Ask Agatha: “Help! I’m A Black Woman Who Struggles Making Friends With Black Women!” » VSB

Ask Agatha, Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured

Ask Agatha: “Help! I’m A Black Woman Who Struggles Making Friends With Black Women!”

Jamal from Baltimore, MD asks:

My girlfriend of 10 years recently confessed to having a one-night stand while on a girl’s trip late last year. She said it’d been weighing on her and she had to get it off her chest. From almost the first she’s been my best friend. From almost the first I’ve loved her. But I can’t lie, her confession shook me to the core and now I’m questioning whether or not she’s the one despite all of our history. Help me Miss Agatha.

How are you with her 10 years and you’re not sure if she’s the one? At best you got about 70 years on this planet and you just gave up 10 of it scratching your ass. There’s indecisiveness and then there’s fuckery. This the latter.

Let’s look at the timeline:

Since you’ve loved her almost from the first let’s assume you fell in love with her 9 years and 9 months ago.

And her panties probably started showing up in your laundry 9 years and 7 months ago. Not that you minded at all. Instead, you’d just wash and (try to) fold them and tuck them in a corner of your underwear drawer.

And 9 years and 5 months ago, at the family cookout, her dad gave you the “nigga I guess” nod. Which is the best you can hope for from a man who used to have a rat-tail.

9 years and 3 months ago she dropped you off at a job interview and she took the gum right out of her mouth and passed it to you because your breath stank. And you took it and popped it into your own mouth.

9 years and 2 months ago, you made her the emergency contact at your new job even though your mama live right up the street from you and knows your blood type.

9 years and 1 month ago y’all skipped the holidays with the family and went on an island vacation instead and managed not to kill each other.

9 years and 2 weeks ago she picked up your cellphone off the coffee table to call her best friend and you asked her to go to the bedroom with it, since you were trying to watch the game.

9 years ago exactly, a play fight and some shit talking turned into a real fight and she ended up telling you your mama’s food was always under seasoned and at some point you told her, her head game was wack because ain’t nobody gonna talk about your mama and then 45 tensely silent minutes later she told you dinner was ready and you went and made a plate and y’all sat on the couch and ate and watched The Wire.

So everything you needed to know Jamal, you knew that first year. And that’s it. There’s nothing else to it. There are no other things. That’s the whole checklist. She it bruh.

Maybe because it happened too quickly or because everything between you two felt too easy but there’s no gotcha gotcha.

There’s no catch.

It’s like you bought the outfit and got your receipt but you’re still wandering the store, not even browsing…not even looking for the exit. You’re just wandering the store. Holding a shopping bag.

But honey we’re done here.

So regarding the one-night stand? I say chalk it up to the game and move on. Don’t use a drunken one-off as an indicator of whether or not she’s your person.

She may not have been faithful but she’s patient and that patient patient idiot is clearly the one.

In fact I think you owe her an apology for taking so long to realize it.

Lorelei from West Orange, NJ asks:

I’m a black girl that finds it hard to connect with other black girls. I went to a mostly white prep school and then a PWI and all my close girlfriends have always been white. But now I work at a company with a number of cool, fashionable (sometimes loud) black chicks and they’re all friends it seems and I’m envious. How do I get in?

If the barrier to entry for that social club is being black and female and working at your job then you’re already in ma.

Stop being awkward and go say “hi.” I promise you black women are people too. And as a black woman, you should already know that.

Arianna from Houston, TX asks:

Are white girls that sleep with black guys but don’t see it for black chicks racist?

Yes but so are the black guys that are into those types of chicks. Either way it’s none of your business.

David from Harlem, NY asks:

I’m 35 and I’m back in the job market after having worked as a business analyst for 7 years. I would love to work for a startup but I’m not having the best of luck, any tips?

Two things:

1.cOverhaul your resume and your cover letter.

2. Get a recruiter.

One recurring theme of every bad resume I’ve seen over the years is too much corporatespeak.

Years ago my friend and mentor at the time put me onto the Human Voice resume, an idea promulgated by Liz Ryan, a noted career development and human resources specialist.

The idea is simple. Ditch the boilerplate.

And if you’ve been out of the game 7 years I can guarantee your resume is chuck full of sentence fragments with phrases like:

results-oriented professional

jack of all trades

superior communication skills

end-to-end solutions

strategic, self-motivated, goal-oriented

led cross-functional teams to excellence

But what does any of that even mean? Who talks like that? Especially about themselves.

You don’t talk like that at work. You don’t talk like that over the phone. You don’t talk like that via email. And you certainly don’t talk like that in the job interview. So why the fuck are you talking like that in your resume, as if eventually an honest to God person isn’t going to have to parse through it?

Most people aren’t even sure what their resume says because even they don’t want to read it but they expect a hiring manager to.

In this article Liz asks,

How do you talk at work? You sound like yourself. How do you sound on the phone, and how do you sound in email messages to suppliers and customers? You don’t write ‘pursuant to your memorandum of the 17th, I enclose herewith a response to your query,’ do you?

So ditch the boilerplate and tell these hiring managers a story. Use full sentences. Use the word “I”. And show, don’t tell.

So instead of telling them you’re a results-oriented professional, show them by spelling out your accomplishments.

“I came up through IT support while pursuing my degree in Business Economics. I’m the geek who stays up all night analyzing the data models. When our largest client found reporting inaccuracies in their monthly reports, I helped design and implement the automation of their internal reporting which helped improve reporting accuracies by 90%.”

So get rid of the bullets and the boilerplate and speak with a human voice.

And then reach out to a few local recruiters.

Oh, and if possible, be a white person. That always helps too.

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • Breezy

    “9 years and 2 weeks ago she picked up your cellphone off the coffee
    table to call her best friend and you asked her to go to the bedroom
    with it, since you were trying to watch the game.”

    BOL! You won’t let this go. SMH.

    Agatha, one of these days you’re going to find a man who will allow you to do this. But last I checked…for you in particular… this poor man hasn’t been assembled yet. He’s still in the factory in Indonesia being tested on his ability to have a willing spirit, his nail bed to skin ratios and his jawbone structure among other things. But stay the course because One.Of.These.Days. FedEx will deliver him.

    • camilleblu

      BOL! You won’t let this go. SMH <——- she will NEVA-EVA let that go.

      • Breezy

        It’s a crying shame man. Forever living on a loop of gotchas and screenshots.

        • camilleblu

          *screenshots for posterity*

          • Breezy

            What’s that saying again…oh yeah Birds of a feather and whatnot. *insert perplexed dog emoji here*

            • camilleblu

              *sigh*…i was trying to make a funny -_-

              • Breezy

                *sigh* Me too..*see* Ha Ha Ha Ha…no?

            • Lea Thrace

              *caw caw*

              • Breezy

                LOL!

      • kia

        what wont she let go? i’m new here

    • PhlyyPhree

      LOL!! I chuckled at that, but I feel like I’m missing something there… Someone tell meeeee.

      • Breezy

        Phlyy…man you have no earthly idea. NONE. I will leave the floor open for Agatha to discuss if she so desires.

        • PhlyyPhree

          What? NAWL! Don’t do me that way. We been in these comment streets together toooooo long. Don’t leave me out in the cold!

          • Breezy

            Nah, Agatha has to tell the tale. You must hear her pain about men and their cell phones directly from her. Trust me.

            • PhlyyPhree

              Agggiiieeeeeeeeeee.. Tell me like Groove Theory! Pleeease!

              • upvote for groove theory

    • Agatha Guilluame

      *Screams*

    • Lea Thrace

      dang Breezy. no vaseline.

      • Breezy

        NONE! Just BAM right in the kisser.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      I foolishly did this at the beginning of my relationship. Still hearing about it 7 year later.

      • Breezy

        I am sure you are :)

  • PhlyyPhree

    Jamal,
    Let’s be real here. You’re only questioning your relationship because you always thought YOU would be the one who got to “slip up” first and now you don’t know how to handle it. You had all the proper responses queued about how “that girl didn’t mean anything” and “it was just a one time thing”, and you were ready for your girl to have a two week span where she dressed like a hoe and acted like she was out clubbing with her girls every night, but really in a corner thinking of you.
    But she beat you to the punch. So now, you just need to suck it up and keep it moving. It’s been 10 years. You can’t win if you get back in the game, so you might as well stay put. Besides, no one else is going to NOT judge your glee over Bath & Body Works 3 wick candles.

    Lorelei,
    Don’t show fear. Black girls, can spot fear a mile away. And we’ll drink it like white tears to sustain our Black Girl Magic. But, since you are also a Black Girl, just throw out an insincere “Those shoes are cute” and we’ll invite you to sit at our table. Promise

    David,
    Definitely be a white person. But with a name like David? Unless your last name is Jenkins, Freeman or Ramirez, you should at least get your foot in the door.
    Also,
    pick 1-3 positions that you REALLY like and focus on those instead of crafting a generic mass resume that you spam positions with. A lot of times, your resume is being screened by software first, so make sure that something in your resume/cover letter speaks to the specific position you’re applying for AND describes how you can specifically help them with a problem they SPECIFICALLY listed in the job description.
    Also, spell check. It is 2016. No reason whatsoever to not have everything spelled correctly

    • Junegirl627

      “Besides, no one else is going to NOT judge your glee over Bath & Body Works 3 wick candles.”

      This is definitely one of the top 10 best lines I’ve read on this site. All praise and Glory to your ability to paint a picture with deceptively simple phrase!! Also very true and Jamal should listen to you.

    • TheCollinB

      “You can’t win if you get back in the game, so you might as well stay put.”
      …..that’s where ya wrong (c)Hov
      The worst thing women do in relationships is make n*ggas feel like they ain’t got the juice no more. 10 years in you get seasoned and the right eyes will notice that. He may not be able to do anything for the under 23 crowd but put that man out there with a little confidence and the right taper on his pants and watch him cook.

      • PhlyyPhree

        WRONG!
        First of all, she stayed for TEN WHOLE YEARS. She was one year away from being Mary J and being his lover and his secretary.
        She gave that man all the juice. Literally and figuratively.
        Secondly, he could probably do a lot for someone because he’s already been broken in and well trained in the art of relationships, however HE CANT GET BACK IN THE GAME. After 10 years, he doesn’t know the etiquette of Tinder and POF. He doesn’t know if he’s still allowed to buy women drinks in the club or if they’re even cis-women in the club.
        He doesn’t want the whole “update your wardrobe, get a lineup every friday, make sure your boxers don’t have holes” headache. So he’s going to sit down, shut up and not say anything when she switches the channel from First Take.

        • TheCollinB

          Mmmmmionknow Phree. Maybe a dude that never had it would resign to being a lame but I can’t see ten years deciding I’m just gonna sip ice water and walk it off. Understanding this guys situation I get it. Because if shorty felt like she could pull the caper at all then I am almost certain she thought he was a corn anyway. But if he has any swag left to unlock he can get back out there. It ain’t as intimidating as people make it seem. All them apps aside all he has to be able to do is look a woman in her eyes listen to what she’s saying and pick up on the vibe.

          • PhlyyPhree

            Here’s the thing:
            I’m not saying he won’t ever meet anyone else. But do you know how hard it is to condition yourself to a new relationship EVEN when you think you’re ready for a new relationship?
            Even after you think you’ve jettisoned all the baggage from your previous situation, you still hear “THAT” song and find yourself thinking of the one you left, not the one you’re with. After 10 years? TEN? No bruh. Just swallow that “everyone makes mistakes” pill, buy yourself a new subscription to BGOL and then get over it.

            • TheCollinB

              *recedes to dap*
              Solid points that can’t be refuted. 10 years is a long time and while I feel anyone can find success even with all the effgirls and effboys out here it probably would be best just to keep it moving with what they have.

            • Supreme_KoS

              first rule of Bgol….lol

          • fxd8424

            ” Because if shorty felt like she could pull the caper at all then I am almost certain she thought he was a corn anyway”
            And maybe she didn’t think he was a corn. Maybe it was just the attraction factor. Women like variety too.

            • Quirlygirly

              And we can get caught up in the moment- ie slip on some dyck

              • PoetrysTruth

                Oh no ma’am you can’t tell men that! LOL They don’t want to hear that we see some meat and just want a taste! Society has told lies for so many years about how women get ALL in they emotions about the peen. For SOME women that simply isn’t the case, but society keeps telling men that so they feel like they peen is more then it is…MEAT.

                The world is not ready to hear that a woman can be about HER sexual urges and nothing else. Nope.

                • fxd8424

                  Nope. Men don’t want to hear that. They can’t handle the truth.

              • fxd8424

                Yes we can.

            • TheCollinB

              You gotta point cause a woman in touch with her self gets less inhibited the further she’s away from her own bedroom.

          • LadyIbaka

            I agree!!!!

        • Kim

          He doesn’t want the whole “update your wardrobe, get a lineup every Friday, make sure your boxers don’t have holes” headache lmao dead. The things you turn a blind eye to in the name of love.

          • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

            Those of us who don’t have to be in the ‘game’ to naturally do these (basic) kinda things would have no problem getting back in the ‘game’. Cause it ain’t a game to us.

            In any case, regardless of whether he can get back in the game or not, he needs to look at his 10 years as an investment. Regardless of why its taken so long for him to decide, he put that time in and time is a precious thing to waste.

        • charisma_supreme

          That MJB reference!!! Lolollolol

      • I can see a bit of this. After long-term relationships, a lot of cats start feeling themselves, thinking they’ve done what it takes to hold somebody down this long so it should be no problem to modify some of those behaviors to snag another one. Unfortunately, some of em don’t realize they’ve been giving it up WACK all these years, shorty was faking every time, and now they’re in some new situation thinking they’re putting it down when they’re really just reusing the same washed stroke game that’s been barely allowing them to squeeze by all this time. It’s a slippery slop – some cats got the mojo indefinitely and some need time to get back in the groove.

        • Ma’am you better preach!

        • TheCollinB

          This reminds me of a Patrice O’Neal stand up and the importance for men to keep their boat even after they’ve caught their fish. But if the woman don’t feel your capable of fishing anymore then it’s really no fun for her anymore either. Men gotta test the waters otherwise they will be wack after 10 years of monogamy.

          • Conrad Bess

            Top 5 stand up for me. RIP Patrice, so many gems in that one.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          “Unfortunately, some of em don’t realize they’ve been giving it up WACK all these years, shorty was faking every time,”

          I’m looking at ol girl. One night stands aside, if he’s not doing it right tell ’em. Why use the girls trip to Jamaica to rectify the issue and then go back to a flawed situation????

          • PhlyyPhree

            Because Island Peen is equivalent to Pregnant Vag.
            Everyone should try it at least once in their life.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              It still doesn’t solve the underlying issue. Island Peen becomes like Lays; once you pop you just can’t stop. One trip can become two or God forbid you find island like Peen locally.

            • Kat

              Whut…..

            • brothaskeeper

              Diiiiiiiiiiiid someone say pregnant vadge? Giggity!

              • Quirlygirly

                BK- Icant with you – SMH while laughing

                • kingpinenut

                  It’s right nice…

                  • Quirlygirly

                    U 2 KPN!

            • PoetrysTruth

              You see what Island D!ck (ID) did for L Boogie! They need her picture up at EVERY customs stop on EVERY island with the the warning. “Don’t let I.D. happen to you!” Try it once, but you never know if you’re going to be the ONE that can’t get right afterward! LOL

          • Solid question. I ain’t got the ansas, Sway, cus I have no experience fake-appreciated wack peen.

        • Beauty In Truth

          Ewe. People deserve to be cheated on I swear. This thinking is so selfish and hypocritical. Don’t anybody have morals. I mean like even 1 person.

    • Compliments always help break the ice.

      • Jennifer

        Right! It’s so amazing how a simple “your shoes/outfit/hair is cute” have started friendships for me.

        • Yep. It can be an indicator that you have similar tastes or styles.

      • PhlyyPhree

        Yup. It makes the other person smile and acknowledges you as not being a stuck up mean person and ya’ll can build from there

    • Quirlygirly

      Also, spell check. It is 2016. No reason whatsoever to not have everything spelled correctly

      THANK YOU!!! I have seen too many resumes with misspellings and incorrect grammar. If you have a great recruiter they will review your resume and help you fix issues. You are a reflection of the recruitment firm too

    • Agatha Guilluame

      *sits at your feet*

      • PhlyyPhree

        Please. Everything I know I learned from you. I was just adding my .02.
        But about this cell phone issue….

        • Agatha Guilluame

          Listen I definitely think Jamal thinking he’d be the one to slip up is a huge part of his issue and I didn’t see that until you said it.

          But what the phone issue?

          • PhlyyPhree

            @disqus_w3hrwMQ3en:disqus alluded to your trust issues with men and their cell phones and I feel like I read something before but he won’t tell me the story. And unlike Mario Winans, I DO wanna know! Lol.

            As for Jamal, that’s just life experience i WISH I didn’t have. Smh.

            • Agatha Guilluame

              I don’t know what he’s talking about.

              HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

            • Lea Thrace

              Dont go down that path with the cell phone. It is a dark and twisty road and you will get lost and subsequently lose your innocence in the process.

              Or so Ive heard…

              • kingpinenut

                I’ve seen that ish happen..and relationships go down like the Titanic

    • Janelle Doe

      RE: Jamal.
      Had me curious and wondering how many “it’s cool” guys there are out here in deez streets

    • NonyaB

      “You’re only questioning your relationship because you always thought YOU would be the one who got to “slip up” first”

      10 years? Bet he’s slipped up 1 or 2 times but never been caught. His anger is because he just discovered he ‘ain’t the only one who can be slick, his ego is howling because it means she wasn’t always 100% caught up in his rapture.

      • fxd8424

        Yep. Bet he been tasting the goodies somewhere. But he ain’t tellin’

        • DNA

          Guilty until proven innocent? Are we really out here assuming that he’s “probably” cheated because he’s a black guy named Jamal? I guess stereotypes are still alive and well in 2016 SMH.

          • Formerly_Marcella

            I think it’s less his name and hue and more that he’s spent an entire decade with the same woman and couldn’t bring himself to admit that she was “The One.”

          • fxd8424

            You brought race, stereotypes into the convo. I didn’t think about his race because cheating tends to be an equal opportunity activity and not just peculiar to black men. BTW, I know two Jamals, both white.

            • hellatight

              You a lie. Don’t anybody know two white guys named Jamal.

              • fxd8424

                You gotta get out more hellatight.

          • NonyaB

            Excuse you? WTF does assuming he may have cheated have to do with his name or race? Or you just wanted us to know how your flame-baiting prejudice powers work? In that case, cool troll, bro.

    • Beauty In Truth

      Maybe if he proposed at year 6 like he was supposed to (late registration lookin azz) he wouldn’t have to be drinking all this shady tea. Where’s the ring boo? That’s what your problem is. You playing games with her and she’s just doing the same.

  • cakes_and_pies

    Looking at Jamal like:

  • camilleblu

    i need clarification from jamal on what “the one” means in his mind…bc it sounds like it just means 10 more years of being his girlfriend to me.

  • Marc.J.H.

    “Most people aren’t even sure what their resume says because even they don’t want to read it but they expect a hiring manager to.”

    Funny, but painfully true

  • *makes mental note of resume information*

    Why the Black women gotta be loud though?

    • Breezy

      CAUSE!

    • Emily

      … because we pretend all black women are one group are aren’t broken up like every other group by CLASS. There is clearly a class divide between the woman asking the question and the women with whom she’d like to connect.

      • TheChief_ATL2NYC

        I don’t even see it as a class thing. There are plenty of poor and less educated black women who are too introverted to be shouting all the dang time

    • Quirlygirly

      I thought that too. It seems not to bothering her too much if she wants to be apart of the group

    • She just jealous from afar.

      • KNeale

        The truth is, they are the type of women she’s being try all her life to NOT be like so she can fit in better with the palefaces. They are the women she said some self hating mess about to her bleached flour friends when she passed a “loud” group of us in public. And now she is going through the painful transition of being an adult black woman in the workforce that will train all her future bosses no matter how much she gelslicks her hair back under a headband. So she wants to bond with folks who understand. And I support this growth.

        She should talk to the older black woman at the job who has been there since the current director was coming to the office on take your kid to work day with his father, the former CFO.

        This lady got all the tea. And not just the salacious stuff (hookups and mishaps) but the class action stuff. Take one of these anecdotes to your new wannabe friends. Then arrange a game night of Guess Who and wine while y’all get drunk laughing at Becca (who was college friends with the Chairman’s daughter and brought into a executive management position with exactly 1.5 years of real world work experience) making you work on Martin Luther King Day but left a half a day early on July 4th weekend to head to Cape Cod.

        You’re in.

        • Quirlygirly

          This whole advice and back story is too funny..Sounds like you know something about what goes on in an office.

        • Jennifer

          “She should talk to the older black woman at the job who has been there since the current director was coming to the office on take your kid to work day with his father, the former CFO.

          This lady got all the tea.”

          This is real. If she thinks you can be trusted, she’ll serve the tea even when you didn’t ask for it.

          • brothaskeeper

            Her name is always Dorothy (or Miss Dot)….

            • Jennifer

              Spot on. Our Miss Dot JUST retired 3 months ago. We’re looking for a new one. Took me a while to gain her confidence. She thought I was thick as thieves with the melanin-challenged, so I had to wait for the tea.

              • brothaskeeper

                Ms. Dot is irreplaceable, especially in this day and age. Attrition rate is higher than astronaut p?$$¥.

    • KNeale

      Yeah man. She just hate herself lol. I’m exaggerating but really…she looking at them like aliens like 2520s look at us. Why sis?

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      ummm…have you every met a group of sisters? They loud. let’s not front. they aren’t the only ones, but c’mon. I love it, but they loud.

      Seriously though, their loudness prolly has much less to do with their race than just it being who they are and her perception of their closeness as a group. If she was their friend, chatting and hee-hawing, she wouldn’t even notice how loud she was being.

  • I can’t agree more with AG on all of this. One thing, Jamal. You’ve been with your girl for 10 years, you are married and too dumb to notice. Also, you do realize that until you go down the alter, you have a hall pass. The next perfect pair of c cups that throws it at you, you are not fully obligated to duck. Enjoy the ride.

    Oh, one last thing. We all used to have rat tails. It’s not that big of a deal.

    • PhlyyPhree

      It’s a huge thing. Everyone didn’t.

      • I’m an 80’s baby. I used to have a shag as a little man. (See Theo Huxtable)

        • KB

          I had a duck tail at one point.

        • PhlyyPhree

          Lol. My 5th grade crush had a shag. I loved him because he was the only one who was cool enough to wear it.
          Unfortunately, I saw him bout a month ago and he still has said shag.

          • Oh, my. Somebody needs to save that man.

            • PhlyyPhree

              Wont be me

          • Quirlygirly

            LOL- and girl you still don’t think he cool enough to wear it. He like Justin Timberlake- he bringing s e x y back

            • PhlyyPhree

              LOL. I almost said there was no bringing his chexyback. And I would have been right.

          • Cleojonz

            oh no. That is just tragic.

        • Marc.J.H.

          I’m an 80’s baby also but somehow I escaped the rat tail

          • I had a couple beads on the end… I thought I was the man in 4th grade.

    • TheCollinB

      I don’t know why people who aren’t married, specifically ones that end up in their feelings because they got cheated on, never get that without that ring YOU HAVE NO REAL OBLIGATION. the nice thing to do would be to not knock other Hank’s down, but in the event it happens either live with it or bounce. Nobody said you gotta build back trust that’s not even there anyway. If you’re gonna stay let it go and make sure your dm’s is poppin and your search history clean.

  • OSHH

    10 years… my dude, really??? Like what are ya’ll doing.

    To girl hoping to befriend other black girls, my stance is, either you click or you don’t, it is all very organic, regardless of race. I don’t force friendships or any other ships and I don’t roll in cliques. Like I am way cool with lots of folks but have very few close friends.

  • KB

    She probably had the one night stand upon the realization that after x amount of years of being together with no proposal/ring to show for it that it probably won’t ever get to that point, but she isn’t going to leave because she has too many years invested.

    • Breezy

      Years invested = some relationships Achilles heel

      • KB

        Facts

      • fxd8424

        No doubt.

      • Major key

        • camilleblu

          this just tickled me to death…lol

          • Breezy

            They don’t want us to have keys though.

            • camilleblu

              they don’t want us to win, or eat, or drink water, or breathe

              • Let’s see what chef D prepared though.

                • camilleblu

                  chef D feeding us what they don’t want us to eat

              • Breezy

                *waters plants and randomly screams* LION!

                • camilleblu

                  #vsbtalk soon come

          • Lol! It’s my new favorite saying.

        • NonyaB

          Bless up!

    • Yeah, I kind of feel her on that one. He’s lucky that he has a woman that actually felt guilty enough to tell on herself.

      • Junegirl627

        Word!!! Because I have NO problem balancing a stack of bib les on my head, looking my man straight in the eye, while standing a in a tub of hol y water lying my behind off. I don’t care if he has a power point slide reel of proof going on in the background I’m no snitc hing myself out! I’m going to my grave with my s m u t shenanigans

        • TheCollinB

          And this is why as a man you put all the faith in the world in your relationship from a team aspect, and not in the woman herself. Cause if you’re expecting your woman to keep it a bean about how many d*cks are in her jacket then you are delusional.

          • Junegirl627

            Look i’m faithful to every man i’ve been with that deserved fidelity. If you still helping ex-shorty replace her car battery, and we been together for months but your family is surprised that i’m the woman you brought to the birthday cookout. If we’ve been together for over 6 months and I still gotta call first before I come over…. well guess what I know what that means and I know how to act about it. When you take us seriously and stop the shenanigans I’ll take us seriously and stop mine.

            • TheCollinB

              I’m not knocking anything you’re saying but you’re using his behavior to qualify your fidelity when the reality is either you are or aren’t gonna be straight up. Being real is a muva…and everyone ain’t built for their partners honesty and real thoughts. So I get why you gotta hold on to somethings, just don’t fool yourself into thinking Everyman is buying it. Because, nah.

              • Junegirl627

                I disagree with you on a few things. I’m don’t use a man’s behavior to qualify fidelity or justify infidelity. What i’m saying is if i’m with someone actions speak louder than words so it doesn’t really matter what we call our “relationship” if you are treating me like someone you are dating, then I will do the same thing. If you want me to be a good woman to you be a good man to me. I’m not obligated to be superwoman for you because of a title with no actual substance behind it. Now that doesn’t mean that this man isn’t likable or fun to be around. So I will spend with him but I’m not taking the relationship serious.

                • MALynn

                  “I’m not obligated to be superwoman for you because of a title with no actual substance behind it.”

                  Ouh Jesus! Broke up with dude this past weekend because of this. Gospel!

                • Kemse

                  In this scenario are we assuming that you already had a talk with dude about how you expect to be treated and where the relationship should be at by a certain point?

                  That was almost the undoing of me and my man like half a dozen times. I’m thinking how come he doesn’t offer ABC or do or say this or that….because in my mind we were already serious What was in my mind and what was in his were not on the same page with progression timelines.

                  I feel like people have chemistry with someone else and assume because they’re really into each other their expectations are in sync and they don’t have to verbalize things. But words help. This kind of stuff has to be articulated and formally acknowledged. I’m not playing games with my heart but I also don’t want to assume dudes out to play me when he’s not.

            • KNeale

              So I’m not judging. I’m wondering though..with all these signs of noncommittal tomfoolery why are y’all still pretending to go together? Demote him down to cut buddy and keepalookin.

              • Junegirl627

                I did demote him he just didn’t know it.

                • Epsilonicus

                  If he aint know it, then you really did not demote him.

                  • Junegirl627

                    Actions speak louder than words. I spoil every man i’m with. So when I see that you are on some Fcuk boy mess. All the stuff that had you bragging about how you good you have it ENDS

            • Akaria Gale

              To be honest, no one comes over to my house without calling first. It’s a home, not Grand Central

              • Mr. Mooggyy

                I don’t care who you are! You betta call me! Even my momma know to call me before she come’s over!

              • Junegirl627

                My last serious Ex had keys to my house. If we together then we are together period. Guests have to call first . My “Man” is not a guest in my home.

                • Me

                  I don’t give out keys to anybody that ain’t sending in mortgage payments, electric and gas payments, water payments, insurance payments, sewerage payments, and tax payments. Neither God nor the bank recognizes boyfriends.

                  • Junegirl627

                    Hey Me,(love the name btw) I soooooo disagree with you on that one. If we are living together then yes pay your way, I don’t give every man i’m with keys to my home (thats just crazy), but if he and I are committed. For instance, if he’s stays at my place on work nights now and then but he gets out of work an hour before me why shouldn’t he let himself in? He’s my man!! Why should my man have to wait til I get home to come to my home. He knows where the tampons are. I don’t have anything to hide. Why should he sit in his car or mill around trying to find something to do until I let him into a place he is “supposed” to feel comfortable in?

                    • Me

                      For me it’s not about him being able to feel comfortable in my space or me hiding anything from him. Unless and until he is liable for any damages he does outside of my presence, he gets no free passes to peruse without my chaperoning (also for some reason, it always irks me more when someone breaks something of mine and tells me after the fact than it does if I’m there to witness the breaking… like I presume a higher level of recklessness when I’m not around to go “it’s cool, I can replace it” right on the spot).

                      I had one ex who pleaded his case on damn near a weekly basis, and I shut him down every time. Mind you, he and I did EH VUH REE THING together like clockwork, but that man was not on my lease, nor offering to go half on my lease, so all his pleading just turned into amusement for me and nothing more. I do it to family members too. Every last one of them have gotten the “make sure you don’t smoke none of that stuff in my place b/c you must be high to ask me for MY keys” look.

                      My thing is (cynically) relationships have a much much MUCH higher failure rate than success rate, and I’m not in the mood to change my locks after every dude. So, if your name ain’t on this mortgage/title/deed, you can either wait until I get home or not. To this day, I’ve never been dumped over some keys, so I’m cool with any discomfort it causes.

                    • Junegirl627

                      I see your point, and I understand where you are comfortable. I’m just different. I don’t let ANYONE pay ANYTHING unless they live with me, but I don’t mind the hang out for a bit til I get home stuff either. Don’t get me wrong I get keys to his place as well we have to be equal on that front. Now true enough I haven’t been burned by anyone i’ve given this to. So I can understand why other people feel different.

                    • Me

                      So, I might sound callous but I don’t want a dude’s keys either. I just feel like too many folks who exchange keys turn an object meant to secure safety into a de facto status symbol (that’s why ol’ boy wasn’t getting squat no matter how much he begged), and I’m not here for it. I just can’t see myself randomly rolling up in anybody’s spot without them being home unless it’s my mom’s place, which used to also be my place, so that’s different in that way. For me, it’s one of the ways I compartmentalize between bf/gf privileges and husband/wife privileges. Occupants get keys. All else get access to the doorbell. And to your point, I also don’t let anyone pay for anything unless that person lives with me, but that only helps to keep my lines drawn in the sand b/c it guarantees that he’s not an occupant until he commits to some serious futuristic plans.

              • brothaskeeper

                Many a feeling has been hurt by coming over and not calling, friends AND family…

              • Brother Mouzone

                Thank you!

            • cakes_and_pies

              A man will cut a fool if you’re being extra chill and not feigning for him. We hear that “Ice Cold” Andrea 3000 was whispering in your ear too. #WasteHisTime had men acting like lunatics

            • preach!

        • Truth. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

          • DNA

            And this is why I’m not going to marry you chicks. Can’t trust yall lol. Can’t look at women the same after hearing all the shameless and crazy stories from my female friends about their rampant cheating while on vacation.

        • Kat

          Jesus and I got a arrangement. He don’t ask. I don’t volunteer an answer. We both praising.

      • fxd8424

        A lot of women make this mistake.

      • Ess Tee

        Listen! “Take it to the grave” didn’t just invent itself for no reason.

        • fxd8424

          Yaaaas!

      • KNeale

        This is real. I admire her honesty.

    • He should broker some type of separation package for wasting so much time

      • PhlyyPhree

        I”M HERE FOR THIS!!!!
        Anything over 2 years and you have to recompense me for wasting the years when my skin was the smoothest and my a ss was the fattest. I can’t get that back!

        • Breezy

          Relationship repartitions and such.

        • I’m sure it’s still getting fatter sis

          • PhlyyPhree

            Yea, but not in the way that gets me fly outs and fancy material items I can show of on instagram. Sigh.

            • What about “I’ll pay for uber” fat?

              • PhlyyPhree

                Sigh. Does it come with “You don’t have to eat of the 2 for 24 menu at Applebees” ?
                Cause if that’s the best I can get…

                • Naw I’m sure you’re like non-chain restaurant slightly upscale Caribbean spot but the waiters are still rude and slow so you know the food is good.

              • brothaskeeper

                Key question!

        • I want allllllllllllllllll my nani back! With interest.

          • PhlyyPhree

            Eh. I’m going to call that an even exchange. I didn’t put that rugburn on my back. Plus that’s why Eve invented kegels. My yoni will be better than ever the next time he sees it out there living a happy life with someone who ain’t him.

            • Nothing like getting your s hit reupholstered and it shows in all your mannerisms. Folks be wondering why you handing out crisp, genuine smiles and it’s all cus you got some new bomb D.

              • Janelle Doe

                OK, so I keep thinking this about Miranda Lambert. She looks so good.

        • miss t-lee

          Keep telling y’all, it don’t take forever to know.
          10 years?! That’s a good woman mayne.

          • PhlyyPhree

            Oh, I wholeheartedly agree. 10 years? She must be collecting insurance or running a green card scam. Something.

            • miss t-lee

              Girl…

      • Brandon Allen

        She wasted her own time.

    • KNeale

      I need more info. Do they live together? Have they ever talked about marriage? Does she even want to get married? Whats the backstory?

      I know its common for folks to jump to the marriage conclusion but maybe thats not it. I know people that were/are in long relationships and didn’t necessarily feel like they HAD to get married. And I know yall know at least one (or maybe at least met one through a mutual friend). I mean no disrespect to yall but why is everyone so quick to these assumptions. Maybe shorty has her own reasons for not getting married. The other assumption that she is just hanging on a frustrated ten year long string is possible but not a given and can we stop assuming just because someone is a woman that thats the case.

      • KB

        Fair point

      • KingsCounty

        you know you and all your logic arent welcomed here. you gotta fall in line round these parts…

    • Eva_baby

      Yup. There is just so much psychological baggage that needs to be unpacked in that statement. It is exhausting to be a woman (prob. a WOC) of a certain age, who is barraged with statistics about relationships and availability of men. She has to do some serious mental calculus, i.e. (age + race) x (years invested + personal commitment)/ actual feelings – probable outcome = maybe this will result in a ring?

    • miss t-lee

      Or…maybe she just wanted to be dycked down on vacay.

      • KB

        There’s also that.

        • miss t-lee

          After 10 years, I’m sure that’s all it was.

      • Sometimes that’s all it takes…

        • miss t-lee

          indeed.

      • I thought of that – like what if she just wanted a likkle sample?

        But then why tell him? I feel like it was a cry for help. If she just wanted to get her rocks off she could’ve left that story on the island back with Stella.

        • miss t-lee

          Hmmm. Good point. Maybe she wanted to see if he really cared. Maybe she ain’t really do anything? Maybe she p popped on a handstand?

          • We need follow-ups lol

            • miss t-lee

              Indeed.

        • We know what Juvenile said about that outside d*ck..

    • Why do people stay in ten year relationships if they want marriage and it ain’t in sight?

  • Cake

    Round of applause for you concluding that Jamal needs to apologize to his girl. Jamal this chick has been with you for 10 years and you’re questioning it. No sir you need to go ahead and suck that up. Morris showed you the way in the best man, just follow suit.

    • KB

      Not gonna lie, I could NOT have done what he did, but he did bring it upon himself.

      • fxd8424

        What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

        • KB

          you right

      • Cake

        Yea that was a hard one. If I were Lance I could have forgiven Mia, but not so much the other way around. Lance couldn’t keep it in his pants and that only changes in movies.

More Like This