Ask Agatha, Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured

Ask Agatha: “I Like Her, But She Says I’m Just A Friend” And Why “I’m Fine” Is Usually A Lie

Wayne from Edgewater, NJ asks:

I’ve liked my friend Tanya for three years. When we met we were both single but to be honest I was intimidated by her (she’s bad) and instead of making a move I somehow ended up becoming her friend. I guess I was playing the long game but in the meantime she ended up in a relationship. Now she’s single again and we’re still just cool. Should I make a move? Agatha, how do I get out of the friend zone?

The friend zone is for life Wayne.

It’s your penance for navel gazing for three damn years instead of making a move.

Three years to make a move Wayne? This isn’t the movies, Tanya is not going to wake up tomorrow and realize it was you all along. Your window of opportunity came and went in the summer 2013. And unless you’ve gained 40lbs of muscle in the interim, you’re always going to be just the homie.

You were intimidated?

The sort of man that’s intimidated by Tanya, as bad as she is, isn’t the sort of man for Tanya. And trust me, this is exactly how Tanya feels. Beta behaviors only make church aunties wet.

Besides, Tanya knows you like her. And guess what, she’s hoping you don’t fuck things up by saying it out loud because then you’ll force her to cut you loose.

You’re not her type Wayne.

You’ve already proven that.

Tank from Chicago, Il asks:

Is thirty-five too old to get braces? I went for a consultation and the orthodontist said it’d take two years to straighten my crooked teeth. So I’ll be 37, maybe 38 when they finally come off. It’s always bothered me and I finally have the money to fix it but I also can’t see having success on the dating scene with braces in my 30s.

Thirty-five isn’t too old to have braces but it is too old to have those colorful rubber bands in your mouth.

If your teeth aren’t too misaligned I’d suggest looking into getting those braces that go behind the teeth.

Conrad from Atlanta, GA asks:

Why do women say “nothing” when it’s something and “fine” when everything isn’t fine?

Why is water wet?

I think women saying nothing’s wrong when everything is wrong or saying they’re fine when they absolutely aren’t fine is performance art. It’s the articulation of their self-pity. It’s proof positive of their martyrdom (if only to themselves).

You see when you’ve nailed yourself to the cross, you don’t rebuke your persecutors—you forgive them. But without having the magnanimity of Jesus Christ instead of saying “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” you end up saying a pouty “I’m fine.”

The only ways to disabuse them of this behavior is to always accept their “I’m fine’s” and “I’m not hungry” and “nothings wrong” at face value even though you know better. And once they realize you won’t mollycoddle their grown ass self, they’ll finally start verbalizing what is wrong. Just be prepared for a lot of those verbs to be “fuck” and a lot of those pronouns to be “you.”

You can’t have it both ways Conrad.

Myeisha from Brooklyn, NY asks: 

My boyfriend is taking me on a quick island getaway this weekend for Valentine’s Day. I’m so excited but since I didn’t have enough notice I’m going on vacation with a little bit of a winter pooch. I have a one-piece bathing suit that’ll work in a flash for poolside but what about lingerie? Any ideas? I’m a size 8.

First, I’m sure your boyfriend is going to be happy regardless of what you wear to bed, just shy of sweats. I mean y’all will be on an island. That’s it’s own treat.

And if he’s like most men, naked will work just fine.

But since you’re so hype. I’ll make some suggestions.

Use the same rules for clothes that you’d use for lingerie. So you’re either going to try to define your waist with seaming or camouflage your tummy with ruching or pleats.

Like so,

lingere

You can find these here.

And for the love of God, don’t do a slip. I know it covers a wide variety of sins but that’s why your Granny wears them. Because she’s a sinner.

And don’t try to sell me on the slip’s thigh slit. There’s nothing sexy or risqué about a satin dress. Leave that for all those basic chicks that think they’re doing something with their full bra and panty set on underneath it. WHICH FRANKLY, MAKES IT PAJAMAS Y’ALL. Anyway, you shouldn’t be able to put some chucks on and run errands in your lingerie.

Don’t do it.

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • camilleblu

    i feel like a part of this post could be speaking to me, but…nothing’s wrong. i’m fine.

    • Kat

      Braces or tummy tuck?

      • camilleblu

        neither…it was literally the *nothings wrong, i’m fine* part….lol

    • Breezy

      Ok

    • Lea Thrace

      BWAHAHAHAHA. This IS Agie we are talking about so…

      • camilleblu

        lol, true dat

  • The friendzone is DEFINITELY forever. Takes a special person to get out of the friendzone and into the man zone.
    35 is not too old for braces, 35 and trying to date is too old for crooked teeth. Fix them. NOW. also, invisalign

    We’re hopin you’ll probe…simple as that

    Girl, if he didn’t care about your pooch when he decided to book the trip, he’s not gonna care about it ON the trip. YOU care about it…but you don’t really…or else you would have not let it happen.

    • LyricMeThis

      “YOU care about it…but you don’t really…or else you would have not let it happen.”
      I bust out laughing at this! Maybe her goal was to get right by summer. LOLOL

      • Summer bodies are made in the winter…al least that is what my trainers tell me.

      • camilleblu

        i was like…dayum…she kinda clowned her #tho, lol.

      • L8Comer

        I did too!! Twilisha with the realness! She right tho lol

    • Siante

      “YOU care about it…but you don’t really…or else you would have not let it happen.”

      https://media0.giphy.com/media/3vPS7dhCVzbKU/200.gif

  • Me

    When I say I’m fine, it means back up off me because I’ve already come up with plan B and your buster a$$ may or may not have been included in those plans, so unless you want your feelings hurt, take this “fine” and find something else to do with your time b/c you’ve already proven yourself worthless in this moment. When I say nothing’s wrong, it means mind your damn business b/c I don’t wanna share a vulnerable moment with you right now.

    • Agatha Guilluame

      Well dayum.

      • Me

        I’ve been told this is my relationship flaw. I’ll plan B myself right out the door if a ninja makes me beg for sympathy/assistance/attention/food/conversation/consideration. Either we both care, or we both don’t.

        • camilleblu

          I’m sorry, but a ninja making you beg for food just kilt me…lol. like, he just gonna hear your stomach growling like, *welp, shudda ate before you came over*

          • Me

            LOL. Nah, but I had a dude once drag his feet on reservations and drove home cowering when I told him I was fine after we couldn’t get a table.

            • Damn G. You out here slittin throats and losing fingers in the process.

              • Me

                Fingers can be reattached. IJS

                • Lea Thrace

                  savage.

                  and I am here for it!

            • camilleblu

              girl…i am theee WORST person to deal with when i’m hungry…the men i date learn that very early on, so it doesn’t happen very often.

              • Breezy

                The men?!? What about your unfortunate friennnnnnnddddsss?!?

                • camilleblu

                  new number, who dis???

                  • Breezy

                    Yo Momma you Bird!

        • L8Comer

          lol, I relate to this. May be one of my many flaws too. If I get to the point where I;m giving you, “I’m fine” I’m pretty much done. I already have a plan B and if you keep asking me I just might tell you bout him. Also yea, nothing’s wrong cuz I’m not ready to be vulnerable.. don’t push me lol! I’ll get there in my own time.

        • Amen! If I say “I’m fine” when I’m not it means you’ve already shown me that my feelings really aren’t that important to you so I’ve folded them away and am in the process of making my exit.

  • miss t-lee

    Size 8 and worried about a pooch? I could show you a pooch girl! But for real, enjoy your vacay. Heyll, wear a bikini and really stunt.
    I keep telling y’all there ain’t no friend zone, maybe one day someone will listen.
    You’re never too old to have nice teeth. I keep looking at invisilgns for my slight overbite, but I doubt I’ll ever bite the bullet.

    • Me

      If your teeth are straight and your only concern is an overbite, they may not offer it to you. My ortho explained to me that a slight overbite is the objective in straightening. It aides in cutting through things with your two front teeth.

      • miss t-lee

        Oh word? Good to know.

        • Me

          Yea. You don’t want your teeth banging into each other. But if you do end up getting a treatment, I’m all for Invisalign. Make sure you ask your dentist to let you keep all your trays after every appointment. That way if you see your teeth shifting after you’ve done your time, you won’t have to pay for a whole new ortho process later on.

          • miss t-lee

            I’ve been dreaming for like 10 years. I doubt I’d ever do it. I don’t want my look to change.
            A lady from my church did them to close her gap, and she looks like a completely different person. It’s wild.

            • AlwaysCC

              my mom had a gap. when she got her braces off, people she’d known for YEARS would walk right past her and not recognize her lol

              • miss t-lee

                It’s such a little thing, and a big thing at the same time.

                • Kema

                  People always remember me when they see my gap. I’ve thought of getting rid of it.

                  • miss t-lee

                    You gonna do it ?

                    • Kema

                      Probably not. It’s right up there with the fake boobies I wanted. I can now think of better things to spend my money on. Lol

                    • miss t-lee

                      Ha! I feel ya.

            • Quirlygirly

              When I was younger I told my dentist I wanted to close my gap. He says- why..It gives you character.He was an odd dentist. He has told me somethings that made me give him the side eye but not in a bad way

              • miss t-lee

                LOL!

              • Kema

                So… Do you still have a gap?

                • Quirlygirly

                  I do! I used the money to go back to school.

        • LakeCity

          You should just do it. I was like you for a while, going back and forth on whether I wanted to bite the bullet and get them. But I just finished Invisalign in December and I’m glad I went through with it. A great smile makes you even more confident.

          • miss t-lee

            That’s the thing, I like my smile as is, I just always wonder…lol

            • Kema

              Exactly! I’m not sure I want to give up the West Indian/African men telling me how s exy my gap is. lol!

              • miss t-lee

                WERK!

      • Ess Tee

        Well I just learned something new. My teeth are straight, but I have a slight overbite and thought about braces maybe ten years ago.

  • Me

    The black lacy thing is nice… I’d rock that precoitus, but I feel like the beige frilly thing is what I would wear when I want him to drool even though he ain’t gonna get any. Reminds me too much of those undies my mom bought me for too many years post-toddlerism that had ruffles across the full bottom.

    • I can’t do capes over the girls. They are too big and nothing like that ever lays right

    • miss t-lee

      I wouldn’t wear either one. Too much coverage.
      *cackles*

      • Me

        LOL.

      • Me

        My dilemma is I like the room to be chilly to counteract the excess heat, but I’m anemic and hate being exposed to a chill (I don’t shiver chexy), so getting peeled precoitus works for me.

        • miss t-lee

          Gotta do what makes you most comfortable.

  • Like I’m a shy awkward little Fox, but I can’t imagine waiting 3 years to talk to someone who I regularly talk to. That’s wild. He should take that L and quietly exit her life since he’s not really her friend and is definitely not her type. Or maybe ask her to hook her up with one of her friends who are almost assuredly equally attractive.

    • “shy awkward little Fox” <—- why is that the cutest description tho. Was that planned sir?

    • Me

      I’m pretty sure me & this dude at work mutually unwittingly friendzoned each other over the course of these past 3 years. We’d see each other on a regular basis and do that unnecessarily awkward “I was gonna ask you something but decided not too b/c I’m too shy and we already said have a nice day so I’ll just take this L” walk to our desks on opposite sides of the same floor every morning after small talking on the elevator. After a while I started dating outside the office, and I caught him phone boning in the lobby, but we’d still do the awkward “you make me shoot off awkward giggles for no reason” dance despite it. And here we are 3 years later, and I think we’re both just defeated in our ridiculous shyness (plus dude that I’ve been laying up with probably wouldn’t appreciate me acting on it at the moment). So, I feel for Wayne. On the brighter side, I had a friend zone friend shoot his shot once, and I was able to return us back to friend zone despite shooting him down mercilessly (b/c I like the attention and I assume he likes my presence), so I say Wayne should go for it!

      • Pinks

        Aww this was awkward and cute. What if he stops working in your building?

        Shoot your shot!!

        • Me

          I have a friend who has been trying to get me to quit being a scaredy cat about it, but the thought makes me nauseated for the reasons Val mentioned. I don’t want a messy work life (plus the two times I shot my shot at a man, my knees literally buckled, letting me know I’m a “men chase” type of woman).

          • Pinks

            I feel you – one time I wasn’t even doing no funny business, just friends with the doorman and it gave me problems at a temp job.

      • Val

        Dating at work can be great and it can also be awful. Maybe it’s for the best you and your workmate have remained ‘just’ friends.

        • AquaTeamV3

          I’ve always been given the “don’t crap where you eat” spiel when it comes to work relationships. Some people can make it work, but personally I like to keep office and home life separate.

          • Quirlygirly

            I have had two former coworker make it work. But they are the exception. I know plenty of former coworkers who dated and crashed and burned.

            Also, expect your coworkers to be in your business, especially when the relationship is ending. They will be there with popcorn and soda, like they are watching a movie.

            • Bushido Brown

              Did the dating a coworker and when that ish ended everyday at the job was just weird.

          • Val

            Ultimately it depends on several factors whether it will work or not. Mainly how closely do you work with that person. If you have to see them and work closely with them then it has the potential to become very awkward.

          • Kat

            I can’t even imagine seeing the person I’m involved with all dang day AND night. I need a break from her and Jesus.

            • LMNOP

              I work with a married couple, they specially arrange to take their lunch breaks at the same time, and I just think to myself that sounds awful. But I’m single so what do I know?

              • Kat

                That’s just to much…togetherness.

      • Cleojonz

        Hey you’re not married. Shoot your shot!

      • miss t-lee

        I’d still go for it.

  • Val

    Personal experience regarding the friendzone; I had a crush on someone but the friend who introduced me to her was interested in her. So I decided to just see if we could be friends. And we actually became good friends. Like 3 hour on the phone friends, etc.

    Eventually the relationship between her and our mutual friend didn’t amount to anything so there’s my chance, right?

    Nope, not that simple. I already knew that to move from friend zone to relationship a change in attitude is required. So I backed off of our friendship really hard. We would go for weeks and not talk. I would avoid hanging out with her. All the stuff we used to do together stopped.

    Finally after a couple of months she tracked me down and let me know that she was interested in being more than friends.

    Mission accomplished.

    In order to move from friend zone to dating the relationship has to be redefined. You have to walk away for a bit until all that friend zone stuff is out of both of your minds and then and only then proceed. Obviously not every friendship can become a romantic involvement but if there is a chance then this is the best way to make it happen.

    • This is genius, Val, but only a woman could be this cunning.

      • This whole time Val had the answers, and not Sway.
        Guess it wouldn’t hurt to come back with 40 lbs of muscle either.

    • tgtaggie

      That really is genius. I might need to try that out lol. The market should be pretty good in a couple of weeks since cuffin season is ending.

      • Val

        There’s still snow on the ground on the east coast. Which means cuffing season has been extended. But lots of couples never make it through cuffing season. So…

    • Kat

      Didn’t work for me at all. If anything I backed away from the friendship because I knew they wanted more.

    • Agatha Guilluame

      You forget you’re very pretty so I feel like that must’ve been a factor.

      • Val

        Thanks, AG. :-) Attractiveness is relative though. So, I think, this would work for most people.

        • Illumina

          “Attractiveness is relative though.”

          That’s nice to say but I don’t think that’s true. :)

        • Asiyah

          Yeah! You can get away with it because of your looks, Val!

          • Val

            :-) It just takes a little patience, Asiyah.

        • You’re “relatively” attractive just like the physics law: a scientific fact.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      @disqus_QGKOTi1oX5:disqus You are the real MVP! Showing folks how to escape the friend zone.

    • Bushido Brown

      Never really thought of that.

    • Siante

      This is it right here. Saving lives.

    • NoPlaysOff

      Getting out of the friend zone is not as impossible as the popular narrative suggests, and your story is proof positive of that. It requires effort, clear intent, commitment, confidence, resilience and most importantly, PATIENCE. All in all, work! I’ve seen it happen. It can and does work.

    • JMAN

      I feel this is slightly different in a same-same relationship. What may work for 2 women I feel would be very different for 1 man and 1 woman. One knows how the other gender thinks, the other is always guessing and postulating.

      As far as Wayne and the friendzone. There are 2 ways to leave the zone:

      1. You tell her how you feel and face what happens afterwards (either she accepts you or denies you; most likely the latter).

      2. You go ghost for a while and the next time she sees you there may be a new found attraction she sees in you (Not really likely but has happened to a friend of mine)

      In college he was unfit, not very confident and just all over the place. FF to about 5-6 years after. Friend gets very fit, confident, good job, very aggressive and forward in pursuing what he wants, good social life. The girl that friendzoned him sees him at a 5 year class reunion and for some reason has a new found interest in him.

      Essentially you have to be ready to burn your bridges with this girl. If you are friendzoned then maybe the friendship isn’t really what you think it is.

    • I unfriend zoned the guy who was super cool as my friend…. and I thought we would be good together… HE WAS HORRIBLE IN BED! My face….
      http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lZnITeyN6OY/U_66J4k8qTI/AAAAAAAAHuA/hYgrxy0bmKU/s1600/rihanna-in-stay-music-video-rihanna-33720818-520-300.gif

      • Hugh Akston

        “HE WAS HORRIBLE IN BED! My face….”

        wait, what does this mean? Im truly asking. I’ve heard girls say this all of the time, but what does that entail? To me it usually means the guy has a small d…am I wrong here? Or he just doesn’t know what to do? if the latter why not have a frank conversation and then show him? Not every guy is a master in bed, and not every girl can suck a d…but if she puts her mouth on it, thats good enough for us, thanks for trying ;)

        • Horrible means he didn’t know what to do and his ego was too big to listen to my guidance… how does somebody say, “I got this.” when I’m saying that you don’t? Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

          • Hugh Akston

            of course…thats our ego for you…it can either bring us success or failure…finding a middle ground is best…

            i guess you know him…and certain way to approach this topic…may be that may have been the wrong way which hurts his ego and hence he didn’t listen…

            but thanks for the enlightment

      • occupiesthethrone

        This EXACT thing happened to me. I’ve seen infants swanging with more than him and he had this unfortunate habit of munching down below which I had never experienced before and will become nun before I experience it again. I wasn’t physically attracted to him anyway, but I came out of a really bad relationship and figured what the hey. Where am I going to find another grown adult that enjoys cartoons and video games on my level? But, nah, sis……nah. I’d rather make Simpsons jokes to a wall for the rest of my life than endure that ish.

        • Dude was fine and had a nice package but as attentive as he was as a friend… it did NOT translate when he became my lover. i couldn’t even go back to being his friend like that… afterwards.. It wasn’t worth it. He would bring up “that time” like we should’ve pursued it again.. NOPE.

          • occupiesthethrone

            OH NOOOOOOOOOO. That’s actually a lot worse than my experience. Like a beautiful car, but then you pop the hood and there’s nothing there but a drawing of an engine. What a let down.

    • Jasmine

      Lord, this is so real.

  • Betty

    It took some time, but I officially eff with Agatha now.

    • Quirlygirly

      What finally put you over the edge?

  • LogicalLeopard

    How do you get out of the friendzone? If you were playing “the long game,” you were never really her friend. You were just a guy loitering around a woman like a slot machine, dropping kindness quarters in until s** fell out. She’s single now. Tell her that is what you wanted from the get go. If she says no, then cut off your fake friendship. Or learn to be a friend and be content with her friendship alone, if you find her friendship valuable.
    I’m tired of these ashy mimes gesturing with their hands, trying to get out of the “friend zone” invisible box.

    • Agatha Guilluame

      I’m done at “dropping kindness quarters in until ish fell out”. Hahahahahahaha.

      • LogicalLeopard

        *LOL* Not my phrase, I saw that a while back somewhere around the internet. And the word I bleeped was s*x. It wouldn’t let me post it without it going through moderation. *L*

    • Brandon Allen

      I just don’t understand how you waste your “kindness quarters” like that? If a gumball don’t fall out the machine after a dollar im out.

      • LogicalLeopard

        “Kindness” is the key word. You give them away for free. Just like you’d do if you saw a kid standing near a gumball machine looking toward his mother, who doesn’t have the change. Or if you step out of your car, feed the meter, and you see the meter attendant coming and the guy next to you just ran out of time. You have a quarter? You drop it in for him out of kindness. Kindness doesn’t need to give you a direct, tangible return. That’s why it’s called “kindness.” It’s its own reward.
        So, compare that to friendship, you’re not good to your friends because you expect a return of some kind, you’re good to them because they’re your friends. And if you’re good to your friends because you are expecting some sort of tangible return, like s*x, car rides, VIP status at the club, gifts, nice dinners, protection, etc, they’re really not your friends.

        • Brandon Allen

          I mean clearly. But we’re not talking about real kindness. We’re talking about those nice things men do for women that are really about getting her to notice them. If you’re spending time doing that you’re wasting your time. If someone is your real friend anyway you probably shouldn’t be lusting after them.

          • LogicalLeopard

            Well, here, I think we are talking about real kindness, because this person is in a “friend zone” with a woman, and he’s presumably trying to act kind like a real friend would. That’s my point.
            But as to what you’re saying,, I’ll agree that it’s an absolute waste. That’s the whole conundrum of the friend zone concept. You’re trying to do all of these “kindnesses” to get a woman to notice that you might be a nice partner, and she’s only thinking about how good a friend you are. But you aren’t a good friend, because like you said, if the person is your real friend, you wouldn’t be lusting after them.

      • Val

        That is a good movie.

      • LogicalLeopard

        *LOL* Is it a game, or is it real?

  • BuffinBoss

    Main man should just back off and cut the contact back for a while. Eventually, she’s gonna wonder why you ain’t been down for Netflix and paint her toenails anymore. At that point, is when you say straight up how you feel and leave it at that. I think the fear comes in the possibility of not even having contact with this person anymore but such is life.

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