. Those days are far behind them.

I know of guys who can’t get it up just for pussy anymore. Those guys are gay.

I know girls that once they experience sex without a condom…they can’t ever enjoy sex any other way again. The drive is so powerful they’d rather play the STD lottery than have mediocre latex loving.

“You can’t walk strange (sex) back.”

—Anthony Weiner

This fundamental sex rule is the reason I’ll never have anal. What if he loves it and I hate it and now for him everything else we do pales in comparison? What if my vagina becomes a thing he’s just settling for—in the act with a full pout on his face, acting like he’s doing me a favor? No ma’am.

So, on the one hand I blame your boyfriend. He should’ve known better. And he shouldn’t have opened a door he wasn’t prepared to keep open.

On the other hand though, I get why he’s feeling some type of way. Honey, you’re bi-sexual. Surprise! And based on the way you phrased your question…I’m guessing you didn’t think to put a label on all that fun. But at some point during the act, your bi-sexuality was made very obvious to your boyfriend. Clearly, you two girls didn’t spend all of your time focusing on him, like they do in the movies. And now he’s dealing with how he feels about it. Maybe there’s some level of insecurity there, especially since you’re so eager to do it again.

Listen, this would be devastating news if this was a serious relationship but it isn’t. Any relationship where you’re game to introduce other players in the bedroom is already a wash. (Also, he’s an idiot for not knowing what was what the moment he was able to “talk” you into doing it. No straight girl could be talked into messing around with another woman. And no girl that was in love could be talked into sharing. The same is true for men too.) So, I say press the issue. Either he can come along for your journey of discovery or he can stay on the sidelines and wish you the best of luck.

But if he does choose to stick around, be a dear and give him fair warning about the savagery he’s about to be witness to. Like a newly turned vampire.

Regina from Birmingham, Alabama asks:

I’m going to NYC for the first time in my life next month. What should I do when I get there?

What you shouldn’t do is walk around the city with your mouth open, especially in the train station, because you’ll walk past the wrong person and that bum smell will slide down your throat and make your eyes water. That’ll ruin your whole damn day.

And while you’re in the train station, don’t give out your phone number to any “talent scouts.” No, your old ass did not just get discovered. That’s a fake agent but it’ll be a real porno.

And when the train pulls up, DON’T GET ON THE EMPTY TRAINCAR. No, everyone else isn’t just stupidly crowding into one car when there’s a perfectly free car right next to it.

Fine, go ahead and get in the empty car.

If you do give to the homeless, don’t glare self-righteously at the rest of us. We don’t care. We don’t care. We don’t care. We’ve been listening to the same dude trying to scrounge up $90 for a bus ticket to go work on his poor family’s farm in Montana for a decade. He’s never going to Montana. He’s from Poughkeepsie.

And when Marty walks on the train and says, “My name is Marty, I’m homeless and I’m hungry.” Don’t offer him food. You will get spit on and it’s going to land in your open mouth because you didn’t heed the first tip.

If you’ve decided to skip the train altogether, remember to only take the yellow cabs. Don’t take any black livery aka gypsy cabs because it doesn’t cost $60 to go uptown but you won’t know that.

If you’re going to skip public transportation altogether, that’s fine but don’t cross the street just because the people in front of you are crossing the street. Pay attention.

And while you’re on the street, don’t say hello to people. It’s upsetting.

And I guess see the sights.

Lynette from Cincinnati, OH asks:

I hate my boyfriend’s friends—every last one of them. They’re immature, womanizing misogynists and he changes when he’s around them. I’m so tempted to give him an ultimatum to make him choose between us. Should I?

Okay first things first. Your boyfriend changes when he’s around you. When he’s around them, he’s being himself.  And that’s your problem. You don’t like who he is.   So why give ultimatums to people you don’t like? Imagine if you do, and he chooses you, my question becomes, who are you going to point the finger at when you no longer have his friends to blame for his bad behavior?

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • I’ll take as many selfies as I’d like ma’am. I was not given these cheekbones to hide my face or to wait for people with no facial symmetry to sabotage my face with ill-conceived angles. Except bathroom selfies are horrible because there’s so much clutter everywhere. Ideally the best selfies emphasis minimalism and contrasts + good angles.

    I’m not going to say don’t see the sights, but don’t waste your entire or even the majority of your trip to NY seeing the sights and taking the same exact photos everyone takes when they visit NY. You, really REALLY don’t need to see Times Square. By the same token not everything that’s a tourist trap in NY is trash. Strand is a world famous bookstore and is always backed. It’s still a legitimately great bookstore with books regularly cheaper than amazon prices and if you’re in to museums I wouldn’t not recommend going to MoMA ever. Also, I HIGHLY recommend Muji if you’re into any modern Japanese wear or decor.

    As for Ms. Lynette, his friends are probably the best reflection of aspects of his character than almost anything else because those are the people he chooses to be around. And while he may not be as bad as his friends, he assuredly holds and harbors some of those beliefs and feelings regarding women that they constantly talk about.

    • Lea Thrace

      you and your cheekbons. smh

      I mean they are a thing of beauty. But YOU shouldnt know that. LOL!

      • I gotta appreciate them now before winter hits and I wrap my face beneath my scarf.

        • Jennifer

          When the cheekbones go under wraps, you can focus on your smizing.

          • LadyIbaka

            Shaaaaaaaadyyyyyy!!!!!!

  • SoCalGal

    I want to be Agatha when I grow up.

    • 2011k

      Right? With her pretty self

  • Jennifer

    “Taking selfies. There is nothing masculine about a man alone in a bathroom trying to find his best light.”

    Preach. Can we also advise them that a grip of selfies does not make a good portfolio on online dating profiles? Ask your friend to take some full body shots! Go to a happy hour where professional shots are being taken and get in front of the photog. Diversify your portfolio.

    • Um, my current OKCupid has selections from the pro shoot I did. LOL It seems to be effective.

      • Jennifer

        That’s good. You brought your A-game.

        I just don’t know how people expect to catch anyone with blurry, dark, and questionable AF photos. They’re almost as bad as the dudes who provide no profile info and just say “I hate talking about myself, but I’ll answer any questions you have.” Where am I supposed to start, sir? Next.

    • Lol I use pictures I had professionally taken from my birthday photoshoot for my LinkedIn and Facebook.

  • Tentpole

    Great work Agatha.

    • Agatha Guilluame

      Just saw this. Thank you!

  • DCbornGAbred

    Nothing was worse than swiping through Tinder and seeing a “thug” lying on his back in bed in his selfie. Except the bathroom selfie with a dirty mirror. We’ve come too far for this foolishness Black people.

    • HAHA

      “a “thug” lying on his back in bed”

      LOL. You are lying.

      • Jennifer

        Tinder is a confusing place. I have no doubt she’s telling the truth.

        • Tinder is where dreams go to die. The absolute worst.

        • DCbornGAbred

          Listen both of ya’ll need to come swipe in DC… and see the madness that happens here

          • I’ve been so scarred by Philly Tinder I can’t even.

            • DCbornGAbred

              look… when you’re in DC, based on how large your radius is, you get some of Baltimore Tinder too…

          • Jennifer

            Honey, I’m swiping in DC. I know what you speak of. I keep a photo gallery of the lowlights on my phone to amuse myself later.

            • DCbornGAbred

              You are my sister in the struggle.

              • Jennifer

                *Sorry, moderators. I used a curse word that isn’t on the allowable list*

                I will admit that I’ve met more good dudes on Tinder than I have on other sites. You just gotta get through the weeds of naked shots and threesome requests.

                • DCbornGAbred

                  I found my boyfriend on tinder… there are some bright points there. But for the most part, DC tinder is either filled with thuggy selfies or the “I know someone at the White House” pic. Bruh… if you’re a young professional in DC… you probably DO know someone who can get you a White House tour… you’re not special.

      • 2011k

        No lie, no lie, no lie-ee-ie-ee-ie. Very prominent thug picture position in Louisiana.

        • HAHA

          Post a picture. I have to see this.

          • 2011k

            Gimme some time, I’ll find some good ones for ya.

            • HAHA

              *waiting*

              • QuirlyGirly

                *Pulling up a chair beside you waiting for the entertainment to begin

                • Jennifer

                  *sitting next to Quirly with my salad for lunch* Sorry I didn’t bring you anything. Didn’t know you were coming.

                  • HAHA

                    *gives Jennifer the evil eye* So you are not going to share?

                    • Jennifer

                      LOL!

                  • QuirlyGirly

                    Its alright girl- I have a protein bar in my purse

    • Jennifer

      Those are the shots my friends and I screen-cap for our own enjoyment — like the dude who thought it was hot to take a shirtless selfie while scowling with a giant snake around his neck. He needs better people.

      • DCbornGAbred

        UGH… the WORST is when the dude has on a durag and colored contacts and the photo is all airbrushed… HOW DARE YOU say you’re interested in women… WHO.ARE.YOU.FOOLING!??!

  • Yellow Tail

    This whole post is magnificent…just brilliant.

    “You make-out out, you fucking. It is what it is.” – I was just smacked in the face with a moment of clarity. #Amen

    • Aye Bee

      Agatha better preach!!!

    • uNk

      She put my mind at ease for everytime I dropped a woman who gave me some then cut me off to “start things right.”

      • PhlyyPhree

        But I just wanna get to know you better!!!!

        • uNk

          Oh you cant multi-task!?!?

          • HA!!!

          • PhlyyPhree

            No. I can’t get to know all of you if I’m giving you all of me

      • jimmyjam2132

        Sometimes, if ya’ll desperate, you’ll try again to get in where it fit in…but, by then, you’ve already booked yourself a one-way ticket to the friend zone, and there are no returns/exchanges with that ticket…

  • Mika

    no bum smell. I got the giggles so bad from that.

  • haute_coutoy

    LMAO you bring me such joy. I had the “sads” this morning thanks to that video at the school. Well-timed.

  • This is the creepiest set of selfies yet. Why can’t guys perceive creepy? Must be nice. Not all men’s selfies are bad… they just tend to look like mugshots. And mugshots are creepy.

    Natasha needs a new boyfriend. One who will let her be great in the bedroom. I don’t know personally if polyamory works, but it has for a few acquaintances. So if Natasha were my friend I’d tell her to safely get her rocks off. But bring a dude that can hang along for the ride.

    • Medium Meech

      Sawyer…

      • Yes, Medium?

        • Medium Meech

          You seem a little too enthusiastic about her going from trying one et trois to full metal Poly. Too much dissonance between that comment and the baby face in the picture.

          • lol I’m not about that salacious picture life. #rumorsimtryingtostart

            I support Natasha’s new found interests. I had an ex that wouldn’t let me be great in the bedroom and now I’m getting too old for all that. I was robbed of my youth and I won’t let the same happen to Natasha. Nope.

            • Medium Meech

              Yeah, that’s not the business. Expound, how was this ex trying to inhibit your growth?

              • I may have pushed (a little too hard) the pro-threesome argument once or thrice, which, to be fair, he initiated. But he shot me down, bang bang.

                • Medium Meech

                  A part of me wants to break out the #notallmen hashtag. *Looks at picture* another part of me, assuming your ex is the same age, understand why a 14 year old would be intimidated by prospect of two women (assuming it wasn’t a wrong way threesome).

                  • Shady, queen. Naw, we were fake grown ups at the time (20-21). A good long while ago. And also, #ALLthreesomesmatter

                    • Medium Meech

                      Yeah, you aren’t a day over 23.5. And with this additional info I’m upgrading your future to #Malawyer-Ruby. If the relationship doesn’t work out you all can start a law firm that handles Vaginal Mesh lawsuits and Mesothelioma claims.

                    • Medium please, if I were still 23 with what I know now? I wouldn’t even be on VSB right now, I’d be coordinating all the threesomes. Now my joints don’t want me to be fulfilled in matters of the flesh.

              • This guy is always getting the juice out of people.

      • brb Making this the outgoing message on my voicemail. Thanks, ‘Lik!

        (I think he’s playing in Philly soon. Now I kinda really want to see him).

        • You should definitely see him live so you can be the one Black woman in the audience that makes some noise when he asks if there are any brown skin girls there tonight before going into “Brown Skin Girl”.

    • “Why can’t guys perceive creepy?”

      There’s a guy who stays on my FB timeline w/ creepy selfies & in person he’s actually a cool descent looking guy, but he has no self awareness as to how not photogenic he is. I’ve been tempted on many occasions to tell him to stop. What what you do? lol

  • Echo

    Selfie King, those pics always kill me lol. 3some lady, sure, he talked you into it. Wink*wink*. Regina, I hope you have family there to take you around. Old girl, I totally agree with Agatha. You don’t like him either. Around you he is what you want because well cuffing season and it’s a tad late to be looking for a new thang.

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