Ask Agatha: Club Cockblocking Strategies And Perceived Single Black Man Shortages » VSB

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Ask Agatha: Club Cockblocking Strategies And Perceived Single Black Man Shortages

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Michael from Brooklyn, NY asks:

Why is there always a chick in the group that cockblocks? Why do girls even take this fun snatcher out with them? If I had a boy that did that we wouldn’t be boys for long.

Here’s what happens. You see a group of girls. One is really cute (to you). You make a beeline for her and hit a wall. That wall of women is basically a sign saying “No Solicitors.” Guess what. Those groups of girls already saw you and dissected you twenty minutes before you even noticed them. You didn’t make the cut.

What? That’s not what you’re talking about? You’re talking about when you’re in the zone and all of a sudden her friend is “ready to go”?

Here’s what happens there. You’re chatting up a cute chick. She’s laughing (politely). She’s nodding (politely). She dances with you (out of politeness). Sometimes a bitch is polite. You however, misconstrue her politeness for interest. She’s not interested. And gives her girl the eye. It’s a look of panic, terror, boredom. It happens quickly and over your head since you’re short and she’s probably in heels and her friend(s), who were hovering to begin with, swoops in and snatches her away.

You haven’t been cockblocked, she’s been rescued. From you. Because you’re (probably) short.

Lisa from Atlanta, GA asks:

I live in Atlanta and dating has been really hard. I moved here from Detroit to better my life but the shortage of single straight Black men is depressing. Before I came here I thought the disparate ratio was a joke but I’m living it. What can I do?

Is there a man shortage? I guess. Maybe. I don’t know. I went to college in Atlanta in the early aughts and it was the talk at the time even then. But these were arguments my girls were having, un-ironically, in our big mix-gendered group. I’m back home in NY now and there are good-looking interesting men everywhere. I still go to parties where the men outnumber the women. But Steve Harvey did a write a book off the strength of this shortage. And I’m pretty sure he’s an anthropologist or sociologist or something to lend this idea credence.

So let’s pretend there’s a man shortage and you’re not one of these women complaining about there not being any men out there when you really mean there aren’t enough Supermen out there. Let’s pretend 80% of us aren’t chasing the most eligible 10% and ignoring everyone else around us. I know I’m guilty of this. Aiming for Obama when I went to a state school. Looking for Serge Ibaka when I’ve never pursued anything with his level of discipline (and I can’t make fufu, or speak more than English or travel the world with him, to help with his philanthropy efforts because my Greencard expired in March and I still haven’t renewed that shit). Let’s pretend.

There’s a shortage of single Black men.

That’s not something you can change.

So you have to look outside of that pool.

Are you willing to do that though?

Are you?

In China, there are 50 million Chinese men that will never be married (and the odds aren’t in their favor in America either). That’s more men that there are Black people in America. I imagine they must have their own blogs devoted to the Chinese woman shortage. They must devote a ton of energy and time to bemoaning all the White and Black men that are stealing their women. Their combined vitriol must be the reason Amerie’s career never took off. And she’s half Korean, not Chinese. J/k, that’s not the reason.

So be proactive. Learn Cantonese or Mandarin and infiltrate those blogs. Be a shoulder to cry on. Setup a mail-order husband service. Change your #Blackgirlstravel destinations. Expand your OkCupid parameters.

But you don’t want a Chinese man do you? Or a White man. Or an Indian man. Or a non-Dominican Hispanic man. You still want Serge Ibaka.

Well.

Jermaine from Dorchester, MA asks: 

I was supposed to meet up with my girl and her friends for drinks last Friday. I was on my way and my cousin hit me up. He’s been down lately so I went to meet with him first. We got some drinks and he used me as a sounding board for some issues he’s dealing with. Long story short I stayed longer than I thought I would and when I went to check my phone, it was dead. The next day, I tried to explain to my girl what happened but she started bringing up old shit and now we’re not speaking. I’m pretty sure I’m in the right this time though. Aren’t I?

These things happen. In a healthy relationship you would’ve gotten the benefit of the doubt.

But this relationship isn’t healthy.  And something sticks out to me. Your “I tried to explain to my girl what happened but she started bringing up old shit” line. You sir are a man laboring under the impression that your reasons excuse you. They don’t. Maybe it might the first time but certainly not after you’ve done it so much that she could trot out old evidence from a cold case. Why you were late doesn’t excuse the fact that you were late. Why you stood her up doesn’t excuse the fact that you stood her up. Why you lied doesn’t excuse the fact that you lied. If it hurt her or embarrassed her or disappointed her or disrespected her then the reason why you did it doesn’t excuse the resulting effect of your actions.

I say have an honest conversation with her about lowering her expectations. You’re a Walter lee Younger type; your intentions are good but well you’re a fuck up. And you always will be.

***If you have any questions for Agatha, please reach us at contact@verysmartbrothas.com with the subject line “Ask Agatha”***

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • Creole Reasoning

    These are facts right here. I laugh when I hear the “angry friend” stories because she couldn’t have been THAT mad if she was just drinking and dancing five minutes ago.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Mike Vick baby!!!! I want him to tell the haters “Take Dat” in his best Puff Daddy voice.

  • WhitDF

    I was the “rescue” girl… for YEARS. And I hated it. Guys hated me for it, but the writing on the wall was so clearly evident- she doesn’t like you bro…she’s not feeling it. I know my girl, you’re not her type. Stop while you’re ahead. After a while though I stopped doing it and left my girls to figure out how to say no instead of acting like defenseless victims who could’t save themselves from the attentions of a man. And you know what happened? Nothing. The world didn’t end…and I actually started meeting people…. who knew!?!

    • Sigma_Since 93

      “I stopped doing it and left my girls to figure out how to say no
      instead of acting like defenseless victims who could’t save themselves
      from the attentions of a man.”

      *Plays J. Cole No Role Modlez*

      Thank you for dropping your blocker card; sometimes we gotta hear it from the horse rather than the posse.

      • WhitDF

        the irony of it all was that I was blocking MYSELF because I was always called in to save them. I don’t have time to be a helicopter parent in the club/day party/house party. Once I gave it up it all became clear. It was also just funny to watch them be stuck and unable to figure out how to get away. The look of desperation on their faces when they realized I had retired was great. *evil laugh*

    • Jennifer

      “And you know what happened? Nothing. The world didn’t end…and I actually started meeting people…. who knew!?!”

      This. This. This. Cuz your friends that needed saving cuts into your own game. To be real for a minute: the friends who expected me to save her usually acted as though she was the center of attention in our group. I didn’t go out to be her protector. I wanted to have fun too.

    • Freebird

      “After a while though I stopped doing it and left my girls to figure out how to say no instead of acting like defenseless victims who could’t save themselves from the attentions of a man. ”

      Thank you for allowing your lady friends to grow up and reject men in a way an adult woman in 2000-now should be able to.

  • Sigma_Since 93

    Them little short dudes be into some kinky stuff, are these sistas ready for that or will they “train him up”?

  • Chad Thorne

    RE: cockblocking: IME (pre-happy-marriage) it seemed to me that often women will go out in a group and cockblock for each other to save any one of them from getting drunk and doing something she’ll regret in the morning, e.g., me.

    • PhlyyPhree

      You right,

      • Chad Thorne

        I didn’t LIKE it – but I RESPECTED it lol…

    • rhymeswithbrucelee

      That is another reasonable scenario. Let thy friends strengthen you…
      Also, what Agatha said

    • EXACTLY! Many a night i have been the designated “imma get tore up, please don’t let me leave with some random man” blocker lol

  • Lakyn

    I have been verbally ATTACKED for saving my girls from that one persistent dude with the bad breath in the club before, and they wonder why she was desperate to get away in the first place.

    • PunchDrunkLove

      Y’all just go ahead and help him out. Tell him your breath is bad. Persistence ain’t cute on a bugaboo.

  • Peaches

    “Guess what. Those groups of girls already saw you and dissected you twenty minutes before you even noticed them. You didn’t make the cut.”

    Yup. Because single woman are like CIA agents, we have pre-screened and vetted you before you even step foot in the groups direction. And because we’re women, we scrutinize every single detail possible (down to the most trivial ish) that could knock you off.

  • PhlyyPhree

    “But you don’t want a Chinese man do you? Or a White man. Or an Indian man. Or a non-Dominican Hispanic man. You still want Serge Ibaka.”

    I mean, can the non-Dominican Hispanic hit the washing machine? If so, bump Serge. I heard he stuffs his grey sweats anyway.

  • PhlyyPhree

    “I’m pretty sure I’m in the right this time though. Aren’t I?”

    As I had to tell my something-unlike-a-bae last night, anytime you fix your brain to THINK to ask me that question?
    You’re most definitely wrong

  • miss t-lee

    The club rescue is oh so real.
    My girls and I definitely have a system. It never fails.
    Mandarin Chinese eh? I mean, I respect the hustle.

  • Nicole Reed

    BREAKING NEWS!!: No girl has ever been blocked by her friend from a guy she was feeling. Neva eva eva. She will pull her girl to the side and cuss her right tf out before she let her block a dude she feeling. Even if it’s “I gotta take this chick home but can we meet up later.” or “Can we give my girl a ride on the way to the spot?” but she will find a way if she on it. Trust. So if you got blocked 1. You need to stop checking for toddlers who are afraid to speak for themselves. 2. That toddler was just not that into you. Happens to the best of us.

    • Peaches

      Yup, take that L and keep it pushing.

    • Epsilonicus

      “No girl has ever been blocked by her friend from a guy she was feeling. Neva eva eva. ”

      Yea she has. It happened at a New Years party I hosted.

      • Peaches

        Then she must have been a horrible friend or can’t read signals. I already know if my friend is getting “chose” to play my position as wing(wo)man or scram so her and dude can chop it up.

        • Epsilonicus

          Her friend even stayed the night at her house to ensure they did not meet up later. She felt that dude wasn’t “good enough” for her.

          • miss t-lee

            Chile…
            Should’ve told her friend to hit the bricks. Like…whet?

          • Peaches

            Wheeet?! She needs to be dropped. Especially if the girl was mutually feeling dude, he was a good look and she wanted to see what was up.

            The only exception I could make here is if the blocker knows her friend has HORRIBLE taste in men and was trying to save herself from having to listen to her gf’s “ninjas aint sh*t” tirade for the millionth time after she got pumped and dumped.

            • Epsilonicus

              Since dude wasn’t her “type” she felt she had to keep her from making a mistake.

              I never understood sticking with a type if it keeps leading to heartbreak…

              • Peaches

                Smh

                *singing* …I’on got no type,educated, employed & non criminals is the only thing that I like…

                • Epsilonicus

                  Bwahahahaha!!

                  Good places to start lol

            • There’s no such thing as “bad taste” on New Year’s Eve. That’s why most of us left the house. We intend on doing something regrettable.

              • Peaches

                Yeah it is lol…I’m not trying to wake up next to a Jeromey Rome doppelganger and have the energy of dusty ninjas stuck to me all year…

                • Hey, I know several women with that 2AM emergency man in their phone. Not gonna lie, I have been that guy before.

                  • Peaches

                    I think everybody has at least one 2AM Hotline Bling person in their phone, however it’s nobody I’d regret calling. If u don’t feel like being bothered, there are other options, ijs…

                    • Nicole Reed

                      I don’t! Where can one procure such an item? Do they sell them at Tarjay? What about Wally World? But then again, you get what you pay for. Let me call Macy’s and see what kind of sales they got on Hotline Bling.

                    • Peaches

                      Lol…everybody comes across theirs in different ways. One of mines was a person who was real cool, but I knew didn’t fit for me long term but the chemistry was great.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              This brings into play an interesting tid bit. If you know your girl likes Serge Ibaka types with bad credit, criminal records, and STD’s and you always find yourself as the girlfriend providing the Eddys Ice Cream every dang time. Would you cut things off at the pass to save yourself from what you know is going to happen or do you let it play out?

              • Peaches

                I’d have a “Come to Jesus” moment with her, because I’m not the friend that’s going to keep being the social director to her pity parties after Serge leaves her heartbroken and on a 10 day course of antibiotics. As adults, we have to take some responsibility for the part we play in our messes. But if she keeps going back despite my wise counsel, I’d let her have it. HeII if she likes it, I love it.

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  How many times do you ride that roller coaster before you wash your hands of it?

                  • Epsilonicus

                    From what my experience, male friendships very rarely have this “cockblock to save a friend” phenomenon present.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      I’ve seen it; It was known as the vag is good but everything else about your situation is garbage. Don’t come to me talking about how she talks with her mouth full, is boisterous, and hates yo mamma, only to be booed up with her (or someone like her) after we chop it up.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      I think we say something afterwards but you might not literally cockblock in the moment at the club when he whispering sweet nothings to her.

                    • Pinks

                      The male equivalent I think is to play the wingman and take down the mudduck friend so your mans can flourish. I have guy friends who have become known as “trash men” because they pick up all the scraps lol

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      The take down is different than the shoot down; some of y’all be shooting like you’re playing duck hunt! lol

                    • Pinks

                      But you have to sometimes! Dudes be sooooooooo persistent and some have the tendency to get borderline violent when rejected. Like you can’t just say, “No thanks. I’m not in the mood to dance” to some cats. They will hound and follow and curse you and your mother out because you spurned their advances.

                    • Peaches

                      Girl, there’s an infamous story that was told at Freshman Orientation about how this girl took a Heineken bottle across the head from a whoadie who felt all kinds of disrespected when she ignored him in the club.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Who under the age of 55 drinks Heineken?

                    • Pinks

                      West Indian men.

                    • PhlyyPhree

                      Definitely them

                    • AlwaysCC

                      southern men

                    • Peaches

                      Yep. Said encounter took place in New Orleans.

                    • NomadaNare

                      Do I detect hatred

                    • Peaches

                      Not at all, just a careful sense of don’t play ’round with the locals.

                    • NomadaNare

                      With the pump fake to the shade You are in rare form

                    • Peaches
                    • NomadaNare

                      #butyouaintplayingwiththelocalsthough

                    • I love this gif lol

                    • Teenagers.

                    • HeyBooHey

                      Haitian men and lost souls

                    • Jennifer

                      Bingo.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      That sounded so poetic

                    • CrankUpThe_AC

                      Your always coming for my people!!!

                    • Peaches

                      I mean, I’ve dated some Haitian men. So far all of them have checked out to be fou.

                    • CrankUpThe_AC

                      smh i’m sure they were just misunderstood. Promise him a crisp Guinness and some chicken and you have a mate for life. You get used to the outbursts after a while.

                      sn: i’m 100% aware that those FOB’s are missing a couple screws lol

                    • Peaches

                      Nah! The last straw for me was the one who pulled up to my job in his squad car, sat across the street from my school, and eyeballed every male faculty member and parent I talked to during dismissal.

                      No amount of Guinness and stewed chicken is going to assuage that crazy.

                    • CrankUpThe_AC

                      See! Let me tell you where you went wrong. You shouldn’t have been talking to those male faculty members or parents outside. ALWAYS assume your Haitian man is parked across the street schemin. ALWAYS. You’re welcome.

                    • Peaches

                      https://media2.giphy.com/media/AFbUeHzdHk1u8/200.gif

                      So I can end up like Anna Mae Bullock? I’m good…

                    • HeyBooHey

                      They’re my people too so I’m only speaking in truths, Beloved

                    • Epsilonicus

                      So you & NickPeter aint work out bc he wasn’t Haitian enough?

                    • HeyBooHey

                      Current boo isn’t Haitian though….so nah that wasn’t it lol. Some things fall apart so other things can come together Eps

                    • CrankUpThe_AC

                      True! Well then shhh. You can’t be letting out all the secrets. We out here trynna eat and find love.

                    • HeyBooHey

                      Lol! I haven’t even cracked the surface of secrets so I think we’re safe

                    • Add West African men to that list lol

                    • Pinks

                      See, I would’ve had to call my daddy from wherever he was at to come through and set some ish off. The most extreme I’ve experienced is being followed into the subway while he was shouting “stank black bi#ch” at me the whole time. Nevermind I gave him a business card with a work phone number. He wanted my cell.

                    • Peaches

                      Smh…I always lie and resort to “I don’t think my baby daddy would like you calling me. He not trying to go back in.”

                      Sometimes you gotta stoop to levels ninja’s understand.

                    • Cula J.

                      I’ve heard the phrase “jumping on the grenade”. This is from, of course, less enlightened men. Not fine, upstanding gentlemen, like myself and the lads I roll with.

                    • Pinks

                      Kudos to you and them fellas. But everybody has to bite the bullet at some point lol

                    • ReadyRoc

                      I loved doing that. Not to mention many mud ducks are under rated. I use to do it for my boys at parties on campus and many times I had more fun bantering back and forth with the blockers. Since I had no real intentions with them I was real loose and sometimes we became friends or….. I had to get that mud duck and chill.

                  • Peaches

                    Hmm, I don’t have a set number, but when my BS meter starts detecting high levels that’s usually when I hit her with the “girl we need to talk…”

                    I try not to be harsh, cause I’ve also been on the receiving end of that talk before too.

              • Jasmin

                lol stop providing her with ice cream and let her lay in the bed she loves to make up so much, like thats not my responsibility to monitor one of my girlfriends track record

          • uNk

            I have had this happen to me once….BUT it turns out the friend was just also feeling me and was lowkey not trying to let things happen, scheming. So idk i may have to 99.5% agree with this one

            Edit: As I reread this it sounds egotistical as hayle lol

            • Epsilonicus

              I’ve been in the same situation where a woman cockblocked her friend only to approach herself later.

              • #PowerMoves

              • PunchDrunkLove

                YAWN

              • NomadaNare

                Was just about to talk about the competition

              • LadyIbaka

                I’d be MAD!!!!!!!!! That’s not sisterhood.

                • Epsilonicus

                  Exactly. Thats when you give her a smile and ask her to keep it moving.

          • Nicole Reed

            But does he really want a girl who doesn’t know how to tell her friend to fall back? I guess I can’t relate because my squad is all grown women but if I have to make a nuisance of myself to “save” a friend from herself, then I’m probably gonna stop kicking it with her. Being the hater friend would interupt my good time.

            • Epsilonicus

              This was the first time they met. I don’t think either of them were thinking of long-term considerations.

              • QuirlyGirly

                Maybe the girl and the friend had an agreement. Like “Girl no matter what I say or do, don’t let me sleep with any dude. Even if you have to spend the night at my house.” *kanye shrug

                • Epsilonicus

                  Who knows. All I know is someone went home with wet panties and unsatisfied yearnings bc of a cockblock

          • PhlyyPhree

            Bish HOW????
            We would not be friends after that

          • Yikes! That friend was doing the absolute most.

          • LMAO she woulda been staying alone…or uncomfortable. When I have my mind set on a venture…the venture WILL happen.

          • Eh I’m still skeptical. She may have had a prior arrangement, otherwise she probably would have sent her friend packing. My bestest used to be good until like drink numeral 5. Then under a prearranged, “do NOT let me accept the D from anybody” agreement, I had to run security because she’d stop functioning on a conscious level and wouldn’t remember things in the morning. I almost got into a fist fight with a dude trying (he was skeevy and knew she was the black out type- straight up creeper), he really thought he was being blocked- when I told her who it was the next day she hugged me for rescuing her. A girl who really wants a man will tell her friend under no uncertain terms to step back and then get hers.

            • Epsilonicus

              That is how it is SUPPOSED to work. It doesn’t always happen that way

              • There are exceptions, I suppose, to every rule, but that speaks more to jealousy than anything to me. Like I get none, so neither do you, and any excuse would work. That’s super ugly.

            • AlwaysCC

              i had a friend like this. i stopped going out with her. she would put herself (and me) in some dangerous situations. she’s since stopped drinking so much – there were some other issues going on.

              • My girl finally boo’ed up and had a baby. She won’t drink if she’s not out with her man now so she doesn’t have any lapses. It’s for the best.

          • Helga G.Pataki

            That’s not a friend.

      • AlwaysCC

        then that wasn’t her friend.

        • Epsilonicus

          I make no judgments on the quality of folks associations

      • Nah, you would NOT let a catty friend get in the way of a potential love (or D for the night) connection. It just wouldn’t even happen.

    • PunchDrunkLove

      “BREAKING NEWS!!: No girl has ever been blocked by her friend from a guy she was feeling. Neva eva eva.”

      For real. Dudes so full of themselves hate to admit you ain’t it. NOPE

    • haute_coutoy

      LOL!! YES to this! The “cockblocker/hater friend” theory protects the male ego. To think that one is simply not interested is unconscionable.

      • ReadyRoc

        Nope. I had a homeboy who didn’t do anything above a 5 and when he was around there wasn’t no blocking. He would swoop in and bottom feed and the mud ducks loved him.

      • Nathan Wilson

        That hurts the fuck out of my little male feelings. I need to redeem myself by getting a phone number and not calling. #egohealing

    • Brandon Allen

      It happens. Just like lame dudes who think that girls just hate indiscriminately. There’s truth to both sides.

    • Medium Meech

      Don’t minimize my struggle or disregard the validity of my feelings. Have you ever approached a perfect stranger and tried to convince them against all common sense to go home with you and had a human being who they actually know campaign against it? No? Then check your privilege! Of course when everything goes your and every joke is a classic and every song is your jam nothing can stop it. But that’s not when legends are made. Legends are made in the trenches with the odds against you. Maybe she saw you dancing with another girl when you said you were going to the bathroom. Maybe she wasn’t feeling you at all but your decision to break out the bankhead bounce instead of the cabbage patch on that Jodeci song opened the door for a come from behind win. It’s the times where one false move can mean victory or defeat, where all you need is one more bad decision for things to go your way where an extra defender with loose lips and a Judgy side eye can cost you the game.

      • “Check your privilege!”? Heh. #AllHookupsMatter?

        • Peaches

          I’m crriiiineee bol

        • Medium Meech

          Thank you for being an Ally.

      • Nicole Reed

        LOL! I can’t with you today. I just can’t. Stay strong, brave booty bandit. Someday the stars will aline, your wingman will be ready on standby and some brave gal will bankhead bounce right into ur bed. Until then, know your role and step off when her mouthpiece steps in. She probably wasn’t worthy of a dance floor warrior such as yourself anyway.

      • LMNOP

        That was a lot of words there meechie. Can I introduce you to the return button? It will change your life.

    • Mika

      late the party but shout out to you. Normally i have already prepped my friend about shawty and we have come up with a strategy for him to see me and then chat me up………but nah, these dudes dont hear you though LOL.

    • ReadyRoc

      Naw, I have seen plenty of women give act way different with their blocking friends versus when they weren’t around. Sometimes it’s that pack mentality where most of them know they are sevens on down to mud ducks but have to try to play high stakes with while with their homegirls. I remember being a willing wingman and could distract 2-3 blockers with outlandish conversation.

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