Ask Agatha: Effective Online Dating Profiles And Proper Spades Reneging Etiquette
Robin from Brooklyn, NY asks:
I’ve finally talked myself into signing up for online dating. There are lots of eligible men in NY but I don’t go out enough to meet any of them. Between my job and my lifestyle, I’ve decided this is the easiest way to go about meeting men. So now that I’ve signed up for it, what do I say in my profile? It’s not Tinder.
I’m pretty sure independent researchers have already proven that as a woman, it doesn’t matter what you say. Say anything. Write “cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, cats…” over and over again. Heck, copy and paste what I wrote in mine verbatim if you want.
It’s not particularly witty or deep. And it certainly doesn’t give you any real insight into who I am as a person (or maybe it does). Either way it doesn’t matter.
You’ll still get men telling you you’re witty and deep. I mean the conversation has to start somewhere. So even if you do write “cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, cats…” A few men are going to hit you up and say “So cats, huh?” The rest are just going to say “hey”. Or “hey beautiful”. Or “I like your smile”.
Don’t believe me? Well here are some of the messages sent to me during my 48-hour foray into online dating.
So say anything.
In fact, Tinder or not, the only thing you need as you wade into these online dating waters are nice pictures (and make sure at least one of them is an unobstructed full-length photo—this is the equivalent of them checking under the hood).
No they won’t care about who you are as a person yet.
But you don’t care about who they are as a person yet either. That’s why you’ll skip right past the witty messages, straight to the hottie with the dimples who sent you the smiling emoji.
Either way, stop stalling.
Leshawn from Pittsburgh, PA asks:
When my girl and I first started kicking it she was always completely hairless down there. Clean as a whistle. Now we’ve been together almost two years and she’s stopped grooming I guess. She must be feeling really comfortable but I don’t fucking like it. I can deal with it if we’re just having intercourse but going down on her is no bueno. Are you going to tell me to just suck it up?
Leshawn I wouldn’t dream of telling you to just suck up anything. But what’re you going to do?
You absolutely cannot tell her she needs to shave or wax or Nair or whatever she used to do (at least not outright). Because there’s no way she doesn’t get in her feelings and let everything else go as well. You think she isn’t “grooming” now but wait until you see her with a three-week-old mustache, razor sharp leg stubble and wild armpit hair with the deodorant gunked up in it—just to spite you.
Your best bet is to do the old “hairball” trick.
This will require you going down on her one last time but before you do it, you’re going to need hair and lots of it—the coarse kinky hair that can only come from pubes. And it’s going to have to be your own. I mean where else are you going to get pubic hair?
Shave everything. Balls too.
I would shower first because this wad of hair is going to have to go in your mouth.
There’s no help for it. This is the only way.
Now once it’s in your mouth (it should be tucked up into your cheeks like a cow’s cud) and you get her on her back…go to town. Give it your all. And take a long time. Don’t just stop at one orgasm. Keep lapping at her until she’s rearing to go for another round.
Yes, have intercourse. And don’t let her coarse hairs abrading your freshly shaved pubis distract you from the goal at hand.
Give it to her good.
And once she’s satiated. Maybe about to doze off. This is your cue.
This is when you cough up the world’s biggest hairball. (Not on her of course!)
And after she recovers from the horror of what just took place, tell her you finally realized what blowjobs and sex must’ve felt like for her for the past two years.
Stephanie from New York, NY asks:
What are some nontraditional places to meet men?
I dare you to try it.
Zara’s is a mid-sized mid-priced trendy clothing store—and the men that shops there are usually attractive cosmopolitan types. Which can be said of a lot of stores but there’s something about Zara’s layout, which usually has the men’s department on a separate floor, out of the way (meaning there’s very little intermingling of the sexes), and their staff, who don’t hover, which lends itself to the perfect environment for a meet-cute.
You basically step into that section of the store and the odds are immediately in your favor and there’s no one to help you chose between the oxford and denim shirt but the hottie with the dimples rifling through the racks right next to you.
And when he asks whom it’s for, tell him it’s for you to sleep in.
Just be sure to go during the week, when it’s less likely to be couples shopping together.
Robert from Queens, NY asks:
Everyone knows you can’t force a renege and if you do renege and it gets called out, you and your partner lose three books. But if you realize you’ve reneged, when is your last chance to correct your error? Before the hand is booked i.e. before the trick/book has been added to the teams’ pile of books? Or is it before the next card is played? Meaning the last hand was booked but the person that took the book hasn’t thrown out another card yet. My cousins and I almost came to blows but I’m pretty sure I’m right. I won’t tell you what I think though because I don’t want to sway you either way.
Well since I was there, and because my partner is never wrong. I’ll tell you what I told you that night. The hand was booked. It was too late to take the card back. Once the hand is booked the only thing you can do at that point is let it ride and hope we don’t catch the renege.
Period. Point. Blank.