Ask Agatha: “I Like Her, But She Says I’m Just A Friend” And Why “I’m Fine” Is Usually A Lie
Wayne from Edgewater, NJ asks:
I’ve liked my friend Tanya for three years. When we met we were both single but to be honest I was intimidated by her (she’s bad) and instead of making a move I somehow ended up becoming her friend. I guess I was playing the long game but in the meantime she ended up in a relationship. Now she’s single again and we’re still just cool. Should I make a move? Agatha, how do I get out of the friend zone?
The friend zone is for life Wayne.
It’s your penance for navel gazing for three damn years instead of making a move.
Three years to make a move Wayne? This isn’t the movies, Tanya is not going to wake up tomorrow and realize it was you all along. Your window of opportunity came and went in the summer 2013. And unless you’ve gained 40lbs of muscle in the interim, you’re always going to be just the homie.
You were intimidated?
The sort of man that’s intimidated by Tanya, as bad as she is, isn’t the sort of man for Tanya. And trust me, this is exactly how Tanya feels. Beta behaviors only make church aunties wet.
Besides, Tanya knows you like her. And guess what, she’s hoping you don’t fuck things up by saying it out loud because then you’ll force her to cut you loose.
You’re not her type Wayne.
You’ve already proven that.
Tank from Chicago, Il asks:
Is thirty-five too old to get braces? I went for a consultation and the orthodontist said it’d take two years to straighten my crooked teeth. So I’ll be 37, maybe 38 when they finally come off. It’s always bothered me and I finally have the money to fix it but I also can’t see having success on the dating scene with braces in my 30s.
Thirty-five isn’t too old to have braces but it is too old to have those colorful rubber bands in your mouth.
If your teeth aren’t too misaligned I’d suggest looking into getting those braces that go behind the teeth.
Conrad from Atlanta, GA asks:
Why do women say “nothing” when it’s something and “fine” when everything isn’t fine?
Why is water wet?
I think women saying nothing’s wrong when everything is wrong or saying they’re fine when they absolutely aren’t fine is performance art. It’s the articulation of their self-pity. It’s proof positive of their martyrdom (if only to themselves).
You see when you’ve nailed yourself to the cross, you don’t rebuke your persecutors—you forgive them. But without having the magnanimity of Jesus Christ instead of saying “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” you end up saying a pouty “I’m fine.”
The only ways to disabuse them of this behavior is to always accept their “I’m fine’s” and “I’m not hungry” and “nothings wrong” at face value even though you know better. And once they realize you won’t mollycoddle their grown ass self, they’ll finally start verbalizing what is wrong. Just be prepared for a lot of those verbs to be “fuck” and a lot of those pronouns to be “you.”
You can’t have it both ways Conrad.
Myeisha from Brooklyn, NY asks:
My boyfriend is taking me on a quick island getaway this weekend for Valentine’s Day. I’m so excited but since I didn’t have enough notice I’m going on vacation with a little bit of a winter pooch. I have a one-piece bathing suit that’ll work in a flash for poolside but what about lingerie? Any ideas? I’m a size 8.
First, I’m sure your boyfriend is going to be happy regardless of what you wear to bed, just shy of sweats. I mean y’all will be on an island. That’s it’s own treat.
And if he’s like most men, naked will work just fine.
But since you’re so hype. I’ll make some suggestions.
Use the same rules for clothes that you’d use for lingerie. So you’re either going to try to define your waist with seaming or camouflage your tummy with ruching or pleats.
You can find these here.
And for the love of God, don’t do a slip. I know it covers a wide variety of sins but that’s why your Granny wears them. Because she’s a sinner.
And don’t try to sell me on the slip’s thigh slit. There’s nothing sexy or risqué about a satin dress. Leave that for all those basic chicks that think they’re doing something with their full bra and panty set on underneath it. WHICH FRANKLY, MAKES IT PAJAMAS Y’ALL. Anyway, you shouldn’t be able to put some chucks on and run errands in your lingerie.
Don’t do it.