Ask Agatha: Regretful Threesomes And Why Men Should Never, Ever, Ever Take Selfies » VSB

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Ask Agatha: Regretful Threesomes And Why Men Should Never, Ever, Ever Take Selfies

Andre from Patterson, NJ asks:

What are the worst mistake guys make on Social Media?

Taking selfies. There is nothing masculine about a man alone in a bathroom trying to find his best light.

Natasha from Brooklyn, NY asks:

My boyfriend talked me into a threesome. I’d never been with a girl before and I was scared at first but it ended up being fun. Now I’ve suggested we do it again and he’s feeling some type of way. Should I press the issue?

Remember when you used to be able to masturbate using just your imagination and your hand? Then you discovered Pornhub. And you never used your imagination again.

That’s how all sex works. You can’t walk things back. You can’t fuck on the first date and then only want to hold hands on the second. There’s a reason why girls treasure the make-out period. Because once you start having sex he’ll never ever want to make-out again simply for the sake of making out. You make-out out, you fucking. It is what it is.

I know guys who can’t orgasm from a hand job. Or even a blowjob. Those days are far behind them.

I know of guys who can’t get it up just for pussy anymore. Those guys are gay.

I know girls that once they experience sex without a condom…they can’t ever enjoy sex any other way again. The drive is so powerful they’d rather play the STD lottery than have mediocre latex loving.

“You can’t walk strange (sex) back.”

—Anthony Weiner

This fundamental sex rule is the reason I’ll never have anal. What if he loves it and I hate it and now for him everything else we do pales in comparison? What if my vagina becomes a thing he’s just settling for—in the act with a full pout on his face, acting like he’s doing me a favor? No ma’am.

So, on the one hand I blame your boyfriend. He should’ve known better. And he shouldn’t have opened a door he wasn’t prepared to keep open.

On the other hand though, I get why he’s feeling some type of way. Honey, you’re bi-sexual. Surprise! And based on the way you phrased your question…I’m guessing you didn’t think to put a label on all that fun. But at some point during the act, your bi-sexuality was made very obvious to your boyfriend. Clearly, you two girls didn’t spend all of your time focusing on him, like they do in the movies. And now he’s dealing with how he feels about it. Maybe there’s some level of insecurity there, especially since you’re so eager to do it again.

Listen, this would be devastating news if this was a serious relationship but it isn’t. Any relationship where you’re game to introduce other players in the bedroom is already a wash. (Also, he’s an idiot for not knowing what was what the moment he was able to “talk” you into doing it. No straight girl could be talked into messing around with another woman. And no girl that was in love could be talked into sharing. The same is true for men too.) So, I say press the issue. Either he can come along for your journey of discovery or he can stay on the sidelines and wish you the best of luck.

But if he does choose to stick around, be a dear and give him fair warning about the savagery he’s about to be witness to. Like a newly turned vampire.

Regina from Birmingham, Alabama asks:

I’m going to NYC for the first time in my life next month. What should I do when I get there?

What you shouldn’t do is walk around the city with your mouth open, especially in the train station, because you’ll walk past the wrong person and that bum smell will slide down your throat and make your eyes water. That’ll ruin your whole damn day.

And while you’re in the train station, don’t give out your phone number to any “talent scouts.” No, your old ass did not just get discovered. That’s a fake agent but it’ll be a real porno.

And when the train pulls up, DON’T GET ON THE EMPTY TRAINCAR. No, everyone else isn’t just stupidly crowding into one car when there’s a perfectly free car right next to it.

Fine, go ahead and get in the empty car.

If you do give to the homeless, don’t glare self-righteously at the rest of us. We don’t care. We don’t care. We don’t care. We’ve been listening to the same dude trying to scrounge up $90 for a bus ticket to go work on his poor family’s farm in Montana for a decade. He’s never going to Montana. He’s from Poughkeepsie.

And when Marty walks on the train and says, “My name is Marty, I’m homeless and I’m hungry.” Don’t offer him food. You will get spit on and it’s going to land in your open mouth because you didn’t heed the first tip.

If you’ve decided to skip the train altogether, remember to only take the yellow cabs. Don’t take any black livery aka gypsy cabs because it doesn’t cost $60 to go uptown but you won’t know that.

If you’re going to skip public transportation altogether, that’s fine but don’t cross the street just because the people in front of you are crossing the street. Pay attention.

And while you’re on the street, don’t say hello to people. It’s upsetting.

And I guess see the sights.

Lynette from Cincinnati, OH asks:

I hate my boyfriend’s friends—every last one of them. They’re immature, womanizing misogynists and he changes when he’s around them. I’m so tempted to give him an ultimatum to make him choose between us. Should I?

Okay first things first. Your boyfriend changes when he’s around you. When he’s around them, he’s being himself.  And that’s your problem. You don’t like who he is.   So why give ultimatums to people you don’t like? Imagine if you do, and he chooses you, my question becomes, who are you going to point the finger at when you no longer have his friends to blame for his bad behavior?

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • YeaSoh

    Word.

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    You should write professionally…..seriously

  • Brandon Allen

    Selfies are and always been a no no. If someone can’t take the picture for you it doesn’t need to be taken.

  • If you’re a tourist in any major city, try to avoid actually looking like one. Play it cool and don’t stare at the tall, impressive buildings for too long. You may as well have a flashing neon sign on your head that says “please rip me off”.

    Also, if you’re taking the metro, please don’t stand on the ‘walking’ side of the escalators unless you want to get trampled like Mufasa by folks running late for work.

    • NapkinsAndCommas

      Yes, no escalefting. DC area tourists are famous for it.

      • Don’t know about NYC but those escalators in DC are terrifying.

        • QueLoQue

          Is that a selfie bruh?

          • Nope, wife took it.

            • QueLoQue

              aight, just makin sure

              • Doesn’t matter, really. I look crazy at all angles.

      • Jennifer

        Girl! In the Spring and Summer in DC, I just resign myself to the fact that it’s gonna take me extra time to travel up those metro escalators. I don’t feel like bobbing and weaving between a class of 100 middle school kids from Oklahoma and their fanny-pack wearing chaperones.

        • NapkinsAndCommas

          Zactly, it’s like an obstacle course. With their matching neon t-shirts with coupon books for the food court. The throngs are so real.

          • Jennifer

            Why do they all have those neon t-shirts? Is that supposed to be a way to tell their kids apart from the masses?

            • NapkinsAndCommas

              I actually don’t get to Union often and when I do it’s not bad. Pentagon City is the mecca for the field trips, but I guess I can’t complain because they’re doing their part to keep the economy rolling. And yeah, those shirts/beacons are for identifying purposes, though I dunno why so bright? Sigh.

    • Aly

      I stared. And took lots of pictures idc idc. It was the first and maybe last time I was in Times Square and I was gonna enjoy it. I did almost get hit by a cab, though.

      • That girl MEL!

        In Times Square I feel it’s the PERFECT time to stare – there’s flashing lights EVERYWHERE! But once you hit the train and head to the boroughs, get you mind right and you game face on.

        • Aly

          Right. It’s one of the most popular tourist destinations in the world and people are excited to be there! (I know I was). But yeah, you’re right about the train. I had to be reminded to pay attention and put my phone away lol.

          • HeyBooHey

            Oh, don’t ever have your phone out on the train. Especially if it’s nice, shiny and the school kids are out

            • Aly

              Yes ma’am :)

      • Asiyah

        when was this? come through again we can explore nontourist areas!

        • Aly

          A few years ago. Yolie and Rewind and Rewind’s friend showed me around. I would definitely love to come back and see some nontourist parts of the city.

          • What are you interesting in seeing?

    • The best thing to happen to the tourist game is smartphones with map navigation. I was last in NYC in May, but when I needed to walk some place, I plugged the address in on Google maps, popped in my earbuds, and walked down the street like I’d lived there forever. (The subway app is also 100 emoji flames emoji.)

      Last summer I was in NYC with my cousin and his wife, who wanted to do every touristy thing. I eventually left them to do the ferry ride to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty while I walked around FiDi up to Tribeca. So purposeful was my look–crossbody bag, high top sneakers, earbuds in–that a couple asked me for directions in Tribeca. I gave them directions. But I realized after they left that I was a block off in what they were looking for lol. Ah well.

      • Jennifer

        Yep. That came in handy when I was London this year. At least NYC is a big grid; London is just a big mess.

      • Vanity in Peril

        My dude’s birthday is today and we went to NYC for the day as he lived there for a decade and his mom lives there still. I told him, “I’m gonna make a run for bagels” which turned into me trying to find the good health food store from last visit which turned into me being We gotz to go back to the island lost in a matter of seconds.

        I need to get some earbuds.

        • Girl, yes! You look like you know where you’re going, but that Google app is the one leading the way.

          And happy bday to your boo!

  • Lord, Agatha, did we need you today. I disagree with your take on anal. I had a young lady request it once; not my favorite thing.

  • miss t-lee

    I had totally forgotten about the selfie king up top until this picture…lol
    Dudes ain’t ever gonna find their best angles or best light…and I really don’t expect them to.

  • HAHA

    Don’t ever let it be said that I don’t care about our VSBs. Here is a gift so that y’all don’t end up like ole boy in the second picture.

    • Aly

      Yikes.

    • PDL – Cape Girl

      I.AM.LAUGHING.SO.HARD…..cackling!!! Why, just why??? Why are you naked and taking pics? QTNA

      • HAHA

        LOL

    • 2011k

      Lawwwwwwwddddd!! Jesus, take the wheel, be a fence and some well-placed baby wipes

    • NomadaNare

      x_X

    • QuirlyGirly

      OK.. Why oh Why did you do this to me HAHA

      * Here lies QG. She read, she posted and she died laughing at a self pic of a$$

      • HAHA

        I do it for the children.

    • Julie Mango TheGladiator Staff

      <—laying ALL of my burdens down by the river side

    • TMonique

      I’m so done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      #realtears
      #mustleavetheofficeimmediately

    • Leigh

      *found a casket, laid in it, starting to stink* I’M DONE!!!!

  • OSHH

    “Some steps, once taken, cannot be retraced. Some appetites, once freed, become a prison.” Michael Gerson

    *Back to occasional lurk mode*

  • Nicole Reed

    Why won’t Discus just let me be great?

    • Lea Thrace

      cause you left out that q in its name. It’s a shady bit(h

      • HAHA

        *FLATLINE*

      • Nicole Reed

        I spelled it right but autocorrect is a hater and an instigator and wanted to stir the pot.

        • Lea Thrace

          autocorrect is a shady bish too.

  • HeyBooHey

    Regina from Bama also needs not just stop suddenly and stand in the middle of the sidewalk gazing up at buildings/down at a map/around at the sights/into a camera. Do it on the wrong street during lunchtime or rush hour when folk are trying to get home and you may be cursed out or yelled at to go back from whence you came. And don’t walk up to black people and ask them racist-type questions like “how do I get to Harlem/Brooklyn?” They’re gentrified, YT people know better than me at this point.

    No threesome formed around me shall prosper.

    Men, show your prospective mate any selfies in your possession. If they come out looking like you’ve just witnessed a three-legged troll, I can assume you don’t practice giving face in the mirror. If you look like an IG/GQ model, I’m fleeing. If you even have any selfies, I’ll assume that you’re a Kappa and will not take you seriously

    • Mika

      This Kappa shade was, well, lovely. I always hate when they send a selfie when you didn’t ask for a pic. I dont even like asking dudes for pics, like fam, why do you have these selfies on deck? I need answers.

      • HeyBooHey

        Unsolicited selfies are terroristic actions that warrant a block of all communication. Especially if it’s a selfie that he has on deck

        • 2011k

          Man lissen, I just reply with “Oh ok” and keep it moving

        • PhlyyPhree

          Because you know it’s only a slight step from an unsolicited selfie to an uncalled for d ick pic

          • HeyBooHey

            Unrequested d*ck pics are grounds for sexual harassment charges. Don’t do it fellas, please don’t do it. Cuz if you send that pic, my girls will go and view it

    • Medium Meech

      Does not take you seriously mean hit it and quit it? If so…

      • HeyBooHey

        Possibly. Or it could mean I’m fleeing in the other direction

        • Medium Meech

          So are my odds 50/50, 97/3…

          • HeyBooHey

            If you’re a Kappa, it depends primarily on your shimmy abilities. If you’re not, your chances are higher

            • QuirlyGirly

              And the Kappa slander continues

            • Medium Meech

              The ones that slander hardest love Kappas the most. It comes from a place where love once lived but now hate tries to protect.

              • HeyBooHey

                LOL! I’ve never loved a Kappa. I have, however, had Kappa friends and friends who’ve loved them, which allowed me to observe Kappa-like ways in pure amusement

    • uNk

      “If you even have any selfies, I’ll assume that you’re a Kappa and will not take you seriously”

      Its not nice to assume ma’am…

      • HeyBooHey

        19.11% of the time, they’ve been of the Kappa preference. I stand by my assumption

        • 19.11%. I see what you did there.

        • uNk

          well theres also an 19.06% chance that another org could be the culprit. Although, they are less frequent lol

          • HeyBooHey

            Nope, never. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – Kappas always gon Kap. That includes expertly taken selfies in the finest of light with expert smizing and lip biting techniques. The others pretend to not care a photo is being taken. BIG diff

            • Jennifer

              “That includes expertly taken selfies in the finest of light with expert smizing and lip biting techniques.”

              LMAO! It’s funny cuz it’s true.

        • Superstrings

          Very clever

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