Ask Agatha: “Is My Girlfriend Just Not That Into Me Anymore?” » VSB

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Ask Agatha: “Is My Girlfriend Just Not That Into Me Anymore?”

***By the time you all read this, I’ll be on an island basking in the sunshine but since one of my faithful readers said sunlight is for closers, I figured I should stop dicking around with this advice column and write something so I can enjoy these island rays guilt free. I can’t guarantee another post next week because I’ll still be on vacation but beggars can’t be choosers Phlyy. In the meantime, while I’m shaking my ass in Jouvert, there are 101 other female writers Damon thinks y’all should checkout.

–signed, VSB’s 102nd Favorite Female Writer (We beefing foreva Day Moan)***

Nick from Atlanta, GA asks:

My girl and I have been on and off for a few years and recently, after a lot of conversations and a lot of promises made by both of us to do better, we’ve been back on but she’s gotten too comfortable. I feel like we’re not on the same page. I thought it was a fresh start but for her it seems to just be a continuation. She seems to feel we’re good but I feel like we’re in a bit of a rut. I mean we’re not even having sex. And before you suggest I take it upon myself to spice things up, I’ve already tried that, exhibit A (I’m in blue):

pic 11

Just to be clear, I had her food ready but after she ate, she said she had a headache and went to bed. I left and went back to my place and the next day when I tried to talk about it, she flipped it on me by saying I only care about sex and not the fact that she had a migraine. Exhibit B:


So where do we go from here Agie?

Nick is it? Nick. I’ve never seen a relationship die in real time before. It’s like you see the cow in the field off the highway and you see the steak on your plate but I feel like you took me to the slaughter house and made me watch as they shot the cow in the head with a bolt gun. Dammit Nick, now I finally understand the term “death knell.” Because that’s what the line “I just want to…travel, eat good and laugh a lot” was, it was the sound of your relationship dying. It dead. So the only thing left to do is mourn it and move on.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s walk this whole thing back.

For those of you playing along, I hope you didn’t make a drinking game of the number of times homegirl mentioned or referenced food, because you’re at work. And you shouldn’t drink on the job.

But back to you Nick. So you and your soon-to-be ex have been on and off for years. That’s your first red flag. You’re only allowed one dramatic breakup and reconnection per couple. Any more than one and you stop taking each other seriously. It’s the reason why homegirl probably didn’t even roll over when you stormed out of her apartment. She probably burped (because good food) and muttered “he’ll be back” as she flipped her pillow to the cool side.

Your second red flag was the fact that you all haven’t had sex for weeks. Which is fine and dandy if it’s fine and dandy but clearly you’ve had issues with it which makes it an issue but yet…

You see I wasn’t sure if homegirl even knew that there’d been a drought or that you’ve been feeling the lack and her LOLs and requests for food in response to your “how nasty you want it? I been really waiting to put it on you for some weeks!!” almost made me miss it but she fully acknowledges, but without the least bit of contrition, that she’s been aware of your need, with her “I know you been waiting, acting up too LOL.”


What a motherly thing to say.

She’s made sex a favor she’s doing for you. And I wonder why it’s so low on the totem pole for her. Doesn’t she have needs? It didn’t even make the list of things she wanted out of life. And come to think of it, you know what else didn’t make that list? Love.

Whether she knew it or not…her relationship was dying and she didn’t even bother to fight for it. There was no mention of love. From either one of you. Red flag number three.

Food was mentioned four times and love, other than that parting dig, not at all.

And you know sometimes you fight about one thing when the fight is actually about something else but based on that very painful attempt at sexting…it seems like for her, she was just hungry.

So why’d you “bear her up” about it? I mean, you made steak and you also made Her. This. Way.

I’m pretty sure by this point in the text exchange she was just clowning you. I mean she had to be. How else could she manage to blame you all while nailing her own self to the cross?

She just wants to know you’ll take care of her no matter what. The guilt trip.

She just wants to push forward. The appeal to reason.

She just wants to travel, eat good and laugh a lot. The truth.

So homegirl how do you get there without ever taking ownership? How do you shift blame to the point that now he’s the problem. How do you insist on discussing your own needs but not his?

Nick this is a professional driving on an enclosed track.

You’re outmatched.

You’re the Birdman to her Charlemagne (sp?) so are you finished or are you done?

Because there’s really no place to go from here.

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • Kas

    About dayum time!!! Now let me actually read it.

  • miss t-lee

    Every last one of these text message convos dayum near gave me a migraine.

    • PhlyyPhree

      EVUHRY ONE!!!!
      I’m almost as mad at the time I wasted reading these texts as I am about the time Nick wasted being in this dam ned relationship in the first place.

      • miss t-lee

        Thank you.
        I feel like I need those 5 minutes of my life back.

    • Cleojonz

      Every.Single.D*mned.One. It’s really not suppose to be this hard. 5 years of that nonsense. No way in hayle!

      • miss t-lee


  • Baemie St. Patrick

    Like, I’m not mad @ her. Food>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> people.

    • Cleojonz

      Food is first. ALWAYS!

    • Can you cook tho

      • Baemie St. Patrick

        nah but I can make dayumed good reservations. Chu want, boo?

        • LadyIbaka

          Great response!

    • mr. steal your costco samples

      well, I mean, you can literally die without the former, but still

    • Epsilonicus

      She aint sh*t for this one

    • Glo

      This weekend I may or may not have drunk texted a guy for 2 hours about how much I love food.

      He thought it was hilarious, but I don’t think he understood how real I was being.

      • brothaskeeper

        How’d you get my number, anyway?

        • Glo

          I have my ways.

    • LMNOP

      In my 33 years on this planet Ive had food poisoning once. But people is a whole nother story.

      • Baemie St. Patrick

        I was just thinking this.

      • Ari

        Now this is gospel.

  • Ess Tee

    Where do you go from here, Nick? It don’t even matter because ol’ girl has already decided that she ain’t going with you.

    • PhlyyPhree

      LMAO. How. Did. Nick. Gethere???

  • Breezy

    She probably was wearing a housecoat…with house slippers…and a satin bonnet…sitting on the sofa waiting on him to plate her food…asked him to bring her a Bud Light Platinum…and the remote…

    • Simone_was_taken


    • Mika

      Time of death, 2:39pm

    • Amen

      Yo….international “it’s not going down” outfit.

      • Sandraganderson1

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cc397atwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cc397a:?:?:???? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsOnlyGetPayHourly$98…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!cc397a….,..

      • Doris Richardson

        “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cc49etwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cc49e:?:?:???? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsTalkGetPayHourly$98…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!cc49e….,…

  • Travel eat good and laugh a lot is my mantra for life

    • miss t-lee

      I mean, I kinda felt her on that…lol

      • Cleojonz

        yep, but just the fact that she declared it- clear to me she wasn’t trying to do it all with Nick. Poor lil tink tink.

        • miss t-lee

          poor little, sweet little.

    • PhlyyPhree

      It sounds like some Iyanla realness I can get behind.

    • Enatiomer

      Thought you sent this one in tbh

      • Baemie St. Patrick



        I’m CRINE.

      • Baemie St. Patrick

        but on the lowest of keys…..

        • Enatiomer

          The HIghest of keys, had me like oh poor Tristan, I mean tink tink

      • Tuh. Im classy…..and an android user.

        • Enatiomer

          Sir. SIR! You’re e-savagery is renowned.

          • I was clearly a happily married man a month ago

            • Enatiomer

              Only for the culture….of course

          • Baemie St. Patrick

            *sips all this tea being spilled*

    • Gibbous

      Mine too, but I won’t drag anybody along with me. I just do it by myself or with anybody who WANTS to join in.

      All of this is too much drama for me anyway. An honest 5 minute conversation months ago would have prevented this from happening in the first place. I have no patience for either of them.

  • mr. steal your costco samples

    this is horrific. it’s hard to move on, but this dude gotta step away. she got his kid, too?

    i can’t even

  • PhlyyPhree

    I hope you choke on your coconut water. Not choke and die, but choke just enough to make you turn red and have to ask a stranger for help thus becoming “The American who can’t even properly drink a coconut” for at least two days on your vacation.
    Buuuuttttt…I did ask for a post and you delivered!!! So may there also be some island peen to ruin your life and your credit before you come home. Lol.

    Nick only asked you this question because he wanted to know how to end this. His girl knows this relationship is over. He knows this relationship is over. The dog knows this relationship is over. Hayle, we in the comments don’t even have to be very smart to see that this relationship? Over.
    What Nick really came here for is absolution and a way to get HER to break up with him so he can use it for pity p*ssy points for the next three months or so.

    • DBoySlim

      Thanks for pulling her out of the shadows. I love these posts.

    • miss t-lee

      “Nick only asked you this question because he wanted to know how to end this. His girl knows this relationship is over. He knows this relationship is over. The dog knows this relationship is over.”

      Tension in that house gotta be thick as Jazmine Sullivan.

      • PhlyyPhree

        and that my friend, is THIIIICKKKKKKKK!

        *sorry. Had a moment remembering her recent “twerk” video.

        I don’t think Nick and PassiveAgressivePatty live together, if I read his question correctly. Which means he has ample opportunity to just disappear. And not go back. So I don’t know why he does. Mind boggling.

        • miss t-lee

          Sometimes folks get used to being treated a certain way, he ain’t tryna go because at least it’s something.
          That’s my only conclusion to this.

        • Ari

          Something tells me he’s grown accustomed to this type of behavior in most if not all of his relationships.

          • miss t-lee


      • They should put hits out on each other to spare the rest of the single folks from their mess because it will spread to the next relationship.

        • miss t-lee

          This is definitely the type of thing that will spread to others.

    • Lea Thrace

      *clutches pearls* Not the island peen curse!

      Even Agie doesnt deserve that.

      • PhlyyPhree

        What Agie YOU know???
        I’m just saying; it’s like spiderman…everybody gets one. It won’t kill her.

        • Lea Thrace

          island peen carries a certain risk of death tho

          • Quirlygirly

            It needs to come with a disclaimer..Consumption of this peen may cause loss of emotions, money, sanity and even death. Consume at your own risk

        • brothaskeeper

          Why is there not such a thing as island vadge?

          • NonyaB

            Who says there isn’t? Men just too proud to confess. Ask Rihanna? ?

            • brothaskeeper


          • There is.

            • Lea Thrace

              educate the brother!

          • PhlyyPhree

            Pregnant Punany. I heard it’s the equivalent.

            • brothaskeeper

              Three’s a crowd, my damie. I want my Caribbean cooch duty-free.

            • Alpha Man 06

              Yes, The Best I Ever Had! Needs to be bottled and sold at Whole Foods…lol

      • She kinda does

        • Lea Thrace

          I’m trying to stay on her good side so…

        • PhlyyPhree

          She definitely does. But I mean that in the friendliest way possible

      • LadyIbaka

        Expound what’s the curse?

        • NonyaB

          Basically dyck so bomb, you lose your senses permanently; lifetime of bad decisions, many around the same ninja. See Lauryn Hill.

          • EclecticSarah

            …And Terry McMillan

    • Quirlygirly

      You cold Phree, 1st you make her choke on coconut water and then curse her with island peen..remind me never to get on your bad side.

      • PhlyyPhree

        LOL!!! I was sending her the island peen because I wanted her to have something to remember her vacation by and smile! It wasn’t a curse. It was a wish for happiness.

        • Kas

          Mmmm Hmmm

        • Baemie St. Patrick

          Dexter St. Jacques doesn’t cause happiness; he causes ruination.

          • PhlyyPhree

            LMAO. Dexter St. Jacques..
            With a name like that? You right…
            …but oh, what a way to go.

          • Wild Cougar

            Not if you leave the island……

    • Baemie St. Patrick

      why would you wish island peen on her. You really don’t like her, do you?

      • PhlyyPhree

        Lol. I adore Agie believe it or not. In my head, we are frienz!
        I have faith in her. She’s resilient. Island peen won’t kill her. And if it does, at least she can write some questions to herself under pseudonyms and answer them for us all to read. Lol.

    • Enatiomer

      This you for real with that island peen curse–

      • PinkRose

        Is that enantiomer as in the opposite of diastereomer, lol?? How many chiral carbons you got, ROTFL??

        • Cj

          Chem nerd

          • PinkRose

            Know it all too well, got 2 Chem degrees to show for it!! ;)

    • Asiyah

      I didn’t mean to reply to you Phlyy lol and I agree with you to an extent.

    • Blueberry01

      Did you just say, “pity p*ssy points”? LOL!

  • inYOface

    she doesn’t even have the decency to dump him (closure), so he can move on.

  • DBoySlim

    I felt the sadness through the screen. Tragic.

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