Ask Agatha: “Help! I’m Dating A One Minute Man!” And Why You Should Never Date A DJ
Laila from Pittsburgh, PA asks:
I love him but the sex is trash. Since we stopped using condoms, he’s done before I even settle on the bed properly. And he’s usually rearing to go again pretty quickly but he doesn’t last much longer the second time either. This can’t be life. Miss Agatha, help me before all this festering resentment makes me tell him to “shut the fuck up” the next time he asks a simple question.
A former VSS once told me, you only get to be new pussy twice in the relationship. The first time you have sex and the first time you have sex without a condom. But your dilemma makes me realize that as nice as condom free sex is to us women, it must be triply so to men (and one of these days I’d like a man with eloquence enough to do it, to describe what that feels like) because it seems to cut every man’s staying power down by ½ of ½ of ½ of how long they were able to last with a condom on.
It’s like the world’s worst magic trick.
It’s like the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
It’s like having one bite of pizza.
And yet there must be millions of women being forced to have one bite of pizza. And then they get up and go eat a pint of ice cream. Because they’re HUNGRY! and angry and dissatisfied. And ice cream helps.
And then they get fat.
And then their man gets an attitude but still wants to keep having sex because pizza is fucking amazing (when you can eat your fill).
And I guess maybe you should talk to him but what’re you going to say? Stamina isn’t something you can just work on. I mean he could’ve, if he’d devoted all those masturbatory hours during his misspent youth to lasting as long as possible but sadly no man is thinking long term, at the age of 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 in the throes of self-flagellation.
And you could insist on more foreplay but that won’t stop you from wanting more from the act itself.
So you’re just going to have to buy a cock ring.
Don’t worry. He’ll wear it.
Yuri from San Diego, CA asks:
A lot of actors have taken on the role of Batman over the years, who do you think has done the best job? If you had to choose. Or do you think it’s too soon to say since Ben Affleck’s performance will likely be a contender.
Tommy Davidson should play Sammy Davis Jr. in any biopic about Sammy Davis Jr. but Tommy Davidson has been playing Sammy Davis Jr. for laughs for so long that no one will ever take Tommy Davidson seriously in any biopic about Sammy Davis Jr. This is how I felt about Will Arnett playing Batman. And yet, Will Arnett’s Batman in the Lego Movie was the best Batman yet because how else are you supposed to play the idea of a man in a catsuit and a cape fighting crime? Pure camp, that’s how. And the only performance that might be better than Arnett’s performance in the Lego Movie might be Arnett’s performance in the Lego Movie 2. Because I’m sure everything will be awesome.
So, Ben Affleck? Pshaw.
And I know you’re probably dissatisfied with my answer but Yuri this isn’t a Reddit Forum. I was never going to say what you wanted me to say. Nothing in me wants to discuss whether or not Christian Bale’s performance was nuanced enough. Sure he mumbled through about 7 ½ hours of film but he also has a mouth that says, “I was a thumb sucker well into adulthood” so can we really blame him?
A better question would’ve been, who raised Batman? Easily answered but the answer just leads to more questions.
Did Bruce Wayne’s parents really leave Alfred the Butler as Bruce’s guardian and Alfred REMAINED the butler? So for a time he was the wealthiest man in Gotham and yet he still spends his days making tea and alibis? Even Karrueche Tran started her own line of knit caps. I mean are we saying Alfred is so class conscious that he still probably sleeps in the maid’s quarters off the kitchen so as not to appear too ambitious? That’s like Cinderella insisting on keeping her scullery duties after marrying the prince. How weird must that all have been for Bruce Wayne, losing your parents and having your guardian still insisting on calling you Mr. Wayne.
Derrick from Fayetteville, NC asks
You’re always giving dating advice but why are you still single?
I got my heart broken and it’s been slow to mend.
Rasheeda from Queens, NY asks:
I was in the car with three of my guy friends last Saturday and I think they had an argument but it was so strange. I’d been napping and I woke up to this:
Friend A: Done it.
Friend B: So done it then.
Friend A: Then done it.
Friend B: It’s done.
Friend A: Then done it then.
Friend C: Chill.
Friend A & B: It’s done.
And then one of them turned up the music and then we got Wendy’s. And I asked “what was all that about” and I got shrugs all around. So, what do you think that was about Agie?
Does it matter? It’s done.
But if I had to hazard a guess, I’d have to assume it was about having the last word. The male animal is incredibly willing to expend energy on the pettiest of things.
And if I wanted to let my imagination run wild, I’d venture to say if Friend C hadn’t stepped in, someone would’ve died.
Men are so irrational.
Debra from Philadelphia, PA asks:
A few weeks ago my friends dragged me to a trendy new bar and I had a great time. I even met someone. He’s attractive, funny, and really knowledgeable about music (he’s a DJ). But he’s also 15 years younger than me. We’ve hooked up quite a few times because why not. But now he’s talking about giving it a real go. I’m hesitant though because of the age gap. Do you think we have a chance?
No, but not because you were in college when he was in Kindergarten but because he’s a DJ. It’s patently impossible to have a relationship or even a conversation with a man who makes beats as a thing.
I’ve never met a DJ who wasn’t ridiculous.
They all have dreams of owning a nightclub.
And they all have business degrees (Jesus wept) so they think they’ve got the secret formula to do so. And guess what? They don’t—because an overly detailed business plan is not a secret formula. But their passion is infectious and soon they’ll be hitting you up to make a large investment.
And you will.
And they’ll spend it on amps and equipment and they’ll tell you first they have to get this mix-tape out. Because surprise! They’re secretly an aspiring rapper.
Oh you didn’t know?
Well Debra, DJ is code for aspiring rapper.
Deejaying isn’t their bottom, like it would be for the rest of us adults. It’s how they pay the bills. And it’s actually lucrative. Their rap career though, won’t be.
And now Debra, you’ll be a woman of a certain age dating an aspiring rapper.
And the longer you’re with him, the harder it’ll be to see he doesn’t have any talent. And eventually you’ll find yourself trading in your Mercedes for a minivan in order to be able to carry his equipment around. And you won’t club with him but you’ll pick him up at the end of the night. And now you’re a roadie.
Now you’re a roadie. Driving a minivan. Dating an aspiring rapper.
So why not just fuck and tell him one of the benefits of dating an older woman is that it can just be that. And it will be just that.
***If you have any questions for Agatha, email her at firstname.lastname@example.org with Ask Agatha as the heading***