Ask Agatha: Reckless Flirting, Fronting On Black Twitter, And Wiping While Sitting
Before we dive into this week’s questions, I want to apologize to my constant reader[s] for my absence (hey Kas). You see what had happened was, I haven’t been getting any good questions and Damon never put out the call like I so sweetly asked because apparently he has a popular site to run and a busy home life yadda yadda yadda. Basically, I’m apologizing without taking any real ownership.
It’s the VSB way.
*runs to the comments section to jump on the neck of anybody who got something slick to say*
Also, Dhiraj Naseen is one writing ass bih. Every week I think she won’t/can’t be as funny/clever as she was last week with her Love and Hip Hop reviews and every week she proves me wrong. So, cheers to that.
Now, on to the questions…
Buki from Chicago, Ill Asks
Memorial weekend, my bf and I went to my girlfriend’s cookout. She has it every year but since he’s newly minted, this was his first time. This was also our first time at a group thing. We’ve been pretty wrapped up in each other for the past few months but I was excited to take him and show him off basically. Then we get there, after having to practically drag him, as if I hadn’t told him about it repeatedly over the last couple weeks, and he EMBARRASSES me. He went from not even WANTING to go to FLIRTING with EVERY BITCH there. One chick especially, who I don’t fuck with, was all over him and he seemed to encourage it. We had it out in the car on the way home and he said I should’ve just pulled him away if I had such a problem. BUT he won’t even cop to the disrespect. My best friend thinks his behavior is a MAJOR red flag. So what should I do Ms. Agatha? Should I just cut my losses?
(Sorry. Old joke.)
Damn. Don’t niggas get second chances anymore? When did once become a pattern?
I mean your friend is right. Your boyfriend’s behavior at the cookout (which was clearly LIT) is a major red flag.
But before we get into why. Let’s first discuss what really happened.
This is your boyfriend.
And I know this because you said so.
This is a new relationship.
And I know this because you said so.
So assuming you’re both on the same page about the title and the status of your relationship (and about being wrapped up in each other for the last few months) then I’d have to assume that his flirting at the party was a one man, one act play, for an audience of one.
If your s/o, man or woman, does some fughazi ass shit like that IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE then rest assured they’re doing it for your benefit. They’re putting on a show for you and you only. Don’t worry about the other women because it’s not about the other women.
But yes, what he did is a major red flag but not because it indicates he’s clearly the cheating type but because it indicates without a doubt that he’s petty as all fucks.
(And if I never write another advice column again, the one thing I’d want you all to takeaway is to RUN not walk from petty ass niggas, except you Buki. You stay.)
Cheaters don’t advertise. And they certainly wouldn’t do anything as juvenile as openly flirting with your friends far less your frenemies. A cheater’s bread and butter is coming off as the perfect boyfriend, especially to your friends. They’re all very much invested in the idea of not raising suspicion. So flirting with some chick you hate is pure amateur hour.
A real cheater is going to make sure there’s at least six degrees of separation between you and any chick he takes down. (And I know Love & Hip Hop and Jerry Springer have taught us differently but just think about your own life and the people you know.)
So yeah, major red flag but not because he might could be a cheater (I mean they all could be) but because for whatever reason (maybe because you dragged him to a party he didn’t want to go to), your boyfriend wanted to hurt your feelings by making you jealous. And that’s really shitty. And weak. And immature.
So should you cut your losses?
Nah hoe. This was just your first fight. Relax.
Tashana from Houston, TX asks:
So I’m new to Twitter. Better late than never right? And I’ve quickly gotten swept up in black twitter, like I don’t even remember what I used to do with the time I now devote to keeping up with the trending topics. One thing bugs though, the fronting. So many of the women on there, who aren’t that different from me, should be relatable but instead I don’t get them at all. I feel alienated from this tribe of sistas. I mean what the fuck is self-care?
I’m pretty sure self-care is the time you spend detangling and co-washing your 4C hair.
Or maybe it’s the time you spend masturbating.
How is this not relatable Tashana?
Who do you think is on the other side of that Twitter handle?
Do you naively assume it’s someone with all the answers?
Have you not seen Catfish?
What about someone who is able to devote 25 hours in a 24-hour day to discussing the intricacies of nothing at all into a void says this is a person complete, fulfilled and living their best life?
So of course they front.
And why not. We’re all bored here.
Being an adult is fucking boring.
(When did that happen y’all? I almost feel like having a trap baby to spice shit up. Does anyone know where Steph Curry hangs out after games? ? This is a joke. I rarely do disclaimers but Lord knows I don’t want the wrong people getting the wrong idea. I wouldn’t want to have to discuss what I meant by XYZ when I didn’t mean anything by XYZ.)
So these Twitter sistas (brothas too) front.
They pretend and they rah-rah and the stand they take today will be diametrically opposed to the stand they take tomorrow ‘cause new topic and shit.
Tashana, there’s a girl.
A plain girl.
Smart but not brilliant.
Clever but not funny.
Smiling in her selfies but not happy.
Let’s call her Jane.
Jane is on Twitter.
Jane has amassed a respectable number of followers—mostly other Janes (and Ricky types).
Her desire to be one of the cool kids (ya know, special) had her on the ground floor of most social media platforms (she’ll occasionally, ever so casually mention, in weary tones, that she’s a Twitter OG–she won’t mention her defunct Etsy site, and the Tumblr, and the Pinterest page and the blog. Well there was more than one blog. And the YouTube DIY page and her attempt at navigating Google+ or her Hi5 account or the Match.com profile or the new Periscope and the still too important Facebook and her painstakingly curated Instagram).
Jane is underemployed.
Jane, sitting at her desk, wearing some soft-soled orthopedic flats is engrossed in a debate with another Twitter OG about how hard it is to have to dress for the male gaze.
Jane hasn’t shaved above her knee in 365 days.
Jane is full of shit.
Ignore the Janes.
And enjoy everyone else on Black Twitter.
Pablo from Harlem, NY asks:
I don’t know how this argument even came up amongst my friends but it did. And I had to leave my group chat because they’re clearly all animals. I thought I was living in a civilized society but apparently I’m living in the wild wild fucking west. So my question to you is, after you poop, do you wipe sitting down or standing up? Because I wipe sitting down. Front to back. Like a gentleman.
You wipe sitting down?
Front to back?? Like a woman?
What sorta broken home shit…
So you reach down between your legs blind…
But what about your…
And your friends stand? And do what? Gently hold one ass cheek to the side?
How do you stand to wipe?
No one stands to wipe.
Pablo, you just lean forward and lift one ass cheek off the seat. Like a human being.
***If you have any questions for Agatha, email us at email@example.com, with “Ask Agatha” as the subject. Also, if you want to hear her stereotypically New York-ass voice, listen to this podcast she did with VSB’s own Brandon Allen***