Ask Agatha: “I’m Losing My Best Friend To Her Boyfriend. What Should I Do?” » VSB

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Ask Agatha: “I’m Losing My Best Friend To Her Boyfriend. What Should I Do?”

The CW screenshot

 

Jaye from San Francisco, CA asks:

My best friend, my ace boon coon, the Nettie to my Celie lives about two hours away from me. She is a hardworking educator so I rarely get to see her (about once a month, if that, which is a long time in best friend years). Anyhow when she comes to see me, I like to treat my friend. She pours her heart into her job but because she’s a public teacher she doesn’t get to see the fruits of her labor. She’s also the breadwinner in her relationship and has supported her man through his many, MANY, MANY, many, MANY, MANY, jobs. With that being said, I value her hard work so I like to do nice things for her not only because I know she appreciates it but also because I like to do fancy shit that she wouldn’t otherwise pay for on her dime. Recently she revealed to me that her boyfriend does not appreciate “my tricking” in his words. She told me he asks, “Why am I always doing nice things for her and why I never invite him out for our excursions?” To make matters worse, the last time she was packing to come see me and put a low cut dress in her bag he said to her, “Why don’t you ever wear things like that for me?” Instead of responding like a sensible human being, she says, “Because you never take me anywhere where I can wear it!” Ouch right? Well it seems that lately she hasn’t been coming as often to satisfy his insecurities. I feel like I’m losing my friend so I want to rectify the situation. At the same time, I’m selfish and really don’t want to invite him out. I mean girl’s time is girl’s time right? Or not? What should I do Agatha?

Hey Jaye.

I haven’t decided if I’m going to answer this question yet. I’m sure getting an answer is important to you but I don’t know if giving you an answer is important to me. Yet.

But lets talk anyway.

I feel like I can talk to you. I feel like maybe you’d understand.

You see, when I first got your question, several weeks ago, I was embroiled in my own tricky sista girl, girl friendship, my God we’re not fucking but you’ve got my blood boiling situation.

Jaye, do you remember your first best friend? And how being around her made your heart feel all soft and melty? And how you’d sit next to her, knees touching, temples kissing and you’d willingly share your favorite snacks and your darkest secrets? And while listening you found yourself wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her against your meager chest, offering the only comfort you could because this was the kind of secret you kept for good. Do you remember that time she came home with you after school because you wanted her to see your new doll and you told her she could stay for dinner, only to have your mom yell “I wonder what she’s going to eat. You know we have any flicking food for the neighbors chirren, eh?” And you found yourself answering back because you hadn’t quite learned that mothers’ questions are mostly always rhetorical. And so you got your ass beat, in front of your very best friend and you felt deeply embarrassed because now she knew you were powerless too.

And that friendship doesn’t last. It can’t.

Or at least it hasn’t ever for me.

My best friendships always burn fast and hot.

You see, when a girl meets another girl and there’s chemistry…

It’s that moment from childhood all over again—with your heart feeling all soft and melty. And you want to be a champion for the person that seems so like yourself and not just because you both hate watch the same shows and love the same kind of music but because all those shared confidences, all that raw emotion has you looking at someone and knowing that yeah they’re them but they’re also you. That corny and powerful “I see you.”

And girl friendships even the lightweight we just have lunch together because we work on the same floor friendships demand so much.

Women demand that you strip naked.

And even then they insist that you peel off your skin and open your chest wall so they can inspect your heart.

And then when you think they’re done, they ask you to strip even that, to peel it all away until they get to your very soul.

And then the lights in the club come on and you’re standing there, sweaty and punch drunk and exposed. Or at least that’s how it feels sometimes.

Girl friendships are unequivocating, they insist, they demand, they want every piece of you, naked and vulnerable. In fact, it’s this unwillingness to give into the sista girl’s tribes’ insistence on this kind of rawness that’s the basis of half of all female beefs (the other half of all female beefs is beef, a-duh). Every time one group of girls hates another girl, it’s because they’ve looked at her and seen right through her façade and so they despise her continued pretense.

“She thinks she’s so hot.”

“She thinks she’s fooling Twitter with all her ‘I’m living my best life’ tweets while she vacations alone.”

“She keeps flooding the timeline with couple pics, meanwhile he posts the same pics with her cropped out. She’s so stupid.”

“She keeps dropping the descriptor sapiosexual into conversation like she doesn’t have a regula degula BA like the rest of us.”

You see we’re hardest on ourselves—and our friends, because they’re you and you’re them.

But the easiest thing, the easiest thing to do in any best girl friendship is to see past that failing, that shameful thing, that embarrassment, that lie she’s telling the world and you, to the woman, in a way no man ever will. Or could. And to forgive them for it. To love them for it. To offer what comfort you could, even if you’re no hero yourself.

At least, that’s how I’d feel about my ace boon coon, the Nettie to my Celie, whose life is so transparent to me that I know about her every failing, and her man’s every failing, that I know even their pillow talk about me.

But you see my best friendships always burn fast and hot because familiarity, breeding contempt is more than just an old adage. It’s something best girl friends that spend so much time naked and exposed must guard against.

Jaye that’s what you must guard against—the contempt creeping into your casually flung statements about your friend and her life.

So be easy on your friend.

Your ace boon coon.

Whether or not you should invite that nigga out though? Jaye, who would know that answer better than you?

 

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Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • Agatha!!! Praise the Lord

  • Buster Cannon

    Whoa, an Ask Agatha post for the first time in what feels like months

    https://media.giphy.com/media/hcjkhnH5Cq0jS/giphy.gif

    *starts reading*

  • ChrissyWithLove

    Agathaaaa!!!!

  • Jennifer

    Now that that’s over with, let me go read the post.

  • Kas

    Yay!!! I take back my snarky comment about vacationing.

    • TeeChantel

      As you should. Hehe.

  • Lisss

    This made tear up a little bit…and i’m not quite sure why.

    • BJenks

      yeah I felt very compelled by this, even though I myself haven’t been in the same situation.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      What Agatha wrote in response to this cluster is next level

    • MsSula

      It made my eyes misty. And I know why.

  • TeeChantel
  • cakes_and_pies

    I don’t get these types of friendships. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child, was a latch key kid, and lived on my own since 2000. This is some dramatic stuff I see my other friends go through with their friends. I just don’t get it.

    • Epsilonicus

      Yeah… you don’t get it.

    • OG Mermaid

      You’re not alone cakes and pies; The main reason for this is because people put others on a pedestal based upon a certain title that they hold in their lives and have an expectation for those people to live up to that standard. I’m sure this isn’t “besties” first relationship and that she has more than likely done this before. Jaye needs to let her friend live her life, even if that means letting her fall and scrape her knees with this maladaptive relationship she’s in; Jaye’s role is to be there with the neosporin and band-aids when “bestie” gets back up/comes to her senses; Sitting around sulking about how she feels “neglected” will do nothing but push “bestie” further into dudes arms; people make time for who/what they want too.

      • grownandsexy2

        “people make time for who/what they want too.”

        THIS!!

        • Maestro G

          Indeed. One of my favorite all time truths.

    • grownandsexy2

      I don’t get it either and I’m not an only child.

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    Is Jaye a dude or a chick?

    • Jennifer

      I was wondering that too until she talked about “girl’s time” at the end.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        I’m still lost, to be honest.

        • Kas

          How so?

        • Jennifer

          It’s a really intimate (in the truest sense of the word) friendship. Jay is actively trying to give her ABC what her boyfriend can’t. Yikes! Of course boyfriend is salty about that.

          But, I also think he’s mad insecure. Step up your game, playa! She sees her friend once a month; he lives with her. Let her live or figure out a way to compete. Yeesh!

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            So Jaye is doing all this stuff for her “friend” that barely employed boyfriend can’t do. I feel like a Joe song is about to play in the background

            • Jennifer

              Basically.

              Again, she is still living with him, so she obviously loves him. He should thank his lucky stars and just do the best that he can for her. End of story.

            • Like why are you taking ur homegirl away for the weekend? Wheres YOUR man, Jaye

    • TeeChantel

      Jaye is a chick. Assuming she is a “she” because girl’s time was mentioned at the end of the post.

  • This is an example of why dudes don’t want to have a relationship before “they’re ready”, even if a woman says up and down that she’s OK building with dude.

    For one, this is 2016. Every dude under 40 either has had a chick pull his chick from under him or know someone who has. That homegirl is spending all this money on her friend, and girl is showing up with the LBD and the nice lingerie to go visit, he’d be a fool not to ask a question or two. The best friend’s response is just pouring gasoline on the fire.

    Two, you know whether dude is really ‘Bout it or not. Even if it isn’t $exual, it does come off as the writer playing her best version of Chris Paul and setting her up for an upgrade. That the writer hasn’t thought of both scenarios is hard to believe. The fact that you won’t let dude around at all is just adding suspicion from a dude’s perspective.

    If I were the boyfriend, I would have a real heart to heart and see where the best friend’s head is at. It might be time for dude to move on for everyone’s good.

    • LadyJay?

      My problem with him is not his financials, it’s his insecurities. Can’t stand him.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      I’m very lost. Sounds like the proverbial good for nothing boyfriend thinks something is haram about the best friend and his girls relationship.

      • Also, the fact that the boyfriend has obviously been around for a hot minute but has never met the best friend is a red flag that he might not have a future. We all know in hetero$exual relationships that a girl usually vets The One through her girls. That she has close female friends and that hasn’t happened yet is a ginormous red flag from his end.

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          This is a mind bender of an essay, so I’m a just keep checking these poll numbers.

      • LadyJay?

        You talk straight. I like your responses.

      • miss t-lee

        It sounds slightly bizarre.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      I just see insecurity with slight shade from the writer because she knows his faults. but that’s me

      • Dude is insecure, but it’s at least somewhat justified based on the facts.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Word. I couldn’t stand my roommates girl. I would bring my roomie into the den of sin purposely so he could find someone better. She would get tight with him even if we made a Wal Mart run.

          • BJenks

            Yeah I don’t condone cheating, but I’ve had a couple of homies who I knew for a fact their girls were cheating on them but they didn’t want to leave em. In those situations I’ve definitely made sure to put them in situations to make better moves. You can lead a horse to water…

          • Epsilonicus

            I did this with my roommate in college.

        • HouseOfBonnets

          I can see that due to the fact that she is questioning what she’s packing but still….I feel like if he’s that pressed about it he should get more creative on his side, but again that’s me.

          • BJenks

            Yeah not excusing his insecurity but I definitely see where it’s coming from. Your ol lady doesn’t have the best financial position but she still taking care of you. I think guys (even aint ish ones) just have it ingrained in us that we can’t let anyone else do for our woman what we cant. So like you said he needs to step it up if he don’t want to lose her. Granted what the letter doesn’t do is paint a vivid enough picture of their relationship and if he really is a bad boyfriend.

    • TeeChantel

      Nah, dude just sounds like he’s really insecure. If he was spending the quality time with his girl, he should have no worries.

      • Epsilonicus

        Maybe the problem is that his girl not spending quality time bc of work but she out in the LBD with the homie.

        • LadyJay?

          He needs to get it together and stop displaying his insecurities thereby infringing on their friendship. Mscheww.

          • Kas

            You sound a tad bit defensive. Anything you want to share with the class.

            • LadyJay?

              Defensive of what? I’m stating my opinion.

              • Kas

                Yes ma’am, you most certainly are.

        • TeeChantel

          Okay, so if that’s the problem then sit your girl down, tell her you want to take her out on a date, and have it all planned out. Take the initiative. I’m sure she would be appreciative of that. And you never know, that might change their relationship for the better.

          • Epsilonicus

            Maybe they tried that. Remember, the letter doesn’t tell us all the deets on the relationship

            • TeeChantel

              And, maybe he hasn’t.

          • HouseOfBonnets

            exactly, plus since you know her likes/dislikes planning a date should not be that hard and you can do it on a budget.

            • Epsilonicus

              The problem might not be planning the date. The problem might be getting her to actually go.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            There are levels to this thing mayne and the bestie has set a high bar. You aren’t going to get excited about a b&b the next town over when you collecting passport stamps with your bestie.

            • TeeChantel

              Why not? If I am going out with bae, I’ll be excited. If I’m traveling with the best friend, I’ll be excited. Everyone fulfills a different role and need in my life, that’s why they are there. I don’t expect them to compete with one another.

              • Kas

                I like what you spit’n

              • I see where you’re coming from, but you’re assuming good faith on the writer’s part. I’m not saying she is like that, but she hasn’t exactly shown dude how she isn’t like that.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                I feel you but she has created that competition. Chris Rock said women don’t go back…it’s hard to get excited about getting a Guess bag when you’ve been rocking Coach.

      • LadyJay?

        He is 10,000% insecure.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Hott Todd is onto something here. When you think your friend’s bae ain’t ish, you will put your friend into situations where you think they can find a better companion…directly or indirectly.

        • BJenks

          Yeah, I was thinking that that’s probably what he worried about, and rightfully so.

        • HouseOfBonnets

          Although my friends didn’t go this far before I believe it would have happened eventually.

        • TeeChantel

          Sorry, can’t do that. That is her relationship, not mine. Would never get in between what they have. I’m not the type to sabotage my friend’s relationships.

    • Kas

      “Every dude under 40 either has had a chick pull his chick from under him or know someone who has.” Replace 40 with 51, and then you would be definitely speaking the truth.

    • This is really a thing men worry about? O_O Did men know that…before them we still would dress sexily and spend time with our friends while doing it? What in the world?

      • Epsilonicus

        I think the problem folks have is when your spouse stops doing it with you but still does it with other people.

        • It sounds like to me…that he doesn’t DO anything with her. How you mad my friends like me and wanna spend time with me doing FUN stuff…when YOU won’t?

          • Honestly if I were in dude’s shoes, I would have a Come To Jesus meeting with my girlfriend. If I was still unsure of my spot, it would be time to cut my loses and move on.

            • Brooklyn_Bruin

              Sounds like she’s his economic lifeline.

              • I get it, but there comes a point where the bread isn’t worth it.

                • Brooklyn_Bruin

                  We say that as men of character though.

                • Epsilonicus

                  Maybe its not about the bread and he holding on because he loves her and believes that they can make it over this hump. I get the feeling that it is the opposite for her though

                  • That’s why dude needs to sit down and get the real from her. The last thing he needs is to make it over the hump and the girl to chuck deuces. That’s how reigns of terror start.

          • Epsilonicus

            Here is the thing. They might not be doing anything because she giving it all to her career. And then when she does have a little free time, she out with the homies. So ole boy might be getting very little time. Maybe he plans dates and she like nah, Im too tired, etc. I have definitely seen it go down like this.

            • she said she sees this woman once/month. If she’s tired all the other days she’s not visiting her friend…then he needs to remove himself…she ain’t worried about him…but it was also hinted at that he’s broke and triflin’ soooo I think he’s just an #AintShit type that lays good pipe…as those types often do.

      • BJenks

        The way our minds set up, a woman dresses sexily to snag up a man. So if we together, you should only be dressing sexily for moi. If you just going out with friends, you don’t need to be wearing certain things cuz you shouldn’t be concerned with garnering that kind of attention. (not saying this is personally how I think, just speaking in general.) And this kind of thinking leads into a plethora of problems.

        • Men need to stop that. I STILL enjoy looking and feeling sexy for ME…regardless of relationship status. Many women go through their beauty rituals because that makes them feel good. NOTHING to do with “garnering that kind of attention” -__-

          • grownandsexy2

            Thank you. Looking sexy for me has nothing to do with a man. I like to be sexy for me.

          • BJenks

            yeah, I had to kind of fall back a little on telling my exes things like “you don’t need that make up, etc.” because I realized it’s not about them trying to attract any attention but just how they feel.

            • I mean…don’t get me wrong…it CAN be about that…but I just feel if I’ve agreed to be with a man…I would HOPE he would trust that I’m not out here trolling for new paynus. I would HOPE that he knows me well enough to see…I’mma ALWAYS dress up when I’m going out regardless of his presence…because that’s just ME.

              • BJenks

                lmao..”paynus” I laugh every time I see it spelled this way.

                But yeah, I totally get you. There are different reasons why, we just have to understand that, which unfortunately most men do not. A lot of guys feel they can tell women more about women than any other woman could.

          • Deeds

            Thank You! Everything ain’t about you.

          • Sigma_Since 93

            Do you tell your man that or do you draw a hard line in the sand cuz you grown and ish?

            • I’ve never gotten to that point with a man where it needed to be told. Most men can see from dating me, talking to me, getting to know me…I’m very independent, but…I’m also trustworthy. If we are in a relationship…no man needs to question my motives.

              However, if he DID voice a concern…I would have a conversation about it…but if that wasn’t enough to make him feel better we’d eventually break up…cause I’m not having that convo every time you think I’m doing too much.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                It’s somewhat about trust but it’s also about your routine. I have this discussion with my wife in the converse. She loves to primp and pamper herself and she says she does it for me. I throw the BS flag on her. I point out that before she met me, she did these things, before we dated and were co-workers, she did these things, if I get called to the upper room at 12:30 pm today, she’ll continue to do these things.

                I’m a beneficiary of her habits but they are not done specifically for me.

                • I mean I think she thinks you enjoy the end result…but it’s def likely MORE for her than anything else. You’re right about habits tho. If I NEVER gussy up…and all of a sudden I’m doing it out the blue…I could see you having a reason to question me. I’m not THAT callous.

                • Epsilonicus

                  What you learn is that people dont follow what you say, they follow what you do. So when the routine switches up, folks are gonna ask questions.

          • miss t-lee

            Amen.

        • miss t-lee

          “:The way our minds set up, a woman dresses sexily to snag up a man. ”

          Yeah, no.

      • Brooklyn_Bruin

        As a man, I’ve had more than a few friends try to poison a chick against me.

        Some with good reason, lol

        • I mean from the way you comment you kinda sound like you’d be an #AintShit type…correct me if I’m wrong…but I could EASILY see you #Dickmatizing someone…and her friends being like “Molly…you in danga girl” and trying to get her away from you.

          • Brooklyn_Bruin

            Ain’t nothing nefarious going on over here!

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