Ask Agatha: “I Can’t Stop Stalking My Ex On Instagram!” » VSB

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Ask Agatha: “I Can’t Stop Stalking My Ex On Instagram!”

Cash from Queens, NY asks:

My ex and I broke up a year ago but I still find myself checking her social media accounts. On the train ride to work. Standing in line for coffee. At night, after I put my FWB in a cab. I know it’s keeping me from moving on but I can’t help myself, the Internet is always just right there. How do I stop?

I once met up with a guy from Craigslist on the Staten Island Bridge at 1:00 a.m. on a weeknight, to buy an, illegal here in NYC, ferret. For a boyfriend. People do dumb shit. And I’s people. So of course, I get where you’re coming from. And of course, I myself have done my own fair share of trawling my ex’s Instagram account.

It’s late, you’re bored, and your phone is in your hand and BAM! You’re looking at real time pictures. Oh he’s at Katra now. Just got there and he looks drunk already. Did he ever smile that wide with me?

And now you’re SCROLLING. And Analyzing.

Cool, he always wanted to go to that country, I thought we’d do it together though. Who that he’s got his arm around? I could’ve sworn I knew all his boys. What is he doing APPLE PICKING in the middle of the workday? What female talked him into a romantic day trip to a motherfucking orchard? Whose delicate ass hand is that just out of frame? Oh I see he’s still wearing the ring I got him. And that chain. And those boots. Wow is he balding? Fuck, he must be freaking out. Poor baby. Damn has he gotten more diesel, like us breaking up just freed him up to fully focus on his abs.

And now you’re SPIRALING.

Look at all the new memories he’s making. With all these people I no longer know. Why is he so happy? Am I the only one with the broken heart? But whose HAND was that really? Damn, Look at how our paths have diverged…pretty soon he’ll look back and not see the fork in the road.  

And now you’ve gone from just bored to utterly dejected. And now you’re hosting your very own pity party and you’ve invited all your regrets.

Those were the thoughts I had every time I opened my ex’s IG or Facebook accounts. Death by a thousand cuts. That shit is painful. And I’d cry to my friends. Wondering why I couldn’t stop picking at this scab. Saying to them I couldn’t wait to get to the other side of this when I wasn’t doing anything to help myself get there. Cash, after a while you’re not a victim, you’re a volunteer.

Every time you’re tempted to open up her social media account—make a different choice. It’s on you.

Stephanie from Oakland, CA asks:

I’ve found myself in a situationship with a frienemy’s ex. I confided in my best friend and now everyone knows. I’m livid. I thought I could’ve trusted her. Should I end the friendship?

If you couldn’t keep your own secret, a secret you had a vested interested in shutting the fuck up about then why did you expect your friend, who didn’t, to be able to? Especially when the tea was so hot even you had to share it. But that wasn’t your question was it? You question was, should you end the friendship? And I say, nah. You better just chalk this one up to the game. You lesson here is, something my dad always says, which is, your best friend has a best friend who has a best friend who has a best friend so the best way to keep a secret is to keep it.

Marcus from Baltimore, MD asks:

She makes more money than me but she never offers to pay for anything It’s been about a handful of dates.  How do I address it?

It’s too late. The way the situation is setup between you two, you’re the handout and she’s the one with her hand out. And that’s how it’s always going to be. She probably got you saved as BANK in her phone. And I don’t blame her. Here she is thinking she’s dating a baller (because I’m sure that’s how you portrayed yourself in the beginning), someone that can afford to pay for meals without writing in to a website to complain about it and instead she’s dating someone feeling some type of way about the money she’s making. If you’re poor why did you aim so high? In fact why are you dating at all if you can’t afford the standard ass courtship phase? This relationship is a wash. The only option you have is to break up with her and lay the “we going dutch” groundwork with someone with lower self-esteem.  

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • Your first sentence is wild from start to finish.

  • Dwight Johnson

    Lord Jesus those first that question sounded like I could’ve asked it a couple of weeks/months ago.

    The your best friend has a best friend that has a best friend saying is something I’ll take away from this reading as well.

  • Epsilonicus

    Why Marcus making us Baltimore ninjas look bad?

    • Guest

      Yeah that was pretty lame. Don’t front and then whine about it playa.

    • Because ‘The Wire’ didn’t go far enough.

      • Epsilonicus

        The Wire was about all cities, not just Baltimore lol

        • Don’t try and spread the shame. You are partly right but it was set in Baltimore, not Boise.

          • Epsilonicus

            Because Boise is wack lol

            • The might get it jumping in Boise. As long as you’re, ya know, White.

              • Epsilonicus

                Hahahahaha!! True

    • Medium Meech

      No, Ray did that so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.

      • Epsilonicus

        Ray is innocent

        • Medium Meech

          Which one…

          • Epsilonicus

            Lewis

    • I have a request for you. I’d like to hear you pronounce the following words: Too, you, do, ambulance, father.

      Thanks, Management

      • AlwaysCC

        *waits to figure out where this is going*

      • DBoySlim

        That’s cold. Lol

        • Baltimore/DC accents are the oddest combination of southern drawl and nasally upstate twang.

          • AlwaysCC

            i don’t think i know anyone who is actually “from” baltimore/dc – i only know transplants…now i’m curious to hear that accent lol

            • I don’t know many Baltimore transplants at all. You should search YouTube for “Shidt DC Girls Say” for a sample lol

              • AlwaysCC

                lol that’s funny – it does sound like a weird mix between southern and new york or something.

                • I’ve yet to really put my finger on it. I’m not from Baltimore, though I did do undergrad and grad in Baltimore County. I also finished out HS 25 miles outside of Baltimore, but I sometimes wonder if I’ve picked up a little bit of the accent when folks are like, “I can’t place your accent.”

                  I figure it’s a mix of SoCal with the West African family influence plus the Baltimore and now DC something or other.

                  • AlwaysCC

                    yeah – if i’d heard any of those “girls” talk i would’ve assumed they were from the south somewhere…but then some random word would make me say “where you from?” lol but i get asked that all the time myself

                • Nick Peters

                  DC accent

              • PhlyyPhree

                Freshman year, I roomed across the hall from three girls who grew up in East Baltimore. Needless to say, somehow my mom is still saved as “Mova” in my phone.

                • Nick Peters

                  Strongest U man ever invented

      • Also “cherry” as in “cherry blossoms.” Oh, and “dog.”

      • Medium Meech

        Always try and get a bmore native to say “Dog” when you have a chance. Hilarious.

        • “Dug.”

        • Nick Peters

          Anything with the letter U

      • miss t-lee

        I worked with a lady from Baltimore once. The way she pronounced “too” was so cute to me.

      • YeaSoh

        Lol and they food shop not grocery store… whaaaa?

      • Agatha Guilluame

        *Screams

      • Epsilonicus

        You know what ma’am…

  • Sometimes you have to do what you gotta do to get your ferret game up. Respect.

    Poor Marcus from B-More. I’ve been the poor one in the relationship before. You know what you need, brotha? Netflix and groceries. If she’s too good for that, probably out of your league.

    • cakes_and_pies

      I completely misconstrued the groceries in “Netflix and groceries” and recoiled like da’hale? They just met. And these I realized you actually mean food.

      • LOL. Yes, actual groceries, non-related to poor songwriting.

      • HA! Jhene Aiko has ruined the word now. Or at least make a sister got to reconsider more definitions because I was thinking the same thing when I first read it.

      • PhlyyPhree

        BWAHAHAHAHAH. Look what Omarion has done to our society

    • SweetReserved

      Question, where do you draw the line between meeting someone, going on a date and then going to Netflix and groceries? I’ll automatically assume your trying to Netflix and chill but, Netflix and a nice dinner at your place might be okay -especially if your pockets hurting – but I always think he’s trying to move to the bed after dinner

      • You’re right. There’s a thin line between being invited and being lured. You have to do some official dating before you wander into someone’s space. Just make sure things get clarified from jump.

        • San

          Or just don’t shave. That’s enough will power for me to end all potential shenanigan’s.

          • cakes_and_pies

            Men turn down chex if her legs look like Monique’s wolly turkey drumsticks?

            • DBoySlim

              Nah. I might pretend I’m a caveman.

            • Unless there’s like a visual STD/STI, once you’re there you are there.

              • San

                That is the opposite of Netflix and chill, smh!

            • Nope, but we might bring it up afterwards.

              • cakes_and_pies

                That’s brave.

            • Medium Meech

              I think she meant so she wouldn’t let it jump off. Yeah, but unless you look like Zangif form the waste down we good.

              • San

                Exactly!

          • pls

            the number of times i have shut potential d*ck down based on the fact that i didn’t shave…?!

            • miss t-lee

              They don’t care girl.

              • lol They really don’t. And if they do… never shave for them again.

                • miss t-lee

                  Yup.
                  Be running around yeti style if I hear a complaint.

              • San

                I know they do not care the least bit. But I do, lol.

                • miss t-lee

                  You really would let the action stop because you hadn’t shaved?

                  • San

                    I’m a firm believer in shaping up the coochie catnip.

          • Andie

            Ain’t that the truth!!!

      • Step ur broke date up, maybe a dinner at home is presumptuous but a picnic is not. Or make it a “bet” that you’re destined to lose.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Unless you are in the South or on the West Coast, it’s getting too cold to be picnicking.

          • PhlyyPhree

            INDOOR picnic. Girls love indoor picnics. They’re….different and artsy and “ooohh he’s trying to impress me with his expensive 4 grilled cheese sandwich”

            • miss t-lee

              you typed this before I could…lol

              • PhlyyPhree

                LOL. I’m saying.
                Come to your crib to eat dinner? Nah bruh. You tryna get my booty.
                Come to your crib and eat an indoor picnic? Instant panties because you’re different and unique and not like those other guys who don’t get that I’m different and unique and not like the rest of these girls.

                • #Factual

                • LadyIbaka

                  I hate picnic food. Usually Sammiches that make doves cry, so I’d decline that date because of the quality of food.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              The girls I know would have given me the Arnold “What chu talking bout Willis” face at the notion of an indoor picnic.

              My cheap date goto was watching the airplanes land at dusk with desert on the menu.

      • Medium Meech

        I’m not sure what you mean by draw the line. If a guy invites you to his place or goes to your place it’s done with the clear intention that moving to the bedroom as an possibility, but I don’t think it’s an assumption that it will happen or an obligation to do so. But guys hold out that possibility for every kind of date, at home the logistics are just easier but your prerogative should be just the same.

      • AlwaysCC

        there are so many free activities that a good (and inexpensive) date shouldn’t be that hard. you just gotta think out of the box. quite frankly, i’d respect someone who is low on funds who suggests doing something different (and inexpensive) so that we can have a good time more than someone who just throws in the towel and avoids my phone calls until the next paycheck.

      • GLAMCAM

        So, I think Netflix and chill is for the youngins. It is basically the equivalent to “let me put the tip in.” Ain’t nobody got time for that at 30+.

        • miss t-lee

          LOL!!!!!!
          It’s basically a new name for the okey doke.

          • Andie

            I’m glad the youngins have a name for it. I feel like When I was 20 nobody took me aside and told me what to expect when someone wanted to watch a movie at home with you.

            • Yeah, that surprised me as well. I should’ve figured it out when I told dude I only owned like 4 DVDs and he said, Eh, that’s fine. But I was naive.

              • Andie

                I was REALLY REALLY REALLY naive in my twenties

            • miss t-lee

              I mean…I don’t think we needed a name for it…lol

          • GLAMCAM

            Yas! I’m always preaching about getting fooled with the okie doke. Wise up!

      • LadyIbaka

        Just be a straight shooter. “You tryna faq me by inviting me over for dinner or trying to get to know me?”

  • Medium Meech

    Tangent: Should I assume that all girls snoop and e-stalk? Question 1 makes me think. I mean I’m a trusting dude that will just hand over my phone to a girl and assume the texts will remain unread or let her use my computer while I’m out and assume my browser history wont be checked on. Or that if I give a girl my last name she wont run the equivalent of an FBI background check.

    • San

      Yes, yes we do.

    • I will e-stalk (though I don’t check phones or browser histories), but that’s because I need to know who I’m having drinks with or who I’m having a meal with. Some strategic Googles recently made it so that I cut off contact with a dude after a couple dates because…well because.

      • Medium Meech

        So you’re saying if I left you with my phone or computer you wouldn’t snoop?

        • No. And I’m being so real here. It’s basically that I don’t want nobody snooping behind me either, so…

          • Medium Meech

            *adds Ess Tee to the big board*

            • Ha!

            • Agatha Guilluame

              Who all is on this big board?

              • Get ya man Agie

              • Medium Meech

                Don’t worry Agatha, at this rate it doesn’t look like any of my draft picks will want to sign a rookie contract.

      • Social Media is just good scouting, and public domain. Phones and inboxes that’s a bridge too far

      • cakes_and_pies

        Agreed. I am too grown to go through phones and computers.But a Google image and regular search will be had.

        • San

          Be care with those Google searches, because people can activate alerts to have notifications sent to them when someone Googles their name.

          • AlwaysCC

            i think if you feel you have to do allllll that, you probably have something to hide lol

            • San

              That and for some odd reason people just love the attention.

          • cakes_and_pies

            Good call. I hope I never date someone that vain.

      • Peaches

        Oh it’s real in these streets. I know somebody who found out a dude was a registered s e x offender AFTER she slept with him because she was too lazy to google. I’m sure that level of disgust does not wash off in the shower.

        • Reasons why you get that background check.

        • Soooo. Yo. OMG.

          That was the reason why I had to cut off contact with this dude recently. I found out after date number two with just his first name and the city he said he lived in.

          Jesus.

          • -clutches pearls-

          • Peaches

            Lordt!

            I’d rather be sitting across from somebody who was in jail for armed robbery or some ish, but that! *shudders*

            I’m glad you got your info upfront.

        • miss t-lee

          And folks wanna call you crazy for knowing this kind of info beforehand.
          Chile…

          • I could see if we said we were out here trying to find out what someone ate for breakfast 34 weeks ago but we just want to know if you’ve got a dangerous/questionable past which will adversely affect us.

            • miss t-lee

              Exactly.

          • IsitFridayyet?

            If that’s what they consider crazy, they can call me crazy all they want to but they can’t call me a fool.

            • miss t-lee

              Hallelu.

        • cakes_and_pies

          I’m all up in county clerk websites looking for arrests and court cases

          • miss t-lee

            Public records, FTW

    • Everybody e-stalks, but snooping crosses a line.

      • Medium Meech

        I’m not a big e-stalker. So are you saying that you’ve never snooped, even if you’ve been suspicious?

        • SweetReserved

          I’ve slightly snooped on a boyfriend. It was by mistake albeit, i was using his ipad for music and a strange message popped up. Saw the one message and didn’t snoop any further, just went and confronted him.

        • I’m not a big e-stalker either, but it’s nice to know info is around should you need to reference it later, which I’ve done. And it’s kinda flattering to be e-stalked, but not in a creepy way. I’ve never snooped despite being left alone with phones, laptops, etc. If I have doubts I’m in your face, not digging through your trash.

          • Medium Meech

            *Adds Sawyer to the big board*
            *Takes Sawyer off and sets up a gofundme to get Mally Mal aka Malik a Septa pass instead*

            • You keep opening that wound. Malawyer got shot down and I have not fully recovered from the heartbreak. Leave me on the big board. I’m tryna dry these tears.

              • Siante

                *Warning. I’m about to be shallow as da hayul*

                Girl, I’ve been shot down by a guy I know I’m cuter than before. I was like WTH??? he should want me? lol- It happens to the best of us & for some guys that’s part of their game lol *shakes the dust off & keeps it movin’* IJS….

                • I hear you, girl. Don’t mind my melodrama, my Shake it Off game is skrong.

                  • Siante

                    ? ? ?

          • QuirlyGirly

            Digging through trash is the stalker ish!

            If you gotta go that far then cut the relationship off

    • I do my due diligence with research. My friend’s husband does background checks for me and the rest of our friends whenever a new prospect pops up. People aren’t who they say they are, better safe than sorry.

      • AlwaysCC

        it’s nice to have friends with access to information lol background checks, traffic stops/tickets, arrests (even if you weren’t convicted) – i would need to know alladat. folx are crazy out here (or so i’ve heard)

        • My network covers a plethora of industries :-)

          • AlwaysCC

            mine, too *high fives*

        • SweetReserved

          I live in the DMV and Maryland Case search is way to easy to use and they post everything. Even if you have a ticket that has gone to claims, smh

        • PhlyyPhree

          (insert your state here) judiciary case search + go.ogle.
          That’s always a great start…or so I heard from a friend.

          • Peaches

            Oh you just gave me something to do on my lunch break :)

          • QuirlyGirly

            Oh is that how you start. I didnt even know *looks left looks right

        • Epsilonicus

          My name is too common. If my name doesn’t show up with a photo you would think I am a murderer or something

          • AlwaysCC

            i didn’t think my name was common until i googled it. both a popular stripper and a football player were the majority of the results lol in some circles my name is apparently unisex.

      • Medium Meech

        My. friend’s. husband. does. background checks. for me.
        My FRIENDS HUSBAND does background checks for me
        My friends husband does background checks… for me

        Nope, no matter how I read it that sounds crazy.

        • IsitFridayyet?

          It would be crazy if she had that resource in her arsenal and didn’t use it.

          • Thank you?! I’m too young to die at the hands of some sociopath I could’ve easily avoided.

            • Medium Meech

              I guess as I guy I don’t look at dating from an angle of fear, and I see the people most likely to pose a danger to you being the people you actually knew, not strangers so you know, male privilege. So are y’awl telling me the internet snooping girls do is strictly out of caution and not nosiness at all?

              • What’s there to be nosey about? Unless this is a blind date, wouldn’t you already know some of the more mundane or important things about this person?

                • Medium Meech

                  I ask because I was recently in a convo with girls that didn’t do background checks but say they are all up in Google and instagram and facebook just getting info about guys they meet at clubs or events. Looking at exes, whose liking what, etc… They also said ALL GIRLS snoop. Maybe bougie Chicago girls are an anomaly. Maybe they were just keeping it real. I asked to get some perspective.

                  • Oh okay. I was just getting perspective as well. I guess I’m just nosey in real life so I don’t have to be as nosey on the internet. But the things people choose to share about themselves publicly can be so telling, it seems natural for everyone to do some sort of snooping, yanno?

                  • QuirlyGirly

                    I will come clean..I snoop but only when you give me a reason too. If I ran a background check and everything comes back “clean” then I wont snoop but if during our relationship you start giving me a reason to look in to things further, then a snooping I will go.

                    Like Ruby, if I dont know you, I will run a background check on you in a min. It is too much harm that can happen to women when they are “too trusting”. Also, not everyone is on google, instagram and or facebook, so that background check is a must.

                    • Medium Meech

                      So girls running background checks is a common thing…

                    • QuirlyGirly

                      Yes! It is a must and if some girls don’t..that is fine but I say do your homework. If you get caught slipping you can end up a sad statistic.

              • I don’t know if you’re really this ignorant about the real threat of violence women face on a daily basis or if you’re saying this in jest. I can link you to hundreds or thousands of articles where women have been assaulted, robbed, etc. on first dates by complete strangers just because.

                • NomadaNare
                • Medium Meech

                  I’m not minimizing your fear, just stating my perspective. I’m fortunate enough to not have known anyone that this has happened to or even heard of it happening to a friend of a friend second hand. But if my surprise at girls running background checks is enough for you to start hurling insults I’m going to exit the conversation.

              • Epsilonicus

                It is sort of true. Most women are hurt by people the know.

              • YeaSoh

                Who cares if you have nothing to hide? Why do people feel so privileged to another persons history but then why are you so protective of it… it’s just life? experiences? So what? I don’t condone snooping but ehhh I’m not gonna SnoopShame someone either. I just don’t care that much and the things I do care about you finding – you couldn’t find on my phone… sh*t you couldn’t find them period.

        • How does it sound crazy? Background checks are $25.00 a pop. If I can get this service for free why would I pay??

          • Medium Meech

            I legitimately laughed out loud. So in your mind the issue here wasn’t the violation or how extreme the action is, but me having a problem with you not paying for the service yourself. That is extra crazy… *Adds RubyWooWho to the big board*

            • Dating is dangerous.

            • I won’t ever apologize for making sure I’m safe by getting information which is available through my state’s public records. Please.

        • miss t-lee

          Ain’t even nothing wrong with that.

        • h.h.h. Aka Scrooge McTiger

          women have to be safe. you know how males are/can be. gotta make sure he’s a safe one.

      • miss t-lee

        You got to.

    • Cleojonz

      I don’t in my personal life, but we forever google and Facebook stalk people at work. Even clients, not just the defense. We have to know the character of the person we’re dealing with.

    • PhlyyPhree

      Yea, nah. I’m so damn good with goolge and internet access that I really need to work for the government.

      • miss t-lee

        My friends have me do their searches…lol

        • PhlyyPhree

          Girl. Mine too. I can find ANYthing and I do mean ANYTHING, if it s there to be found

          • miss t-lee
          • We’re here. >< Some of my friends call me Nancy Drew for that reason.

            On a non-related tip, my BFF was telling me about something tragic that had happened with a colleague's family member the night before. She lives in the South. Why in a matter of a couple minutes I'd found the small town gazette's website and posted the link in our gchat about the very story she was telling me. All this without knowing the names of the parties involved but having the info about the circumstances.

            • AlwaysCC

              i’ve been called inspector gadget lol

              • Peaches

                <<< Scooby Doo lol

    • Agatha Guilluame

      First. Thanks. That “female” was for HHH and Rewind.

      Second. “I’m a trusting dude that will just hand over my phone to a girl and assume the texts will remain unread or let her use my computer while I’m out and assume my browser history wont be checked on.” Um…

      https://i.imgur.com/I8kq0uJ.gif

  • My Instagram is frustratingly boring for that reason, yes I’m out, yes I’m probably enjoying myself and there’s no way you can know. I could just as easily be sitting at home listening to The Internet and watching baseball on mute. You can’t know that either…. The mystery, it burns.

    An alliterationable applause Agie, because I hate when people spill secrets and get mad it’s gets out. You had something to lose and couldn’t resist how can you judge the next.

    I feel like if she doesn’t offer after a certain point then it’s clear I might be “Food” in her phone. I have no issue paying for dates but it’s principalities. But don’t fault man for out kicking his coverage, he can regain leverage if the work is given properly, assuming she gives him that opportunity. For now it’s an investment. That Xbox one can be yours my brother

    • cakes_and_pies

      The Internet-For a group that makes some smooth @$$ PBR&B, I don’t understand why they all look they smell like outside.

      • Oh they a cast of “Where my hug” characters but I dig it

  • I’d prefer she not stalk or follow my Twitter or tumblr. Last thing I want in life is to have more conversations about why I’m more emotionally open there than with you. Feel free to follow on Facebook or Instagram though.

  • QueLoQue

    Why is homie breaking his pockets the first few dates? You’re emptying the bank for a prospect.

    • I feel him. If you want a big fish, cast big bait. However, if you can’t reel it in quickly, cut your losses. Plenty of fine broke women at WalMart.

      • QueLoQue

        Nah man, you gotta have better self esteem than that. Especially the first few dates, because you’re just vibing to see if you two get along. Drinks, coffee, ice cream, street festivals, etc., just to see if you’re on the same page. Then you spend money once you know you got something.

        • You don’t want to be outplayed by a dude listed as “food”. Just assume your target got options, your job is to be option A.

          • QueLoQue

            If dude is listed as ‘food’ then that’s all he’s ever gonna be. It’s not a competition, and if she’s a woman of any quality than she’s always gonna have options. My point is why set an unsustainable standard when you don’t even know if you mesh well like that?

  • 1. Always gotta cut the ex off on social media. Nothing good comes from keeping them in those online social circles. It’s bad enough that y’all probably share mutual friends who will have pictures with him/her in it.

    2. I’ve done some wild things that my friends won’t ever know about, for reasons……I plan to carry so much ish to my grave.

    3. Stay in your financial lane. If you can’t afford to date then why you asking folks out to dinners and plays and museums and such? #Ain’tNobodyCheckingYourAccountButYou I don’t care if I’m pulling 7 figures and you’re only drawing 5. If you ask me out on the town I’m not about to dip into my pocket for a piece of lent.

  • NomadaNare

    Please free me from moderation

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