Ask Agatha, Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured

Ask Agatha: “How Do You Give Oscar-Worthy Head?” And What To Wear To Boat Parties

Misha from Richmond, VA asks:

This is a real question. And I know you sometimes answer sex questions. So I want to know…how do you give the perfect blowjob? The type of blowjob that’ll make him call out to God; the type of blowjob that’ll make him curl up on his side and take a nap afterwards; the type of blowjob that’ll linger in his mind the next day; the type of blowjob that’ll make his highlight reel. You see I’m really competitive. And my boyfriend of two years admitted during pillow talk a few months ago that an ex from a long time ago was the best head he’s ever had. And he couldn’t even say exactly why. In fact, he tried to walk back the whole thing. But it’s been at the back of my mind ever since. And now I’m determined to at least be as good, if not better. So, can you help me?  

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

I’m not here to help with bird ass, Becky ass ambitions.

What is wrong with you Misha?

Who wants to be good at giving head? Why would you want to be good at giving head?

Do you realize that the better you are at it, the more blowjobs you’ll have to give?

Do you think you can beat ghost head of Christmas past? He didn’t even stay with ghost head. All that A1 work she put in, and she’s just someone he stupidly mentions during pillow talk.

Also, what kind of pillow talk are y’all having?

No one should have to be on guard post-coital. You’re fucking with the afterglow.

Ghost head didn’t do anything special. Ghost head probably just made him feel special. Ghost head gave him eager sloppy toppy the night Obama got elected and anything was possible.  How are you ever going to compete with that? You’ve been giving him head while Trump’s been running for president. That’s never not going to be depressing.

You’ve already lost Misha.

But fine.

I’ll tell you how to give Oscar worthy head. (Although I still can’t fathom wanting to. My real advice is to always look at the penis like you’ve never seen one before and you’re slightly unnerved by it. Make him feel insecure about his shit. Make him hesitate to put it in your face. But that’s just how I’m living my life.)

Anyway, the first thing you’ll need is enthusiasm. And lots of it.

Actually you need equal parts enthusiasm and spit.

(How gross is that to write out. I’m already regretting this.)

Dry toppy is what you give when you want him to know the relationship is dead. He’ll rename you “cotton-mouth” in his contacts and stop calling.

Actually you’ll need equal parts enthusiasm, lubrication and suction.

(Trigger warning. This is going to get really graphic so the squeamish should just skip to the comments section. Go ahead. Skip this.)

Good head requires multitasking (another reason I’m against it).

Lay him on his back. Don’t let him stand. You don’t want him to ever have worry about locking his knees. So on his back it is.

Make sure you warm him up with a handy if he’s not already at attention.

A good handy uses both hands, lubed up, twisting gently in opposite directions and occasionally sliding his penis between you index and middle finger.

Once he’s at attention. This is when you lean in and with your hands still gently twisting around the shaft, you swirl your flattened tongue around the tip, then down his frenulum, then suck. Really suck. Suck. Suck. And then repeat. All the while you should be moaning for the added vibrations. And you keep this rhythm. Constantly changing it up is not the move. The best way to build on sensation is to maintain a rhythm.

Now after you done this for a while and without stopping any of it, move one hand from his shaft to his jewels. And cup them up and towards him. And then release. And repeat.

So now, while you’re swirling, licking, sucking and moaning with your mouth, you’re also stroking with your dominant hand and cupping him with your other.  All the while, you’re listening and paying attention to him. The hitches in his breathing. The small moans. How tightly he grabs your head. Make sure you make eye contact as well if he’s into that. And make sure you pretend to choke (or really choke, like I would) if he’s into that. (I’m a method actress). Once you feel like he’s peaking (his jewels will tighten up) you should then go for the straight suction. Shaft then jewels. Jewels then shaft.  Making sure to keep moaning and maybe start playing with yourself.

This straight suction section is always going to take longer than you expected but you have to power through. No stopping.

And then when he orgasms, you have to swallow. Ghost head definitely swallowed. And remember you’re competitive or whatever. And then you should get a warm towel and wipe him down. And then when you crawl into bed with him. Be the big spoon. And just as he’s dozing off. You kiss his shoulder and whisper “thank you”.

Now you’ve made the highlight reel.

And maybe, in a few years, while in bed, he’ll mention you to his wife.

Jay from Queens, NY asks:

I need an outfit for a boat ride in August. It’s basically a day party on a really nice, really big yacht and the tickets were $90 dollars all inclusive (unlimited food and drinks). It’s gonna be classy n’ shit.

Two rules. 1. Don’t wear shorts unless you’ve been committed to leg day. 2. Remember to lotion the creases between your fingers and your WHOLE foot.

And wear something like this.
boatIgnore that ugly ass belt though. And do not wear hard soled shoes. And do not roll up the bottom of your pants like an animal. The bottom of your pants should be half an inch from the tops of your shoe. And the shirt should pass the raised arms test. And notice I chose white pants for that beautiful blue shirt instead of the cream pants the model is wearing with it. Yes, they’re not both “white” pants. And make sure the pants hug your package (a little).

It’s 2016. Grow up.

Also, the only accessories you need are a watch and sunglasses. No chain. No earrings. No rings. No hat. And bring chapstick.

Go to JCrew and Cole Haan for the look.

Shirley from Dorchester, MA asks:

What’s the best-case scenario for a Trump presidency? #possiblebrightside

I’ve thought about this a lot. And our best hope for a Trump presidency is if he turns out to be a 21st century Chester A. Arthur. Now, Chester, although not well known, is considered by many historians to have been one of our best presidents. And there had been no indication that he would be a good president. You see, Chester (look him up) had been a crook his whole life. And he’d strong-armed his way into the Vice Presidency, like crooks do. And then, James Garfield, the current president, gets assassinated and just like that, this long time enforcer {see: thug} in the republican political machine becomes president.

But then a strange thing happened, as sometimes happens when one is entrusted with the weight of the highest office, Chester rose to the occasion. And he takes his job very seriously. In fact, he spent his presidency successfully fighting the same corrupt politicians he’d been in bed with, which must’ve made for some awkward pillow talk. You see, Chester knew where all the bodies were buried. And they couldn’t bullshit a bullshitter. He was basically a 19th century Frank Underwood—if Underwood had a change of heart. So that’s my best hope for a Trump presidency. That somehow the gravity of the office will make him give up his asinine ideas and put the country first. For real.

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • Other_guy13

    This gone get interesting

  • Sigma_Since 93

    If this is you get down in real life girl…………………..

  • miss t-lee

    Wouldn’t Oscar worthy head be a fake performance?
    *snickering*
    Now, AVN head would be the aspiration.

    • Jennifer

      *sigh* Can’t we just give an Independent Spirit Award worthy performance?

      • miss t-lee

        Nobody even knows when those are given out.

        • Jennifer

          Exactly!

          • orchid921

            The night before the Oscars. You’re welcome. ;)

  • Jennifer

    Sorry. I have to use this GIF again today cuz…

  • Kat

    Oh..okay. I just stopped reading cause life said so. I mean like big life said don’t take this in. And it’s not cause I’m anti penne pasta or anything like that but…yea.

    So many things to aspire to be the best at….and you choose super head.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      I had to do it….let your sister’s be gggrrreeeaaatt!

    • PhlyyPhree

      Look here. Super head is super.
      I respect her using her skills to get to where she wanted to go.

  • PinkRose

    Maybe this wasn’t the post to read before I meet my SO for a late lunch………….or maybe it was?

    • Other_guy13

      It’s time to win that oscar…I believe in you

      • PinkRose

        Yeah but HE needs to be able to finish out his work day, LOL!!

        • Brass Tacks

          No he doesnt

  • Tyrell Holmes

    Is Agatha free this weekend? (asking for a friend)

    • brothaskeeper
      • Tyrell Holmes

        Gotta shoot your shot

  • Other_guy13

    Umm….I would just like to say bless you Agatha. You are a God send for this post. Also for those of you who want to take the lazy route. Get some numbing spray for tho use of you with gag reflexes and some good head.
    A. Your gag reflex is now no longer an issue
    B. The extra saliva you will produce will do wonders for him
    C. If it taste like a cherry lollipop you will treat it like a cherry lollipop. Just don’t bite it to get to the a enter like a tootsie pop.

    May you’re jaws be strong and mouth be wet. Go out there and GET THAT OSCAR!!!!

    • QueenRaven23

      Listen……

    • Jennifer

      Sir.

      • Other_guy13

        I just want the people to be great.

        • Jennifer

          Sure you do.

          • Other_guy13

            I am jus a vessel.

            • Junegirl627

              i’m dead.
              but at the same time excited (shorty about to go get her husband!)

    • no words

    • BmoreLikeLA

      apparently, holding your right hand in a fist with the thumb tucked in will help with gagging.

      And now I’m done with the thread

      • Glo

        It’s true (so I learned from a friend).

      • I’ve tried that and it didn’t help me

        • Glo

          It might be the placebo effect, but it did help.

    • OR use caramel to cut the saltiness, it feels like heaven. At least thats what a friend told me.

      • PhlyyPhree

        Honey. Just a little not a lot.
        Thick flavor coats everything and the effort it takes to remove the honey with no hands…..

        Definitely honey.

        • **Jots down honey**, for a friend you know.

          • Other_guy13

            **puts honey on bae grocery list*

        • Other_guy13

          I love learning all these new things.

          • PhlyyPhree

            . .

        • Glo

          This is useful info, so thank you.

          • PhlyyPhree

            I’m here for the people.

      • Islandpiratequeen

        Chocolate sauce too. A friend informed me it’s the best kind of mess. The amount of suckin and lickin it takes to get rid of all that sticky mess. Gives the word sloppy new depth…. so says my friend.

    • Mika

      I feel like I shouldn’t be reading any of this, but I am going to continue reading all of this because, yea.

      • PhlyyPhree

        You never know when you might have to share this info with “a friend”

      • Other_guy13

        Read…take notes…and prepare for the test on Friday…that is all

    • Glo

      I think combining numbing spray with sexy time is generally a bad idea. Sometimes it works out, but the risks aren’t worth it.

      • Mika

        Where does one find this spray? Like I feel like that is too many things to remember.

        • Chloraseptic spray, cuz a friend told me

          • Mika

            bwahahhaha that ish burns. Cause a friend told me too. Not bout that life. Just watch some flicks for good pointers. *goes back to work*.

          • Glo

            Hahahaha, I love that everyone is commenting here with tips “from a friend.”

            • catgee12

              Friends sharing is caring ….

          • Junegirl627

            Choraseptic…. taking a 15 minute break to cvs….

            • get the cherry kind… or get some honey or caramel.

      • Proverbs31WIFE!

        What is a numbing spray? What is it numbing? His dyck?

      • Other_guy13

        It worked the one time it was used…I was so proud of her.

      • I was just thinking that.

    • Junegirl627

      numbing spray? you mean orajel? This is a thing?

      Harpo who dis woman been giving you head?

      Let me shut up… got me telling on myself. ;)

      • Other_guy13

        Hello there…wait…Nevermind. Yes it’s a thing. Everybody can’t hang

        • Junegirl627

          I’m happy cuz it makes my job eadier

    • Mizwest

      I prefer the gel that u get at passion parties…said a friend.

      • Other_guy13

        No comment

        • Mizwest

          So, we’re not gonna have a meaningful conversation about this….lol. J/k, I admire your restraint.

          • Other_guy13

            I need my lawyer before I discuss this. I will need diplomatic immunity for my cooperation.

            • Mizwest

              Lol, fair enough

    • LMNOP

      How does that numbing spray feel on the head recipient though?

      • Other_guy13

        Didn’t bother me one bit

    • L8Comer

      “Get some numbing spray for tho use of you with gag reflexes and some good head.” Won’t this make your dyck tip numb too?

      • Other_guy13

        Nope…trust me on this

        • L8Comer

          hmmm, I need my gag reflex… i feel like guys like it when u choke on their d lol

          • Other_guy13

            I…I mean…we do

  • Mizwest

    So…I want to go there…but maybe this isn’t the correct forum to “go there”.

    • Other_guy13

      Please. Do it for me

      • Mizwest

        Shut your face

        • Other_guy13

          I’m just saying

          • Mizwest

            I’m not trying to be a legend, but I would like to get better at the craft (not much experience here). So I’m interested in any pointers or advice.

            • 1. Use your toothbrush to work on suppressing your gag reflex. Pretty soon you will be brushing the back of your tongue without feeling like you have to throw up on it.
              2. Don’t neglect the balls but be gentle with them. They’re so sensitive.
              3. Drink water prior to if you can. You’ll need to be well hydrated since you’ll be using lots of spit.

              • Mizwest

                Noted…Thank you!!!

            • Sigma_Since 93

              You were put on the earth to be legendary!

              Average is being at the top of the bottom……………

              • Mizwest

                Thanks for the pep talk Sig, I’ll work on that……lol

            • Other_guy13

              Well…seems like it’s time to get to work…alls you gotta do is *computer shuts off*

    • ChokeOnThisTea

      I mean….this forum already “went there” so might as well. Lol

    • Niecy

      We’re all adults here. Let your freaky-deaky flag fly!!

      • Mizwest

        LOL, When I think of amazing head I think of that video with the grapefruit, I wanna know does that work? (asking for a friend of course)

        • Tyrell Holmes

          had it done to me twice….feels amazing!!! but uhhhhh just go by exactly what the lady did on the video and you (or your friend) should be able to pull it off

          • Mizwest

            Thanks!

    • PhlyyPhree

      No place better than “here” to go “there”….

    • miss t-lee

      Oh, but it is.

  • QueenRaven23

    Ummmm, actually….

    Nvm lol

    • Other_guy13

      Say it!!!!

More Like This