Ask Agatha: “I Like Black Women But Hate Fake Hair. What Should I Do???” » VSB

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Ask Agatha: “I Like Black Women But Hate Fake Hair. What Should I Do???”

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Johnny from Atlanta, GA asks:

I like black women but I hate the fake hair they wear, all of it, the wigs, the weaves, and the ponytails. It’s definitely a deal breaker for me. I’m a hair puller. So, I wanna know…is there a sure fire way to tell if it’s all hers? So that I can stop wasting my time and money on these weave queens.

There’s so much to unpack here. I haven’t had a question with this many layers to it in a minute, so for that I say thank you. Where oh where to begin?

*taps chin*

Well let’s start at the beginning. You “like” Black women but “hate” the fake hair [some] (I know you meant to say some) of them wear? But never in the history of equivalencies has a mere like ever stood a chance against pure hate. Like collapses under the weight of hate. Every. Single. Time.

Like doesn’t get out the vote like hate does. Liking a thing doesn’t garner ratings like hating a thing does. Like won’t make you stay. Like won’t make you go out of your way. Like won’t make you protest or march or even sit up straight.

In fact, likes will only matter on social media until they put in a dislike button.

The only thing that can counter hate is love. And since you merely like Black women…

Are you still with me Johnny?

I hope I haven’t lost you. Yet.

Here’s the thing. You hate fake hair. Which would be a legitimate gripe if we were having this conversation in 1996. Except we’re in 2015 and the natural hair movement is in full swing. So Johnny my boy, you have options!

But you don’t want a chick with a twist out do you?

You want a chick with four bundles of 22 inches of silky Indian Remy hair. You just want it to be real.

Some women want a corporate thug.

Johnny, you and those women need to snap out of it.

Johnny you want a woman that doesn’t have to wrap her hair up at night; that doesn’t care if it gets wet; that doesn’t mind you using her hair as a bridle; that doesn’t ever have to do protective styles; that might go her whole life without ever even using a couple clip-ins.

Johnny, what you want is a White woman.

Which is fine. I mean you only just like Black women anyway. And if nothing else, Black women deserve more than your mere like.

And I guess I still haven’t answered your question have I?

Well the answer is simple.

There’s no way to tell. None at all.

I mean watch this video. And don’t blink or you’ll miss it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/64uonaN38l/?taken-by=virginhairfantasy

I know.

I know.

But you’ll live.

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • Madame Zenobia

    *starts slow clap*

  • Nick Peters

    Johnny is white…

    • Lisss

      I wouldn’t be so quick to determine that he is of melanin-defficient tribe. May a black men have expressed similar and even identical desires.

      • TeeDotCee

        Please say it one more time.

      • Nick Peters

        I was basing that off of the lack of Natural Hair knowledge in 2015

        • Lisss

          My point still stands… Being black does not mean you know jacksh*it about natural hair. There is a reason why a plethora of natural hair vids exist on Youtube.

  • Madame Zenobia

    *starts slow clap* I appreciate this whole post.

  • Lisss

    As soon as i read the title, i was waiting for Ms. Agatha to go all in. Thank you for making my day.

    And his triflin’ *ss can go sit somewhere with all that bullsh**.

  • she

    “Some women want a corporate thug. Johnny, you and those women need to snap out of it.”

    BUT WHY YOU TRYNA TELL ME MY TUPAC WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE DOESN’T EXIST?!?!?!? #criesslowly

    • Nick Peters

      Undercover hood chicks are the best…Dascha Polanko

      • she

        had to google her and first article that pops up is about her strangling some chick lol not sure if she is undercover brotha

      • Val

        I don’t think she’s undercover with her hoodness.

        • Nick Peters

          She was….

    • He’s out there somewhere… I hope… -curls into a ball-

      • she

        I mean mass incarceration aside, there’s gotta be some hood dudes who went to college and graduated from the street to a suit, I mean it aint even gotta be corporate… non-profit, public sector, all the above will do.

        • I do love a dude on his non-profit hustle.

    • Pinks

      He’s out there! I found me one!

    • Yep! He’s faking the funk. Heck, Tupac wasn’t really Tupac if you think about it. His thug stuff was mostly entertainment.

      • Val

        So true. But then he started believing his own hype.

    • marwilli

      Corporate Thug = The Brothers of Omega Psi Phi.

  • miss t-lee

    “You want a chick with four bundles of 22 inches of silky Indian Remy hair. You just want it to be real.

    Some women want a corporate thug.”

    If you could have heard the ugly laugh+ snort I let out.

  • So much truthiness in this response.

    And plus also, a good sew-in can withstand good natured pulling. But Johnny’s not about that life.

    • Good sew-ins can withstand the worm. Bad ones… Pray for them, ’cause some fools just wanna perform!

      • QuirlyGirly

        Todd outchea giving us weave poetry. Lol

    • Qris_10

      Alright now! That’s what I was thinking. I don’t know about other folk but my sew in is tough ; ) Applauso to my Stylist!

  • Pinks

    Dear Johnny,

    Bye.

    • BrownKitty289

      Funny part?
      Johnny is looking for ladies w/ hair like urself and even YOU don’t want to deal w/ his BS!
      ;)

      • Pinks

        Johnny can get gone with that mess.

        I ain’t anybody’s status symbol. The one man in my life who treated my hair and overall appearance as a direct reflection of his fly was removed a long time ago.

  • miss t-lee

    Good look on that IG link though, Agatha. :)

    • LOL that is some #CreepyShit when she lifts it up.

      • miss t-lee

        It wasn’t creepy…lol That’s the realness that you want.

        • LMAO no. Scalps do not just lift up at the edges. This is not real life x__X

          • miss t-lee

            I can see we’re not on the same page when it comes to the hurr, so we’re gonna be like ships in the night here…lol

            • she

              that was everything for me miss T-Lee…I am here with you sister!

              • miss t-lee

                I’ve been natural 10 years, however I like versatility. So I’ll always be on board with the wigs, braids, weaves, etc.

                • Illumina

                  Same. Been natural for about 12. I’ve worn wigs, braids and weaves. Matter of fact, I just took out my braid two weeks ago; I’m back to my kinky fro.

                  • miss t-lee

                    You know what is.

                    • LadyIbaka

                      Black and yellow, black and yellow-uh huh!

                    • Everything I do I do it big :-)
                      Now you got that stuck in my head!!

                    • LadyIbaka

                      Aaaaaaaaaye!!!!

                    • miss t-lee

                      This made me chuckle.

        • LyricMeThis

          I don’t even wear weaves but I was like dang, that was on point! Maybe I need to reconsider LOL.

          • miss t-lee

            Come to the dark side. :)

      • Creepy… or amazing? I can’t make up my mind.

        • miss t-lee

          Amazing.

        • LOL mine is made up…and I’ve settled on “creepy”

        • Cleojonz

          I’m going with amazing!

      • Nikki

        I was sooo not prepared for that. Kinda freaked a little like wtf. It looked good. But it was definitely creepy.

    • Cleojonz

      Word! That’s a good d*mn wig! And you totally could miss it if you blinked too.

      • miss t-lee

        Yes lawd!

  • So much YES in this. The natural hair movement is currently in full effect. It’s very rare I see a group of black women get together these days, AND see a bunch of weave. So if Johnny is having these issues, they are self-imposed. As Agatha stated. He WANTS that silky silk, but he wants it to be hers. I’m sorry Johnny, that’s not how most of us come :( Maybe try a Latina?

    • TeeDotCee

      I think it is still around. Especially when you hear commercials on the radio for financing YAKI bundles for $199 to start. Somebody out there financing the yak.

      • “Come and getcho weeeeaaave, girl. Queen Virgin Remy. Queen Virgin Remy.”

        • curlsbythe#

          Ahhhh! I’ve never heard the commercial but my friend told me about it. Do you happen to be in the Detroit area bc that’s where that foolishness was heard on the radio?

          • No, I’m in DC. That commercial clearly got national syndication!

            • dmcmillian72

              It must be syndicated, because I’m in Birmingham and I hear that commercial on our radio stations #ALLATAHM Lol!

            • TeeDotCee

              Yep, MD here.

      • I’m not saying no one wears weave. What I’m saying is, it should be reasonably simple for him to find a black woman that DOESN’T wear it.

    • miss t-lee

      a little secret, lots of your natural faves wear weave.

      • My personal preference will always be in favor of NOT wearing weaves. I don’t care for them. However, I also don’t care what other people do to their own hair. my friend got me weave for Christmas last year, and I feel bad because I NEVER wear it :/ I just don’t even understand it.

        • Pinks

          That’s such a weird gift! LMFAO

          Did they give that to you unsolicited? Like here’s these bundles, girl. That’s like giving somebody some tampons for Christmas – like I guess I could use these, but really girl? lmao lmao

          • camilleblu

            that is odd as shyt

          • Was it? I didn’t think it was weird. We’re big into hair…I think she just thought I would use it…however, weave just…isn’t my thing and the only time I ever wore it was when she helped me put it in.

            • Pinks

              I mean, it seems weird to me, especially considering you said weave isn’t your thing. I can see how it was a nice gesture, though, if she put you on to the hair she uses. In my head, weave is one of those things you buy for yourself instead of having it gifted. But, with the prices on some of that stuff, praise her for holding you down lol

              • Yea I appreciated the gesture. AND to be honest I thought “maybe now I will wear this” but honestly…I don’t. And I probably won’t wear it again unless she helps me lol. Anytime I’ve ever indulged in weave I was always like “this is awful!” Which is funny because I wear tons of makeup and even false lashes like it’s no big thing, but weave always feels cumbersome to me.

                • Pinks

                  I told my bestie I wanted her to make me a half wig like she did for herself, but it was a half-truth. I admire weave/wigs on other people, but it doesn’t do it for me on myself. I had a pack of hair put in for my wedding to make my fishtail thicker and two days later I had my husband cutting it out on our living room floor lol

                  I don’t wear makeup, lashes, any of it. On a daily basis I swipe my EOS across my lips and that’s it. Thank goodness the man likes this bare-bones stuff because I’m so out of touch with beauty regimens.

                  • Makeup is more for myself than to impress a man. Plus I used to pick my skin BAD and my skin looked terrible.

                    • Pinks

                      And that’s exactly how it should be. When I get my hair done professionally, EYE can’t stop checking myself out in the mirror, men be damned!

                  • Annalise Keating

                    I can totally relate. I think weaves look amazing on many women but I tried to rock it and it doesn’t work for me. I sweat a lot when I work out (which is often) and it gets itchy and stinky in less than a week.
                    I am a too careless for makeup too. Within minutes I have smudged all the makeup without even realizing it. The most I would do is long lasting liquid lipsticks (which are amazing!)

                    • Manny

                      That’s why I look for waterproof wverything and justvdo eyeliner with liquid lipstick. Coloured Raine or beautybakerie NEVER SMUDGE.

                    • Annalise Keating

                      I gotta try the waterproof eyeliner.

                  • L8Comer

                    side note: I love a fishtail!

          • Yeah, that wins for odd gift. Like her girl, get your hair fixed? Unless they knew your preference like that, that was a jacked up gift.

        • camilleblu

          errr…

          i have never heard of someone getting their friend weave for christmas…and if they’rfe your friend, don’t they know you don’t wear weave?

          • I think she thought I would wear it. I be liking HER weaves…but…I only wore it once, and that was with HER assistance. I can’t bring myself to use it again, because I think it’s gonna look weird lol.

            • camilleblu

              oh, ok. lol…i would still never think to give my friend weave for christmas…maybe a gift certificate to a salon, but not like, the actual bundle in a bag under the tree…lolol

          • Aly

            Oh. *returns weave I got you for Christmas*

            • camilleblu

              lol…HUSH

          • miss t-lee

            Ok, I’m saying…lol

        • miss t-lee

          Someone bought you weave for Christmas?

          • LOL yes. My best friend. It wasn’t my ONLY gift…but it was the only one I only used once :(

            • miss t-lee

              That’s bizarre.

              • I don’t think so. Then again…I always appreciate gifts because I dont’ get them often.

                • miss t-lee

                  I understand. I just think something like weave is super personal.

      • Annalise Keating

        But there are also a lot of naturals who do not wear weaves either

        • miss t-lee

          I’m aware.

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