Ask Agatha: “How Do You Give Oscar-Worthy Head?” And What To Wear To Boat Parties » VSB

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Ask Agatha: “How Do You Give Oscar-Worthy Head?” And What To Wear To Boat Parties

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Misha from Richmond, VA asks:

This is a real question. And I know you sometimes answer sex questions. So I want to know…how do you give the perfect blowjob? The type of blowjob that’ll make him call out to God; the type of blowjob that’ll make him curl up on his side and take a nap afterwards; the type of blowjob that’ll linger in his mind the next day; the type of blowjob that’ll make his highlight reel. You see I’m really competitive. And my boyfriend of two years admitted during pillow talk a few months ago that an ex from a long time ago was the best head he’s ever had. And he couldn’t even say exactly why. In fact, he tried to walk back the whole thing. But it’s been at the back of my mind ever since. And now I’m determined to at least be as good, if not better. So, can you help me?  

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

I’m not here to help with bird ass, Becky ass ambitions.

What is wrong with you Misha?

Who wants to be good at giving head? Why would you want to be good at giving head?

Do you realize that the better you are at it, the more blowjobs you’ll have to give?

Do you think you can beat ghost head of Christmas past? He didn’t even stay with ghost head. All that A1 work she put in, and she’s just someone he stupidly mentions during pillow talk.

Also, what kind of pillow talk are y’all having?

No one should have to be on guard post-coital. You’re fucking with the afterglow.

Ghost head didn’t do anything special. Ghost head probably just made him feel special. Ghost head gave him eager sloppy toppy the night Obama got elected and anything was possible.  How are you ever going to compete with that? You’ve been giving him head while Trump’s been running for president. That’s never not going to be depressing.

You’ve already lost Misha.

But fine.

I’ll tell you how to give Oscar worthy head. (Although I still can’t fathom wanting to. My real advice is to always look at the penis like you’ve never seen one before and you’re slightly unnerved by it. Make him feel insecure about his shit. Make him hesitate to put it in your face. But that’s just how I’m living my life.)

Anyway, the first thing you’ll need is enthusiasm. And lots of it.

Actually you need equal parts enthusiasm and spit.

(How gross is that to write out. I’m already regretting this.)

Dry toppy is what you give when you want him to know the relationship is dead. He’ll rename you “cotton-mouth” in his contacts and stop calling.

Actually you’ll need equal parts enthusiasm, lubrication and suction.

(Trigger warning. This is going to get really graphic so the squeamish should just skip to the comments section. Go ahead. Skip this.)

Good head requires multitasking (another reason I’m against it).

Lay him on his back. Don’t let him stand. You don’t want him to ever have worry about locking his knees. So on his back it is.

Make sure you warm him up with a handy if he’s not already at attention.

A good handy uses both hands, lubed up, twisting gently in opposite directions and occasionally sliding his penis between you index and middle finger.

Once he’s at attention. This is when you lean in and with your hands still gently twisting around the shaft, you swirl your flattened tongue around the tip, then down his frenulum, then suck. Really suck. Suck. Suck. And then repeat. All the while you should be moaning for the added vibrations. And you keep this rhythm. Constantly changing it up is not the move. The best way to build on sensation is to maintain a rhythm.

Now after you done this for a while and without stopping any of it, move one hand from his shaft to his jewels. And cup them up and towards him. And then release. And repeat.

So now, while you’re swirling, licking, sucking and moaning with your mouth, you’re also stroking with your dominant hand and cupping him with your other.  All the while, you’re listening and paying attention to him. The hitches in his breathing. The small moans. How tightly he grabs your head. Make sure you make eye contact as well if he’s into that. And make sure you pretend to choke (or really choke, like I would) if he’s into that. (I’m a method actress). Once you feel like he’s peaking (his jewels will tighten up) you should then go for the straight suction. Shaft then jewels. Jewels then shaft.  Making sure to keep moaning and maybe start playing with yourself.

This straight suction section is always going to take longer than you expected but you have to power through. No stopping.

And then when he orgasms, you have to swallow. Ghost head definitely swallowed. And remember you’re competitive or whatever. And then you should get a warm towel and wipe him down. And then when you crawl into bed with him. Be the big spoon. And just as he’s dozing off. You kiss his shoulder and whisper “thank you”.

Now you’ve made the highlight reel.

And maybe, in a few years, while in bed, he’ll mention you to his wife.

Jay from Queens, NY asks:

I need an outfit for a boat ride in August. It’s basically a day party on a really nice, really big yacht and the tickets were $90 dollars all inclusive (unlimited food and drinks). It’s gonna be classy n’ shit.

Two rules. 1. Don’t wear shorts unless you’ve been committed to leg day. 2. Remember to lotion the creases between your fingers and your WHOLE foot.

And wear something like this.
boatIgnore that ugly ass belt though. And do not wear hard soled shoes. And do not roll up the bottom of your pants like an animal. The bottom of your pants should be half an inch from the tops of your shoe. And the shirt should pass the raised arms test. And notice I chose white pants for that beautiful blue shirt instead of the cream pants the model is wearing with it. Yes, they’re not both “white” pants. And make sure the pants hug your package (a little).

It’s 2016. Grow up.

Also, the only accessories you need are a watch and sunglasses. No chain. No earrings. No rings. No hat. And bring chapstick.

Go to JCrew and Cole Haan for the look.

Shirley from Dorchester, MA asks:

What’s the best-case scenario for a Trump presidency? #possiblebrightside

I’ve thought about this a lot. And our best hope for a Trump presidency is if he turns out to be a 21st century Chester A. Arthur. Now, Chester, although not well known, is considered by many historians to have been one of our best presidents. And there had been no indication that he would be a good president. You see, Chester (look him up) had been a crook his whole life. And he’d strong-armed his way into the Vice Presidency, like crooks do. And then, James Garfield, the current president, gets assassinated and just like that, this long time enforcer {see: thug} in the republican political machine becomes president.

But then a strange thing happened, as sometimes happens when one is entrusted with the weight of the highest office, Chester rose to the occasion. And he takes his job very seriously. In fact, he spent his presidency successfully fighting the same corrupt politicians he’d been in bed with, which must’ve made for some awkward pillow talk. You see, Chester knew where all the bodies were buried. And they couldn’t bullshit a bullshitter. He was basically a 19th century Frank Underwood—if Underwood had a change of heart. So that’s my best hope for a Trump presidency. That somehow the gravity of the office will make him give up his asinine ideas and put the country first. For real.

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • Niecy

    I was an Oscar contender and didn’t even know it. *shrugs* But oral on a man is easy and to the point. Now when I crossed on over to the dykeside, I needed a few times to build up my tongue strength.

    • Other_guy13

      Is that easy cuz only two people in life ever brought me to the promise land. Ijs

      • Niecy

        To me it was. But I’m a Scorpio so…

      • Jennifer

        OOOOH! I have questions, but I’m not gonna ask. Just gonna sit over here and be quiet.

        • Other_guy13

          Closed mouth don’t get fed.

          • Jennifer

            Phrasing.

            • PhlyyPhree

              He said what he said….

            • Other_guy13

              I meant what I said….

              • Jennifer

                I can’t hold it in anymore…

                How you giving all that advice downthread when you’ve only had 2 people take you to the promised land?! What sorta Rubix cube are you presenting them that makes it so hard (phrasing again, I know)?! You make it sound like you’re the Da Vince Code.

                • RaeNBow

                  QTNA

                • Other_guy13

                  I mean…I can’t help it because folks got weak jaws.

                  • Jennifer

                    Sure, that’s what it is.

    • ChokeOnThisTea

      And just when I thought we couldn’t “go there” any further…

      ???

      • Niecy

        You’re welcome.

        • ChokeOnThisTea

          Lmao!! Well, no one can ever accuse you of being dishonest or shy. Lol

        • Other_guy13

          I like the s#ck and t-massage in the c-area approach but that’s just me. It usually gets things flowing in the right direction. Okay bye

    • Julian Green

      “…I needed a few times to build up my tongue strength.”
      Giving me flashbacks to summertime 05′.

    • LMNOP

      I’ve heard, “from a friend” that lesbians give both the best head and the best advice on giving head.

      • only reason I know how to give head is because of a queer lady friend.

      • Niecy

        Yes to both of those. The best head I ever got was from my ex girlfriend. She was a bonafide kitty slayer.

    • L8Comer

      That’s funny cuz I always assumed giving a man head is so much harder and that eating puss would be way easier

      • Niecy

        The first time I gave a dude head, he came in no time. Not hard at all. Oral with a woman is an art form. It’s a task in really paying attention to your partner to see what feels good to her and what feels mind-blowingly amazing. Once you hit that amazeballs spot, keep on that love button until she’s begging you to stop.

        • L8Comer

          I could see that

  • AnswerMe
    • Other_guy13

      Come back…we need you!!!!!

      • AnswerMe

        I’m a Scorpio. Nothing more need be said.

        • Other_guy13

          In another life I suppose….smh

    • Jae Starz

      I cant stop laughing at this but I cant stop watching either. Thank god for office doors!

      • Marycherron

        <<o. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::::!!br150p:….,…

      • TMonique

        I need to ask for an office door! Stupid me for reading in an open door environment! lawd!

    • leesupreme

      Fellow scorpio and that just made this all the more funny.. This made my work day better

      • AnswerMe

        There is no explanation from us when it comes to this. Just that amazing.

  • PDL – Cape Girl Shero

    JCrew and Cole Haan won’t ever lead you wrong.

  • PhlyyPhree

    I don’t want to read this post. I don’t want to get attached to Aggie just to have her go again.
    I already have daddy/abandonment issues. Smh

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      I already saw your notebook. You took those notes down pretty fast.

      • PhlyyPhree

        ??? What notes?
        I have no idea what you’re talmbout sir. None. No really. I still have yet to read the post.

        • Epsilonicus

          There is about to be some lucky Libras out there

          • PhlyyPhree

            …..
            I want to hate you. I really do.
            As to that, all the Libras in my past have been the luckiest they’re ever going to get.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Hmmmm aight Phly…..i know better…but ok

          • PhlyyPhree

            ..

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              heheheehehe keep telling yourself that.

            • NonyaB

              This gif is hilarious! Love it.

  • (I’m a method actress) did me in.

  • Brandon Allen

    Well…

  • BmoreLikeLA

    I once heard of someone giving her man head during one of the NBA finals games. My friend said he enjoyed it.

    • miss t-lee

      Nah. I’m watching the game too…if anything it’ll be roles reversed.

      • PhlyyPhree

        YUP!

        • miss t-lee

          You heard?!

          • PhlyyPhree

            Already knew. No one had to tell me. Lol

            • miss t-lee

              *daps*

              • PhlyyPhree

                . .

    • Tyrell Holmes

      this past year’s finals???? nahhhh maybe at halftime or something

      • Brandon Allen

        For real tho. Halftime sounds optimal.

        • Tyrell Holmes

          and that’s only because the Finals were on ABC and not TNT

      • BmoreLikeLA

        He’s only a half sports fan, so he didn’t mind. And it was 4th quarter already…she said.

        • Tyrell Holmes

          hmph

    • Brandon Allen

      That sounds like nirvana. Just gotta throw in a sandwich or something for good measure.

      • I’m not trying to get dome and look at LeBron at the same time.

        • Glo

          Creating Pavlovian responses and ish.

          • That would be a disaster.

            • Glo

              It would be lowkey hilarious, though, if you couldn’t watch any of his games in public.

              • Get thrown out of Buffalo Wild Wings…

          • BmoreLikeLA

            ha!

        • Brandon Allen

          I like the idea of at halftime. After thinking about it some more. Couldn’t really enjoy either too much.

  • PinkRose

    Becoming a master is easier when it’s pretty. Ok, that’s MY perspective.

    • Niecy

      And tasty.

  • Julian Green

    I give good heed by taking such novel things such as:
    1) listening to suggestions;
    2) paying attention to body language;
    3) asking if she wants the c l i t romanced, or if she just want a savage;
    4) trying to establish beforehand what her position is on stuff involving the b u t t;
    5) not assuming what worked on one woman will work on the next;
    6) genuinely enjoy what you’re doing;
    7) have the song “Downtown” by Antwon playing somewhere in the background.

    • Jennifer

      Thank you for your service.

    • Deeds

      “not assuming what worked on one woman will work on the next;”

      Yes, this is key. Nothing more annoying then someone telling me previous women liked that. Like ughh, I’m not the previous woman.

      • miss t-lee

        Yes. This gospel.

    • Proverbs31WIFE!

      No background songs needed. I’ll provide the music per excitement.

      • Prince’s ‘Diamonds and Pearls.’ Thank me later.

        • Proverbs31WIFE!

          no.

    • re #3: there are women who don’t?

      • Julian Green

        When I was 19, I ran into a girl who was not about the tenderness. No slow buildup, no butterfly kisses, just get down on it and suck like it’s my first night in Hollywood.

        • Oh no… I hope you know by now to steer clear of those types…

  • miss t-lee

    Cliff notes version:
    1. Lotta saliva
    2. Enthusiasm
    3. Hands
    4. More enthusiasm
    5. Eye contact
    6. Uvula training

    Enjoy!

    • Tyrell Holmes

      don’t forget to add the moans in there

      • miss t-lee

        That’s a given, mayne.

        • Tyrell Holmes

          u would think….

          • miss t-lee

            So sorry…lol

          • miss t-lee

            My condolences.

          • Jennifer

            Complete silence? Weird…

            • Tyrell Holmes

              Exactly

      • It can be over done, though. Nobody likes a bad actress.

    • ChokeOnThisTea

      7. Suction

      • miss t-lee

        Also a given…lol
        They don’t call it a job for nothing.

    • Let me add..

      7.Elimination of gag reflex

      NOOOOOOW enjoy!

      • miss t-lee

        Nah. I need my gag reflex.
        Some folks like that noise…or I might have read that somewhere.
        *giggling*

        • You see, the sound of someone about to vomit never really did it for me.

          • PhlyyPhree

            I’ve found it’s not really the sound, it’s that sensation of the throat spasming when she feels like she’s about to vomit.

            • miss t-lee

              Bingo.

            • The throat is a muscle like the vagina…..you can contract and release both voluntarily or so I heard.

              Bae was working out of town and somehow an instructional video made its way to his phone. I don’t know how I ended up with flowers the next day.

          • miss t-lee

            Read that other comment down below…yeah that one.

        • *giggle*

          Well, “somebody’s” husband is hung like a horse so the gag reflex elimination was mandatory…Or I least I heard.

          • miss t-lee

            Everybody ain’t able…lol

      • Sometimes you’re not ready and he gets excited and reacts by grabbing your head and goes just a lil further than you expected and that gag reflex is a dirty mufuggin traitor and you almost throw up on the mic. Eyes start watering and you just try to breathe through your nose which is nearly impossible after almost vomiting. I mean, I heard that from a friend, too. Also, sometimes your dumbazz ends up in the ER with horrific abdominal pain and you finally figure out the common denominator is that swallowing is apparently the damb devil to your GI tract if you have an allergy so it becomes off the table. Um, that same friend also told me that.

        • Well…lol

          • Sometimes these forays into trying to do the most teach us to reign in it. All I’m sayin. hahahahaha

        • TheCollinB

          Welp

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Ma’am.

      You’ve curved me enough times.

      Not this time.

      • miss t-lee

        Sir…

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Ugh she did it again.

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