Ask Agatha: “I Can’t Stop Stalking My Ex On Instagram!” » VSB

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Ask Agatha: “I Can’t Stop Stalking My Ex On Instagram!”

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Cash from Queens, NY asks:

My ex and I broke up a year ago but I still find myself checking her social media accounts. On the train ride to work. Standing in line for coffee. At night, after I put my FWB in a cab. I know it’s keeping me from moving on but I can’t help myself, the Internet is always just right there. How do I stop?

I once met up with a guy from Craigslist on the Staten Island Bridge at 1:00 a.m. on a weeknight, to buy an, illegal here in NYC, ferret. For a boyfriend. People do dumb shit. And I’s people. So of course, I get where you’re coming from. And of course, I myself have done my own fair share of trawling my ex’s Instagram account.

It’s late, you’re bored, and your phone is in your hand and BAM! You’re looking at real time pictures. Oh he’s at Katra now. Just got there and he looks drunk already. Did he ever smile that wide with me?

And now you’re SCROLLING. And Analyzing.

Cool, he always wanted to go to that country, I thought we’d do it together though. Who that he’s got his arm around? I could’ve sworn I knew all his boys. What is he doing APPLE PICKING in the middle of the workday? What female talked him into a romantic day trip to a motherfucking orchard? Whose delicate ass hand is that just out of frame? Oh I see he’s still wearing the ring I got him. And that chain. And those boots. Wow is he balding? Fuck, he must be freaking out. Poor baby. Damn has he gotten more diesel, like us breaking up just freed him up to fully focus on his abs.

And now you’re SPIRALING.

Look at all the new memories he’s making. With all these people I no longer know. Why is he so happy? Am I the only one with the broken heart? But whose HAND was that really? Damn, Look at how our paths have diverged…pretty soon he’ll look back and not see the fork in the road.  

And now you’ve gone from just bored to utterly dejected. And now you’re hosting your very own pity party and you’ve invited all your regrets.

Those were the thoughts I had every time I opened my ex’s IG or Facebook accounts. Death by a thousand cuts. That shit is painful. And I’d cry to my friends. Wondering why I couldn’t stop picking at this scab. Saying to them I couldn’t wait to get to the other side of this when I wasn’t doing anything to help myself get there. Cash, after a while you’re not a victim, you’re a volunteer.

Every time you’re tempted to open up her social media account—make a different choice. It’s on you.

Stephanie from Oakland, CA asks:

I’ve found myself in a situationship with a frienemy’s ex. I confided in my best friend and now everyone knows. I’m livid. I thought I could’ve trusted her. Should I end the friendship?

If you couldn’t keep your own secret, a secret you had a vested interested in shutting the fuck up about then why did you expect your friend, who didn’t, to be able to? Especially when the tea was so hot even you had to share it. But that wasn’t your question was it? You question was, should you end the friendship? And I say, nah. You better just chalk this one up to the game. You lesson here is, something my dad always says, which is, your best friend has a best friend who has a best friend who has a best friend so the best way to keep a secret is to keep it.

Marcus from Baltimore, MD asks:

She makes more money than me but she never offers to pay for anything It’s been about a handful of dates.  How do I address it?

It’s too late. The way the situation is setup between you two, you’re the handout and she’s the one with her hand out. And that’s how it’s always going to be. She probably got you saved as BANK in her phone. And I don’t blame her. Here she is thinking she’s dating a baller (because I’m sure that’s how you portrayed yourself in the beginning), someone that can afford to pay for meals without writing in to a website to complain about it and instead she’s dating someone feeling some type of way about the money she’s making. If you’re poor why did you aim so high? In fact why are you dating at all if you can’t afford the standard ass courtship phase? This relationship is a wash. The only option you have is to break up with her and lay the “we going dutch” groundwork with someone with lower self-esteem.  

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • IsitFridayyet?

    That first question. *shudders*

    That is one of the few reasons why I don’t have a Facebook, only God knows about my tumbler, and I follow no one I know in real life on social media and vice versa. This has worked for me so far.

  • Sigma_Since 93

    Marcus needs to:

    A) Improve is Bougie radar
    B) Know how to sprinkle those what do you like to do questions into the conversation and pay attention instead of being hypnotized by her bewbs; his pockets will thank him later.

    • Freebird

      Marcus is obviously a yougin. A woman worth dating might not go dutch but she will offer to take you out if you A) Take her out and treat her well most of the time and B) If she is worth keeping around

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Amen brother, Amen.

  • miss t-lee

    The answer to # 3 has me weak. It’s too late homie.
    #1—gotta cut all ties. Delete, block combo is undefeated.
    #2–some secrets should stay between you and the Lord.

    • YeaSoh

      Word… never speak on a secret you mind getting out.

      • AlwaysCC

        “Got a secret
        Can you keep it?
        Swear this one you’ll save
        Better lock it, in your pocket
        Taking this one to the grave
        If I show you then I know you
        Won’t tell what I said
        ‘Cause two can keep a secret
        If one of them is dead”

        -The Pierces

        • YeaSoh

          Ok ACC that was a little morbid lol

          • AlwaysCC

            lol it’s the theme song to pretty little liars. i did NOT make that up. them heffas got secrets…

            • LOL I got the reference.

              • AlwaysCC

                i never really paid attention to the lyrics until about season 3 (i usually walked out the room while the intro played). when i heard the lyrics, i *knew* them heffas was crazy!

                • LOL I love the lyrics. I always would sing along. I had to stop watching that show tho…too much implied child molestation :/ Fitz…you’re grown and Aria is 15 so….stop it.

                  • AlwaysCC

                    lol yeah – they “tried” to fix it (i think she’d just had her 18th birthday when they actually slept together), but nobody was buying that lol it just made me soooooooo angry that these little girls were out here being all grown (why doesn’t your mama know WHERE you are?!?! seriously?!?) and not telling an adult when they get in trouble…

        • miss t-lee

          This escalated quick as fcuk…lol

          • dmcmillian72

            Okay, this response made me laugh out LOUD!!! Thank you!

            This is also the theme song to “Pretty Little Liars”.

            • miss t-lee

              I never watched the show, so it took me by surprise…lol!

    • PhlyyPhree

      Delete and block never works for me. My friends screenshot game is meaan

      • miss t-lee

        My friends know better.

        • PhlyyPhree

          I wish. They know I want to know even though I don’t REALLY want to know, you know?

          • miss t-lee

            Nah. I really don’t wanna know…lol

      • Your friends need to do better. Stirring up mess.

  • NapkinsAndCommas

    I never friend someone I’m seriously interested in. I may take a glance in the beginning to make sure there’s no gf, fiancee, wife… The one person I can think of I ignored my rule for, I hid him and he’s still hidden and I’m no longer interested.

  • YeaSoh

    Wow Ag… for a sec I thought these were real answers… but then I remembered you said ferret… No one buys ferrets off Craigslist anymore… AliExpress bish and they’ll deliver between 5 and 160 days.

    Anyway, great advice! My favorite – #3… it’s over boo boo, hit eject and try again.

    • Agatha Guilluame

      I did buy a ferret, in May 2010. That wasn’t made up.

      • AlwaysCC

        there was so much detail in that response that i kinda figured it was true lol

        • Agatha Guilluame

          It’s not like I’m proud. But yeah, it happened. *hangs head*

          • Why were you dating a man who would want a pet ferret?

            • YeaSoh

              Ummmm ferrets look like awesome pets so…

            • Smelly tube shaped rats *shudders*

              • YeaSoh

                Who knew they stink?? I didn’t know that… I’m learning so much here

                • miss t-lee

                  They do. We had one as a class pet in elementary school.
                  Yick.

                  • YeaSoh

                    Like a hamster huh? I can see that

                    • miss t-lee

                      Yup…but worse.

                    • YeaSoh

                      Oh gawd

            • Ferrets are cute lol…I never knew people felt so strongly about ferrets though.

              • Only weird men own ferrets.

                • That’s probably true lol. They’re cute…but I wouldn’t want to like…live with one

      • miss t-lee

        I was thinking maybe “ferret” was a code for something else…lol

        • Reemo

          Man me too. I was thinking she bought him a choppa to keep under the couch. That’s real love there #relationshipgoals

          • miss t-lee

            LOL!!!!

      • YeaSoh

        I don’t know what to say… other than, where’s the ferret now? Surely there’s more here

        • Agatha Guilluame

          The ferret died before the end of that summer. I didn’t ask him too many questions because…I didn’t wanna know. Here’s what I knew. I knew that he’d had a pet ferret has a kid and he always wanted one back. I had this thing about getting him even the impossible because he grew up SDA so he didn’t get presents and as an adult he really appreciated them. What we didn’t expect was the ferret to stink as much as it did. And he lived in a room in an old pre-war building (so poor ventilation). And I stopped coming over as much because of it. And one day late in the summer, I came over and the ferret was gone. He said it had died. And that was that.

          • AlwaysCC

            i think that was kinda awesome of you. i’m sad the ferret ended up at the ferret farm though.

          • YeaSoh

            Ahhh man… :-(… I shouldn’t have asked. Something told me “that ferret dead yo”… that was sweet tho

            Question: Are you supposed to bathe a ferret? They don’t seem the easiest to give baths. And what do they eat? I imagine carrots… so many questions

          • QuirlyGirly

            Yes, ferets do smell. My sister’s boyfriend gave her one and it was a funky thing. I didn’t like it because it looked like a rodent with a long body. it was too much for me.

          • Siante

            your life is fascinating

    • Peaches

      between 5 and 160 days? lolol

  • PunchDrunkLove

    If you’re petty enough to ask about paying for dates, then you shouldn’t date. Come out when your pockets are right. Asking about when Imma pay is a straight deal breaker.

    I see nothing wrong with googling or checking out a person’s profile on social sites. No way I’m digging deep and snooping though. Much of what you need to know about a person is always right in your face. I believe most people dive in too quick, too soon. If you’re too up close and personal, usually the finger in the eye effect happens. Keep your physical distance back long enough to allow a person’s character to come through.

    • San

      In other words, no Netflix and chill for the first 3 months, lol.

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Exactly! lol

  • Freebird

    #3 Dudes don’t get it. You should want to pay for all (most) of the dates and buy most of the gifts. Treat em well…And never look back regretfully when it’s time to cash out. Control the narrative lil homie. Control the narrative.

    • WANT to pay and CAN pay are two different things. Most men want to spoil their love interest but most of the time it isn’t feasible.

      • Better get on Living Social and stop playing.

      • Mixtapes and Spotify playlists cost nothing but your time and energy…

        • All jokes aside. Time and energy are a ‘cost’, too. You gotta respect someone that spends them on you.

          • I agree. I respect that more than throwing money around.

        • All jokes aside. Time and energy are a ‘cost’, too. You gotta respect someone that spends them on you.

      • Freebird

        I pay and sooooo…I decide where we go and how much I’m cashing out. She don’t have to like it….I don’t have to spend my money or time on her ungrateful @ss. And who said I have to take this woman who I don’t know and who has not walked around my home naked to Ruth Chris? Good steak, great company, extraordinary friends and connections is fo’ team players.

        • Dating is for feeling out and wooing, not a power struggle. Sometimes you have to just make her happy.Sometime she bites the bullet. That’s just how relationships grow.

          • Ani-Q

            “Dating is for feeling out and wooing, not a power struggle”

            Sir, you are awesome!

            • Oh, I’ll say something stupid eventually. It’s only a matter of time.

              • Ani-Q

                Well damn aint no reason to be shooting yourself in the foot so soon after winning the quick draw.

                • Temey Nosce, know thyself.

          • Freebird

            sure my dude. sure.

  • Pinks

    Agatha for prez.

  • #1 is why it’s better to just be up under someone rather than catching
    the Cliffnotes on their life from the ‘Gram. Let’s be in the moment and all that new age ish. When yall break up, it’s less messy. I’m still getting messages from exes I should’ve blocked from some social network or another. Or I find my self feeling like their general perkiness is irksome. I don’t like falling victim to my pettiness.

  • That #1 is too real. You gotta stop that before you start.
    #3 -__________________________________________- can everyone just STOP with this “who pays for the date” nonsense. Best way to decide, is who planned the date. Now you gotta ask yourself, if you’re dating someone who NEVER invites YOU on a date THEY planned, is this someone you want to keep foolin’ with? Easy peasy.

    • AlwaysCC

      thank you!! and QUIT living above your means!! don’t invite someone to something that will cause you to not be able to pay your rent or eat for the rest of the month!

      • PunchDrunkLove

        And quit bellyaching over something so petty. If a meal will set you back, again, get out of the game.

        • miss t-lee

          See.
          SEE.

          • PunchDrunkLove

            I’m so glad some of us understand, we get it.

            • miss t-lee

              Oh trust, I do.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                What would dining on brisket at a decent place in Texas run you with drinks and desert? I’m on a brisket binge and I was watching the food network last night.

                • miss t-lee

                  You’d probably wouldn’t be having drinks, since most of the best spots are hole in the walls with no liquor licenses. You might get lucky if they sell beer. 9 times out of 10 though, no.
                  Brisket is priced by the lb. Couple lbs, plus sides bout $40/$50

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    Sauce, not vinegar, based right???

                    • miss t-lee

                      Sauce?
                      Don’t insult me, mayne.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      I’m a sauce man all day long. I get in my feelings when I ask for barbecue or brisket and the sauce is vinegar #anounceofprevention

                    • miss t-lee

                      As AlwaysCC explained up top…ain’t no sauce.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Check this, under Central TX bbq: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbecue_in_Texas

                    • AlwaysCC

                      my hubs always says that if you HAVE to use sauce, you didn’t do a good job cooking the meat lol we are a sauce optional family

                    • miss t-lee

                      Your hubs is right.
                      Either they’re covering some shizz up, or the meat was trash from jump.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      not in tejas. dry rub/seasoning only. memphis/kc/st louis are more for the sauces

                • C E

                  At a dos home spot or food truck a meal would be between $15 and $20, but at a nouveau-marinated -in -apricot mojito joint, the brisket alone would be $15!

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Some of these brothas are looking at these $200 dates, starting to do the math, and getting nervous.

          • If someone expects a *insert specific monetary amount* date out the gate…go the other way. this $200 date foolishness is some #BlackTwitter mess that I can’t believe has seeped into the minds and lives of people IRL. You know who takes you on $200 dates? YOUR MAN…not some n*gga you met last week on POF.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              The last time the $200 date was discussed here, some folk determined that the $200 date was realistic based upon your location. The D.C. folk were stating dinning at a nice, not exclusive, restaurant could hit that based upon drinks, meal, and tip.

              So if a basic meal at a nice, not exclusive, restaurant is running you $200, some brothas may try to Netflix and chill.

              • ANYTHING CAN be done. However if spending $200 on a casual date is outside of your ability, then it is not realistic, and it is NEVER necessary. Also, if you’re sitting up here tallying up gas/tolls/parking/appetizers/drinks/entre in some weird itemized list of things you did for someone, you don’t need to be dating. You treat people to dates because you want to get to know them, or you enjoy them and you can and you WANT to. If you are doing it in expectation of sex…get a hooker. At least this way you KNOW you’ll get what you paid for, and you don’t have to go through the rigmarole of this “date”

                • Epsilonicus

                  I do that because I got smart finances and I actually budget my play money. I just don’t tell the person I am doing that

                  But again, I have successfully retired from the dating game so…

              • h.h.h. Aka Scrooge McTiger

                The D.C. folk were stating dinning at a nice, not exclusive, restaurant could hit that based upon drinks, meal, and tip.

                if you’re in NYC, go to a decent restaurant. get a drink, or 2. get appetizers. get a main course. ehhh, you’re feeling frisky, get a slice of apple pie.

                multiply that x2. add a tip. in 80% of the restaurants in NYC, you’re going over $120.

                but there’s groupon (that bougie women will scrunch their face up at). and burger joints (that bougie women will scrunch their face up at)

                so as a broke dude, i get it. i just dont date till i make that loot.

                *insert the ‘there are THOUSANDS OF THINGS TO DO FOR $4 IN NYC! YOU’RE JUST LAZY’ reponse*

                i’d respond, but i’m lazy.

            • YeaSoh

              Can someone explain the $200 date reference? Is that what I should be aiming for? Ni99as been getting OVUHHH!!!

              • miss t-lee

                It’s a carryover from twitter.
                Lame dude were posting pics of what they paid for on dates. Some dude paid $200 and it immediately became this running joke on what you should pay for a date.

            • Twitter, man.

              Some of the dudes on there acting like women are holding them to (literal) baller standards. Sir, if you are not literally dribbling a basketball or running with a football tucked under your arm or running to catch that pop fly? Please stop these hypotheticals because you know good and damn well ain’t no woman expecting your 9 to 5 a s s to shell out $200 for a first date.

              • Medium Meech

                It’s not hard to reach $200 for dinner and drinks in a major city and to me it’s cheap. I’d rather spend $300 bucks up front (go ahead and order the tasting menu on the first date)than my actual time and effort to later find out that’s what impresses you. And if that let’s me know what I’m dealing with up front then that’s a good investment. I don’t want to sound callous but you put yourself in a position to be easily used and easily replaced if the price of your affections is as low as nice dinners and trinkets. Much cheaper in the long run.

                • YeaSoh

                  Ummm the dinners and the trinkets one buys don’t speak to another’s value… they speak to cost of the trinket and diner – That’s IT. So you think what you spend on a date is equivalent to your date’s value?? Really, interesting. Most people don’t put a price tag on their affections

                  • Medium Meech

                    Not at all.

                    • YeaSoh

                      So what did you mean by this “you put yourself in a position to be easily used and easily replaced if the price of your affections is as low as nice dinners and trinkets”?

                    • Medium Meech

                      Exactly what it sounds like. I’m not sure why you’re getting offended. I’m not saying that if you buy a girl a nice dinner she’s materialistic. Far from it. But in my experience the type of girl that only wants to go the fancy restaurant and insists on that for a first date without even knowing me usually values those type of things. I haven’t been proven wrong. To some girls effort and caring is spending, and I’d rather spend money than my time and effort on someone that into the material and I find them easily replaceable in my life because there’s nothing deeper. I’m missing what’s wrong with what I said.

                    • YeaSoh

                      I didn’t get offended, just asking for clarity. Maybe it’s in how I read it, but it read to me differently… as you were

                    • Medium Meech

                      Uh, huh. You progressive girls are sensitive about anything that pokes at that free dinner in this brave new world of equality and neutral gender roles. Don’t worry, I’m perfectly ok with buying dinner and don’t think a girl owes me anything or is morally challenged for accepting my gesture of interest. How am I going to ask you to dinner and complain?

                    • YeaSoh

                      Meech, please – it had nothing to do with that. Progressive means I’m good on a free meal -let’s talk tax credits, health benefits and joint expense accounts. I get it, we’re essentially saying the same thing – I think. I just misread what you wrote.

                    • cancergirl08

                      I find men are easy to part with money and their bodies. Now, their souls? Their emotions? Their thoughts? Life story? That takes time. I can tell how much a guy trusts me, how much he’s willing to invest, by what he shares with me in those respects. That’s the real gold right there.

                    • Medium Meech

                      This exactly. When I was younger I was younger spending too much was a pride thing, but since I’ve made it to this side of 30 I value my time and energy more. If a girl is content selling herself short with the short term material then she isn’t the one for me long term.

                • miss t-lee

                  “I don’t want to sound callous but you put yourself in a position to be easily used and easily replaced if the price of your affections is as low as nice dinners and trinkets. Much cheaper in the long run.”

                  Only folks who are impressed by this, are folks who ain’t never been anywhere. You’re paying for dinner, not curing cancer.

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    “You’re paying for dinner, not curing cancer.”

                    That was a Bernie Mac throat punch if I’ve ever seen one.

                  • Welp. I ain’t gotta respond now.

                  • teehee lol like for real. It’s all food at the end of the day. Guess where it ends up? In the damn toilet after your body does what it will with it. No matter if you cooked the food, the line cook at Olive Garden cooked the food, or Paula damn Deen cooked the food…it all get shat out…It’s really not that big a deal.

                    • miss t-lee

                      I’ve had $100 dinners where I had to go home and eat a sandwich because I was hungry 30 minutes later. I mean, really.

                  • Medium Meech

                    I don’t think it’s a matter of being impressed. Those date’s aren’t crazy expensive in a big city. But there is a certain type of bougie girl that equates those type of dates as you showing interest as opposed to time and quite frankly effort. So you know, play accordingly.

                    • miss t-lee

                      I guess. I’m far from bougie, so this isn’t my portion.

                • Please refer to @miss_t_lee:disqus’s response lol

                • NomadaNare

                  Ah but you then set a standard that you may not always want to meet I simply dont date women that expect me to spend a certain amount of money of them if my company isnt enough most days than you dont need me

                  • Medium Meech

                    I mean it’s a free country. I can choose not to see the person at all or meet their conditions as long as we are both happy with the arrangement. I won’t miss money as much as I will invested emotion and time.

                • Question

                  So you just taking chicas on $300 first dates all willy nilly like?

                  I call BS.

                  • Medium Meech

                    Not every weekend but I’ve ended up doing it. Me and my boy somehow ended up taking a group of girls out once, don’t ask. And plan B can be expensive.

              • Gibbous

                Something I just don’t understand: if I’m asked on a date, we go where he chooses., or at least it’s a mutual choice. Since when does the askee get to choose where to go?

            • PunchDrunkLove

              “YOUR MAN…not some n*gga you met last week on POF.”

              This….this is the problem with soooo many folks.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              I don’t think a dollar amount is being thrown out thre; it’s more around the notion of the Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Applebees, and restaurants in that vein are not date restaurants.

              My pastor was telling the ladies to have a standard. He was like why you getting excited about him taking you to Applebees when you can take yourself and use your frequent patron app for discounts???

              That next tier of restaurant can push your bill close to that mark; especially if you live in NYC, DMV, ATL, or Cali.

              • miss t-lee

                Here’s the deal.
                I don’t care what you spent on the date, why? Because I’m not paying for that sh*t.
                If it’s $50 or $500, I’ll have a good time with you, if we’re clicking.

              • Says who? It’s such a superficial notion that you can’t go to x restaurant for a date. The fact of spending time with someone you like and want to be with should be enough that you can go where ever with them, but hey, I’m different. Money doesn’t move me…and I LIKE Red Lobster…who else got the delicious buttery cheddar biscuits? WHO?!

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  “who else got the delicious buttery cheddar biscuits? WHO?!”

                  Big Momma!!!

                  • I’ve met quite a few big momma’s…and NONE of them even closely match the delicious decadence which is a Cheddar Bay Biscuit…not a ONE.

                • miss t-lee

                  Kats sleep on the happy hour dates.

                  • Listen!

                    • miss t-lee

                      Keep telling them, work smarter, not harder.

                  • They don’t hear me tho. They wanna spend up a car note on some woman who probably got 3 other dates lined up that week…Women still date for dinner…don’t get it twisted.

                    • miss t-lee

                      They won’t listen, but that’s okay…lol

                    • Epsilonicus

                      I tell people this and women howl to the moon that this is a myth

                    • Marcie

                      LMAO @ howl to the moon!

                • Baemie St. Patrick

                  nobody.

                • NapkinsAndCommas

                  THANK YOU. I still don’t understand why specific places are shunned because they aren’t of a certain caliber. I’m also not one that minds planning and paying if it’s reciprocated, but like you said I’m here for the company not the lobster.

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    “THANK YOU. I still don’t understand why specific places are shunned because they aren’t of a certain caliber.”

                    Eddie Murphy used to tell a joke about a hungry person being happy someone gave them ritz crackers to eat. After a while they were like, hey this is just a ritz cracker. How many places have become ritz crackers to us? I KNOW you are not excited at the notion of going to McDonalds on a date.

                    • Val

                      Speaking of Ritz crackers; they used to be so good. All kinds of buttery and such Now they taste like cardboard. Just horrible.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      i bought some for my kids and couldn’t even finish 1! yecch

                    • Val

                      Lol I still have a whole box minus about three of them in the kitchen.

                      edit: I’ve moved on to Townehouse crackers now.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      ooh townhouse crackers are good, too. usually i just grab some breton sesame or whole grain crackers to eat with olives and cheese because #saddity lol but the kids like them, so that’s always a plus

                    • miss t-lee

                      Oh no. Did they change them? I haven’t had them in years.

                    • Val

                      They must have. After I took a bite of one I checked the box to make sure I didn’t get the low/ no fat by mistake. But they were the regular ones. Just awful.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Aw dang. :(
                      Ritz with some sharp cheddar used to be soooo good.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      or with pepperoni slices!

                    • Val

                      That sounds good.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      This was the fancy step up from Vienna sausage and ritz crackers when momma had some extra pocket change.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      ritz were fancy for us lol we got bologna, cheddar, and saltines or viennas and saltines. if mama bought ritz, she had coupons or sumn lol

                    • miss t-lee

                      Never tried this.

                    • miss t-lee

                      They bet not change up the triscuits–I know that!

                    • Lea Thrace

                      For me it’s not cause McDs is cheap. It’s cause it’s trash. Im game for Chipotle though. But McDs? That tells me you dont want me to live or prosper.

                    • NapkinsAndCommas

                      Zactly.

                    • LadyIbaka

                      Yazzzzzzz to Chipotle!!

                    • NapkinsAndCommas

                      Nah I don’t eat at certain places because I don’t like them period, McDonalds being one of them. There’s so much middle ground between Del Frisco’s and barely edible fast food places, so that’s not really a good argument. When I see a new maybe even expensive restaurant I want to try, I take myself with friends or family. Why wait on a date, and why should he have to shell out barely knowing me?

                  • LadyIbaka

                    Oh please, about folks saying Red Lobster being basic. I LOVE shrimp. So long as his personality is engaging and I’m attracted to him, shiiiiid lets eat, make merry and love afterwards.

                • San

                  Ha!

                • YES. Red Lobster is amazing and if a person appreciates it as much as I do and/or doesn’t judge me for liking it so much, we go together.

                  • AlwaysCC

                    #allyoucaneatshrimp dat’s it.

                    • They just keep bringing you shrimp. It’s AMAZING.

                  • Baemie St. Patrick

                    Crabfest is still one of my favorite times of the year.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Crabfest still goes.

                    • It’s crabby Christmas and I’ve never even been. Shrimpfest tho? Yas.

                  • NomadaNare

                    But its Red Lobster tho That is tantamount to treason growing up in a place like New Orleans where cheap tasty seafood is the norm #judgingyou #butshouldntbe #dewyewbew

                    • AlwaysCC

                      ain’t nuthin like a poboy from the back of a gas station! lol that only cost $3 for a footlong…

                    • NomadaNare

                      Ive scanned your statement for anything that might be considered false and been left wanting

                    • I mean, I feel that way about Philly standards. But ’round here? Red Lobster is a big deal. Not like, dress up big (unless you’re me) but big.

                    • NomadaNare

                      Not a single place Ive been to is dress up big But I also have zero chill negative tact and only a modicum of couth Also serious inquiry, why go to Red Lobster when you can get buy a bigger lobster from the store and boil it yourself for less significantly less money

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Convenience factor

                    • Because it’s part of the experience of going out together. Also, I don’t buy expensive proteins for me to ruin. Oh, and also Red Lobster is about biscuits and never ending shrimp. Nobody goes for lobster.

                    • StillSuga

                      Facts

                    • NomadaNare

                      LOL#howmuchIknowabouthomardlerouge also what youre saying is youd rather get dressed up fancy to eat shrimp and biscuits than cook lobster #shotsfired #notjudgingtho

                    • lol You can judge if you want. I’m not terrible but I’m not the best cook in the world. I KNOW I’d mess up lobster. Also, unlimited shrimp and delicious biscuits are things I like to celebrate. Little victories in life and ish.

                    • NomadaNare

                      In the immortal words of the Patron Saint of General Blackness and Nigardry

                      We gon be alright

                      Because you are on a site called VSB I’m absolutely sure you can be taught to do something as simple as boil lobster Its seriously one of the easiest fanciest meals to prepare If you were in Chitown Id even supply the lobster and wine #shootyourshot #butshotsfiredtho

                    • lol Are you supplying moscato? And I mean, I’ve burned water before, but I appreciate your vote of confidence.

                    • Because cheddar biscuits. No matter how hard you try to make them at home they are not the same and it is worth the inconvenience to a carbaholic like me.

                  • It’s endless shrimp…we go together…let’s go together! :D

                  • Val

                    Honestly though, Sawyer, on a first date I’m going to expect a more creative choice then Red Lobster. It doesn’t have to be more expensive just something that thought was put into it.

                    • I feel you. But, like, all I do is whine about how no one ever takes me to Red Lobster. So I’m easy. I agree it may not be the most romantic first date, esp. since it can be messy, but second date? You’re in. First dates should be more adventurous for both parties.

                    • I love Red Lobster. I always get the coconut shrimp and tell em’ to keep the biscuits coming. I suspect this is how I gained 20lbs that one summer :-/

                    • Brass Tacks

                      What up RubyWooWho
                      Refreshing like Yoohoo
                      since ladies dig Haiku
                      I added an extra line for you *Snaps Fingers*

                    • Is this you propositioning me for a Red Lobster date? Because, yes.

                    • Brass Tacks

                      lmao *daps*

                    • mzpw2015

                      I’m late & all…. (like always), but that just cracked me up for some reason….smooth fella!

                    • OMG my bored hungry is going into overload and it’s 3am. No bueno. also all of this makes me glad I stayed with my high school sweetheart. Our first date was either at Arbys or Taco Time. Because high school. Too many rules are being laid down. Oh damb if a cherry turnover doesn’t sound good now too. I need sleep.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      See I am of the mindset that the date shouldn’t outshine the person.

                    • Can you elaborate?

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Like first dates you should do activities that allow you two to interact and doesn’t distract someone from getting to know you. For example, movies are terrible first date kind of activities. Sometimes concerts can be too.

                    • Val

                      I think the opposite, Eps. First dates shouldn’t put too much pressure on the couple to interact.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Ain’t the whole point getting to know people? You cannot get to know people unless you interact. The more you do so early, the better.

                    • Val

                      It’s just a first date though. Lol Take the pressure off by doing something that lends itself to being a subject in and of itself. Like an art exhibit or put-put-golf.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      i like to invite singles/friends to dinner parties or small gatherings at the house. that way if a connection happens, great. if not, there are plenty of other people to interact with and have a good time without it being awkward. what yall do afterward is none of my business, and do NOT involve me in it lol

                    • Val

                      Exactly. Just sitting there staring at each other for a first date can be nerve wracking.

                    • LadyIbaka

                      But ya’ll to even be on a date, there must have been some of connection, no? So why ya’ll staring at each other?

                    • Val

                      Nervousness? Shyness?

                    • This sounds fun!

                    • Epsilonicus

                      But then there is the risk that you get distracted spending too much time with another friend or something. So you gotta be careful at these.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      yeah that’s true. but we don’t make it obvious or the main purpose of the event. most of the time, people fall into the group they’re most comfortable talking with – so if the 2 singles fall in the same group it’s more of a natural thing than a forced thing.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      I misread it. I thought you meant on a first date you bring someone to a house party at a friends house. My bad.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      oh – i may not have made it clear that *I* was arranging the first “date” lol but i’ve also had friends bring a new boo to a gathering to make it less awkward. drinks and karaoke means fun for everyone lol

                    • Epsilonicus

                      You also gotta know your friends. If you got friends like mine, who cannot spell chill, it may not work in your favor. Plus you risk leaving your date alone. And it is a bit much to ask someone on a first date to deal well with your friends.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      that is very true. my friends are also respectful enough not to bring someone questionable all up in and through somebody else’s house.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      They might not be questionable. It just might be tough to impress YOU and the friends on a first date. Bc we all know yall gonna talk about the person after the date is over lol

                    • AlwaysCC

                      i *was* actually talking about questionable people lol you know s/he ain’t schit? don’t bring them. my friends know that impressing me ain’t the goal. if you’re happy i’m happy. you wanna see how your new love interest “fits in” with us? cool. tell him/her to bring his (or her) best singing voice and something to drink cuz we ’bout to party lol we may trade a few jokes on their outfit/accent/hair/song choice, but we will treat them like everyone else there.
                      like you said…know your friends. because we also may not wait until the date is over to talk about them

                    • Totally agree. Movies are the worst. Unless the theatre is empty.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Then you can crack jokes all movie long

                    • YeaSoh

                      Unless it’s a good movie then you need to be quiet

                    • QueLoQue

                      Exactly, first couple dates should be testing the waters. Homie’s self esteem is weak. He doesn’t believe he’s good enough for her in the first place, that’s why he’s spending way above his means so soon.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      I dated women who made way more than me. It is all in attitude and how you carry it. You carry it like you successful, then there are no problems.

                    • QueLoQue

                      And stop tying people’s worth to their money/job (reminds me of that Sanaa-French article from a while back). She’s not better than you, she just has a better job . She could be a terrible person, or someone who won’t ride with you when times get tough. It’s better to find that out early.

                    • cancergirl08

                      Yes! I can’t tell you how many six-figure “zeros” there are walking around DC.

                    • LadyIbaka

                      Chuuuuurch!!!!!

                    • I disagree about movies. Movies offer a great talking point for later on in the date. Start with the movie and then move on to a walk at a park, ice cream date, etc. That way both people have at least the movie they’ve both seen to break the ice.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Not good on a first date

                    • Natasha

                      I’m not big on going to the movies at all, but there is a dine-in theater here in Fort Lauderdale that I love going to. They have big, comfy reclining chairs. You press a button and your server comes out just like a regular restaurant.

                    • h.h.h. Aka Scrooge McTiger

                      but that’s 2 hours of silence…

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Also, never do a date that is so huge and fancy that the focus on the experience and not on you the person.

                    • h.h.h. Aka Scrooge McTiger

                      which is my prob, since i’m an over-the-top kinda male.

                    • YeaSoh

                      Then no date should be able to out fancy you… *side eye*

                    • h.h.h. Aka Scrooge McTiger

                      if only you knew…..*shrug*

                    • YeaSoh

                      what does that even mean? So a date can out fancy you? Noted

                    • I think if you can manage to pull off an over-the-top date then you are not to be so easily out-shineded. Don’t give up on being over-the-top. Some people like that.

                    • h.h.h. Aka Scrooge McTiger

                      hmmm…my wallet doesn’t. lol

                      and we live in NYC so over the top is … heh. no commento.

                    • LadyIbaka

                      Why do you feel the need to be over the top? What if she is not impressed by your antics?

                    • h.h.h. Aka Scrooge McTiger

                      1. that’s partly how i am.

                      2. i guess she’s not zee right one, eh ehhh?

                    • LadyIbaka

                      so what do these grand gestures consist of?

                    • h.h.h. Aka Scrooge McTiger

                      that’s a great question, and i’m glad you asked!

                    • LadyIbaka

                      So you gon explain or nah?

                    • h.h.h. Aka Scrooge McTiger

                      or nah lol

                    • But does a grand gesture automatically have to equal money? Maybe you wrote her a song and got your band to perform it or something. I dunno, but you ain’t gotta go broke to kick it.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      “Maybe you wrote her a song and got your band to perform it or something”

                      ?????? Really Darius Lovehall was a fictional character

                    • I’ve never seen that movie. But I’m just sayin. Maybe you tattoo my face on your back instead of buying me expensive lobster dinners. At least a clever haiku?

                    • AlwaysCC

                      a clever haiku is ALWAYS appropriate lol

                    • Brass Tacks

                      I run from pain
                      Toward love
                      Toward you *Finger Snaps*

                    • Brass Tacks

                      Dear VSS’s on VSB
                      Will you watch Empire with me
                      I made pancakes we should eat *Finger Snaps*

                    • Lol I can dig it.

                    • Brass Tacks

                      *Nods head in agreement* Because pancakes

                    • Because poetry. And TV.

                    • h.h.h. Aka Scrooge McTiger

                      that’s so great that you think that way!

                      *gives the “aww that’s cute” smile*

                      http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/oh-you.gif

                      never lose that!

                    • Blargh I am perpetually adorable, so this is all valid.

                    • YeaSoh

                      Preach it Ep

                    • LadyIbaka

                      Absolutely!! If that happens, #friendzone, #totheleft,totheleft

                    • Question

                      …but what happens if there’s some restaurants you’ve been meaning to try and you know dude is game AND was raised right (he picks up the checks)??

                      #jussayin

                    • LadyIbaka

                      If I enjoy the meal, ambiance more than you, what’s your use then??

                    • Question

                      I guess I was thinking there’s something in between I-wanna-date-you and turrble. Ya know, something along the lines of your-company-isn’t-unbearable, particularly if dude has good taste in things to do.

                    • LadyIbaka

                      As far as I’m concerned, there is no in between. It’s either I enjoyed the first date or I don’t. Maybe, means goodbye.

                    • Question

                      I ain’t mad at your decisiveness. Haha…I can’t lie and act like I didn’t keep a few around because they were always coming up with interesting things to do. But I also have to acknowledge that I’m tough on people the first time I meet them. If I kicked everyone to the curb based on my first impressions, I wouldn’t have half the friends I have now.

                      $.02.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      I can ALWAYS count on my wing woman to keep it 100!!!

                    • Val

                      Lol It’s true though. Put your back into it, so to speak. It can be a food truck or a taco stand that are off the beaten path and have great food. I’ll be impressed.

                • Epsilonicus

                  My thoughts exactly. But I am married though so people always tell me I don’t know what I am talking about

                  • LOL you’re married tho…I think you must know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Those are my thoughts too but to hear the crowd speak @sigma_since93:disqus and i dont know what we are talmbout

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      Word.

                      Just because you may not be about that life doesn’t mean that she’s not about that life. Between the too chatty women on the bus and the barbershop, the word on the street is interesting to say the least.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      You and I have successfully dated our way out the dating pool so we must know something…

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      yup!

              • Val

                I think all of this depends on your age. If you’re in your early 20s and trying to take a date to a restaurant that’s $100 pp without drinks then there’s a problem.

                • AlwaysCC

                  right! nyc, dmv, and atl have plenty of stuff to do for the low low. if the onlyt hing you can think of is a $100pp then that’s you choosing to do too damb much.

                  • Val

                    And, it’s a really good feeling going on a ‘cheap date’ with someone and the love it. Dating is about learning and one way to learn about who you’re with is how they react to such things as a ‘museum date’.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Exactly.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      granted, i haven’t “dated” in almost a decade cuz #marriage but i always enjoyed our broke. college-student-budget dates. maybe more than our we-got-jobs-now dates that we have now that we’re married *shrug*

                    • Baemie St. Patrick

                      !!!!!

              • PunchDrunkLove

                $200 dollar dates aren’t for folks just stepping out there, just getting started. It ain’t for the smash and grab group. It’s for folks looking for someone for the long haul. When you venture into $200 territory, you go together. You’re sound financially. You have wiggle room. You’re both moving in the same direction. You know what it is and what it ain’t, you’re the ying to their yang….so forth and so on. Y’all grown. Date night might cost you $30 – $40 bucks on the regular or you can pick something up for $20 and put in the oven to keep it warm till dinner time. Or, you can spend $10 – $15 and cook a meal.

                I say get there and get it down….theeen $200 dates ain’t setting folks back and having folks keeping count.

              • Diva

                Ok, wayment. Have a standard surrounding being taken to chain restaurants? What pastor is this? He sounds a little bit like an idiot. I can understand if he was preaching about having a standard as far as what you accept from a psychological or emotional standpoint, in regard to how someone actually TREATS you as a woman, but let’s be real here. The notion as far as dates go should be that you are EATING. That’s one of the main things people do on dates. Who cares where it takes place as long as your stomach is full, you enjoy your company and have a great time? Further, I can take myself to Applebee’s, and I can ALSO take myself to a fancier spot. Meh. Your logic (or your pastor’s) is lost on me.

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  Treats is the magic word; you are correct. The underlying message was don’t let anyone (man) pass off something that’s common as treating you well.

                  Despite the fact we may be eating in this example, you would give me the ninja please look if I attempted to pass off going to McDonalds as a date. Your stomach would be full and you could take yourself but that still would not constitute a date. Why? because you have a standard.

            • 200 dollar dates are unnecessary but I do expect a little planning etc etc put in. Not like old boy who tried to take me to ikea for dinner. it’s rude and disrespectful. Don’t play with my time like that. You can’t convince me you are serious “planning” dates like that. I’d rather stay home.

              • You can get food at Ikea? I never knew that lol.

          • PunchDrunkLove

            $200 dates? You can do lots of things cheaper and in between $1 – $200. Folks don’t know how to date. Now I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had those kinds of dates, but I’m grown…lol Folks should learn how to set the expectation….both of them. Clear communication will keep a lot of misunderstandings and paying a grip then feeling salty later down.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              “Now I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had those kinds of dates, but I’m grown…lol”

              But don’t most folk who don’t live in ‘dey mamma’s house think they grown??? lol

              • PunchDrunkLove

                True…lol

          • Baemie St. Patrick

            two words: GROUP.ON.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              I’m trying to find a groupon / living social to this concert this weekend but neither are my friend!

            • Freebird

              I learned here bougie women side eye dudes who use Groupon on dates.

              • Epsilonicus

                They do.

              • Baemie St. Patrick

                they can get the absolute fugg on. I went on a groupon date to a sushi spot. One of the best dates I’ve ever been on. Shows resourcefulness. Who cares?!

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  “Who cares?!”

                  Women who think that you are too cheap to pay full price. It’s o.k. to be frugal / resourceful in the other areas of your life, just not on them.

              • cakes_and_pies

                #NotAllBougieBlackGirls
                A lot of the isht y’all here about our standards are just birds squawking amongs themselves.

      • San

        Dating today feels more like a meet and greet; either a walk around the Washington Monument when night fall’s or a quick coffee/tea at your local cafe’. And I appreciate this format, because it’s a way to feel out one another to see if it’s worth going all out for.

        • AlwaysCC

          i think that’s exactly how it should be

        • Andie

          I think those invite you around the Washington Monument meet and greets speak volumes tho!!!!! That all u may EVER see is national treasures LOL.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          I miss the SUNY Nut and Bolt jams back in the day; it was a great way to meet folks.

          • San

            That sounds like a university event, right?

            • Sigma_Since 93

              yes

              • San

                Nice! You should re-create a similar one, but for all VSB commentators, *smiling*

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  We would all need to be in the same place. Each man would get a nut and the woman a bolt; you would then mingle to find the match to your nut / bolt.

                  • San

                    Sounds fun!

    • Freebird

      the s hit aint that hard.

    • NomadaNare

      I always pay until we go together Then you cover us when ive exceeded my entertainment budget Thats easier than peasy

      • Andie

        waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

        • NomadaNare

          Woah wusam wut it do

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